A family therapy conference recently addressed the issue of paradoxical family communication. The idea is that situations often arise in a family when the husband or wife does not see the opportunity or need to say something directly, and this gives rise to a whole bunch of misunderstandings, unjustified expectations and further resentment. A typical example is, I think, familiar to many - A husband (boyfriend, child) does something that his wife is offended by. Perhaps he said something wrong, perhaps he forgot about his mother-in-law’s birthday, perhaps he did not pay attention to the cleaning or hairstyle that was done just for him. There are many options, but the result is the same - the wife (beloved, girlfriend, etc.) is offended. And very often in case of offense, to resolve this situation, women choose the option of detachment - they do not express their accusations and discontent, they harbor the offense inside and emotionally distance themselves from their men (they don’t talk, they answer in monosyllables and are dissatisfied, they can go to another room, and in the worst case, they go to sleep on another sofa). At the same time, all these actions of a woman have only one goal - for a man to come up to her, talk, ask her everything and listen, and MAINLY - reassure her. That is, the wife is offended, she begins to worry about the future of the relationship with her husband, and needs that If he could relieve this anxiety, he would explain that she misunderstood everything, or that this would not happen again, or that there were objective reasons for his action. But usually, the man does not understand what happened, what is actually his fault. Moreover, a man usually doesn’t even realize that he is to blame, and not the weather, work or women’s days. Moreover, to the questions “What happened?”, he receives the answer “Nothing.”. "Everything is fine? - Fine." (This is where paradoxical family communication lies - family members insist that they feel good when they feel bad and they want everyone to understand HOW bad they feel and to calm them down). The entire outbreak of conflict usually unfolds in bed before going to bed. The woman was tormented all evening, her resentment grew and her doubts about the correctness of the man’s choice also grew. Since he turns out to be not only offensive, he is also callous and cold. It is these characteristics that a woman explains why a man does not reconcile with her. “He’s harassing me on purpose! He doesn’t care about my feelings!” The woman expects that finally, before going to bed, they will talk to her and calm her down. She waits. The man senses his wife's tension, and usually before going to bed he makes another attempt to find out what's wrong. However, the wife’s resentment has already grown so much that it does not allow her to “give up” so quickly; she believes that “if she loves, she will make an effort to make peace.” And if he tries only once, then he is doing it for appearances, but in reality he did not understand anything, and does not love her. Therefore, to the man’s first attempt to make peace, the wife replies, “Leave me alone!” Everything is fine! or - you tell me what happened. “Nothing happened,” Then, the man believes that since nothing happened, but there is tension, he suggests using a very effective method of relieving tension in his opinion - making love. Rarely does a man voice this; he begins to pester a woman in order to help her, to calm her down with the means available to him, to show that he loves her. A woman lies offended by her husband, and then, after timid attempts to make peace, they begin to pester her. And she draws her conclusion from this male behavior - he only needs her for bed. And he wanted to make peace only in order to drag her into bed. And not her feelings, he doesn’t care about her offense. And she angrily rejects the man’s proposals, turns away irritably, wrapping herself in a blanket. And he waits, waits, waits for the man to realize his guilt and begin to gently but persistently find out what’s wrong, or to blame himself for what he’s done. After all, the wife loves her husband and believes in him. But the husband becomes even more confused, since all his proposals are rejected. And men find it difficult to withstand strong and prolonged tension. Therefore, contrary to the wife’s expectations, they save their psyche by falling asleep. Because of such indifference, the wife either falls into silent tears with her face to the wall, or goes to sleep on another sofa, and remembers all the grievances of your relationship. The husband falls asleep, confident that the wife will also sleep, rest, and everything will be fine. But the wife does not sleep, she is upset, she blames both you and herself, she cries or is worried. She feels bad. And tomorrow she, and therefore you, will feel even worse. Usually, everything happens exactly like this. I hope this article will help you understand why your wife suddenly stopped talking to you, and why your husband does not put up with you, but brazenly falls asleep. Of course, all situations are individual, but here are some tips on how to behave in them - For men - the best - The sooner you notice that your wife or girlfriend (or maybe daughter) is avoiding you, speaks in monosyllables and is clearly tense, then the most effective thing will be to go to her to figure out what happened. Gently, caringly, without giving up at the first “everything is fine.” The more offended she is, the more she will resist your help, and the more she will need it and hope for it. And for women, the best thing is to tell men directly about what in their behavior offended or hurt you. It is difficult for them to guess, and they are also bad at hints. Tell him what he did wrong, why you expected something different, and how it makes you feel. This will much more reduce the likelihood of a man repeating his “mistake” than your silence and distance from him.
