Ivan Vdovin
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One of the most powerful complexes that prevents us from living in joy and happiness is anger at ourselves, which also goes in combination with blaming ourselves for all our sins. And it’s even worse to blame yourself for the sins of others. Since a woman can love herself and increase her self-esteem, psychology knows the answers.
Unfortunately, our psyche is structured in such a way that from childhood we perceive the world around us as an axiom and everything we see is considered to be the truth. And if your environment has raised you to hate yourself, you will continue to go through life, with this baggage of complexes, projecting the entire past onto your future life.
But there is always a way out, read to the end and I will tell you how to go from self-hatred to complete harmony with yourself. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
What does it mean to love yourself
There are extremes in the development of personal self-esteem, when a person “stars” and engages in “self-criticism.” Both options are bad, since inadequately high and low self-esteem becomes the cause of difficulties in communication and building long-term interpersonal relationships. So be sure to learn how to improve your self-esteem from our last article and apply these tips.
Women and men have “weak spots” where they do not always feel confident. For the female half, the “weak point” is her appearance, for the man - his achievements in life. In these and some other areas, people are most vulnerable. If a person does not value himself, does not respect and does not set boundaries, it is difficult for others to appreciate him.
When experiencing insecurity, it is common for a person to blame other people for the emotional pain that he experiences. As a result of such internal experiences, he becomes depressed, angry, and withdraws from communication with others. But all this may not happen if he begins to change his attitude towards himself in time.
What does it mean to love yourself? Many psychologists have studied this issue and determined that loving yourself means accepting yourself. Accept who you are, forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made, treat yourself positively. There is a lot of literature that talks about self-acceptance. Even the Bible says that a person should love his neighbors as himself. That is, the basis of good relationships with others is self-acceptance.
It is important to understand that self-love is not selfishness, it is the acceptance of all your strengths and weaknesses, the correct attitude towards them. If a person uses others for his own interests, violates their rights and manipulates, this is selfishness. A person with adequate self-esteem and normal values will not do this.
Signs of low self-esteem
Self-dislike is noticeable to the naked eye. It can be read in the way you hold yourself and speak, in your gaze, in your gait. You can suspect a person of having an overly negative attitude towards himself based on the following signs:
- is overly critical of his appearance;
- blushes with embarrassment when complimented;
- often refuses what brings him joy;
- denies his merits;
- prefers to remain unnoticed;
- tries to please everyone and not offend anyone;
- dependent on the opinions of others;
- constantly makes excuses for the inconvenience caused;
- mentally tortures himself every time he makes a mistake;
- worries about any reason;
- has been focusing on past failures for years;
- believes that if a person has a different view on certain things, then he treats him poorly.
This list can be continued indefinitely, because there are a myriad of manifestations of self-dislike. Everything is individual.
It should be said that the devaluation of one’s personality does not always affect all areas of life: sometimes it manifests itself more in the professional field, and other times in amorous affairs.
How to Love Yourself. Psychologist's advice
The consequences of not loving yourself
When a person does not accept himself and his appearance, he develops complexes. This could be fear of people, an inferiority complex, guilt, negativism and other bad psychological phenomena. As a result, he suffers internally, the people around him and the areas of his life suffer.
The consequences of such an attitude towards oneself can be the following problems:
- Bitchiness - in constant nervous tension, a person begins to defend himself, this quality is especially manifested in women. Trying to hide their weakness, women “attack”: they begin to manipulate men, satisfying only their needs. This is a utopia, since they will not be able to build close and long-term relationships by playing the role of a bitch.
- Victim is another defensive position. When they are afraid to express themselves, people sacrifice themselves in order to be noticed and loved. The danger of such behavior is dependence on another person. The result is a feeling of rejection, loss and despair. Relationships on this basis can reach hysterics when problems arise.
- Relationship breakdowns and failures. Those who have not accepted and forgiven themselves will experience problems in building relationships and difficulties in their work.
An insecure person who does not accept himself, unfortunately, cannot be happy.
Tests
Let's say you realized that something is wrong with your self-esteem. What to do next?
In psychology, there are many methods that allow you to determine the level of self-esteem and self-acceptance. These are scientific, experimentally proven, and popular science methods for determining the basic inclinations of a person.
- “How much do I love myself” - by answering 36 questions, you will see your attitude towards yourself;
- “Self-love: what is your level of self-esteem” - shows how much you value yourself;
- “Self-love” is an indicative test for determining your attitude towards yourself;
- The “Do I Love Myself” test is an informative popular scientific method for displaying self-acceptance;
- “How do you rate yourself?” – a professional test showing the depths of your subconscious;
- The Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale is a professional technique that shows how a person feels and imagines himself.
