- April 17, 2019
- Psychology of Personality
- Natalia Balagurova
If your son doesn’t want to work, it’s not easy to get him to find a suitable place, and he’s unlikely to stay there for long. The only reliable option is to explain to the person what the advantages of the job are, what benefits the salary provides, and what can be gained from communicating with colleagues. It is not easy to cope with this task on your own; many modern people resort to the help of psychologists. Let's consider the general advice and recommendations that experts give regarding this difficult situation.
Relevance of the issue
For a long time, people have been thinking about the problems of work, the desire to work, and the availability of permanent employment. This topic attracts philosophers and psychologists, sociologists and marketing and management specialists. Philosophers are trying to find meaning in work, and managers are looking for approaches through which the productivity of subordinates can increase. Parents usually cannot formulate so clearly why it is important for them to understand why work is necessary and important for their children. People are usually simply surprised that a child does not want to work and receive legal remuneration for it. It would seem that if a child has grown up, finding a job for him is the most natural task; everyone copes with it sooner or later. What do you do if your son doesn’t want to work?
Sometimes the situation is completely awkward - the person is already an adult, even married, but still doesn’t want to get a job. Month after month, such people spend within four walls, do not care about relatives and material well-being, do not even think about what and how they will eat that evening. If such a man has a wife and children, the problem can take on catastrophic proportions. Psychologists help cope with it, but working with adults has its own difficulties and characteristics. Many people deliberately do not meet halfway with a specialist who is ready to help in overcoming their own laziness and internal prohibitions, problems and attitudes.
How to influence your son? Advice from psychologists
Any parent wants the best for their child, so you shouldn’t pretend that not working at your child’s age is normal. Even if you are happy that your son depends on you financially, this cannot always continue. Psychologists recommend using several effective methods.
Frank heart-to-heart conversation
Sit down next to your son and with a kind smile ask what your boy dreams of, what plans he has for the future. Perhaps there are some reasons why he cannot go to work now. During the conversation, do not raise your voice or reproach him, listen in silence.
Maybe your son needs understanding like never before.
Be stricter
There are situations when you need to be tough. If a young man does not work because he knows that his father and mother will always support him financially, prove him otherwise. Stop sponsoring all his desires and giving money for everything he wants. You have already spoiled your son, it’s time to fight his arrogance and laziness. Sooner or later, a boy must grow up and become a man who will stop causing trouble to his parents and will be able to take care of himself.
It's time to take off your rose-colored glasses
Perhaps the young man is simply used to getting everything without making any effort of his own. It’s time to explain to him that “you can’t catch a fish out of a pond without difficulty.” To achieve anything, you have to work.
Give examples from life
Discuss the careers of great people who managed to achieve what they wanted through their own work and perseverance.
Let the young man begin to be interested in someone other than himself. Let these be people from whom he wants to take an example. Motivate your son to achieve and win, let him not dwell on failures.
Motivate your son by giving examples from the lives of great people
Help with finding a job
Select from the list of vacancies those that you think would interest the young man. Don't insist on anything, let him look and maybe he will be attracted to something. Advise which position would be more suitable for him, but do not make the choice for him.
Causes and consequences
Very, very different people are complaining that their son doesn’t want to work, but if you compare their children who are causing concern, then even in the appearance of the men you can easily detect common features. According to experts, those representatives of society who refuse to work and do not want to do it look very similar to each other. They spend their days on the couch or playing games, sleeping for many hours and doing a million small insignificant things that they personally consider vital. In a word, such persons do everything in their power to avoid the fate of a working person. Some invent excuses for themselves, others openly indicate their reluctance to work without any reason for this.
The external similarity of people who avoid permanent work gives many the impression of a unified cause. It seems as if the root of the problem is the same, which means there is one universal recipe that will help fix everyone at once. In reality, there are quite a few reasons, and each person can struggle with his own individual set of such factors. They are all different and require different approaches to solution. Don't expect there to be some universal answer that will satisfy everyone equally.
