My husband hits me - what should I do? What prevents you from breaking off a relationship with an abusive man? Part 1
In this article I want to touch on the topic of domestic violence. If you are reading this text, then most likely you have experienced violence in your family. Perhaps this is happening now. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is very widespread, and - what is even more regrettable - few people talk about it.
Misconception #1
Victims of violence are to blame for being beaten
In fact, in this sense, practically nothing depends on the woman. Why? – the reader will ask.
- What if she says terrible things?
- What if she was the first to push or hit?
- What if she was flirting with someone else?
Even if all this is true. Even if she behaved rudely, indecently or said hurtful words, it was the man who made the decision to hit or not. Could he just leave her? But for some reason he chose the path of violence.
- Yes, he got so angry that he simply lost control of himself! – the same reader will say.
Then why didn't he kill her? Why, having seen his wife flirting with someone else, did he hit her only after returning home? Why did he close the door to the children's room before striking?
Experience working with those who practice domestic violence against women (rapists) shows that in the vast majority of cases the man is aware of what he is doing and is able to control himself.
The inability to control one's own behavior is either a pathology or an illusion, and this applies to everyone, not just men. Domestic violence against women exists because men want power and are taught that it can be obtained by force. Society condones this idea.
The idea that a woman provokes a man to use violence is completely untenable. Of course, we can say that some women (and people in general) behave in such a way that you want to strangle them, but this does not mean that this is what they do to them. There is always a choice. This is what distinguishes a person from an animal, which acts solely on the stimulus-response principle.
Human nature has the ability to be aware of one’s actions, and therefore to control them. The ability to make conscious decisions based on the analysis of stimuli, one’s own needs and desires, on the one hand, and predicting the consequences of one’s reactions, on the other, significantly distinguishes a person from an animal.
The person who committed domestic violence was willing to do it. He was looking (or waiting) for an excuse. Even if a woman silently fulfilled all his wishes and demands, he would most likely “punish” her for excessive submission, expressing contempt for her position.
By nagging a woman for any reason, the rapist thereby gets rid of internal tension. What he does is related to the need to vent his anger, and the woman’s behavior has little to do with this. She is just an object of influence here, and nothing more. It is internal tension that causes a man to beat a woman.
Reasons for this behavior
Women who experience male violence may wonder “why does the husband beat?” Let's look at the factors that can influence this behavior of a man.
- My husband, as a child, lived in a family in which dad constantly beat mom. When he grew up, he decided that such a model of behavior was correct.
- In childhood, excessive demands were made or parents were too strict and often punished the child.
- Brain injury often leads to such outbursts of aggression.
- Men are losers who have problems at work, feel insignificant, cannot stand up for themselves in a fight with an equal person, and can take out their negative energy on their wife, whom they view as a weaker being.
- Alcohol and drug intoxication most often becomes the reason for a man to let go. He is unable to control his actions and can become very aggressive at the slightest disobedience.
- Provocation on the part of the wife. A woman can be the first to start a fight.
- A man may start beating his wife if he experiences strong jealousy towards his wife, most often provoked by an inferiority complex. He wants to control her in everything. A woman will be beaten even for the slightest delay home.
- A man fights when he no longer has any feelings for his wife. She begins to irritate him with her presence. He humiliates and beats her, thereby indicating his disappointment.
- A man can be a real sadist, this is a mental disorder. As a rule, such a person, even in childhood, begins to mock insects, then animals. The next stage is beating the wife, maybe even the parents. Sometimes such people don’t stop there and can start killing.
Misconception #2
Domestic violence against women will stop if they become better (more affectionate, more skillful, more beautiful, sexier, etc.)
Violence is not just an action - it is an attitude. An abusive man may or may not love his partner, but he definitely needs power, and it requires constant confirmation.
Violence is born where the offender has an oppressive feeling of powerlessness. This is why violence will always be repeated. The reasons why an abuser needs power so much are varied, but are often compensatory in nature.
