- September 9, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Epifantseva Anna
What to do if you meet your first love many years later? There is a story in everyone's life that is remembered more vividly than the rest. Memories of that person overshadow all subsequent ones, no matter how vivid the emotions experienced afterwards. As if he gave something that others could not give. You are drawn to him at the slightest memory of those events, and if you meet your first love years later, you are seized by a real storm of emotions mixed with curiosity. What to do here?
Ideal image
First of all, you should be aware of one thing. You once communicated with this person, and then broke up. And there was some reason why this happened. Why did it happen so? Probably, circumstances got in the way - moving, different plans for the future. Maybe for some reason you yourself interrupted communication. Or perhaps the object of desire did not want to continue. But there is only one conclusion from this situation: if a person burns with love, he always takes a thousand steps towards being together and turns the world upside down. And this thought should sober up from the surging fantasies. The peculiarity of the psychology of a lover is such that there are and cannot be any barriers for the one who loves: people destroy entire families and change cities in order to achieve reunification with their soulmate. Therefore, you need to understand that since you didn’t do everything possible, maybe you didn’t want it that much? There was a reason that held me back from reuniting with this person; my intuition probably did not deceive me. If you resume communication now, these traits will appear again. If that side did not want communication, then does it make sense to focus on one thing in order to suffer forever? A person who once left will again discover the reason why he left. In this state it will be easier to make a decision.
Cold heart
Recently, educational psychologist Lyudmila Sitnikova conducted a survey in one of the Moscow schools at the request of the Schoolchild Health magazine. And I found out: approximately every tenth high school student has never fallen in love!
According to psychologists, we are talking about children who are simply afraid to open up to the world and take responsibility for another person. And all this is evidence of internal problems and pressures. Alternatively, we are dealing with a manifestation of narcissism. Such individuals, by the way, in personal terms are difficult people who have difficulty integrating into society.
Childhood love is another way of understanding the world. That is, first the child disassembles the toys into parts. And later he gets a taste of human relationships. And how exactly he expresses his feelings depends primarily on his parents.
So, if tenderness in the family is expressed easily and freely, a child, having fallen in love, will behave in the same way. Otherwise, everything will turn out to be more complicated: nascent sexuality may turn into fear or aggression. So adults are ultimately responsible for the future personal lives of children.
Causes
Psychologists say that the importance of first strong love is high. She tends to acquire over time a veil full of thoughts: “With him I would be happy. If only everything could be returned and corrected!” It may seem that you will never meet anyone like him again. This happens due to idealization; usually there is nothing real behind this idea. This is the most common phenomenon that every person encounters. Your case is not unique. Essentially, these are the thoughts of a child. If you don’t continue to think like that, then you will become very happy with others. After all, you are the master of your thoughts, and not they you? If this is a problem, watch your thoughts: what were you thinking about a minute ago? Now take any new thought that was not in your head, and think only about it. You will notice that it will begin to appear among your thoughts. This proves that you yourself can control what runs through your thoughts, if, of course, you want it.
First love can happen at 12, 18, 22, and sometimes even at 40 years old. During it, a person acquires a unique experience, he discovers hitherto unknown emotions. Everything is seen in a completely different light. This experience influences all further communication with the opposite sex. If the separation was peaceful, there were no mutual grievances, then this positive aftertaste will transfer to the next relationship. When there is a lot of pain and dissatisfaction left, a person experiences suffering, he begins to try to find compensation in other people.
From a psychological point of view, the first serious feelings are a real personal test. The personality will be “built” in accordance with the characteristics of the experience of a given situation. Like any strong surge that unbalances a person, love destroys the previous personality, and what kind of personality will be built later depends only on the lover himself. The irresponsibility or absurdity of a breakup sometimes turns into trauma and great resentment towards people. Such a trail sometimes follows a person, always serving as a reminder that he missed something important. And thoughts come that hope for happiness is lost forever. But this is the purest illusion. And there is not a single person who has not broken wood in the past.
