Reason one. Perfectionism
Of course. Where would we be without him? I didn’t even doubt that he would emerge.
The well-known phenomenon of “perfectionist paralysis”: when the desire to do everything perfectly turns into doing nothing.
Noticing yourself is inhibiting the desire to do everything perfectly. But very often - for the result, it is better to do it quickly and with errors than to do it perfectly and never!
You can tell yourself as much as you want that you want the perfect result. But perfectionism is never about the result. It's about fears and an unsatisfied ego. It's about the inner Critic who is never satisfied. There simply is no such thing as an ideal result in an imperfect world!
the important thing is so big that the fear of starting, even unfounded, gets in the way.
Then the same question comes to the rescue: “How will you understand that you have achieved THAT SAME result? What are the criteria for the result that is needed and needed in this situation?” That's when the specifics begin.
Reason two. Excess of wishes
This is a very interesting reason that resonated with a very large number of my friends.
I want to start/say/do it so quickly that my head runs ahead of my hands and comes up with a new idea. The old one depreciates a little against the background of the new one, hence the uncertainty that I still want it and, as a result, NOT doing one. Because for every new one there is another new one, and there is no longer enough energy to reach the old ones to the desired state.
Or:
I’ve come up with enough ideas for a couple of volumes, but you start sorting through and don’t know what to take on - everything is so interesting that you want everything at once. I dose it, control myself, put it in a queue, tried to throw it on the windows - still what wins is what I’m interested in at the moment.
If I had this, I would ask myself the question: what do I really want to achieve by starting a new business? We are used to thinking that if we start something new, it means we want to see the result. This is true, but the result may be different! Perhaps, when starting to knit a scarf, you don’t want a scarf, but the pleasure of creativity? Maybe you just want some special emotions or state? Or maybe the intermediate result is enough for you, for example, you have already knitted a third of the scarf, and that’s it, you let go, because your result has been achieved?
What exactly do I want to get out of my new idea? How will I understand that I have achieved the same result?
If I don’t understand what I really want to get, then naturally my attention is scattered across several objects, and it turns out that nothing is given due attention, and something is completely neglected.
And such a “dispersion of wants” leads to the fact that you have more wants than you have - real strength.
there are much more desires than resources: temporary and other. Then it turns out: the desire is sincere, there is motivation, but hands don’t reach
There is a good exercise for this. Make a list of all the things you want/need to do today. And then next to each task, put the approximate time to complete it. This is a good reality check: is everything that you have planned for yourself even possible to do in the allotted time? Maybe it will take you three days to do all this? After all, we often plan more than we can actually do, and then we ask the question “How can we manage to do everything?” No way! Planning needs to change. First, identify your priorities. Then, objectively evaluate the available resources and allocate time and effort to what is most important.
I recommend reading: Time management. Workshop. Part 1: assessing your own priorities Time management. Workshop. Part 2: how to manage everything?
By the way, if a person knows such a feature about himself (that he starts a lot, and rarely finishes anything), then this awareness alone can easily demotivate.
Starting, most often, is interesting and when you start, it’s not interesting and lazy to continue... As soon as I think about it, I don’t start :)))
I'm stupid and I don't know how to do anything
This thought crept into my head back in school, but it didn’t leave me during my studies at the university, when I was moving from a bad grade to a bad grade. I wasn’t particularly interested in studying, so my knowledge passed me by. Then a distribution job, an engineering position and a small salary. Needless to say, there was cronyism in the office that completely ruined my chances of moving up?
I understood perfectly well that I was not grabbing stars from the sky. There were no prospects, and even less useful knowledge. There was no expectation of a miracle and they didn’t take me to another job. I tried everywhere, but failed everywhere. What could I do when there was wind in my head and my hands were out of my ass? At such a moment I realized that I was stupid, stupid and hopeless. Is this a familiar state?
When you feel like a nobody, you behave accordingly. I hardly met any girls, and my pathetic attempts ended in fiasco and a broken heart. I had nothing to offer the girl, and hence the inferiority complex and reluctance to start a family. I didn’t want to create poverty. What good girl would marry me? There are no bad ones. I didn't have any friends either.
