There are many methods and practices aimed at fulfilling desires and achieving goals. And many of them give excellent results. But for some people there is a pressing problem to which it is useless to apply all these methods. I'm talking about those who don't know what they want. It doesn't really help when someone offers you a ride and you can't articulate where you want to go, right?
There are quite a lot of people who do not know their true desires. And these are not only those who live as if by inertia, do not set goals, do not dream. Unfortunately, most of those who are confident that they know their desires actually strive for other people's goals or make forced choices. Therefore, the information I want to share here will be useful for almost everyone.
Why do people rarely understand what they really need?
This happens for various reasons. Often we confuse our own desires with forced ones imposed by society. In addition, our thoughts are usually too busy with daily needs. Sometimes a person is simply forced to fight for survival, and he has no time to figure out whether wealth will lead to happiness - in any case, he is deprived of it. And it seems to him that all he has to do is solve material problems, and happiness will be nearby. He solves them, the next ones appear, and this can continue indefinitely. If we don’t have enough money, we think about where to get it; if we don’t travel much, then we dream about trips. Or we want to buy new clothes, a car, an apartment, and so on.
These are all important things, but they are hardly dreams that can truly inspire us. As a rule, these are only means to achieve true goals - for example, to become more self-confident, to be liked by others, to feel fulfilled, and so on. And behind them it can be very difficult to discern those very cherished desires that can give our life meaning, goals, the implementation of which will give us joy and harmony, give us a feeling of being in our place, the fulfillment of our destiny.
I do not encourage you to strive solely for spiritual goals. No, everything in life should be harmonious, and the needs for housing, beautiful clothes and new experiences are completely normal and natural, there is no need to give them up at all. But the whole point is that they are not a means of achieving happiness, but only “additional bonuses.” And we are most likely to get them if we start striving for true goals. By themselves, they do not make anyone happier or more fulfilled.
Do you have any doubts? Look at famous and rich people - how many of them are truly happy? We, of course, cannot know this for sure, but often their behavior speaks for itself. I assure you that among them there are no more realized and harmonious people than among “ordinary” people. Wealth and material goods make life easier, make it comfortable, which is not bad, but they do not give happiness on their own. But, unfortunately, few people understand this.
Where do the firewood come from?
As a rule, certain behavior patterns are instilled in us in childhood. This could be a ban on desires, fear of failure, a ban on certain professions (“artists always starve!”) or relationships (“men only try to deceive!”), simply instilled fears of life.
Now I will not dwell in detail on the mechanisms and tell why a person chooses goals that are not his own and follows someone else’s path. The purpose of this particular article is to provide a practical method.
It is necessary because it is easy to just say - “find out your true desires.” In fact, for most people it takes effort. And usually the inhibitions are so strong, and the anxiety about pressing issues is so great that it is difficult to focus on the quiet voice of one’s own self. It is drowned out by “rational” arguments and everyday fuss.
Fortunately, there are numerous ways to come to an agreement with yourself, one of which I will now describe to you.
Give back to “your loved one”
First of all, he must lend a helping hand to himself. And after being freed from childhood fear, he realizes that in fact “he really, really doesn’t want to answer for anyone.” This is a selfish confession. But it's honest. And only after accepting this in yourself (oh how difficult such a revelation is) does personal transformation begin in favor of health, creativity, sincere love for loved ones and a genuine desire to take care of them.
It is useful to note that not only acute psychological trauma triggers the formation of such limiting beliefs, but often constant maxims from the lips of parents, teachers, other significant authority figures and the social environment contribute to this. Regularly causing a child to feel guilty for irresponsible behavior, a feeling of inferiority for an unachieved result, a feeling of rejection when he does not live up to the expectations of others, you can lay down a powerful destructive program “YOU OWE EVERYTHING BUT YOURSELF” or its intermediate variants.
Then a person is guaranteed neurosis, psychosomatics or psychosis. And not only to the individual, but also to society. After all, both an individual and an entire team (society) function according to the same psychological laws.
Method of clarifying desires
This is a written work. You sit down, take a pen and a piece of paper and write a list, which should consist of at least twenty items. You could even call it an essay.
The topic is “What do I do and what do I do if I have a hundred million dollars.”
Approach this informally; imagine your new position very vividly. Imagine that you really have this amount - or even more, if you want. And you have more than just money. You already have absolutely all the material goods you want - cars, apartments, luxury houses, expensive clothes, and so on. The second important point is that you have already given everything possible to charity, the foundations simply no longer need as much money, and they do not need your attention. The third point - you went on all the trips that you dreamed of going: you were in Australia, lived in Japan, visited the North Pole - substitute your options. And - if this worries you - you have already helped all your relatives.
In a word, no one demands anything from you, including yourself.
And with this feeling of abundance, peace, prosperity and complete satisfaction with everything that happens around you, you need to write a detailed list of at least twenty points: what do you want and will do now that you already have everything? What will your dreams and desires be now, what will truly inspire you and give meaning to life?
It may be difficult for you, especially if you have never thought about it, but the more interesting this task will be for you and the more unexpected and surprising the result will be. So, don’t procrastinate, write this text today. Subsequently, it will help fulfill your desires.
