Is a relationship necessary: the concept of a serious relationship, maintenance, breakup, advice from psychologists

October 29, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Lyudmila Frolova

The topic of relationships between a woman and a man is one of the most important. After all, representatives of the opposite sex simply cannot live without each other. This is the structure of our world.

That is why the worst thing in a person’s life is loneliness. It is very scary, difficult and painful if there is no one nearby who you can rely on in difficult situations.

Is a relationship necessary? The answer to this question can be the results of research conducted by specialists. They provide compelling evidence that human relationships are just as important to us as exercise or good nutrition.

Does a person need a relationship? After all, he comes into this world alone and leaves it the same way. But people cannot live without relationships. No matter how self-sufficient a person is, without long-term and strong relationships he will never feel complete. And he simply will have no one to share the joy of his achievements and success with. Is it possible in this case to talk about the meaning of life?

Do people need relationships? Asking a question like this is like asking about the need for food, water or air. And, despite the fact that single people often say that they are quite comfortable without a relationship, their behavior proves the opposite.

Becoming

At the initial stage, the couple usually develops a pleasant and easy relationship. And only over time, perhaps both, or maybe one of the two, begins to desire more. And then a transition to a serious relationship is quite likely. What is meant by this concept? Every couple perceives the seriousness of their relationship differently. So, for some, in this case, sex is an important indicator. For others it means absolutely nothing. Sometimes men literally shower a woman with flowers, compliments and gifts. However, they do not have any long-term plans.

That is why we can say that the seriousness of a relationship cannot be judged by any external signs, because a vigorous display of attention can be just a game.

In what cases can we say that partners are ready for a serious relationship? In order to determine this, you should use the recommendations of psychologists. Experts say that a mature relationship represents a person’s willingness to accept someone with all his shortcomings, his desire to make plans for the future with him and have the inner determination to link his destiny only with this partner. In addition, there must be a commonality of views. It is also necessary to strive to become a support for your loved one in the future.

When building serious relationships, some people try to find security and comfort for themselves, while others value sincerity and trust between a woman and a man. In the case where a couple has a common history, interests and jokes, psychologists give a favorable prognosis. These people are quite capable of creating a good and strong family. The seriousness of the relationship will also be indicated by the person’s desire to introduce the chosen one to friends and relatives. And, of course, to your parents.

Signs of a serious relationship

Sometimes people ask the question: “How do I know if I need this relationship?” Anyone who is trying to determine the seriousness of his partner's intentions should carefully observe his behavior. A certain indicator can be considered the attitude a person will show towards his significant other in the circle of friends and in front of strangers. Sometimes a man or woman prefers to remain at a certain distance or treats their partner with disdain. In this case, you should seriously think about whether you need to continue your relationship with this person. It doesn’t matter what he says in those moments when the couple is alone.

The seriousness of a relationship should also be considered by taking into account the absence or presence of feelings. If love has arisen, then it is accompanied by an indispensable desire to always be near this person. Such a feeling serves as the first step towards a long-term connection.

Does a person need a relationship if he is not loved? Hardly. After all, another criterion of their seriousness is the desire of both parties to be together. Only in this case will both the woman and the man be absolutely confident in the choice they have made.

Is a relationship with a girl necessary if a guy just spends time with her? At the same time, despite the fact that they feel good together, he has no plans to live together. Psychologists say that in this case the young man continues to search for his destiny. The same can happen on the girl’s part. Of course, such relationships can last for years, but this does not mean they are serious.

Another indicator of this criterion is the construction of joint plans. Sometimes there are no common views on the future in already established families. For example, people live for years, but do not have children. The reason for this is not a lack of love for children, but a reluctance to raise them with their significant other. And there may be quite good reasons for this.

Another striking example of a lack of seriousness in a relationship is the reluctance to build a joint home, because this will create responsibilities that will need to be fulfilled together and over a significant period of time. At the same time, the spouses are simply not sure that they will live with each other for so long.

As you can see, the seriousness of a relationship is a fairly broad concept. In many ways, it depends on the qualities and mental state of each of the partners, their moral and ethical principles, as well as their willingness to coexist together not only to satisfy their own needs.

They are avoiding you

You notice that your spouse no longer wants to spend time with you. The person has become cold and secretive, shares almost nothing with you, and avoids conversations. It is clear from everything that he is building some kind of his own, separate life and does not want to let you into it. And the point is not necessarily that he has someone else.

It’s just that the feelings are over and he wants to go on alone, even if he doesn’t realize it yet. And if a person has built a wall between you, it is unlikely that you will be able to break through it.

