He won’t do this again: advice from a family psychologist on how to forgive your husband’s betrayal

Cheating is a dirty, disgusting act. Many, despite this, start relationships on the side, which they later regret. It is important to be able to admit your own mistakes. But how? Losing a partner or being involved in a scandal of universal proportions are not very attractive consequences. There are several ways to talk about cheating while minimizing the dire consequences.

Features of quarrels in marriage

Quarrels in the family usually result from misunderstanding, jealousy, pride and stubbornness. Also, often the culprit of scandals is the inability to admit one’s mistakes and wrongs.

When arguing with her husband, a woman usually raises her voice, insults him, and makes claims. She is unhappy with the lack of help, scattered socks and lying on the sofa. Wives who often have scandals in their families should learn to quarrel correctly, without criticizing their husband.

READ How to never quarrel with your husband: advice from psychologists

Scientists have concluded that couples who accept each other's shortcomings without trying to change them feel happier.

If someone shouts during an argument, then you should learn to respond calmly in response. You can ask your partner not to raise his voice, otherwise you will have to interrupt the conversation and leave.

Reasons for female infidelity

If men are most often pushed into adultery by ordinary curiosity and the desire to conquer the next peak, then the reasons that pushed a woman to adultery are much more significant.

Family problems

Monotony and lack of variety in relationships often push a woman into the arms of another. Agree, a guy in sweatpants constantly lying on the couch with beer will be annoying and disgusting. Financial problems, lack of housing, bad habits of the other half will only push you towards an affair on the side over time.

Dissatisfaction in intimate life

Just a few decades ago, there was an opinion in our society that a woman should not enjoy lovemaking. For many ladies, fulfilling marital duties was something necessary, but not entirely pleasant.

Now the situation has changed radically, relations between partners have become more relaxed. Female orgasm is like a universal pill that has a positive effect on a woman’s mood, increases self-esteem and relieves her of many gynecological diseases. The psychology of a woman is very clear: if I don’t get pleasure with my boyfriend, then I’ll try to get it on the side.

How are the phrases you say when asking for forgiveness perceived?

People perceive requests for forgiveness in different ways. This is influenced by the character of the spouse, the degree of his upbringing and the mood in which he is. One person will react aggressively, another will react calmly.

Sending text messages to your husband will make him think that his date is trying to get attention. It is worth taking a short pause to choose the right words or phrases. When apologizing, it is recommended to express your thoughts clearly, clearly, and concisely.

READ Crises of family life by year: psychology and secrets of happiness

How to make yourself forgiven

An effective apology is one in which the person takes responsibility to admit their guilt. If he says he made a mistake, he will definitely win.

The next step in apologizing to your husband will be an offer to correct the situation. Words won't do much, you need to be ready to improve the situation.

Expressing remorse and regret and explaining your mistake will complement the apology process. In general, this scheme looks like this:

• eliminating a negative situation;
• explanation of the reason for the action;
• correcting the situation;
• asking for forgiveness.

Why You May Not Be Taken Seriously and Rejected

Sometimes it happens that a husband rejects his wife's apology. This can happen for several reasons:

READ How to return your husband to your family: advice from a psychologist

• she is not serious or sincere;
• lack of confidence in words;
• wrong time;
• a text message was sent.

In order for your spouse to take your apology words seriously, it is recommended that you choose an appropriate setting. She should be quiet, calm, nothing should distract her. A noisy place with a lot of people will not allow you to discuss the problem.

If the wife does not want to admit her guilt, then the husband will think that she is insincere and is not going to ask for forgiveness at all. He'll get even angrier.

Without realizing your mistake, trying to improve the relationship will not succeed. Sometimes women don’t understand what they did, but they ask for forgiveness. It is pointless.

You should apologize after the scandal has died down. If you shout out the word “sorry” in the midst of it, your partner will not hear it and will not take it seriously. Therefore, first everyone calms down, then they start talking.

Not everyone takes a text message containing an apology sincerely. A more effective method of forgiveness is a real conversation face to face, when the partner can see the gestures and facial expressions of the other half.

Examples of requests

The apology process is quite complex. Many people psychologically cannot tune in to it and find the right words. To pronounce them clearly, you need to prepare in advance. If necessary, they can be learned by heart.

I regret

Regret indicates that a person has admitted that they were wrong. He is ashamed that he made such a mistake, thereby causing pain to his beloved partner. For greater persuasiveness, you can use gestures, touches or glances.

I was wrong

Realizing that you are wrong and communicating this to your partner shows that your spouse is endowed with wisdom and has a mature character. Admitting guilt does not mean humiliating a woman in front of a man. Rarely anyone can do this. Few people are able to sincerely and easily admit their mistake.

READ For what reasons does a husband not pay attention to his wife, and what to do in such a situation

I'll fix everything

To make amends, you need to correct the situation. The partner will appreciate remorse and sincerity. The choice of method should take into account the individual characteristics of the spouse. For example, a delicious dinner, a souvenir for the car, a book by your favorite author, an invitation to a romantic date, an unforgettable night will do. The partner must feel that his wife still loves him.

