Ah, how much has already been said by everyone about acceptance, but it is so easy to read and how difficult it is to put into practice. Every time you catch yourself thinking, you have to accept it, but why? Why is he like this? Why can't he do this...? And in general, how to accept a man? Accepting your husband (or beloved man) for who he is means understanding that the man will probably never change. And if there are objective shortcomings in him, then this is only his area of responsibility, this is only in his circle of influence.
I have not seen a single ideal person in my life. Yes, and there are no ideals. We all have our own shortcomings and characteristics. If you think about it, you can understand a lot for yourself, including the idea of “acceptance”.
How to accept a man: what is acceptance
Understand that the shortcomings of any person are ordinary human weaknesses . We are all not angels, we are far from ideal. Just let your loved one be who he really is, let him be himself. Indeed, in addition to its shortcomings, it has many advantages. If we pay too much attention to the shortcomings, we often simply overlook the advantages, many of which are very significant.
At the same time, you may not agree with the man’s opinion and may not share his interests. You can have your own assessment, your own opinion, but simply give the opportunity and recognize the husband’s full right to have his own opinion, his own mistakes, his own characteristics.
Each of us has our own point of view, our own philosophy of life. And often it is difficult for us to take the position of another person. Or it may turn out that in the place of another person we thought exactly the same as he thinks now.
There is one amazing principle in coaching that resonates madly with me: “every person makes the best choice at the current moment.” This means that at the current moment, at the current level of our development, we are doing the best we can, the best we are capable of now.
It makes no sense to scold and get angry at an 8-month-old baby because he doesn’t know how to hold a spoon. It makes no sense to scold a schoolchild for not knowing the list of nuclei with non-zero spin determined in NMR studies. This is not their level.
In life everything is even more complicated. What you take for granted may be incomprehensible or uninteresting to your man. And his behavior will flow from these ideas, from his level.
What not to do?
Of course, you shouldn’t pretend that you are satisfied with everything about him, this will only be self-deception. If something doesn’t suit you, say softly about it, about the situation, about the subject, about what doesn’t suit YOU, what worries YOU. Don't say that HE is NOT like that, say what YOU are not comfortable with. Don't get personal or prove the man wrong in the case. Talk about your attitude and opinion.
You can always talk about your personal attitude, your emotions. Without focusing on your shortcomings or your disagreements, but only showing your side. One of Stephen Covey's key principles is “first to understand, and then to be understood.” Try to take the side of a loved one, understand his point of view (it doesn’t matter what issue we are talking about), and only then talk about yourself. This is the only way to truly understand and accept someone close to you.
What is love?
Love is the unconditional acceptance of another person. When you accept him for who he is. Completely. When you don’t deny a single trait of his, you allow him to be close to you as himself. When you support him in everything, You make him happy on a sad day, you give Inspiration and Strength, and sometimes he just puts his head on your lap, and you stroke his hair, give him your inner peace...
Love is a decision made to be together forever. And if feelings, tenderness or passion disappear, then the decision never changes. This is precisely the basis. Many never make this decision. First you need to make a decision, then your spouse will come into your life.
He is you, your incarnation in another body, your masculine principle. The one who is next to you now is what you deserve.
If you want more, then change yourself and everything around you will change.
To meet the ideal man, you don’t need to engage in endless soul-searching and personal growth. It's enough to just accept yourself. You can grow together.
Relationships are dynamic, they change all the time and, like the aroma of real perfume, they reveal themselves gradually.
First, the brightest note is a romantic period and violent passion, then this aroma fades away after a short time... and passes into the next note. It is less bright, but also pleasant, but the most interesting note is the last one, it is usually the most gentle and warm. and this is true love. But most people use cheap perfume, which lasts for 5 minutes with a bright aroma, and then disappears without a trace.
Love is a dance in which the man always leads. And you trust him completely all your life, you take risks, but are not afraid to die in his arms, and you know that he will never let go of your hand. This is movement, life, this is the most important thing in life. This is the only drug allowed by God.
A man and a woman together should accelerate each other’s spiritual development; if this does not happen, then you simply have a karmic connection. Some people date for a day, for three days, for three years, but not for life. And how can you tell the difference? Live Today and appreciate what you have.
To meet the love of your life, you need to give up all compromises and not have any relationships until you meet the one. Only serious intention will attract a serious relationship. The main thing is to know who you want.