Little love
There is no situation that does not depend on you. If a person has built his life successfully, then the first feelings will be a pleasant memory and nothing more. New emotions received in your current personal life will come to the fore. And for some, meeting their first love many years later will be a reason to reconsider their life, to ask themselves the question: “Am I really happy now?” If you are strongly drawn to what is gone, perhaps something in your current lifestyle needs to be changed. As a rule, in such cases, the temptation to meet your first love after many years becomes very great. If both people are free and willingly surrender to the power of feelings, this is ideal. Be sure to plunge headlong into this pool! But the situation will be different when the choice arises - to destroy your family or not.
"Let's remain friends..."
“Svetka got it - she clings endlessly, bullies me,” sixth-grader Yegor complains to his mother, returning from school.
“This means that mom should explain to Yegor that Svetka simply fell in love with him,” advises educational psychologist Lyudmila Nikolaevna Sitnikova. “And you need to tell your son how to behave in this situation.”
Moreover, there are several response options. For example, you can not react to the bully Svetka and keep your distance. Sometimes such coldness quickly cools feelings.
Or we can talk. And without judgment, simply stating the facts: “When you constantly push me in the side, it irritates me terribly. And I would like you to stay away from me."
Or: “I wish we were friends.”
The main thing is that you need to voice exactly what you really want.
In general, first love is a useful thing. Children train to build relationships with the people around them: they quarrel, make peace, learn to accept others as they are.
Married, but met my first love
Choices vary greatly depending on gender and experience. Psychologists say that when a man has met his first love and surrendered to her power, he will strive to return to his family, while keeping his emotions on the side. Often public morality is stricter towards women, and they, committing the same actions, can be tormented by this. Based on psychological practice, this is characteristic of them even more so the younger they are.
A representative of the fair sex who restrained herself, who endured a lot for the sake of her family, often discovers with age that no one needed this, that men are much more selfish in this matter, and a guy, having met his first love, will be less tormented by betrayal. Usually, upon reaching the age of 40, a woman begins to live for herself and, having met her first love again, rushes into the arms of emotions and does not avoid cheating. This is a very common case in the practice of psychologists. Having looked at these cases, isn’t it better to draw conclusions for yourself and not wait a few more years to live the way you want?
Having a good family, quality relationships and strong love for her husband, a woman will not be drawn to another. If this occurs, is your husband probably not the best man in your life? The instinctive program of any woman is that she is always looking for the best, she will not be happy until the strongest is next to her. If she realized that there is a weakling next to her, she often begins to persuade herself, tries to come to an agreement with herself in order to leave everything as it is. She even inspires herself to love him. This is because women have been taught for years to adapt to the situation and endure. But this does not bring them happiness.
When that very strong man meets her way, she falls into his arms. This is her nature. And there are a lot of such cases in the practice of any psychologist. Don't you need to admit the truth to yourself and meet your desires halfway, getting rid of the weaklings? Even if the truth entails a revolution in your whole life? Everyone makes their own choice.
“Who are you messing with?!”
A rumor spread around the school: sixth-grader Lenya set fire to the front door to the apartment of the main beauty of Natasha’s class. And now the girl’s parents are arguing in the director’s office. Natasha herself got it from them: “I got involved with a hooligan!”
“There is an example of blocked excitation,” comments Alexander Chizhov. “He fell in love, she didn’t respond, and the guy turned to aggression. How to resolve this situation competently?
Of course, hooliganism must be punished. In this case, the parents are responsible for their son. They will pay a fine, and at the same time receive information that they need to be more attentive to their child.
Remember: a worthy chosen one is one who has high self-esteem.
The child must be confident in himself, then he will not assert himself at the expense of others. So constantly tell your child how beautiful, smart, witty, strong, etc. he is. The most important thing is to praise from the heart.
Don't like your daughter's or son's choice? Again, refrain from criticism! Try to respect your child as an individual. And therefore, respect his opinions and feelings. Moreover, the more you protest, the greater the desire of your growing child to do the opposite.
