How to understand yourself and your life, your feelings: advice from a psychologist

0 8865 August 18, 2020 at 04:48 Author of the publication: Ekaterina Zhavoronkova, industrial engineer Editor: Tamara Tkachenko

I lost consciousness, only feelings remained... Subtle... Barely definable... Either I want music and flowers, or I want to stab someone. E. Schwartz “An Ordinary Miracle”

It happens that you yourself don’t understand what you want. Like this, and that, and the fifth, and the tenth - all at once or in turn. And one thing contradicts the other, you become completely confused in your own thoughts, feelings and desires, so much so that sometimes you even begin to think - I don’t want anything at all anymore. Only certainty. Just figure out how to understand yourself.

No, really! Other people seem to live, and everything is clear with them. They have goals, they have plans, they are generally even happy with life, they are not tormented by questions about how to understand themselves and understand themselves. And you’re the only one who’s not like everyone else, confused in yourself, and you want to shout out: “What’s wrong with me?!”

And the more you think, the more confused you become. And it’s so annoying and depressing that at some point you already hate your own habits of soul-searching and introspection. Moreover, they give nothing but disappointment and confusion in the head. What should I do?

There are a lot of materials on the Internet, psychologists’ websites, forums where you can ask questions and get answers on almost any problem. Partially it even helps - for a while. These are just some general tips: take care of yourself more, give yourself time to just think about what you want, write down a wish list, do what you love...

Probably good recommendations. If not for one thing: I don’t know how to understand what I want!

Where do psychological problems come from?

If a person experiences internal discomfort and dissatisfaction that does not go away even after the situation and the outside world change, we can talk about a psychological problem. People create themselves, so sometimes you need to direct all your strength and efforts to learn how to understand yourself and understand what you want. You can always find excuses for your inaction, but this will not help you become happy. To find harmony, you need to work on yourself, study special literature or visit a psychologist. To enjoy every day, you need to be patient and be positive.

When thinking about how to understand yourself, it is worth knowing that a person, in fact, has only two aspirations: “the desire to...” and “the desire from...”. Often the problem is twofold: a person wants to achieve a goal, but for some reason cannot do it. At the same time, due to psychological problems, there is a fear of achieving goals. These processes can take place both at the subconscious level and at the semi-conscious level. It is important not to hide from the problem and admit that it exists. Then it will be much easier to solve it.

To make it easier to understand how to understand yourself and your feelings, you need to realize that all psychological problems are subjective. A constructive approach and the absence of destructive ways to achieve goals are integral components of success.

Using Conversational Games

A dialogue game (see the article "Dialogue - as a role-playing game") will help you explore your feelings, internal conflicts and better understand yourself. However, before using this technique, please once again find and read all the warnings about the hidden dangers of this game, and it is best to first consult a psychologist. By choosing art therapy, you can learn a lot about the problem by engaging in conversation with your Creative Work. Start this dialogue by telling Creative Work what you feel your creativity reminds you of; you can ask what it means or find out how it relates to your life and problems. It would be interesting to ask Creative Work why your creativity has specific features of color, feeling, image, texture, rhythm or event. Try asking the question: “Why does my work contain so many specific components?” At the same time, it is necessary to remember that dialogue will be a banal exercise with meaningless results if it does not address issues that are truly important to you.

Types of internal conflicts

Experts identify the most common types of internal problems, by analyzing which you can understand how to understand yourself and your feelings:

Frustration. This concept includes strong internal experiences that arise as a result of failures to overcome both real and imaginary obstacles to the goal. This condition may be accompanied by anger, guilt or resentment.
Intrapersonal conflict. It occurs when there is a conflict of interests, desires or values within a person. Mental experiences can be quite strong.
Psychological trauma involves damage to the psyche as a result of very difficult experiences. They can be caused by various factors: illness, death of a loved one, divorce, stress, conflicts and others. As a result of psychological trauma, a person’s thinking, perception and behavior are disrupted.
Neurotic reactions. They can manifest themselves in the form of fears, anxiety or worry and arise as a result of difficult life situations.
Problems coming from childhood: parental prohibition on joy, suppressed emotions, anger, sexuality, complexes and destructive attitudes.
Loss of meaning in life. When a person cannot find his place in life and does not feel needed, an existential vacuum forms inside him.
Conflicts with other people. Quarrels and misunderstandings in the family, at work and with others can cause various mental disorders.
Crisis stages in life. Such periods are the norm, so a person must be prepared for them.
Disharmony. If a person cannot perceive himself as a whole and his personal facets are in constant imbalance, psychological problems and disorders arise.