And for a woman, love for a man is the meaning of life. She realizes herself completely in love and having children. If she has met her man, it means she has achieved the highest happiness in this life.
LOVE IS ABOVE EVERYTHING
RULES FOR MEN OR HOW TO GAIN RESPECT OF WOMEN...
The love of even the best girl in the world sooner or later gets boring. I want more - respect. Women's respect does not quickly become boring, and it is inexpensive.
1. Don't shout
Even newborn kittens can raise their voices at opponents, so the ability to make loud sounds in moments of excitement does not give you weight at all. Representatives of our species use screaming in order to: a - call the rest of the pack for help; b - bring yourself into a fairly excited state, preparing to repel the enemy; c - to scare the enemy.
Therefore, screaming is a sign of weakness, a sign that you are almost losing control over the situation, for which you are already attracting your last reserves.
Children scream more often than women, women scream more often than men. Very strong men do not raise their voices at all. Because they don't need to.
2. Don't be petty
We are talking not only about scandals with waiters holding 49 rubles in change. Pettiness is the willingness to attack with heavy weapons for the most insignificant reasons. Women suspect, often quite rightly, that a person who wastes his time, strength and energy so mediocrely is that he has little ambition to achieve larger goals.
3. Envy correctly
Envy is a great tool that makes us compete with each other and, therefore, push the wheel of world progress. Unfortunately, envy forces some people not to run faster than their neighbor, but to look for ways to make their neighbor stop running so fast, and preferably forever. Such envy is almost openly manifested in phrases like “He, like all Jews, is cunning” or “You can’t earn money for such a car only if you steal.” Such phrases always have an inaudible continuation for our interlocutors: “And I’m stupid and inactive” or “At least if you work the way I work.”
Envying someone out loud is the same as admitting your own worthlessness, since in this way you admit that: a - you want something that your opponent has; b - unable to achieve his goal. Envious women do not command respect from women. For non-women, however, too.
4. Don’t be so quick to judge anyone.
Eastern wisdom says that an enemy must be chosen more carefully than a friend. A man who easily labels others as “goat”, “idiot”, “scoundrel” and so on, arouses a fair suspicion among ladies that he is not ready to really fight with anyone, and his anger and contempt mean nothing .
5. Admit that others are right
It's very difficult to admit that you were wrong. Weak people never do this. Even when they are asked point-blank: “Well, now you admit that you were wrong?” - at best, they laugh and change the subject or begin to look for ridiculous excuses, which, in turn, causes irritation and disdain among their interlocutors. For strong people, their gigantic reserve of self-esteem will not become depleted by admitting the fact that they made a mistake somewhere. For this reason, they do not have such problems.
6. Feel sorry for yourself silently
There are times when it is simply necessary to resort to such a powerful remedy as the sympathy of loved ones. But normal loved ones will understand when you need it. Especially women, who are usually so generous with this feeling. There is no need to stimulate female pity with tearful stories about how you are not loved, not appreciated, or offended. And even mosquitoes bit me! Till blood!
You can pity and respect a person at the same time, but not when he insists on consoling himself over trifles.
7. Know how to do something really cool
It’s cool, of course, to be a great cellist, surgeon or mathematician, but the ability to, say, masterfully cut sausage into the thinnest slices, whistle brilliantly with two fingers or shuffle cards no worse than a real dealer will also not hurt. Women have even more respect for professionalism than men.
8. Don't be silent when she does nasty things
What is good and what is bad, we learn so firmly in childhood that, even if experience makes significant adjustments to “it’s a shame to offend little ones,” etc., we still always know the true price of our actions. So, if you become indifferently silent at the moment when your girlfriend cheerfully tells you how they are harassing the new girl in the entire department for her terrible nail design or how she did not return the money to the cashier who was shortchanged, your silence will be regarded as complicity in this prank. And, therefore, deep down in her soul she will consider you a heartless swindler, since it is much easier for us to condemn another person than ourselves. We do not urge you to make fiery re-educational speeches - it will be enough if you simply say that you don’t like all this, because doing so is not good. Even if she pouts now, she will put on a special shelf the idea that you are a decent and respectable person.
