How to resist parental manipulation?

How do the relationships between children and parents develop?

In most cases, these relationships are healthy. However, in some situations this is not the case, and this happens only because parents cannot let go of their already adult children. And to do this, they may constantly act like victims, blame their children for what is wrong in their lives, or they impose certain conditions. If any of these situations seem related, then you may be a victim of emotional manipulation. These actions on the part of parents can lead to devastating consequences for children, leading to low self-esteem, and constant feelings of anger, resentment and shame.

Signs of manipulation

Cry. The most famous way to control a parent is to cry. Such a system developed by itself when, at a younger age, children began to be pitied and appeased if tears appeared in their eyes. Around the age of 2-3 years, a child begins to use crying as a form of begging and forcing adults to do something. It’s one thing when he sobs bitterly from a bruised place, it’s another thing when he runs after his parents, sobbing and whining.

Hysterics. The child sensitively picks up on the parents’ weaknesses, and if he understands that screams, crazy hand movements and howls most upset mom and dad, then he begins to do this in the right situations. Children do not know how to experience shame and embarrassment. These feelings appear at an older age, and therefore they can throw tantrums in public places without any problems. If this happens from time to time, then the baby has put tantrums on the line.

Attachment. Kids quickly figure out things that make adults melt. If a parent smiles touchingly at words of love from a child, then this will not go unnoticed by him and it is possible that next time he will say this in order to make adults feel sympathy for him. The same goes for hugging and kissing. If this is manipulation, then the child, in response to the parent’s phrase that he still won’t get what he wants, will quickly push away mom or dad and run away.

Parents' competition. Children know for sure that mom and dad, no matter how much they love each other, always compete with each other, and therefore, with a categorical answer, moms go to dad, who, it is possible, will do the opposite. They can also, after receiving a gift from mom, brag to dad so that he will try to be better than her.

Cold War. If a daughter or son is capricious and refuses to do their usual chores all day long, they argue over clothes, food, sleep, and over every little thing, there is evidence of their dissatisfaction and an attempt to get from the parent a concession or thing that is important to them. This manipulation is aimed at starving out the parent, exhausting him with endless, seemingly correct discussions about why he should go to bed and so on.

Resentment. Pouting or a mannered reluctance to talk is an obvious attempt at manipulation to get what you want. This is what children 2-5 years old most often do, trying to get their parents to pity and condescend to their demands.

Why do parents manipulate their children?

Ironically, experts say shame and guilt are the primary tactics of emotionally manipulative parents. They rely on guilt as a means to achieve their goal. To fully understand what is happening, we need to distinguish between “manipulation” and “persuasion.” Manipulation is the desire to satisfy one’s own needs at any cost without considering the consequences and by influencing others. On the other hand, persuasion is more about the desire of the other person to fulfill your request. Some of the tactics used in manipulation or persuasion may be similar, but the intention, intensity, and persistence used in the interaction can help us understand what is happening. So what can adult children do when dealing with emotionally manipulative parents or relatives?

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How to understand that you are being manipulated?

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Manipulation, as a rule, has very specific signs by which it can be calculated. To do this, it is enough for you to observe yourself and what is happening.

They put pressure on you, demand, and are not interested in your feelings and needs.
Your life is “under the hood” of your parents; many important things for you are decided either with their participation or even by them. For example, which partner should you choose?
Responsibility for the situation and behavior is placed on you, and the manipulator takes a strategically advantageous position, presenting himself as: A more mature person, an authority
Upholder of morality
A victim of your arbitrariness or circumstances

Why do we need relationships?

Set your intentions

Think about it, is your mother-in-law asking something about you because she wants you to do something for her, or because she wants to spend time with you? Is your father trying to bend you to his will or is he just lonely? Determine this by looking at the big picture, not just individual words spoken or direct interactions. Answer the question, what is the background of the relationship? Are your boundaries generally respected? Is she caring or is she completely self-centered? The answers to these questions can help you figure out whether this is manipulation or whether you should really sympathize with the parents.

