6 reasons why your child doesn't want to play independently

3 5966 January 12, 2020 at 07:09 Author of the publication: Diana Gadlevskaya, anesthesiologist

“...Let’s play, I want to be held in your arms, let’s go for a walk, draw me a car, I’ll sleep with you, I want to come to you, mom, mom-mom, ma-a-ma-a!..” - and so on all day, no, around the clock without a break.

I can not take it anymore. My life is like Groundhog Day. I'm incredibly tired. I want to drop everything and go wherever my eyes lead me. Nerves to the limit. I start screaming. The son gets scared, cries, doesn’t understand anything. Then I feel terribly ashamed, and he and I cry together, and after a while everything happens again.

Why is this happening to me? What's wrong? Perhaps I'm a bad mother... I wasn't ready for 24-hour motherhood. I can't give my child as much attention as he needs.

I am always with the baby, but I dream of being alone. Walk in silence, listen to music, and just get some sleep, in the end! My husband is always at work. On his day off he wants to relax, that’s understandable. And I don’t have days off...

Opinions

Some say: “Computer games are an order of magnitude more effective in learning than books: since in them we not only learn about something, but also act independently.”

The second say:

And mothers complain:

Here is the history and experience

I want to talk about the reasons why it happens that someone’s child constantly plays games on their phone or tablet. Then you and I will find the middle ground that should satisfy the interests of both parents and their little ones. But I’ll start by introducing the games.

Are there pros and cons to the game?

We need to get used to the fact that we live in a world where everything we need is on the Internet! We, adults, shop there, learn a lot of useful things, and make friends. What about children? And for children there is a lot of useful and interesting things:

• For example, you can not buy cubes to build a house, but do it using a certain program.
• The Internet can also help us get to know flowers.
• Right there, on some educational website, we will find a cool coloring book for our little one, who is 4 years old .

What was I talking about just now? Right! About games! So what's wrong if we teach and help our kids develop? There are even advantages. This is cost savings. We no longer buy more and more toys. All this is already on the Internet. And a huge variety of options.

I will tell about myself. How I remember my love for puzzles! I’m delighted with them myself! But I’ll just add the picture, it’s not interesting to me. You can't buy enough like that. If only I had had a program like folding puzzles in my childhood! Of course, the phone's memory has its limits.

Or, another advantage. Our children are growing up. And we, parents, are always in search of more and more relevant activities for them: either chess, or cooking school, or logic lessons. All this is already there and prepared. Just use it!

But what are the disadvantages? Quickly addictive. The baby is so interested that he literally grows to the tablet. Will we resist if the little one likes it and finds it useful? And if we do, what can we offer in return? You can’t just say, “No!” and turn off the computer! Let’s remember where a 5-year-old developed such a habit.

How to combine the real and virtual life of a child?

1. First, decide: what does a computer mean in your family , in the life of any person? The coveted prize? An indicator of well-being? Window to the world? Technical assistant? A device that makes life more convenient? The exaggeration of the importance of the computer by adults increases its importance in a child's life. Exaggerated fears of the computer play the same role. By sacralizing the computer, we create an aura of super-significance around it. A calm, almost indifferent attitude towards technology allows you to use it with great intelligence, accuracy and benefit. And most importantly, it will not lead to such a deformation of the value system in which a soulless piece of hardware with wires is deified.
2. Low self-esteem in a child is the basis for the formation of any unwanted dependence. If there are too few pleasant stimuli in life that bring joy, calm, encourage, surprise, make you laugh, inspire, any pleasure, including playing on the computer, can become addictive. This means that, not only exaggerating the importance of the computer, but also underestimating ourselves, our child, we push him to be content with the role of a simple executor of other people's programs, including computer ones. He doesn't need more. And low self-esteem is the result of weak parental love.
3. The computer will take a special place in the life of a child if he does not have friends and other significant connections with the world . This is a real problem in the age of individualism and living in large, densely populated cities. If you have at least some opportunity to create conditions for playing together, being in a group of peers, do not miss it.
4. The standards for a child’s time in front of a screen are approximately as follows. No computers or consoles for children under 3 years of age! At least up to 3 years old... Because it is difficult for reality to compete with the virtual world, in which everything uninteresting is filtered out and everything “cool” is collected. After 3 years, play time should be dosed and be a maximum of half an hour, preferably 15 minutes intermittently. You can make a rule: “Computer only on weekends!”, “Either computer or TV!”, “We only play together!”. Such rules are the basis of the culture of using information resources.
5. Rule “We only play together!” It is especially important because it guarantees the involvement of an adult in the game process. But most importantly, we teach the child how to play and model his attitude towards the computer. It is easier for children to cope with the irresistible desire to play more and more if they see how adults stop. Place a clock nearby and explain that the time limit is a condition of the game.
6. How to answer a child’s question, why limit time? At the age of 4, you can tell a fairy tale about a monkey who really loved oranges, but he overate himself and his tummy hurt. Remind that little people have not only a head and arms, which are so necessary for a computer, but also legs, a back, and a tummy. They also want to play, run, jump. Otherwise, not a person will grow up, but a tadpole with a weak body. It makes an impression on the kids! Queue up outdoor games and computer games. Children love both and calmly switch from one interesting activity to another.

