Positive relationships within a family are built on trust. This means that no harm will come to either party. Trust carries the hidden message that you have each other's best interests at heart. This is why we can take criticism without getting angry at people we trust. Deep down we understand that they really want to help us. Trust, once lost, is very difficult to regain. Marvin Marshall, author of Stress-Free Parenting, gives practical tips for building trust between parents and children.
Listen to find out
Effective parenting depends on your ability to listen and value your children's feelings and ideas. Listening to learn means not imposing your opinion on your child or making judgments while he is talking.
The first parental reaction is to evaluate the child’s opinion from their point of view, and then approve or criticize it. This is called autobiographical listening. Although a certain amount of judgment is inherent in every conversation, it intensifies when feelings are mixed into the conversation.
The simplest strategy for moving beyond autobiographical listening is to develop the skill of listening for learning.
This means that you should refrain from the very common practice of listening to just a few words and immediately starting to express your opinion.
When a parent interrupts a child who is talking to him, it only causes negative emotions.
No one—including kids—likes being interrupted.
We must also get rid of the habit of listening from the point of view of anticipating what the interlocutor may say. This kind of listening makes you want to interrupt your interlocutor.
Interrupting is a sure sign that you do not value the other person's point of view as your own. Since a sense of humor can dispel any negative emotions, teach your child to say, “Please excuse what I say when you interrupt me,” whenever you impulsively interrupt him.
A parent who knows how to listen knows how to acknowledge both the feelings and thoughts of the child. Plus, listening can be a great model for teens, who so often struggle to develop this skill.
Keeping your mouth shut is not an easy task for a parent, but it is the only sure way to improve communication and strengthen mutual understanding.
Just use the trading principle: research always precedes promotion. In other words, listen first and speak later.
Listening is the foundation of positive relationships. Its opposite is indifference - the killer of any relationship.
When you pay attention to another person, you are saying to him:
“I’m listening to you and only you—right now.” I have all your attention. Nothing distracts me. My thoughts don't wander far away. You have captured my attention because you are very important to me.
When the urge to interrupt a person arises within you, redirect your thoughts in a different direction, ask yourself: “Would it be more effective to listen to the end first?” The best way to advise your children is to listen to them and understand what they want, and then advise them to do exactly that.
Personally, a few deep breaths help me concentrate on what my interlocutor is saying. Don't think about what you will say when the other person finishes his thought. It's like playing tennis: you have to constantly keep your eye on the ball. You are unlikely to achieve anything by thinking about the next game - you should be looking at the ball flying in your direction.
Assessing how much you understand each other is one of the most important aspects of listening.
Sometimes paraphrasing in your own words what the other person is telling you can give you a clear indication of how much you understand each other.
Listening matters far more than everything you say combined. Showing respect and understanding on your part is more important than your ability to formulate answers, as reflected in the reflections of Ralph Rafton, MD:
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you simply don't do what I ask you to do.
When I ask you to listen to me and you start telling me why I shouldn't feel this way, you are dismissing my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel like you have to do something to solve my problem, you really fail me - no matter how strange it may sound.
Listen! All I ask is that you listen to me. Don't talk, don't do - listen.
When you do something for me that I could or should do for myself, you only add to my feelings of fear and inadequacy.
So please listen and hear me. And if you want to talk, wait a minute and then I'll listen to you.
“I never let my children down.” How to Gain the Trust of an Adopted Teen
A child appeared in the family - an adopted teenager. He begins to test the new parents' strength and loyalty. How to win his trust: adoptive mothers with many children and psychologist of the Change One Life foundation Elena Machinskaya share their experience and advice.
“The first condition: don’t lie. I can’t call myself a gentle parent, but if I promised my child something, I keep my word. I never let my children down,” says Olga Shchegoleva. She has seven adopted children: four are adopted, three are under a guardianship agreement. The mother of many children has three more natural children: the eldest son is already an adult and lives separately, her daughter is 12 and her son is 10 years old.
Olga tells how they tried to humiliate and insult one of her diagnosed children in a regular school. “I immediately came to his defense, because a sense of security and trust are synonymous,” she explains. — I always help children. And if something doesn’t work out for them, they immediately run to me. I won’t deceive you, I won’t abandon you, and the children know it.”
