Love triangle: reasons, what to do? Expert advice on how to get out of it

Loyalty = self-respect

My opinion is categorical: if a man openly cheats, he has no place in your life and head.

A man who openly cheats does not respect either his partner or himself - if he were worthy, he would choose his “one and only beloved.”

By the way, this may have nothing to do with the real wife. She just might be that “one and only beloved,” but her husband will not notice this. And she, most likely, too, since she allows disrespect for herself.

Love is always about respect, trust, interest and, of course, respect for your partner’s feelings.

Let's look at the main causes and consequences of such flawed, painful relationships, and the psychosomatics of a love triangle in general. Moreover, not only in the usual format of FFM, but MFM, when the triangle rarely lasts long, and we are talking about “fights without rules” in the event of a secret being revealed.

WHERE DO INVESTMENTS GO?

We humans are creatures of pairs. You don’t have to look far for proof: only two people participate in childbirth. Ideally, a love relationship is a so-called “dyad.” This is a system of two elements, between which there is an exchange at various levels: emotional, informational, energetic, bodily. A love triangle occurs when investments that should have been directed toward a partner are directed toward someone else. This is how the third element is included in the system. And it doesn’t matter whether positive investments are made into it (idealization of a lover or mistress, love, admiration) or negative ones (the opportunity to “drain the negativity” that has accumulated in marriage). In any case, this is something that is removed from the dyad, from contact with the main partner.

All elements of a love triangle are connected to each other: as is known from school geometry textbooks, all the vertices of a triangle are connected to each other by segments. It’s just that human relationships are more complex than geometry, and the connections in a love triangle are not always obvious. But unconsciously they are still felt. The partner latently guesses about the presence of a “foreign element”, but often turns a blind eye to his guesses... Not knowing is sometimes more convenient. In a “non-obvious connection,” for example, the wife and mistress may be strangers and may not even know about each other. But in fact, they are connected to each other by a love relationship with one man, which means they are in a state of competition with each other, simply hidden. In our example, the man is in a love affair with two partners (it doesn’t matter who he considers “the most beloved”). This means that he cannot be fully present in any of these connections. It is forced to split, just as a river bed, dividing into two streams, will no longer be as deep as before. In a love triangle, it is impossible to transfer investments to your partner in full.

HOBBIES TO HELP

In geometry, there are different triangles. They are different in love too. When we say that a “third wheel” has appeared in a couple, we first of all mean a person. But modern technologies dictate a different fashion, captivating men with the delights of computer games. Yes, yes, it is the computer that often becomes the main character of modern love triangles, replacing many other interests for the stronger sex. What should women do? There are many options: relax actively, add variety to your sex life, or come up with a new hobby. You can even play on the computer. The main thing is to do it all together!

Reasons for cheating

So, the reasons for cheating. They are the same for both sexes.

Recognition and admiration

It is very important to stroke your partner's self-esteem. Do not flatter, but sincerely appreciate the merits and do not forget to admire them. Give thanks for pleasant little things. Admire the beauty and taste of your beloved, the care and strength of your loved one.

Lack and monotony of sex

How much has already been said and discussed, and there are plenty of different courses, still many women believe that experiments in bed are with prostitutes. And there’s a lot more “grandmother’s” stuff that I personally don’t understand.

Is it so difficult to go on YouTube and find ways to spice up your sex life?

Moreover, both sexes have these blinders! How many men cheat because “she kisses children with those lips.”

The need for honesty and openness

Trust is the basis of family relationships! This concerns not only sexual fidelity, but also respect for secrets and secrets.

When each partner feels that the information told to the other is taboo for disclosure. When there are no lies even in small things.

The need for high-quality performance of one’s male/female responsibilities

Everything is trivial and does not lose relevance. A woman expects from her husband the maintenance that he is capable of, even if she herself earns well.

That he will be a good father to her children (even if they are not his!). That he will support her and protect her (from his mother, neighbors, authorities, “friends”).

Satisfying these needs does not guarantee fidelity, because... it also depends on the individual characteristics of the partners, but losing such a relationship will be incredibly painful.

Everyone will think carefully about whether it is worth risking happiness for the sake of momentary pleasure (and not the fact that pleasure).

Everything is different with us...

You know, as a practicing psychologist, I have many examples of how love triangles end. It all starts romantically and erotically, every “illegal” couple thinks that they “will be smarter and won’t fall in love or get caught,” “it will just be sex,” or the common thing among mistresses: “he really loves me, he’ll go to me.” and we will be happy."

But in fact...

Who creates love triangles and who becomes their victim?

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Why did someone third appear in your relationship? What is a “love triangle” and how does it arise?

In fact, “triangles” develop not only in romantic relationships, but also wherever one person begins to control others for selfish interests.

Who creates triangles?

Everyone - including children and teenagers. 12-year-old Sveta has two friends, Anya and Katya. Sveta dominates and often pits girls against each other. For example, in the school cafeteria she loudly invites Anya: “Sit down with me. I left a place for you,” pointedly ignoring Katya.

- And what about me? – asks Katya.

“Maybe next time I’ll sit with you,” Sveta answers.

Sveta uses Anya to consolidate her dominance and present herself as a prize to be fought for. This is an example of the use of rejection in combination with the divide and conquer strategy.

Feel on top

People with narcissistic personality disorder often create “triangles” in romantic and business relationships to reinforce feelings of superiority, boost self-esteem, devalue others, and outperform competitors.

Evgenia is a typical covert narcissist. Unlike the grandiose type who loves to be the center of attention, she feels too exposed and vulnerable when she is in the public eye, so she schemes to make herself feel special. She is jealous of the success of her colleague, Olga, and competes with her, but is afraid to enter into open confrontation. Instead, she is looking for approaches to Victoria, an employee with whom Olga communicates a lot, trying to drive a wedge between them:

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“I know you like Olga, and that’s why I want you to know something.” Please promise that you won't tell anyone what I said.

