There is no feeling of love for the guy. Uncertainty. Negative past experiences.

October 21, 2018
Psychology of Personality
Lyudmila Antonova

Understanding your own feelings is quite a difficult task. Those who understand themselves and live in harmony with their inner world are usually happy and successful. But unfortunately, more and more often we hear the question of how to understand yourself and your feelings for a certain person.

The main thing is to understand yourself

Before you try to understand how you feel about a person, you need to understand yourself very well. Understanding your emotions and feelings is a very difficult task. For yourself, you are the most important person, and your attitude towards others depends on how you feel and experience. If you do not feel peace and love for yourself, then you cannot talk about loving another person. It will take some time to figure out how to understand yourself. The main thing is that you need to listen carefully to your inner experiences.

Types of internal conflicts

Experts identify the most common types of internal problems, by analyzing which you can understand how to understand yourself and your feelings:

Frustration. This concept includes strong internal experiences that arise as a result of failures to overcome both real and imaginary obstacles to the goal. This condition may be accompanied by anger, guilt or resentment.
Intrapersonal conflict. It occurs when there is a conflict of interests, desires or values within a person. Mental experiences can be quite strong.
Psychological trauma involves damage to the psyche as a result of very difficult experiences. They can be caused by various factors: illness, death of a loved one, divorce, stress, conflicts and others. As a result of psychological trauma, a person’s thinking, perception and behavior are disrupted.
Neurotic reactions. They can manifest themselves in the form of fears, anxiety or worry and arise as a result of difficult life situations.
Problems coming from childhood: parental prohibition on joy, suppressed emotions, anger, sexuality, complexes and destructive attitudes.
Loss of meaning in life. When a person cannot find his place in life and does not feel needed, an existential vacuum forms inside him.
Conflicts with other people. Quarrels and misunderstandings in the family, at work and with others can cause various mental disorders.
Crisis stages in life. Such periods are the norm, so a person must be prepared for them.
Disharmony. If a person cannot perceive himself as a whole and his personal facets are in constant imbalance, psychological problems and disorders arise.

Whatever reason a person has, it will in any case prevent him from achieving his goals. Not achieving the desired results, people begin to convince themselves that the desired object is not so necessary for them, and they can live quite well without it. But in my heart I still dream about him even more. This causes discomfort, worry and negativity. To find peace of mind, the psychological problem must be acknowledged and resolved.

Introspection

It helps to find the answer to the question of how to understand your emotions and feelings by analyzing your inner world. To do this, you need to look inside yourself and look for answers to the questions that interest you. You should understand what place you occupy in this life, whether you are satisfied with the current situation, and what you would like to change. This should be a serious conversation with your own self. You should answer questions honestly and sincerely, because if you deceive, you will only make things worse for yourself.

Only after fully understanding your own feelings can you try to understand how you feel about another person.

How to learn to show your feelings?

Hello, Anastasia!

The problem you described really complicates the possibility of building normal relationships, not only in your personal life, but also in the social environment.

And you absolutely correctly described the fears that may be one of the causes of this problem - the fear of becoming dependent on a partner, the fear of seeming intrusive in a relationship.

As you hopefully understand, these fears could not have appeared out of nowhere. There have probably been situations in your life when you felt dependent and received a confirming reaction to your fears that this might create problems in being loved and valued. Try to independently analyze what and when in your life gave you reason to consider activity in relationships with other people, most likely with your family or friends, as an inappropriate way of interaction, causing displeasure or aggression on the part of these people. It is possible that your wishes as a child were not heard by your family or were categorically rejected as unworthy of consideration and consideration, and perhaps you were even punished for expressing them. Or maybe there were cases when, for your independent actions or your emotions, you received prohibiting or punitive reactions in response. Children very quickly learn the “rules” of adult love: you will behave well, you will not be punished; you will be an obedient girl and do what you are told, and they will love you = they will not punish you; you will speak when asked; keep your head down - you won’t get it, etc.