Symptom of the problem
If your son doesn’t want to work, you need to take a closer look at the person. To some extent, this reluctance can be compared to a skin rash - without a detailed analysis of the situation, it is impossible to understand where the trouble came from. However, according to psychologists, any adult is lazy by nature; this is completely normal and cannot be condemned. Only a child loves to run and jump, because he is full of strength and energy, and often has nowhere to spend it. Over the years, energy reserves dry up, and a person is forced to make efforts not to stop developing. At the same time, the application of such effort provokes suffering for many. It is more difficult for those who, in childhood and adolescence, did not learn to find pleasure in work. The “carrot and stick” education strategy has long been known, but nature also provokes a person to develop according to the same scenario. The role of the carrot in this case is taken on by the joy and pleasure that an individual experiences upon achieving something. But what to do if a person is not used to appreciating such a carrot, if it does not motivate her at all?
If the son does not work, perhaps he has very few demands in life. For some, the root cause is an attitude that emerged at an early age: everything should appear on its own, without effort, and there is no need to pay for anything. Both strategies limit the person and do not allow her to fully develop. Parents who in childhood provide their child with everything they want, although they bring joy to the child, create a feeling of love and care, but at the same time they do a disservice by creating a negative pattern for the future. At first, adults do not demand anything from the child, but as he grows up, they are surprised at the son’s lack of desires, aspirations and willingness to make efforts to realize them.
If a young man has gone astray
People who cannot settle in life often try to find solace in alcohol. Sometimes this method of escaping reality ends in addiction, which is very difficult to cope with. What to do if your son starts drinking:
- Psychotherapy. A specialist will help the young man understand himself and get rid of problems. This is the most correct way in the current situation.
- Army. Probably, strict discipline will help the guy get on the right path.
- Be there for you , no matter how difficult it may be for you. A dependent person cannot cope without the support of his family and friends.
Supporting your own child at any age is the responsibility of loving parents
. Of course, excessive guardianship can interfere with the normal socialization of the individual. But no matter what happens, do not despair and always try to support your child, even if he is already an adult.
More tips on the topic in the video:
Are you sure or not?
Parents who, at a loss, cannot find an answer to the question of what to do if their son does not want to work, often turn to a psychologist for help, who is ready to suggest looking for the problem in the peculiarities of the person’s personal awareness. On average, every fifth person on our planet has what is called in psychology an anal vector. Such people can become impeccable professionals in their chosen field, but they lack self-confidence. They often have a fear of starting something new, of exploring a previously unknown area. Such fear prevents the beginning, and as a result, a person cannot develop in principle. Visually, it is similar to a mother hen that does not want to move away from its nest. At any time of the day he can be found on his favorite sofa, repeating his usual actions. Often a person becomes a real master at what he does, but this activity turns out to be completely useless and unnecessary, for example, playing solitaire. By the way, the best masters in solving crossword puzzles are just such individuals.
A person who is unsure of his abilities constantly pretends to be a busy person. If you ask him to do something important, he will immediately find reasons to postpone the action until a later date, and then he will happily forget about the request. By refusing and postponing important events for hours, days and years, people remain in their usual place - and so they cannot find work. It is difficult for the average person to motivate such an insecure person, because neither reproaches nor shouting work. To provoke a person to take active action, he should be persuaded to undergo a course of psychotherapeutic analysis to determine the root cause of his lack of self-confidence. Only after realizing why a person puts everything off can you begin to fight the source.
Primary cause - why a person does not want to work
If you started looking for the answer to this question on the Internet, then most likely you have such a person next to you. Be it: your employees, husband, wife or just a friend. To try to change something, it is necessary to understand the root cause of the reluctance to work.
Such a “doomed” loved one is heavy ballast for many. In the case of a manager - a decline in business profitability, in a family stream - general degradation and a sure path to the collapse of the union.
Let's stop stating facts and move on to answering questions. So, what can rule a person who stubbornly does not want to work?
Lack of motivation
This is the main and only reason that gives rise to a tangle of troubles. Lack of motivation can be short-term or permanent.
Of course, a short period is short for that reason - it passes quickly, a person independently motivates himself, arousing the desire to work and achieve a goal.
It is much worse when the absence of anything motivating accompanies a person throughout his life. Like a snowball, this problem accumulates more and more, piling one on top of the other.
As an example, we can talk about the woman Mary.