Whatever reason a person has, it will in any case prevent him from achieving his goals. Not achieving the desired results, people begin to convince themselves that the desired object is not so necessary for them, and they can live quite well without it. But in my heart I still dream about him even more. This causes discomfort, worry and negativity. To find peace of mind, the psychological problem must be acknowledged and resolved.

Understanding ourselves and others

There are eight vectors. A person can be the owner of one to eight of them. In the modern world in a big city, people usually have three to five vectors. Their combination is called a vector set. To understand what impact it has on a person’s life path, let’s analyze some vectors separately and find out which factors determine our own life and what has nothing to do with it.

I want changes and career growth

Owners of the skin vector are earners and organizers by nature. She endowed them with very useful properties: flexibility of mind and body - adaptability, speed of reaction, organization and self-discipline, ambition, rationalism, pragmatism, competitive spirit.

All these properties are aimed at realizing the innate aspirations of representatives of the skin vector, for them this is property and social superiority, career growth, and novelty. In order to achieve their own desires, they are ready to work hard and effectively.

Their goal is to obtain benefits and benefits, be it a successful financial transaction and winning cooperation, saving resources and time, or sports activities and a commitment to healthy eating.

The desire for change pushes such people onto the path of lawmaking and social transformation, engineering and design; makes them lovers of travel, a change of scenery, and new acquaintances.

Internal organization and the desire to organize the outside world go hand in hand. Only a person with the skin vector can be pleased to limit himself in anything (daily routine, diet, even appearance: all the buttons are fastened, the belt is tightened, the hair is tied up). And it is quite logical that he is the one who is able to organize his own business, introduce laws, manage a company, command in the army; It is he who has constructive thoughts about what needs to be done for the team to effectively cope with the assigned tasks.

I want home comfort, respect and justice

People with the anal vector have the following properties: honesty, decency, integrity, conservatism, thoroughness, perseverance, diligence, good memory, attention to detail, perfectionism. These are true professionals, masters of their craft.

To collect all the necessary information inside and out, thoroughly study the issue of interest, hone your skills and become the best in your field, and therefore worthy of passing on your knowledge to the next generation - this is the desire of the owner of the anal vector. Respect and honor, recognition of merit are his needs.

Justice and equality are very significant for such a person. Doing his job efficiently and being properly appreciated, receiving gratitude for the help provided, feeling that good will be repaid with good - this is the key to internal comfort for him, and therefore, the ability to sort out his thoughts if necessary. Otherwise, the feeling of deprivation and resentment makes him sometimes unable to look at the situation clearly.

Carriers of the anal vector gravitate toward manifestations of cleanliness in everything: houses are in order, reputation is impeccable, relationships are sincere, women are immaculate, children are neat, salaries are “white,” their own conscience is clear.

A separate article can be written about the importance of home and family for such people. This is super value. A happy married life, children and family relationships in general, home comfort - without this, the owner of the anal vector will not feel fulfilled.

I want beauty, emotions and peace in the world

People whose psyche carries the properties of a visual vector have the highest emotional amplitude. Emotions, feelings, experiences are necessary for them like air. It is for representatives of the visual vector that the main goal of their existence can be love - reckless and all-encompassing.

Filling their sensory potential and establishing emotional connections are their innate desires. Normally, communication with people, intimate conversations and empathy for others are the main source of inspiration and pleasure for carriers of the visual vector. It is these people who are able to feel fulfilled by volunteering, helping those in need, caring for others, promoting the value of human life and calling for peaceful coexistence.

They can win over others simply by making eye contact. And by expressing sincere participation in the interlocutor’s experiences during a one-on-one conversation, they can give a feeling of understanding and trust, as if they are able to literally look into the soul.

If something goes wrong in realizing the sensory potential of people with a visual vector, then they try to get their share of pleasure with the help of emotional swings: from fear when watching horror films to scandals and hysterics. Unable to understand their feelings, they themselves do not understand what exactly they want.