Victoria is burning with curiosity and promises Evgenia not to mention her name.

“I don’t know where to start,” Evgenia sighs, “but it’s very unpleasant for me to hear what Olga says about you behind your back.” Of course, I always stand up for you, but I think you should know that.

Five tips for ending a toxic relationship

Evgenia kills “two birds with one stone” with one stone. Acting in a “divide and conquer” style, she builds a wall of alienation between colleagues, creating the impression that she is the only true friend.

Collect proof of love

People with borderline personality disorder use triangles for other reasons. It is important for them to make sure that they are loved so as not to feel abandoned. Therefore, they manipulate their partner, trying to create jealousy, gain proof of love, or achieve commitment.

It is important for Maria to know that Andrei loves her, and she comes up with more and more new challenges for him. Three months after they met, Maria wanted to receive a marriage proposal. She decided: the ring on her finger would be proof that Andrei really loved her and would relieve her of the fear of abandonment.

But Andrei believed that three months was too short a time. He said he wished he had more time to get to know each other better before committing to marriage. Maria felt rejected, had a fight with Andrey and immediately started a relationship with another man, posting photos on a social network. When Andrei asked what was going on, she replied: “That guy wants to marry me, but you don’t.”

Maria felt insecure and used a “love triangle” to force Andrei to “prove” his feelings. She needed something to fill the inner emptiness that is characteristic of borderline personalities.

Catch Me If You Can

People with schizoid personality disorder use triangles because they are afraid of intimacy and don't trust anyone. The “Triangle” allows them to keep their distance from their partner.

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Psychological violence, recovery from abusers and narcissists, breaking up with an abuser, changing abusive behavior, self-esteem, relationships, loss of meaning, nice (comfortable) person syndrome, age-related crises, existential problems, loneliness, relationships “adult children - parents,” and more...

“A handsome husband is not your husband” or once again about attitudes

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Mikhail wants a relationship, but too close intimacy scares him. He has been dating Rita for a year, but only recently agreed to move in with her. The idea of moving makes him very nervous. Mikhail is afraid that he will fall into a trap, and Rita will control him. Therefore, Mikhail declares that he needs freedom, offering Rita an “open marriage.” He says he wants to be able to date other women, and Rita can do the same.

In fact, Mikhail's polygamy is not caused by sexual desires. This is his way of avoiding emotional intimacy. Mikhail feels the need to add a third party to his relationship with Rita in order to regain a sense of control and “take a break.”

Creating triangles is a strategy that different people use, but they have one thing in common: feeling vulnerable and insecure, they are willing to manipulate others in order to attract attention, beat competitors and feel emotionally safe.

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Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype About us/Make an appointment

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Swamp of the FFM triangle: two women - one man

About the participants. Wives who “are the last to know” and therefore suffer from severe, purely female psychosomatics (sometimes to the point of oncology) because they suppress this “secret” knowledge within themselves.

Husbands who are torn between duty, public censure, and a sense of guilt (before both - before their wife, who cheats, and before their beloved, who does not leave and does not pay due attention to her).

Well, and, of course, mistresses . It is most difficult for them in terms of social condemnation and wasted time - for short-lived happiness they pay dearly with health, pride, years, youth and self-confidence. And sometimes - childlessness due to abortions... Or, fleeing from love and “fast deadlines” for marriage and childbirth, they jump out to marry the first person they meet, dooming themselves to a sad existence without love.

Well, no one has canceled the cause-and-effect Laws of the Universe - you may not even recognize the “punishment” for the sins of the past... Karma, fate, everything about it.

Bloody MFM triangle: two men - one woman

The situation is more acute in the case of MFM. Sometimes such triangles have a sad ending with a criminal outcome.

Even the calmest man can lose his head and behave inappropriately, causing physical harm to his wife and her lover.

Especially if infidelity has become the property of the masses and the “cuckold” has to react to public opinion and defend masculinity.

In my practice, there was a standard dramatic case with serious bodily injuries to the wife’s lover, the involvement of criminals (“putting on the counter”), the expulsion of the wife from the house in what she was wearing when she was caught cheating.

Was the game worth the trouble?

To understand how difficult it is to get out of a love triangle, it’s worth watching how others do it. In the case that I mentioned, the lovers after this story could not even see each other. And it took my wife a long time to return to her usual social rhythm...

By the way, according to the wife (ex-wife), she entered into this relationship out of accumulated resentment toward her partner, and “punished” him in such a primitive way. And, if a woman knew about the upcoming humiliating outcome, she would never have stooped to infidelity.

Psychologist Sergei Klyuchnikov

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Triangle is a figure common in nature. According to the Chinese, one generates two, two generates three, and three generates everything else, a myriad of things. In human society, three people are already a team that can do a lot. There are positive triangles, but there are also negative ones. A negative triangle is a union of people who are not committed to a positive task, but to conflict. In human relationships, this includes a love triangle. Krylov's fable the swan, the crayfish and the pike, where everyone pulls in his own direction, is about exactly this. Everyone defends their interests, but they do not work for the common good, but for a conflicting problem formation. A love triangle occurs for a variety of reasons. The couple’s relationship does not provide completeness, for example, one of the spouses is not able to provide the partner with everything he needs: he is unable to tolerate this state of affairs and begins to look for another person. More often, of course, nature pushes men to cheat. Moreover, not all, but certain psychological types. These include such as a womanizer, a manipulator, a tyrant, an emotionally dissatisfied person, a sexually preoccupied person, a dependent person, and a henpecked person.

Often a love triangle is a prelude to divorce. One of the spouses is subconsciously looking for a replacement marriage partner in order to leave the family. Sometimes people just need intrigue, and sometimes relationships between three people are based on material or career gain.