When two people understand that they are comfortable and interesting together, they love each other and are ready to live their whole lives together, the couple goes to the registry office. Young people always find topics for communication and are able to find entertainment in spending time together. But gradually the topics end, the relationship is consumed by everyday life. And the husband begins to understand that his wife practically does not communicate with him. Why is this happening?
Is there no communication during a quarrel or always?
First, a man must understand at what moments his wife does not want to communicate. If this happens during a quarrel, then there is no reason to be surprised. The wife is offended and by silence she shows her protest. For a woman to talk again, it is enough to make peace with her and sincerely ask for forgiveness for her behavior. It will not be surprising if after this she does not engage in conversation for a long time. After all, resentment does not go away so easily and quickly, especially if humiliating and offensive words were spoken.
If the spouse refuses to communicate even on ordinary days, when there was no hint of a quarrel, then this may indicate a secret resentment that she does not want to talk about. Perhaps she learned some information about her lover that she did not like. Then you will have to find out what she is offended by and why she doesn’t talk. It’s worth bringing your own arguments or chatting with friends. What confidential information reached your wife?
What to do with all this?
Obviously, if the changes that have occurred do not suit you, that is, silence is not golden for you, then something needs to be done.
First, you need to talk to your partner. Very calmly, after asking if he is ready to talk. Say how you feel, you are probably worried and anxious, agree on when you can talk.
The devil's dozen, or thirteen types of betrayal
Calmly and deliberately try to discuss everything that worries you. Be sure to let your partner speak, try to outline steps to overcome the crisis. Be prepared for things that won't work out right away.
In most cases, the relationship can be restored. Usually, to do this, you need to increase your level of awareness, understand what exactly you want, what exactly interests you, what needs of yours require attention and satisfaction. To do this, you need to move from your feelings to understanding what desire is behind them. For example, if you are offended, there may be a need for care and attention behind this. Think about how you can receive them not through resentment, which may infuriate the second partner, but otherwise, for example, through a direct request.
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Communicate more with your partner, don’t speculate on his behalf and don’t fantasize. This way you can better understand his desires. Provided, of course, that he is willing to cooperate.
Think about where the topics for discussion might even come from. And in general, what can you talk about, what can you discuss? Where do you get these themes from? What exactly do you usually discuss? Plots from books, movies watched, your work, new home, children? Make sure you still have something to talk about.
Most likely, open communication, in which you try to understand your feelings and desires, will not work out right away, but if you continue to try, then you will have a real chance to rise to the next level and “refresh” your relationship.
- about the author
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Andrey Petrakov
Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment
Latest materials: (See all)
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Frequent quarrels are the reason for silence
Any psychologist will boldly name the first reason why the wife does not want to talk. And there will be endless quarrels and scandals. Especially if their spouse suits them in most cases. A woman is simply afraid to say an extra word that could lead to conflict. Of course, a man is not always characterized by strong emotionality, but many husbands lash out at their loved ones after a hard day at work. And the reason for this can be one careless word, thrown even with irony. You can’t take it out on your loved ones! They are waiting for their husband and father to come home, they are bored. And bitterness kills all that is bright and good in the soul.
Men's rudeness sometimes knows no bounds. Loud words, humiliating insults, etc. hurt the spouse’s self-esteem so much that it is better for her to withdraw into herself and remain silent. Often the husband makes fun of his beloved in the company of friends that she talks too much. This leads to the opposite effect - the girl becomes silent and aloof.
Express your feelings with words
It's amazing how many people can't verbally express their emotions. Imagine this being a huge barrier to communication. Please don't neglect your emotions or feel ashamed if you have trouble putting them into words. Instead, let your partner know that this is a very difficult task for you. Think about how to enlist his support and help in this difficult matter.
A great strategy is to focus on your emotions, even tuning your body so that its language accurately describes your mood. Renowned psychologist and philosopher Eugene Gendlin uses a method called focusing.
When Gendlin asked one of her patients to describe how she felt when she thought about work, the only word she could come up with was sadness. He then asked her to close her eyes and make her feelings visual. She saw that she was standing on the platform and looking after the departing (without her!) train. And she realized that she was sad not only because her career was not going well. She was also angry and frustrated that she was constantly being forgotten about. Although she often helped her colleagues, it was their work that was celebrated, not hers, and it was they who were subsequently promoted.
The image and words that arose in memory reflected the feelings that the woman experienced about the current situation. Her body relaxed. Realizing her true feelings (not “sad” but “forgotten”) helped her change her professional goals. Now she understood what she really needed.
Extreme fatigue
If a wife does not talk to her husband, then she is too busy. Work and caring for the house are very exhausting, leaving no energy even for conversation. Sometimes you just want to be silent, listen to the silence. It's incredibly relaxing and allows you to rest mentally. And she doesn’t want her husband to burden her with unnecessary problems or stories about work. In this case, the man needs to make his wife’s life a little easier. Sometimes stay with the children so that she can sleep and relax, invite her beloved for a walk or to a restaurant. It is important to create an atmosphere of warmth and comfort around a woman so that she feels as comfortable as possible.
