6 types of toxic parents and how to deal with them correctly

Teenagers don't trust their parents

Trust is a fragile thing that is very easy to destroy. Teenagers are sensitive to this, because from childhood they are accustomed to trusting mom and dad. To prevent this from happening, you should not share their secrets with anyone (even with your significant other), and you should not undermine their authority with friends by telling situations from their lives that could put them in an awkward position. But most importantly, you absolutely cannot go back on your words. If you want to build trust, then forever forget such phrases as: “Well, you never know what I promised,” “Well, you never know what I said.” If you do not keep your promises, they will not believe you, and most often you will hear the following words: “You always only promise.” Such statements will be followed by resentment and hatred.

Reasons for resentment towards parents

Resentment is a negative feeling that arises in response to an undeserved insult, humiliation, violation of personal boundaries, hurting the Ego. We get offended when it seems to us that someone is treating us unfairly or badly. Resentment is a complex of emotions. However, its main component is suppressed aggression. We are angry at the one who attacks, but if for some reason we cannot express this anger, then it transforms into resentment.

In the case of childhood grievances, the following reasons can be named (situations of transformation of anger into resentment):

child abuse (beatings, punishment);
failure to fulfill parental responsibilities;
emotional, psychological or physical abuse;
living in poverty or poverty (even if the parents behave well and love the child);
criticism and inflated demands, expectations;
negative comparisons with other children;
emotional coldness and detachment of parents;
love for one child and hatred for another;
shifting parental responsibilities onto the child (childhood was taken away);
addictions and antisocial lifestyle of parents;
overprotection and manipulation like “Don’t you feel sorry for me?”, “Your antics make me feel bad.”

And it happens that a person hardly remembers his mother or father, but he is offended by the fact that he was abandoned. And we are talking not only about those cases when children are abandoned or taken away from the family. Sometimes resentment arises in response to the death of a loved one.

Important! You can name hundreds of options for the development of childhood grievances and their types, but they are all connected with one thing: an unsatisfied need for love. A child becomes offended when he does not feel loved, valuable, significant, and also when he does not have a sense of stability and security. A person may be 20, 30 or 50 years old, but until this problem is solved, psychologically he remains an offended child.

Parents do not give freedom for self-development

Self-development is very important, remember, because at their age you also strived to do something on your own. Being a teenager is very difficult. It’s like you’re no longer a child and you can make some decisions yourself, you can study some things yourself, but you’re not yet an adult to be allowed to do all this yourself. You should trust your child more, give him a little more freedom, and he will be grateful to you. If you restrict and prohibit him in everything, then before you know it, he will turn into an adult 30-year-old man, completely devoid of independence, who does nothing but sit in the next room at the computer, and he doesn’t even know what work is. knows. The phrase: “I definitely won’t succeed” will interfere with his life.

Why teenagers devalue their parents: a psychologist explains

“Yesterday he was a wonderful child, ready to listen to his parents, but today I don’t recognize this monster!” - such comments are often written in parent groups by mothers of teenagers. Yes, where do these monsters come from who don’t value us at all and devalue everything we try to do for them? Psychologist Elena Kuznetsova answered this question.

Kuznetsova published a post on her Facebook about depreciation on the part of teenagers a few days ago. By the time of writing, he had received a little more than a hundred shares, but we think he deserves more attention. Here are a few quotes from it.

“Devaluation is a mechanism by which we can see something large as reduced. Less important, significant. Change scale. Reducing the importance of parental participation in their own life is the path that a teenager moves towards, forming his own subjectivity. He already knows a lot, he succeeds in a lot, and, sometimes being in the illusions of children’s magical thinking, his consciousness tries to turn everything big into small things in order to reduce fear, in order to approach,” writes the expert.

She further recalls that in mythical sources, the world that a teenager had to master and which opened up to him was often symbolized by mountains. “The personalities of parents are also like mountains for a child in childhood. And an overestimation of the scale of our influence on his life can also in some places lead to devaluation. Depreciation as a stage. As a way to create new relationships, defining new proportions of responsibility, management, influence,” the psychologist points out.

According to Kuznetsova, at this stage of a child’s life it is very important to maintain one’s “maturity,” but this is possible if everything is in order with our parental self-esteem. That is, when we are confident in our competencies and know what it took us to raise and educate this child.