Such an unstable formation creates a risky unstable situation, and the relationship teeters on the brink of destruction. It is not clear whether the partner will leave or not, and what will happen to the feelings. It is possible that they will fade towards one participant in the love triangle and bloom towards the other. In other words, it is not clear whether the couple will break up or not. It happens that the third is far from superfluous, but only strengthens the couple’s relationship. And a completely unpromising situation occurs: the couple’s feelings are killed, and the third is left with nothing. In short, a love triangle is always a symptom and a test of a couple’s strength.

Everyone is in dire need of novelty. Both men and women get tired of monotony, boredom, routine, they are tired of the predicament of relationships. A mistress or lover brings a sense of variety, adrenaline, and passion. This gives a charge of positive emotions, a feeling of renewal. The side effects of such relationships include tension, and sometimes it is very significant. The wife, the mistress, the unfaithful husband are tense. From a psychological point of view, this is a problematic condition. A rival or rival can exist either on deception or manipulation. There is no other way. This is always a condition that can lead either to exhaustion, or to dulling of feelings, or to the destruction of relationships. In this situation, by definition, there is a certain incompleteness, which can lead either to a complete return to the family, or to leaving for a mistress. Or maybe, as in the famous film “Autumn Marathon,” it drags on for a long time, as if hanging at a certain point. Strategies for solving the problem Let's try to separate the wheat from the chaff: get rid of false strategies in favor of the right ones. How do people behave in such situations? Often a love triangle leads to divorce, but this depends on the behavior of the parties. And everyone behaves differently. For example, one of my clients set a goal for herself to catch her husband cheating at all costs. Moreover, she decided in advance that as soon as she succeeded, she would immediately divorce him. Soon she found evidence of her husband's infidelity and filed for divorce. Now it is very difficult for her, but, nevertheless, she has the bit between her teeth. She prefers to remain in splendid isolation than to endure betrayal. Or another scenario. The wife herself takes on a lover, and the family union becomes even more unstable. As a rule, having learned about the betrayal of his better half, a man happily leaves for his mistress. In this situation, he willingly relieves himself of responsibility and experiences a feeling of satisfaction. One of my clients told me how she tried this strategy. But as soon as her husband suspected her of cheating, he felt offended in his best feelings, packed his things and left.

Third option. The wife has come to terms with the fact that her husband has a mistress, she has given up on everything and endures it, taking care of the house and children. This is also a hopeless option. You can and even need to accept this situation, but you cannot resign yourself and remain at the same level. This is a weak position. This approach will not save the family.

If a woman takes the right position, she can save the family. How should we proceed? First, try to understand what your husband lacks and compensate for this lack. Become the woman of his dreams again. I always clarify this point in detail from clients during individual consultations. What kind of women does your husband admire, what qualities did he especially value during a romantic relationship? It happens that a woman does not understand a man at all; for her he is a closed black box. The man perceives her in the same way. A woman who suspects something is wrong, in order to play the next game, needs to become internally independent, self-sufficient, and believe that she can do without her husband. We really need to gain material and psychological independence. If a woman feels deeply offended, sits all day, bursting into tears, and waits for her unfaithful husband, especially if she financially depends on him, then there is nothing to talk about here. It is important that a woman has her own interests and social circle. This state of affairs, as a rule, has a much more effective effect on men than hysterics and ultimatums. When a woman believes in herself, she will discover sources of strength within herself - and this is not so easy. I have written many books on this topic. It is possible to awaken this in every person, nurture it and direct this power into the sphere of relationships with a man. If she becomes internally stable and strong, protected, it will be easier for her to enter into the image of the woman of his dreams.

First of all, you need to renew and reload your consciousness, love and accept yourself. And at the same time change externally. Everything is important: hairstyle, demeanor, intonation, clothes, the feeling of a queen. The husband will feel it immediately. A man gets a thrill from confident, sunny and warm women who are doing well and who radiate positive energy. Especially modern men, among whom there are many infantile ones.

If a lady manages to seriously change (perhaps with the help of a psychologist) and demonstrate to her man a renewed self, then it is quite possible that, having compared her with her mistress, he will stay with her. If she fails to do this, then he will reach out to his mistress, who at first has a head start. The worst mistakes women make all the time are endless reproaches, scandals, accusations, and criticism of their mistress. Such tactics will only push any man away. It is much easier to leave a bitch wife, and it is quite logical to prefer a geisha mistress who will listen carefully and caress a man. In my practice, there were cases when a woman attacked her unfaithful husband so much and insulted him that he, without even intending to leave, was forced to do so. One of them, having drunk cognac for courage, called her husband’s mistress at work or home and told her everything that she thought about her, that she was boiling. In retaliation, her husband did not speak to her for several days. It is not surprising that this story ended badly for her: he still left for his mistress. It is completely wrong to poison yourself with jealousy . It is stupid and absurd to follow a man, catch him “in the act” and incriminate him. This is an absolutely losing position. Under no circumstances should you lose respect for yourself and your partner. In this regard, I remember a client who set up real surveillance of her husband in order, in her words, to pin him down. I asked: “Well, what next, what is the sequence of your actions?” She replied: “I don’t know. I will prove that he is a scoundrel." That is, it was more important for her not to save the family, but to throw out her negative emotions. The man might have stayed, although he hesitated, if she had not lifted this curtain. But she did not have enough intelligence or patience to behave with restraint and balance. It was more important for her to tear off the masks, and when this happened, he said: “Well, well, if I’m so bad, I’m leaving and the conversation is over.” The woman rushed to beg and beg him, but he was adamant.