Requests for help Write your story
Good morning! I decided to write my own story too. She is banal and not particularly different from the others. I’m writing chaotically, my head is a mess! Yesterday my family life ended. First things first. Married for 14 years. We met when I was 18, he was 25. I really liked him, for me he was so mature and serious, very well-mannered. For 2 years we just dated, walked, had fun, then we decided to live together, I moved in with him. Everything was going great. I'll tell you a little about him. His character is difficult in the sense that he is very closed, unemotional, it is difficult to make him emotional, even his parents and friends told me that he is a difficult person. He never told me about his unearthly love, did not fall at my feet, did not shower me with flowers. He doesn’t even say kind words to his parents, he doesn’t know how. But we always had respect for each other, we joked together, laughed, in general the atmosphere was warm. A little about myself. I have had health problems since childhood (2 heart surgeries, a very severe congenital defect), psoriasis appeared in my youth, who knows, he will understand what it is. Periodically sprinkles from head to toe, only the south gives long-term remissions. The following is my story. Once upon a time we lived, and at the age of 24 I found out that I was pregnant, my joy knew no bounds, but the doctors forbade giving birth, they said that with your heart you either cannot bear a child, or you will die. Having given up on everything and undergoing numerous examinations, I decided to give birth. The pregnancy was surprisingly easy, a wonderful, healthy daughter was born. HAPPINESS!!! My daughter has been mega emotional since childhood and slept very poorly at night. My mother and I took turns at night to get some sleep. Then my husband loses his job, we move to my mother’s apartment, and we rent out my husband’s apartment in order to somehow live. Mom helped us a lot back then, practically supporting us. After 7 months My husband finds a job, and I have another outbreak of psoriasis. My daughter was 2 years old at that time (2011). It was decided to go south. We go, after 2 weeks my husband returns home, the three of us stay for another 20 days. Upon arrival home, my husband met us at the station, I saw him and was horrified. A stranger, with empty eyes and complete detachment. A week or two passed, I tried to find out what happened, but the answer was silence or incomprehensible muttering that there were problems at work. Further, more: he took off the ring, saying that it was bothering him at work. Well, then I started digging, and like everyone else, I came across a correspondence with a girl on my computer. She is his work colleague, younger than him and seems to be a very sharp girl. I read their correspondence and thought I was going to die. He wrote this to her! No, there was no debauchery there, only messages full of tenderness and love. After each of our quarrels, I wrote to her how I was blowing his mind, etc. and so on. I told him that I knew everything. At first he denied it, making an idiot out of me, that I was making everything up, and that it was all because I had nothing to do. And he sat with a blank look, hovering and looking at one point. At night I listened to Leps, looked at the ceiling and cried. Then came the climax. He went to the New Year's corporate party at 15:00 and returned at 7:00 in the morning, drunk. A down jacket smells of women's perfume for a kilometer. Then I realized that’s it. Told him it was the end. And she went to work (I just got a job). He said he would move away from us, I said OK. On the same day, when I came home from work, he began to persuade me to forgive him, that he just got carried away, that he realized that he had no one more dear to us, and then the rest followed the pattern, like everyone else. I forgave, then there was a “swing” for about six months. Either my husband is normal, then again he is a moron with a blank look. A lot of time has passed, I don’t know whether they communicate or not. I don't bother with that crap anymore. Nothing has changed for the better in our relationship. I am tormented by resentment. I can't forgive that betrayal. She knocked me down and trampled me. He wrote to her: “I have never cheated on my wife, but I love you, because I have never loved anyone.” My husband and I practically do not communicate, we have no common topics, he is constantly on the phone or watching TV. Two days ago I said that I wanted to separate. He said OK. All. I am afraid for my daughter, she adores her father, he is ideal for her. When I found out about the appearance of the FEI and there was a showdown, he freaked out and began to get ready to leave, my daughter ran out of the room (although it was night, and the showdown was in the kitchen and in a half-whisper), grabbed him and shouted: “Daddy, don’t leave.” I thought that I would kill my husband for all this, and that I would hang myself because I could not protect her from all this. Then my daughter constantly cried in the morning and asked: Dad, are you sure you’ll come home from work today? I don’t know how to live further, what should I do? If he leaves (and he will), he will not return me, he will not make any attempts, this is 100%, probably this is good. This is such a cry from the heart in the morning. I would be glad to receive any feedback. I would also like to add that he will definitely not move out in the next month, because... We continue to rent out his apartment, and we also need to give those people time to pack their things. Now we already sleep in different rooms and don’t talk at all. It’s very hard for me, going home feels like torture. It’s good that my daughter is at her mother-in-law’s dacha. By the way, everyone knew about his spree: both his parents and my mother. Everyone was on my side. I was amazed by his mother, she told me: “Yulia, drive him to hell, you sit at home with his child, wash, cook, your house is always clean, fresh lunch and dinner, your daughter is completely on you, and he allows you to behave like this.” . I am very grateful to her, she supported me very much. There is no need to talk about my mother, she went through all this with me, we live together. To her credit, she never interferes. Sorry for the long letters, I’m just boiling and there’s no one to talk to. And also, girls, to be completely honest, the worst thing for me now is that I can imagine how happy he is with her, how they will have a child, and my (ex-husband) will see our daughter less and less, less and less pay attention to her, and then everything will come to naught. She will forget about her birthday, the first bell at school, etc. And that second child will be the most beloved and the best. And this is exactly what takes my breath away and makes me want to howl, literally.