Perhaps something similar happened in your childhood and therefore you unconsciously avoid showing emotions and activity in all your relationships.

To be able to build harmonious relationships, you need to understand your usual ways of building relationships, establish the reasons that contributed to their emergence and allow yourself to use other defense mechanisms that would not lead to such situations.

The fear of becoming dependent on another is directly related to violations of basic trust in the world in general and in other people in particular. It would be good to establish what exactly caused such a violation and try to deal with it, allow trust in others into your life and allow yourself to open up to others. After all, relationships between people require this trust and are based on respect for the partner, which also directly depends on trust.

You are young, and you are already receiving signals of disruption in your relationship. It is very good that you have thought about their reasons, because this is the first step towards changes in your life. Now just don’t stop, but continue to move towards your desires, which, like emotions, are prohibited. Despite the fact that working on yourself is associated with certain difficulties and costs, it is the most rewarding work in the world, because its goal is to create your living space that would maximally satisfy your needs for love, understanding, self-respect and reflecting this in the eyes of loved ones You people. Therefore, consider contacting a specialist to partner in this work to achieve success faster, using the professional tools of psychologists or psychotherapists for this.

The fact that you are capable of change also indicates that your trust was able to break through your internal prohibitions in your long-term relationship. It’s just that not everyone is ready to wait that long, so you, on your part, will also have to prepare for this. So, let's go!

Best regards, Elena Gladkova

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Why is there a need to understand your own feelings?

Very often, young people confuse their emotions and feelings for a person, perceiving them completely differently from what they really are. This can lead to false love. Sometimes such unnecessary relationships end quite painlessly. After a few months, both realize that they are not suitable for each other.

There are also situations when awareness comes to us after several years of marriage, when we already have children together. In this case the situation is much worse. In order to avoid such unpleasant moments in your life, you need to understand as early as possible how you feel towards the other person.

Why can a wife stop loving her husband?

Romantic feelings for a partner rarely end overnight. Most often, love fades due to a lack of trust, attention and sparkle in the relationship. By ceasing to compliment their partner, keeping silent about grievances, and not spending weekends together, people bring the collapse of the union closer. A husband should not be just a roommate - this is the man whom you once considered the best in the world and whom you yearned for every minute. This should not be forgotten even after 10 years of marriage.

Sometimes events happen in a relationship after which everything changes. Cheating, betrayal, alcoholism - these things turn the idea of a husband upside down. If a spouse becomes dependent on alcohol or commits an act that cannot be forgiven, it will be impossible to return the relationship to its previous level.

It also happens that the newlyweds were too hasty in their decision to get married, or it was a “marriage by accident.” In this case, there may have been no feelings initially, and a fleeting infatuation was mistaken for love.

The reason is my husband

A husband who constantly criticizes you, rarely gives you gifts and spends his evenings at the computer will sooner or later begin to cause irritation. But you shouldn’t immediately attack him with accusations. Think about it, aren't you doing the same? When was the last time you treated your spouse to a romantic dinner?

Often men, especially if they need to provide for two or more children, work “exhaustively.” After a hard day at work, it is difficult for them to find the strength to flirt and tender words. And if the wife greets you with reproaches and talking about her problems, she should forget about affection.

It happens that the husband himself feels cooling towards his wife. There are many reasons: tiredness of each other, quarrels, lack of common interests, love on the side. To save such a relationship, partners need to discuss the situation and, if they mutually desire, together look for ways to return old feelings.

The reason is my wife

The reasons for the weakening of love may also lie in the wife. This:

changes in worldview, rethinking of the value system;
fatigue from family life;
interest in another man;
difficult relationship with the spouse's parents;
lack of support and mutual understanding.

Periods of weakening feelings for a partner are familiar to any woman who has been married for a long time. Psychologists note that there is nothing unusual in such “coldness”. Often, doubts are replaced by an even greater flash of love. Even if you pay attention to another man, after some time disappointment in the new chosen one may set in, and after this you will again feel a surge of feelings for your spouse.