Even in her young years, she did not know what she wanted to work with. Moreover, she was not interested in any activities and had no hobbies. Maria did not want to do anything in order to gain any interests. Her husband, who met her on the way, had a similar attitude to life.
Years passed, and Maria continued to work in a nearby store for the amount of money needed for food. She had no desire to go on a trip or redesign her apartment. All she did was essentially work on the stomach.
This lifestyle brought about other changes. Maria began to gain weight, feel unwell, and “neglect” her relationship with her husband. Over time, the changes that arose with a primary lack of motivation began to drag Maria down even more. She didn't want anything. “Where will I go on vacation if I’m fat?” “Why should I earn more if I have enough money?” Why should I try if everything is fine as it is?”
Do you get the idea? Lack of motivation for you or your loved one for a long time provokes a number of problems that affect his work. Why should a person try and work if he does not have a goal and a global cause for the sake of which he “does” it?
Laziness
As mentioned earlier, when considering the question: why people don’t want to work, there is a main reason and secondary ones.
Laziness is a less global reason for the lack of desire to work. It is much easier to fix, unlike the first point of our article.
However, this psychological element present in a person’s life will always “stop” him, reducing the quality of work, and, of course, the level of income.
Fear
Yes, yes, it also happens that a person who does not want to get a job is simply afraid of messing up there. Of course, any adult, sane person will understand that without starting to do something, you can “sit on your butt” all your life. However, this reason is probable and quite possible in modern realities.
By the way, open data, which is so relevant at the moment, becomes aggravating circumstances. The successes of others, displayed on social networks and websites, can only exacerbate the fear of starting something new and, as a result, taking on any work.
Apathy, fatigue
A possible reason why a person does not want to work may be his physical condition. Unfortunately, in most regions of Russia, this criterion can play almost the main role.
Poor ecology, little sunlight, lack of sea, unhealthful products. Of course, the appearance of apathy and fatigue in physical indicators can lead to a complete lack of motivation.
But does it make sense?
In a variety of situations, people ask a psychologist for advice. The son does not want to work, some say, because he explains this by the meaninglessness of the process. It is not easy to argue with such conclusions, especially for an ordinary person who is far from the existential questions of existence. As experts rightly agree with people who do not want to work, life is indeed full of difficulties, it requires making efforts, for which there follows a reward, which a person can evaluate as inadequately small in comparison with the efforts expended.
This format of the problem is usually called the sound vector of depression. Often a person is not aware of their depressed state. Feeling his actions devoid of meaning, the person finds himself in a dead-end state of absence of any desires. The awareness is quite painful, so a person tries to hide from it in small things. It is common for such people to get lost in imaginary worlds.
What to do?
An adult tends to be lazy - this is completely normal. This would not even cause condemnation and bewilderment if it were possible to live in laziness without suffering from everyday inconveniences. However, our life is such that only those who are able to develop and try can provide themselves with warmth, food and shelter - in many ways, it is for this reason that a person is born, as some philosophers believe. Life forces even those who do not want to develop to develop, unless such a person endures more suffering than other people.
To help such a person, parents should think about why their son does not want to work. Advice from psychologists will also come in handy. Experts say: there are two options for getting out of the situation. You can take a step forward on your own, you can continue to be a sufferer. The first option is better and comes with additional preferences in the form of public respect and material well-being, but for successful implementation you need to choose the right workplace. A psychologist specializing in a person’s career realization will come to the rescue. Such a professional will first determine what exactly is preventing a person from living actively, conduct a course of psychotherapy, and then help him find a suitable place.
On my own
Sometimes parents don’t even think about what to do in this situation if their son doesn’t want to work. Of course, it is common to think that the normal development of the scenario is when a child “flies out of his native nest”, sets up his own home, and finds a suitable place for himself. If this does not happen, some people worry, while others consider it normal and put up with the fact that their child is different from the majority. The second option, according to psychologists, is incorrect, because a person cannot live under the wing of his parents until his death. It is necessary to teach the child responsibility, independence, and the ability to take responsibility for his actions. Infantilism has become more common in recent years, and is often explained by fear of making a decision. People are simply afraid of responsibility, intimidated by failures in the past.