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Julia, age: 31 / 07/10/2014
Responses:
Hello, Julia. Well, let him go - good riddance. Do you think that your daughter will be happy seeing her tear-stained and twitchy mom and dad, whose soul is next to another woman and who doesn’t love her mom? Children feel everything. There is no need to forgive betrayal - they will not appreciate it. If a man’s thoughts and soul are with another woman, then there is no point in holding his body. For what? Sooner or later it will go away anyway. And in general, men are often very far-sighted in the sense that they can only assess what they have lost from a distance. It doesn’t work out for them when they are close; they take all self-care and love for granted. Therefore, they believe that they can get this anywhere and with any woman. And when they leave, it begins to dawn on them that the problem is not with the woman, but with his own head. And if these problems are not solved, they will not go away if you change your partner. It’s hard for them to get it, and often, when it gets it, it’s already too late. I don’t want to accept them, understand them, because I’m used to living without him, without his lies, without dirt, shifting eyes. I have seen repentant men, but their number is tiny. Basically, everyone runs back not because of sudden love revived for their ex-wife, but because of comfort, an established way of life and old habits. So to believe such “repentant” people is not to respect yourself. And yet, I recently heard a phrase about all of us, residents of this site. “Husbands leave good wives, thinking that the other one will be even better, but they don’t leave bad wives - they are afraid that they will get even worse.” So we were all good wives here, since our husbands set out in search of better ones. Well, God will be their judge and help them. Everyone will find what they are looking for.
Elya, age: 42 / 07/10/2014
Julia, you have already decided everything, and you have decided correctly, in my opinion. This is a very difficult decision and I admire you. I couldn’t do that at one time, and I was just tearing at my soul, and next to me was a man who dreamed of someone else. But the result is still the same, only more scars on the heart, liters of shed tears, and two of us, who for some reason tormented each other, delaying the inevitable separation and pain. You will never be able to be happy with him again, and why, really, live without love, and the child will get used to it, we all get used to it. And over time, there will be a person in your life whom you will love as you have never loved anyone, for the sake of this you can be patient and look to the future, and not to the past. Let your husband go from your heart, grit your teeth and let him go, he is also a person and also deserves happiness, you will understand this later. After all, it is better to be happy with two other people than unhappy with each other. And no child will keep anyone together, only for a while, but during this time you can do such things that the world will not be nice, and again, in the end, you will run away from each other without looking back, and you will do even worse to your daughter than could have been . It won’t be long before she gets over it, for a year or a year and a half, and life will shine with color again. I wish my ex now, 1.5 years later, happiness with all my heart, I love him as a person, love doesn’t go away, it degenerates (it can, after all, turn into hatred - and this is a nasty feeling, it’s difficult to live with), and May God grant him that what he went to, crippling my entire soul, would actually be worth all the torment. There is already a person in my life whom I love as a man, and I have experience of building relationships behind me, and you already know how not to get burned where you could, and you are more tolerant. Do you see how it works? Release the dirt from your life, open up to the pure, look forward - everything will work out.