How to understand your feelings for a person?

There are moments in each of our lives when our hearts are filled with emotions. Sometimes it can be very difficult to understand what it is: love, affection, sympathy, attraction? Only your heart can answer the question of how to understand what you feel for a person. Very often we take the choice of a partner lightly, based only on the bright, strong emotions that gripped us during the first time of communication. In such an important matter, you cannot make rash decisions; you need a clear understanding of how you feel. Specially designed psychological tests can help with this. Their goal is to find an answer to the question of how to understand their feelings for a person.

Advice from psychologists

At a consultation with psychologists, many couples who are on the verge of separation discover that love has not gone anywhere, but has simply hidden deep inside. To revive this feeling, you need:

Say “I love you” more often. This phrase works wonders on people.
Go to various events together. You will be able to see your husband from the outside, see in him a stately and handsome man who attracts women's attention.
Find a way out of the crisis together. Calmly discuss problems and offer solutions.
Try to restrain negative emotions and not quarrel over trifles.
Show initiative in bed, experiment. Diversity in your intimate life can save even the most shaky relationships.

When you decide that you have stopped loving your husband and want to leave, remember the happy moments that connected you. Are you sure you are ready to say goodbye to this person forever? If the answer is negative, your love has not gone away, but has only subsided for a while, only to flare up with renewed vigor later.

Test for recognizing feelings towards a person

The first question to answer is: “What attracts you to your significant other?” If your answer is good looks, a beautiful figure, pumped up muscles, then all this is just a passing hobby, and continuing the relationship in this case is not recommended in order to protect yourself from unnecessary frustrations and disappointments in the future. If, when answering this question, you immediately thought about the personality, character, and inner world of a person, then in this case we can say that you are serious and your relationships are of great importance to you. Only if the spiritual world of your partner is important to you can you talk about love.

The second point that will help you find the answer to the question of how to understand your feelings for your partner is aimed at remembering how your relationship began.

There may be several options. First: you met, a spark flew, and you instantly realized that you were in love. The second case was when the feeling of love came gradually as your relationship developed. As a rule, the first situation indicates that the feelings will go away as quickly as they appeared. In order to understand your feelings for a person, you need a certain time, at least to get to know him as a person.

Next, to answer the question of how to understand your feelings for a person, you should look at your attitude towards others. When you are passionate about something, the world around you seems to cease to exist. If, answering this test item on how to understand your feelings for a person, you can say that you cannot think about anything else but him, then you are in a state of love and infatuation. Love is a more serious feeling. It assumes that the person you have chosen is undoubtedly your first priority, but you do not forget that there are other things and other people in life.

And finally, the fourth question of the test is how to understand your feelings for a person. You need to think about your expected future with this person. If in a relationship you are looking for some benefit for yourself, thinking about how it will be more convenient and comfortable for you, then the feelings that you are experiencing at a given moment in time are not love. True love must be selfless and sincere. If you love, you should not want anything in return from a person.

Having received answers to all 4 questions of this small test, you will be able to understand your real feelings for a person and draw certain conclusions.

Love or affection? How to determine.

Very dire consequences can arise if we do not determine in time what is happening to us. Do we love a person, or are we still attached to him because of our habit. Over time, we get used to our partner. We begin to miss him, we remember ridiculous moments with each other, we remember his smell, the timbre of his voice, his wishes before going to bed. Underneath all this, we may not be able to grasp what feeling really overcame us: love or infatuation.

The danger is that if you marry such a person, you are taking a very big risk. You risk dooming yourself to an unhappy life, and all because over time you will begin to misunderstand each other, you will begin to be more and more disappointed in your partner. The problem will be your attachment, because attachment very thinly borders on such an understanding as dependence. Agree, addiction already sounds alarming. For us, a person really becomes like a drug. And we need constant nourishment of his presence in our lives. It looks unhealthy. If you understand your true feelings in time, you can make the right decision. And avoid the bitterness of fate.