If an adult son does not want to work, perhaps the reason lies in the immaturity of the person - both in emotional aspects and in terms of awareness of his place in society. Infantilism and inability to take responsibility are common, and very often this is characteristic of those whose demands are quite low. Such people do not see the need for expensive items or accessories; they eat simple food and use public transport, and live in a small room. If the demands are small, a person will not strive for decent earnings. Only by experiencing limitations and having the motivation to overcome them does a person develop. If all needs are satisfied, there is simply no reason to work. If elders provide for their child, regardless of his age, no desire for independence will arise until some need is formed that cannot be satisfied. In order not to encounter such a situation, you need to carefully raise your child, not spoil him beyond measure, and not fulfill the child’s whims, especially as he grows older.
Question of the Day: What should I do if my parents force me to find a summer job, but I want to rest?
Answer: I understand you perfectly. Summer, sunshine, you can walk in the parks, ride bikes, go to open air events, hang out with friends at their dacha. And instead, you are forced every day to hunch over in some cafe, store or hand out leaflets?! “Well, nooooo,” you think and proudly declare that you don’t want to work yet and in general, you are a helpless creature who needs to be loved and cared for. Sounds like the words of a real lazy person! Yes, I understand you, on the one hand. After all, school and college will end, and with them the summer holidays. FOREVER! But, on the other hand, I understand your parents too. Tell me, who goes to work every day and stays there for 9 hours, or even more, who washes and irons your clothes, who cooks your food, pays for utilities, and so on and so on and so on? You've probably heard from your parents many times that it's time to start learning to be independent and slowly grow up. In any case, this is inevitable. You can't sit on your parents' neck forever. Yes, you won’t be able to lie around all day and spit at the ceiling, but summer part-time work also has its advantages:
- You will meet new interesting people. Perhaps even a nice guy. And what? Many schoolchildren and students work in the summer - you will discuss together how your boss annoys you and how you would like to leave early and go for a walk around the city at night.
- You will be able to buy what you have wanted for a long time with your own money! You can't imagine how nice it is! She earned it herself, smart girl.
- You will finally be able to understand your parents better. And this is definitely a plus. After all, you simply weren’t in their shoes and didn’t realize how difficult it is to make money. How offensive it is to receive reprimands from your boss when something doesn’t work out for you. And you’ll understand how quickly this money runs out when you have to choose between going on a quest and a new dress.
- You can try yourself in different areas and understand what is interesting to you and what is not. Of course, getting a cool job without higher education and work experience is very problematic. But you can get an internship: in a magazine, PR agency, and so on. Yes, they won’t pay money for it, but I don’t think your earnings are the main goal. Parents just want to teach you independence, they want you to get busy. And an internship is very useful, especially if you plan to go to university next year. At Elle Girl, for example, we also have schoolgirls who dream of becoming journalists interning.
If all this “working for your uncle” is not for you and you run your own VKontakte group, promote Instagram or make vlogs, prove to your parents that this is not some kind of bullshit, but an opportunity to make real money. So don’t be lazy and develop your page/group/profile, think about the content, plan and... get paid for it! Believe me, many parents are skeptical about such things. Your task is to shake their beliefs at least a little with real evidence of your success.
Well, as for growing up and independence, read our article “12 rules from the world of adults” and be a grown-up girl! There are many difficulties ahead of you - get ready.
What I can?
If an adult son does not want to work, this may be due to a feeling of helplessness. When by a certain age a person does not feel like an adult, no one from the outside can help him. If a person does not have the strength to do something new, to further change his personality, he suffers from uncertainty. This makes the situation even worse. Uncertainty is followed by other problems and difficulties.
For some, however, failures with work and the inability to force themselves to find one are due to shyness. Numerous fears that trouble a person do not allow him to start something new. People exposed to such experiences suffer inside and need advice and guidance from those more experienced. If a person does not want to fight problems just because of shyness, by realizing the reason, you can overcome it. If you fail to start doing this in time, the situation will worsen over time.