For example, once in childhood such a person was deprived of the opportunity to make decisions on his own, was under the yoke of someone whom he was unable to resist (we are not talking about normal parental demands that the child obey and behave appropriately, but rather the central place , here the word “oppression” occupies.
“When you are 18, you will decide for yourself what to do, but while you live with us, you must obey. We feed him, we give him water, you know, but he also decided to set his own rules. No thanks! - such parents are indignant.
By using violence, a man who grew up in such conditions proves to himself over and over again that he is not powerless. Once upon a time he should have obeyed, but now someone appears (he who seeks may find!) someone weaker than him.
No matter what a woman does, no matter how hard she tries to be better, the violence will continue until the abuser reconsiders his values and accepts his weakness in order to learn to be truly strong.
Showy strength hides vulnerability, a sense of inferiority, inner weakness and still leaves a person in a state of powerlessness. True strength lies in having the courage to admit your powerlessness (which happens to everyone), and give yourself the work to overcome it, without causing harm to others.
“He bent me under the steering wheel and began methodically beating me.”
Everything was heading towards separation. We separated in May. There was a lot of swearing and humiliation towards me. One day he had to babysit his son. The child was with his grandmother, we went to pick him up. In the car near the house, Andrei began to reprimand me. I said calmly: “I have nothing more than hatred for you.” He replied: “And I have a desire to take you into the forest and beat you.”
He reached towards me. As he explained later, he wanted to open the door and throw me out of the car. And I thought that he wanted to hit me, I pushed him by the face and scratched his nose. He grabbed me by the hair, bent me under the steering wheel and just methodically began headbutting me, holding me by the neck from behind. After that he ran out and dragged me out of the car by my hair. Then he went and drank some water calmly.
I took the child from my grandmother, called a taxi and left. The houses were locked. And I heard that he had arrived. I wanted to write a statement against him, but my friend dissuaded me. Now I really regret that I didn’t do this. I called his friend and asked him to contact Andrey and tell him to leave my yard. As a result, this friend took him to another city for several days to give him an alibi. It was as if they had left much earlier, and nothing I described had happened at all.
Misconception #3
An abusive man can be a good father, so it makes sense to tolerate abuse for the benefit of the children
According to various studies, about 90% of children whose mothers are abused become unwitting witnesses. Domestic violence against women has a significant impact on children.
It has been proven that people who regularly witness violence have the same (or very similar) psychological consequences as the victims themselves.
In addition, as a rule, if there is a violent type of relationship in a family, it extends to children. Can a person whose actions cause significant harm to the health of his children be called a good father? This, as you can understand, is a rhetorical question.
“He strangled me with one hand, and methodically hit him in the face with the other.”
After Andrei arrived in the city, I collected his things, and he took them out. I continued to live my life. She filed for divorce and alimony. But the feelings still come. In the fall, he asked to see me, I allowed him. Andrey arrived with beer. I put the child to bed and got drunk. We started arguing. He was about to drive home drunk. I took the car keys. He started shouting: “You took my life, you took my son, and the last thing - my car - do you want to take it?” He jumped out into the street, I locked the door, I saw that he was already on edge. She said when she calms down, let her come back and sleep it off.
This happened around one o'clock in the morning. I, suspecting nothing, opened the door. He grabbed me by the hair, dragged me along the porch, pulled me around the corner of the house, and said: “No one will see you here.” I have a private house, this corner is not visible from the windows and is poorly lit. While he was dragging, I asked him to calm down.
Andrey sat on top of me and began to beat me. He strangled him with one hand and methodically beat him in the face with the other. The worst thing is that I didn’t even scream: I was afraid to wake up my son and scare my daughter. I looked my husband in the eyes, cried, said: “Andrey, calm down, what are you doing.” Then she began to choke and lose consciousness. At that moment he had a moment of enlightenment, he let me go. I told him that I would give him the keys. I went home, threw the keys out the window and he drove away.
Immediately after, I sent him a photo of my wounds - and he tried to pretend that he didn’t know anything. He answered: “What happened to you? Who are you like that? Come here, I’ll regret it.”