When women come to me with similar problems, I advise them to become a bright, attractive, sexy lover for their husband, in which case the rival will turn into a boring and boring wife. You have advantages: children, years lived, material assets acquired together, mutual friends, but all this is perceived as routine and is not valued. It needs to sparkle with new colors. To do this, work on yourself, change, add sexuality, pepper, and novelty to the relationship. Otherwise, everything will end badly for you. Indeed, often in individual consultations it was enough for me to outline a few steps, and the man returned to the family. Because representatives of the stronger sex are by nature very conservative and not prone to change. Rather, it is more important for them to preserve their wife and their usual way of life than to go into the unknown. But the woman herself often burns the bridge that connects them, she herself cuts the branch on which she sits, she herself pushes him towards his mistress. I advise clients to read the French writer Andre Maurois “Letters to a Stranger,” where the correct strategy for the behavior of a smart wife is brilliantly described. She gets to know her rival, even becomes friends with her, recognizes her strengths and weaknesses. And gradually pushes her out of her husband’s life. But this, of course, is much more difficult than lashing out, throwing out your poisonous grievances on your husband. The sphere of feelings requires a subtle and delicate approach; rudeness in this matter is completely inappropriate. The first condition for victory is self-sufficiency, strength. I have to tell myself, yes, I accept this situation, yes, I was wrong, I was wrong, but I will try to change everything. But without self-deprecation. This should be calm introspection and clear action. The main thing is to choose the right direction. Gradually, a man can be reoriented, put on the right path, that is, the love triangle can be opened.

But in order to strengthen the relationship, it is important that you have a unifying principle. It’s not for nothing that Saint-Exupéry said that to love is to look not at each other, but in the same direction. If two subjects of the opposite sex look in the same direction, something third is formed. This design can be called a karmic triangle, and it is aimed at the future. The two go there together and this movement unites them. If they are focused only on each other, then they either begin to get bored, or make trouble, or look for satisfaction and release on the side. In other words, if there is a void in your relationship, then one way or another it will be filled. If two people create a model for a joint interesting and inspiring future, then the family will withstand any storms.

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Who is to blame for the betrayal?

What should partners who have already experienced betrayal do in a love triangle? They should be clearly aware of their “contribution” and not blame someone else. It’s easier to withdraw into yourself or switch to another person than to work on the crisis that has arisen.

Endless squabbles or vice versa - withdrawing into oneself, avoiding conversation - only alienate partners from each other and from solving the pressing problem.

Everyone is to blame here. Equally.

Blame the wife

Most likely, in marriage, the wife relaxed and ceased to be an enthusiastic girl, a lover. She stopped admiring her man or lost herself and stopped being interesting to herself and to him, respectively.

From an alluring seductress she could turn into a mother-children-chainsaw-“give me money”, who often says: “I gave birth to two or three of him, even if he loves me like that.” Sex could become a duty for her, and marriage just a habit...

The husband is to blame

The husband’s fault could be that he did not indicate to his wife in time that she had gradually grown from size S to XL. He could burden his wife with everyday life and children, and suddenly he is no longer happy with the free “nanny-housekeeper”.

By rudeness or indifference, he killed his wife’s desire and ability to please and excite. And instead of explaining what didn’t suit him, he preferred to find new feelings and emotions.

Such husbands are afraid to take responsibility and the strength to be a man, sort out their feelings and choose ONE, but instead continue to humiliate both and torture them with hopes and expectations.

The mistress is to blame

It is the mistress who is the key figure at the entrance to the triangle. It depends only on her whether this relationship will exist. Unless, of course, the man hides his status.

Each one naively (regardless of age, social status and intelligence) thinks exactly the same things (to choose from):

it's not for long;
it's just a sexual adventure;
he will go to me;
the wife is a cold, insensitive egoist, I will warm him with my love;
we love each other!

Of course, this may not last long. And wives can be selfish fools. And maybe you even have love...

Although, if it is more realistic, falling in love: there is no everyday life, you walk around longer, beautiful and erotic, preparing for each meeting, he splashes out the negativity at home, and brings you libido and gifts.

You don’t even know what you’re like in everyday life (sneak trips for a couple of days don’t count).

How to get out of a love triangle?

This material is structured in the form of answers to questions from women who are affected by this topic (questions are in bold). In fact, although not everyone remembers and understands this, the topic concerns all people without exception, since each of us has already been in the very first love triangular relationship and went through it with greater or lesser losses. This is the relationship between dad, mom and child (ages 3-6 years). The questions themselves on the topic lead in depth, to those foundations that give the right and opportunity for feeling and realizing oneself as an individual person. Of course, triangular relationships wife - husband - mistress occur more often than husband - wife - lover; even less often, both partners have lovers (love square) or even more exotic options associated with the hidden homosexuality of one of the partners or both of them.

So, questions

What interests me about this topic is: why is it taking so long? Why can't you end this relationship easily?

The first answer I think of is that in general such relationships are much more convenient for a man than for a man.

This clerical error is not accidental. Maybe they are more comfortable for a boy than for a man. Because this man behaves like a boy, secretly from his mother (wife), dating a girl.

And if we talk about a mistress, then here is the relationship between a girl and a married man (dad). In my opinion, the forecasts for such relationships depend on how much a person (no matter who is from this triangle) can leave the relationship. If he/she has not parted with his/her mom/dad in his soul, has not separated from them, then with others he/she is still losing the same incomplete relationships and is looking (unconsciously) for suitable partners for this. If a person is old enough, he will not be afraid to enter relationships, get out of them and find more satisfying relationships, he will not be afraid to take risks and make mistakes. The main thing for any person is the ability to be alone and endure his loneliness, and often this unbearability becomes a motive for entering into a relationship, at the same time, this same unbearability of his loneliness is a motive to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship. No matter how or what any of this trio reassures themselves with, they all feel bad in such a situation, they all suffer, but they are all afraid to part with each other. It always turns out that they all had unhappy parents' families, where, as children, they were involved in adult conflicts between father and mother, which slowed down their maturation.

