Remember that it is normal to experience pain.
We react painfully to rejection, no matter what it concerns: friendship, romantic relationships or communication with colleagues.
Once upon a time, such a reaction was necessary for survival. When we lived in tribes, being rejected and cast out from the community was practically death. Therefore, if someone rejects us, a chemical reaction occurs in the brain so strong that it causes physical pain. After this we go through several stages. We blame ourselves first. It seems to us that we have somehow upset the other person. Then we experience humiliation and shame, and feel our own weakness. We try to win the favor of this person again. “It’s not even because we want to please him,” explains psychotherapist Sean Grover, “it’s just that we don’t like feeling that someone doesn’t like us.” We end up feeling like a failure.
These sensations are unpleasant, but completely normal. The main thing is not to focus on them and move on.
You miss him
If you catch yourself thinking that you are missing this person , you are bored, then this speaks of affection and even falling in love. Especially if at the same time you have become sensitive and sentimental.
Psychologists say that falling in love is always accompanied by emotional leaps
If you constantly think about a person and have become very sensitive, then this definitely indicates tenderness and affection on your part.
Do you miss this person
Don't blame yourself for everything
Due to the openly expressed hostility of others, many begin to doubt themselves. But don't forget: people's actions are usually explained by their own problems and experiences. It's not about you personally or the other person, it's about both of you.
It’s just that this particular person at this particular moment in life is incompatible with you.
In addition, the other person's disposition has a lot to do with the benefit you bring to him, even if unconsciously. “This shows up in animals as well,” said Jennifer Verdolin, an animal behavior researcher at Duke University. “They prefer to spend time with individuals who are similar to them in status, personality or genetic ties.”
If you don't have anything in common that is valuable to both parties, you will be rejected. It's almost inevitable.
Projection
Projection is a psychological defense mechanism.
Psychologists define it as “psychological strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety arising from unacceptable thoughts or feelings.”
Ironically, if we didn't like someone as a child and someone reminds us of that person, we may act judgmental or negative towards them.
When we do this, we get a negative reaction. In a sense, history repeats itself and reinforces our negative impression of the new person.
However, if we take a step back and look at our behavior, it may help.
No two people are the same. Our children may look and act like us, but assuming they are “just like us” is a projection and can hide their growing individuality from us.
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We may unintentionally see in them traits that we don't like about ourselves. As parents, we must help them discover their evolving, unique selves.
Our boss may remind us of a critical parent, but if we act like an angry child, we may be setting the stage for serious work conflict.
Have you ever pre-judged someone and then feel like they don't like you? You may have used projection.
People may look like childhood bullies, but they are not. And if you are biased towards them, you will receive the same reaction in return, thereby you will begin to spoil relationships that have not yet arisen.
Once you realize what you're projecting, you can stop it and get to know the new person you just met.
Analyze your behavior
Don't blame yourself if someone doesn't like you. However, if this happens constantly, try to look at your behavior objectively.
Ask to explain the reason why you were rejected. For example, you have been told that you brag a lot or are self-centered. Think about whether there is some truth in this. Analyze your behavior. If you really do this and it makes other people uncomfortable, work on yourself.
Just don't overdo it. Of course, some of your habits may annoy others. But often it simply reflects that person's fears, prejudices, or unpleasant memories.
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Make new friends gradually
When we find ourselves in a new circle of people, we feel lonely. For example, at a new job or after moving to another city. In such situations, the relationships of others have already been established - it is easy to feel like an outsider.
Integrate into your new surroundings gradually. For example, invite one of your colleagues to have lunch together. But don't try to join the group right away. Contact the person who is most friendly.
Not everyone is ready to welcome you with open arms right away. Focus on those who show a willingness to step forward.
Spend more time with those who appreciate you
Surely you have at least a few people you can rely on in difficult times. Communicate with them more often. This will increase your self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
Strengthen your relationships with people who value you. This is healthier than worrying about those who rejected you.
And remember that the best way to make true friendships is to be sincere. Don't expect everyone to come to you. This attitude will not attract others to you at all.