After passing one or more tests, you have identified your problem. But tests do not provide an opportunity to improve and increase self-esteem. They are like an indicator that allows you to observe yourself from the outside, to pay attention to your behavior or character traits.
Working with the inner child
Exercise at night
Before going to bed, remember your entire day and highlight 10 things for which you can love yourself. In the morning we woke up, did some exercises, “oh, how great I am, I love myself.” I handed in a report at work, “I’m such a sweetheart, I adore myself.” Just find 10 things, absolutely any, even absurd ones, for which you love yourself.
Every day love will grow higher and higher, more and more, and will reach the point where you can say with confidence that you love yourself and everything is fine in your life. But, without psychotherapy, this path is very long, so I recommend that you begin, rather, to remove from the subconscious all the negative situations that have affected you. A lot of them.
Psychologist's advice
Accepting yourself means adequately perceiving your internal and external qualities. Changing a personality is a long and laborious process, provided that she herself desires it. Below is a selection of rules that will help you change on your own, love yourself and your body (if, in your opinion, the problem is physical disabilities).
We struggle with dependence on other people's assessments
The vast majority perceive themselves as dictated by others. This attitude begins from the school bench, where the teacher’s assessment is unshakable and indestructible: whatever level of knowledge the teacher sees is what it is. Such value judgments continue to influence us as adults.
Dependence on the assessments of others constantly feeds a person; he always strives for approval; if it is not there, the level of self-esteem decreases.
Try to fight this addiction: speak your opinion, even if it is wrong, do not believe what is said about you in a negative way if you do not agree.
Try to laugh at yourself more often
Humor helps you survive in the most difficult situations. By translating everything into humor, you change the perception of the world. The ability to laugh at your own mistakes is an art that not everyone can do. Scientists have proven that 5 minutes of sincere laughter prolongs life by 1 minute. If you laugh more often, life becomes brighter and longer, according to research and the minds of our contemporaries.
Be positive. Positive thinking helps you achieve your goals. Try to turn even the most unpleasant situations into a joke. There is a story in which a girl “played for joy” - she found something to be happy about even in the most absurd situations, when she broke her leg or was rejected by relatives. This game really works! Look for reasons to rejoice in everything!
Don't talk bad about yourself in front of others
Every person has the right to make mistakes, but if you tell others mainly your shortcomings, they will believe that these are your main qualities. But along with the disadvantages, each has a huge number of advantages. Every person deserves respect and love. When you find it difficult, convince yourself of this. Notice your positive qualities not for the purpose of boasting, but with the goal of using them for good.
Stop others from dictating how to live your life.
To live in harmony with yourself and the world around you, it is important to set your boundaries. What is acceptable for others may be impossible or disgusting for you. What is bad for others may be great for you. We are all different, so don't let others dictate how to live, what to be, what to do.
The constant desire to please someone, to adapt to someone’s values robs you of your golden time of self-realization. When you adapt to the demands of others, you are not living your life. We need to listen to advice and reject directives.
Control over emotions
If you don't learn to control your emotions, they will get the better of you. At one point, unrestrained anger, resentment, and malice can greatly compromise you. Intemperate behavior entails loss of self-esteem and respect from others.
I suggest you take Nicholas Hall's emotional intelligence test. It consists of 30 questions, the completion time is 5 minutes. The results in the second scale of “Managing your emotions” will show your level from 6 to 36.
Take responsibility for your actions and life
Self-esteem is made up of many components, but it's never too late to take responsibility for your life. If you take small steps towards your dreams, you will see that you have achieved a lot. Start small: take responsibility for sleeping early and waking up early, take responsibility for drinking more water, not overeating, and so on.
Engage in self-development
It's always useful. Trainings, motivational programs, motivational books will benefit you for a long time. Communication with smart people who can teach you something will enrich you spiritually. If a person does not develop, he degrades.
I understand your situation and since you are reading this article, I have an effective solution for you.
Learning from a person who has walked this path will help you believe in yourself and achieve what exactly you want in this life. Under no circumstances should you listen to amateurs who shout at every corner: “Pay me and you’ll get rich!”
For me, such a person is Pavel Volya.
His online course “Improver Express” will teach 3 main things: initiative, action and efficiency.
The training consists of 23 chips. It was they who helped Volya turn from a simple beggar Penza guy into the highest paid presenter of the TNT channel and my favorite stand-up comedian.
The course is suitable for both men and women from 16 years of age.
How the training will take place:
- You receive theory and practical assignment.
- Do it.
- If you did it right, move on to the next one.
If you don’t mess around and do all your homework responsibly, then pleasant changes await you: at work, in your personal life, with relatives and friends. This will lead to more money, connections and success.
Cost – 15,000 rubles. with access forever, but there is also the opportunity to take the course for 3,000 rubles.
If within 2 weeks you decide that the course is not suitable for you, your money will be returned.