Read also - “The arrival of a child in a family is a point of no return”
Not long ago Olga took a girl into her family. In the first days of their acquaintance, the future adopted daughter pretended that leaving the orphanage for a family was not particularly interesting for her, but on the day of departure, Olga saw that the girl was sitting by the window and waiting for her.
“And I didn’t deceive, I came for her. The children from the orphanage have been betrayed and deceived many times, so it’s difficult for them to learn to trust,” says the mother of many children.
“My adopted daughter Alisa was 11 years old when she came to our family,” says Olga Parkhomets. The mother of many children is raising two natural children - Olga, 13 years old, Egor, 3 years old, and four adopted children: Prokhor and Olesya (both 9 years old), Karina, 14 years old, and Alisa, 13 years old. — The girl ended up in an orphanage at the age of 7, and at the age of 10 she was returned to her first foster family. Plus, after returning Alice, her mother promised to pick her up, but for certain reasons she couldn’t. It’s clear that trust in adults has been undermined.”
Returning teenagers spend a long time trying to test their parent’s fidelity. Now Alice is 13, but Olga cannot say that the issue of trust has been completely resolved over the years, although it has somehow become easier, she admits.
Read also - “ It took me two years to “build up my armor”
“Alice realized that my husband and I would not agree to return, and there was no need to be afraid of betrayal on our part,” says Olga. - You need to be extremely sincere. If you are angry with a child, then say exactly this: “I am angry with you for such and such a reason.”
Olga’s husband, according to her, knows how to keep boundaries. “It’s quite easy to “bend” me. “I wasn’t ready to meet Alice,” admits the mother of many children. — At the age of 11, she was a mature personality who chose the style of behavior “to bend the whole world to herself.” At first it was very difficult for me personally.”
Based on her experience, Olga advises to always remain in the position of an adult, no matter how the child behaves.
“Teenagers who lived in orphanages and boarding schools are skilled manipulators. They adjust the world to suit themselves. Adults try to maintain their own peace and slide into conflict and resentment. You should always remain an adult,” she says.
You need to learn to express your own feelings, says the adoptive mother. “If we don’t allow a child to do something, we explain why. At the moment of conflict, you need to clearly explain: “I am an adult, I am a parent, I have the right to make decisions.” When the conflict is over, you need to talk to the child and find out what was driving him at that moment,” notes Olga.
And most importantly: the child must know that no matter what he does, he will not return to the orphanage. Then he will stop pushing the boundaries of what is permitted.
Psychologist Elena Machinskaya:
“How to gain trust?
- Utmost honesty and consistency.
If you say something, you must do it. Teenagers are very distrustful and often test their adoptive parents. You can't lie even in small things.
With children you constantly have to be on a lie detector test. They were betrayed by their parents, so their craving for honesty and sincerity is exaggerated. Most likely, they were lied to, that placement in an orphanage would be temporary and their parents would take them again.
The Change One Life Foundation provides free consultations for current adoptive parents
These children have pathological anxiety. They take many things with hostility. If you say, “We're going to the cinema tonight,” then that's how it should happen. This event cannot be rescheduled.
If you are not one hundred percent sure that an event will happen, then you don’t need to say “let’s go for sure,” you can say “I’ll try.” Such moments arise often, and you must provide for them.
- The child should feel part of your pride and feel protected by their parents.
It is important for teenagers to understand what will happen tomorrow. You need to talk through all the steps for tomorrow with your child: where we will go. Even create a schedule with reference points and a schedule so that they can see that everything is clear and according to the rules. These rules will help develop a sense of stability in the child.”
This article was created with the support of MegaFon.
“The future depends on you” is the name of the joint project of the “Change the Day of Life” foundation and the MegaFon company. As part of the project, we publish video profiles of teenagers. They, like kids, really need families. But it is much more difficult for teenagers to find new parents.
Speaker's Wand: Learn to Listen and You'll Learn to Solve Problems
One of the deepest desires of any person is to be understood. But how to achieve this?
You can use the speaker's rod. A “wand” can be any object that can be held in the hands and passed from one person to another.