Talk about the future

What to do if there are no signs of seriousness in a relationship? In order to clarify the situation, psychologists advise talking to your partner about your desires. At the same time, it is worth pointing out that the currently existing relationships are not at all sufficient. The guy or girl who started such a conversation should not be afraid to express their wishes and explain their own position.

Is it necessary to maintain the relationship in the future? This will become clear from your partner’s reaction. He may answer that he is simply not ready for more. Sometimes people prefer to laugh it off or move the conversation to another topic. But it is worth keeping in mind that the longer the decision on the need to continue communication with this person is postponed, the faster discontent will accumulate in the soul.

Some people ask the question: “How do I know if I need this relationship?” But at the same time they are afraid to start a conversation with their partner. In this case, psychologists advise writing him a letter. Just take a piece of paper or sit down at the computer and express all your thoughts. You need to write in detail, expressing your feelings and thoughts. You definitely need to tell us about your wishes for the future. Such a letter should be handed to your partner and given the opportunity to read it alone. After some time, you should ask the person what he thinks about what was written, making sure to bring the matter to the end.

Sign 1: You don't want to be alone

Better with no one than with no one at all. If you don’t want to be alone, while everyone around you is in couples and already getting married, and you are trying to start a relationship so as not to stand out from the company of friends, it is better not to try at all and wait until this passes. There is no need to frantically search for a relationship so as not to be alone.

Way out of the situation: make an appointment with a psychologist and discuss your feelings with him. A good specialist will help you get rid of the obsessive desire not to be alone.

Break in relationship

Sometimes a couple needs to separate. Of course, this process is very painful. So is a relationship break necessary? Psychologists say yes. After all, sometimes people whose relationships cannot get off the ground simply need to break up. This will allow, for example, to understand that they simply cannot live without each other. Does a man or a woman need a relationship? Each of them will decide for themselves. But in any case, loneliness will allow the partner to understand that he has lost something important in his life or, on the contrary, has gained freedom.

Do you need a break from your relationship? Temporary separation may be necessary when disputes, quarrels and conflicts between partners become more frequent. In this case, a break can save confused people and their sinking feelings.

Is a pause in a relationship necessary if you are dissatisfied with your partner? In this case, a break for a while will put your thoughts in order and allow you to adequately assess the situation.

Sometimes a person complains of boredom, and he has a need to communicate with other people. Is a pause in the relationship necessary in this case? Of course, anyone who is trying to correct the situation, but does not observe any response from their partner, must do so. Breaking up will allow you to realize the error of your own opinion or help your partner recognize and correct existing shortcomings.

Is a relationship with a girl or a guy necessary if it is too controlled? And in this case, it is recommended to take a break, which will allow you to sort out your feelings.

Whether it is necessary to return the relationship after such a pause, everyone must decide for themselves. But in any case, this is just a break for now. Therefore, the couple still has a chance to restore their communication.

Relationships and friends

Often the reason for partners' quarrels is the other half's comrades. Do you need friends in a relationship? Or maybe they only provoke the couple’s separation?

The fact that a person has friends is his big advantage. But at the same time, such a circumstance seriously undermines existing love relationships. After all, for example, a guy will have to devote time not to his girlfriend, but to spend it with friends. Quarrels with your soulmate in this case are inevitable. After all, a person shares his opinions, experiences and emotions not with his partner, but with friends.

Is it necessary to sort things out in such cases? If a guy values a girl, then he should introduce her to his friends. This will allow them to come to meetings with their comrades together. Another way out of this situation can be found. So, friends can be given time when the other half has gone to work, left or is busy with other things.

It should be understood that for a future life together, a person needs to maintain a good relationship with his partner. Friends should remain friends. Moreover, they also create their own love affairs, in which only two are present.

Sign 3: You want to make someone jealous or attract attention

“Are you not paying attention to me? Then I’ll start dating to make you jealous.” Again, a situation that cannot be called completely honest. Think about it: you are going to use another person to get attention. Besides, it’s useless, because if a man doesn’t love you, he won’t be jealous. At worst, he won't care.

Way out of the situation: forget this person and mind your own business, as well as self-development. You'll see, over time you won't even need this person.

Maintaining Relationships

At the initial stage of dating, a man and a woman are in a certain euphoria. During the candy-bouquet period, the question does not arise at all about whether they need to start a relationship? At this time, each of them tries to show themselves only from the best side, in order to win over the person they like. And this does not mean that people are wearing masks. They only demonstrate their strengths, leaving their weaknesses in the shadows.