The best way to combat infantilism is to prevent the appearance of such a trait. If it was not possible to prevent the situation, you need to fight it as early as you can start. A person who fails to overcome difficulties in time will retreat in the face of difficult situations in the future. It is the parents of such people who most often turn to professionals for help, because their adult son does not want to work. The psychologist’s advice is to communicate more with the child, talk, provoke dialogue, so that he shares his experiences. Parents should gently explain to their growing child why it is important to be independent. Reproaches will not help - the son needs practical advice that can be applied in practice.
An adult son does not want to work - what to do?
Reader question: Hello, I have a problem with which I have already tried everything possible. All the advice from friends and so on, but nothing works. My son, he is 24, finished his studies two years ago. And since then I haven’t found a job. He has a serious specialty - he is a lawyer, deals with copyrights. But suddenly, towards the end of the institute (he was already working part-time), he said that he realized that this was not for him. And he will look for something else to do. But two years have already passed, and he is still “looking.” At the same time, he had very good offers for work in his specialty, and he prefers either to work as a bartender or to earn extra money as a musician (he plays the drums)... I’m worried that he is now will finally miss his chance for a good life... What to do? Elena, 55 years old
Psychologist's answer:
answers Christian psychologist - consultant Lazarev Maxim Anatolyevich
Hello, dear Elena! I can only imagine how difficult it is for you right now. The son whom you raised for almost a quarter of a century, raised, tried to give a good education, suddenly says that he does not want to do what he planned, despite the prestige of the profession. And he has every opportunity to become the good lawyer he trained to be. You feel like you’re at a dead end - not a single piece of advice works, you’ve already tried everything you can.
Two years ago your son’s adult life began. But it is still in “test” mode - he has no family, no children, and he is responsible only for himself. He has the time and opportunity to try, test himself, and understand what his calling is. Your son graduated from college and decided to “either work as a bartender or earn extra money as a musician...” rather than work in the legal field. And he graduated from college, and didn’t drop out in his final year, as often happens. This is largely a compliment to you as a parent: your son not only completes what he starts, but is also capable of making responsible decisions.
Let me clarify: it’s not that your son “doesn’t want to work”, he doesn’t want to work as a lawyer - after all, he still works and earns money, and the work of a bartender is not easy! In addition, he plays music and manages to earn money from this too. I can assume that music is what he really loves and is trying to somehow realize himself in this area. If your son really didn’t want to work, the short answer could be this: stop supporting him, put a certain distance between each other, because he should be an independent young man. But your son works, although you don’t like his chosen field, and is looking for something else. You have a fear that he will miss his last chance at a good life, but who is the good life for? What exactly do you want for your son - for him to earn decent money, have a prestigious profession, respect from those around him? Perhaps a good life for him means (not forgetting his daily bread) to look for his calling and realize himself in it.
If you really want to figure out what’s going on and why he didn’t want to work in his specialty, talk to him about it! Talk about your thoughts and experiences and try to hear his answer.
Ask your son about his current interests and professional aspirations and listen carefully. Just listen, silently, without talking about whether it is right or wrong. Ask clarifying questions: what is good in his activities, what is bad, what does he like most, what is missing, why does he think about it, what exactly is his interest, how keen is his interest? Such questions will help you understand him, and can put your son in an analytical mood - what if he really wants to return to legal activity. Despite the fact that children are our everything, our world, one of the main tasks of a parent is to make yesterday’s child capable of responsible choice by independent adults. And that’s it, then the life of this person begins. A life in which there are and will be mistakes, ups and downs. Of course, sometimes you want to lay down straw, and even cover the path with pink petals. But then this is no longer the life of your son, but the one that is imposed on him.
Issues of excessive attachment of parents to children or children to parents are the direct competence and daily work of a psychologist. If you are concerned about this problem and feel that you are not always able to resolve it completely, then the best option is to seek help from a professional.
An archive of all questions can be found here. If you do not find the question you are interested in, you can always ask it on our website.
What I need?
If an adult son does not want to work, experienced psychologists can tell him what to do after talking with the person. For some, the reason is an unsuccessful search for themselves, defining their goals and aspirations. More often, people experience such a period in adolescence, youth, but not everyone experiences this according to a pattern and strictly on time. When a person identifies a need to do something, he strives to free himself from his parents and gain independence. If he fails to find something of his own, the boy grows up quite amorphous, lives with his parents, shows no interest in life, and does not want to work.
