I don’t know how to empathize, support, love. Is there a way to correct empathy disorders?

When they talk about the peculiarities of our time, they talk about a crisis of values, human indifference and lack of empathy.
Have people really forgotten about mercy, pity and empathy? Psychologists who have worked with empathic clients are well aware of how much empathy remains in our world, because many of their clients’ problems are caused precisely by an excess of empathy for the misfortunes of others. What does the term "empathy" mean? And what is the ability to sympathize and empathize for a person - a gift or a curse? What danger can empathy pose to us?

Definition

Empathy is conscious empathy for a person’s emotional state while maintaining an understanding of the external origin of the source of the feeling. In simple words, the phenomenon under consideration can be explained as the ability to understand and feel other people’s emotions, to enter into the position of another.

The term is of Greek origin. The meaning of the word empathy can be translated from it as “in suffering, feelings, passions.” The term was introduced into modern scientific use by experimental psychologist E.B. Titchener at the end of the 19th century.

Sigmund Freud at the beginning of the 20th century described empathy as the process of assessing the patient’s mental state, projecting this state onto oneself, and trying to understand these emotions and feelings through comparison with one’s own sensations. Its main feature is the absence of involvement in any emotion, as occurs with compassion.

In religion

In Buddhism

In Buddhism, compassion is the desire for others to be free from suffering and its causes[1]. The 14th Dalai Lama praised the phenomenon of compassion. He characterized it as a source of happiness, as something that promotes better functioning of the mind and gives inner strength.[2] He also identified three types of compassion:

• aimed at relatives and loved ones, based on attachment;
• directed towards suffering beings and based on sympathy for them;
• impartial, based on understanding and respect[3].

Trinley Thaye Dorje pointed out that a lama “must have the qualities of true compassion”, that “real compassion is expressed both physically and mentally”, he sees the main modern problem of humanity as “lack of compassion”, pointing out:

People born into this world have all the means, skills and even wisdom. If we can add more empathy to this, then I think we can make everyone's dreams come true. The future of humanity depends on what we do now. It is determined by our actions and intentions. So the key is compassion and wisdom.

— [4]

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In Hinduism

Saint Ramalinga Swamigal wrote:

O Supreme Being! You pointed out to me that the Path of Compassion is the only path leading to Enlightenment, While other paths lead to the Darkness of Ignorance. O Supreme Existence!

You pointed out to me that the exceptional power of compassion is its ability to perform Mighty Deeds.

— [5]

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In Christianity

The Monk John of Damascus attributed compassion to one of the displeasures:

“There are four types of displeasure: grief, sadness, envy, compassion. Grief is displeasure that produces loss of voice; sadness is displeasure that oppresses the heart; envy - displeasure experienced at other people's goods; compassion is displeasure felt at the misfortunes of others.

»
An Exact Exposition of the Orthodox Faith, Chapter XIV. St. John of Damascus.

The Bible, which is the basis of the faith and life of every Christian, encourages all followers of the teachings of Jesus Christ to have compassion for their neighbors.

“...be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32). “Therefore, if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; If one member is glorified, all the members rejoice with it” (1 Cor. 12:26).

The practical side of compassion was visible in the acts of mercy of Jesus Christ Himself and is illustrated by Him in the famous parable of the Good Samaritan:

“...a certain man was walking from Jerusalem to Jericho and was caught by robbers, who took off his clothes, wounded him and left, leaving him barely alive. By chance, a priest was walking along that road and, seeing him, passed by. Likewise, the Levite, being at that place, came up, looked and passed by.

A Samaritan, passing by, found him and, seeing him, took pity and, coming up, bandaged his wounds, pouring oil and wine; and, setting him on his donkey, brought him to the inn and took care of him; and the next day, as he was leaving, he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper and said to him: take care of him; and if you spend anything more, when I return, I will give it back to you.

Which of these three, do you think, was a neighbor to the one who fell among the robbers?

He [a certain lawyer] said: He showed him mercy. Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise” (Luke 10:30-37).