But some time passes, and the fact becomes clear that the lover’s heart has already been won. And then people begin to relax and show their entire character. This is often the main cause of quarrels and misunderstandings. Is a serious relationship necessary in this case? There is no need to be afraid of the end of the candy-bouquet period. After all, there are no relationships in which there would be no disagreements. The main thing is that partners can cope with the situation and listen to each other, expressing their own point of view as clearly as possible.

Does a woman need a relationship if her partner did something wrong, failing to guess the thoughts of his other half? You shouldn't blame him for this. Psychologists advise women to talk in more detail about their desires, because it is unlikely that a lady’s lover is a telepath. If disagreements arise on certain issues, each party must first of all speak out on this issue. Quarrels most often arise precisely because of misunderstandings.

Basic Reasons for Looking for a Relationship

First, let's look at the basic reasons why men and women get into relationships. One way or another, all psychologists talk about them, but each in their own way: some one way, some another.

The main reasons why people build relationships:

Solving material and housing issues (relevant, first of all, for women who need a protector and breadwinner).
The need for sexual partnership (relevant, first of all, for men, since a woman is chosen primarily on the basis of sexual attractiveness).
Confirmation or increase of social status (the minimum task is not to stand out and be like everyone else, the maximum task is to raise your significance in society through relationships).
Increasing self-esteem (self-sufficiency is the privilege of a few; most need confirmation of their own usefulness in the form of having a partner, husband, family and a feeling of being needed).
The instinct of reproduction, the desire to procreate (almost everyone wants to see a “piece of themselves,” even the most selfish people).
Compensation (nothing that I’m not beautiful, but I have a rich and influential husband; nothing that I earn little, but what a beautiful wife I have).
The desire to manipulate and dominate, cratic (from the Greek κράτος “power, rule”) motivation (it is much easier to gain power over someone who loves you than over any other person).

Purely hypothetically, the last point could not be highlighted, because critical motivation is also part of the compensation mechanism. For example, for a person who would like to rule, but due to personal qualities will never be able to become a boss, family relationships become the only chance to show who is in charge. However, the topic of achieving power over another person is much broader than simple compensation for one’s own complexes, so it is better to highlight the critical motivation for building relationships as a separate item.

So, we have looked at the main reasons that motivate a man and a woman to build a relationship. Now let's go back to psychologists for a moment. There are thousands and thousands of psychologists, but only a few are in demand... Well, okay, dozens, at most a couple of hundred psychologists in our post-Soviet space are indeed read, revered and in demand, and for many generations. Not so much for a multi-million Russian-speaking population.

Why is this so if everyone studied approximately the same curriculum? But because almost everyone sees only the most obvious, which they talk about in every possible way, and only a few see more and deeper than the main reasons why people build relationships. Few can understand the intricacies of reasons and relationships, and answer the question of why you need a relationship and, what is much more important, why a relationship with you might be needed. Let's try to unravel these intricacies at least a little.

Finding compromises

How to understand whether a man or a woman needs a relationship if disagreements often arise between partners?

You should not rush to conclusions, since it is quite difficult to meet absolutely identical people. Each of the partners is an adult, already established personality, with their own principles and views. Nevertheless, if they want to have a serious relationship, people should try to find something in common that would suit both of them. And this is very important when making any serious decision. In such matters, the opinions of both sides must be taken into account.

Sign 4: You are looking for the “perfect man”

We put this unfortunate “ideal man” in quotation marks because he is not even a real man, but an image created by Instagram.

The “ideal man” is rich, handsome, smart, successful, loves you and only you, does everything you want and the way you want. With the “ideal man” you are like behind a stone wall 24/7, he drops everything for you, is not jealous, your girlfriends do not piss him off and his wardrobe is always perfect.

The “ideal man” will take you to Paris for the weekend, will take care of you like a mother hen, but at the same time he will never become boring and will not lose his charm, because he is always shaved, washed, smells of Armani cologne, and does not eat all sorts of nasty things and, of course, guesses your desires with the help of extrasensory abilities.

Sex with the “ideal man” is amazing, and in the photos it looks so good that all your friends, looking through their Instagram feed, are reaching out to bite their elbows.

Sorry, but you need a robot. People tend to look bad, eat shawarma, dipping it in a bucket of tartar sauce, scratch their buttocks and grumble for no reason, but Prince Charmings do not exist.

Way out of the situation : no one will be as good as the “ideal man”, so all relationships will not be the same for you and will not bring pleasure. Perhaps you should consult a psychologist or think about who you really need?

