“I hate my mother to death. What to do?"
Question from Natalia, Krasnodar:
And if you want to kill your mother, what should you do?
Answered by Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist:
Hello, Natasha!
Such thoughts arise from despair. You feel very bad and you blame your mother for it. Often those closest to us hurt us more than our sworn enemies. Perhaps you feel severe resentment, feel that your mother is treating you unfairly, causing pain through misunderstanding, through her words and actions. Unfortunately, you are not the only one in this situation.
Unfortunately, very often extremely negative feelings, even hatred, arise between parents and children. Parents hate their children because they do not live up to their expectations, do not obey and do what they want.
Children hate their parents for slightly different reasons. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the main condition for the full development of a child, and therefore the ability to feel joy in life, is the feeling of safety and security that he receives directly from the mother.
There may be little food or toys, poor conditions or poor health, but if the child feels that he is safe with his mother, that his mother is calm and will always protect him, then his psyche develops normally. He grows, masters new skills, knowledge and territories. She is gradually preparing to break away from her parents and move into adulthood, independently providing herself with a sense of security and safety.
If a mother screams, hits, or lashes out at her child all the time, then the child does not feel this basic, vital feeling. It’s even worse when the mother does not understand the nature of her child’s mental structure and begins to make impossible demands on him. For example, constantly tugging at a leisurely representative of the anal vector, or, even worse, disgracing him in front of friends. Or screaming into the ears of a sonic child, making it impossible to concentrate.
Why does mom do this?
Firstly, because he perceives the child through himself, that is, he does not understand the difference in properties, does not understand his characteristics and needs. And he does exactly the opposite of what the child needs: he yells at the sound guy, he hurries the anal guy, he hits the skin guy, he scares the audience. She doesn’t intentionally make him feel bad: she just doesn’t know the best options.
And secondly, because she herself feels bad. It’s bad for various reasons: an unhappy childhood, an unsuccessful relationship with her husband, unfulfillment. Without a feeling of safety and security inside, the mother cannot convey this feeling to the child. On the contrary, without wanting it, she dumps her bad states, fears, and frustrations on him.
What happens to the child?
Losing a sense of security, receiving psychological trauma, the child is not able to develop normally, he cannot learn to receive a feeling of satisfaction from the use of his natural properties, and the formation of the skills and abilities necessary for adult life is disrupted. Growing up, the child is not able to take full responsibility for his life and now, in turn, accumulates serious conditions and frustrations. When we feel bad, we hate...
It is especially difficult for children with a sound vector. Screams and humiliation of parents hit the most sensitive place of the sound player. And he, capable of perceiving the subtlest sounds, hastens to close himself off from the world around him, withdraws into himself in order to protect his psyche from this shock. His ability to contact the outside world is rapidly declining.
The sound artist is little concerned about material things; he is focused on his internal states, because his task is to reveal the meaning of life, the unconscious nature of man. He can do this only by maintaining adequate contact with the outside world. Withdrawal into oneself is always, sooner or later, accompanied by depression - this is the most difficult condition that a person cannot cope with alone.
In sound there is no value of the body; on the contrary, there is a feeling that I am my soul, and the body is like an appendage, like a disturbing element, chaining the sound artist to this hateful, painful world. Therefore, the hatred that arises in a state of depression is often aimed at destroying the bodies of both one’s own and others. Often such thoughts are facilitated by the presence of an anal vector in a state of severe resentment towards the mother and the world.
When we feel good, we don't hate
What is important is that the occurrence of these conditions is natural, but this is not a death sentence. Having found the cause of their occurrence, we are able to neutralize the most severe conditions. Hatred and the desire for death for another goes away when we find support within ourselves, realize our real desires and understand how to fill them. This is evidenced by many reviews of sound artists who experienced similar difficult conditions, but managed to regain the meaning of life and the ability to enjoy it.
Understanding the reasons for the behavior of your own parents, forgiving childhood grievances, throwing off the heavy burden of negative relationships - all these problems can be solved by training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Having let go of the past, you can look to the future with confidence. You can register for free lectures here: https://www.yburlan.ru/training/.
The article was written using training materials on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Tatyana Sosnovskaya, teacher, psychologist
Section: Psychology
December 13, 2020 Comments: Views: 9278 Tags: I feel bad psychology
How to behave when your son insults you?
After analyzing the reasons for your son’s aggressive behavior, you can develop a strategy for your future behavior. Under no circumstances react immediately and emotionally, even if the offense stung you painfully in the heart! Just keep quiet. A woman who has been deafened by a portion of insults will not immediately find the right words from shock. The golden rule here is to remain silent first.
In most cases, your son will almost immediately feel (although he will not show it outwardly) that he has hurt his mother very much and will see suffering in your silence. While your son is thinking about his action, you should also think hard and remember how you could have hurt your son at one time!