What to do

Children manipulate their parents consciously and unconsciously. Unconscious manipulation is when the mechanism for achieving one’s goal has not been worked out. The child is really sick, very upset, offended or depressed by the refusal. His emotional reaction, of course, is a sign of manipulation, but at the same time he does not expect a good result, but only expresses his emotions. Conscious manipulations occur in children when they perform the same tricks over and over again and, moreover, hone their technical skills: they cry harder, howl more vociferously, remain silent longer, bicker more refined. In this case, it is worth taking some measures. Here is a short list of how to deal with the problem:

Learns to say “no” and be assertive. A child must have limitations in order to grow up. The psyche is structured in such a way that it always wants something and works on the “yes” principle. Therefore, a young child’s violent reaction to a parent’s refusal is normal. Another thing is that you need to endure it and convince the child to do it his own way. A child grows up only by learning and recognizing prohibitions.
Recognize that his behavior is normal. Manipulation is the natural behavior of a person limited in his capabilities who does not want or does not know how to take responsibility. Children do not know how to be responsible and cannot yet, because they want everything all the time, and if they could do without a parent, they would have done so long ago. Therefore, there is no point in being scared by their manipulations and worrying that this is abnormal. It is important to be able to convey the consequences of the child’s wishes and fulfill their reasonable demands.
Don't argue. The child’s tactic is to exhaust the parent, so it is wise to avoid all sorts of tedious dialogues. If a child has been arguing for more than 10 minutes, then there is only one reason for all this - to bring the parent to the point where he gives up from fatigue. Therefore, if a clear “no” is said, then the argument should be short and without lengthy discussions on this matter.
Don't change your mind. Of course, being always like flint is a dangerous strategy. It does not build trust in the child and makes him inflexible in his own life, but also changing his opinion under pressure from the child is an even worse option. A parent must have several “golden” rules from which he cannot deviate and which he strictly adheres to. They should not fall under any childish emotional pressure. In addition, it is worth having “silver” rules, which may change, but not significantly. And all other subjective requirements set according to the situation and which can be discussed with your son or daughter.
Discussion with children. It is important to raise a child through constant discussions with him about the rules of behavior and what is good and bad. It should crystallize in front of children why it is worth doing this way and not doing it any other way. All such discussions should be conducted in a calm atmosphere, before the child resorts to blackmail, tears and threats.
Study yourself. The personality of any person is imperfect. Therefore, do not forget about self-development and improving your behavior and beliefs. This is especially important if the parent tends to merge excessively with the child, living only his life, or when, on the contrary, he is cruel and dry. After all, in general, giving in to manipulation is a sign of emotionality and humanity. Living solely by logic alone is not realistic. A child grows up when he learns not only to follow logic, but also knows how to manage his feelings, and not just avoid them. And if you don’t succumb to the child’s emotional influence at all, this means fostering his alienation and shaming him for his imperfections.
Learn to take responsibility. A request differs from manipulation in that children do not think about the consequences of their desires. As a result, they ignore the parent's reasoning and continue to demand. In order for the child not to constantly slip into manipulation, he needs to be prepared so that he himself begins to think about what will happen if his wishes come true and what he will do about it. While he is small, such conversations are meaningless, but as he grows older, he needs to be entrusted with tasks and responsibilities that would help him understand his actions and capabilities.

Grievances

In every family there is an offended person in whom everyone is afraid to carry water. Remember Eeyore in the cartoon Winnie the Pooh? He was always dissatisfied with everything, only then he found the strength to rejoice at the honey jug, the burst balloon and his tail. Until then, he mumbled and mumbled.

Such people seem submissive, they humbly accept the hardships of life and mumble, mumble and mumble:

“Well, what can I do, how long do I have to live there”;
“I already had everything, now I can just while away my life”;
“Nothing, I’ve never been to the sea, so I don’t have to go.”

Such a manipulator causes a feeling of guilt in the lucky and merry people:

“Have fun, and I’ll cry”;
“You go, and I’ll give myself an injection”;
“Don’t think about me, this is a small thing, enjoy life, and somehow I’ll do it myself.”

They usually accompany all their phrases with facial expressions and staging: drooping shoulders, dull eyes, quiet voice. The manipulator masters the technique of “suffering” to perfection and successfully terrorizes the entire family, especially children. Read on topic:

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Consequences

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, if you indulge them, if you go along with them, the child may grow up with incorrect, “unhealthy” attitudes for the future.