John Vicente, Unsplash
Reason three. Laziness
In reality, laziness does not exist. What is called laziness is reluctance. You're not lazy. You just don't feel like doing it. And, if this is really the case, then I want to ask a question: why was it important for you to take on a task that you don’t want to do?
There may be doubts about whether this is exactly what I want. If I WANT it for sure, I do it quickly.
When I get a task that causes my reluctance, I analyze where it came from. Then I either understand where it came from, and what distant goal it is approaching, and the DESIRE to do it appears. Or I understand that this goal is not mine, which means I can give it up. And don't do it at all.
If you don’t do it, it means you really don’t want it enough to waste energy on it.
Reason four. It's not time yet
It hasn’t “ripened” yet. There is no willingness to do this. It may sound strange from the outside, but it seems to me that almost everyone is familiar with it.
I think a lot about this: why must it “ripen” first, and if it hasn’t “ripened”, then it won’t be written, it won’t be done, it won’t begin, and if by force I got down to business with a “kick,” then it still won’t be good until will not “ripen” somewhere in the soul or in the head...
Interestingly, this problem cannot be solved with a kick or willpower. There are currently no resources for this task and/or some required component is missing. Sooner or later, resources and components will be found, or the task will lose its relevance.
When you think about this, you immediately ask yourself the question: is it possible to shorten this time to “mature”? I think it’s possible, but is it really necessary?
Also, the reason “it’s not time yet” fits perfectly into what I would call “rational-looking procrastination for later.” This is when you say to yourself: well, I’ll start running on Saturday, I’d better wait until Monday. Although Monday and Saturday are objectively no better. Or: I won’t sign up for this training yet, I’ll first read a few books on the topic to figure it out. Or: now I can’t afford to go to a painting master class, I need to knit a sweater first.
Waiting for a “convenient moment” (“when no one will interfere,” “when I have 4 hours free,” “when I have studied the issue sufficiently,” “when I have completed what I have already started”), etc.
From the outside, such arguments are often sewn with white threads and bursting at the seams, but from the inside they feel quite reasonable. However, in essence, this is procrastination caused by a well-disguised reluctance to do.
Requests for help Write your story I should not have been born. I am a mistake in the system... I cannot find my place in life. It always seemed to me, from childhood, that the main thing was to find my own business. “Find something you love and you won’t have to work anymore,” say quotes from successful people... but it turned out that I don’t have the necessary abilities for this... Only dreams. I have already completed my studies several years ago. I worked for a while, but then quit...decided that I deserved something better...it turned out that I didn’t. At my last job, I constantly made mistakes, did everything wrong, ruined everything. I don’t know why this happens...bungler...I don’t understand what they’re telling me. It’s as if I’m in a shell, as if something is holding me tightly, not allowing me to move, to open my mouth... I’m already well into my twenties and if this continues, by the time I’m thirty I’ll definitely do something to myself. It’s unlikely that you can hope for anything further... I didn’t have a good job. I can't find anything for quite a long time. Because I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of responsibility, that I won't be able to cope. I'm afraid of people. I’m afraid of everything and everyone... I can’t find anything in my specialty in my city, and I don’t want to... past experience was enough for me. I don’t even know who I’ll retrain for. How not to make a mistake again. I can't do anything. I don't have any abilities. The level of development remained at the student level. The only things that keep me from going crazy are books, the Internet, movies... Now I’m trying to find something simple but stable. Like a security guard or those...who place goods in supermarkets. They’ll just look at me again at the interview and think – what the hell? I've never had a girlfriend. I can’t even imagine what it’s like... a girl... I, accordingly, have never had any relationships with the female sex... I don’t want to go to women of easy virtue. I don’t want to pick up anything, and I don’t have any money... It seemed to me that everything should happen to a normal girl, love and all that... how stupid. Now I understand that this only happens in movies... Why don’t I have a girlfriend? Again, fear, inability and unwillingness to speak. Well, and the lack of masculinity... I have always envied those who can just chat about nothing. Sometimes, while walking in the park, I imagine that I’m walking with a girl, like the couple passing by... and even this thought makes me scared... Although, self-realization