Do you doubt your every word, are you afraid to make decisions, and the disapproval of others spoils your mood for at least several days?
BeautyHack decided that it was time to stop doubting our own abilities and talked to a psychologist about how to deal with this problem.
Elena Beletskaya
Practicing Master of Psychology
What is self-doubt?
First of all, it is the inability to adequately assess oneself and one’s strengths. Unconfident people may have a lot of knowledge and valuable information, but will be afraid to present it, believing that their skills and experience are not enough. Self-doubt can also be expressed in mild shyness or serious fears. For example, a person may experience panic attacks or even suffer from social anxiety.
According to many experts, the roots of any insecurity go deep into childhood. If a child received little praise and heard only criticism, the likelihood of developing self-doubt and, as a consequence, an inferiority complex is very high.
How do complexes arise?
Most complexes arise in childhood. Observing school-age children, we can already say with confidence who has complexes. Analyzing their behavior, communication with peers, presence of friends, confidence in actions.
Very often, parents and teachers misjudge the child, focusing on modesty and lack of activity. The reason may be hidden deeper, and the child has a problem that worries him, but he is embarrassed to talk about it.
Basic complexes in childhood:
- Completeness.
- Red hair color.
- Vision problems that require the use of glasses.
- Absence of one of the parents.
- Crooked teeth.
- Poor financial situation of the family.
- Unfashionable clothes.
Read more: 7 ways to get rid of complexes
If for some reason children's complexes were not eliminated, they may appear in adulthood. What could this lead to?
- Inability to start a family.
- Sexual dissatisfaction.
- Lack of self-confidence.
- Reluctance to develop yourself and achieve success.
- Confidence in constant failure.
- Lack of friends and sufficient communication.
- Self-isolation.
Such people lead a passive lifestyle. Many continue to live with their parents, are afraid to change something, make any decisions, do not stand out in society, and wear inconspicuous clothes. At work they occupy low positions, there is a complete lack of initiative on their part in any matters. Depression from childhood leads to the fact that these people remain alone or their lives are unfavorable.
Why is self-doubt dangerous?
We can absolutely say that excessive shyness and complexities prevent people from living a full life. If, for example, you cannot present yourself in a favorable light in an interview, you are unlikely to be hired even if you have the necessary qualifications. And, of course, in personal life, self-doubt can play a cruel joke on a person. You may simply not dare to confess your feelings to your partner, and discord will occur in the relationship (you will find 6 reasons why you cannot build a relationship here).
How to get rid of uncertainty
Think positive
If you notice negative thoughts in yourself, focus on something positive. Prepare something in advance that will help you get into a positive mood. For example:
- List of counterarguments: “I will succeed,” “This is an opportunity to learn something new,” “I’m just wasting my time, doubts won’t change anything.”
- List of happy memories.
- A folder with photos that make you smile.
- A list of activities that energize you.
- Healthy food that you can quickly snack on.
Change your activity
The longer you dwell on one emotion, the harder it is to get rid of it. Relax and do something else. You will stop thinking about the unpleasant and look at everything from the other side.
Ask for help
The support of loved ones, friends or a manager will help in a difficult situation. And their advice will give you a boost of confidence and motivation.
Keep records
Every week, write down what makes you doubt yourself. This way you will determine what causes uncertainty and how to overcome it. Also write down what you are grateful for. You will begin to value yourself more and focus on what you have.
How to help yourself if you encounter such a problem?
The first and most important rule: stop comparing yourself to anyone. Remember that there are more than 7.7 billion people in the world, and each person is unique in their own way. You should not compare yourself with those who, in your opinion, look more beautiful or are more successful at work. Such comparisons will only lead to envy and further development of complexes. Of course, you can strive to become successful in some area like someone else. But should he imitate or copy his style?
The best strategy for dealing with self-doubt is to compare your present self with your past self. This analysis will help you see your personal growth and progress in the area you have been working on.
Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and always look for new opportunities. The comfort zone is a path to degradation, and a successful person needs constant growth. If you have a desire to become more confident in yourself, then it’s time to start fighting your fears. This doesn't mean you should immediately jump with a parachute if you are afraid of heights. You can start by walking through high-rise buildings, gradually rising higher. Also, you don’t have to rush to sign up for pick-up artist courses: you should start carefully getting acquainted with people of the opposite sex. For example, online dating will help if you are overcome by embarrassment.
Leaving your comfort zone does not mean taking extreme measures spontaneously and thoughtlessly. Such a step can only provoke additional stress, and this will definitely not be good for you. Start changing with small actions that are atypical for you. For example, walk instead of taking the bus, or plan out all your activities for the day if you haven't kept a diary before.