Those with a visual vector are more capable than anyone else of noticing the beauty of the world around them and admiring it. And create it in various manifestations, too. Some people enjoy going to art museums, various exhibitions, theater performances, watching touching films, and reading sensual literature. Others derive pleasure from realizing their qualities in the field of art and culture.

I want silence, meaningfulness and... something more

Representatives of the sound vector are obvious introverts, thoughtful, silent, outwardly unemotional, sometimes aloof, indifferent or expressing disdain. The fact is that their desires lie outside the material plane. Their goal, which they themselves do not always realize, is to understand: themselves, the world order, the root cause.

Questions about the search for the meaning of life and everything that happens around him and within him occupy the powerful intellect of the sound artist. Concentration is extremely important for such a person: if he is solving any problem, nothing should distract him from the thought process. Therefore, more often he prefers silence and lack of company in order to be alone with his ideas.

In general, he is quite demanding when choosing an environment, because empty talk “about nothing” is a serious source of discomfort for him.

The desire to be alone, to abstract from the outside world, to drown out disturbing sounds can be expressed in a love of heavy music: put in headphones, turn it up - it becomes easier, especially if the lyrics capture certain meanings or they echo the listener’s inner state.

The desire to understand the principles of existence takes the form of scientific or creative research: physics, mathematics, chemistry, programming, philosophy, literature, new movements in art (for example, abstract art, avant-garde, arthouse).

The natural desire to change the state of consciousness can push one to study various spiritual practices, autogenic training, esoteric teachings, etc. Finding something barely perceptible there, beyond understanding - this is what the owner of the sound vector strives for, consciously or not. In a meaningful form, this manifests itself as a desire to find oneself and one’s place in life. But often the sound engineer himself does not understand what he is missing, which makes it even harder.

A systematic understanding of oneself and the world radically changes one’s condition for the better and allows one to understand the most complex existential questions:

“No” to self-flagellation!

Many people are prone to self-digging, but to achieve inner harmony it is necessary to get rid of it. A person will be able to understand what he wants only when he learns to accept himself for who he is. There is no need to compare yourself with others, they have different values, desires and a different path. You need to accept your shortcomings and positive qualities. Trying to become perfect, a person destroys himself from the inside. When you realize that no one is perfect, it will become much easier to accept and love yourself.

System-vector psychology: how to understand yourself

One thing is clear: what concerns the inner world of a person, what is going on in his thoughts and soul, is the subject of the study of psychology. Today, more and more often, references to a relatively new, unparalleled, but bringing a huge number of results method, which is known as the “System-Vector Psychology” training by Yuri Burlan, come across the Internet.

System-vector psychology is based on the concept of vectors. A vector is a set of innate properties, desires, abilities that determine a person’s thinking, his values and the way he moves through life. Thus, having dealt with vectors, you can understand your desires and the desires of other people, and figure out what to do with it next.

The main idea is that a person is multifaceted, a kind of diamond, and various manifestations of his properties influence his condition, sometimes alternately, sometimes simultaneously. Without realizing why this happens, without catching these changes-switching, we feel some kind of confusion, experience mental discomfort, do not understand ourselves, do not understand others.

Do I love or not?

One of the most common questions that almost every person asks himself at a certain period of his life sounds something like this: “How to understand yourself: do I love you or not?” Any relationship has many facets, both positive and negative. It is the latter that make you wonder whether your loved one is really nearby.

As experience shows, in order to begin to appreciate something, it must be lost. The method is drastic, but effective. Often relationships become boring over time, and the intensity of feelings and emotions is lost. I want to change everything and start a romance full of passion and joy. But after parting, it becomes clear that no one can replace the familiar, dear and close person nearby. And getting a relationship back is much more difficult than breaking it off. Therefore, before radically changing your life and making such a responsible decision, it is better to try to revive the relationship and bring new colors.

For those who do not know how to understand themselves and their thoughts, the advice of a psychologist will be very useful. The best place to start is by talking to yourself. It is important to understand whether the criteria of love and falling in love are not confused when assessing. Over time, feelings cannot remain as bright and fresh; they transform into respect, mutual understanding, trust and support.

To make it easier to decide, you need to give yourself honest answers to the following questions:

Do I want to be with this person for the rest of my life?
Is there trust in the relationship?
What sacrifices can you make for a person?
Do you have a desire to share sorrows and misfortunes?

If you analyze the answers, a lot will become clear. You can talk about love if most of them are positive.