Children's behavior does not pose a threat to reality. And it can only pose a danger to the teenager himself, if his vision of himself is very different from hers. Our support should be to be willing to communicate during times of frustration. Because any overestimation of your own capabilities will be followed by disappointment. And let it not be destructive of self-confidence, but only clarifying. “Yes, it’s not easy. But you can practice, learn more and reach new heights,” the post says.

In general, our parental task is not to confront a teenager in moments of devaluation, but to gently support him, guiding and suggesting solutions. This will not only help him maintain trust in his parents, but will also give him confidence that he can turn to them, that is, you, with problems and difficulties. “If we do not lose trust in the eyes of a teenager, he will come to us more than once to share. Including about your misconceptions,” emphasizes Ekaterina.

Yes, teenagers, for all their roughness and dissatisfaction with everyone and everything (and especially their parents, of course), are fragile creatures in need of care. And learning to give it carefully and environmentally is one of the most ambitious tasks for fathers and mothers.

Parents do not react correctly to frankness

Every parent wants to know what is happening in the life of their 15-17 year old teenager, but it is their own fault that they do not tell him anything. The reason is this: he knows that if he tells you something, even about a small problem that he will sooner or later deal with, you will make a mountain out of a molehill, fall into aggression, panic and shout at him: “What are you doing?” thought when I got into this??” The teenager understands that you will blame him and not support him. Therefore, he faces every problem alone. Reconsider your attitude, don’t panic, remember something, and especially punish. It’s better to say that you understand how difficult it is for him to find himself in this situation, but he shouldn’t be upset, a way out can always be found.

“I hate my mother to death. What to do?"

Question from Natalia, Krasnodar:

And if you want to kill your mother, what should you do?

Answered by Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist:

Hello, Natasha!

Such thoughts arise from despair. You feel very bad and you blame your mother for it. Often those closest to us hurt us more than our sworn enemies. Perhaps you feel severe resentment, feel that your mother is treating you unfairly, causing pain through misunderstanding, through her words and actions. Unfortunately, you are not the only one in this situation.

Unfortunately, very often extremely negative feelings, even hatred, arise between parents and children. Parents hate their children because they do not live up to their expectations, do not obey and do what they want.

Children hate their parents for slightly different reasons. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the main condition for the full development of a child, and therefore the ability to feel joy in life, is the feeling of safety and security that he receives directly from the mother.

There may be little food or toys, poor conditions or poor health, but if the child feels that he is safe with his mother, that his mother is calm and will always protect him, then his psyche develops normally. He grows, masters new skills, knowledge and territories. She is gradually preparing to break away from her parents and move into adulthood, independently providing herself with a sense of security and safety.

If a mother screams, hits, or lashes out at her child all the time, then the child does not feel this basic, vital feeling. It’s even worse when the mother does not understand the nature of her child’s mental structure and begins to make impossible demands on him. For example, constantly tugging at a leisurely representative of the anal vector, or, even worse, disgracing him in front of friends. Or screaming into the ears of a sonic child, making it impossible to concentrate.

Why does mom do this?

Firstly, because he perceives the child through himself, that is, he does not understand the difference in properties, does not understand his characteristics and needs. And he does exactly the opposite of what the child needs: he yells at the sound guy, he hurries the anal guy, he hits the skin guy, he scares the audience. She doesn’t intentionally make him feel bad: she just doesn’t know the best options.

And secondly, because she herself feels bad. It’s bad for various reasons: an unhappy childhood, an unsuccessful relationship with her husband, unfulfillment. Without a feeling of safety and security inside, the mother cannot convey this feeling to the child. On the contrary, without wanting it, she dumps her bad states, fears, and frustrations on him.

What happens to the child?

Losing a sense of security, receiving psychological trauma, the child is not able to develop normally, he cannot learn to receive a feeling of satisfaction from the use of his natural properties, and the formation of the skills and abilities necessary for adult life is disrupted. Growing up, the child is not able to take full responsibility for his life and now, in turn, accumulates serious conditions and frustrations. When we feel bad, we hate...

It is especially difficult for children with a sound vector. Screams and humiliation of parents hit the most sensitive place of the sound player. And he, capable of perceiving the subtlest sounds, hastens to close himself off from the world around him, withdraws into himself in order to protect his psyche from this shock. His ability to contact the outside world is rapidly declining.

