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Your husband suddenly started going to work wearing a parrot tie, signed up for a fitness center, changed his hairstyle, and yesterday you found him stuck to the glass of a car dealership selling Ferraris. But, what’s worse, he began to look at you with nothing other than contempt, and a bunch of strange numbers appeared in his address book. Congratulations, most likely, the notorious demon, which comes to every fourth man along with the first gray hair, has reached the ribs of your beloved...
Only lazy people haven’t written a book or made a movie about a midlife crisis. And most importantly, the authors of these bestsellers are mostly men, so all the information is presented with such subtle humor, self-irony and, of course, makes all the macho men who recognize themselves in the main character smile. But for some reason not a single work tells us what we, women, should do in this situation, and where did this notorious midlife crisis come from? It's actually simple. In the life of every man there is a very carefree period when he “throws stones,” and a more serious one, which usually comes closer to forty years, is the time to collect cobblestones: to take stock, reap the fruits of previous activities, evaluate the results. So, a midlife crisis occurs if, after five years of tinkering with the “stones,” a man suddenly discovers that he has a bad job, his wife is a vixen, his children are idiots, he is bald, and there is not a single dream that has come true.
What's next?
Most often, a crisis occurs among men who are not doing what they want, or among those who have not achieved what they planned. Although it happens that a completely successful representative of the stronger sex becomes a victim of a psychological problem: wealthy, attractive, with a luxurious wife, smart children and an expensive car. One fine day the thought comes to his mind: “What next? Well, if I have more money, I’ll buy another house by the sea... And is this really all that lies ahead for me in the future?!” At this moment, it seems to the man that there is no better way out of the current situation than to fill his life with something new, bright, and sometimes even extreme.
"Waiting" for the anniversary
In fact, the crisis of 50 years may lie in wait a year or two before the anniversary itself. When you’re already 48, you think: is this the last time you’ll be 40 next year? And then... Uh, okay, forty for now and some more. And on the eve of the 50th anniversary, sometimes it becomes downright scary: what kind of numbers are these - five zero? That's for me? For what? © Somehow I can’t wrap my head around the fact that yes, I’ve already lived so much, I’ve almost reached the age of people who in childhood seemed, if not old, then very, very grown up.
It’s not joyful, it’s “waiting”, because you understand that youth is not just gone, but gone a long time ago and irrevocably. And ahead... what's ahead? Sometimes panic sets in. And why? What are we afraid of at our age? So, quite understandable things:
- lack of demand
- loneliness
- infirmities
- of death
The feeling of confusion and fear that you are not ready to be an adult in the full sense of the word results in an unwillingness to face reality and rejoice in the fact that even after 50, life goes on. And it didn’t end at a young age. An adult is, first of all, someone who takes responsibility for his life. And he makes efforts to be as healthy as possible, in demand, among friends and loved ones.
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Secretary as a symptom
If you suspect that a midlife crisis has seeped into your family, take a closer look at your spouse - the symptoms of the problem are painfully obvious. The first and main sign is that the man has changed! And not only you see this, but also his friends, colleagues and even your children. However, the metamorphoses that have occurred with your beloved are so vivid and impressive that it is difficult not to notice them. One day you are surprised to discover that your spouse has bought a gym membership (even though he always despised jocks), a player and a ticket to a concert of a fashionable alternative band. At the fitness center, he made interesting acquaintances, which brought with them new hobbies, and very youthful ones: for example, the faithful began snowboarding or driving around the city in a car at night. The vehicle, if opportunities permit, also changes: the place of a still quite good foreign car is taken by some, perhaps not at all fresh, but red or yellow, sports car. On top of that, your husband, who for the last 15 years wore only a gray suit to work, suddenly changed it to a canary one, and combined with an alien tie and sneakers. And, of course, he has a new secretary! Olga Sergeevna, who served him faithfully, left, unable to withstand the competition with the busty blonde Alena, who despises skirts longer than her knees. But the worst thing is that my dear has become completely unbearable. Even in those rare hours when he appears at home, your spouse is irritated and unfriendly with you (your cooking tastes bad, your clothes are terrible), and he behaves with his own children as if he were strangers.