Of course, then you just had to call the police. But I did not appreciate the scale of the disaster.
Misconception #4
A man hits a woman, but he really loves her
Here the situation is as follows: firstly, maybe he really loves, but does this mean that everything is allowed to him?! Love is understood differently by everyone. For the abuser, as a rule, this feeling is associated with a desire to control and dominate.
However, confusion often arises when vivid sensory manifestations are mistaken for true affection. Love, however, is more than ardent passion. It includes caring for the object of desire, and such care that does not run counter to the desires of the latter.
The desire, for example, to isolate your partner in order to protect her from the harmful influence of friends and relatives, is not very similar to a manifestation of love, at least because it can go against the woman’s desires and cause her pain.
One should separate love (the feeling that may live in the offender) and violence (how this feeling manifests itself). If a man beats a woman, then it is no longer so important whether he loves her or not. What matters is that he causes her suffering. The violence used is a fact that makes sense to resist, regardless of what other feelings may be behind it.
In fact, domestic violence against women is a topic shrouded in many myths, but these four misconceptions, in my opinion, most often prevent you from breaking off a relationship with your abuser.
So, to summarize: a woman may find it difficult to leave her rapist because she blames herself for what is happening to her (agrees with the accusations of others). As a result, he believes that by changing and “becoming better,” he will be able to convince his offender to stop (will satisfy him). She sacrifices herself (or bravely endures this test), believing that this is a benefit for her children.
All this, of course, may seem like good reasons, but they are wrong. Ultimately, only the rapist is responsible for what he does.
Here we do not take into account his own history of training in violence. Of course, he has his own, often objective, reasons for behaving this way - childhood traumas, an instilled belief in patriarchal power, etc. But this is not an excuse, because ultimately a person always has a choice: how to live through his traumas and how to implement the attitudes given in childhood.
Now that the myths are over, let's turn to the objective difficulties and dangers that are associated with breaking up an abusive relationship.
To be continued
Some of the unfortunate wives continue to suffer and forgive their tormenting husbands even after black eyes and other injuries. Remember the proverb: hitting means loving. They are ready to blame themselves for everything, believing that they themselves made a mistake and were unable to calm, help, and caress in time. The wives believe the oath promises that he will never do that again.
Beat, beat and will beat. If a man has ever raised his hand to his woman, it will happen again. Their moral barrier breaks when they suddenly realize that they can hit without receiving any punishment or rebuff. There are rare cases when a husband realizes his actions, repents, and does not repeat mistakes - if he acted in a state of passion. Although even this does not justify him.
Why is it difficult to leave? – the objective side of the issue
Why don't you just leave? is a question that victims of violence often hear. The thing is that this is not very easy for a number of reasons.
First of all, it's dangerous. According to statistics, murder in couples where domestic violence against women is practiced is more likely precisely when the victim declares an intention to leave. As paradoxical as it may sound, often a woman remains in a relationship with a rapist because she feels that if she leaves him, she will be in even greater danger.
Secondly, abusers, as a rule, do their best to limit the freedom of their victims, including financial. Therefore, a woman simply may not have a means of subsistence. Economic dependence is a very compelling reason. If a woman does not have sufficient work experience and education, if she has been sitting at home for a long time, raising children, it is very difficult to find a job.
In addition, a woman living with an abuser is often cut off from her social circle and has difficulty finding support. Typically, isolation occurs gradually. There are two reasons for this: the first is the systematic actions of the rapist. The male abuser does his best to prevent the victim from communicating with anyone. So he strives for absolute power over her.
Someone will ask: why does the woman agree to his demands? He offers to stay at home (at first he only offers), but can’t she herself, perhaps, defend her interests?
In reality, yes, as a rule, it cannot. After all, a woman living with a rapist once chose him herself. Such a couple is formed on the principle of matching unconscious “requests”: a man with a tendency towards tyranny subconsciously looks for a potential victim, and a woman with an internal feeling of her own insignificance is looking for a “master” who can make her life more meaningful.
