5 1114 May 5, 2015 at 02:05 Author of the publication: Diana Gadlevskaya, anesthesiologist
A feeling of endless loneliness, a constant feeling that no one is able to understand you, to hear you. This is a state of impasse, when one day completely copies the previous one, and your entire existence is reduced to a meaningless series of events, at the end of which is death.
The answer is somewhere inside. If you think about it, if you understand it, you can hear it...
Therefore, I feel good alone, in silence and concentration. It seems to me that I’m about to understand. Just a little more, and I will learn this most important thing, what I have been missing all my life. A little more - and I will find the main answer that will make me happy.
What to do if no one wants to listen to you and does not understand
First you need to figure out who this “nobody” is.
Most likely, this someone is a specific person, perhaps a friend or acquaintance, a teacher or parent. Of course, it’s very sad when no one wants to listen to you, no one understands, but often there is something else hidden behind this. Your expectations from a relationship may not coincide with people's ideas about how to communicate, how to listen to your feelings, and they may experience similar experiences. But you can begin to establish mutual understanding and learn, first of all, to find support within yourself. First, try to understand what “to be understood” means to you. What exactly do you expect from people, what behavior, what reactions and actions, and what, on the contrary, is unacceptable for you.
Do the following exercise:
Write a short essay, continuing the phrase: “I want (here you need to write the specific name of the person who does not understand you - for example, Vasya or Tanya) to understand that I... when...”.
This way it will become clearer to you what exactly you want to explain to them, what you want to convey to them, what message you are conveying to them. Perhaps you just want them to listen to you and not give you judgments or unnecessary advice.
Then - the following short essay: “And they, it seems to me, think that I...” So it will become clearer to you exactly what they do not understand you about. Not about When you write, chances are high that your view will really change.
And then think that it is those who do not understand you who are trying to convey to you. And why do they do it, and how do they feel about it?
And think again and ask yourself an honest question - do you want understanding or approval? Because these are different things, and our actions will not always be approved by those around us. Moreover, we may be listened to and understood, but not supported by our position and actions.
For example, parents may understand that their child wants to quit school because heavy workloads and some subjects are difficult, but they are not going to approve such a decision and will insist that the child cope with it anyway and pass all educational tests.
But they will always listen and support if you have a difficult situation at school. For example, the desire to quit school may be influenced by a conflict with someone in the class - either the teacher was too demanding or unfair. Parents, of course, will be ready to support and understand, give advice, perhaps allow you to take a break and distract yourself and restore strength, but this does not mean that you can expect them to understand and support the protest against the school.
Be that as it may, it is important that you understand yourself and can support yourself in difficult times... In those moments when it seems to you that no one wants to listen to you, and you cannot get support and understanding, try to find a resource and support , continuing 2 phrases:
I can handle this situation because I have...
No matter what happens, I can always...
Add your strong and important qualities to these phrases, remember a specific experience when you managed to cope with a past situation, think about something good and positive! Find those words that may become your slogan and motto in life, like the phrase “The darkest hour before the dawn.”
How long does adolescence last?
Conventionally, adolescence begins at 10–13 years of age and lasts until 21 years of age.
It is divided into three stages. Early is “the most unbearable,” according to the psychotherapist. Children have new needs, they are already “big”, but they don’t understand how to deal with it. Boys become like Neanderthals, awkward, clumsy. They are rude and want to be left alone. Girls, in turn, begin to be afraid and ashamed of everything, including themselves. The second stage begins at the age of 16 and proceeds more easily. The teenager already senses reality, but tries to adapt it to himself. The third stage, aka youth. According to Loktionova, only during this period does a teenager come to terms with real life and begin to take responsibility for his actions.
What goes on in the minds of teenagers?
The key to understanding a teenager lies in the changes that occur in his head. Biologically, the brain consists of the lower part and the outer part - the cerebral cortex. For a younger student they are in balance. During adolescence, a “volcanic eruption” begins in the subcortical layers. There was a flat landscape, and then “magma” rises, new structures. The subcortical centers begin to attract all the attention because they begin to serve the maturing hormonal system.
“The difficulty of adolescence is that the cerebral hemispheres are being rebuilt; they seem to be closed for repairs. Logic, arguments, beliefs, cause-and-effect relationships - all this is not clear to teenagers. They live on an emotional level,” said the psychotherapist.
Why are we afraid of sadness
A happy family or an attractive girl against the backdrop of nature, in a cafe, or maybe just on the street with a glass of coffee in her hand - have you seen these beautiful photos on social networks? Certainly! Positivity today is monetized by bloggers to the maximum. Everyone should be joyful, live high and have fun. Every action is aimed at obtaining happiness. The thought involuntarily arises that something is wrong with you, because you go shopping for bread less often than some blogger goes on a trip with five children.
Positive thinking is so hyped that you become uncomfortable with your own sadness. You are afraid of appearing dull and worthless, unable to enjoy life.
If you try to live the way social networks broadcast, sadness will become an adequate reaction of the pendulum in the other direction. A constant state of excitement will be reversed, so I want to talk about sadness as a problem, as a basic mental need and a natural reboot for your brain.
Eat and be sad. What foods cause depression? More details
Why do teenagers react so strongly to criticism?
Due to the changes that occur in the head of adolescents, emotional pain centers are exposed. Loktionova gave the example of a comparison that was picked up by Françoise Dolto. According to a French psychoanalyst, the teenager is like a lobster during molting: he has just lost his shell and needs to grow a new one. At this moment, all sorts of dangers await him.
