Reason 3. Mismatch of anatomical parameters
“If a man’s penis is much longer than his partner’s vagina, some problems may arise,” explains Yana Enikeeva, “for example, a woman may experience pain during intercourse, and with intense friction there may be tears in the area of the posterior vaginal vault.
The length of the vagina depends on the woman's height: the taller the woman, the longer her vagina. So, if a man has a long penis and his partner is tall, then we can say that “they found each other.” But if a woman has a long vagina and a man has a small penis, then both he and she feel uncomfortable.
Solution
— If the partners are sexually literate people, everything is not so fatal. There are certain poses that allow you to correct the discrepancy in the anatomical parameters of the genital organs.
Remember that destruction is necessary for transformation
Growth implies destruction. You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. Therefore, when something breaks in your life, it is a sign that you are ready to build something new, you need to think about what to do. But if you give up and tell yourself that everything is bad, then you simply won’t see the gap through which you can sneak away to a new life.
So keep your eyes open and remember that through adversity we grow. But without making an effort to do this, we bend before we can get to the top. This way of asking the question will help you understand what to do when everything is bad.
Reason 5. Sexual dysfunctions
In men - erectile dysfunction, in women - anorgasmia, that is, lack of orgasm. Often, spouses are afraid to admit such difficulties to each other and choose the most incorrect model of behavior - silence.
Solution
The causes of dysfunction can be very different - from depression to problems with the circulatory system. Only a qualified specialist can get to the bottom of the problem and fix it, and the chance of success is quite high. At least, as urologists say, about 85-90% of cases of male dysfunction can be cured.
No problem is given without the opportunity to solve it
If you are given challenges, then you have room to grow. But on the other hand, it means that you are ready for this growth. Just as there is no door without a key, there is no problem without a solution. Therefore, even if you do not see ways, this does not mean that there are none and everything is bad. Not everything is in plain sight, but sooner or later a chance appears and you will understand what to do. Your task is to catch it in time, find it, see it, generate it in your head.
Don’t regret what you don’t have, don’t think that everything is bad, but focus on what you already have. At least you have arms and legs. And if this is not the case, then there is a head on your shoulders. This is already a resource!
Logarithms do not allow those who do not at least know the multiplication table to count. Therefore, remember - you have the opportunity to get out until you yourself give up, think about what to do in this situation.
Either you will drown in milk, or you will churn butter, as in the old fairy tale. The frogs were absolutely identical. The solution was different. And subsequent actions.
Reason 10. Mismatch of sexual constitution
“The sexual constitution is, in simple words, a person’s need for sex,” says Y. Enikeeva. - Sexual constitution can be strong, medium and weak. Depends on many parameters. If the sexual constitution of the partners coincides, this is an ideal option. But if the partners differ sharply in sexual constitution, for example, he has a strong one and she has a weak one, then conflicts arise, which are colloquially called “sexual incompatibility.” However, you can always find a compromise.
Example from life:
Alexandra: “My husband and I have lived for 9 years, I want sex, not every day, but often, but he pushes me away. I am 29 years old, and he is 32. Because of such sexual hunger, I don’t know what to do, even throw yourself at the first man you come across. Why is that?..
YE: - Most likely, you have a strong sexual constitution, and your husband has a weak or average one. In addition, the period of greatest sexual activity for men is 18-25 years old, and after 30 years of age, sexual activity begins to decline. First of all, sexual desire decreases, although sexual arousal and, accordingly, erection are normal. But without sexual desire there is no “trigger”. By your age, you are in the period of greatest sexual activity (for women, the peak of sexuality is later than for men - at 25-30 years old).
Solution
Although sexual constitution is an innate quality, if desired, it is quite possible to adapt to each other.
— You can change your sexual needs with the help of hormone therapy (but only under the supervision of a doctor!) if hormones are not enough. In addition, a woman can become sexier and more sensual by training her intimate muscles (this is called wumbling). Also, both men and women can have better sexual relationships if they know all the erogenous zones of their partner and learn how to stimulate them correctly. A man, even with a weak sexual constitution, can become an excellent sexual partner for a woman with a strong sexual constitution, if he pays due attention to erotic foreplay. And some women, on the contrary, need sex without any foreplay,” says Y. Enikeeva.
Take action. At least do something!
Try different paths. As Edison said: “I have not suffered a thousand failures. I just know a thousand ways that don’t work!” If one thing doesn’t work out, do something else. The main thing is not to stop, but to do it, even when everything is bad! As soon as you give up, it becomes difficult for you to hold on to emotional fear and worries. But when you do something, firstly, you have a feeling of movement, which already gives you strength. And secondly, no matter how trivial it may be, action brings more results than inaction. It's that simple!
Reason 11. Temporary “problems”
For example, hormonal fluctuations in women: PMS and others. Chronic fatigue syndrome, depression, apathy and other mental disorders can also suppress desire; and many diseases not directly related to sexual dysfunction may be accompanied by low levels of serotonin, which is called the “pleasure hormone.” Hence, there is no interest in sexual relations.