Main types and levels

Types of empathy in psychology:

1. Emotional. This type is based on mechanical projection and imitation of the motor and affective reactions of the interlocutor. Mechanical projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which internal feelings are perceived as coming from outside. It manifests itself in the form of attributing one’s feelings and emotions to the interlocutor with the conviction that this feeling comes from external influences and not from within. Motor reactions are understood as small motor operations that accompany action and communication. An affective reaction is a violent emotional action, a sharp change in state.
2. Cognitive. This controlled empathy is based on processes of an intellectual nature: comparison, analogy, contrast.
3. Predicative. Empathy, which consists in the ability to predict the affective reactions of the interlocutor.

There are several special forms of empathic behavior:

• empathy - identifying the emotional feelings of the interlocutor,
• sympathy (compassion) is a form of expressing a state in response to the experiences of another person.

Psychological levels of empathy:

1. High (third). Increased empathy is manifested in the fact that a person deeply empathizes with the state of others. Often this inclusion is on the verge of losing control. It is quite rare.
2. Middle (second). The level at which a person has the ability to control empathy, but puts his own feelings first. Average empathy is typical for most modern people. Other people's feelings and emotions do not matter to their lives. The main thing is the process of action, and not the emotional subtext of these actions.
3. Low (first). The level is characterized by indifference, indifference to the condition of other people. Such people usually have problems with socialization, they are unsociable, lead a hermit lifestyle, and have no friends or relatives.

It is worth mentioning separately a group of people who use controlled empathy for professional purposes (doctors, teachers, actors, writers, employees of special government services, etc.). Such people strive to develop controlled empathy to achieve professional goals.

Empathy, sympathy and reflection

For a deeper understanding of the phenomenon of controlled empathy, it is necessary to define the processes closely related to it.

Compassion is an integral element of empathy, manifested in expressing one’s attitude towards the suffering of another person.

Identification is a conscious psychological and emotional behavior that manifests itself in complete identification of oneself with the state of another person or group of people. It is often a psychological defense mechanism in unfavorable conditions.

Reflection is awareness of oneself, one’s consciousness. It manifests itself in values, motives, interests, worldview, behavioral patterns, thinking, and emotional response. All these personal structures are formed through awareness of actions, their rethinking and structuring.

In simple words, reflection is not just a person’s knowledge of something, but knowledge about this knowledge. This definition of the phenomenon was given by the famous philosopher and theologian P.T. de Chardin. In the context of the problem under consideration, reflection differs from empathy in that a person completely dissolves in the problem, the experiences of the interlocutor, leaving no room for his own self. With empathy, a clear distinction between controlled empathy and one’s own feelings is maintained.

What to do if our ability to empathize is blocked

It is impossible to give to others what we ourselves do not have. Likewise, if we find ourselves unable or unwilling to show empathy despite our best efforts, it is usually a sign that we ourselves are too hungry for it to be able to share it with others.

Sometimes, if we openly acknowledge that our suffering is preventing us from responding with empathy, another person can give us the empathy we need.

In other cases, it may be necessary to give ourselves “first aid” ourselves, by listening to what is happening within ourselves and showing the same level of presence and attention that we give to others. UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld once said: “The more closely you listen to the voice within you, the better you will be able to hear what is happening in the outside world.”

If we have become good at treating ourselves with empathy, it often takes only a few seconds for us to feel a natural flow of energy that then allows us to be fully present with another person. However, if this does not happen, we have a few more options.

We can scream - without aggression. I remember once spending three days as a mediator between two gangs who were exterminating each other. One gang was called the Black Egyptians, the other was the East St. Louis Police Department. The score was 2:1. A total of three killed in a month. After spending three intense days trying to help these groups hear each other and resolve their differences, I drove home thinking that I didn't want to be involved in any more conflict for the rest of my life.

And the first thing I saw when I entered home was my children, engrossed in the fight. I didn’t have the strength to show understanding for their feelings, so I shouted - however, without aggression: “Hey, I feel really bad! I really don't want to deal with your fight right now! I just need some peace and quiet!” My oldest son, who was nine at the time, immediately stopped fighting and asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

I have found that if we are able to openly express our suffering without blaming anyone, then even people who are hurting themselves can sometimes hear our needs. Of course, I wouldn’t shout: “What’s going on here? Don't you know how to behave? I just got home and I had a rough day!” and would in no way imply that they were behaving badly. I did not put any aggression into my cry, but only drew attention to my own desperate need and suffering experienced at that moment.

