Building a happy and harmonious relationship with a loved one is one of the basic spiritual needs of each of us. However, the people who succeed are always in the minority. The rest can only share a list of sad stories about unhappy love, disappointments and unjustified hopes. At the same time, the heroes of the novels replace each other, but the scenery and script remain the same. Life seems to pass by, and the belief that a worthy chosen one will meet along the way fades away every day. Many are sure that failures on the love front are overtaking them, since good people in society have practically disappeared. Actually this is not true. Deep psychological attitudes prevent us from simply letting “good” people into our lives. What attracts the “wrong” partners to us, causes the deja vu effect in relationships, and how to break this series of unsuccessful romances, you will learn by reading this article.
The same problems in relationships: what are the reasons?
We all find it difficult to build relationships sometimes. It is almost impossible to meet “that one” person without passing tests. Some partners are given to us not for happiness, but for experience. It has been noticed that people who, when leaving destructive relationships, draw conclusions, have a better chance of a happy future than those who regularly “dance on a rake.” The presence of this agricultural implement at the heart of painful relationships is not accidental, as is the choice of a partner who brings suffering. And all because initially we put into the concept of “love” something that is not at all what it is. In addition, erroneous artificially imposed criteria for true love are often implanted into a person’s subconscious, which have nothing to do with a mature feeling.
Can't figure out the cause of the problem
This is the first sign. No matter how hard one half tries to enter into a competent dialogue and get to the bottom of the problems, often the other half either avoids contact and conversation in general, or always tries to change the topic of conversation to another. And the reasons for this are completely different:
- One of them may be an attempt to hide some unpleasant moments from the past, where the root of the problem is buried.
- The next one is the banal indifference of the partner and the desire to leave everything as it is, no matter how bad it may be.
- Well, and finally, your partner has another half, to whom a huge amount of time is devoted, and all the energy is spent only on her.
Each of these examples can greatly exacerbate already serious problems in a relationship.
Why do I choose difficult people?
The description of the behavioral patterns of representatives of these groups makes it possible to predict what guides a person when he is looking for a mate.
People with a healthy type of attachment are in short supply on the “relationship market”. In addition, they often choose their own kind to live. If a representative of the second or third group comes across their path, breaking up with him will not be too painful. Very soon a person with a healthy attachment switches to searching for a more suitable match.
The situation is different with the anxious and ignoring type. These opposites are attracted to each other as if by the dictates of karmic law. Of course, we are not talking about any harmonious relationships here. However, the Tyrant-Victim couple receives a whole bouquet of colorful emotions that throw them from one extreme to the other (I love/hate, I can’t live without you/I can’t be with you, and so on).
Why do the second and third groups rarely overlap with the first? This is because such people do not experience mutual attraction.
“Move away, good kind guy. You're shielding me from that scoundrel over there. I love difficult people."
Representatives of the second and third groups in relation to the first may have the feeling that they are boring and uninteresting. There is no spark in them that would ignite the fire of passion. After all, it is on this basis that relationships of dependence are based, which are characteristic of anxious victims and ignoring tyrants. Representatives of the first group enjoy relationships without feigned inaccessibility or obsession with a partner. They do not need sacrificial stars from the sky and titanic efforts to win the heart of a loved one. Everything is extremely simple, accessible, and problems are solved exclusively through constructive conversation. And this path is too simple for the second and third groups.
Difficult relationship with a guy, how to deal with it?