Attachment is dangerous because it is difficult to distinguish it from love. It is expressed in support, care, compassion and empathy for the person for whom we have feelings. Unfortunately, when we fall in love, we are guided not by our sincere desires, but most often by fears of losing our object of adoration. If a girl is attached to a guy, all her actions will be tense, she will be more withdrawn, holding back her emotions and trying to please her partner in everything. And all this will happen because of the fear of losing a loved one.

And now the question. During real love and sincere feelings, is it worth pretending? Is there a reason to hide your emotions, desires, control your every step..? NO... Love is a sincere feeling in which you are ready to share your emotions, every piece of your life with him for free. You don't even think about what you will get in response. You are glad that you show him your attention and see your boyfriend’s sincere smile and his loving eyes in response.

Love, first of all, is sincerity and relaxation towards the person for whom you have feelings. You can check your feelings for your chosen one by answering just one question, but you need to answer honestly. You shouldn't lie to yourself. What exactly makes you have feelings for him? If this is affection, then these will be values that represent wealth, status, everything that is not related to love:

Material values.
A sense of responsibility for your partner. Responsibility is implied not as a girl's boyfriend or vice versa, but as a “parent” - “child”.
Loneliness. One of our biggest fears as women. We are afraid to remain unwanted, and then we are afraid to get used to another partner.
Comfort zone. We get used to our partner, the environment, our attitude towards ourselves. And we are not ready to change all this.
Feeling of gratitude. We believe that we are obliged to a person and try to answer him in kind.
Guilt. Often we believe that the guy helped us get out of our apathy, not noticing how we ended up in a new one, only with addiction.

When it's love, you don't care about his well-being, don't care about his social status and where he lives. Love is a selfless feeling that provides the opportunity to drown in your feelings for your partner while being next to him.

Questions to help you understand how you feel about a person

First question. You introduced your loved one to your family and friends, but after the meeting they criticized him and said that he is not suitable for you. Will you listen to their opinion?

Of course, I’ll listen, because when you’re in love, you notice only the good in a person, and close people will help me look at the person differently.
Of course, I listen, because if they didn’t like him, it means there’s probably something wrong with him.
I introduce my loved one to my family not in order to listen to their opinion; I have already made my choice and am confident in it.

Second question. If you've been in a relationship for several years, does it matter what you look like?

Of course, because my partner should only notice me.
Appearance is not the most important thing, because in our relationships we value completely different things.
I don’t take care of my appearance, since we’ve been together for quite a long time and he’s not going anywhere.

Third question. How do you feel about your partner's shortcomings?

In a relationship, you need to be patient with each other, and you need to turn a blind eye to little things, because everyone has shortcomings.
I'm terribly annoyed by my partner's shortcomings, but I try not to lose my temper.
We constantly quarrel loudly because we cannot accept each other's shortcomings.

Fourth question. Who do you call to complain about an unpleasant situation at work?

Of course, I tell my partner everything, and he supports me.
I’ll call a friend, I don’t want to burden my partner with such trifles.
No one, I'll keep my experiences to myself.

Fifth question. Your partner has been offered a job that requires business travel, how do you feel about it?

It all depends on the conditions, if this allows him to save a good amount for our budget in a year, then I will not mind.
Of course, I’ll let him go, because this is a very interesting opportunity to see the world, I’ll be happy for him.
It is important for me that my partner is always next to me, so I am against such work.

How do you feel when you truly love - 10 ways

The feeling of falling in love is a wonderful and amazing feeling that captures or, on the contrary, scares us. Sooner or later, every person experiences it.

If you fall in love, then in the future you will no longer be able to imagine your life without your soulmate.

It is worth remembering that each person experiences love in completely different ways. Probably everyone who has experienced this feeling will agree that it is the most excellent and beautiful on Earth.