9. Don't babysit
Cute cooing between lovers can take many different forms. Very often, our species practices the so-called “nuptial feeding” ritual, when one of the partners simulates the behavior of a cub, and the second - the parent. The presence of such a ritual in our sexual program is due to all sorts of important ethological reasons, but we would recommend that you exclude it from your menu. All these “pussies want a goose” and “pussies will eat food and sleep,” pronounced in squeaky voices, are quite appropriate in the ladies’ repertoire. But when a man uses them, he gives the woman in love with a surge of maternal feelings, which are wonderful and all, but, alas, have very little to do with respect. You will someday get out of bed, but the girl’s desire to spank you and check the cleanliness of your ears may remain forever.
10. Don’t humiliate her A very common response to curse words in all languages of the world is “That’s how you are!” That is, a person defined as, say, a swamp aphid, does not immediately strive to prove to his opponent that he does not belong to the superfamily of aphids.
No, he usually reacts by saying that he hears this from the same aphid, from the wet-footed booger, from the senseless mushroom. This is a normal defensive reaction. Just as in a real fight a falling fighter tries not so much to get back to his feet as to drag his opponent to the floor with him, so in a verbal fight the humiliated one strives, either loudly or silently, to drag the offender along with him. The more often you humiliate her, the lower you fall in her eyes, even if you are always right in everything and she is wrong. Her subconscious will try to protect the mistress’s self-esteem, reducing you to the level of microscopic disgust, whose assessments can be ignored due to their insignificance. Condemn, if necessary, not her herself, but her actions: she can abstract herself from them and perceive your criticism reasonably.
11. Don't tell her about your sex life.
Rich sexual experience, in principle, usually does not harm a man in women’s eyes. But only on one condition: you don’t talk about him. The ability to keep secrets about what goes on in the bedroom earns women respect, and your secrecy in this matter will intrigue, but not offend her. In addition, women also consider the ability to control their desires and not be too influenced by the reproductive instinct to be a masculine characteristic worthy of respect. So the image of a playboy athlete is more likely to disappoint them than the image of a “man who has experienced a lot,” so beloved by novelists.
12. Come to her help without her asking
The request for help in itself is for our subconscious a payment for this help. Therefore, unexpected help is internally perceived with much greater gratitude, even if we are talking about a complete trifle like changing a light bulb or fastening a zipper on the back.
13. Respect yourself
It is very difficult to respect a person who does not respect himself. There are a lot of people like this: they love themselves, take care of themselves, feel sorry for themselves - anything but respect them. Because they know for sure: you’re welcome.
By the way, respecting yourself does not mean talking about yourself in the third person with a respectful aspiration. To respect yourself, it is enough to follow only two rules: a - do not commit actions that you yourself regard as dishonest, even if everyone does this and it is convenient, safe and pleasant; b - if you know that doing something will be right, do it, even if you don’t want to and no one will appreciate it anyway
How to accept a man: 2 categories of features
The list of things that don’t suit us about a loved one can be long (from the habit of arguing to adherence to different religions). And not all of them are equally important and have the same impact on us.
I suggest dividing all the features of your man into 2 categories:
- Those that don't affect you much or don't bother you that much. You can work with them on the topic of acceptance and understanding. Perhaps you will understand that there is nothing terrible about these features and you can learn to live with them. Accept your whole husband, with his strengths and weaknesses. At the same time, think about his good qualities, meditate on them. What we think about, what we pay attention to, is what develops.
- Those that infringe on you personally. Perhaps your man is used to rude treatment, does not accept your opinion on all issues at all, or unceremoniously spoils your things. As a rule, in ordinary everyday situations there is little. In these cases, you need to gently but seriously make it clear how difficult these habits are for you. Any loving man will listen to you if it was said without complaints or anger. It may take time for him to understand this. It's important to take a step and start a conversation.
After all, home and family for a husband are his refuge, a place where he can throw off his armor, relax and be who he is. What happens when we terrorize our husband by criticizing him for “the way he is”? He does not relax, does not rest, he feels that his wife, like a stranger, evaluates him. This is where irritation, disputes, scandals, and the cold attitude of the husband arise. He feels that you are comparing him to a certain standard, a standard that he does not meet and is unlikely to ever be able to meet, and he withdraws more and more.
How would you react to your husband’s phrase: “Why aren’t your parameters 90-60-90. It's time to work on yourself as much as you can. I’ve been patient for several years now.” Nature created us differently, we are not all 90-60-90, don’t we want our husband to love us for who we are? Then we must admit that our loved one will not become an ideal, but this is not necessary.
Accept or change? How to accept a man for who he is?
“Only the military registration and enlistment office can accept a man as he is!” says popular wisdom.
