I'm extremely lucky with my husband
After another six months of traveling, I met my future husband in Portugal.
He turned out to be one of the few men in my life who courted me himself, and not vice versa. I even refused him a couple of times, but then I still fell in love and decided that we should start a relationship right away ideally, since he was so serious. Literally 3-4 weeks into our relationship, under the influence of everything I had read earlier, I started a conversation with him about having a patriarchal family. Like, I’ll be at home, I won’t work, and you’ll decide everything.
He is Brazilian, but by that time he had already lived in Europe for 10 years. He was 38, I was 24. He was very surprised then, but... agreed to try. His parents lived like this all their lives: his mother never worked, and they seem to be happy, having been together for almost 50 years.
And we tried. Initially, the relationship was built based on this paradigm: he is the head of the family, and I take care of the house and him. Then I began to read Valyaeva even more actively and listen to all these lecturers about the Vedas. I went to the marathon, did some tasks to pay respects to my parents, to obey my husband, new recipes, new dresses...
Articles and lectures constantly convey the idea that a woman’s destiny is a family, she does not need to work, children are wonderful. This is the purpose of a woman. Those who have it wrong are wrong; you don’t need to be a man in a skirt.
Love and compassion: mothers who would rather not have children talk about their experiences
Tammy is a mother who regrets having the baby.
“I don’t think it’s worth it,” the woman says. - Don't get me wrong, I love my children. However, this love costs me a lot: emotionally, physically and psychologically.”
Tammy anonymously wrote about her suffering on the feminist website the Vagenda, where a writer for The Guardian noticed the discussion.
“My body was destroyed, I had to have several surgeries later in life to fix what I had to do trying to give birth to my four-pound baby. And what's worse is that by expressing my thoughts openly, I run the risk of becoming a monster in people's eyes... it seems like your entire personality has turned into nothing more than a functional mechanism for the success of children."
Why do women regret having children? “Motherhood is no longer the overarching role of the modern woman; it can be a secondary role, and a woman does not necessarily have to choose it,” explains Andrea O'Reilly's Motherhood: A Politics of the Heart. the Heart ) Tomi Morrison.
However, she adds that the experience was the biggest liberation of her life.
For Morrison and countless other women, the demands of a child were “things no one had ever asked me to do: be a good manager. Mother has a sense of humor. And the children were never interested in what other people paid attention to: what I was wearing, or how sensitive I was towards them.”
“If you listen to your children, you somehow free yourself from baggage and vanity, from many things, becoming a better version of yourself, the way you like yourself.”
In different cultures and on different continents, the social project “ideal motherhood” provides a list of things that women should not do: do not smoke, do not have casual sex, do not work while on maternity leave, writes the author of The Guardian. However, it is more taboo when a mother says that she regrets her motherhood in general.
This hot topic has already received the hashtag #regrettingmotherhood on the Internet.
It all started with Orna Donath, an Israeli sociologist who decided not to have children. She was tired of feeling like something abnormal in a country where women usually have three children.
Last year, Donath published a study based on interviews with 23 Israeli mothers who regretted giving birth. In it, the author finds out that motherhood can become for a woman both “the pinnacle of personal pleasure, love, pride, joy and abundance,” and also turn into “helplessness, depression, hostility and disappointment, and also create the basis for oppression and subjugation.”
However, the purpose of the study was not to allow women to speak ambiguously about motherhood, but rather to give space for reflection to those mothers who want to turn back time - what the sociologist called the “unexamined maternal experience.”
Donath's work has sparked much debate. In Germany, novelist Sarah Fischer published the book Die Mutterglück-Lüge ("Blessed is the Mother's Lie"), with the subtitle "Why I Would Rather Become a Father."
Leading German columnist Harald Martenstein wrote that the #regrettingmotherhood debate is “child abuse because women direct their negative feelings about motherhood onto their children - even if they say they love them, as most motherfuckers do.”
The columnist is convinced that this effect was caused by thinking only in white and black colors: “this is a consequence of unrealistic expectations from oneself and from the child, an unsuccessful choice of a partner, the mother’s personality and perfectionism. Regretting motherhood is as pointless as regretting spilled milk.”
Sociologist Donath describes the push for many to give birth as the "sociological impulse" - a powerful concept that absolute female happiness can only be achieved through motherhood.