The man is married and met her
As for men, after many years of meeting their first love and giving in to their feelings, most often in the depths of their souls they remember that they have a family. Receiving an even life with loved ones on two sides of the scale and a mistress on the other, they continue to balance, but are in no hurry to leave their wife. There is comfort in the family, and the presence of new feelings on the side only awakens in them the personality of a lover, which adds spice to relationships with women. If your husband has met his first love, you should not expect that he will want to exchange his family for her just like that. It is generally impossible to destroy a strong family from the outside. If it falls apart due to seemingly external forces, this is not so: it means that everything was no longer so good in it, and a crack has long appeared in the relationship between the spouses.
Therefore, the situation is somewhat different when he already experiences discomfort in the family and is thinking about leaving. If such a husband has met his first love, she may be the impetus after which he takes this step.
Sometimes it can be difficult to meet that woman from your younger years for fear of entering into competition with her current lover, who may be better than you. But everything is in your hands. And for sure, if you feel strongly in love, you will not ask such a question. You will simply go to destroy obstacles.
My first love: What role did she play in my life?
The story of first love turned out to be as distant as possible from the emotional burden that is present in novels, but there is a hidden message in it. Firstly, the age at which it is advisable not to start looking for love is indicated. Second, implications are presented. Thirdly, it is better to receive a strong moral blow in adulthood than at the stage of mental development. Fourthly, remember that children pay for the sins of their parents before them, take care of your children! Do not allow conflicts with your husband/wife in the presence of a child into your life, try to avoid infidelity, scenes of jealousy and divorce. Finally, think about the outcome by asking yourself: “Why am I going to do this now?”
What happened to me after what I experienced? I became firmer and more unshakable. I learned to manage the order of my life in all its aspects. I learned to make money from my hobby and reached heights at the age of 25, I have a wonderful family and two healthy daughters. I do not allow nervous and depressive states to enter my consciousness, due to my ability to manage them. It would be foolish to deny that psychologists become psychologists to solve their problems. Yes it is. There were many questions that I could not find answers to until I got into psychology. Now I help people, the attendance is proof of this.
I hope you will read this article long before problems arise and will use it as a moral lesson for your child.
PS I did not pursue the goal of offending or casting the participants in the story in a bad light.
Emotions
At the same time, sometimes emotions simply interfere with life. Sometimes you can understand with your mind that a person is not suitable, but still have feelings for him. There is only one way out: take a deep breath and announce that you are leaving. Enjoy yourself in this moment of taking a strong and decisive step. A week of black emptiness, subject to cutting off all contacts with a person, will result in a feeling of deep self-esteem, which will then manifest itself in new successes on the personal front. And most importantly, there will be internal freedom to leave the relationship at any time, whatever it may be. The realization that he has the power to leave anyone, at any time, makes a person self-sufficient and damn attractive. Isn't this a wonderful price for that pain?
Well, where we do not
A person's need for love is very deep. When he is filled with someone else's love, he cannot help but love himself. And this is the whole source of his strength, energy, this is his support in life. When she's gone, he languishes. This is a great danger, a direct indication that it is time to change something in life. Often in this state, after many years of meeting first love, a person gets stuck in memories of the past for many years. Forgetting that the past has already died and no longer exists. Why does someone remember the same love story for years and replay it in their head? There is only one reason: insufficient brightness of current life, unsettledness on the personal front. Even while remaining married, a person can be unhappy and dream about missed opportunities and past delights. Of course, it will seem to him that that pie in the sky was the best thing that happened to him. If it turns out that this is so, then this means that this is the best moment to turn everything around.
How and when to talk to a teenager about relationships?
“My child seems to have grown up: he takes care of his appearance, there is a sparkle in his eyes, there are secrets in his life. Nothing less than falling in love. Who, I wonder? Well, that's easy to find out. But what should my father and I do - save money for a stroller? They don’t have brains yet, they’re all fucked up, with only love on their minds. How about love? They need to think about studying, the Unified State Exam is just around the corner, in about four years. This is how to keep them?” - some parents lament.