worries me much more than relationships. Only loneliness... the worst thing is the night. I live alone, separately from my parents. And I'm always afraid to sleep alone at night. I turn on the TV on a timer, leave the light on in the hallway or in the bathroom at night... I have no friends. It seems like there were, but for some reason everyone moved away...probably because I’m boring. Even as a child, my friends abandoned me for another company. It’s the same now... In the company of guys, I also don’t know what to talk about... they talk about girls, sex, cars, booze... I don’t understand them. I have to remain silent... Classmates and fellow students got married, many in good positions. Sometimes I go to their pages and want to cry... My classmates probably wouldn’t be surprised if they saw me in the position of some kind of janitor... It would probably be easier for my parents too, probably... although they hope that I will help them in my old age. I constantly have health problems. A lot of money is spent on treatment and nothing really helps...only losses. My parents still hope that I will have a family, children, a normal job... although, due to health reasons, it seems that I won’t have children... It’s a pity that they don’t have children besides me. They constantly tell me - I need to be open, I need to be quicker, I need to be more confident... especially during interviews, when I start mumbling something... You won’t become smart just by snapping your fingers... I’m stuck... I’m lonely. Scared of the future. It’s scary that I will never find my place in life... It’s as if I’m in a crowd of passers-by who are in a hurry, running, touching somewhere... and I’m standing among them and don’t know where to go, and most importantly, why... Of course, in The fact that I ended up in this situation is only my fault... partly it’s my character, complexes... When someone dies, they always say how he wanted to live, made plans, etc. And I? Why am I here? ...tried to remember if there was at least something good in me. Some talents, abilities. There is a craving for creativity. Even some abilities in this direction... I would like to be creative... Nothing really useful... I just want to die. Support the site:
Sal Paradise, age: 27/12/05/2015
Responses:
Hello. Modesty is certainly not a bad thing, but the main thing is that it does not interfere with your life. Your parents are right, and you are partly too. But no one will live your life except you, so work on yourself, look for a job, you can do something through “I don’t want to.” In fact, for parents you are the only support and support, this should also be an incentive. The more you close yourself off from people, the more difficult it will be to get out of your closed state. Talk to a psychologist, maybe some things will become clearer to you. I wish you success!
Irina, age: 28 / 12/05/2015
Hello! Listen! Here's what I think: regarding the girl. It’s not a problem to find, the problem is to be happy, than to think nonsense about young ladies of easy virtue, it’s better to ask God to send a girl with whom you can live your whole life happily. Regarding work: the work of a janitor is not shameful. It's a shame to be a thief. And recently I heard that a girl got a job as a cleaner, and now works as a warehouse manager at the same enterprise. The salary he receives is quite decent. Many enterprises now provide opportunities for career growth (especially large chain stores). Maybe it's worth a try? And also register on a job search site, Hell Hunter, for example. They have an interesting, in my opinion, newsletter: how to behave during an interview, how to write a resume, etc. And yet, there is no need to envy the picture of life shown on social networks. And don’t pay attention to other people’s opinions. It is better to be a janitor, but not a thief, it is better to be alone, but not to look for easy pleasures, it is better to be alive, we receive a reward for patience, but not for insolence.
Irina, age: 27 / 12/05/2015
Well, yes, I know someone like that, but he doesn’t want to help himself, there is no girlfriend, that’s understandable, I was shy too, I lost my virginity only after the army, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I went to the cops, then Chechnya (contract), then family... you think I found it myself? No! and I had thoughts of suicide, and many of us ended up doing this because of my wife (girlfriend), but I thought I was weak, but it turned out to be strong. I went through all this, lost all my friends, my dad, but found my back and fell in love! Now everything is fine, when we don’t quarrel, I carry the burden in our arms, when, on the contrary, we are ready to kill each other, in general, it’s an idyll with bandages. I’m forty, and you’re young, and if you don’t go through the process of growing up at the most interesting level, it’s simply a failure on your part to complete the game. become a posthumous lochner. And the life of the soul continues after death, but... when it’s natural, you’re with your relatives, when it’s not, you’re on the dark side of the earth, and this has long been proven!!!