Only the one in whose hands the staff is can speak until he is sure that everyone has understood him. Understanding does not mean agreeing. The point is that others cannot express their points of view, argue, agree or disagree. They may want to reword the speaker's words to make him feel understood, or the speaker may simply want to know that the other person has understood him.
Realizing that those around him have understood him, the speaker passes the rod into the hands of another, and everyone listens attentively to him. In this approach, each party is 100% responsible for communication—both speaking and listening.
Remember: the purpose of this approach is simply to clarify the situation.
Trust is the basis for family well-being
Think about what you mean by the word “education”? Most people associate it with punishment, lecturing and constant teaching on how to live. Parents are still perceived not as mentors and older friends, but as overseers, whose task is to ensure that the child “behaves decently” at all times.
It is assumed that the child will thus develop certain character traits. But the truth is that education is a continuous and involuntary process, not individual teachings. He goes all the time, regardless of the wishes of the parents. Children are raised constantly: watching and imitating adults, listening to how they communicate with each other, in the process of joint actions, and even in some everyday situations like going to the store together. And now we do not take into account the fact that it is not only parents who influence the development of personality.
That is why constant interaction, emotional and based on trust, is important in parent-child relationships. If there is no trusting relationship with parents, if all communication comes down to that same purposeful upbringing, the child most often feels abandoned and unloved. He is in constant stress, trying to earn love in every possible way, and all his resources go only to this. There is no energy left for studying, playing or socializing.
The consequence of this is often an unfavorable situation in the family, the appearance of addictions in the child, in which he tries to find solace, and psychosomatic illnesses. In adulthood, this leads to psychological trauma, problems in relationships in one’s own family, and low self-esteem. Finally, a person whose trust in his parents has been violated ceases to trust the world, treats it with hostility, and himself constantly feels reciprocal hostility.
Family advice
Family councils are a unique way to improve relationships and solve problems in a constructive manner. Councils should bring together all family members and be held regularly, for example, once a week at a pre-agreed time.
The purpose of the councils is to jointly develop schemes or recommendations. The key to success is to focus not on problems, but on finding solutions. Start from the present. The past cannot be changed. By reliving the past, you turn it into the present, which only brings disappointment. The question you must constantly ask is, “What can we do about this?”
Here are the basic recommendations for holding family councils:
- Always sit so that each person has visual contact with everyone present.
- Talk about what you—not others—are willing to do.
- Speak in a calm and conversational tone.
- Strive for clarity and understanding.
- Help, and do not offend each other.
- Avoid accusations.
- Focus on the solution.
Family members need to feel and understand that no one will hurt them emotionally, especially when they share their problems. Not only the absence of pressure, but also the presence of trust is of great importance.
Decide where you will place the piece of paper with the family council agenda. Each family member can add their questions to it before the council or at the very beginning, for example:
- What useful or valuable did you learn this week?
- Do you have any questions or concerns you would like to share?
- What made you feel good or proud in the past week? (for small children).
- Control assumptions
Some decisions we make are based on inaccurate assumptions. We know exactly what we think and what we mean, but a child may have completely different views on things.
A father and his 3-year-old daughter are walking through the forest. Dad tells her that she shouldn't leave the path. The girl approaches the tree.
- Stay on the path!
The girl goes behind a bush.
I told you, stay on the path!
The girl climbs onto a tree stump...
“I told you to stay on the path!” - Dad shouts and sharply pulls the girl’s hand.
Girl (through tears):
- Dad, what is a path?
How to understand that a child’s trust has been lost
“My daughter’s character has completely deteriorated. She withdrew into herself and almost stopped talking about her life, sharing her thoughts and impressions. He comes home, locks himself in the room and doesn’t let him in. He also asks me to knock when I come in, but in our house this is not accepted at all. Questions about where she was and what she did may be answered sharply or not answered at all. I chalk it up to adolescence, but I still worry about her and our relationship. They used to live in perfect harmony, she even called me her best friend. I don’t want her to completely move away from her family. How to regain a child's trust? It is very important for me".
— Tatyana, mother of 13-year-old Vasilina.