Those who dare to challenge tradition face opposition that is vastly superior, and honest, frank debate is usually avoided.
The author of the study draws attention to the ideological promises to expectant mothers to experience the joy of growing children, as well as the simultaneous disdain for women who remain childless: they are called selfish, unfeminine, pathetic and inferior.
Meanwhile, on the Mumsnet portal you can find a lot of women's complaints about the loss of their old lives and their daily battles with the reality of motherhood.
“This is not postpartum depression. I don’t have it, I don’t have depression. I have no doubt that someone will try to convince me that there really is. I was happy with the life I had before. My son is wonderful and my partner helps me a lot. I adore them both. And no, I was not forced to become a mother. I was simply in love with this idea. I thought: this is what I want. In fact, society told me that this is exactly what it is, right? “,” writes a portal user.
“I am a mother and I don’t regret it, but I deeply sympathize with women who consider themselves deceived by the myth that motherhood is a biological destiny,” another is convinced.
Sociologist Orna Donath's goal is simple: she strives to allow women to consider motherhood as a personal experience that can combine love and pity, and for society to accept this.
A woman's happiness is in her home and children?
A year later we officially got married. I am a very active person, I quickly became bored at home, and I began to ask my husband to have a child. Plus, I was afraid that I would have problems conceiving, and it could take years.
My fathers-in-law also really dreamed of grandchildren, and I, according to the precepts of the Vedic lecturers, was supposed to serve them in everything. And it seemed to me that I would give birth to a child and it would be a special happiness, that happiness really lies in children.
Nothing can explain the fact that I gave birth at the age of 27, except this Vedic crap in my head. After all, how? I got married, I have to give birth! After all, children have happiness and meaning!..
After my son was born, all this turned out to be not happiness at all, but on the contrary, it was incredibly difficult and very difficult. In the first six months, the illusion of “destination” began to fall apart.
No, my husband helped me a lot and is still helping me. I have an ideal husband in this sense. He woke up with us at night, and in those days that he was at home, I never changed the child’s diapers or bathed him, because my husband did everything.
But! When my son was 2 weeks old, my husband went to work, and I was left alone, completely tied to a constantly screaming lump, and it turned out to be terrible. It turned out that this routine work with a child does not bring any pleasure at all! I love this baby endlessly, but I would like to do something else, something I love and that brings money.
Photo source: heroine archive
GuruTest
Despite the fact that today many women refuse motherhood, there are also those who, despite their own life and career ambitions, decide to take such a step. Sometimes such a decision is made independently, sometimes under certain pressure from relatives and a partner.
Most ladies understand: motherhood is something that you will have to do all your life. But it is not always possible to make the right decision, and sometimes women regret having a child. What to do in this case?
We conducted a short survey and found out how real women who regretted becoming mothers live. Here are the stories of ordinary people: we hope you find them interesting.
Alisa, 25 years old:
To be honest, my future husband prompted me to have a child in many ways: after learning about the pregnancy, my then-boyfriend immediately proposed and insisted that I keep the child. I never felt any particular attraction to small children who constantly run around, scream and ruin things, but under the pressure of my future dad I gave in: for some reason then it seemed to me that all these “children’s inconveniences” were just a matter of upbringing. For some reason, I was firmly convinced that I would not turn into a mother hen. As it turns out, I was wrong.
When my daughter was born, it was as if my husband had been replaced: if for the first few weeks he still agreed to help me with something, being moved by the tiny baby, then all his help came to naught - making the excuse of being tired after work, he sat down to play online with a clear conscience. shooter or watch another stupid series. Now I understand that I made a monstrous mistake: the decision to give birth to a child for the sake of someone else, perhaps, cannot be called anything else. I understand that I don’t feel anything that normal mothers feel towards my daughter. To be honest, I haven’t figured out what to do with all this yet.
Alla, 32 years old:
I didn’t dare to have a child for a very long time: either my engagement to my boyfriend broke down and I had no one to rely on, or I was offered a lucrative position at work that excluded the possibility of babysitting a baby, or something else. By the time I decided not to wait for a miracle and suitable circumstances for the birth of a child, I had already turned thirty: it’s even surprising that there were no acquaintances in my circle who would constantly remind me of the ticking clock.