However, if the other party is also feeling so strongly that they can neither hear us nor leave us alone, and neither self-help nor nonviolent screaming has helped us, the third option is to physically distance ourselves from the situation. We give ourselves a break and the opportunity to gain the necessary empathy to return to the discussion with a different mindset.

Chapter from Marshall Rosenberg's book “Nonviolent Communication. Language of Life".

Manifestations in life

The phenomenon under consideration plays a significant role in the life of every person. It manifests itself in various fields of activity.

Medical assessment

In medicine, empathy refers to the meaning of the psychological term “empathic listening.” The latter term refers to understanding the emotional state of the interlocutor and demonstrating this understanding. It often appears when a doctor interviews a patient. The doctor, using the empathy mechanism, understands the patient’s condition, and the latter sees this in the doctor’s behavior and emotions.

In medicine, empathy helps to obtain the most objective information about the patient’s feelings and thoughts. Feeling understanding, people open up, express feelings more vividly, and talk about their condition in detail and sincerely.

The ability to empathize to varying degrees is inherent in all healthy people.

Psychological assessment

What is empathy in psychology: the normal emotional state of a person in appropriate situations. There are several methods for determining its level. Procedures have been created to capture individual manifestations of this ability.

When characterizing the psychological aspects of empathy, it is noted that the understanding of the external origin of the state is preserved, i.e., an empathetic person is clearly aware that the partner’s feelings are reflected on him. If this does not happen, the state is referred to as identification with the interlocutor.

An empathetic person clearly distinguishes between his internal, personal feelings and sensations that arise in response to the emotions of his interlocutor. This perception allows one to actively use empathy for a greater disclosure of the patient’s experience and internal state.

Pedagogical assessment

Empathy is a key aspect of socialization, therefore pedagogy pays great attention to its development. The key problem of the modern educational process is the lack of established, trusting, respectful relationships between teachers and students. And the responsibility falls on an adult – a teacher. Teachers do not know how to take the position of their students in order to understand the problems. Lack of understanding affects all levels: intellectual, emotional and social.

School is not only a tool for transmitting basic knowledge to young people, but also an institution for the formation of personality, which must adapt to a full life in society. This cannot be achieved without empathy, so the teacher must use his own example to develop conscious empathy in children.

Scientific assessment

From a physiological point of view, empathy is perceived as the ability to reflect the actions and states of other beings through the activation of special mirror neurons. It is known that areas of the amygdala and cerebral cortex are responsible for the feeling of empathy. People with damage to these areas are incapable of controlled empathy and do not grasp the emotions and feelings of other people in the process of communication.

Empathy and art

The importance of empathy in art is difficult to overestimate. Empathy is important everywhere: in music, painting, writing, theater and cinematography. For those who create and create, controlled empathy allows them to create masterpieces. The composer captures the mood of the surrounding world and people and creates an appropriate piece of music. The writer immerses himself in the world of the heroes of his works in order to convey the mood in the story. Theater and film actors understand the inner state of their character.

Empathy for the viewer is equally important. Empathy allows you to isolate the mood of the music from a set of sounds. An empathic person feels the feelings of characters in stories, plays and films. Such people are capable of empathy, but they understand the staged nature of the action taking place.

The danger of empathy

In general, empathy is usually assessed as a positive phenomenon. Firstly, empathy helps us to be more humane, to sympathize and empathize. Without empathy, humanity would turn into a tribe of calculating and ruthless individuals who do not take into account the interests of other people on the way to achieving their own goals. The ability to empathize can also keep us from rash words and actions, it teaches us to be more correct and show a sense of tact (for example, understanding the state of a bereaved person, we try to behave in such a way as not to aggravate the negative feelings of that person).

Secondly, empathy helps us better understand other people and ourselves, and expand our emotional experience. When we try to understand another person's experiences, we learn to read a variety of verbal and nonverbal cues that help us accurately determine their emotions. By showing empathy, we learn to evaluate ourselves: as a kind and sympathetic person or as a callous and “thick-skinned” person.”

However, it should be noted that showing empathy also involves some dangers for the empath. Such dangers of empathy include:

• "Mind Reading"

Empathy can be very helpful in establishing rapport if you are able to correctly recognize the other person's emotions. However, it can also be detrimental to mutual understanding if you have "misinterpreted" the other person's experiences. In such cases, empathy can turn into the illusion of “mind reading”: you imagine what the other person is feeling or thinking, and firmly believe that you were able to correctly “decipher” his thoughts. In fact, no one can guess for sure exactly what thoughts provoked the experience of certain emotions.