I repent of what I did

There are people for whom regret is not enough. To understand how to beg forgiveness from such a husband, you need to show him deep repentance. It will cleanse the soul of the wife herself.

I need your forgiveness

It is important for some men to see their spouse’s desire to receive his forgiveness. If she shows him this, he will believe that her apology is sincere and important. To forgive or not is a personal matter for the partner.

Best strategy

The first thing you need to do to make a husband forgive his wife for cheating is to try to alleviate his condition. It would be unfair to try to blame the husband or put pressure on him. Instead of desperate promises and pleas, it is better to use patience and support.

Tell:

“You have every right to doubt and be offended. I don't blame you in the slightest. It was entirely my fault and I take full responsibility. If you decide to let me, I'm more than willing to do anything to fix the situation I created.

I won't put pressure on you and I only want you to be happy again one day. This was in no way your fault and you didn't deserve any of this. What happened does not in any way change how I feel about you or our marriage. I will support you in whatever you decide to do. I'm ready to go to a psychologist or just leave you alone for a while. If there is anything I can do, just ask."

This strategy is the best in many ways. Forgiveness in this case comes from a feeling of love and patience, and not from pressure and despair. Often husbands are surprised that their wife is willing to back down and become a little more receptive as a result. At this point, you should allow your spouse to take the lead and say how he wants to proceed. In the meantime, conduct yourself with dignity, grace and respect.

How to improve relationships after a quarrel

To begin reconciliation, you must first forget about the quarrel and stop blaming each other. There is no rush because it takes time to find peace. You need to cool down and put your thoughts in order. You can even limit communication for a while for this reason.

You need to learn to communicate and talk about what you don’t like. It is necessary to discuss not only the content of the problem, but also the emotions that it evokes. You can use hugs or kisses, as they give your partner confidence that he is loved.

The search for negative qualities in a spouse should be replaced by identifying his positive sides. Caring and supporting each other strengthens relationships. A joint vacation or trip will contribute to active reconciliation and restoration of a strong connection.

The husband will like it if his wife praises him more often, especially in public. He will appreciate his woman's touch, frequent conversations and smile. It is more pleasant for a man to see her not angry, tired and unkempt, but in a good mood, neat and well-groomed.

The ability to admit one’s guilt speaks of a person’s wisdom and maturity. When a woman sincerely repents of her wrongdoing, her chances of earning forgiveness increase. It will be faster to improve relationships after a quarrel if both partners are willing to do so and meet each other halfway.

Steps

Part 1

Prepare to apologize

Try to understand the reason for the betrayal.

First of all, cheating shows that something is going wrong or something is missing in the relationship. You need to get to the bottom of it and figure out the cause so that once you and your partner get over the initial shock of your actions, you can decide how best to fix the problem. Let's consider the following questions:

Understand whether you really want to stay with your partner.

You need to think seriously and decide whether you really feel ready to stay with your partner, given your actions.

• You hurt your partner and he deserves your apology, even if you ultimately decided to go your separate ways.
• If you decide to stay together and move past this betrayal, then the path will not be easy, and you should not drag your partner into this if you yourself are not sure of your decision.

• Take some time and write everything down on paper.

  Write down the reasons why you want and don't want to save the relationship. This will help you decide.

• Try to be as specific as possible. We hope you still love your partner. This definitely needs to be written. What do you love about him/her? What do you like about your relationship? How do you see your future?

Part 3

To live on

1. End your relationship with your lover.

   Undoubtedly, you both suffered from betrayal. Don't forget that a third person has entered your life. If you want to maintain your relationship with your partner, then your partner should not feel afraid that you might cheat again, especially with this person.

   • Your partner may want to make sure or get assurances that you have broken up with your lover.

   You need to contact that person, explain that your relationship was a mistake, and make it clear that you have no intention of continuing it.

2. Don't promise your partner not to see your lover again, but meet secretly to say goodbye. You must be sincere in your promises.
3. If you cannot erase your ex-lover from your life, then set strict boundaries.

   You cannot erase your ex-lover from your life if it is your work colleague. In this case, you need to plan how and where you can communicate.

   • Limit communication with your ex-lover to a minimum. You can chat during business meetings, but you don't have to have lunch together.

   Be prepared to assure your partner that doing business with that person will never go beyond what is permitted.

4. Try to communicate with your partner more often.

   This is not a wound that you can put a Band-Aid on and forget about. Be prepared to deal with mistrust for an extended period of time. This may mean you have less personal space and need to share more details about your day.

   • For example, your partner may want access to your social media, phone, and email. Try to fulfill this request. Otherwise, your partner will think that you are hiding something. If you are not ready to make such concessions, then you should reconsider your decision regarding saving the relationship (or try to understand whether it can still be saved.)

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There's a post about cheating in your friends' feed. Responds. I catch myself with conflicting feelings, a red thread: misunderstanding, such a beautiful couple, such an emotional relationship, it’s almost impossible to find the best, what’s the point of intrigue on the side? And a whole range of thoughts on the topic of betrayal.

Cheating happens

From personal observational experience, I came to the conclusion that most couples over 10 years old, one way or another, are faced with infidelity by one of the partners or both. And there is a format “to change quietly, the main thing is that the partner does not find out.” But there is also a format when the fact of betrayal becomes known.