Indeed, I was thinking about the same topic, only from the other side: for example, when a wife knows and, so to speak, “allows” a man to enter into a relationship “on the side” - the position of such a woman is very reminiscent of a mother’s: “Whatever the child enjoys - If only she didn’t cry.”

Whether a wife consciously sends her husband on the side or does it unconsciously is not so important, but what is important is that their sexual relationship is disturbed (either very rare, does not give pleasure, or is not wanted at all, especially after the child appears) . The reason is that both the wife, the husband, and the mistress, who remains in this relationship for three, have their sexuality blocked. This means that it is difficult for such a woman to imagine her mother as her father’s “mistress,” and therefore in her family she cannot be both the mother of children and the “mistress” of her husband. It is also difficult for a man to imagine his father and mother as “lovers.” In other words, such splitting leads to the fact that loving relationships that give pleasure can only be had in secret. Desire is loaded with a large amount of guilt and fear of punishment. It is impossible to have fun together in a legal marriage; a third is needed, since this third (the sexy father whom the mother wants) is poorly represented in the heads of the characters in the triangle.

I think that in the vast majority of cases this is what happens. But on the other hand, I knew one man, a March cat, who regularly had sex with both his wife and his mistress, their relationship continued for a long time until he moved to another city.

Maybe there are times when you have great sex with your wife and great sex with your mistress for a long time?

You're right. Of course, it’s impossible to explain everything just by good or bad sex. All people are different and have fixations in mental development at different phases. These fixations occur due to the inability to resolve the conflict inherent in each of the phases. All people go through these phases from birth until about 5-6 years old, so they usually say that a person’s character has already been developed by this age.

Phases:

Oral - up to 1-1.5 years, anal - from 1.5 to three years and Oedipal phase - from three to 5-6 years. The problems of the oral phase are most profound and severe in the case of a cold, unresponsive, depressed or absent mother, and in adulthood such a person will be very afraid of getting into a dependent relationship, he will suffer from loneliness on the one hand, and on the other hand, close relationships will cause great anxiety and unconsciously he will do something to prevent or destroy them.
The conflict of the anal phase is a conflict of power (who controls whom, who has whom), an irrepressible desire to manage, own, have. Fear will be caused by situations when a person does not control something or someone. It is important to him that everything is “caught”, since as a child he probably experienced a lot of humiliation and helplessness due to the strict control of adults over him. People fixed in this phase are very jealous (to the point of paranoid suspicion) and envious.
We previously discussed the conflict of the Oedipus phase, that is, the age when a child identifies himself with a certain gender. Unlike the first two phases, dyadic, this is a relationship between three participants - here the most important role is played by the father or the one who replaces him for the child and a lot depends on how he will behave with the child and what role he plays in the life of the mother.

In the case of a man who has wonderful sex with both his wife and his mistress, one can assume, if, of course, you believe that this is really the case, that it is not so much sex that is important to him, but control. Sex here is only a cover and a tool for mastering a deeper anxiety: loss of control (over his wife, mistress) or, relationships with both save him from having a close relationship at all (everyone is in limbo, including himself) .

That is, both the wife and the mistress (or only the wife?) cannot imagine their mothers as mistresses of their husband (her father) and mothers at the same time?

That’s right, if neither of these relationships works out.

Example: a husband lived with his wife for twenty years, and he had a mistress, with whom the relationship lasted for four years (quite a long-term relationship), why for twenty years he could imagine his father and mother as “lovers”, and then suddenly stopped representing them ? Or did he just hold on for twenty years?

To answer this question, it is important to know what happened in their life together before the appearance of their mistress. Of course, nothing just happens. Probably, some kind of balance that was maintained in their lives during these years at the expense of something or someone was disrupted. For example, the role of a mistress was played by a daughter (not literally, of course, but the relationship with her in the family was more important for the father than with his wife), and then she cheated on her dad (got married), after which the dad cheated on his daughter, and the wife here with from the very beginning she was on the sidelines, giving way to her daughter’s primacy.

A very interesting point. Please try to decipher it. In the families of all three, their parents had bad sexual relationships and the children unconsciously felt this, or the children identify mother with “mother” and father with “father” so strongly that they cannot comprehend that they could be wonderful lovers?

As you know, in the family of a hanged man they don’t talk about rope. No matter how parents pretend that everything is fine, children, of course, feel their unhappiness. But more often there is quite open hatred of each other with a showdown in front of the children. At the same time, having beaten each other, having discharged themselves, they then go to bed and have wonderful sex, but the children see only one side of the relationship (this is not the worst version of the relationship). It’s worse when there are unspoken prohibitions and family secrets in the family, which, by default, cannot be talked about, or when parents give paradoxical messages to children, for example: “If you had been born a boy, dad would not have left me!” or “I gave up my personal life for you!” (that is, “You are my slave and you are to blame for my misfortune”). And who else should children identify with if not with the parents whom fate has assigned them? It is important to understand that this is not a conscious process, but an unconscious one, and on a conscious level such a child, having become an adult, can say that he would never want to be like his mother or father, but behaves the same way, since he had no other models .

I don't understand this point a little. If a girl loved (or did not love) her dad very much and somehow did not end this relationship, does she continue it with her lover, although, in general, with her dad? Two points are not entirely clear. What does it mean - she has not completed this relationship (she is always a daughter, and he is always a dad), and why does she sleep with another man to complete it in her soul with her dad?