Unfortunately, parents often do not notice the first signs of loss of trust in the family. It seems to them that the child’s character has simply deteriorated, or that he is going through a teenage crisis. As a result, parents do not consider it necessary to change their behavior, but try to “correct” their children with the same punishments or long lectures about their behavior. Or they simply resign themselves to the fact that they “got” such an incredulous child. As a result, children feel even more lonely, become withdrawn and completely stop trusting adults.
Here are the signs by which you can easily understand that a trusting relationship with a child has been broken:
- the child constantly locks himself in the room and categorically forbids you to go there;
- stopped talking to you, talking about himself;
- does not introduce him to his friends, has stopped inviting them to visit;
- snaps in response to harmless questions;
- answers the question “how are you” in monosyllables;
- he stops asking questions and asking for something;
- does not talk about problems, he always “everything is fine”;
- You learn about failures in studies from teachers, not from the child.
If you initially failed to build a trusting relationship with your child, then perhaps these signs accompany you all the time. Behavioral therapy or psychological counseling may also help in this case.
Focus on what's important
Choose your battle. Clashes can't always be avoided, but that doesn't mean you have to get involved in every argument. Ask yourself, “Will this still mean the same to me a week later?”
Children can explore and try on different roles. This can be annoying and even confusing. But this is a natural process during which children learn to live independently. Make it a rule to disagree and worry only about aspects of behavior that could cause harm to the child or others - or that cannot be corrected. There's little to worry about if your child wears baggy jeans or gets a mohawk at age 13. But a huge tattoo with dubious inscriptions really raises concerns.
Ask for help
In a modern family, parents think more and more about what they can give to their children, rather than receive from them. You will achieve great success in parenting if you give your children the opportunity to help you. You can easily do this by simply asking your child to help. Children grow up by giving back. For example: “I need you to help me put food in the refrigerator,” “I need you to help me with dinner,” “I need some quiet time. Please occupy yourself for 30 minutes until I feel better.”
Machiavelli very accurately noted that “people are no less attached to those to whom they have done good than to those who have done good to them.”
A request for help will always be heard. And this approach will bring you more benefits and results than reactive tactics based on criticism, accusations or complaints, for example: “You should have helped me put food in the refrigerator.”
What is it for
Of course, you are dating a girl, not her relatives, and by and large you don’t owe anyone anything. But like it or not, her parents' opinion of you matters. Perhaps these are your future relatives. They probably have leverage over their daughter. Most likely, they will be grandparents to your children. And if you don't try to establish contact, it will significantly complicate your family life.
If you are overwhelmed by a proposed meeting, perceive the new challenge not as a routine, but as an opportunity to “pump up” your skills. The ability to gain trust is a universal quality that will come in handy more than once in life. And finding a common language with the older generation is irreplaceable, for example, in building a career, because most bosses are also older than you.
Learn to read between the lines
Parents often convey explicit information to their children without being aware of the implications. “Explicit” information is contained in the words you speak, while “hidden” information reflects what consciousness comes to as a result of inferences. As practice shows, children usually continue to do what they want, they just don’t tell their parents about it. And this only means that the parent has lost influence on the child and cannot tell him about his view on this issue, share his life experience and feelings that he experiences as a parent.
The teenager may say:
- I'll come home late this evening.
— Where are you going, do they use alcohol or drugs? - asks the parent.
- I don't know.
- You're not going anywhere!
Explicit information is more than clear to a teenager, as is its hidden subtext: “I don’t trust you.”
An 18-year-old girl calls her parents:
“I’ve had a little too much, take me home!”
This is a very responsible action. However, this causes an outburst of anger in parents. On the way home, the father scolds his daughter, and she comes to the conclusion: “Next time I won’t tell them anything!”
Never forget the subtext! When you yell at a child, the subtext tells him that he, too, can raise his voice when something upsets him.
Age and maturity are different concepts
For parents, children always remain children, even when they are already adults and mature. There is no need to confuse these concepts. From childhood, your parents repeat to you: “You are already an adult, which means you are independent. You can tie your own shoelaces.” Then you are old enough to go to school or cook lunch on your own. Any achievements are accompanied by words about age. But when, already truly an adult, a teenager demands more freedom, it turns out that he is still young and years do not solve anything. Conversations give way to parental monologues about maturity. This is evidenced by:
- Independence, including financial. An immature person wants someone to arrange her affairs, a mature person arranges them herself.