Alekcs, age: 38 / 12/05/2015
Hello, the person on the other side of the screen. Well... you are right in one thing, that the problem is only in you. But this is all fixable, but death is not. You have come up with some strange complexes for yourself! You have life! You are young, the whole world is in front of you, you just have to look from a different angle! Don’t like the city? You can go to another one. The same thing with work, you can, for example, get a job as a waiter, find new friends/acquaintances. No girlfriend? This means that the one we need has not been found. Girls love with their ears, so develop yourself, engage in your creativity, read, watch films. Just believe for a minute that life is wonderful, that you are a good person! Everyone has difficulties and can cope with everything because they believe in good things! Good luck to you!
Alisa, age: 16 / 05.12.2015
I'm 21, I have the same problems, plus a serious illness. Only I had virtually no work experience. I have nowhere to get money. I don’t want to take it from my parents, since I’m already hanging around their necks in the apartment. So you still have a normal search for yourself! Just don't stop looking! EVERY person has some kind of talent. And the fact that you are thinking about your calling is a sign of remarkable intelligence and consciousness. You should work in the field of helping other people... It’s just that shyness and complexes, along with corresponding fears, need to be treated with direct contact, with combat. I'm sure, you understand what I'm talking about. Perhaps Wallace's book "The Yes Man" will help you, read it, maybe you will reconsider your life... Good luck to you! I believe in you!
Roman, age: 21/12/05/2015
you know, there are a lot more introverts than you think. More than half of the people with whom you interact at work or at home are actually closed people, tired of communicating with people, and not very self-confident. This must be clearly understood. You are not an exception. And you are not superfluous. Communication skills can be developed like any other. If a person has never run, he is unlikely to run a 10-kilometer cross-country race. But if he trains little by little, runs at least a kilometer every day, then in a year he might succeed. So it is with communication. Develop these skills. Sign up for courses. Rhetoric, for example. It is also useful to work in sales. Whether you want it or not, you will have to establish relationships with people, look for common points of contact. This is all being developed. Don't be afraid of anything. Everything should work out. Others succeed. You can also meet a girl through the Internet. Topics for the first meeting can be prepared in advance. It's OK. Practice. Don't be afraid of failure. Are you all right. Well, for lower positions, I wouldn’t think about such opportunities. Once you learn to communicate, you will better understand other people, their desires, and everything will work out. There is no need to lower yourself if life does not force you to do so. Fight. And don't give up. It seems to me that it is better to immediately look for a girl for a serious relationship, for marriage. There will be less disappointment. But there are such girls, and there are many of them.
Olya, age: 42 / 12/05/2015
Listen, why didn’t you try to meet people on dating sites?? It is always easier to write than to approach. This is where the room for maneuver is. Moreover, you are a GUY, and God himself told you to be the first to take the initiative when meeting someone, this is NORMAL!! But for us girls, it is much harder and more difficult in this regard; we are forced to be in a more vulnerable and dependent position on the male sex. For me personally, it’s humiliating to be the first to “jump up.” That's the problem with girls. And you are a man! All in your hands. There you can easily find experience communicating with the opposite sex. Try! Just make a beautiful, attractive, friendly avatar and off you go! Be confident, even cocky, girls like it. But don’t force yourself if anything happens. Play with self-confidence until it really comes to you. I think everything will work out for you!
Kurara, age: 25/12/05/2015
You know, I was touched by your phrase “It’s as if I’m in a crowd of passers-by who are in a hurry, running, touching somewhere... and I’m standing among them and don’t know where to go, and most importantly - why...” I think everyone has it sometimes , and it’s very difficult with him.. Maybe, in order to get rid of these thoughts, people begin to somehow get distracted, come up with things to do - and then, lo and behold, they’re already in a hurry, running, hurting... I had this feeling for a very long time. And at some point it was no longer possible to escape from him! It was very difficult... And so, it seems to me, something happened, and I saw that in addition to the road along which everyone is running, there is still a lot of beautiful, extraordinary, unnoticed in life... We must continue to look, although it is difficult, try to feel it and you will find. I found this in the Church - and now it seems to me that this is the only place to look for it. Try it too.