Example from life
Anna: After giving birth, I lost a lot of sexual desire for my husband. My daughter is already 3.5 years old - the situation has not changed. Naturally, the husband feels everything. But I can’t pretend - it’s simply beyond my strength. In general, I practically stopped feeling like a sexual object. Is it possible to somehow improve the situation?
Y.E.: — After childbirth, a woman’s sexuality changes. Many people experience positive phenomena: libido levels increase, sexual desire increases, erogenous zones become more sensitive. But sometimes there are problems. For example, if there were tears during childbirth, and then, even after they healed, sexual intercourse became painful. But most often the problem is in the psychology of relationships. Some women concentrate entirely on the child, and pay less attention to their husband than before. But he loves both his wife and child, and also needs love and attention! And he wants sex too. And if the wife agrees against her will, then it is unpleasant for the husband too. And it's a shame. And the woman sometimes feels guilty and worries. But the more she thinks about it, the more she resists sex “against her will.” As a result, a vicious circle is created.
Reason 14. Hypocrisy of one of the partners
Example from life
Tori: — I’m 26 years old, I was brought up in a strict family, where there was no question of sex before marriage. I still can’t build relationships with men. I haven’t dated anyone for more than a month, all men leave me. But I want warmth, attention, affection and healthy relationships, and not just sex with a person I like.
Y. E.: — Girls who received a strict upbringing may have a phenomenon called delayed psychosexual development. This means that libido (sexual desire) has not reached its final stage. And when libido levels are low, this always affects relationships with the opposite sex.
Remember that everything ends sooner or later
They say that King Solomon had a ring with the inscription “All things pass.” When a situation arose in his life in which he could not control himself at all and even these wise words seemed stupid and absurd to him, he tore the ring from his hand... but then he saw the inscription engraved on the inside: “This too shall pass...”
Everything passes sooner or later. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end. Such is life - for dawn to come, the sun must set in the evening. Therefore, remember that the night does not last forever. And it is darkest before dawn. Sooner or later, the situation will improve. What to do when everything is bad - know that it will pass!
And even if you are, as if in the Arctic Circle, where the sun does not rise most of the time, you can always gradually, at least in small steps, move to the equator. Where there is sun, palm trees, bananas and coconuts. Well, heaven in general!
Reason 15. Mismatch of biorhythms
He is a lark, she is an owl; therefore, when in the morning he climbs under her blanket and begins to gently kiss her neck, she only gets irritated, brushes it off and demands to let her sleep.
Solution
“A compromise can be found here,” says Y. Enikeeva. - For example, your loved one has already gone to bed, and you unexpectedly came to “visit” him. You can always cheat a little - they say, I just want to lie with you for a little bit - well, and then start caressing him... Gradually he will change his views, and also change the stereotype of sexual behavior. Well, after he falls asleep after sex, you have every right to quietly slip out of the bedroom and go about your business.
Reason 16. Hidden disgust
Example from life
Julia: “I absolutely can’t sleep with my husband.” Married for 12 years, I don’t like the smell of his breath. I just absolutely don’t want him to kiss or touch me. He treated my teeth, my throat, it seems like there shouldn’t be any health problems, but I always think that he smells. Although, I don't think that's the point. I never experienced an orgasm with him, I pretended so as not to offend, seeing his efforts. Everything got especially worse after I had a relationship with another man...
Y. E.: - In terms of sexology, this is called sexual aversion. Simply put, it is aversion to a man and an aversion to sex with him. The reasons are different: disappointment in a man, some unseemly act of his, betrayal, betrayal, as well as uncleanliness and an unpleasant odor. It happens that the root cause is relegated to the background, and disgust comes to the fore. In such situations, relationships deteriorate; everything about the husband irritates him. Especially when there is an opportunity to compare with another man. But it also happens that after her betrayal, a woman seeks self-justification and blames her husband for everything.
Reason 17. She just doesn't feel like it
The sexuality of men and women is different. Women in general want sex much less often than men, and often agree through force, simply to give in.
Solution
If a woman steps over herself and agrees, in the future that same disgust may develop - either towards sex, or specifically towards her spouse. If she constantly refuses under all sorts of non-existent pretexts - “my head hurts”, “I’m tired at work”, “these days” - she will probably offend her husband and push him away.
“Typical women’s “excuses,” which have already become the subject of jokes, infuriate men,” warns Y. Enikeeva. - But you shouldn’t consider all men insensitive and sexually preoccupied! The vast majority of them are quite reasonable and will understand if you calmly and logically justify: “Honey, I just don’t want sex right now. This in no way affects my attitude towards you, I still love you. But right now I don’t want sex. Well, for example, don’t you want to dance now? So sometimes women don’t want to...” Convey to your husband that the word “need” is more important than “want” in all areas except intimate ones.