Manipulation will become so firmly ingrained in a person’s character that it is difficult to predict what lengths he will be willing to go to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old. The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

Agree, it is very scary to deal with an experienced and cunning adult manipulator. Most people know how to recognize manipulators, they feel them with a sixth sense, intuitively, and try to avoid them. Therefore, it will be extremely difficult for such matured psychological “terrorists” to build friendly relationships, start a family, and integrate into work groups.

If a manipulator has been able to force people to “dance to his tune” since childhood, and one day the well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly malfunctions, this can turn into a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a collapse of life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a complex and unpleasant diagnosis.

As a victim

Psychologist Eric Berne argued that people always play games to successfully manipulate. One of the common games is: “Look what you did to me.” It is used to induce feelings of guilt and with its help get what you want. This technique is often used by mothers in relation to their children. “I try for you, I do, and you.../I don’t work because of you, we limit ourselves in many ways...” The child develops the opinion that he is a tormentor. This type of manipulation is often passed down from generation to generation: from grandmother to mother, from mother to daughter... After all, being a victim is easy and convenient.

Any of our manipulations greatly deforms the child’s psyche. Children always copy our behavior, and the hour is not far off when they skillfully put this mechanism into action. And we will get tantrums in stores because of an unpurchased toy, slamming doors, puffy cheeks, unpleasant comparisons with other parents. How can this be avoided?

Important

The most common techniques of young manipulators:

Others have better parents. They allow everything, they bought everything, they let them go everywhere - but I’m not there. By comparing you with other “kind and understanding” parents, the child wants to make you feel guilty. (You shouldn’t have given him other children as examples!) Now just say that the child will not achieve anything with such comparisons, and you are not playing his “games.”

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We will just clean up, and they will smear the carpet with plasticine and paints, and with a malicious smile on their lips. On the street they try to run away, and when you are busy they do everything to attract your attention. The secret is simple: they really need your participation. For children, pranks and pranks are the easiest way to get their mother’s attention, even if it’s negative. Crocodile tears. Any mother is ready to “give up” at the sight of her crying child. Especially when your nerves are already on edge and you don’t have the strength to endure another hysteria. Girls and boys know very well that tears are their most important weapon, ready to unbalance the most persistent.

In fact, the “grandfather’s” phrases: “If he cries, he will calm down”, “Cry more, pee less” - most often work. If you ignore the tears, after a few unsuccessful wailings, children really understand that crying is an ineffective manipulation.

The most important thing in the fight against manipulation is to make it clear to your child that bad behavior is completely boycotted by you. And only obedience is encouraged.

Mistakes parents make when communicating with manipulative children - what not to do and say?

Don't let the situation get worse. Teach your child to negotiate and seek compromise, do not cherish his manipulative behavior.
Don’t blame yourself for being “tough” when a child cries in the middle of the street without receiving the next batch of cars. This is not cruelty - it is part of the educational process.
Don’t swear, don’t shout, and don’t use physical force under any circumstances - no spanking, slaps on the head, or screams of “well, I’m right for you!” Calmness and confidence are your main parenting tools in this situation. If the hysteria is repeated, it means that persuasion is not working - be tough. The moment of truth is not always pleasant, and the baby must understand and remember this.
Don't give long lectures about "good and bad." Firmly state your position, clearly formulate the reason for refusing the child’s request, and stick to the chosen path.
Do not allow a situation where a child falls asleep after a quarrel without making peace with you. A child should go to bed and go to school in a state of absolute calm and awareness that his mother loves him and everything is fine.
Do not demand from your child what you cannot do yourself. If you smoke, do not ask your teenager to quit smoking. If you don't particularly like cleaning, don't ask your child to put away toys. Teach your child by example.
Do not limit your child in anything and everything. Give him at least a little freedom of choice. For example, what kind of blouse does he want to wear, what side dish does he want for lunch, where does he want to go, etc.
Don't let your child ignore your own needs. Teach him to take into account your needs and desires. And also try to take into account the child’s wishes.

And most importantly - do not ignore the child . After the incident is over, be sure to kiss and hug your child. Having set the boundaries of behavior for your child, do not move away from him!

Have you ever had to find an approach to a manipulative child? Share your parenting experiences in the comments below!