Marina, age: 30 / 12/06/2015
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Reason five. Hands don't reach
This is partly due to the reason “excess of wants,” but not only. We are generally talking about situations when there is more planned and needed than you have the strength and time to do.
When you say “your hands don’t get around to this,” it actually means “your hands get to a lot of other things, but not this.” This means they are finally getting somewhere! Until what? And why is your life arranged this way? And are you really happy with this state of affairs? And if not, what would you like to change?
Soul and psyche
The psyche is, of course, connected with the brain in the sense that no brain means no psyche. But this is not a direct connection. Consciousness and the brain are more connected, but also not identical. It is possible to damage areas of the brain that will not affect the psyche in any way. For example, the respiratory center can be damaged: a person will stop breathing, but his psyche will be completely normal. He will live and breathe with the help of a device.
The psyche and consciousness are also not identical. Does a mentally retarded person have consciousness? Of course there is, but it is changed. There is oppression of consciousness, and there is change. For example, under the influence of low pressure, when the blood supply to the brain is disrupted, a person answers questions poorly, is confused, and inhibited - this is depression of consciousness. And a change in consciousness is precisely a mental disorder. A schizophrenic has an altered consciousness. But the soul functions!
Reason six. Fear of failure
I don't believe what will happen. I'm afraid that I'll try and it won't work, then is it worth starting?
This fear often conflicts with logic and reasonable arguments... and it doesn't help.
Consciously thinking, I’m not afraid to screw up, because I’ve never been an excellent student. But something else sits in the subconscious.
You're not even afraid of what won't work out. And if it doesn’t work out, you will become an object of ridicule - from others or yourself. You are afraid of the inner Critic, you are afraid of not living up to your own ideas about yourself, you are afraid that you are not as strong, smart and beautiful as you think about yourself - and you are not able to withstand this truth.
one of the main reasons for inhibition and procrastination is self-doubt and fears that nothing will work out, thereby I will receive a negative assessment from others
To overcome fear, you need to call on something that is stronger than it, and shift the focus of attention from yourself to something more.
For what purpose - a bright, motivating, inspiring, beautiful goal - would you still be ready to do this? What inspires you so much that you stop being afraid?
Moral relativism
Life would be much simpler if good and evil were fixed, absolute concepts - but often we are faced with the fact that what is good in one situation may be evil in another. By becoming less categorical about what is good and what is bad, we are approaching moral relativism - an ethical principle that denies the dichotomous separation of the concepts of “good” and “evil” and does not recognize the existence of mandatory moral norms and categories. Moral relativism, unlike moral absolutism, does not believe that there are absolute universal moral standards and principles. It is not morality that dominates the situation, but the situation over morality, that is, it is not just the fact of some action that is important, but its context.
The philosophical doctrine of “permissiveness” recognizes each individual’s right to form his own system of values and his own idea of the categories of good and evil and allows us to assert that morality is, in essence, a relative concept. The question is what a particular person will think of when he adopts such a concept - Raskolnikov’s famous motto, “Am I a trembling creature, or do I have the right?” also grew out of the idea of moral relativism.
This idea can be interpreted in different ways - from “nothing sacred” to “don’t blindly force life into narrow boundaries.” In any case, the range of questions that moral relativism poses is a useful mental exercise and a good test of any beliefs.
Reason eight. Fear of starting
This fear is partly related to the fear of failure, but it can also manifest itself independently. When you're just having a hard time... getting started. Open Word, take the knitting needles, get up from the chair, open the trunk. You know for sure that as soon as you start, you will get involved and at least partially do it (this is true, we are designed in such a way that once we start, we stay in the flow for some time). But it's hard to start. It seems to you that the task is more difficult than it actually is.