The fight for the tattered treasure
When faced with a midlife crisis, immediately decide to what extent you are ready to plunge into trying to get your spouse out of this state. To end? Then have patience and strength. Firstly, never speak badly to your children about dad and don’t express your obvious grievances against him in front of them. Try not to discuss your spouse’s behavior with your offspring at all, even if they are already 18 years old, and their father behaves worse than their peers. Just continue to be the best mom in the world to your children. And even, in some places, dad. Believe me, when you survive the crisis, everyone - both your offspring and your spouse - will be immensely grateful to you for this. Secondly, remind your beloved more often of life moments when he was “on horseback”, and those cases in which he obviously liked himself. Don’t laugh at your husband’s new hobbies, but at the same time try not to let him forget how everyone respected him even when he was still wearing a gray suit. Tell him that you were literally driven crazy by his previous style of dressing, but at the same time express your readiness to love him in a canary jacket.
Under any pretext, get your husband on vacation. Leave the children to their grandmothers and go with your spouse to conquer the Nepalese slopes, hunt in the African savannahs, ride a board on the Californian waves - in a word, engage in any extreme sport that is currently in favor with your crisis spouse. Forget about shopping in Milan – you’ll fly later with a friend.
Needless to say, you should drop your suitcase with your mobile phones and laptop at the border to make sure they don’t work for the entire trip? And, of course, before your vacation you will have to spend a month in the fitness center and beauty salon - you must be flawless! After all, nothing will bring a spouse to a feeling of self-satisfaction better than the thought that this lady, luxurious in all respects, is his wife.
Your task is to help your husband regain mental balance, self-confidence and try to re-teach him to enjoy simple things: a lunar path, a sunrise in the mountains, the naivety of children and simply the opportunity to live. If you didn’t succeed and the worst thing happened - your husband went on a spree, know: usually “anti-crisis sex therapy” lasts no more than two years. Then the exhausted Don Juan again appears on the threshold of the family nest, full of repentance. Whether you need this shabby treasure, decide for yourself.
Chubby instead of macho
Keep in mind that not all men fall into the clutches of a crisis due to unsatisfied ambitions. For some, events develop according to a different scenario. One day, the faithful approaches the mirror and discovers in it not the handsome macho man he is accustomed to consider himself to be, but a plump mattress with a belly protruding from under his T-shirt, bags under his eyes and a bald patch breaking through his once thick curls. Here, of course, I remember yesterday’s shortness of breath after climbing to the third floor, and my own children, whom I want to wash, cut, change clothes and rip off their headphones from where strange music is playing, and my wife in a classic torn robe. A vile thought appears in the unfortunate man’s head: “God, I’m not young anymore! I don't understand my offspring! And who will explain to me what this woman is doing in my house? The result of such sad thoughts is depression, melancholy and, again, the desire to change everything.
Is it easier for women?
It’s probably not easy for everyone during a turning point in life. Women can find it very difficult to adapt to hormonal changes. Moreover, the restructuring of the body’s functioning also affects the mood. Well, a woman is in no mood - you understand. Especially if the woman is “aged”.)))
And women, in my opinion, feel the emptiness in the house much more acutely when children leave. Because their whole life revolved around the children: feeding them, sending them to school/kindergarten, taking them to school, meeting them, bringing them to play, checking their lessons, enrolling them in a club, taking them to the doctor, treating them, organizing a birthday party, going to a party, getting ready for graduation... And here - ah! That's it, mommy, bye! It takes time to get used to it.
And if the husband decided to celebrate his crisis with a new marriage to a young woman? Well, this is actually a guard, it turns out to be a double blow. It’s already hard enough, but here... Yes, even if he didn’t go anywhere, but began to drown his “unrealization” in alcohol? Also not very applicable to a difficult period of life.
It is difficult for a woman to accept her age. It’s always 18 in the soul, but in the mirror it’s not at all what you want. At 40 years old in our wonderful 21st century, people look so beautiful that they can be confused with their own children. However, at 50 it won’t work that way. Then endless trips to various cosmetic procedures and even to plastic surgeons begin. And this is not as wonderful as expected.
Photo source: pixabay.com
Neither cognac nor sex
The symptoms of a midlife depressive crisis are not very bright (the man does not wear pink ties and does not skateboard), but they are extremely unpleasant. Your cheerful husband, the life of any company, suddenly becomes gloomy. More and more often at dinner you hear from your spouse that he mismanaged his life, he should have entered another institute, then everything would have turned out differently and the children would have studied in London, and you would have spent your vacation on a yacht. In general, he becomes increasingly bored and uninterested, he doesn’t want anything: no sex, no cognac, no bathhouse with friends, no football.