See also: How to spice up sex with your wife →
Getting rid of negative emotions and thoughts
Let's figure out what to do with emotions and thoughts. Emotions from this pair seem to be the most inaccessible to control, they seem to arise spontaneously, on their own - anger, sadness, boredom, irritation rolls in... However, in fact, this only seems to us. Emotions do not fall from the sky and do not rise from the depths - they are the product of our thoughts, even when there are real physical grounds for them in sensations.
Source of negative emotions
You accidentally splashed boiling water on your leg and it hurts. You have no control over the pain, yes, it arose on its own. But what emotions to feel about this next - there are a lot of options. Someone will take it calmly - they will treat the burn and simply endure the pain without getting hung up on it. And in someone a storm will break out:
- “It was because of you that it spilled - why are you squirming around here?!” - irritation with the child with a possible slap on the head
- “How crooked and inattentive I am, I can’t do anything normally” - self-deprecation and self-pity
- “Well, everything is falling out of my hands - it’s because I’m in constant stress” - self-pity, tears, eaten with chocolate
- “And the main cause of stress is this husband, who has already drunk all the blood. It’s all his fault!” - anger at the husband and further vivid recollection of how badly he behaves, dreams of how he could have done it differently, and longing for what has not come true.
- “How am I going to walk now? I won’t fit into the new boots with the bandage, I’ll have to go in old galoshes tomorrow, but I really wanted to show off my new clothes at work...” - annoyance, frustration
- “Well, now the burn will hurt for two weeks and I will be exhausted, and then it will fester, the doctors will not have time, and I will die from blood poisoning” - fear, panic.
The last option from the example makes you smile, but it also happens, and most importantly, it is in no way more fantastic than the previous ones, which also have nothing to do with the burn. After all, what actually happened? — You accidentally burned your leg. But everything else is something you have already thought up, and you are experiencing emotions about what was thought up, and not about the burn. This means that thoughts are the cause of emotions.
Yes, these are not the thoughts that we specifically think, but thoughts that are so familiar and old that we no longer track them, they have become our nature, and emotions are born from them along a well-worn track in a split second. But still, the reason is in the thoughts that have become our life attitudes and even shaped our character.
And since we once agreed with these thoughts and accepted them into attitudes, it means we can revise them with the help of consciousness. To deal with emotions, you need to deal with thoughts. One less problem!
Tidying up your head - sorting out negative thoughts
What to do with these negative thoughts? We will have to catch thoughts by the tail and examine them. They will hide behind emotions, but we won’t believe it anymore, right? Here emotions are even to our advantage - they perfectly detect those “fishing places” where we have harmful thoughts. Before looking at thoughts, so that emotions do not cloud our eyes, we arm ourselves with a constructive approach:
- Worries do not change anything; with negativity we will only ruin our lives, but will not solve the problem.
- Is there really a problem at all, and is it worth worrying about? Most problems, if you look at them carefully, are such a trifle that without the thoughts that accompany them they are not worth attention (a broken nail, a broken plate, a missed TV series). There is another part of non-existent problems - what we came up with - fears about the future development of events, suspicions about what others think about us... Yes, it’s not easy to cope with these thoughts - we will have to learn sobriety, taking into account only the facts, and the facts , worthy of attention.
- We start from reality - not the one in our heads, but the one that actually exists. And we honestly look into her eyes, without looking away and without running into our cozy negativity. It will be difficult if you are not used to it, but there is no other way.
All remaining, “real” negativity can be divided into two categories:
- Our problems that we can solve are what depend on us. You just need to take them and solve them without delay. That is, when faced with such a problem, we begin to think towards a solution, rather than empty worries. Yes, problems can be very complex and difficult to solve... But you still have to if you want to live.
- Problems that are not within our area of responsibility - those that concern other people, politics, the weather. We just need to accept this, realizing that nothing depends on us.
Here we will have to clearly delineate the boundaries of our responsibility. Namely, the surrounding reality lives its own life, and being indignant at the way it lives does not change anything except ruin your life. So why? It's none of our business. If you can change something, change it. If you can’t, learn to accept the world as it is.
If there is no choice, then you can choose a sober, calm attitude and adapt. “There is no bad weather - there are poorly dressed people.” This will be both adult and a manifestation of self-love - not to worry about what does not depend on you.
The wife speaks to her husband: “Dear, you know, our daughter-in-law is cheating on our son.” - Honey, that's her problem. - Dear, but she is cheating on OUR son. - Well then, that's his problem. - Dear, but she’s cheating with you. - So these are my problems. - But dear, it turns out that you are cheating on me!!! - Sorry, dear, this is your problem. (joke)
Setting your boundaries correctly is also not easy. Most relationship problems and disorders stem from the fact that a person confuses these boundaries, especially with children and with spouses. But let's not give up. And if plausible justifications come to mind that the life of another person is our business, which means we have reason to worry, we mercilessly drive them out of our heads. This does not mean that you do not need to take care of anyone.