I’m afraid to start, just to start, then I know that everything will go like clockwork, but it’s difficult to start. This is fear of the unknown, of difficulties.
I haven’t figured out how to deal with this yet. I think the best medicine is to start doing it before you start to reflect and be lazy.
Reason nine. No forces
Constant fatigue. No energy. Maybe you are sick. Maybe you are depressed. Maybe some activity is forced to take all your strength. But the result is the same - there is not enough strength.
In any case, we need to get out of this. Take medications prescribed by your doctor. Do yoga or meditation to restore energy exchange and become stronger. Remove everything unnecessary from your life. Or just wait until the end of this period. But definitely get out.
Reason ten. No clear outcome in the near future
Most of us (most, but not all) are wired in such a way that we would rather eat a cookie now than a cake in a month. In this sense, all tasks formulated globally are demotivating. Because, for example, the goal of “knitting a scarf” is clear and self-evident: when you knit a scarf, you will have a scarf. But the goal “learn English” or “take care of your health” – what is it about? Let's say I started learning English. What will this bring me, exactly?
In my mind, intentions related to delayed results end up on the back burner. That is, for example, washing a window or dismantling a closet is no problem, but starting to study something regularly is no problem.
If this is your case, then a good tip would be to slow down your time goal, focusing on the shortest immediate segments.
What result will satisfy me in a month? How will I understand that I'm doing well in a week? The answers to these questions will help, firstly, to concentrate, and secondly, to feel the taste of success and victory.
Perhaps at first your demands on yourself will be too high, and you will realize that you are achieving only 60-70% of what you planned. But it's still much better than feeling like you haven't achieved anything.
What should I do if I don’t know how to do anything?
I don't know how to achieve anything. It was a comfortable position for me. She allowed me to drink beer after work, immerse myself in computer games and live with my parents. But at one point I wanted to change everything, when another cool girl left me alone.
How did it happen that I can’t do anything? I decided to reconsider all the advantages and disadvantages that I had.
Inability to communicate
The inability to communicate with people led to problems with friends and significant other. They always said that you need to read books. To start, I picked up Dale Carnegie's book How to Win Friends and Influence People. She brought me some understanding of interacting with people.
The book taught me to smile more often and be more positive in order to please people. I stopped criticizing, judging and speaking negatively. I began to praise, compliment and express my approval to others more often. I started visiting new places to expand my social circle and show interest in other people. If you want people to like you, then you need to be interested in their lives, opinions and moods. Gradually, I learned to listen to people and find topics of conversation that they are curious about. Listen more, argue less and pay more attention.
The inability to communicate has been my bane for many years. But after several months of training, I managed to find a couple of friends, as well as interesting companies. I don’t know anything and I can’t do anything? No, I managed to improve my communication skills by reading a few more books on psychology.
Jordan Heath, Unsplash
Active lifestyle
I didn’t want to stop there. The reflection in the mirror showed an unpleasant picture. I was not handsome, but rather the opposite. Getting a gym membership was my next step. In six months I began to look much better, and most importantly, more confident. The face cannot be made more beautiful without surgery, but the body can be made more beautiful.
If I had known, I would have started playing sports much earlier. Sport gave me muscles, great energy, an athletic figure and iron-clad self-confidence. Now those who wanted to punch me in the face preferred not to bother, seeing my even posture and iron gaze. It wasn’t even so much the increased muscle mass as the appearance of an internal core.
Soon I found myself a girlfriend.
Nathan Dumlao, Unsplash
Lack of knowledge and experience
I didn’t want to be stupid at work and in the professional sphere. My specialty made me feel nauseous and want to get drunk. I was a complete zero when it comes to professional skills. I started by learning English, like most people who want change. English was difficult and slow, but this gave me confidence. Psychologists say that people study foreign languages to improve their self-esteem. It helped me.
The crappy job was driving me into depression. I completed one online course, a second, a third. I could no longer say that “I don’t know anything and I can’t do anything.” There were some layers of thoughts in my head, but they were not enough. I continued to cram and gain new knowledge in the IT field. But I was not called for interviews. My city was small, and my knowledge was modest. But that didn't stop me from trying to grow further.