People who like me don't like me
The picky bride. Artist: Pavel Andreevich Fedotov
“I don’t like people who like me. And those who like me don’t like me!” - a very common sadness (usually female) and a topic for consultation. What is worth thinking about here?
It must be admitted that there is a very real circumstance behind this: there are indeed fewer normal men than normal women. If we don’t consider the elite and the crap (it’s hard to reach the elite, and we’re not interested in crap), then on average the ratio of decent women to men is two to one. That is, two women have to fight for the attention of one normal man. It's sad, but true. You need to accept this as a fact and simply think about what you can do personally in such a difficult situation.
What can really be done?
First. If a girl has a wide circle of good friends and interesting acquaintances, if she goes where worthy young people are, it is easier for her to attract the attention of those men who will please her. The narrower the circle of contacts, the more difficult the choice. Accordingly, one of your important tasks is to expand your circle of interesting contacts.
Second. Some girls, although they talk about their low self-esteem, actually overestimate their attractiveness. With adequate self-esteem, a girl understands that she can choose young people only among those who surround her and react to her. Since there is no other choice anyway, we need to find the best choice available.
Is it possible not to choose anyone if there are only boors and morons around? Can. But then calmly accept that for now you will have to be alone, and think about where you should move or how to change your social circle so that decent men will appear around you. Of course, they still exist.
More often, however, we are not talking about completely crappy options, more often you just don’t want to date someone who is not attracted to your chosen one, with whom you can’t fall in love. What to do in this case? In this case, it’s better to start dating anyway, if only so as not to sit at home all alone and, more importantly, to learn how to successfully build relationships with men.
You can call it training for future happy relationships. Training is important in any business, and if you can go to a dance or a bar with a young man, it still enriches you with experience, you learn to negotiate, have an interesting conversation, learn not to be offended and care. This is not about sex or marriage - it’s just about gaining experience in communication and building relationships. If you practice with someone who is just a nice young man for you, you will feel more confident with someone who will be truly dear to you.
Third: remember the solution to the problem of the picky bride. The task is interesting. If the bride communicates with the applicants in random order, and each time it is clear (it is clear that this is an assumption - in life everything is more complicated: it is not always clear who is better and who is worse), whether he is better or worse than any of the previous ones, then how to choose the best from applicants? If you agree early, you will get an inferior one, if you choose for too long, there is a risk that you have already missed the best, and everyone else will only be worse. Which is correct? Mathematicians have studied this issue for a long time, the solution is the following: estimate the total number of possible applicants and divide by three (more precisely, by 2.718281...). The resulting number is the number of people you should reject. After that, take anyone who is better than all the previous ones . Do you remember? In any case (we remind you again), you should make sure that you have a larger number of applicants.
In fact, this is the most important thing. Consider the situation “People who like me don’t like me” as your tasks. Look at yourself from the outside (it’s useful to consult with smart people) and try to understand what in yourself needs to be adjusted, changed, improved so that you become more attractive. Most likely, you are not yet perfect and not an elite woman. Think about what you should start doing to raise your price on the marriage market, what to do to make you like yourself more and charm others.
If it seems that behind a woman’s failure to get married is actually a fear of family life, avoidance of future difficulties and troubles, it makes sense to clearly formulate this as her real obstacle, set her the task of independently changing her attitude towards the family and, for example, write a bright essay "My happy family future."
What do we recommend? Come to the Training Room. At “Communication Mastery”, train yourself to think like adults, at “Managing Emotions” you will stop being offended and become the Sun, at women’s trainings you will add the charm of femininity to yourself. Everything will work out!
Test “I am Sunshine”
The “I am Sunshine” test is a convenient way for women to find out their prospects for family happiness. By answering simple questions, you will receive a description of your future chosen one, and will also receive recommendations on what you should pay attention to to make your personal life happier. Take the test...
Video from Yana Schastie: interview with psychology professor N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be to get married successfully? How many times do men get married? Why are there not enough normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A fairy tale that could not have happened better. Payment for the opportunity to be near a beautiful woman.