If you haven’t completed your relationship, this means that you still have a strong (unconscious) desire to take your beloved dad away from your mom. Or take revenge on him because he cheated on his mother and abandoned her (by the way, children are abandoned, and adults break up). It’s as if he didn’t cheat on his mom and didn’t break up with her, but with this very girl, that is, the girl is identified only with the mom who suffers and is jealous, but not with the one who had fun with her dad, that is, with her dad’s lover mom . You say - this is another man and what does dad have to do with it, but you understand this with your mind, and your premonition says all sorts of other things: “What I was most afraid of in my relationship with my lover was that he would leave the family. I was torn by doubts, what if we don’t succeed, what if he blames me for leaving his child and wife, and what if our relationship changes completely, and what if it turns out that there is a better option for me, and what if he misses his family, and what, and what, and what..." Behind such doubts is childish guilt and omnipotence (all because of me). You will destroy their family, he will suffer and blame you, you will suffer with him (like mom), etc.

Everything happens as in the saying: “You can’t build happiness on someone else’s misfortune,” that is, you cannot be happy. If you are happy, then you are to blame for the unhappiness of another woman (married). Mom and girl have one happiness for two - dad!

Behind all these premonitions there is an unfinished desire - both the desire itself and the fear that it will come true (after all, you can’t do it with dad!). This situation itself is triangular - a compromise between forbidden desire and conscience. This is both pleasure and punishment at the same time.

Hopelessness arises, on the one hand, due to the fact that any girl seeks her father’s attention at Oedipus age and dreams of excluding her mother from this relationship; on the other hand, she needs the love and support of her mother and is afraid of losing her affection. Parents can help her get through this drama if there is enough love and understanding between them. Then the girl can leave her dad to her mom and go in search of her man (the same age). But everything becomes complicated if immature parents drag the child into unresolved adult conflicts. The father and mother can use the love and affection of a girl to compensate for disappointments in each other. In this case, the saying turns out to be true, and it will be more difficult to end the drama between dad, mom and child.

For some reason, fear was not identified as a separate reason for such relationships - because I think that fear is the most important reason for a lover to continue to remain in such a relationship (along with other reasons).

Of course, fear of loneliness is the most important reason to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. If this is the only reason to stay in a relationship, then it doesn’t matter who you’re with, since the main thing is not to be alone with yourself, with your own depressive or aggressive thoughts and fantasies, and maybe with emptiness. This may not just be a problem with relationships specifically with men, but a deeper problem rooted in the relationship between an unreliable, frustrating or anxious mother and baby. These relationships can also be repeated and overlap with the relationship with a lover, but this is no longer a love relationship between a girl and her dad (where there is more jealousy and fear of punishment), but a relationship between a mother and a child who is afraid to let her go. Here we are talking more about mental survival - about the life and death of one’s self (“I’m nothing without you”, “You left - I’m gone”).

Could you please give examples of conflicts between father and mother that could have such an impact on the fate of children?

Conflicts between parents are related to their own intrapersonal problems (often unconscious), which they can pass on to their children without thinking at all about the consequences for the child. This is how neurosis can be passed on from generation to generation.

In short, these are all cases of sexual seduction and use (covert or open) by parents of their children. That is, one of the parents puts the child in the place of their partner, and the partner (adult) in the second place, or he (the partner) is not on the “horizon” at all (“The child replaces everything for me, this is my life! I don’t need anything else! ") or he is “hidden” and a secret relationship is maintained with him.

Examples of seduction: a dad washes his twelve-year-old daughter in the bathroom. Mom puts her four-year-old son in bed between her and dad (like a sanitary pad). Dad, instead of mom, takes his teenage daughter on vacation and goes with her to hot spots. A mother and her teenage daughter go to discos together as girlfriends, etc. and so on.

What happens to the child? He finds himself in the role of an adult’s accomplice, he is seduced in this way: a child’s or teenager’s unformed or fragile sexuality collides with an adult’s incestuous (incestuous) desire. It is important to understand that the child has such a desire and if an adult answers it directly, then he destroys the child’s psyche. It’s destructive, because it’s one thing to dream and imagine yourself in a relationship, but it’s quite another thing to find yourself in the shoes of an adult partner. This is a trauma that freezes sexuality and forces you to repeat the same relationships in your adult life with other people.

Statistics of exits from love triangles

Statistics are a stubborn thing: only 3-5% of the total mass of such relationships end in the marriage of lovers. At the same time, it is not a fact that a man will cope with depression from feelings of guilt in front of an abandoned family, public censure, and a ban on seeing children. To restore your psyche after leaving, you need time equal to a month for each year of marriage. How long did your loved one “suffer” there? 10-15-25 years?

And, an important point. It's only hard the first time. Steal, cheat, get divorced... Now it won’t be difficult to change and leave - you set an example that it’s “possible.”

It is believed that in such a triangle it is easiest for a man - he lives in a family and goes to his beloved for pleasure. Paradise!

In fact, the most difficult thing for a man is the feeling of guilt, eternal squabbles on both sides with the demand to “choose her.” Find time in your busy work schedule for dates.

And if you give one something more than the other... A scandal. Satisfy both sexually, since inevitably each will accuse him of having sex with the other. From such tension you won’t want any sex anymore!

In addition, a man can be sincerely in love with his mistress and suffer from the inability to be with her always, but be a decent man with a high threshold of responsibility (no matter how comical it sounds in such a situation) and not leave his wife and children.

I have unfortunate trios who live in such a swamp for years or decades. Often, mistresses even have children in order to balance the odds, but their husbands still do not leave for them.

What to do with a love triangle?

There are several options for dealing with a situation with a love triangle, some are trying to quickly leave such conditions, while others are deliberately thinking about creating a triple relationship, and the difference in behavior will depend on the difference in the reasons for the creation.

The reasons for love triangles can be justified by a lack of brightness in one’s own life (both a triangle and mountaineering will raise the adrenaline level of such a person with equal success), or they can lie in the desire to reduce excess stress and save one’s own mental strength (breaking up with a previous partner and establishing contact with a new one - energy-consuming activities, but the distribution of one’s nervous tension between two people provides double and constant support).