Also take up sports or dancing. Typically, athletes and people who carefully monitor their physical fitness are more confident. When playing sports, endorphin is released - a hormone that lifts your mood (a fitness trainer talks about the most common mistakes in fitness after 30 years here). A person becomes dependent on this hormone, wants to receive more of it, and physical activity easily becomes a habit. And as soon as a person sees the first results and changes in his body for the better, he always feels more confident. It is very important to recognize yourself, so even training at home will be important. In addition, when playing sports, endurance develops, immunity increases, and it’s just fun - in a good mood, all problems are solved faster and easier.
Be sure to remember that only those who do nothing make no mistakes. There are no ideal and flawless people! There is even a Latin proverb about this: “Errare humanum est”, which translated means: “To err is human.” You need to learn to perceive your mistakes not as mistakes, but as invaluable experience. Even from the most unpleasant event you can learn a useful lesson. It is important to learn to analyze your actions in order to know how to act next time. Read the biographies of successful and famous people - even they made mistakes on the way to their goals.
Love yourself! No advice will work until you love yourself. And the first step on this path is accepting yourself. You need to accept both your strengths and your shortcomings. Make a list of your positive sides and negative points and every morning or before going to bed, re-read the list of advantages to yourself, and during the day, consider one disadvantage and think about how you can correct it. Any disadvantage can be turned into an advantage if you carefully work on it. Self-love is also taking care of your physical and psychological well-being. Proper nutrition, regular physical activity, skin care - all these are the first and important steps towards self-acceptance. Sometimes it can be extremely difficult to believe in yourself and your strengths, but as soon as a person begins to try to change, he becomes more confident in himself. Such a person can move mountains on the way to his goal.
How to gain confidence with God's help?
We are so unsure of ourselves, we are subject to criticism and people’s opinions due to lack of understanding and awareness of the unity of everything that surrounds us.
We are all one, we have the same Spirit within us. But when pride and envy are placed very high and create the illusion of separation, then fear arises, then doubts overcome us, and we lose self-confidence.
Boris Grebenshchikov sings: “...you can go out into the field alone and know that you are armed...”
If you realize your Unity with God , you understand that you are not alone, that behind you is Great Power, the main force in the Universe, behind you is perfect power, behind you is the Lord, higher and brighter than Whom there is nothing, then what is the opinion of other people for you ?
Why am I not confident in myself? Because I only see what our eyes see. But if we take a powerful microscope and start zooming in. What will we see?
What rules can help when communicating with people?
If, even after raising your self-esteem, you still feel unsure when communicating with other people, try the following method. Start meeting more often with your closest friend, and then move on to communicating with less familiar people. Try to always be sincere and friendly, learn to clearly formulate your thoughts and voice them in the first person.
Also important is such a skill as the ability to politely refuse an interlocutor. At the same time, try to offer him alternative solutions to the issue. Analyze your speech and try to remove filler words. Learn to speak calmly and confidently, avoiding raised tones and displays of strong emotions.
When meeting strangers for the first time, choose a familiar place. Ask your interlocutor about his interests and review literature on this topic to make it easier to maintain a conversation. Also determine for yourself in which positions you are most comfortable communicating and learn to adopt them when communicating with your interlocutor.
And when speaking in front of a large audience, rehearse your speech and ask a friend to watch your performance and let him make his comments. Think about how you can correct the shortcomings. While speaking in front of an audience, look for the listener who is most attentive and sympathetic to you and express your thoughts as if only to him.
And always remember that you are a unique individual!
What kind of men do women with low self-esteem choose?
Insecure ladies attract powerful and authoritarian egoists who easily convince their significant other that their only goal in life is the well-being of their husband. This is not surprising, because a wife who “knows her place” is easy to manage. She silently follows orders and expects nothing in return.
A man will not think about how to raise a woman’s self-esteem, because in the current situation he does not need to strain to match his wife. Everything is forgiven to him, because the woman believes that she does not deserve more. “Happy” husbands are also freed from feelings of jealousy. The girls are grateful to the one who married them and do not think of looking at others. And even if they look at someone, the confidence that no one else is interested in them will not allow them to take any steps.
It should be noted that women with low self-esteem are manipulated not only by their husbands, but also by those around them. For this purpose, a feeling of non-existent guilt is instilled in the victim. To make amends for the “guilt,” ladies take on other people’s worries and try their best to do everything perfectly.
Read also:
Why does a husband insult and humiliate his wife? Psychology