The sound artist is little concerned about material things; he is focused on his internal states, because his task is to reveal the meaning of life, the unconscious nature of man. He can do this only by maintaining adequate contact with the outside world. Withdrawal into oneself is always, sooner or later, accompanied by depression - this is the most difficult condition that a person cannot cope with alone.

In sound there is no value of the body; on the contrary, there is a feeling that I am my soul, and the body is like an appendage, like a disturbing element, chaining the sound artist to this hateful, painful world. Therefore, the hatred that arises in a state of depression is often aimed at destroying the bodies of both one’s own and others. Often such thoughts are facilitated by the presence of an anal vector in a state of severe resentment towards the mother and the world.

When we feel good, we don't hate

What is important is that the occurrence of these conditions is natural, but this is not a death sentence. Having found the cause of their occurrence, we are able to neutralize the most severe conditions. Hatred and the desire for death for another goes away when we find support within ourselves, realize our real desires and understand how to fill them. This is evidenced by many reviews of sound artists who experienced similar difficult conditions, but managed to regain the meaning of life and the ability to enjoy it.

Understanding the reasons for the behavior of your own parents, forgiving childhood grievances, throwing off the heavy burden of negative relationships - all these problems can be solved by training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Having let go of the past, you can look to the future with confidence. You can register for free lectures here: https://www.yburlan.ru/training/.

The article was written using training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist

Section: Psychology

December 13, 2020 Comments: Views: 9278 Tags: I feel bad psychology

Parents say their child “owes” them

“I carried you, gave birth to you, didn’t sleep at night because of you, fed you, dressed you, raised you, and what about you??” - forget these phrases forever. Of course, you want your child to show respect to you, but for this it is not enough just to give birth and raise it, you need to earn it. These words do not awaken feelings of love and gratitude in the child, but, on the contrary, draw out the phrase: “I have not forgiven you for doing this.” Gratitude should come from the heart, and not from a sense of duty. Under no circumstances should you blame them. This will bring hatred, because the child will not know that you love him simply because you have him.

Love for children - what is it?

What does it mean to love a child? Today they talk and write a lot about unconditional love .

This is the value and ideal of time, in a sense, its philosophical characteristic. They say and write a lot, but do all parents understand what it is?

Unconditional love is the complete acceptance of your loved one. This is not easy, it requires work on yourself, certain mental strength.

This means that your child is your main love, not because he diligently plays the violin, has beautiful brown eyes, or because he is the smartest in the class.

Unconditional love is complete acceptance of a person for who they are, simply because they are your person. In this case, this is complete acceptance of the child, because you gave birth to him.

This is your life’s work: to grow a personality from a small seed. And you do not impose your vision of an ideal child on your own child, but accept your descendant in his real form - not the most ideal, not always able to do what you expect from him.

And one more thing: love is an active feeling. It encourages: you love not just when you watch from the window as your cute baby plays in the sandbox.

Love is when you set up a sandbox in your own yard, so as not to go to someone else’s, so that your child does what he really likes, and therefore is happy.

Parents do not treat them as equals

At their age, they consider themselves quite mature and independent. They are very angry that their parents cannot communicate with them as equals. That is, the phrases: “You are still too young,” “They don’t ask you,” “I’m not interested in your opinion” awaken resentment and the most bitter feelings in them. Yes, in most situations, it’s true that the decision should remain with adults, but no child in the world wants to know that his opinion is an empty phrase for the closest and dearest people. Play the situation to your advantage: listen to the children with interest, compromise on something, offer an alternative and say that their point of view is very important to you.

Take care of your children and remember that they love you very much!

How to manage a teenager's behavior

If you find yourself in a situation where it seems like you can't do anything about an out-of-control teenager, remind yourself that you are not alone. There are many other parents experiencing the same problems as you.

Here are some tips to help you ease the situation:

Remind yourself that this behavior is normal.

Every time your teen responds with harsh words or seems irritated by your very existence, remind yourself that this is a normal part of their development. Take a deep breath and then answer. Of course, adolescence does not give your child permission to say hateful things, and they need to be reminded of the fact that they are hurting other people. But try not to take your teen's actions too personally. Remind yourself that this is a phase he is going through and will eventually become an independent and responsible young man. This won't last forever.