The pregnancy went even easier than I expected, and already in December I was holding a tiny “envelope” with a baby in my arms, and even felt some semblance of love for the little creature: then emotions surged at once, so it’s difficult for me to judge them now.
The fate of a single mother did not frighten me at all, but at home, when I had just moved away from the hospital environment and more or less learned to cope with a child, the realization came: why do I need this at all? Why waste extra time and money? Was it bad for me without a child?
We are currently working on this situation with a psychologist, but we have not yet seen any significant progress. I can say for sure that this is not postpartum depression: too much time has passed.
Natalya, 40 years old:
My husband and I have probably been working towards the birth of a child our entire adult lives: we got married, the same age, at 26, and for four years we tried to conceive a child on our own, passing through a dozen or two doctors along the way. Neither me nor my husband had any illnesses, but nothing worked with the baby: the doctors just shrugged their shoulders.
When I was already approaching thirty, the long-awaited happened: I realized that I was pregnant. Having hastily done several tests and checked with a gynecologist I knew, I hastened to please my husband: he was simply happy and literally carried me in his arms throughout the entire pregnancy.
Unfortunately, we seemed to have little idea of what it was like to be parents. The boy was born healthy, he is already ten years old, but I understand that this is not what we wanted at all. I don’t know whether it’s a matter of upbringing or what else, but our child is a completely uncontrollable hooligan, with whom neither the school psychologist nor private individuals will undertake to work. Looking back, I even regret that we dreamed about all this for so many years: my nerves can no longer stand it, and it seems to me that things are heading towards divorce.
As you can see, not everyone brings joy to the birth of a child: sometimes women who decide to become mothers later bitterly regret their step. But here it is important to be able to distinguish between so-called “postpartum depression” and a real reluctance to have a child and take care of him. The first is a completely normal and understandable phenomenon, but the second is the exception rather than the rule, and is much less common.
Our article can help you make the right decision: we have previously talked about the decision-making method developed by Walt Disney. We hope this method will help you.
Tell us what you think about this: what do you think a woman who has given birth and regrets should do? Is it normal not to love your child? Why?
Our Yandex.Zen channel always has the most interesting articles on this topic. Be sure to subscribe!
05.02.2019 05:52
It turned out that it happens differently!
When the child was six months old, the husband began to have health problems, and he was immediately fired. I saw him not at all so strong and confident.
That’s when I read Emily Nagorski’s book “As a Woman Wants.” Master class on the science of sex,” there was a lot of information about feminism. I then thought that this was a bad book: I’m not a feminist, I’m a normal woman! But at that moment my eyes began to open, and I realized that things could be different.
Things have changed a lot since then. My husband found a job. We moved to Germany, then moved again. Due to circumstances, I am still at home, I started a blog, it is like work and an outlet for me at the same time.
I have big and ambitious plans for my career, which I foolishly pushed aside and froze for many years. It will be difficult to catch up, and accepting the inability to do this right now, in an enhanced mode, is very difficult for me.
The other day I said to my husband in a shaking voice - you know, I regret that we gave birth to a son. At least for now. Maybe in ten years it would be different. But now... I'm so ashamed, I said. But I really regret it - the only thing I regret in this life.
When my husband was offered a job in Germany, we realized that we would have to learn the language. My husband and I sat down and I said:
Well, are we postponing the second one for 7 years?
And then we asked each other the question, do we even want a second child? And I admitted to myself that it didn’t seem very good... This process lasted for 2-3 months to accept and realize this possibility, because it was firmly in my head: “the more children, the more happiness.” Actually, no, of course not.
I regret that I gave birth
I understand you very much. Do not refuse the help that is offered to you. Before having a child, you were probably a socially active person. Everything is different on maternity leave. If you close magazines about happy parents, you can find a different kind of motherhood. It is not so rainbow and colorful. This is motherhood in which there is no euphoria and at least some joy from communicating with your child. It happens. I have been working with the topic of motherhood for a long time, so I can say for sure that you are not the only one who perceives the world of motherhood this way. There are a lot of similar messages and topics. The idea that “motherhood is happiness” sits firmly in our heads, and if something goes wrong, then “it’s our own fault,” “you should have thought before having children,” “look, how many childless They haven’t been able to get pregnant for years, and you’re complaining!” But all these words only create a feeling of guilt and do not give the opportunity to listen to myself and understand what I, as a mother, really feel. Where does the irritation and anger towards the child come from? And is this irritation on the child or on myself that I can’t cope with my feelings?! How can you talk about your disappointment, the feeling of deception, betrayal, emotional fatigue, if everyone around you is waiting for a “happy mother” dutifully performing her function?! Our parents showed their love by providing basic needs (to be healthy, clothed and shod, physically healthy, educated, etc.) and did not think about making the child happy, self-confident, etc. on the contrary, we live in an era of child-centeredness. Almost a cult of motherhood. The norm is that the interests and well-being of the child come first. What about mom herself? Her feelings, her well-being? A woman for whom motherhood turns into real suffering has her own reasons for this and needs more support than just a tired mother. And it’s not about putting a mask on yourself first and then on your child, but about working with the reasons.