In some cases, the reason for everything is the need to find a suitable type of creativity or an activity that will interest him. It also happens: a man knows what his abilities are, what interests him, but does not see ways to realize it. Remembering previous failures, such a man continues to remain in one place, justifying himself with bad luck.
The fear of being in an uncomfortable situation is a common fear among children, which some remain with for many years. Usually they are unusual for adults, but in case of lack of independence they accompany every step. Just the advice of a psychologist will not help in such a situation. If a 30-year-old son does not want to work, you need to take him to an appointment with a specialist so that he can help in conversations (probably many of them will be required) to identify what exactly does not allow the person to find and realize himself. Only concrete actions, decisive steps will help change the situation.
Can parents force you to work?
To get an answer to the question: “Can parents force their child to work?”, it is enough to turn to the Constitution of the Russian Federation and the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. What does the law say about this?
Article 37 of the Constitution states that labor in our country is free. Any person can use their capabilities, choose an occupation or profession at will. No one can force him to do work that he does not want. The same position is contained in Article 4 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation.
Based on the above, it follows that no person can force someone to do the work. Parents are no exception. Thus, if a child (14-16 years old) does not yet want to work, the parent cannot force him to do so .
It’s another matter if the young citizen himself decided to earn extra money. Under 16 years of age, permission from adults (mother, father or guardians) and guardianship authorities is required. In addition, labor legislation provides for a number of benefits related to the work of adolescents.
All according to plan
In special publications you can find many recommendations from psychologists related to motivation and work with older children - all this information can become valuable advice. The son does not want to work - a problem that many parents face, and in a certain percentage of cases this is due to the difficulty of planning adult life. Sometimes, growing up, a person never acquires the simplest skills of independence. He does not learn to do useful things, cannot and does not try to provide for himself. No matter how strict the parents are, they cannot throw their child out into the street, so it is simply impossible to force the child to become ordinary. The reason for this behavior is the inability to plan one’s actions. If a mature child has not developed the habit of keeping track of his affairs and monitoring their implementation, he becomes weak-willed, helpless, and cannot exist in society.
To cope with such a situation, you should listen to the advice of a psychologist who is ready to tell you what to do. An adult son does not want to work - yes, this problem occurs in many people, but this does not mean that you can close your eyes to it and indulge your child in every possible way. If parents behave this way, they will have to endure their offspring around their necks for the rest of their lives. Instead, it is necessary to conduct a series of educational conversations in order to determine why the son, who has become a man, has not mastered the ability to plan his affairs and control what is happening in life. Parents should help their child reach a new level in this regard. If you do not show vigilance and attentiveness, soon the child will not only be completely dependent on his elders, but will also begin to get involved in bad habits, which only get stronger from year to year.
What to do if mom doesn't want to work?
In general, the situation is this: my mother recently turned 42 years old. It can be said that she has no education; she studied at a vocational school to become a laboratory chemist, which was not at all according to her interests. Those. Now she not only doesn’t remember anything in this specialty, but it seems she didn’t work either. A year at most. She doesn't like her. In her youth, before her marriage, she worked for several years as a social worker, then got married. After marriage she did not work because... my grandfather helped financially, and it seemed to be enough to live on. It's been...uh...20 years. During this time she did not work even once. At first she raised me. And about 4 years ago, my grandmother, grandfather (on her side) and a year later my grandmother (on my father’s side) died, i.e. there was no support, incl. material. Due to back problems and the same level of education, my dad cannot find anything better than working as a construction worker as a laborer. He has been working there for many years and doesn’t want to change anything; he earns about 15 thousand, which is very little for a family of 3 people. We sold the apartment of our deceased grandparents and we can say we’ve been living on this money for several years. But they tend to end, there is almost nothing left. As for mom going to work, that’s just a sore subject. From the outside it looks very stupid - every time she has new excuses - she’s treating her teeth, then she’s treating something else, then her legs hurt, then she’s sick, then it’s cold, then it’s hot, then there’s nothing good. Yes, I agree, her health is not excellent, but nothing prevents her from finding a sedentary job, not difficult, in order to bring at least some income to the family. I am a full-time full-time student at a university, I entered on a budget, I receive a scholarship, I constantly do homework, and on weekends, if possible, I work as a promoter. To my hints that the family does not have enough money to live on, but there are enough expenses, she agrees and blames dad for everything, that he earns little and does not find a second job. She has been sitting at home all day for so many years. When I come home, she always sits with her classmates, watches different diets and plays the stupidest kindergarten online games. She had 2 attempts to get a job - she suddenly wanted to become a security guard, but without understanding or listening to us (that it’s not just standing there and getting paid), it only lasted 1 working day, after which she immediately quit. I don’t know what to do with this, I tried to find her something, but she has a defensive reaction to everything - oh, I don’t want this, I don’t want a penny here, this is far away. I understand that she is lazy, she once said this herself when she was crazy. But at the same time, my mother constantly continues to complain about life, about how poorly we live, how there is not enough money, what rich assholes everyone around is, etc.. What can be done in this situation? To forget and not spoil your nerves, like my dad does? ..