• Emotional burnout

The main and main danger that awaits an empath is emotional burnout or empathic fatigue. Human resources are not limitless, so empathetic people burn out like candles over time. If you constantly empathize with the troubles of other people, take on other people’s negative emotions and take everything too personally, then emotional burnout appears. This condition is characterized by physical and emotional exhaustion due to prolonged involvement in the troubles and sorrows of other people.

Representatives of “helping professions” most often suffer from this problem: psychologists, social workers, doctors, etc. Sensitive and empathetic natures are also susceptible to empathy fatigue.

• Difficulties in relationships

In some cases, empathy can cause difficulties in relationships. For example, sometimes genuine empathy can be confused with sympathy or even love. This situation was described by the immortal Shakespeare: “She loved me for my torments, and I loved her for my compassion for them.” That is, as a result of empathy, relationships are born, and when over time the reason for sympathy disappears... And then what? Perhaps, in place of simple empathy, real feelings arose. Or maybe not, and then the relationship collapses.

Thus, in showing empathy one should adhere to the principle “everything needs moderation.” Showing empathy characterizes you as a wonderful and compassionate person, but excessive empathy for the troubles of others can create problems in your own life. Therefore, even when sympathizing with another person, it is necessary to remember the existence of boundaries: it is better to take care of your heart and not break under the weight of someone else’s misfortune.

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Characteristic

Empathy is characteristic of all healthy people, so it is neutral in nature. But the depth of manifestation of states of controlled empathy can be positive or negative. It all depends on the situation.

Empathy is demonstrated through various signals:

• actions,
• speeches,
• facial expressions,
• gestures

pros

Empathy is necessary for full socialization. The feeling of controlled empathy is formed in childhood, when the child sees the involvement of an adult, parent or other loved one in his condition. This behavior is adopted. Empathic states make it easier to find a common language, to feel involved in the life of a family, community, others, country, nation.

Having empathy brings significant benefits in the profession. The ability to adapt to the state of your interlocutor is important when conducting negotiations, making professional sales, establishing connections and contacts.

Minuses

A high level of empathy often has a negative impact on the bearer of this feeling. Thus, it has been noted that acute empathy increases the likelihood of developing depressive processes, stress, mental disorders and phobias.

A low level of empathy significantly complicates life in the social sphere. People who have a low level of it are more likely than others to encounter problems in communication and building close relationships.

Definition of an Empath

Who is an empath: He has a developed capacity for conscious empathy, usually called an empath. You can often hear the word empant in conversations. This pronunciation is incorrect, the correct concept sounds different.

Main features

Empathic abilities are closely related to the level of human development. The higher the spiritual and intellectual level, the higher the ability to express controlled compassion.

Characteristics of an Empath:

• intuitive understanding of the feelings and sensations of another,
• the ability to sincerely empathize,
• the ability to easily take the place of another,
• the ability to abstract, look at the situation from the outside,
• the ability to understand and accept someone else’s point of view without evidence, argumentation or debate.

Personal testing

In psychology, there are several special questionnaires for determining empathy. One of the most developed is the test compiled by clinical psychologist S. Baron-Cohen.

There is another simple and popular way to help assess the level of empathy - the emotional response scale. The technique was developed by US psychologist A. Mehrabyan:

• it consists of twenty-five questions,
• each test item requires choosing 1 of 4 answers,
• each of the four options is assigned a certain number of points,
• Based on the amount, a person’s ability to control empathy is determined.

Another test was developed by domestic teacher V.V. Boyko. It allows you to assess the level of personal empathy. The Boyko test, in contrast to the emotional response scale, is simpler, but it is superficial, i.e., the accuracy and reliability of its results is lower. The technique contains thirty-six questions that must be answered “yes” or “no.” The Boyko test is aimed at determining predispositions to emotional empathy.

Managing empathy

Empathy is an important sensory aspect of everyday life. Its development and ability to control allows you to qualitatively change your life for the better; the ability to understand another person is the main step towards building healthy, positive relationships. Monitoring the state of another person makes it possible to detect conflict situations and avoid them.

How to develop empathy? There are various systems, methods and exercises for this.