Anna, age: 29 / 07/10/2014
Hello, Julia! Your resentment is felt in every word. It is very difficult to separate when there are children. The desire to save the family is very great, often with self-denial and self-destruction. But this is not a solution. A child can grow up happy only in a happy family, where no one hides their grievances, does not suppress negative emotions, when all family members take care of each other, sympathize, when all efforts are aimed at the peace and well-being of the family. I'll tell you about myself, and you draw your own conclusions. I have two children: a 5-year-old daughter and a 10-month-old son. Before my second pregnancy, I was treated for six months, we were preparing and waiting for our baby. When I became pregnant, my husband was very happy, and when they found out that it was going to be a boy, he simply cried with happiness, dreaming of how he would teach him what he could do around the house and housework. And a month after these words, he was having a lot of fun with his mistress. And we have already become indifferent, all the beautiful words are forgotten, we don’t need a family. I found out about the betrayal a month and a half after giving birth, which was rapid and very difficult; my boy was born feet first. He said that he was not going to leave, that he was confused. Then the swing, and while at home, he behaved like a neighbor, almost didn’t talk to anyone, mostly lay on the bed with a sad look, didn’t help with anything, just brought money. Once, I asked why he didn’t take the child to kindergarten, to which she received the answer that the child was taken himself (I or my mother took him). That is, while present at home, he did not consider it necessary to participate in family affairs. He just came, used everything, slept, rested and went to work (he works a lot, often for days, and gets very tired). Previously, he always helped as much as he could, until he met HER. He left for a month and a half, returned, saying that he loves children very much and this is for their sake. He himself continued to behave in the same way and worse, already tyrannizing and humiliating me. The apogee happened after March 8, when he brought a bouquet of roses for the holiday, being in a disgusting mood, and left in the evening, supposedly to work. He returned a day later, exhausted, and I found out that he was with her, although he had assured me before that he only communicated with her for work. I didn’t write, he pulled her into his business and made her an accountant and assistant. I lost my temper like never before in my life, threw myself with my fists, and kicked him out. Then she collected all his things, took them out and loaded them into the car. The next morning I woke up... with calm confidence that I had done everything right. Four months have already passed. We sometimes talk about children. He rarely sees them. Contains us. She lives with her Unearthly Love with the beautiful name Ksenia. And I go with the children to my mother-in-law’s dacha, I still don’t work, and I don’t really plan to yet, because... I don’t want to put my children on my mother’s shoulders. I spent a lot of effort trying to calm my daughter down, because... She adores her father. But it became much easier for all of us. The long-lost warmth and love returned to my now single-parent family. And I learned what quiet happiness is when your children love you and you love them with all your heart. And our feelings are not clouded by betrayal and lies. I also know that we survived this test with dignity and made it through. I have a divorce ahead, but it doesn’t scare me anymore. What scares me more is that I myself have to build my own unfinished house, abandoned by my husband. The apartment needs to be renovated. I don’t yet know how to earn enough money for these needs. I only know that my family will support me and will not allow me to give up. And I can't give up anymore. Dear Julia, I wrote all this to you so that you understand that in this life anything can happen, and not as punishment, but for good. There are values that many men now spit on and trample on. These are not our men. Your resentment and pain will pass. Be with your daughter more, it’s very difficult for her too. You will see that very soon, seeing your love and care, she will calm down, and you will follow suit. Now it’s scary and painful, but you hold on. Drive away bad thoughts with prayers. The day will come when a holiday will come to your street! Everything will be ok! Hugging you!
Natalia, age: 29 / 07/10/2014
Dear Yulia, first of all, I want to write so that you do not worry about your daughter. Children at an early age experience everything much easier than in adolescence. I know this from myself and I regret that I did not divorce my husband when the child was 3 years old, but dragged out this situation of divorce until he was 8 years old. But on the other hand, I’m just happy that this didn’t happen during the child’s adolescence. Secondly, the longer you are in a state of hassle, the more severe the consequences after a divorce. I bullied myself for 5 years, trying to restore everything. Bottom line: after the divorce, I was treated by a psychotherapist for 2.5 years and took antidepressants with a diagnosis of asthenodepressive syndrome. Therefore, if you get divorced for years, consider that exactly half of these years you will be restoring your psyche. Thirdly, you already have a heart defect, against this background you will develop hypertension and arrhythmia, think about the fact that you should raise your daughter, and not leave her with her mother, if something happens to you (stroke) For example. Fourthly, divorce should never be considered as the end of a lifetime. It should be considered as the beginning of a new happy life for you and your child. In a year, you will remember all this with horror from how much you wanted to return everything back. Fifthly, you simply have to send him with his things to his mother, it’s his problem that the apartment is for rent, he has a mother who raised him this way, let her accept and live with him, and stop letting herself be used. You have him sleeps in the house, eats, mocks you, the child and your mother, let him collect his things and stomp either to his girlfriend or to his mother and there he makes his mysterious and dissatisfied face. You no longer have to bear this responsibility. Take off the saddle, and then no one will ride you. Sixth, stop communicating with him, writing SMS, answering calls, just do it for yourself, in order to get yourself out of a difficult psychologically traumatic situation, and not for him, in order to teach him a lesson. Think only about your family, how they all suffer, and not about him, he is NOBODY for you!! He is irresponsible and dishonest, childish. And remember, in another month, in a maximum of 9 months, he will be crawling, crying, asking for forgiveness, begging to come back. This will be the second reporting point in your life. If you waver and forgive him, thinking and remembering your former “happy” life, you will return exactly to where you left, only he will destroy you with terrible force after you accept him back. Because you turned out to be stronger than him, because he is weak-willed and failed and showed it to everyone, and for this he will take revenge on you, quietly living on your territory. Good luck and strength to you.