What to do if you don’t want to work at all? (2 answers)
How to start?
If the son does not work anywhere and does not want to do this in principle, it is unlikely that he will be forced to do so, and even if he succeeds, he will not be able to hold out in his chosen place for long and will be unhappy. An integral person has every right to manage his life based on his own wishes and discretion. If you try to forcefully influence a child, he will resist, get angry, and protest. However, parents who want to change the situation for the better must choose a line of behavior and strictly adhere to it, despite the dissatisfaction of the offspring, otherwise everything will return to the same way.
The hardest thing for many is starting a conversation. People often simply do not understand how to approach the issue. Psychologists recommend raising the topic of the future. The task of the older generation is to force the child to share dreams, plans, thoughts about the future life. There is no need to start with accusations - it is important to listen to the child and give him the opportunity to explain his position. If a child tries to hide something, it will become noticeable. If you help him plan the future, it will be easier for generations to establish mutually beneficial contact. If previous quarrels have become an insurmountable obstacle and the son does not want to speak frankly, you need to seek help from a psychologist.
Parents do not want to work and demand to support them.
I grew up in a large family. I have three sisters and three brothers. Our parents and grandmother live with us. I’m ashamed to write here, but I don’t see any other way out yet.
I still have young parents. They are a little over forty years old. Mom was on maternity leave all her life, and dad worked. Six years ago he became very ill and had to stay home. Then my mother started working in the fields to earn money. At that moment I had already entered and studied in another city. My parents didn't ask me for anything. But my two sisters never finished school. They helped mom and dad all this time immediately after finishing tenth grade. Their parents promised them that they would help them go to college when they had money.
But four years have passed and they are not keeping their promises. Moreover, they are trying to get my sisters married as quickly as possible. At one time, I disobeyed my parents and entered the state education system. The stipend was not always enough; my sisters often helped me. Then I promised myself that I would definitely help them in due time.
And recently I entered a master’s program abroad. Thanks to my diligent study, I received a grant. But the plane ticket had to be purchased at your own expense. When the parents found out about this, they caused a scandal. Mom and dad forbade me to go abroad. They used my sisters as an example, who help the family. But I don’t have to think about my whole family. Nobody asked my parents to have so many children if they could not provide for them properly.
I think parents should provide for their children until they graduate. Yes, I love my brothers and sisters very much, but I don’t understand why I should sacrifice my dreams for them. After all, there is some kind of limit. Our parents don't work anywhere. They say that their health does not allow them. But they have the health to quarrel, go to weddings and mind their own business...
Why should I pay off other people's debts? My uncle always helps his parents and gets all his nephews ready for school. When he found out that I was admitted, he bought me a ticket himself. I was ashamed, but I accepted such a valuable gift for me.
Now I give half of the scholarship to my parents. My sisters also help. We consulted and decided to close this shop. Then my relatives were indignant and said that they would have nothing to eat. I made a decision and told my family that I myself would raise money for my sisters’ studies and to help my brothers. They were very indignant and angry. However, I don’t understand why I have to pull this cart at twenty-one. No one has ever helped me financially. I achieved everything myself.
So why should I give away what I honestly earned through hard work? After all, my parents are not old, they can still work... But my conscience is eating me up! Did I do the right thing... Tell me, what would you do..?