Of course, this phenomenon is more complex than this conditional scheme, and it is called codependency. You can read more about this in the corresponding article. But the bottom line is that victims of violence become such even before entering into a relationship with their abuser. Something inside pushes them towards this union.
Therefore, to get out of an abusive relationship, it is not enough to simply leave the offender - it is necessary to resolve internal issues, then the next relationship will be different. Few people can do this on their own; more often than not, the help of a specialist is required.
There is another concept that is relevant to this situation – learned helplessness. When a person fails over and over again in solving any task (in our case, satisfying his partner), sooner or later a moment comes when he stops believing that he is capable of anything at all.
You can learn more about this by reading reports on Martin Seligman's experiments. According to his research, the life of a person trained in helplessness is accompanied by a feeling of loss of freedom and control. This, among other things, leads to the woman becoming unable to resist the demands of her abuser.
The second reason is the gradually occurring reluctance of the woman herself to communicate with anyone. Often, victims of violence deliberately stop communicating with relatives and friends because they feel a sense of shame for what is happening to them. In addition, society often condemns them.
In addition, it is quite possible that the time when a woman was forced to endure humiliation and insults deprived her of faith in her own strength. If we look deeper, it rather did not deprive, but rather aggravated, her initial codependency, but on a subjective level this is often perceived by a woman as the final loss of at least some self-confidence that took place before marriage.
This is often experienced as the inability to cope with life's tasks without a husband. And where should you go, especially if you have children? After all, you need to live somewhere. It’s good if there are parents or close friends who can provide living space, but what if not? What to do then?
One should not discount the fact that many women have an emotional dependence on their abuser, since there may well be good sides to him. After all, she once loved him. In addition, divorce is a loss of social status, and for many women it is very important.
In this article, we looked at some of the reasons why women stay in relationships with abusive men.
We found that when a man hits a woman, the latter may be afraid to leave, and this fear is often objective. We also talked about the fact that often women (victims of violence) unconsciously look for men who will offend them. This means that having left one rapist, a woman is highly likely to find another. However, if, once she is safe, she can deal with the reasons that are pushing her into a violent relationship, the result will be different. This is good news because it means that women have the power to change this scenario.
The second part of the article will be devoted to practical recommendations for those who have decided to take the first step towards getting rid of violent oppression.
If you have any questions about the article:
Types of aggressive men
Men who raise their hands against their wives are divided into two types: “pit bulls” and “cobras”. The first type is the most common. They themselves gradually increase their rage, tormenting their wife with caustic remarks and insults. Husbands “work themselves up” to the point where they can pounce and hit. Typical dog behavior.
Such men are most often psychologically dependent on their wives. This is no longer love, but a disease generated by the desire to humiliate, to put in place. The wives of such people have to watch their every gesture, look and word, so that God forbid they awaken aggression in them. These families isolate themselves from friends and relatives, living in complete isolation, alone with their problems.
Cobras are much less common, but their behavior is difficult to predict. They do not need to inflame themselves; on the contrary, they attack silently and unexpectedly. During the strike they have a completely calm, even absent look. At the same time, neither temperature nor pressure rises. At the slightest provocation, they beat their wives half to death in absolute cold blood. They hit you regardless of how you feel or your situation. It will not be difficult for them to raise their hand even to a pregnant woman.
These are very dangerous, cruel men, although it is easier to redirect their rage into a calmer direction. When they see that the victim does not respond to his bullying, they may find another object to relieve the irritation. But you shouldn’t be happy about this: your family, friends and even children can be such a source.