Elena, age: 40 / 07/10/2014
Yulechka, dear, I understand you perfectly, the world is collapsing and crushing you with its rubble. All of us here on this site adored our ex-husbands, practically provided them with a heavenly existence in the form of homemade pies, cleanliness, comfort, tranquility and all the benefits... And from all of us who have written here at least once, our husbands left/ran away/disappeared... For some reason in the world kindness and simple human feelings are no longer valued, men are looking for some kind of explosion of emotions, they are not responsible, everything is based on emotions, the way children behave, they are cowards... Either it’s been a year, or there are few real men left... Yulechka, if it has already happened at least once, don’t forgive me. Don’t forgive betrayal, because this is no longer love, this is disrespect for you, for the child, this is already your man getting mad. What does "carried away" mean? Got carried away, which means you allowed this possibility, allowed yourself to do this, regardless of the obligations given to you. So let him go in all four directions. Yulechka, you will be surprised, but with his departure your life will gradually become much easier, you will breathe more freely, even if not right away... But definitely!!! Two months have passed since my husband left me (2.5 years of marriage). And you know, let me still dream about him, let me know for sure that there is still room for him in my heart and sometimes I pray for him, wishing him happiness, although the way he treated me….brrr. BUT! I went to the gym, I returned to the restaurant as a vocalist, threw myself into work, took up learning English - and after a couple of months I can already notice the result of working on myself. And even though I still feel sad very often, even though I still ask myself the question “why did he do this to me,” but I know that this will pass. And it will pass for you, Yulechka, for sure... Just don’t take him back if he suddenly asks. And let at this moment all the wounds in your heart that he inflicted on you be opened... No matter how difficult it may be, the one who betrayed you once will definitely do it again. I hug you and wish you happiness... The pain will pass!
Nika, age: 26 / 07/10/2014
Julia, I can’t help but add about your jealousy of a possible future child, that yours will be forgotten, and so on. We give birth to children first and foremost for ourselves! Dot. And his next child will be born primarily to a woman. So love your daughter yourself, don’t demand unconditional love for her from your husband, well, men don’t treat children like that, they’ll even scream until they’re hoarse that they adore them and are ready to do anything. First of all, they love themselves, your husband is a shining example of this, like thousands of others. Be strong.
Anna, age: 29 / 07/10/2014
It is a well-known and scientifically proven fact that men do not have paternal instinct. And if there is rot inside, it is forever. He who betrayed once will betray again! Thoughts will pop into your head about how everything is chocolate there - immediately out loud or silently say a short but very powerful Jesus Prayer. And read until it stops. Live on this site. He saves from suicides - low bow to everyone who participates in it. And then the moment when it will be easier for you, you will raise your head and even make plans for the future - here, expect a “petition” from your husband asking you to timidly come back. He might even cry and crawl on his knees. Well, or money and words will shake the air. These are already options. Julia, and here, think carefully about what to do with him. I had a situation with returning, he said that that woman turned out to be not snow-white but rather a stepmother, etc., etc. And only I alone could save him. Yes, I admit honestly, I wanted to feel like the arbiter of fate. Just don't play God! He himself made the decision to betray you, so let him sort it out himself. And you have everything for a happy future: everything is with you. Matrona pray for admonition. When I myself was in doubt and really wanted to accept my husband into the family again, I accidentally saw on my husband’s phone an ongoing “romantic” correspondence with his mistress. And to put it mildly, criticism in my direction... But apparently this situation did not happen by chance. God saved me from the second mistake. Be patient and strong, dear Julia.
Lyubasha, age: 35 / 07/10/2014
Julia. Our situations are somewhat similar, including unemotionality, a child, another woman. Throwing, lies, hypocrisy. Only I don’t love my husband, and my love doesn’t love me... thanks to my husband. You can say it 100 times, nothing good will happen to this person and neither will the child, only funding, if you managed to achieve it. Be glad that he will move out, don’t think about any of their imaginary happiness. A person with a burden in his soul will not be happy in his next family; time must pass after the relationship in order to build something new. Don’t torment yourself with thoughts, although I know that they creep in on their own, but believe me, these are just thoughts. And what they will have there is unknown to us, and this no longer concerns you. Your life is now yours. This man was superfluous, you will understand in time. You actually lived and wanted something completely different - someone who would give flowers and speak kind words and show emotions. Your husband will never be like this, he is not your person, think, maybe it’s just a sense of possessiveness. Do you want to live your whole life unloved? Of course not. Wait, get over it. It's hard, I know, but it's real. And then you will meet a man who is close to you in spirit, caring and patient. They exist, they just don’t write about them here, the way on this forum we share our sadness, not our joy. If there was a section on the topic “what a wonderful husband I have,” believe me, there would be no less stories there. Julia, everything will be fine, we are with you.