Most, of course, cannot stand such an event. But there are couples who somehow live through the fact of betrayal of either one of the partners or both, which has become obvious. And somehow they accept it. These couples don't break up.

There are probably many factors for these pairs to survive. In addition to the emotional factor, love for each other, feelings, there are also rational ones. For example, the presence of children, which, in addition to love and material concerns, is always associated with the personal responsibility of each of the parents.

Or, for example, the presence of acquired joint property. Or an established life. Or just a certain level of comfort and other benefits...

In each case there will be some kind of set of circumstances that will not allow people to separate. But one way or another, people decide not to break up, despite the fact of betrayal. Because being together is more important.

Cheating can compensate for the lack of something

For example, if a partner has ceased to be sexually attractive, but is completely satisfied as a friend. When life is ideal, when it is convenient and comfortable. When there are children, children are loved and desired by both parents. When the partner is completely satisfied as a wife or husband. But there is no fire, or there is simply stability, much like routine. In this case, the fact of betrayal is simply compensation for the lack of emotions, energy, and lack of development in the couple.

In my opinion, it is in men that the lack of emotions is the leading motivation for cheating in so-called strong marriages. I remember a phrase from one man that was very figurative: the relationship with my wife is cold, but I will not divorce

. Men wanted to get the warmth that is missing in family relationships on the side.

see My relationship with my wife is cold, but I won’t divorce

Cheating isn't just for sex

What to do if your partner is very sexy, handsome, smart, evokes a lot of emotions, and everything seems to be going well in the relationship? In these cases, the reason for betrayal and the desire to change lies in a different plane. And this is also a lack of something, less concrete and more abstract. Lack of freedom. Or lack of fulfillment. Or lack of confidence. For example, when a person cannot come to terms with the fact that he is not getting younger, when he wants to be young for a long time, behave like a teenager, but being decent and correct is unbearably boring.

That is, if everything is good in a couple and there really are emotions and feelings for the partner, the presence of a desire to cheat on him speaks more likely of some unfulfilled needs at the level of being, rather than at the level of consumption.

There are many reasons for such existential unrealization.

Perhaps we are talking about excessive control in the couple. Or perhaps we are talking about the need for dominance and the struggle for power, about a dispute about who is in charge in the family hierarchy. Who decides how much and when someone else can go for a walk? Who makes the decisions? You can also talk abstractly about trust in a couple. About permission to take certain actions, about granting the right to freedom of choice. And about accepting the choice of a partner.

This is a question about personal fears. For example:

“What will happen if he leaves me?”

Or:
“Why am I afraid if he leaves?”
Or maybe it’s a question of self-esteem: “if he cheats on me, does that mean I’m not good enough?”

Or: “if he cheats on me, then there are other women with whom I have to compete”

And a man’s motivation to cheat on a sincerely loved and desired woman may be to prove his right to act independently. After all, when we love, we understand that we cannot find anything better than our beloved, and there is no point in looking. Therefore, in the case of a man cheating on his beloved woman, other women are only a means to solve a certain problem in a couple. They are simply used. Moreover, both partners.

Very often, having a husband’s mistress is beneficial to the wife and brings quite tangible and concrete, although often unconscious, bonuses.

Forgive or have mercy?

Begging for forgiveness for betrayal (I quote this vivid formulation verbatim) is precisely about the hierarchy of power and control in a couple. This is the topic of Who's in Charge. This is the theme of imbalance, emotional swing. Because asking someone for forgiveness means definitely not being on equal terms with him. One is lower, the other is higher. The one who is lower asks (begs) for a decision on his fate from another who occupies a higher status in the hierarchy. Sometimes statuses change. And this format is of course most common in codependent relationships.

It's all about the philosophy of forgiveness

It is also possible that the topic of forgiveness is related to the value system of a particular person, namely his religiosity, since the idea of ​​forgiveness lies at the heart of Christian philosophy.

Neurotic forgiveness

Often forgiveness is simply neurotic in nature and is expressed in different forms:

“I forgive you, but you must obey me in the future.”

“I forgive you, but you are still to blame and still owe me”

“I forgive you, but at the expense of myself”

“I forgive you now, and then we’ll see!” In principle, if you know your partner’s motivations, you can beg for forgiveness for cheating. Provided that the partner loves. More precisely, codependent. Another question is, is it necessary to beg for forgiveness?

How about the question, why did you need to change it at all if everything is fine?

Asking for forgiveness, constantly presenting feelings of guilt in relationships and replacing one’s responsibility with guilt, instead of realizing the causes and consequences of one’s actions - all this opens up a whole range of different stories, many different complex topics.

But often these complex themes are expressed in such simple and rather banal stories as adultery. To be continued…

Cheating is an unpleasant phenomenon and does not decorate any person. Even if your partner is wrong a thousand times, jumping into another person’s bed because of relationship problems is mean and ugly. You can imagine how offensive it is to someone who has been cheated on. And the minimum that a traitor or a traitor can do in such a situation is to apologize for the betrayal.