How does your child get stuck in the game?

Once upon a time, mommy herself downloaded the first game and handed the phone to her baby. She simply didn’t have enough for all the time, and then the baby demanded attention. Can you blame mommy for bringing this activity into her little one’s life? Agree, we ourselves can remember how often we were in a similar situation.

Only then do mothers complain that the child cannot be taken away from the tablet, and he downloads new games all the time. This is the price, there is nothing wrong with it if this happens.

Or, school or kindergarten friends “enlightened” our child. Who is the last one in this case? Or maybe an older teenage sets an example, or even the parents themselves? Wherever this activity comes from, it is important to decide what to do? Execute or pardon?

“Sheep” and “wolves” are happy!

How to make both parties, children and adults, happy? There are three development options:

1. Leave as is;
2. Try to find a compromise;
3. Ban everything forever.

Any of the options is your way to resolve the issue. And it all depends on whether you see a problem in the fact that your child constantly plays on the computer , or there is no problem. Only you have the right and must determine how to raise your toddler, what to allow him and what to prohibit him.

But what is worth thinking about so that you don’t regret your decision later? I'll ask you a few questions, and you try to answer them yourself. You don't have to rush, think about it. If you want, then share your point of view in the comments.

• Do you understand that the older the baby gets, the more addicted he becomes to games? Are you ready for this?
• Do you show your little one the difference between real life and what happens in the game?
• Besides the computer, does your little one “communicate” with anyone else? Does he have real friends?
• Do you have more interesting, and most importantly, more useful activities for little ones? Have you tried to captivate your child with them in order to take their attention away from the tablet?
• If you once gave the go-ahead for games, does that mean you don’t have the right to set REASONABLE rules? Perhaps such rules should be introduced as a compromise to your displeasure with your baby’s behavior and instead of swearing, twitching and screaming?
• What is better for you: your teenage child in front of you, or a complete loss of control when the child escapes your scandals about his habit and looks for an opportunity to play somewhere in a club?

The child demands entertainment: “Play with me!”

Play with me is a child's requirement that adults constantly entertain him.

Examples from life

Is it necessary to entertain a 3-year-old child? I understand that I need to play with him, study, but if there is absolutely no time, he can keep himself busy. Or he starts doing all sorts of bad things on purpose, he gets bored...

There are plenty of toys and games, but he plays only when he is in a very good mood, or when he gets really angry with me and understands that there is nothing to wait for me, he needs to do something himself. But sometimes it takes a lot of time. And nerves. And this is not a buzz, as I understand it...

Solution

Five Minute Solution

Sometimes it takes much less time to satisfy a child's interest than we think. On this topic, I recommend reading the article Five Minute Solution.

Games are different

It is clear that an adult can be busy with things to the eyeballs. But the child usually does not need to take all the mother’s attention to himself. It is enough that your mother is nearby, that although she is busy, she sometimes pays attention to you. In any case, it is more pleasant to play in the room where mom is than to play alone in an empty room.

You just need to teach the child that when mom is working, you can , but only in some games that do not require too much attention from an adult. For example, you are sitting at a table, writing or typing something on a computer. A child sits nearby and draws something.

If the child begins to play pranks and disturb his mother, he will be sent to another room and will have to play alone.

The child must learn the Rule: Sometimes I have to entertain myself! See Rules for children

Addition

At this age, and like at any other age, the mother’s attention is very important to the child. Of course, he can be occupied with something and mind his own business; moreover, the child will learn to entertain himself over time. Only now he won’t need his mother anymore. It is impossible to explain to a child that adults have problems; you need to balance the time allocated for the child and for work. Over time, the child will learn to entertain himself, but the presence of his mother will only disturb him, now he has his own secrets, his own life. There may be a fear of contacting my mother, because she is always busy, anyway she will not devote time to me. Under no circumstances should a child be taught to be alone.

Paul is already a year old. He was always extremely dissatisfied, crying for several hours a day, despite the fact that his mother constantly entertained him with new attractions, which only helped for a short time.

I quickly agreed with my parents that Paul needed to learn one new rule: “I must entertain myself at the same time every day. Mom is minding her own business at this time.” How could he learn it? He was not yet a year old. You can't just take him into a room and say, "Now play alone."

After breakfast, as a rule, he was in the best mood. Therefore, my mother decided to choose this time to clean the kitchen. Having sat Paul on the floor and given him several kitchen utensils, she sat down and looking at him said: “Now I need to clean the kitchen.” She spent the next 10 minutes doing her homework. Although Paul was nearby, he was not the center of attention.

As expected, a few minutes later the kitchen utensils were thrown into the corner, and Paul was hanging on his mother’s legs, sobbing, asking to be held in his arms. He was used to having all his wishes immediately fulfilled. And then something happened that he did not expect at all. Mom took him and sat him down again a little further on the floor and said: “I need to clean the kitchen.” Paul, of course, was indignant. He increased the volume of his yelling and crawled towards his mother’s feet. Mom repeated the same thing: she picked him up and sat him down again a little further on the floor, saying: “I need to clean the kitchen, baby. After this, I’ll play with you again” (broken record).