I deleted computer games so that in the evenings I could do only study and business. In times of loss of self-confidence, I downloaded them back and installed them. Then again games and sleepless nights, and in the mornings to the hated work. I sat down for courses again and deleted the games. It was a long struggle, with varying success.
Jefferson Santos on Unsplash
But still... why?
Ever since I started coaching, I have been extremely interested in one topic. Why, for what reasons do we act and, conversely, do not act? Why is it that in one case we just take it and do it, or even rush without looking at the obstacles, in another case we need to force ourselves to get the job done, and in the third - we don’t even want to lift a finger at all? What distinguishes the first tasks from the second, and the second from the third? What is so different about those tasks that seem to be completed by themselves, and you don’t even need to think about them? What works or, conversely, doesn't work?
This question is not about motivation (how to help yourself do something), it is deeper. About our deepest reasons. About our choices, conscious and unconscious, our reactions, our priorities, our fears and our desires.
And here's another interesting thing. After all, some things are still done, despite fears. Why is it done in one case, but in another the fear is stronger? Why do you think? Write in the comments.
Lyudmila Prima personal achievement coach
Post views: 49,078
AND WHERE DO OUR “WANTS” DISAPPEAR...
- Well, okay, you say. - What about my desires? Where do they end up disappearing to?
They are repressed into the unconscious. Your “I want” is isolated as threatening. It causes fear, anxiety, guilt and threatens your self-esteem. Therefore, your consciousness uses one of the psychological defense mechanisms to isolate it.
As Wikipedia says: (click to expand)
“A defense mechanism (psychological defense) is an unconscious mental process aimed at minimizing negative experiences”
And further:
“The functional purpose and goal of psychological defense is to weaken the intrapersonal conflict (tension, anxiety) caused by the contradiction between the instinctive impulses of the unconscious and the learned demands of the external environment that arise as a result of social interaction. By weakening this conflict, protection regulates a person’s behavior, increasing his adaptability and balancing the psyche.”
(Phew-hoo. I love the definitions from Wikipedia. It feels as if someone has just smoothed out the last wrinkles with a hot iron... Like Winnie the Pooh, complex words only frustrate me. And Wikipedia is clearly written by a Rabbit, for other Rabbits...)
I'll try to put it more simply. What do WE need to know about these mechanisms?
MECHANISMS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSE
We all use them to a greater or lesser extent unconsciously. And in themselves, they are neither good nor bad, their role is to protect us from unnecessary worries, negative emotions, stress and even depression. (i.e. also harmonize yourself with the world and with yourself)
This happens, however, by distorting reality, and in “severe” cases, by completely denying it. We unconsciously rotate it so that we feel psychologically comfortable.
That is, on the path to harmony, we can follow the route: I want->I wish->I make a choice->I act. Or we can twist reality in such a way that we don’t want or want it. From the point of view of ease of achieving comfort and harmony, the final choice may be to choose the second path. There are definitely fewer negative experiences, and the short-term result, compared to moving along the path of desires, is more predictable.
Problems arise when we use psychological defense mechanisms too often. We cannot achieve our goals. (despite the fact that there are fewer of them) Most of these mechanisms are generated by our reaction to society and psychologists directly associate the excessive use of these mechanisms with the path of a loser. Our desire to “fit in”, to be (consider ourselves) a good parent, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, citizen, etc.
“But he is a good man,” they say about the groom, who looks like an obvious nonentity. (Sergey Dovlatov)
That is, to subordinate our desires to the demands of others.
And in order not to feel inferior at this moment (due to the fact that the desires of society and ours do not coincide), we use psychological defense mechanisms. For example:
CROWDING OUT
REPLACEMENT is the involuntary movement of unacceptable impulses into the unconscious.
In order to avoid intrapersonal conflict, it is necessary to control “forbidden” desires and impulses. “Forbidden” is in quotation marks because their prohibition does not mean the presence of any pathology in them. They are “forbidden” due to their inconsistency with the role in society that you voluntarily accepted.