We don’t owe anyone anything: analysis from a psychological point of view
Each belief manifested by a person depends on his state, both physiological and emotional, as well as accumulated experience. In psychology, there are three main types of feelings:
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- addiction;
- freedom (independence);
- complete independence.
Point one is characterized as the most unhealthy.
Dependence is a far-fetched, not entirely adequate obsessive need. For some, it manifests itself in addiction to alcohol or drugs, for others – in sexual desire or a craving for adrenaline through extreme actions. From birth, we get used to the fact that most of our needs are satisfied by our environment. Parents, relatives, and teachers help us. Growing up, our concepts do not change, because they were invested in them from childhood, but for some reason society no longer agrees with them. Then our inner beliefs “a true woman is obliged”, “the right man, husband, wife, mother should” come to the rescue. We accept their lack of understanding with indignation and surprise, and sometimes we are left with bitter disappointment when others do not respond with an unconditional “yes” to our needs.
Over the years, there is a feeling that life is becoming more and more difficult, and each subsequent day brings less joy. Some people develop an inferiority complex, where they surround themselves with a dense circle of advisers, morally pestering their loved ones for any, even insignificant, reason. Loneliness scares such people more than other problems. The most complex form of manifestation is the unhealthy dependence of one personality on another. In such relationships there is no sincere warmth, but there is a constant reminder of the sense of duty.
Dependent individuals are characterized by low self-esteem, dislike, and sometimes self-hatred, and a constant feeling of guilt. Such a person tries to suppress his dissatisfaction and anger, which often leads to manifestations of momentary anger. However, at the same time, they tend to focus on others, control them excessively, and clearly interfere in other people’s lives with their unnecessary advice to their detriment. As a result, addicts experience depression, isolation and withdrawal. The first step towards the emergence of integrity of consciousness is to understand why you and no one else owe anything to anyone. A competent person tries to do something for those around him based on his sincere desire and capabilities, without demanding anything in return. Accordingly, reciprocal actions of a healthy person are perceived as gifts, and not an obligation.
Why do I need it?
Many people, especially those who are very tired of routine, constantly forced to fight for survival, may have the question: “Why do I need this? What's the point of dreaming if I never achieve it? And how can I imagine a hundred million dollars if I have never had them and never will?” This skeptical voice is the voice of your script. You try to maintain the current state of affairs by any means, and this is natural.
What can you answer here?
First of all, no one is stopping you from just trying. It's never too late to get back to routine, and it's even useful to get distracted. Secondly, I'm not saying that you will necessarily have a hundred million dollars and everything your heart desires. Maybe there will be, maybe not, no one knows for sure. But now we are talking about something else. The point of this work is to free yourself from thoughts that prevent you from understanding what you want, to hear your inner voice. Everyday problems and worries often obscure true needs, and this can last for a very long time. But someday you need to find time for yourself!
If even then the voice of reason is stronger than the desire to try, take it as a game. As a break from work or constant housework. Just sit back and enjoy a beautiful dream. You're probably watching a movie, aren't you? Isn’t it just to be whisked away to fantasy land in a permitted way? Well, then this time you will have your own film, where you are the cameraman, the director, and the main character (or heroine). And in this film, perhaps you will be able to find and formulate your secret dreams and intentions. And, who knows, maybe the journey to a real goal that interests you will begin with fantasy - but in reality?
Why is it important?
As you can see, I am very confident that everyone needs this practice and am even trying to convince you to do it one way or another. Why?
In my opinion, there is nothing more important than understanding what you want. Think for yourself - if you don’t know your goals, then where will you end up? By moving randomly, without a specific plan, you can end up anywhere, and you won’t necessarily like this place, because it will be just as random.
Your wish list is the goals to which your path in life should lead you - in study, self-development, work and personal life. The list will almost certainly be adjusted and changed, but this is not significant. The important thing is that you decide for yourself exactly how.
What will follow this principle lead to?
Interest in psychology is only growing; even the stronger sex agrees to learn the correct behavior and take advice from a specialist, although in most cases it is ladies who seek advice. However, you should understand that not all recommendations will be effective, and not all of them will be interpreted correctly. Moreover, you should not look for answers to questions of interest on your own, otherwise an already complex situation can be led into an even greater dead end. If you want to take the advice of an experienced psychologist and find out what the consequences of following the ideology “I don’t owe anything to anyone” will lead to, sign up for my consultation. You will receive an individual approach and a clear analysis of a specific situation.
What then?
So, you have written your essay and generally realized what exactly you want. Perhaps some points will be quite unexpected. And others - on the contrary, something that you always suspected about yourself, you simply did not have the courage to admit. But what to do with all this now?
First, be glad that you have gotten to know yourself a little better and are closer to harmony with yourself: after all, understanding your desires is a step towards reconciliation with your own personality. Enjoy it, this is not given to everyone.
As for achieving goals, this is a separate job. And I will not deceive you by saying that it will not require effort and will quickly lead you to your dream. You will need a lot of time and effort. But, I assure you, not only the result, but even the path to it itself will be interesting and inspiring - after all, you will be closer to your dream with every step. Methods for fulfilling desires can be different, the main thing is to start. And I, for my part, am ready to help you as much as I can - the materials on the site are intended just for this.
Vadim Kurkin