On the one hand, it seems that the triangle is beneficial to only one participant; in fact, it is a fairly stable figure of relationships that covers the needs of the participants. So before you blame your partner, listen to what personal injuries this situation allows you to cover up. This may be a fear of establishing a direct relationship with your partner, and then it is very convenient to transform the anxiety and horror of your own worldview into anger about the presence of a third-party connection. This may be an unpreparedness for a serious and significant relationship, so a busy person is subconsciously chosen, who is not capable of building something monumental at the moment (it often happens that as soon as a person makes a choice between two partners, both leave, since now they have to build real relationship, and not a demo version, for which there was no internal readiness, resources and experience). This may be a reluctance to make choices and take responsibility, aggravating the situation until the other two participants decide everything themselves (infantile position of avoidance).

A love triangle should push, first of all, to study one’s own mental traumas and resources in order to subsequently make the most nutritious decision in terms of energy and mental health - this could be a decision to stay and continue, realizing that if destroyed, you will lose more valuable things, and there may be a decision to immediately leave, as to save one’s own life and the integrity of one’s manifestation.

It is important to keep in mind that with the direct and thoughtless elimination of a third participant, the most common consequences are either the destruction of tandem relationships, or the emergence of a new third participant. Since the very fact of the emergence of a third participant in a relationship occurs due to the destabilization of the system of relationships, and then the third person, taking on part of the energy, balances the relationship and allows it not to fall apart. Without working through internal conflicts, such situations will return, if not by the appearance of new lovers, then by interfering with the lives of relatives and friends, communicating through children - the ways of not meeting directly with a real person are endlessly varied.

When clarifying relationships to further determine actions, talk as equals, no matter what role you are in. Accusations, feelings of guilt and shame, reproaches and calls to conscience will be relevant for your neighbors, who will want to discuss all the details and give their “expert opinion”, and there should be an equal dialogue between you, because a family is a system and changing one element is impossible without changing all of them, and everyone is involved in this situation (through their actions or inactions, impulsive reactions or concealing feelings).

Features of MFM love triangles

MFM triangles are less durable and have their own rules and principles. On the one hand, women are more cautious, they cheat quietly, unnoticed by their husband, who “pushed” her into the hands of her lover precisely with his indifference (mostly).

Unlike cheating husbands, who enter into adultery mainly, sorry, with their genitals, a woman gets into the triangle with her heart.

And, if the cheating husband does not stop sexual contact with his wife (although everyone feeds his mistresses with assurances “I haven’t slept with my wife for a long time!”), then the cheater feels that if she falls in love with her lover, she is already cheating on her Lover, and not on her husband, and avoids having sex with him contacts.

Despite the latency of such triangles, they are revealed brightly and enchantingly for all participants. I have already written about one such example.

For a woman who imagines infidelity as a “refuge” from a difficult relationship with her husband, I would definitely recommend not to risk it and leave her unloved husband.

Types and models of love triangle

Not all of these “figures” are the same. In psychology, it is customary to distinguish two types of such relationships:

Two people are in love with a third person and are trying to win his love. At the same time, the third may not have feelings for any of them.
One person is in love with a second, and that person, in turn, loves a third.

Both types are equally common. There are no statistical studies on this topic. There are also several love triangle models:

Husband, wife and lover. This is a classic triangle in which the wife’s goal is not to destroy the family. In most cases, she starts relationships on the side due to the fact that the relationship with her husband has cooled down, he has stopped paying attention to her and seeing a woman in his wife. A lover in such a situation is an outlet, a way to prove that she is still capable of pleasing men and increasing her self-esteem. For a lover, this situation is very beneficial: he receives pleasant intimate relationships without serious obligations and claims. The husband is not an enemy for him, since he does not see him as a competitor. There is no goal to take my wife away from the family.
Wife, husband and lover. A man starts such relationships for various reasons, but most often a relationship on the side appears due to the desire to receive new emotions. Most representatives of the stronger sex are polygamous, and they cannot be faithful to one woman for a long time. Also, the reason may be frequent quarrels in the family, and a mistress is a kind of “island” of peace and tranquility, where they love, appreciate and respect. In this triangle model, the mistress often intends to destroy her lover’s family, but according to statistics, only 20% of men decide to leave their wife. Most of them then come back.

To forgive or not to forgive betrayal?

Don't forgive

A couple who has cheated should talk. Without nerves and insults and accusations. Accept equal degrees of responsibility and guilt.

Evaluate your feelings and decide whether there is still love (mutual!) and whether it is worth living together further. Finally, admit it if you no longer have it. Realize that you are connected by anything: debt, children, business, but not by what should be the basis in a family - love.

What kind of relationship example do you set for the children for whom you “endure”? With your “happiness” you show them that this swamp is a “family”. Where dad walks and mom endures.

The good news is that you both have a chance to meet your love and a chance to find YOUR happiness! Let each other go in peace and part as friends (if you have children, this friendship will be useful to you).

Forgive

If you decide to give your relationship a second chance, go to negotiations, discuss complaints and grievances, and correct mistakes.

If possible, go on vacation together or stay in a hotel for 2-3 days. And most importantly, if you decide to move on together, then only on the condition that this does not happen again. And never think about betrayal! If it happens again, you will have to leave.

Shut your mouth!

Don't tell anyone anything! Make peace - it will be a shame that you forgave it. If you break up, it’s a shame that you were cheated on (everyone cheats on you, but you are not everyone...).

From the lover's side

The most unpleasant thing is that from the mistress’s side, all of the above is most likely not visible. Or it is visible, but very one-sided, from the words of a man who will justify himself in any case. It doesn’t matter whether she’s happy with a “threesome” relationship, or whether she’s sincerely in love, wants to be with him and expects him to get divorced - she, despite her desire and awareness, can be drawn into this triangle.