Accepting your partner for who he is

Does a man or woman need a serious relationship if their partner has any shortcomings? It is worth understanding that everyone has negative sides. And in order to create and maintain a strong relationship, the beloved must be accepted entirely. Psychologists recommend trying to look at your partner’s shortcomings from the other side and try to find something good in them. For example, if a man does not want to eat what a woman likes, she has to prepare dishes separately for him and for herself. Of course, this is not entirely convenient. What to do in this case? A woman should study the properties of her favorite products. Or maybe they harm the body? In this case, you should think about switching to the food that your partner prefers. After all, it turns out that he is not capricious at all, but cares about his health.

You can check the man

Anita_Morgan / Pixabay
It is worth checking a man's feelings and intentions before making a final decision. You can try to simply disappear from his life. Namely, stop writing to him, answering messages, and generally suggest breaking up. It is likely that he simply will not notice the loss. After all, a woman interests him solely as a sexual object. He'll just quickly find a replacement for her.

If he really needs a woman, then he will be wary, and there is a possibility that the relationship will improve. And there will be harmony in the relationship. Often a man, not wanting to be the culprit in a relationship that he no longer needs, provokes a woman into a scandal. The end of such a scandal will be an inevitable break. After all, the woman will leave him on her own, and he does not need to make any effort to get rid of the girlfriend who is boring him.

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Try to experiment

Is a relationship necessary if certain problems arise between partners? For example, your significant other constantly forgets to take out the trash. And this begins to irritate and anger. The result of such forgetfulness is a scandal. Psychologists advise using a different method of solving the problem. You should talk to your partner calmly and without raising your tone. It’s good if there is humor in such a conversation. Do not forget that the carrot, as a rule, is more effective than the stick. And this applies to any situation.

If partners are not nearby

Is a long distance relationship necessary? Today people often ask this question. The fact is that modern life is very dynamic. People leave for other cities and countries, being separated from their loved one for a long time. This happens quite often. For example, a person leaves his city for work or finds his soulmate who lives in another country using the Internet. Is a long distance relationship necessary? Do they have a chance to exist?

Psychologists cannot give a definite answer. After all, such relationships have both positive and negative sides. It is not a good idea to maintain such connections for the following reasons:

Social pressure. Having partners at a distance leads to constant questions for those around you. They try to figure out when their lovers will meet, or express uncertainty about their fidelity. Such attempts to get into someone else's soul are often simply unsettling.
Feeling lonely. On the one hand, a person is given freedom of action. He can go where he wants and do his favorite thing at any time convenient for him. However, he always comes to all events alone. But you really want to see your loved one next to you and hold his hand!
Lack of tactile contact. Lovers who are at a considerable distance from each other lack not only the joys of intimate life, but also ordinary affection. Everyone has to cope with this problem in their own way. As a rule, such couples try to meet more often. In between time spent together, lovers try to throw out their energy in sports or work.
Differences in graphs. If a couple lives in different time zones, then one of the partners will have to get less sleep. After all, if it is midday in Moscow, then it is deep night in New York. Sometimes a difference of a couple of hours creates inconvenience if lovers work or study. In this case, you will need to adapt for meetings. For example, take a vacation at the same time. By the way, in this case there is another disadvantage that long-distance relationships have. It involves the need for constant travel and flights.

In addition to the disadvantages, long-distance relationships also have their advantages. What are they?

In more communication. It sounds quite strange, but it's true. A woman and a man living together gradually come to the point that all their conversations are limited to exchanging news over dinner. This happens due to the fact that over time, close people only need a glance or a half-word from their other half to understand her thoughts. After all, you don’t need words to realize that your spouse is upset about something. It’s quite simple to calm a loved one down without saying a word. To do this, you just need to go up to him and hug him. But those couples who are at a distance have to express all their feelings in words. That is why they constantly send each other messages and pour out their souls on Skype for hours.
In freedom. People who live together have to restrain their selfishness and respect their partner's hobbies. At the same time, sometimes lovers are forced to look for a common hobby, because not everyone loves active recreation or theaters.
In the absence of domestic quarrels. People starting to live together have to hear constant reproaches. Your significant other may be dissatisfied with things scattered around the house or the garbage not being taken out. For some partners, the period of such grinding ends happily, while for others, everyday life reduces all feelings to nothing. If lovers live in different cities or countries, then they don’t have to argue about who should wash the dishes today.
In trust. Long-distance couples keep feelings of jealousy under control. Otherwise, they simply won’t succeed. In the absence of trust and constant suspicion and reproaches, the relationship will be doomed.
In attention to each other. People who are far apart greatly value the time they spend together. When meeting, lovers pay maximum attention to their other half. They prepare surprises for each other and leave work, friends and everyday life in the background. In such a relationship, quarrels over trifles simply do not happen.