To find harmony, you need to know how to understand yourself. Psychology is becoming an increasingly popular science every day because it helps solve internal problems. Experts advise writing down your deepest desires and goals on paper. To achieve them, you need to determine what needs to be done and where to start. Only by identifying the cause of disharmony can you eliminate it and become happy.

How to begin to realize your own desires?

It is very difficult to break stereotypes acquired in childhood. Sometimes it is impossible to cope with this task without the help of a psychotherapist. However, it is quite possible to try.

What should be done? Psychologists advise freeing the day from all affairs and worries, staying alone, picking up a notebook or notebook and writing down those desires that have not come true, starting from early childhood. The list should be completed only when not a single desire is remembered within 10-15 minutes.

After this, the list should be carefully reread and highlight the simplest things in it, what can be easily implemented. For example, a child’s dream about a particular toy is quite feasible for an adult. This is what needs to be done.

The next step is to read the list again. However, the emotions will be different, not the same as when viewing it for the first time. The purpose of the second reading is to cross out those dreams that are no longer relevant. It is important to be honest with yourself and listen only to your intuition, and not to think about the content of your desires. There were extra items on the list because a person who does not realize his own dreams involuntarily begins to want “everything around him.” As soon as one wish is fulfilled, the view of the list immediately changes.

The remaining points should be divided into paragraphs, for example, like this:

house;
Job;
leisure;
hobby;
family;
personal.

There can be as many paragraphs as you like. After this, you need to look at the desires again and determine which of them is most important. There is no need to read and be guided by generally accepted standards when choosing. If a person wants to buy a new bowl for a dog more than gifts for relatives, then this is his priority. At this moment you cannot take into account what someone will think, or reflect on what is good and what is bad.

Which paragraph contained your most important desire? Its name is the most important thing of all that a person wants from life. The remaining paragraphs are other, less important, but still significant, wishes. A general list of paragraph titles is a complete list of what a person really wants.

Having sorted out their desires and priorities, people begin to understand themselves, and, accordingly, others too.

How to understand exactly what you want from life

To understand what you want from life, first of all, you need to accept yourself as you are. Most people have a problem with this - especially if in childhood you were instilled with the “excellent student syndrome”: psychological complexes when the desire to be the first in everything comes first. Often other people's beliefs, imposed by loved ones or society, can poison life.

But understanding that we are all imperfect helps us to understand ourselves, not to focus on our shortcomings, but to notice and develop our strengths and positive qualities.

Tip 1

Keep a personal diary where you record a chronicle of events, thoughts and emotions that they evoke. Psychologists recommend keeping such notes daily, and then rereading them from the beginning, as if about a stranger. This kind of sideways look can be very useful: you don’t think about yourself and can evaluate the hero and his actions in an unbiased, detached way.

Tip 2

Look at children - you can learn from them sincerity and determination: if they cry, then with all their hearts, and if they want something, they will achieve it in any way.

Remember what you loved to do as a child: singing, drawing, playing football or dressing up dolls. Everyone, if they delve into their memory, will find something that makes their “soul sing.” And even though you, an adult, will no longer become the next Aivazovsky or Zaitsev, you can always discover in yourself those talents that you forgot and did not use for a long time.

You can find yourself in areas that are as close as possible to your deepest desire. For example, you wanted to become an artist, but your mother said that the accounting profession “will always support you” - it’s never too late to go study computer graphics and become a sought-after graphic designer.

Tip 3

Quite often, people, in their desire to share responsibility for their lives, turn to the government, parents, wives and husbands, and even to higher powers. Hence the craving for various fortune telling, horoscopes, astrology, palmistry and similar methods in solving complex life issues.

To believe or not to believe esotericists is a personal matter for everyone. You should not blindly follow the recommendations of such assistants, although there is a rational grain there. Teachings of this kind were formed thousands of years ago on the basis of knowledge about human psychophysiology. But remember that there are many charlatans in these areas, and there are not many people who can really understand your problems or predict certain events.

Tip 4 4⃣

Try to hear yourself. We are accustomed to the bustle of modern life, the moral teachings of our environment, and dependence on public opinion. This dependence is so strong that many people go to work they don’t like, communicate with people they don’t like, relax where they don’t feel comfortable, if it’s fashionable. In a word, they live the life of an exemplary person, but do not feel happy.