- The transition from subordination in the family to equality.
- Understanding responsibility.
- Making important decisions that are preceded by past experience, collecting information and facts.
- The ability to manage oneself, being aware of all internal prohibitions.
- An immature person thinks about his position in society, while a mature person first engages in personal growth, gaining knowledge and skills.
Don't compare yourself and your older brother (sister). They are always given more freedom - they are older.
Surely you have heard about your peers: “He was mature beyond his years.” And then, it turns out, awareness of actions, a sense of responsibility and an adult attitude towards many things make him so. But often behind maturity lie the problems of dysfunctional families, where the child is raised by one of the parents. So he has to make adult decisions. While his peers are having fun at the disco, he is raising his younger sister and thinking about part-time work. It is clear that he does not know and does not need a sense of control, because there is simply no one to control. But do you agree to such a role? Or is it better to remain an immature child, but live in a prosperous family and try to prove to your parents that you can be trusted. Read more: Dysmorphophobia - painful dissatisfaction with one’s appearance
Stick to Standards
At times, children - especially teenagers - do not like what is asked of them and act as if their parents owe them something.
You, of course, have heard “You don’t understand,” and “What, I’m the only one who owes something,” and “I’ll just die if you don’t allow me.”
All such statements are aimed at making the parent give in and get what they want. In such situations, the parent must think about what will be best for the child in the future. However, the child must always clearly understand the reasons that led to the decision. You can put into practice one simple technique and replace an unequivocal “no” with the phrase:
- Convince me.
Or you can do it another way: think about the reasons for the decision you are making, and then discuss it with your child. If a child has a reason for wanting something, the parent must also have a good reason.
The sense of what is right and what is wrong must prevail over feelings and impulses.
Parents' demands and child's trust
Often, the formation of trust begins when parents begin to take into account the opinion of their offspring. Discussion of general family topics and taking into account the opinion of the younger family member can do more than numerous moral teachings. Let him and his dad repair the faucet, knock together a stool, and let mom help him glue the wallpaper.
It is very important even for a child to feel needed and important. This means that he succeeds and is trusted. During repairs, my son was already tightening and unscrewing screws when he was two years old. At the age of 5, he used a screwdriver better than many men. Is it any wonder that from the age of 11 he could chop wood and put together a bird feeder on his own? He also participates in all discussions of our family’s affairs.
The child's participation in household chores accustoms him to work while it is still interesting to him and brings him even closer to his parents. You need to start teaching not when you have become strong and can already do it, but when you want, when the desire has not yet been lost. Such children get along better with their parents and take their opinions into account more.
You just need to always be nearby, introduce them to the safety rules and demand their strict implementation from the growing toddler. And of course, never leave someone alone next to a dangerous object. Never! Not for a second! Caution, confidence and faith in the child’s strength. He will do the rest himself and learn everything. He will also be grateful to you for your attention and your own skills.
Our class teacher complained that out of 18 boys, only two knew how to hold a broom, and she was afraid to give a hammer.
Let him be in charge
If a child criticizes the way his parents do certain things, he should be put in charge. Parents can help him by providing some guidance and financial support.
An irresponsible and forgetful child may be appointed to be in charge of storing and transmitting information, for example, in compiling an “Important To Do List”, which is adjusted and read out every day. The child can make notes on this sheet. Thanks to this strategy, the child in charge of the list will definitely “not forget” what is written on it.
Building adult-to-adult relationships
This technique is very often used in Western schools. There, children are treated as full-fledged members of society. They are given the opportunity to make decisions that will ultimately have certain consequences. What advantages does such a system of behavior have?
- Thanks to her, she manages to make the child more responsible.
- Adults begin to treat the baby as a full-fledged member of the family, and not as someone whose opinion is not taken into account.
- Such actions help the child feel the trust of adults and make decisions more rationally.
- This saves children from unnecessary immaturity, makes them stronger and braver in life.
However, we should not forget that children are still not able to bear too much responsibility. That is why they should be allowed to make decisions only when elementary, and not global problems arise.