Exercises to develop empathy:

1. Concentration not on your own conclusions, but on the meaning of the interlocutor’s phrases and words in the dialogue. The ability to listen and hear will allow you to better understand people when communicating.
2. Concentration of attention on surrounding people, colleagues, acquaintances, relatives. How do they live, what are their interests, problems, successes.
3. Conversations with strangers in transport, on the street. Communicating with people outside your circle will help you better understand the lives of others.
4. Playing out the interlocutor’s situation on yourself, building a line of behavior, practicing emotional manifestations.
5. Analysis of your feelings and experiences in various situations, memorizing them. The development of emotional memory will allow you to quickly project the situation onto another and better understand him.

Empathy does not always play a positive role in life. Many people tend to reduce their empathy for others. To do this, you need to focus on yourself, constantly occupy yourself with hobbies and new hobbies. Constant concentration will not leave time for the manifestation of specific states. When developing empathy, remember that a high level of empathy has negative consequences.

Blog / What is empathy (and how is it different from sympathy)?

In English there are two similar words sympathy and empathy - both with the same root, but all the magic lies in the prefix. πάθος in Greek means “passion”, “suffering”, “feeling”, the prefix sym- ( συμ- ) - “with, together”; prefix em- ( ἐν ) – “in”. If sympathy is COMPASSION, then empathy is Feeling. We often don't see the difference between empathy and compassion, but there is one. Sympathy is an emotional reaction to another person’s complaint, a sympathetic attitude towards his experiences. Empathy is the ability to psychologically put oneself in a person’s place, recognize and name his feelings. Sympathy can be shown formally, empathy cannot.

By sympathizing, we want to console, give advice on a matter, assess the situation, share experience, or even magically change the situation with one remark. If you think about it, this is a position “above” another, without the desire to join his feelings. Psychotherapist Carl Rogers called this “appreciative understanding from an external position.” Sympathy promotes separation; it “works to create distance.” We cannot truly support a person if we are emotionally far away from him.

Imagine that a friend tells you something like this: “My husband is at work all the time and helps very little with the children. I’ll hang myself soon.” How do we automatically react to such words? “At least you have a family!” “Yeah, you probably feel bad. But then I left my husband, and it immediately became easier.” “Don’t be upset! Go on vacation and everything will get better.” Such words are nothing more than an attempt to dress up the experience - to show that everything is not so bad. Few people feel better after such sympathy.

What happens when we respond to other people's complaints like this? We brush off the problem, protect ourselves from emotional contact with it, and devalue the feelings of the one who is suffering. We convey to the person: “stop feeling this - it’s hard, and I don’t want it.” To understand the pain of another, you need to be in contact with your own pain.

What is empathy?

Empathy has four essential components:

1. Step into the other person's shoes and assume that their point of view is true for them at the moment.
2. Don't judge or evaluate. By showing empathy, we affirm that every person has the right to experience any feelings in all their depth and intensity and to experience them as long as necessary.
3. Recognize the feeling and name it. By naming a feeling, you help a person master it. No wonder the ancients said: to know a name is to have power.
4. To feel with another, to enter into his experience. Tell the person: “I’m nearby, I know what it’s like for you here.” The fundamental point is not to merge with another in his suffering, but to look at the situation through the eyes of the one who is experiencing it.

How to show empathy?

This can be done in different ways. Let’s take a familiar example: “My husband is at work all the time and helps very little with the children. I'll hang myself soon"

How to respond empathetically? “It seems like you’re completely desperate,” “(I can’t) imagine how lonely and bitter you are,” “I don’t know how to support you. You must be terribly tired,” “I’m listening to you, but inside everything is seething with indignation. I can imagine how angry you are with your husband” - it doesn’t matter what you say, it’s important to join someone else’s experience. Sometimes empathy is expressed by a thoughtful “uh-huh” and confusion.

A person who is supported empathetically sees that they are not alone. He turns inward, realizes that his feelings are legitimate, and begins to comprehend them. He meets his own feelings and becomes the author of his own experience.

I would like to end with the words of Carl Rogers again (he was one of the main ambassadors of empathy): “There is risk in understanding. If I allow myself to understand another person, then with understanding I change. And we are all afraid of change. To understand means to become twice as rich. I learn from the experiences of clients and become a different, I think, more responsible person.”

PS If you need more visual examples, watch this cartoon