So let's read 10 ways to understand that you really love that person or you just like him:

Waking up early in the morning - this is the first person you think about

If you really love a person, then when you wake up in the morning, the first thing you think about is him, and before going to bed, you also think about him. When you have many wonderful moments during the day, you first want to share it all with your partner. When the day is not going well and a lot of bad things happen to you, you look to him for support.

Your loved one is the best part of the day.

One famous American musician and actor Childish Gambino sings in one of his songs: “When I'm alone, I'd rather be with you.” Even those few minutes that you spend every day with your loved one are the best for you. You will never get tired of your soulmate and will always look for a reason to meet her.

No matter how good the day was, your loved one and dear one can brighten it with just their presence. If you just like a person, she or he will be able to make him or her better, but most likely they will not be able to be the best part of him.

Self-interest comes second

While you are alone, your interests are the most important to you. Love is selfless. If you really meet your true love, then the interests of your soulmate will be much more important to you than your own. This is what love is all about. Your own interests will always seem insignificant in contrast to the interests of your loved one.

You are not afraid to express your feelings in public

If you really love this person, then you want the whole world to know about it. You are never shy about your feelings. If you just like a person, then you will refrain from showing feelings in public.

Are you ready to do anything

When you are in love with someone, you will definitely do anything to make your loved one happy.

Are you planning for the long term future?

A person in love cannot imagine his future without a specific person. Based on this, you will probably plan your future life with your loved one for the long term.

If you just like a person, then planning the future will be very scary.

Your love is imperfect

Love is the ability to accept the shortcomings of a loved one. You may jokingly mention them to your loved one, but in reality you will adore these imperfections of hers or his.

Your feelings are not due to anything

True love is not limited by conditions. When you love your partner unconditionally, it means only one thing - your love is absolute and it knows no conditions.

You're getting better

There are no ideal people and there is always room to grow further. If you love someone, then you always want to become the best “version” for that person.

Test results

Summing up the results of the test, we can conclude that if the maximum number of answers to the questions were the first, this means that you have real, sincere feelings for your partner, and do not regret your choice for a second.

If most of the answers are the latter, then you need to work on your relationships and better understand your feelings. If the majority of the answers are #3, then you should reconsider whether you really want this person to be around. You may be wasting your time and his.

True love - how to understand it

It is hardly possible to say about love better than what is written in the Bible:

“Love is long-suffering, it is kind, love does not envy, love is not arrogant, is not proud, does not act rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The phrase “does not seek its own” means that true love is completely devoid of selfishness. But it is egoism that gives rise to a sense of ownership, a desire to possess, control, and try to change a person.

Let's find out what psychologists say about healthy, self-sufficient, true love. In their opinion, signs of true, real feelings of love are:

Confidence . A person does not try to convict his partner of anything, does not look for reasons for quarrels, does not suspect him of cheating and lying.
Friendship . A couple in which everything is based on sexual relationships and violent passions will never last long. Friendships always form between truly loving people. They freely share their secrets with each other, have conversations, are interested in all aspects of each other’s lives, consult with each other, and support each other.
Full unconditional acceptance. A loving person accepts his other half as he is and does not try to change him. He will never put forward conditions for his love.
Mutual desire to work on oneself. If you love truly, you will not try to change your partner, but will begin to work on yourself. Psychologically mature couples understand that relationships are not built on their own; sometimes they need to work on themselves in order to come to an agreement or compromise.
Sacrifice . True love is always ready to sacrifice itself. This does not mean that a person should rush headlong under a train to prove his feelings. Here we are talking about the ability and willingness to sometimes give up one’s interests for the sake of a significant other.
The desire to give, not to take. A loving person always strives to give the object of his adoration the best that he has. At the same time, he does not think about profit and does everything selflessly.
Consistency . When you truly love a person, you do not lose interest in him over time. No one else will be able to influence these feelings.