“Teenagers must survive this difficult period like lobsters. Therefore, the family should become a safe place where he can survive this time without fear of “predators” and build up this new “chitinous cover,” that is, wait for the formation of the cerebral hemispheres,” the psychotherapist advised.
Continuing the theme of comparing teenagers and lobsters, she said that pain awaits any teenager, he will definitely get “burned.” The psychotherapist remembered that there used to be an initiation rite for teenagers.
“The boys had to deal with pain, but there was always a mentor who knew how this process should happen and what its benefits were for the teenager,” Loktionova said.
It is important to understand why you, as a parent, cause pain. For example, why do you ask your child to put down his cell phone? If you want to have a traditional dinner at this time with the whole family, then this is a good idea.
How to take a child away from a bad company?
Some parents are concerned that teenagers start drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, vaping, and trying drugs in company. A group of friends becomes closer to parents for a teenager, who sometimes use force and abuse to try to get the child out of a bad situation,” the psychotherapist explained.
Parents should monitor the groups to which their child belongs and create opportunities for the teenager to be in good company. If among the teenager’s friends there are dubious personalities, you need to find him another company, but no less exciting.
“Last summer I sent Toska to two wonderful camps. She told me an amazing phrase after that: “You know, mom, if you put me in a room where all the children read books, then I will too.” I was stunned: “What? Will you read the book?” Tosya never reads anything. I struggled with this, to no avail. But thanks to this feedback, I realized that it is very important where the child ends up,” shared Tatyana Lazareva.
What is loneliness
In the modern world, it is common to consider loneliness as something bad, vicious and unnecessary. A person cannot stand alone with himself for even a couple of minutes. Why? There are many reasons for this.
When you are alone, there are no people around, no TV distractions, no phone, you have to think. But the person doesn’t like this business terribly. Stress, waste energy, go through the thought process. But this is precisely the most useful side of loneliness.
Just think how many hasty and stupid decisions a person makes. But he would not have made such a mistake if he had just thought for a few minutes.
We are used to thinking on the run, during a break, faster, faster, faster. If you can say I’m here alone and there’s nothing to distract me, great! Take a moment and think. Just think about your life, your calling, analyze your actions. There are so many interesting topics to think about.
Girls at 14 years old have a huge number of topics on which they can spend time alone. And boys at sixteen. And at twenty-three, thirty-eight, fifty-five. Do not think that loneliness accompanies a person only at one specific age. It lasts throughout life.
And it is very important to learn how to use such moments correctly.
Don’t think that everything is bad, that no one needs you, that the world is against you. On the contrary, life gives you time to think, a break for analysis, a pause for self-awareness.
If you feel hostility from others, the world seems embittered and opposed to you, then read the article “What to do if others hate you.” There is nothing that cannot be fixed, remember this!
Teenagers stay up late and have a hard time getting up. Why?
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the brain, but also for the whole body. Therefore, a teenager can often feel like a squeezed lemon at the end of the day.
“The body changes, it shakes. Such earthquakes occur inside. The bones grow, the vessels cannot keep up with them, and the nerve pathways cannot keep up with the vessels. Therefore, the daily routine and physical activity regimen are very important,” the psychotherapist noted.
No teenager likes to go to bed early. Moreover, closer to night, when homework is done, the most active communication on social networks begins. In this matter, parents need to set boundaries and ask the child to go to bed at a specific time.
“You can say, ‘You still have five minutes. Write the most important words. Finish communicating with the most important people.” In this way, we give a guideline and ask them to go to bed on time,” explained Loktionova.
It turns out that it is from 22.00 to 1.00 that the process of myelination occurs in the body of a teenager. This is the formation of a sheath around the processes of nerve cells.
“Teenagers’ sleep patterns are really disrupted. They don't want to sleep at all. But this is not so because their social networks excite them. The reason is that the brain is not yet myelinated, there is no need to form these membranes. Therefore, our task is to help the child form the habit of going to bed early,” said the psychotherapist.
Ideally, a teenager should sleep 10–11 hours. Obviously, on school days this is not always possible: children do homework late into the night, and you need to get up early to get to class without traffic jams. In this case, at least on weekends, the teenager should sleep as much as he wants, Loktionova noted.
How can parents communicate with teenagers without giving advice?
During the child's adolescence, the parent must become a submissive listener if the child makes contact. A teenager needs to be shown compassion and empathy. There is no need to explain anything right away, no need to tell how everything happened in adolescence with the parent himself.
“You can say: “I understand you approximately.” Maybe this is similar to (name an incident from your youth)?” If the child agrees, then you can remember the incident and say: “I felt so bad, but such and such helped me. Is the same thing happening to you now?”, the psychotherapist gave an example.
How to help a teenager who doesn't ask for help?
“I often encounter parental confusion. It seems they don’t ask for help; on the contrary, they even say: “Go away, don’t touch me,” the psychotherapist said.
Tatyana Lazareva confirmed this. According to her, each of the three children in adolescence often said: “Mom, that’s enough!” Loktionova explained the meaning of this phrase from the lips of a teenager.
“Everything that happens outside directly, without processing by the cerebral hemispheres, affects the emotional pain center of the teenager. Any sidelong glance, any condemnation hits this center. If a teenager hears a piece of morality in your phrase, the child will identify this as alienation. Then the child says: “Mom, that’s enough.” But he says this not to his mother, but to the pain that he is currently experiencing,” said the psychotherapist.