Requests for help Write your story My boyfriend is beating me. What should I do? I’m 17.5 years old and it so happens that we’ve been living together for six months now, and we’ve been dating for more than 2. Half of our time together I endure beatings and insults, I constantly forgive because I love and because I have a grandmother who already believes that we will always be together, we want to move in with her (I’m afraid she won’t bear it if we break up, and I even left home to be with my boyfriend due to circumstances)... And I’m afraid to move with him, I’m not sure that I can endure this for the rest of my life and I’m afraid to have children from him in the future. Support the site:
poor Nastya, age: 17.5 / 11/18/2013
Responses:
Hello, Nastya! Return alone to grandma - she will understand everything! After all, the main thing for her is that you are happy! And don’t tell the guy anything in advance - just silently pack your things and go to grandma’s while he’s gone! It’s not love when they beat you – love is when they are ready to give their life for you! Happiness to you and your Guardian Angel!
Mikhail, age: 44 / 11/18/2013
Nastya! What kind of victim complex is this? Next time, tell him not to dare raise his hand to a woman. And you need to leave him. You can explain everything to grandma calmly. The same partners have ruined the lives of so many women. Run away from him while the children are away. Yes, you are still so young. Your outlook on life will change, and you will be shocked at how you endured it.
— , age: — / 11/18/2013
Darling, do you believe in the story that he will suddenly stop beating you? This only happens through miracles - when a person is brought to his senses by God or acquires the concepts of faith and conscience... But for now this is not the case... I will not offer you the option of enduring beatings - because you do not have another, “spare” body. And the person who hits has gotten the hang of it - if he obviously understands how terrible it is, he doesn’t stop. Yes, dear, there are sadists: people internally driven by Satan to hurt someone. You can still endure mental pain from verbal impurities - it even humbles the soul (humility is a Christian virtue), but you must avoid beatings: contrary to your grandmother’s belief in a fairy tale. Explain everything to her openly, show her the results of the beatings - if they already exist, and try, without quarreling with the guy, but sympathizing with him (sadism is a terrible disease of the soul), go to your grandmother or parents alone. Don’t be afraid to break away from him: are you really entertaining yourself with vain and naive dreams that he will turn from a killer into a prince?.. This happens, but it’s better to pray for him from a distance - you really need to save yourself. Because when you have children (maybe from a truly loving person), they need a full-fledged mother. So take care of yourself and pray to God: for in the Lord alone is peace, silence, unearthly joy. Go to Church, read spiritual books, assimilate them and accept St. Sacraments. This is the way to resolve the situation. By the way, “hitting means loving” is a terrible, bitter myth.
Nika, age: 23 / 11/18/2013
Better leave him. Yes, it will be hard and bad for a long time. But: what will happen if you stay? Will he continue to insult and beat you? Yes. And, God forbid, what if one of you grabs a knife out of anger?! Why then strive for this?! If he beats you and insults you, it means he doesn’t love you, but wants to use you as a free slave. And we were not created for the purpose of pleasing anyone. Every person has the right to choose his own path. Yes, it will be scary. But even worse is the continuation of the nightmare. Still, find the strength within yourself and leave him. Be happy! Good luck!
Loretta, age: 18/11/18/2013
Dear Nastenka! When choosing a man for yourself, do not forget that you are responsible not only for your life, but also for the lives of your future children. If he is already raising his hand against you, rest assured that he will continue to do so. And, subsequently, in front of children. And perhaps they will be beaten too. Even if he does not “inadvertently” make you disabled, such scenes will definitely cripple the psyche of your future children forever. There is no need to feel sorry for yourself, “I love you, I will tolerate you,” don’t be selfish. And believe me, it won’t bring much joy to your grandmother when she sees how he treats you. Please come to your senses! Happiness, strength and strength of character to you.
Vera, age: 27/11/18/2013
Nastya run away from him! The faster the better! Understand that such people do not change, over time he will only become angrier. What's the future with him? What kind of children does he have? What are you talking about? Read here on the website the story of a woman who gave birth to two sick children because her husband beat her. Think about your future.