Yaroslavna, age: 34 / 07/12/2014
Yulenka, I am your namesake. My story was in 2009. Empty eyes, he cried, however, to the singer Maxim (which is unusual for him - an intellectual). My 6-year-old daughter and I annoyed him. I left after a business trip to Barcelona (it turned out I went with her) one day. He stepped over me, sobbing on the floor, said goodbye to my daughter and left with a happy smile with a suitcase. Divorced me with the help of a lawyer, you can say in 5 minutes. Six months after leaving, he was already married to the fairy of his dreams. She forbade him to see his daughter more than 3 times a year. I gave birth to a son, he is now 2 years old. I survived, as you can see. The first two years are like a fog. By the third year she crawled out little by little. Life goes on. I am on normal terms with my ex-husband (only through my efforts, the fairy did everything to make our relationship deteriorate, but I did not bring her such joy). Recently I met my ex-husband in a cafe, discussed the prospects for my daughter’s development (he has only now become more attentive and caring towards her), and has already complained about the fairy! But I don't care anymore! I have my own life! And I already feel good! And everything will be fine with you and your daughter. There is no need to keep a man who loves someone else. Let go! This is a thankless task; if it’s yours, it will come back. Good luck to you!
Julia, age: 41 years / 07/13/2014
Yulenka, about the baby - children in such situations copy the emotions of “trusted” adults. For children of this age, the most important thing is the normal, healthy psychological state of the mother. Your daughter perceives everything through the prism of you; she seems to be in a cocoon of your behavior, mood and emotions now. Therefore, what you need to do is look at the situation from the outside, abstract yourself from it, accept the fact that your husband is rotten, kick him out to his mother, lock the door behind him, tell your daughter that “dad decided to live separately. adults make different choices all the time, and sometimes their choices can be wrong. Dad made a mistake, he decided to live away from you and me, but he is alive and healthy, everything is fine with him, and everything is fine with you and me. It’s just that you and I didn’t know before that our dad was capable of such actions, but he turned out to be capable. Well, you’re welcome, and I love you more than anything in the world, we are all together, one family, so don’t worry at all.” In response to a child’s comment “I miss daddy,” you can say that it’s normal to miss, although, to miss a person who decided like that! Living separately from your family is pointless, but in general, it’s normal to be bored, it will soon pass. And try to create for the child more new emotions and impressions in which dad will not participate, go to the parks, go hiking or somewhere else, sign up for some new classes so that she begins to form a new set of memories, and sooner or later Later she will come to understand that life without a dad can be wonderful with her beloved mother. And sooner or later, a new dad will appear) Don’t worry. And regarding the new child, whom he will love more - you remember that a man who betrayed once will betray him a second and a third time, one can only sympathize with his new passion. Good luck to you, don’t even worry, time will put everything in its place, just give it time.
Psychologist, age: 37 / 07/30/2014
You need to break this knot, otherwise you will lose your health and grow old, and you are not alone.
Sofia, age: 50 / 07/23/2017
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Lack of common interests
Opposites attract, as the saying goes. It's actually good when a cheerful guy dates a calm girl. They complement each other and provide what is sorely lacking. But having started living together and having lived for some time, a man begins to wonder how to communicate with his wife. She loves pop, he loves rock, she prefers watching melodramas, and he watches exclusively action films. On weekends, the man chooses to spend his holidays with friends, and she remains at home alone, preferring a quiet, family evening. It is not surprising that such a couple gradually runs out of topics to talk about or is reduced to a minimum and the use of stock phrases.
You can always find a compromise and watch a comedy or cartoon together, and then discuss the movie over a cup of tea. On the weekend, go visit your parents or organize a picnic in nature. The main thing is to try to do everything together so that common interests and hobbies emerge. Many married couples like to embroider, assemble puzzles or construction sets together. These are very exciting activities during which you can find a topic for conversation.
How to have a good conversation with your husband
Here are a few other things to consider before you sit down with your husband to talk about what's troubling you right now:
- Use the word “I” more often instead of the word “you”. If the conversation is mostly about you, it will be easier for your husband to focus on your words;
- do not attack, do not attack your partner, but rather talk about what feelings you are currently experiencing and what you think about the topic of the conversation;
- do not manipulate your husband, for example, with sex or tears;
- don't defend yourself;
- tell us your most important thoughts.
Don't expect an immediate solution to the problem. If the husband wants to comprehend, think about it alone, that’s normal. The right decision may not come immediately.