We are all human, and it is natural for us to make mistakes.
The trouble is not the mistake we made, but the fact that we don’t realize it! Perhaps, having found the reason for your son’s rude attitude in your early communication, you yourself will decide to apologize to him. And don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness first in your situation. After all, I respond with kindness to the anger that has seized your son; you will show him a good example. And only your love and wisdom will return your son and your family relationships. Did you like the article? Share with your friends:
Resentment: psychology and reasons
People of any age are not required to have positive feelings towards their parents.
Any feelings experienced towards them are normal, and one should not try to present them as not normal, especially since every feeling, both positive and negative, requires reasons.
Negative feelings towards parents can have different expressions : from mild hostility to strong hatred.
At the same time, a negative feeling may not be permanent, but appear from time to time, for example, in cases when another conflict arose between a parent and an adult child.
Acute hatred is usually observed in the following cases:
- When parents behaved toxically for a long time. Toxicity can refer to many conditions.
This includes various types of violence (physical, beatings, pushes, slaps, taking away food as punishment (“Today you will go without dinner”), psychological, gaslighting, refusal to provide medical care, invasion of personal space up to the desire to prevent the child from opportunities are personal space to have, ridicule, humiliation, insults, a ban on hobbies, walks, communication with anyone, sex, rape, involvement in the provision of sexual services, actions of a sexual nature), and refusal to fulfill parental responsibilities, ignoring needs of children, and the desire to place exorbitant responsibility on the child, to force him to fulfill all his whims. You can read more about what toxicity is in the book Toxic Parents, written by Susan Forward. A child who has grown up, who has met good people, who has received care and love, who has fully realized that what was happening to him is terrible, can begin to hate his parents extremely strongly and feel acute resentment. - When something happened that dramatically changed the attitude of children towards their parents. For example, one of the parents committed a serious crime.
Or the truth about some of his actions came to light. If what happened was serious and contrary to the moral principles present in children, they may turn away from the parent. Also, hatred towards one of the parents can arise in cases where he or she has behaved extremely toxicly towards the spouse for a long time. - When one or both parents, having learned some information about the grown-up child, began to behave toxically. There can be many reasons for a change in attitude. For example, parents learned the truth about the child’s sexual orientation, which he hid. Either he lost his job, or chose as his partner an unsuitable candidate, in the opinion of his parents, or changed his faith. If they begin to aggressively try to “correct” the child, this may cause hatred or expressed hostility in him.
A strong negative reaction to parents can occur if a person begins treatment with a qualified psychotherapist , since during the treatment process he will inevitably be forced to relive situations that caused him burning pain in childhood.
If treatment with a psychotherapist causes such reactions, this is a good sign that the therapy is working as expected.
Sometimes hatred or expressed hostility arises towards a good, responsible parent .
This usually happens when a person is involved in a toxic romantic relationship and is not sufficiently aware of it, and one or both parents notice and try to help.
In this case, a person may begin to get angry with them, because they speak poorly of their beloved, who “is actually not like that at all.”
What problems arise?
The main problems with parents in adult children that can cause negative feelings (usually less intense than hatred and expressed hostility):
- Parents treat an adult child like a small child and interfere too much in his life. This is most relevant in cases where the child was overprotected in the family.
His mother and father, who did everything for him, made decisions for him and felt absolute power, are faced with circumstances in which he does not need them. Firstly, this leads to a crisis, parents feel that they have grown old, that most of their life has passed, they feel fear, and secondly, they do not like that they have lost control. In some cases, parents do not even fully realize that their children have entered an independent life and do not need an excessive amount of help. They impose themselves, give inappropriate advice, get angry, judge, press for pity, blackmail, and the grown-up child begins to feel irritated and angry. - The parent develops age-related pathologies that negatively affect his character and personality. Discirculatory encephalopathy, consequences of stroke and other vascular problems, depression, Alzheimer's disease, hypochondria can seriously change the personality of an elderly parent, make his decisions and behavior illogical, inadequate, and complicate interaction with him. It is important for children caring for their parents to be aware of their illnesses and how they affect their personality.
Also, negative feelings may arise towards parents who have serious pathological addictions (gambling addiction, alcoholism, drug addiction).
Who is guilty?
Parents are usually to blame for the appearance of old grievances in children , since these grievances begin to grow in early childhood due to the incorrect and sometimes toxic behavior of the mother or father.
But looking for someone to blame for more recent conflicts is futile.
It is much more important for parents to realize that their children have grown up and learn to keep their distance from them , and for children to be patient and understand how best to interact with their parents.
How to cope with hatred of your own child? Advice from psychologists will help you!