Hello. I have a not very pleasant situation in my personal life. I started dating a guy, everything was just wonderful, but due to fatigue and heavy workload in my studies, I often snapped at him. After another quarrel, he said that he stopped loving me and now he likes someone else. Later I find out that this other one is my best friend, with whom I introduced him myself. It was very painful and upsetting. But she stopped communicating with him because of me (she lives in another city and therefore we only communicated via the Internet or phone). At first he did not let up, trying to contact her through mutual friends. But it was no use, then I found out that she had a boyfriend and somehow cooled down. Again he decided to come back to me. He knew that I loved him, I would forgive him everything. Well, of course, we started dating again, I believed that he had changed, and his feelings for me returned again. It seemed like everything was fine for a week, we talked and met. And last week, he completely stopped being interested in me, he won’t even ask how I’m doing. He had training for the army, I understand, he’s busy, but he has time to go out with friends, call me, no. In general, if we hadn’t met by chance, I wouldn’t even know when and where he was taken away. On the eve, I expressed that he doesn’t love me, doesn’t respect me, etc. She said, look for another, he calmly agreed. In general, he left for the army without really saying goodbye. I recently learned from a friend that just when we had a fight about the fact that he was not interested in me, he wrote her an SMS, asking how she was doing, how her life was, etc. At first I thought it was to annoy me. And then it turned out that he regularly asked her how she was doing, how she was feeling, asked her to unban her and start communicating again. In general, everything is very confusing here. I'm interested in one question. I know that no one except me will tolerate his character and such an attitude, and in principle he will still return to me, because there is no one else, my friend doesn’t care about him, she has her own life, his other friends also live their own lives. I’m the only one who worries about him, I’m ready to do everything for him, to give my last, I was very hysterical when they escorted him into the army. He knows that I will wait for him and forgive him. What should I do, what should I do so that during our separation, he understands that I need to be valued, respected, that he needs me, just as I need him in general? He just had a little insight, in terms of the fact that I’m always at hand, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll be his and I’m not going anywhere. But what’s more, when I start communicating with guys, getting to know each other, he starts to get jealous, take an interest in me, and become a real good boy. I thought that maybe I could make an attempt to leave for someone else, just for show (now, while he is in the army), but I decided that he would consider this as treason, and we would never see each other again. And I would like to establish normal good relationships. After all, we both can’t live without each other, we’re used to it and we understand it perfectly well that we are a good couple. He's just acting too self-confident towards me. If there is any way I can correct this situation, I would be very grateful for your advice. Thank you very much for your attention and answer!!!
Difficult relationship with mom, how to live with it? (2 answers)
Why do we complicate relationships?
A relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner is almost certainly doomed to fail. However, we see a similar picture all the time. There are several good reasons for this.
Destructive Majority
A healthy relationship strategy is a rarity. In addition, we often ignore people who are given this happy opportunity to find harmony in love. As for anxious and ignoring individuals, their number is an order of magnitude greater. And, therefore, the chances of meeting them are disproportionately high compared to the first group.
Attractiveness
Despite the abundance of negative attitudes, representatives of the last two groups are extremely attractive. Especially distant “ignorers”, from whom emanate an aura of mystery and magnetism. For some, the desire to melt their icy heart, to penetrate their world and become a part of it becomes a fixed idea. As for the second group, these people captivate with their desire to please and do everything for the object of their adoration. However, the distinctive personality traits of people of the second and third groups are expressed too strongly, which prevents them from finding harmony in themselves. How it ends is already known: a broken heart, crushed dreams, the conviction that love is synonymous with suffering.
Mutual attraction
Yin attracts Yang. Codependency completes a vicious circle. The victim needs the tyrant no less than the tyrant needs the victim. Colliding with each other, such people do their best to “educate” each other. It is noteworthy that, despite the suffering that both partners experience, such couples turn out to be surprisingly strong. Their relationship is reminiscent of a swing, where an incredible emotional rise is replaced by a dangerous fall. The couple breaks up and then reunites, which repeats itself for years. At the same time, mistakes in relationships with men or women do not teach anything.
Perseverance
Everywhere they write and talk about the fact that girls strive to have close relationships with persistent and strong guys. On the one hand, this is true. Even in the wild, a female is more likely to choose a physically developed and authoritative partner with ambitions to become the leader of the pack than the deadest and thinnest wolf.
Some men take women's wishes too literally. Alpha males are different. If you just put on the mask of a brutal man, don’t expect the girl to fall for it. Everything is fine with their intuition. He'll bite through it like a walnut and run off to his next date with an honest man.
We are talking about artificially accelerating the development of events. If just the other day you started your first conversation on a dating app, today you met in a cafe, and you are already inviting her to come visit, then this is scary. If she is not looking for quick sex without obligations, then the path to the beauty’s heart will be closed to you.
The splitting mechanism is the cause of deja vu in relationships
An emotionally unavailable partner first stimulates hope for a favorable development of the relationship, and then mercilessly destroys it. Thus, a person who is hooked on emotional dependence experiences polar feelings towards such a partner. Literally, he jumps into hell from heaven and back.
The tendency to make the same mistakes in relationships originates in the subconscious in childhood, when the Ego is formed. If the idea of self-worth was not brought up in a child, his dignity was belittled and his achievements were ignored, his Ego will become deformed. Dissatisfaction with the relationship with the parent triggers the so-called splitting mechanism. Its effect turns out to be more powerful, the more strongly the parent rejected his own child. This is a kind of mental protection, but it works on the basis of a distorted idea of harmony and happiness.
The main levers of behavior of a codependent person already in adulthood act on two triggers. It's hope and disappointment.