The reasons that I will talk about below could have been experienced by both your mother (and then you had no choice but to repeat her scenario), and you yourself at the moment.
“Why might a woman regret motherhood?”
- You yourself grew up in an atmosphere where love was not openly shown, and you still feel like an unloved daughter;
- You have experienced a difficult pregnancy, childbirth, you may have had doubts about whether to have a child, or thought about an abortion;
- You have difficulty recognizing and/or expressing your feelings; if you feel warmth for a child, then it is easier to express it by caring for him than by kissing him or saying kind words;
- You simply lack support in everyday life and material terms. And if there is help, then perhaps it is not in the form that you would like. Example: the child’s own grandmother can be a good help, but at the same time she can tear the mother’s mind apart with advice, criticism, etc. There is no money in the family for a nanny, and then the mother has no choice but to take out her stress on the child. The lack of external support and internal resources leads to severe emotional burnout and depression for the mother;
- You have been in a difficult situation for a long time (family conflicts, health problems, financial problems). If at the same time you are prone to depression and anxiety, then you simply physically will not have enough resources to fully care for your child;
- In your childhood, there was experience of emotional and (or) physical violence in the family, chronic trauma. Then motherhood can be associated with a return to one’s childhood, and therefore rejected even if the child has already been born;
- If you grew up with younger brothers and sisters and your parents gave you the role of “nanny”. Suppressed anger, jealousy, and possibly disgust can awaken with the appearance of your own child;
- The child acted as a tool to attract a man and save the marriage. Just imagine how many functions it then bears!
- A very common case is that your career and social fulfillment are very important to you. Then the birth of a child and the need to stay at home with him literally becomes a prison.
Motherhood is not a one-time event, it is an entire stage in a woman’s life. There may be various difficulties on it, from the very beginning. And it is important not to turn a blind eye to this. Love for a child is not something that is handed out in the maternity hospital along with a squeaking lump. Sometimes this feeling must first be reached through old wounds and carefully nurtured again. This is a lot of psychological work that can last for years. Therefore, if you feel ready for such work, I recommend that you contact a perinatal psychologist in person. Such specialists work most effectively with this topic.
We don't want any more children
Gradually, we both came to the conclusion that we no longer wanted children. We are raising one person whom we love very much, and natural parenting is not an empty phrase for us.
Our son is 2.8, and I am still breastfeeding, we still sleep together. We both have a very close relationship with our son, we have a lot of games, but we also have a lot of cartoons.
Our son does not go to kindergarten yet, we plan to go in August at almost 3 years old. We tried to send him to 2, but I couldn’t leave my son there, he wasn’t ready yet. It is important for me to respect its natural rhythm.
Equal partnership
In general, my husband and I now view our relationship as an equal partnership. And yes, my husband is very happy about this too. Our responsibilities are divided equally, I don’t cook every day for my husband, only for myself and my son.
When my husband is at home, he cooks for himself, he eats completely differently. Everything else is done by those who can now. I go grocery shopping because I'm at home and my husband is at work, and that's why I clean the house a lot more often.
“Children’s affairs” like choosing clothes and shoes, going to the doctor and going for walks are also my responsibility on weekdays, and on weekends we go for walks, as it happens, both together and separately with each parent. It seems to us that this is logical and fair.
Photo source: heroine archive
What is the meaning of life if not children?
I do not know the answer to this question. My personal meaning is self-realization coupled with pleasure from life. I always try to do only what I want, no matter what others say. And in my blog I often talk about exactly this, about dreams and true aspirations - which it’s kind of not customary to talk about, because it’s shameful and scary that they’ll judge you.