How does a midlife crisis manifest itself in men?
There are no uniform measures; some men may not notice this crisis at all. I moped for a day and returned to my favorite job, while for others it may take years to find themselves.
Among the most common manifestations:
- dismissal from work
- buying expensive things
- flirting with other women
- thoughtless spending
The age is no longer the same
As soon as you notice that your spouse has fallen victim to a depressive crisis, begin to unobtrusively take an interest in his affairs and be sure to pay attention to his achievements. Moreover, even if they are small, focus on the fact that he is doing what he loves, and he is doing great at it, and everything else - success, wealth, fame - will come later! Remind your spouse often that you still have a lot of time ahead and he will have time to do everything. And the phrase “not the same age” should be completely excluded from the vocabulary.
As for the mandatory vacation to get out of a crisis, you shouldn’t force a person in melancholic indifference to hang on cliffs or dive after sharks. Choose a beach holiday and take your child with you. But don’t forget to find out in advance whether the hotel has animation or a children’s room where you can rent your offspring for a while. A crisis macho should be able to enjoy an evening cocktail brought by his tanned wife in a white bikini, and the next morning he will be happy to play in the sand with his baby. In this situation, even if your spouse “destroys” himself for days on end with thoughts about what a loser he is, the realization that he has nevertheless become a good husband, an excellent father and can afford a vacation at sea will help him perk up.
“Re-Teenager” (18-25 years old)
In the course of evolution, a man was engaged in the search for new ways of survival, which required curiosity and a love of games, and a woman was engaged in maintaining the most effective of them. Therefore, men, in principle, are more characterized by such traits as, for example, experimentation - the desire to learn something new, curiosity. Even adult men love to play computer, gambling and other games.
The OverAdolescent is at the mercy of testosterone, which requires him to pass on genetic material. In other words, the main thing for him is sex. On the one hand, Over-Teenager wants to prove to everyone that he is already an adult and deserves recognition. On the other hand, he does not intend to bear responsibility.
Its main features are egocentrism, nonconformism, maximalism, emotional instability, imitation, high ambitions, desire for dominance, aggressiveness, weak abilities for empathy, desire for risk, desire to quickly achieve external goals (wealth, fame).
The OverAdolescent is not qualified to build and care for a strong family. If he marries at this age, divorce is almost inevitable in the next 3-5 years with a probability of 93%.
Expert opinion
Anna Topicheva, psychologist:
– During a midlife crisis, a man begins to look for those to blame, and, as a rule, his wife gets the most. It’s easy to explain: after all, you were the one who witnessed everything that your spouse had to endure. And many successful men do not want the woman who is next to him to know him as a poor student or a “shuttle guy” with a checkered trunk on his back. Since memories cannot be deleted, he has to change his companion! After all, his new young wife will only know him as a winner. In addition, having married for the second time, a man thinks that he gets a chance to live another life. There is only one piece of advice for a woman in this case - try to be extremely calm and discuss his emotions with your husband honestly, sincerely and impartially, like old friends. In times of crisis, many men do not realize that any divorce is painful and rarely leads to a happier life. If the spouse understands this, there is a chance that he will change his mind about leaving the family. Moreover, most often the desire to get a divorce is imposed on men by new mistresses.
Midlife crisis in men, how to help?
We offer several basic rules for women whose husbands are faced with the problem of a midlife crisis:
- The wife becomes the object of attacks and accusations, sometimes undeserved. Therefore, it is important to show resilience and understanding. The words that you may hear addressed to you may be unpleasant, but if you flare up in response, you will only push away your beloved man.
- You should not focus on the problem or put pressure on his emotions, feelings and conscience.
- Show feminine wisdom.
- Fill his life with joy. If you have been planning to take a vacation for a long time, now is the time. Or a holiday or birthday is coming up, why not pamper him with a long-awaited or unexpected gift? Maybe it’s worth repeating your honeymoon and stirring up faded feelings?
- Help him find new options for development or hobbies.
- Take time to look at your appearance, maybe you should change your hair color or hairstyle, buy new underwear.
A crisis is just a temporary period in your long family life. Don’t leave your man, don’t believe the hurtful words he says out of anger at himself and powerlessness. This period will also pass, and if you stay together, then your marriage will become much more valuable to him than any outside temptations. Patience and love to you!