When hope prevails, a person experiences a feeling close to euphoria. At the same time, he literally ignores the negative qualities of the object of his adoration. Of course, the level of sober assessment of the current situation drops to zero, and the state is assessed as good.
However, sooner or later the castle on the sand collapses, and along with it, hope is shattered. It is replaced by bitter disappointment and acute mental pain. And when this stage passes, the dominant feeling of guilt and one’s own inferiority forces one to return to an emotionally unavailable partner for another dose of hope. This is how deja vu in relationships programs the life scenario.
The splitting mechanism prevents us from using common sense and realizing that relationships should not cause suffering. It is this, coupled with low (second group) or too high (third) self-esteem that pushes us to look for the “wrong” people.
This happens because on a subconscious level a person strives to replay over and over again a psychological problem that has not been worked out with a parent. The property of our psyche is such that it returns us to one or another negative emotion until it is worked through. After this, the internal conflict disappears and the person lets go of the problem.
Not the least role in this story is played by such a factor as the familiar environment. It is noteworthy that we interpret as comfortable exactly the one to which we are accustomed, and not the one that is objectively favorable. Thus, men’s mistakes in relationships stem from attitudes such as “all women are bitches/fools/unfaithful” because he feels comfortable living with them. Of course, at the level of the unconscious. The same applies to women. It is common for her to take the position of a victim of an oppressive partner. They don’t know how to communicate with difficult people, but they invariably become part of their inner circle. Thus, people who force people to experience feelings corresponding to their worldview are isolated from society. In the case of a codependent person, this is hope, which will invariably be followed by disappointment.
Alexey Khmelev
Some people are not given permission to meet girls from a young age, while others are unable to meet people even at the age of 40. It happens that a man is outwardly attractive, educated, and well-mannered, but relationships with women do not go beyond friendship. At the age of 18-20, a guy attributes failures to inexperience, a lack of confidence in his position in life, and low earnings. But years pass, and with them dozens of unsuccessful attempts to meet each other, terrible dates, offensive refusals, painful disappointments.
In attempts at self-analysis, confidence in oneself, in one’s actions, virtues, and capabilities is lost. Soon comes a feeling of embitterment, resentment towards women, hatred, attempts to distance oneself from communication with the opposite sex, and then with all people. For the fact that relationships with women do not work out, a man begins to blame not himself, but the opposite sex. Thoughts that he is uninteresting, unattractive, funny, awkward, lead to complete withdrawal, loss of self-esteem, real failures at work, and severe depression.
So what is the reason for bad luck?
Every man between the ages of 17 and 45 who has problems communicating with women has at least once tried to figure out why he can’t establish relationships with women. Everyone replayed scenes from life in their heads many times, tried to find the moment where they were wrong, expressed themselves incorrectly, said the wrong thing, behaved incorrectly. But in almost all cases the answer was never found.
The first thing that comes to the mind of any man is the reason for external attractiveness and material wealth. Attempts to change the style of clothing, conversation, or to show greater generosity towards the next chosen one still do not give results. And when, it would seem, all the ways to get acquainted and advice to start a relationship have been tried, but nothing worked, negative psychological processes are launched:
- drop in self-esteem
- the appearance of uncertainty, timidity, fear
- development of a passive position towards life
Expecting failure in every new acquaintance, a man becomes aggressive in communication, defending himself when he should open up. Against the backdrop of such a complex of problems, it becomes impossible to build a career or take care of one’s physical health. It is no secret that the source of many physical ailments is precisely experiences and psychological problems.
Low self-esteem - the cause or consequence of unsuccessful relationships with women?
But low self-esteem is not always a consequence of unsuccessful attempts to build relationships with women. If a young man does not have good relationships with girls at a young age, he can transfer this experience into later life by deliberately setting the bar for self-esteem below the acceptable limit. When becoming an adult, a young man with such experience can specifically choose girls that he considers “worse.” In the mind of such a man, the idea is firmly formed that nothing will work out with the best. This assessment is purely subjective, because he divides girls into “worthy” and “unworthy” according to his own taste.
Here is a typical example of such a situation: a 21-year-old young man convinced himself that he had no luck with girls. Despite such a young age and almost complete lack of dating experience, he decided that he was not interested in the opposite sex. Friends gave him some advice on how and where to meet people, what words to say and how to behave. He began approaching unfamiliar girls on the street, in public places, in the subway and trying to get acquainted, but everyone refused him. As a result, he decided that girls did not like him and were not attracted to them as a man. With each subsequent acquaintance, he already prepared himself in advance for a negative answer. Self-esteem fell rapidly, which affected the completion of his studies; he was unable to defend his diploma.