I write about being honest with yourself, about recognizing your true feelings and not living someone else's life. I talk about this very often using my own example, of course.
Probably, the meaning, or better yet, the mission of my life is to show the way to other people that they can live differently, honestly and freely, to inspire them to change. Demonstrate in practice that you can really make friends with yourself and stop being afraid of change, inconsistency, the opinions of other people and society. For example, what they will think of you if you honestly admit that sometimes you regret having given birth to a child so early or even having given birth...
Here's a toy for you, and I'm off
Women of different ages and religions spoke quite frankly to Ms. Donat about why they regretted their decision to have a child. Mother of three Atalia (45) considers motherhood an “unbearable burden” that “interferes with her peace of mind and freedom.” And 60-year-old Tirza, mother of two children and grandmother of three grandchildren, admits: “The feeling of remorse first came to me when my second son was born. It was a terrible feeling of responsibility for a small creature... A child’s smile is the greatest reward. What nonsense! Does this smile free you from problems?
The Israeli newspaper Israel Hayom published an interview with Orna Donat, which caused a heated discussion on the Internet. When asked by a journalist why this study was carried out, since the children had already been born, Orna Donat replied: “It is important to verbally express your reluctance and dissatisfaction. This recognition is a response to the dictatorship of prevailing public opinion. Unfortunately, at this stage, the choice of life without children is condemned by society and therefore the very opportunity to talk about it is important. And the main goal of the study is to open the eyes of young girls - those who have not yet become mothers.
Everyone knows that in Israel children and family are almost an object of cult. Therefore, the unexpected results of scientific research seemed to many to be a pure provocation. But then, as often happens with provocative occasions, a heated discussion ensued. Someone reacted very harshly: “If Orna Donat’s mother had not given birth to Orna Donat, we would not even know that such theories exist.” Someone tried to show understanding, arguing that not everyone needs to get married and have children. Someone supported these women who decided to openly oppose public opinion that imposes motherhood on women. It’s good if she reconciles herself with this choice, but if not... Someone remembered Leo Tolstoy, who was categorical on this issue: “A woman who is burdened to have children is not a woman, but a bitch.”
The famous blogger Simply miu conducted an impromptu survey on her LiveJournal on the topic: “Is it easy to be a mother?” Almost 70 percent admitted that the role of mother is very difficult for them. The main reason is that a woman must be a good mother, a loving wife, an experienced housekeeper and a successful career woman at the same time. Those who are lucky enough to find a balance between these hypostases, no matter which way the advantage is, call themselves lucky. But it’s not enough to come to an agreement with yourself; you need your loved ones and public opinion to support the woman’s choice. You cannot do without the help and support of loved ones. In addition, we should not forget that children grow up and they need the physical presence of their mother less and less, and the big question is what a woman will be left with when her children grow up.
Opinion
Lyudmila Aivar,
lawyer, doctor of legal sciences and mother of four children:
Families are different. There are women who are engaged only in their careers, they do not give birth to children at all, or they give birth to one, and immediately hand him over to their grandparents to raise. We hear so many stories about how dads, when their children grow up, find new life partners because the woman (not all, but the majority) partly loses her charm, attractiveness, and erudition. I don’t want to advise anyone, everyone chooses for themselves.
Every mother inevitably faces a choice: family or professional growth? Some devote themselves entirely to children. But sooner or later, children grow up, there is no need to breastfeed and swaddle, or take them by the hand to kindergarten or school. Children develop their own interests and their own families. What can a woman do in order not to fall out of active life - take care of her grandchildren. When children grow up, it is already difficult for a woman to find herself and the meaning of life. Therefore, it is important for a woman to be not only a mother, but also to preserve her capabilities and abilities in order to be needed by society, and not just by her family.
Being parents is a lot of work, being working parents is doubly so. Of course, you want to spend more time with your family, but you understand, if you don’t work with full dedication, you won’t be able to provide your child with a decent life: a good education, varied recreation, delicious food... And I’m against buying children’s love: here you go 30 new toys, and I'm off. Children look at us, imitate us in everything, and it depends on us what kind of continuation we will receive in our children.
My only regret is that I couldn’t have more children. When there are two children in a family, the third is already a matter of course, the fourth is not even noticeable. In a large family, the number of children no longer matters.