And, of course, the most important condition when communicating with your husband is that you don’t need to be shy or afraid. The fact that you want to talk to your husband about problems in your relationship is already good. This means that you care about your future together, your relationship. If you can’t start a conversation with your husband - shyness, fear or any other complexes are preventing you - seek help from a family psychotherapist.
Another man
“If my wife doesn’t talk to me, then she definitely has another man,” many spouses believe. In some cases this is absolutely true. When a wife has an affair on the side, on a subconscious level she considers herself guilty and tries to avoid the conversation so as not to say too much. With every conversation she gets scared - what if he found out the truth? But there is also a positive side to this. If a woman is so afraid of exposure, then she probably doesn’t want to lose her legal husband.
What should a man do in this situation? Just talk. Calmly, without unnecessary words or emotions. To say that she has nothing to fear, that they will still be together, but the situation needs to be resolved. In most cases, this is followed by a confession. Further actions depend on the spouse - whether he wants to maintain the relationship or cannot forgive the betrayal. But it’s still worth finding out the reason for the appearance of the third person. Women are inherently very sociable. But in marriage, this gift sometimes disappears, which worries the spouse. To understand the reason for such a dramatic change in the wife, you need to understand the situation.
It has long been known that the psychology of men and women is structured differently. Something that a man may not even notice can hurt a woman. The reason could be anything: you forgot about a date together, carelessly spoke about your appearance, stayed late without warning, arrived smelling of alcohol, and doesn’t say where you were...
Are you sure you are loved?
Engin_Akyurt / Pixabay
Very often people have the illusion that if they love someone, it will certainly be mutual. Ah, that's not always the case. The second partner does not necessarily love you. He may be with you for various reasons. Maybe he is not very bored, or he is lazy, and could not find anyone more suitable for him. It is clear that if there is no love and some kind of sympathy or friendly behavior has not developed, then silence can become a natural result of such a relationship, which only one of the partners thinks that they exist. In addition, there are partners who do not consider love at all as an argument for starting a family.
Manipulation or disgust?
The wife withdraws into herself and stops talking to her husband. And he wonders why his wife is silent, what’s wrong and what to do? The “game of silence” can continue for a long time. The reasons may be as follows: the wife started psychological manipulation, as a result of which the husband must repent and make amends.
And another thing: she is so disgusted with him that she doesn’t even want to say a word to him - he came in drunk, started a stupid showdown... I want to take a mental break from the guilty one.
Fair and peaceful negotiations
What to do in such cases? Depending on the situation. If the husband is really to blame and the guilt is not trivial, it is necessary to resolve the conflict by entering the family battlefield “with an open visor” and an honest question: explain what is happening, I will understand and try not to repeat the wrong action. Most often, the spouse cooperates, but she needs to “ripen” before explaining. Therefore, it may not work out right away; the husband should be persistent.
If your wife doesn’t make any contact, you have to come to terms with it - sooner or later she will start talking on her own, and you have to let her express everything to the fullest. It is possible that she has accumulated pain. The monologue will soon turn into a dialogue, but it must be peaceful and calm, even if the husband wants to prove that he is right. Don’t allow yourself and your wife to let loose and become hysterical - this will grow like a snowball and turn into a completely uncomfortable lifestyle. Do you need this?
Show compassion
When your partner is upset, it is important to support them, no matter how significant the reason for the upset. If you think that your other half is taking what happened too personally or should react differently, do not rush to express your opinion about what happened or offer your own solutions to the problem.
Having observed happily married couples over the years, I believe that giving in to the voice of reason is not always the best option. Let others do this. Your role should be to let your loved one know that you are always on his side, accepting all his emotions, whatever they may be, because all feelings are equally valuable.
Monica is angry. Her older sister sent the children gifts for Christmas that they considered suitable “except for babies.” She sees this as another link in the chain of evidence that her sister does not care about herself or her daughter. “They always remember about us at the last moment,” Monica is indignant. “It’s like she ran into the store at the last minute before closing and grabbed the first thing she could get her hands on.” She just doesn't care."
Monica's friend Jonathan is pretty sure that her sister, who doesn't have children, simply doesn't understand that crayons aren't the best gift for middle school girls. But he is in no hurry to express his opinion and does not suggest that Monica call her sister and talk to her. Instead, he says, “I understand you. She treats you in such a way that you feel unwanted. It's horrible". Jonathan understands that when Monica is upset, he should not offer her advice unless she asks for it, or an alternative solution to the problem.
Do not offer your solution to the problem until these four steps have been completed, even if you are very tempted to do so. If you just be there and listen to everything that is shared with you, this will be the greatest contribution to solving the problem - this is how you will challenge your partner to talk. Tell him how you feel about it; speak in a way that helps him gain self-confidence, be an ally, not a “problem solver.” Use this approach in all your normal daily conversations and you'll be surprised at how much you'll discover about each other.