A hobby can be a solution. A favorite activity is something in which you can be absolutely free. In addition, it is a hobby that can help you again feel the lost joy, even the delight of being yourself. When doing what you love, there is no need to pretend to be someone you really are not, to put on masks. And then the serious, respectable director of the company, fingering his toy soldiers, turns into a cheerful, blond boy. And a business lady, a mother of three children, who bakes cakes with pleasure, turns into a mischievous girl with pigtails, who watches with bated breath as shaped cookies come out from under her grandmother’s hands.

Tip 5

Expand your social circle. By getting to know new people, you will see new opportunities for realizing yourself and your plans. Perhaps one of your new acquaintances will be like-minded and will understand your aspirations better than your old friends.

Tip 6

Avoid stereotypes. This does not mean that there should be no authorities for you. But rely, first of all, on your thoughts, emotions, life principles, think with your own head. The usual worldview sometimes prevents us from moving forward and developing.

About the eternity of love

“Do you believe that love is eternal? - Yes. Only the partners are different.” You think this is not love. How do you know? After all, love arises in yourself, which means it remains with you even when your partner leaves. Love is eternal because it always lives inside you. Only some people manage to love one partner, while others manage to love several in turn.

Here many can say the following: “What kind of love is this if you love one and not several?” It is necessary to repeat again that love passes through a person’s entire life, but he does not love everyone at the same time, but in turn (if he had more than one partner). Love always remains with a person, and he has only one. He simply gives it to those with whom he has relationships. And if he has a relationship with one person, then he loves only one; and if he dates several in turn, then he loves several.

Your feelings depend only on you. You are free to fall in love or fall out of love, if you yourself want it. Yes, you feel passion, love - feelings that capture you. But love is a conscious choice of a person who wanted to be with a specific partner, care for him, make him happy, help and support him. Love is not only a feeling that is not controlled by a person, but also actions when you, of your own free will, make the life of another comfortable and happy.

This truth is significantly different from the misconceptions that exist in society. People consider eternal love to be some kind of uncontrollable feeling, so they think that they are in love when they cannot control their impulses to be with someone. But in reality, people give in to passion, which passes after a few days or months, leaving space for what really connects two people. If people consciously, of their own free will, want and are ready to work on maintaining relationships, then they begin to experience love. But if partners are waiting for an exciting feeling that will dictate how to live and who to love, then they are expecting passion. As for eternal love, it is rather a conscious choice of a man to be with a particular woman all his life, help her, listen to her opinion, make her happy and have something in common.

In other words, you may not always love your woman, which is why your love will be fleeting and passing.

Inventory in love relationships

What is inventory? This concept is usually used for production purposes, when it implies the need to review everything that is available: what to get rid of, what needs to be acquired, what has been sought for a long time, what has been forgotten, etc. The same thing should be applied in love relationships. If you notice that your relationship has become boring, the days have become insipid, and your loved one has begun to move away from you, then take inventory of your love relationship to refresh it.

What does it mean to take inventory in a love relationship? You (and, if you can persuade, your beloved partner) need to be alone with yourself and think about everything that you have today:

Have you achieved everything you wanted to achieve?
What is it about your relationship that doesn't suit you?
What are you willing to do to eliminate what you don’t need in your relationship, thereby preserving the union?
What would you like to add to your relationship?
What does your loved one do that you don't like? Tell him about it. Let him tell you what he doesn't like about what you do.
What would you like to change in your relationship?
What do you want to give up?

Remember that it is better to continue a love relationship with a partner who is familiar to you. To be happy, you don't have to break off your current union and start a relationship with another person. If you and your partner are tired of your boring relationship and are ready to change something in it, then go for it. You just need to take inventory (get rid of the unnecessary and old, understand what else you would like to gain, think about the actions you are ready to take so that your relationship becomes new and fresh).

Relationships are built by two people. And if you think that you will find a new relationship with a new partner, then you are deeply mistaken. You will lead your new woman into the same relationship you had before. So, why destroy the old if you can reconstruct what exists. The house does not always need to be demolished: it can be reconstructed, redecorated, furnished with new furniture. It’s the same in love relationships: you don’t need to leave the person you love, just get rid of what is unnecessary and interferes with living happily, make an effort to acquire and develop new relationships that will give you everything you need.