What is acceptance? Why is it so important for relationships? And how to accept your man for who he is? Complete acceptance of a man, without the desire to change or remake, is a sign of unconditional love for him. But often we choose a partner like a semi-finished product in a store: we hope to salt and pepper it, fry it on both sides until fully cooked, and then - nothing, it will do.
This is a fundamentally wrong position, since our desire to change a person causes a wave of resistance in him, relationships turn into a struggle for the right to be himself. Of course, sooner or later, this struggle will push even the strongest love out of the relationship.
At first we don’t see our partner’s shortcomings...
A person’s character is formed in the first years of life, slightly adjusted during adolescence, supplemented by the consequences of shock traumas that a person has experienced, and becomes unique, unlike anyone else.
For some of those around him, this character will seem disgusting, for others - incredibly attractive, but the most interesting thing is that when we fall in love with a person, we like him with all his shortcomings.
We see his “nuances”, we smile at them, we are touched, they seem to us like cute pranks. It would never even occur to us to hate him for this, to be offended, to try to eradicate his shortcomings.
But time passes...
And as if by magic, a soft belly seems to us like a huge belly, brutal stubble begins to prick terribly, thriftiness turns into greed, generosity into wastefulness, regularity and calmness begin to seem like laziness or indifference, activity begins to seem like nervousness, or avoidance of spending free time together, masculine gallantry begins to cause jealousy. And there is no end to it.
Then we try to change it...
We try to change our partner, forgetting that every positive quality has a downside. If a man is creative, most likely he is not neat. If a man is domineering, most likely he is tough. And if he is a “flirt” and loves women, most likely he is unfaithful.
In an effort to change your partner, it is important to understand that his positive and negative qualities exist in pairs, and come exclusively as a set.
By eradicating a negative quality, you will most likely extinguish the positive one.
That is why, when in a couple someone is subjected to constant criticism and forcibly tries to brighten up his negative traits, he quickly loses his individuality and becomes, how can I put it, “nothing.”
The more we change our partner, the less we like him. And if a man, out of his love for us, tries to adapt to us, meet our expectations and requirements, then he begins to irritate us. The circle closes.
There is less and less love, and more and more indignation. Sometimes in such relationships, leaving our partner is the most merciful thing we can do towards him.
“Break up so as not to torment him or yourself” - this is the reason for the breakup I often hear from my clients.
In truth, it is worth noting that sometimes, indeed, separation in a couple is the most reasonable way out of the current situation. But more often it is cowardice, inability to accept, inability to grow personally next to him.
And we don’t understand that a partner helps us develop...
Partners have an unconscious task - to help each other develop personally. Without reaching an agreement, one partner, as if by accident, begins to aggravate the internal problem that the time has come for the other to solve.
For example, if a person has a closed world of emotions, and he does not know how to express them, his other half will begin to emphasize his reactions: in the form of scandals, hysterics or aggression. And then, whether you want it or not, you will begin to react.
Or, for example, one partner devotes little time to himself, the other will begin to aggravate this problem, not paying any attention to the needs of the first, and taking up his last time to solve his trivial problems. The second will behave this way until the first one asks: “Well, how can this be? I'm also a person! I also need attention and time!?”
How can you stop being irritated and accept a man with all his negative qualities?
- Identify the subject of irritation as specifically as possible. For example, write down three qualities that most irritate you in your partner.
- See in what form this quality is expressed in you. It can be presented in forward or backward projection. Or you have this quality, but you are ashamed to admit it, and then you scold your partner, as if relieving yourself of guilt. For example: “I yell at the child, but HE! he screams at the child louder!” In this case, the first step of acceptance is to be honest with yourself. Or, on the contrary, it is precisely this quality that you currently lack to solve some problems. And you look at the man as if with envy and indignation. For example: “How can he be so irresponsible!?” - a woman will say, whose task is to learn to relax and not bother with little things. By accepting and approving of ourselves in these manifestations, we easily begin to accept our partner.
- You always have the right to end the game. If this relationship causes you incredible suffering, and you cannot accept the qualities of your partner, remember that there is only one life, and it is yours! When life has a task to teach you something, it will definitely do it by repeating the same lesson over and over again with different people. But you always have the right to pause the lesson if it is too difficult for you, or to attract a specialist to help.
The more self-love and self-acceptance we have, the more we love and accept others. One way or another, we accept and develop ourselves not so that others will have an easier time with us, but so that it will be easier for us with the whole world!