After registering for training, a girl from Pavel’s team will contact you and answer all your questions regarding the training. You will discuss payment terms with her.
Also in this article you will find reviews of all courses of the “Willpower” project from Pavel and Laysan Utyasheva.
How to choose a book
There are several criteria for making the right choice.
What to pay attention to:
- Subjects
There are women's and men's themes, classical psychology, a manual for parents and step-by-step popular guides.
- Author
Individual books are reprinted many times and achieve large total circulation figures. The author’s popularity is based on the number of people who have overcome their complexes and fears thanks to the publication.
- Cost and format
Having decided on one book or another, you need to decide on the conditions in which it will be mastered. It is clear that an expensive and voluminous publication is not suitable for reading on transport. Some techniques require careful study, with entries in diaries and introspection - such a book, training manual can be with many photographs, voluminous and have several parts. The soft binding and moderate number of pages of the book will allow it to travel with the reader to work, to the country and on business trips.
- Review
If you have a wide selection on the topic you are looking for, you can use the information review of publications, navigate according to the opinions of readers, or read the content in announcements.
Errors in selection
The choice of a reliable tool for solving a problem should not be based on the point of view of “how much it costs,” but on the basis of reviews and expert opinions. For an ordinary person not immersed in the problems of psychology, an interesting book with practical advice reveals the meaning of self-control. Sometimes, inexpensive books give invaluable experience, thanks to which a person becomes happy.
Exercises
To learn to love yourself and live in harmony with yourself and others, take small steps towards positivity. Here are the exercises for every day:
- Write on a piece of paper what positive character traits or abilities you have. Then analyze which positive aspects you are strongest in, which ones still need to be developed, and what sets you apart from others.
- Write on a piece of paper what the biggest difficulties you faced and how you managed to overcome them. Think about these situations, remember your emotions. You should respect yourself for this!
- Think about all the goals you have achieved.
- Think, write down the shortcomings and weaknesses that you have overcome.
- If you have a choice: buy several things or one good one, buy one good one. You will feel more confident in this thing.
- Try to devote time to your health every day. Start exercising, drink more water, eat right.
- When you see yourself in the mirror in the morning, smile and wish you a good day.
- Be kinder. As you know, kindness will save the world. Don't judge others, you don't know what they went through. Throughout the day, try to drive away judgmental thoughts from yourself.
- Write down the phrase “if I loved myself, I ...” on a piece of paper and continue with 10 points.
- Write down 10 disadvantages and rephrase them into advantages, for example: “I am a spender” to “I am generous.” You need to choose only those qualities or features of appearance that interfere with your life. If we are talking about physical disabilities, it can look like this: “I have big ears” to “I have beautiful medium-sized ears that allow me to be special and hear well.”
- Allow yourself to relax sometimes. Having a cake once a week, a relaxing bath with candles, and wearing your favorite dress for no occasion help relieve stress and feel like a living, confident person.
- Think positively, because these are healing emotions that help you learn to enjoy every day. Someone said: if today I stood on two legs, slept under a roof on a bed, had one change of clothes and was not hungry, then I am one of the few rich people on earth.
- You need to get used to enjoying the little things: noticing the movements of beautiful leaves on the branches, listening to birds singing, enjoying your successes, getting up after failures and moving on. Take responsibility for enjoying life. And stop comparing yourself to others. It is known that there are no completely identical people on earth; we are all different. Even twins are different.
- Comparison with others destroys joy and contentment in life, depresses confidence and self-acceptance. A person tends to compare himself not with those who live or look worse, but with people who are more successful in social status or achievements. This is what prevents you from rejoicing.
- Shift the focus: if you are comparing yourself, take as a basis people with disabilities - those who, by a terrible accident, have lost everything, lost their loved ones, and live in worse conditions. Appreciate what you have. You only have one life to live, and there is no time for grumbling. Spend your time doing something worthwhile. The best way to enjoy life is to help those in need.
- Use affirmations.
What does “The Way of a Woman” teach? Course to a new, happy life
The “Woman’s Way” course is aimed at helping every woman open up, realize her purpose and find happiness in relationships. You can:
- Get rid of complexes, blocks, negative attitudes.
- Learn more about male and female psychology.
- Stop stepping on the same rake and understand the reasons for failures.
- Attract a worthy man for whom you will always come first.
- Reanimate relationships, take them to a new level.
- Work through your inner state, become happy, calm, confident. Learn to love and accept yourself.
Yes, the Path will not be easy and you will have to make efforts, but the result is worth it. Offers:
- Bodily and psychological practices.
- Detailed video lectures.
- Communication with experts, during which you will receive answers to your most pressing questions.
- Practical tasks.
- Meditations.
- Constant psychological support for mentors and other participants.
Alla Pilipyuk, Growth Phase