Of course, there are cases when all three participants (openly or secretly) are satisfied with this state of affairs. But usually in these situations everything is immediately clear, and no one manipulates, blackmails or accuses anyone of inaction.

What should wives do?

My only advice to women: take care of yourself. And then your husband will take care of you, or he will no longer be your husband). If she is interested in being alone with herself and she is happy, then he will be drawn to a developed and happy wife.

Fall in love with your husband! Again. If you loved him at all or he deserves it. Every person has something worth appreciating. (Or do you value only for money?! Then don’t play the victim and don’t suffer!).

The man reacts to the picture. Take it for granted. Once again, take care of yourself. Make yourself beautiful, attractive first of all for yourself! And then he will pay 100% attention to you and the reaction of other men.

Finally, go in for sports. Keep yourself busy. Read, find a hobby for yourself. You will have no time and no interest in keeping an eye on your husband. And he will get tense if he sees that you have interests other than him, children and home.

In addition, if you break up (he leaves for his mistress or you finally get tired of fighting for someone for whom you are not valuable enough to be the only one), you will have self-confidence and a source of existence.

Start seeing the virtues in your man and tell him about them. Praise your man. Build his self-esteem!

Option 2

The second scenario is even more disgusting. The family has a Persecutor husband and a Victim wife. And the husband, as a punishment and edification to his wife, takes a mistress. His message to his wife (usually not voiced out loud, but unconsciously) - if you don’t correct yourself and start behaving the way I need, I will leave for my mistress.

Abracadabra! The mistress has already become a Persecutor (she also threatens the family happiness of the Victim wife), and the husband has turned into a Rescuer who does his best to help his wife get rid of her mistress. Then, anyway, the mistress will have to be both the Victim, and the Rescuer, and again the Persecutor. You can't just stop playing this game.

The scenarios here are similar to those in the first paragraph, just with a slightly different emphasis:

For some reason, the wife (illness, child, general exhaustion, laziness - it doesn’t matter) neglected herself and her life. And the man takes a mistress. Only he no longer complains that it’s so hard for him, poor man. No, he motivates his action by the fact that his wife is to blame. Now, if she improves, starts looking good, puts the house in order, becomes an interesting conversationalist, and so on, then he won’t need other women. Well, while everything is like this, he is simply forced to be with someone else;
Both are constantly quarreling. But here the man already feels that he is right and must prove it to his wife. He goes and proves... with his mistress, yes.

What should men do?

Open your eyes and take care of your wife! Or someone else will take care of it...

If you are ready to forgive cheating, let your woman know that you value and respect her and that you can be romantic. Cherish it. For the rest, the wife herself will help you, doing everything to ensure that the memory of the betrayal remains a bad dream. If you want to have sex with your wife, you can discuss this option. But only according to the rules and be sure to listen to her. If the answer is “No”, don’t risk your feelings and future for the sake of fantasy.

What should lovers do?

Save yourself! Go away. Run without looking back! You are paying too much for these rare hours of happiness: time irrevocably wasted on waiting, youth and the opportunity to have children with your beloved husband, health due to nerves, sexual dissatisfaction, feelings of resentment towards the entire male world, and feelings of guilt before the female world...

Know that you can get out of your love triangle !

How to get out of a love triangle? Samoilov method

If the numerous, sad stories of others are not enough for you, and you console yourself with the thought that “it’s not the time yet,” then I suggest you set this time yourself: tell your loved one that you can’t stand it anymore, you want a family with him and... you will wait for him another 3 months.

No meetings. And if, after this period, he does not come with suitcases and a passport with a divorce mark (or a copy of the divorce petition from the court), then you consider yourself a free woman and open to relationships with other men.

Reasons for the emergence of non-standard relationships

As a result of a survey of married couples who experienced a love triangle, psychologists found that it is usually formed under the influence of such factors:

The mirage of sincere intimacy in relationships . If a partner is dissatisfied with the chosen one for some reason, then this provokes him to search for the missing feelings and impressions in the other person. At the same time, he continues to behave absolutely normally with his lover, without showing him any irritation or reproaches.
Complete mismatch of interests . The saying that “opposites attract” is only true at the very beginning of a relationship, but in reality, if people have nothing in common, they quickly tire of each other’s differences. As a consequence, attempts inevitably arise to fill the “spiritual vacuum” with the help of outside connections.
Lack of mutual respect . How long will a relationship last in which one of the participants constantly yells at the partner or perceives him as an inferior person? Psychologists are sure that they can last for an eternity if the person on whom anger is being vented in the current union finds himself a “vest for complaints,” that is, a person who is able to give him tenderness and love without unnecessary aggression.
The need to take revenge for an imaginary betrayal . If one of the tandem participants is jealous, then he is quite capable of revenge for the non-existent affair of the chosen one. What will it be expressed in? As a rule, in treason. That is, the one who was afraid of betrayal himself became a traitor. And at the same time the founder of a love triangle.
Lack of intimate variety in sexual life . Everything is simple here, one of the partners is looking for new sexual experiences in casual relationships on the side. Especially often, this reason provokes the emergence of a love triangle in couples who have lived together for a long time and have become fed up with each other in the bedroom.
Protest of a suppressed personality . In unions where a man or woman is a tyrant, the suppressed subject sooner or later has an irresistible desire to take “revenge”, avenging years of insults by betraying them with a person who will not bully or humiliate them.
Old age crisis . In men and women, it manifests itself in the form of a temptation to find a partner who will be much younger than themselves. Thus, they are trying to regain their lost youth and again feel their own attractiveness and sexuality.

The price of a love triangle | Yaroslav Samoilov