Natalya, age: 23 / 11/18/2013
You don't have to live with a guy for grandma's sake. We need to think about ourselves. You're only 17.5, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend your best years of life, your youth on a person who is not worth your little finger, who does not love and respect you. There is no need to be afraid that your grandmother will not survive your separation from him. On the contrary, your quarrels, scandals, and beatings can drive your grandmother to the grave. Look at yourself in the mirror, you are young, beautiful, you still have a long way to go. Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Have the courage to tell yourself: “That’s enough, I’ll break up with this person, I don’t want to be a victim and suffer anymore!” Pack your things and come home! You made a mistake by connecting your life with this person for some time. We all make mistakes. But before it’s too late, before there are any children, before he beats you half to death, run away from him. If you manage to take this step, you will see how after some time everything in your life will improve. Only after you begin to value yourself will a worthy person appear in your life.
Alisa, age: 29/11/18/2013
Darling, this is how you give up sweets in order to lose weight?.. So you should give up your - this guy, in order to save yourself... life. It may be hard to give up “sweets”... But addiction to sweets is not always a virtue - sometimes you need to give it up. Therefore, for the love of God and sanity, leave the guy you “love.” Stop it forever. Break contact with him. He did not leave the best memories in your life. and therefore, it should not be on the mind. Your future should be on your mind. Light. And not the prospect of being beaten again.
Ann, age: . / 11/18/2013
To leave, and the sooner the better... there is no point in holding on to him at such a young age.
Meela, age: 35 / 11/18/2013
If you allow yourself to be treated this way, it means there is a “victim” in you. Like, I’m poor and unhappy, have pity on me. All people have this to varying degrees. There is such a good book about personal boundaries that you allow your boyfriend to violate. It's called "Marriage - Where the Boundary Is" by Henry Cloud. Read it. Otherwise, we, Russian women, often suffer from the lack of these boundaries. and without them you will not create a healthy relationship. If there is another guy, it will most likely be the same. The problem is often not with HIM, but with us, women. I have friends like this - my husband beat me - she got divorced, she got married a second time - he also beat me - she got divorced, the third time - the same thing again. And she always goes around complaining to everyone about how unhappy she is.
Lydia, age: 27/11/18/2013
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“I agreed to have a criminal case opened against him”
That day I was simply afraid to leave the house. I thought he was watching around the corner. It was scary to go to bed: Andrei knew all the secret entrances into the house. It seemed to me that there was a crack in the jaw. Then it began to hurt to step on my foot. In the morning I went to the emergency room. An x-ray of the leg showed a fragment fracture, and almost immediately we were taken to surgery. We installed a knitting needle. I went with her for more than a month.
I was diagnosed with moderate injuries: a splinter fracture of the fifth metatarsal bone, numerous bruises to the face, bruises, abrasions on the face and body, a black eye, hematomas on the arms, legs, hips, and bruises on the chin.
In such cases, a criminal case is automatically initiated; all I had to do was say: “Yes, I have complaints” and sign the document. The only strange thing is that all this took so long. I left the hospital and thought that my case would immediately be sent for a forensic examination, and after its conclusion, Andrei would be charged. But while they didn’t even call him, the investigator said “to give him time to relax so that he doesn’t expect anything.” It’s good that the police believe that there is every chance of bringing the case to trial, and they will at least give him a “condition.”
By the way, I later found out that he also tried to strangle his first wife. Because of this, they divorced. And now, when the case, although slowly, is going to court, I found her and asked her to speak at the meeting. The only thing I don’t understand is why our mutual friends didn’t tell me this. Everyone knew, they could have simply hinted, like, be careful with him. I would think again.
If my husband hit me for the first time, what should I do?
First of all, you need to understand the reason for the beating, since the fact of the blow could have been an accident. Secondly, look at his family in which he grew up, since it was the behavior of the parents towards each other that could leave an imprint on their son.
If in his family such relationships are considered the norm, then one should not be surprised that he easily raises his hand against his wife.
It is especially worth noting that one-time such behavior with many apologies and repentance with the presence of the fact of normal parents leaves the opportunity to give him a chance for correction.
Talk to him immediately and make it clear that you are the same vulnerable person, that you are hurt and offended, that if you do this again, your relationship will be stopped forever.