Source: https://lifeacademy.ru/articles/prinyat-ili-pomenyat-kak-prinyat-muzhchinu-takim-kakoy-on-est
How to accept your husband for who he is?
Perhaps we should start with another question. Illuminate it from all sides, and only then proceed to acceptance. But this question is completely opposite in meaning, energy and, strictly speaking, in consequences. This other question interests almost every bride and new wife.
This issue is considered by women by default; it is in first place in the imaginary instructions for a happy family life. He creates illusions, then painfully destroys them and spoils the relationship between the spouses, cooling, first of all, the husband’s feelings for his wife. This question: “How to change your husband?”
Even before starting a family, in most cases we begin to see the shortcomings of our beloved, but we ignore them, sincerely believing that it is with us that he will change. Or rather, not even that. That we can change it.
And despite his long history as a smoker, he will certainly give up this addiction, despite his rude attitude towards the female sex, he will turn into a gentle and affectionate husband. And the fact that he is lazy and doesn’t want to work at all is because he simply didn’t have the motivation before.
And so, after the wedding, the woman rolls up her sleeves and begins to carry out a program to remake her husband.
Over time, of course, she begins to understand that she has not succeeded at all in this matter, not only has she not moved forward, but she has also aggravated the situation. And if earlier her lover only smoked, now he also started drinking.
If earlier his hobby was limited to meeting with friends once a week, now he disappears every evening into the virtual world of computer games. And so on and so forth.
With all this, the relationship between the spouses deteriorated significantly, passion and interest in each other began to disappear. From all the holes only complaints and reproaches came out. Resentment and irritation. (For more details, read the article “ Why do families break up ?”).
And here a woman has two options. The first is to file for divorce, start looking for another man, and then try to remake him. And the second is to learn to accept your husband for who he is, thus reviving almost extinct feelings.
Now we have come close to the question: “How to accept a husband?” This question implies very complex and intensive work on oneself (and not on one’s husband), for a long time without visible results, and internal resistance. But also a man’s admiring look, a manifestation of love and tenderness towards you, building that model of a family that will finally make you happy.
What is acceptance anyway?
This is by no means resignation to his unacceptable character traits, not suppression of your emotions, not control of your reproaches. This is a fundamentally different attitude towards your man.
The awareness that in addition to negative ones, he also has positive character traits, habits, and actions. In a ratio of 50 to 50. Just like us. After all, there are no ideal people; each of us has both good and bad sides.
And you also have flaws that he has to put up with. Acceptance is the choice to love a man with all his strengths and weaknesses and not try to change him . Allow him to be the way he is, the way you loved him.
This is a choice to focus on the good rather than the bad. Do not reproach for shortcomings, but praise for virtues. Give him the freedom to be who he really is.
Here is a brief guide to help you understand how to finally accept your husband and thereby inspire him to change:
- Make a list of its disadvantages and advantages. Fold and hide the imperfections. Advantages: re-read daily (!);
- Keep a gratitude diary in which you write down every evening what you are grateful for to your husband. What good did he do that day? How he helped you. What good quality did you show?
- Give your husband compliments. That is, to focus your attention on his good sides not only silently, but also out loud;
- Give him complete freedom. This means learning to trust your lover. If he wants to play computer games in his free time, let him play. Stop blaming him for laziness;
- Inspire him with your example, but under no circumstances give him other men as an example. This will hurt his pride and cause aggression towards you;
- Curb your pride. After all, if you try to change it, it implies that you are perfect. That you understand life better, you know better how to do it. And teach him. This not only scares and repels men, but also causes protest. Thus, he may deliberately act against you, defending his freedom. Curb your pride, focus on your shortcomings and start eliminating them. It is much easier to see the speck in someone else's eye than the beam in your own.
I would like to give you an example of the recommendations on how to accept a husband described in Helen Andelin’s book “The Charm of Femininity,” which I recommend that all women read!
Rules for accepting a husband:
- Get rid of an attitude of complacency.
- Accept your husband as a human being who is half of his strengths and half of his shortcomings.
- Give him the freedom to be himself;
- Don't try to perfect it;
- Do not set other men as an example for your husband;
- See his best side.
- Express acceptance with words.
With love, Yulia Kravchenko
Source: https://www.twiy.ru/kak-prinyat-muzha-takim-kakoj-on-est/