All this happened again.

Next time, as agreed, she went a little further. She put Paul in the playpen, which was within sight. Mom continued cleaning, despite the fact that his screams were driving him crazy. Every 2-3 minutes she turned to him and said: “First I need to clean the kitchen, then I can play with you again.” After 10 minutes, all her attention belonged to Paul again. She was glad and proud that she had endured it, even though virtually nothing had come of the cleaning.

She did the same in the following days. Each time, she planned in advance what she would do - clean, read the newspaper or eat breakfast until the end, gradually increasing the time to 30 minutes. On the third day, Paul no longer cried. He sat in the playpen and played. Then she no longer saw the need for a playpen, unless the child was hanging on her so that it was impossible to move. Paul gradually got used to the fact that at this time he was not the center of attention and would not achieve anything by shouting. And on my own I decided to play alone more and more often, instead of just sitting and yelling. For both of them, this achievement was very useful, so in the same way I introduced another half hour of free time for myself in the afternoon.

Many children, as soon as they scream, immediately get what they want. Their parents wish them only the best. They want the child to feel comfortable. Always comfortable. Unfortunately, this method doesn't work. On the contrary: children like Paul are always unhappy. They cry a lot because they have learned: “Crying gets attention.” From early childhood they are dependent on their parents, so they cannot develop and realize their own abilities and inclinations. And without this, it’s impossible to find something you like. They still don't understand that parents have needs too. A time-out in the same room with mom or dad is a possible solution to the problem here: the child is not punished, remains close to the parent, but nevertheless does not get what he wants.

• Even if the child is still very young, use “I-messages” during Time Out: “I have to clean up” “I want to finish my breakfast” “I have to call.” It can't be too early for them. The child sees your needs and at the same time you are deprived of the opportunity to scold or reproach the baby.

My experience

I haven’t downloaded many games on my phone because I’m very critical of pictures. Therefore, we only had 5 games on the phone:

• wooden puzzles,
• thinking (though there were pictures that I don’t like: cakes, donuts, so we didn’t play it for long),
• find a couple
• Tetris,
• machine collects coins (like Mario)
• Now my favorite is Zuma (we play together)

Moreover, I bought games because I don’t want my child to see advertising - I’m afraid for its content (perhaps underwear or something worse). But I won’t say that my son was addicted to games, he played for an hour at most and said: “Mom, let’s play with plasticine or blocks.”

That's how lucky I was - until the age of 5, the child did not become addicted to games. But I tried to saturate real life as much as possible, since my girlfriend had experience, and I tried to avoid it. Her daughter, a year older, constantly plays on the phone.

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and resignation

In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five basic levels of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and resignation. Although these levels were originally applied to those who have experienced the death of a loved one or have suffered a terminal illness themselves, they are equally applicable to anyone who must successfully cope with any type of disappointment and loss.

Most children start out in denial when they first encounter the impossibility of getting what they want. As parents, we need to help our children release and process their anger , rather than getting stuck with them in the negotiations they will resort to to achieve the desired outcome.

Children really need us to help them cope with the sadness (depression) into which they plunge due to the inability to make their desire come true. When we find the right words to express a child's frustration, we help him move toward acceptance , or adaptation.

Conclusion

You cannot generalize all games and say that they are harmful. Yes, they may be addictive. This is an easy, quick dopamine for everyone: both children and adults. But what can you do if there is nothing more interesting in the real world? Try to get passionate about something in life. But this does not mean imposing and forcing you to walk in the forest without a phone, this can only increase the value of the game.

If the problem already exists, then a ban will not solve anything, you will only lose the opportunity to somehow influence the child.

Well then! I wish everyone balance and sanity! And I hope you will leave your opinion about the article! I will be incredibly pleased to read it. Also, it would be nice if you subscribed to receive new topics and participate in them! invite your friends to the site if you know who will find this topic especially useful and interesting!

With this I have to say goodbye! Bye bye!

What to do if your child has already begun to demand endless gifts

1. Restrictions. Try to limit yourself and close relatives in buying gifts for your child. Realize what your baby really needs. On the eve of the holidays, discuss with your relatives who is going to give what, ask everyone to help you re-educate your child. Gradually the child will begin to understand the value of gifts.
2. Utility. Buy useful toys and educational sets. Let the gifts contribute to the creative and mental development of the baby. The child will understand that in order to feel gifted and extraordinary, you don’t need unnecessary toys.
3. We teach to give. Teach your child such a useful skill as giving. It is important that you let your child know how nice it is to bring joy to someone. This will develop generosity and altruistic inclinations in the child.
4. Dreamers. Keep your child busy with fun games, come up with fairy tales together, draw, create toys with your own hands, then the baby will not get bored, and he will not need another fleeting hobby in the form of a thousandth car or doll.
5. Attention and love. Only your care, participation and sincere love can change the baby. Your attention and honest interest in the affairs of the baby will relieve him of the feeling of loneliness and uselessness.