Following these desires can cause you, for example, a feeling of guilt and, according to the logic of this defense mechanism, so that, on the one hand, you do not feel guilty, and on the other, you do not experience frustration and discomfort from the fact that your desires are not fulfilled - you, unconsciously, REPLACE your desires.
NEGATION
DENIAL can allow a person to preventively, proactively, isolate himself from traumatic events. This is how, for example, fear of failure operates - a person strives not to find himself in a situation in which he could fail. Avoiding competitions, refusing activities in which you are not strong (especially in comparison with others) - all these are classic examples of DENIAL.
That is, if you have a traumatic experience of not achieving your goals and thus not fulfilling your desires, then the denial mechanism can preemptively remove you from life's competition by simply removing your desire to participate in it.
RATIONALIZATION
The inaccessibility of our objects of desire (real or imaginary) can be perceived by us as our failure, failure. Then, in order to maintain self-respect, we reduce the value of our aspirations. We say to ourselves: “Come on... I didn’t really want to!”
In Krylov’s fable “The Fox and the Grapes,” the Fox refuses his desire to taste the grapes:
...She went and said with annoyance: “Well! He looks good.
(And rationalizes his refusal:)
Yes it is green - there are no ripe berries: You will immediately set your teeth on edge
Rationalization is common to many people. And the question, rather, is to adequately assess the achievability of our goals and how quickly we give up. Quickly giving up what we want and feeling like we don't want anything - are they really that different?
FANTASY (DREAM)
By fantasizing, in our dreams we experience the achievement of some goal, which in real life may seem unattainable to us. We compensate for our inadequacy, incompetence and other “non-”. We “sort of” (perhaps repeatedly) experience the realization of our “want” and picture in our imagination: “Done!” This allows us to no longer return to this “I want” - it’s already in the past, isn’t it? Well, well, that’s what I have about...
The full list of possible psychological defense mechanisms is quite large. And many of these tools can be used to replace, sublimate, hide and devalue our real desires.
Whether such behavior will be characteristic of a particular person depends on the characteristics of the individual, the experience he has experienced and the characteristics of the social environment. The latter - because a person develops and begins to use all these psychological mechanisms solely as a reaction to the pressure of society, to bring his “I” into an optimal position, taking into account (albeit unconsciously) perceived social norms. And how exactly YOU perceived them, how rigid these frames are for you - whether they form a dotted line for you, a fence or a concrete impenetrable wall - all this will shape your space for choosing desires.
It is worth mentioning separately about learned helplessness syndrome.
LEARNED HELPLESSNESS
is not, in itself, a psychological defense mechanism. Rather, she can use a whole bunch of defense mechanisms (such as those listed above, plus regression, intellectualization, etc.)
Briefly, the essence of learned (or acquired) helplessness is that a person stops trying to do something if previous attempts ended in failure. The obvious part of this condition can be described with the following example: Suppose a young man asks a girl out on a date, but is refused. After some time, he invites another - again followed by a refusal. He no longer invites the third (or fourth, fifth). Stops trying.
And the less obvious part is that his motivation to do something in parallel areas of life also decreases. Perceiving yourself as a failure based on failure in one area can translate to all areas of your life.
It is especially dangerous to acquire this syndrome in childhood. The child is defenseless, his self-esteem is almost entirely in the hands of his parents. And if his parents constantly criticize him: “you’re incompetent,” “you can’t achieve anything,” “whoever does this, move away, I’d rather do everything myself,” then this message becomes the person’s attitude for life. He stops even wanting to achieve anything or change anything in his life. For what? All the same, a) nothing will work out b) he doesn’t deserve it.
The adult world is also cruel. An authoritarian leadership style, for example, kills initiative – i.e. the desire to do something yourself and get a positive psychological response. An imbalance in family relationships can also turn one of the spouses into a weak-willed rag who doesn’t want anything.
But let’s not blame all sins on others. A series of failures in life can also lead a person to such a state - you do it, you fight like a fish on ice and... - nothing. The result is zero. Naturally, one gives up...