In the process of working with a specialist, the young man managed to understand that the problem was that he had low self-esteem. As a result of several meetings, his self-esteem increased significantly, he was able to find his own approach to girls, no longer needing the advice of friends. Soon he had several successful acquaintances, one of which developed into a long-term relationship.
The root of an adult relationship problem may lie in childhood.
Often the answer to the question of why relationships with women do not work out lies in childhood, in a family environment. Mom is the first woman in any man’s life. It is the relationship between mother and son that determines how the boy will grow up and how his personal family life will develop.
For example, one man, who at the age of 40 decided to seek help from a specialist, told the story of his family life. All his adult life he tried to find the woman he loved, but could not. He sought to meet beautiful and successful girls, but the relationship did not work out. The man wondered, “Why don’t I have a relationship that would be comfortable?”
During the consultation cycle, the man was able to understand what was preventing him from building relationships and freely communicating with those women who he really liked and were suitable in temperament, character, and interests. The man was raised by his grandmother, his mother had a career and was successful, but she was not interested in her son. He sincerely loved his mother, but in return he received only coldness and indifference. The specialist’s experience and desire to solve the problem helped the man meet a bright and spectacular woman, and then build a relationship with her at the proper level.
How to change attitudes towards women?
Most parents want to raise sons who can achieve a lot in life, who can start families and build successful careers. There are several parenting models that can lead to a man not having good relationships with girls throughout his life.
1 model
If a boy is limited in everything, he is not allowed to show his own initiative and do what he loves. It will be difficult for him to make acquaintances with the opposite sex and take a leading role in the family.
Model 2
It will also be difficult to build relationships for that boy whose mother was very domineering and regularly scolded her son for his misdeeds for any reason, even if he was not to blame for them. Such guys are afraid of women, they are wary of the opposite sex and try to avoid moments of crisis.
Here is another example of the story of one young man. At the age of 24, he had become completely disillusioned with girls. He chose each new girl to meet carefully, assessing all her qualities, but, as he got closer, he learned that the “ideal couple” was not free. At the first conversation, the guy said that all the worthy girls were already taken, he was tired of refusals, and regarded them as his own failure and the superiority of his opponent. He treated the other girls with visible disdain. Many times he tried to meet people on special sites, but at the first two meetings he discovered a mismatch of interests and ended the relationship. With those whom he noted as worthy, there were no more than 1-2 dates, after which the girl left.
As a result, the confident, successful guy began to experience serious problems with communication, lost interest in work, spent most of his time alone, and became withdrawn. Gradually, the young man managed to regain self-confidence, not give up, and set himself up to find the right solution. A course of communication with a specialist soon led to real results; the guy invited a colleague on a date. Long-term communication with this girl developed into a serious relationship.
Timely help from a specialist is the right path to solving the problem of loneliness.
In the problem of unsuccessful relationships, it is very important to find out the reason that prevents you from being harmonious, loved, and happy. Hear a kind word, feel the warmth of a touch, feel needed, find the meaning of life - every man deserves this. For life to find meaning and not be an empty existence, you need to find strength within yourself and accept the help of a professional. An experienced specialist will help you change your inner world without breaking your ideology and value system, and look at it from a different angle. After all, the path to solving a complex problem can be assessed objectively, and then a person will find a way out of the current situation. Come for a consultation and I will help you.
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How not to step on the same rake in relationships?
Complicated relationships are your choice. In the process of working on yourself, it is vitally important to realize that responsibility for what is happening in your personal life lies directly with you, and not with the notorious “goats” and “bitches”.
The insidiousness of the splitting mechanism is that we attach a kind of projection to the object of love, one-sided and often having nothing to do with his personality. At the same time, we are deprived of the opportunity to discern the numerous facets of the chosen one’s character, especially his negative sides. Thus, the sad scenario is played out again and again, regardless of the number of novels. Hence the saying: “Love is blind.” In this case, it is extremely difficult to extract valuable experience from what is happening, since the motives for such behavior lie in the depths of the subconscious.
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After a while nothing changes
Time is a terrible force. It can either improve difficult relationships and take them to a completely different level, or, on the contrary, destroy them to such an extent that it is no longer possible to return to the same feelings.
It would seem that the worst thing is when over a certain period of time it only got worse. However, a much worse indicator is complete stagnation. He has never been good for anything before.
If at some point you realized that it was time to change something, but your partner did not appreciate this zeal and showed complete indifference, then this is a signal for you. In such a situation, it is necessary to make drastic decisions. If no attempts to clarify the situation have worked, then you need to take courage and break off such a relationship, because it will only get worse.