Parting

Relationships between people are an ambiguous and complex concept. This is why separation is sometimes very painful and unexpected. For those who are frightened by the possibility of a breakup and expect only the worst, psychologists recommend not to be tormented by painful thoughts. You should thoroughly analyze the current situation and determine whether your partner needs the relationship. Perhaps the fears that have come are unfounded.

There are a large number of signs that signal the fading of feelings. The most common of them are:

One of the partners takes everything from the relationship, but does not want to give of himself. Love, as a rule, is impossible without sacrifice. If people love each other, then each of them will strive to give their soul mate all the best. And he will do this absolutely free of charge. However, if one of the partners begins to pull the blanket on himself, then such behavior can ultimately lead to separation. A person who finds himself in a disadvantageous position eventually becomes tired of the responsibilities assigned to him and ceases to believe in the sincerity of his other half, feeling offended.
Constant negativity and irritation. If one or both spouses are in a consistently bad mood, we can talk about an impending breakup. Moreover, the exact reason for people’s irritation is not realized. Each of them only focuses attention on the shortcomings that the chosen one has, his habits, interests, friends and tastes. A similar phenomenon occurs when the expectations and fantasies of people who, at the initial stage of a relationship, idealized the image of a partner are destroyed. They endowed him with non-existent but desired positive qualities. However, over time, any illusion gradually dissipates, and each spouse sees the essence of his other half. That is why it is so important, already at the initial stage of a relationship, to separate your dreams from the existing reality and accept your partner with all his advantages and disadvantages.
Painful quarrels. Absolutely all couples periodically begin to sort things out. However, this can be done in different ways. If, after splashing out negative emotions, spouses stop communicating with each other for a long period, then the likelihood of a breakdown in the relationship between them is very high. Is it necessary to restore the relationship if one of the partners allows himself to make rude remarks about his other half in a public place? It is unlikely that a union can be strong if people are unable to control their negative emotions. Such quarrels humiliate a person and violate his dignity. Scandals in the presence of strangers are mainly aimed at manipulation and suppression of the individual. Sometimes they are arranged on purpose, thereby showing that further relationships are impossible.
Lack of care. This phenomenon is also a sign of dying love. Partners always look after each other. They care about the appearance of their loved one and their health. Most men strive to create all the conditions for their beloved to make her happy, giving her the best. Showing care is a need for loving people. If one of them shows coldness in the relationship and does not care what his partner looks like, whether he feels good, etc., then all this indicates the likelihood of separation.
Alienation. What does it mean that separation is approaching? For example, while people are together, one of them withdraws into himself. Parting is not far off for those partners who increasingly decide to vacation separately. This is considered a bad sign. However, sometimes such behavior of a partner is caused by problems that have arisen in him, which for certain reasons are difficult for him to tell about. In such situations, you should be tactful, unobtrusively calling your significant other for a frank conversation. If the chosen one really needs help, then he will definitely explain his behavior. If he refuses to communicate, we can talk about his desire to break off the union.
Lack of physical contact. People who are in love with each other always want to touch their partner. Such tactile contacts are a classic manifestation of sincere and deep feelings. If a partner avoids this, and even more so refuses intimate life under various pretexts, then this may indicate the fading of his love. But you should be attentive to your significant other, because sometimes a lack of sexual desire is a sign of disturbances in the functioning of the genitourinary, hormonal or immune systems.
Lack of joint plans. People who want to be together always dream about the future. If there are no common goals, you should be wary. It is unlikely that anyone needs a relationship in which one of the partners thinks out loud about how he will save money for a new apartment and buy a car, but does not mention his chosen one. All this will confirm that such a person is not yet ready for a serious manifestation of feelings or believes that he has not yet found his true love.
Mistrust. Partners who truly love each other are ready to entrust their soulmate with everything they have, even their own lives. If a person is not ready to build a serious relationship, then he is in constant internal tension, mentally preparing for the fact that he will become a victim of betrayal. As a rule, trust leaves a person after deception, betrayal and outbursts of jealousy. Sometimes in a relationship it is absent from the very beginning. This is influenced by negative experiences gained in the past and the fear of experiencing pain again. In this case, the person can make an attempt to restore trust. However, psychologists say that this is not always a reasonable way out of the situation. Sometimes it’s better to just turn around and leave than to live in anticipation of being stabbed in the back.
Constant dissatisfaction and complaints. Some people daily complain about their fate, showing dissatisfaction with their partner. At the same time, such couples do not observe any positive changes in communication and in life. This fact should alert you and make you think about whether a relationship that brings complete disappointment is necessary. You can try to find out from your partner what exactly does not suit him. If nothing can be changed, then separation is the only way out of the situation, because our life is pleasant only when people enjoy it.