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Set rules about respect

While it's completely normal for your child to separate from you during their teenage years, you should never accept their constant disrespect. Remind him that he can express his opinions, frustrations, and disagreements in a normal tone and respectful words. Explain that he needs to find the right words to tell someone what is really bothering him. It is not necessary to say “I hate you!” When you're both calm, remind your teen that if he wants to be treated like an adult, then he needs to communicate like an adult.

Know when to dig deep

Sometimes teenagers will get angry at you even when their disappointment has little to do with you. In this case, you are simply an easy and safe target. In these situations, it is important to distinguish between normal adolescent frustration and more serious problems such as bullying, peer pressure, or social exclusion. If your teen's reaction seems extreme to you, you may want to explore it a little deeper. Instead of getting angry at the outburst, take a deep breath and take a step back. Consider why he might behave this way, and then ask thoughtful, open-ended questions.

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Don't be afraid of being disliked

One of the main responsibilities of parents is to help develop a teenager into a responsible, caring adult. Sometimes the result is that your child doesn't like you. But it normal. It is important that you be a parent first and focus on guiding your teen in the right direction. If parents focus too much on being a friend to their teen instead of being a good father or mother, bad things can happen. Remember, your teen has many friends, but only you can act as a parent.

Keep calm

It can be difficult to remain calm when your teenager is insulting you. But if you take the bait and engage in shouting and arguing, your relationship with your child will quickly spiral out of control. Instead, take a deep breath before you say anything. Even leaving the room for a few minutes to calm down can help. The point is that you should not stoop to your teenager's level and engage in this fight filled with hurtful words.

Remember, teens often don't realize they are causing harm. As a result, when you respond calmly, you can diffuse the situation before it gets out of control. You can still hold your teen responsible for the disrespect, but there is no reason for you to be disrespectful.

Loosen your grip

Remember that it is good for your teen to take risks and make mistakes. This is part of the learning process. Too often, parents make the mistake of trying to maintain power over their teenagers and trying to control their every move. When this happens, it almost always results in rebellion. Even if you don't agree with your teen's suggestions or ideas, be sure that you treat them with respect. Listen to what he has to say without lecturing.

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Embrace Teen Independence

As teenagers get older, they desire more privacy. They may even share less information with you than before. As long as they are healthy, doing well in school, and not showing any signs of depression or substance abuse, there should be a little space between you two. Teens need the freedom to make their own plans, choose their friends, and think for themselves.

This new distance between you and your baby can feel insecure. On the one hand, you are happy that he is becoming more independent and responsible, but on the other hand, you are sad that he seems to be moving away from you. To cope with the emptiness you feel, focus on non-parenting activities that you find fulfilling. You should also do things that make you happy, such as going for walks, reading good books, watching movies, or having a quiet dinner with your spouse.

The teenage years are filled with challenges, but they can also be some of the most rewarding years of parenting. And even if it seems that a teenager hates his parents, this is temporary. Don't let these challenges stop you from watching your teen mature into who they are meant to be.

How to work through a grudge against parents

How to work through and let go of resentment towards parents? To work through childhood grievances, it is better to consult a psychologist. This is a very complex and painful process that your subconscious will resist. However, there are some things you can do on your own to heal and let go of parental trauma:

Realize that your inner child is offended. Adults and self-sufficient people are not offended.
Take back your position as an adult. Your inner child needs treatment, care, love. Your inner adult can give him this. To regain your position as an adult, write down on paper all those qualities and areas of life that reflect him. Refer to these qualities as often as possible. For example, the determination and determination of an adult will help you quit your unloved job and find the activity you dreamed of as a child. The restraint and rationality of an adult will allow you to comfort your inner child. With their help, you will stop blaming and scolding yourself for every little thing, you will begin to understand everything in detail, etc.
Compensate for what was missing in childhood. Make your list of grievances and unmet needs and desires and begin compensation. Become your own caring parent. Try to express your thoughts as specifically as possible. For example, instead of the abstract “There wasn’t enough love,” write what you mean by this, what manifestations of love you need.
Let your parents go. You can be offended by them, angry, not accepting, but you must stop expecting compensation from them. Consciously or unconsciously (usually the latter), they have already made their choice. The time has come for you to make a choice: leave your resentment here and now.