Decision is made
Dedicated to the fact that the son does not want to work, scandals are a fairly typical occurrence in families with such trouble. One option to solve the problem is to limit the content. Not every parent has the opportunity and resources to contact a psychologist, not everyone has the time to study special articles and books, so people take the simplest route - they limit the funding of their child, thereby stimulating him to take some active actions. Wanting to eat deliciously and pay for his entertainment, even if his son at 23 does not want to work, he is still forced to look for some place.
A correctly made decision is where independent life begins. If a son at the age of 18 does not want to work, and his parents take extreme measures and limit his support, the child will probably become angry. It is quite possible that the child will be offended, and unpleasant, conflicting scenes will begin at home. After several years, when the son understands the benefits and benefits for himself personally, he will probably apologize and thank him. Psychologists point out that this will not happen soon, there is no point in rushing things. The sooner awareness comes, the better, but it all depends on the individual. If a son at the age of 21 does not want to work, perhaps his resentment for the rigid line of behavior of his parents will pass only by the age of thirty, but the result is worth it. The most important thing is to correctly explain to the child what provokes parents to such actions. By conveying their position to the child tactfully, in detail, clearly, without reproaches or accusations, the elders will thereby simplify life for themselves and their offspring.
Summing up
When finding out why their son does not want to work, parents should be both strict and attentive. It must be remembered that most often the reason is that the child gets everything he needs from his elders, so he simply has no motivation. In such a situation, drastic measures are necessary. But if the reason is shyness, uncertainty or fear, a more thorough and gentle approach is required. It is better to use the help of a professional, but if this is not possible, you should spend a lot of time communicating with your child in order to help him overcome difficulties. One of the basic rules is to avoid reproaches and accusations, otherwise it will be very difficult to improve relations with your son.
I'm tired of supporting parents who don't want to work
I am 30 years old. Married, has a beautiful child. My problem is that I have two families: my parents, brothers and my husband’s family.
When I was a schoolgirl, I worked part-time and helped my parents. After finishing school, I entered college on my own, and it turned out that I got involved with a girl who had cool parents, and I started playing truant with her, so I lost my scholarship and free education. Afterwards I went to work, I was 18 years old at that time.
She started working at the market, selling clothes. She worked tirelessly in both cold and hot weather. She helped her parents almost and gave them all the money she earned. Two years later I was offered a job in an office, I went to work with pleasure, although I knew that without education I was nothing. I was thinking about how I could enroll again and finish college. But after 2 years I was offered a job in a foreign company, the salary was already better and after a probationary period I decided to go to university and get reinstated in a paid department.
I worked and studied, and also supported my parents; my father sometimes had odd jobs. Over the years it was very difficult, since I could not afford to dress well (I dressed second-hand), I saved everything, and walked. I met a very nice man and fell in love. On the third date, he said that he did not want to associate his life with the poor, that he deserved a girl from a good family. He said that he would like to see an elegant girl next to him. And so I began to feel complex about everything because of my house, how it looks, how my parents live.
Time passed, but nothing changed, I dragged everything into the house. Here I met a man who is many years older than me. He did not make any comments to me about how poorly I was dressed. He invited me to the cinema and to the cafe. I finished my studies and thought that now everything would be much better for me. But I lost my job and couldn’t find another one for a long time. There were part-time jobs, but I still got a job in my profession, but I still dragged everyone in the house. This man proposed, I refused, because I thought it was too early to get married. I expected my parents to go to work and want a better life. I didn't wait.
I married this man and gave birth. When my child turned one year old, I went to work because I was worried about my parents. It’s been 10 years since I’ve been dragging everyone along. My husband is currently unemployed. I help both him and my loved ones. But no one appreciates this. I'm tired both physically and mentally. Why don't my parents want to work to live better? I don't understand them. After me there is a brother and sister who also do not work. Why don’t they want to understand me that I also have a family and I have a child. How to influence them? I can’t provide for everyone all my life. Every time I say, I won’t help and maybe then they will start doing something. My heart bleeds because these are parents, how can I not help them. Please advise what can be done since they are only 50 years old.
Author: Zhanar