And the truth: how? Is it necessary? The development of events in the personal life of a teenager in love for the first time depends to a large extent on what is happening in his parental family, how those close to him relate to his feelings and actions. So let's talk about what we know about teenage love, how we can help and how we can harm.
You can't prepare for first love. Love is random and uncontrollable.
This is partly true, but only partly: most of the processes leading to love or constituting love are inaccessible to our consciousness, so it may seem to us that it all comes “from above” or somewhere else. But love grows from within a person - depending on what his inner world is like, what conclusions he has drawn from his accumulated life experience, what emotions and what values are close and understandable to him.
Sometimes first love occurs at a time of rapid changes in the body and psyche of a teenager, for which he is also not ready, and therefore it can be even more difficult for him to begin to somehow navigate what is happening.
Normally, by the time a teenager begins to experience the first “adult” feeling, he must already pass through a number of stages in his mental development and, most importantly, learn the right lessons from them. For example, to understand what “male” and “female” behavior is, to be able to be friends, to be aware of one’s desires and not to follow their lead, to be able to cooperate and refuse, to discuss difficulties, to understand the motives of actions - one’s own and other people’s, to respect others and, in particular, their right to intimacy, to love and take care of their body, to protect themselves from offensive touches, to trust their inner voice... and much more. Alas, not every adult can boast of a full set of such characteristics. Many of us have skipped some steps in our development and got stuck on others; About the same thing happens to our children - they encounter love, although they are not yet ready for it. Therefore, feelings begin to control the teenager, and not the teenager’s feelings. Under the guise of brazen activity, he may hide his confusion, behave dependently or obsessively due to an oppressive feeling of loneliness, or he may show arrogance and indifference to avoid vulnerability. Inadequate self-esteem can both push a teenager to take risky, thoughtless actions and hinder the building of healthy relationships.
What can be done? The more healthy information a teenager receives in a timely manner and competent answers to his questions, the easier it will be for him to understand his feelings. The key words here are “healthy”, “literate”, “timely”. In addition, the teenager is in dire need of a positive self-image. Not in compensatory inflated self-esteem and lack of demands, but in recognition of existing merits, merits and rights.
First love always passes, or First love never rusts.
Of course, first love is rarely love “forever.” Usually it does go away, and that's normal. Its destined place is in a person’s memory, approximately in the same place as the first teacher, the first trip to camp, the first job and other pleasant memories of how we first tried life. Just memories that do not require resuscitation or repetition. Love, which is not forgotten over the years, despite the absence of relationships that support it, is usually a sign that a person cannot adapt to his real life, cannot build satisfying relationships and is running from the present to the past.
But we know this now, from the heights of the years we’ve lived and the cones we’ve had. Our children don’t yet know this “in their hearts”, and they don’t need to know it. They love now - and for life. There is no need to rush things, no need to tell a teenager in love that “it will pass.”
The first feeling is not always mutual, and there is nothing wrong with that. The feeling of disappointment, rejection, unfulfilled hopes can be experienced - and one must learn to survive. “Correctly” experienced such trials will help a teenager internally strengthen and mature, while “wrongly” experienced ones can perpetuate a feeling of mental pain and the so-called painful craving for abandonment. It is important that a child or teenager emerges from this stage of growing up with confidence in themselves as a potentially good partner, worthy of love and capable of building a reciprocal relationship. Who, if not his parents, can support him in difficult times?!
We all want to help our child, but we don’t always know how to do it. There is no need to say: “all this is nonsense,” “you will have dozens more of these,” “spit it and forget it,” “he/she is not worth your little finger.” Try sincerely saying something like: “I see how hard it is for you. Maybe you think that no one has experienced this? You know, I had such a story...” - and tell us about your experience, try to remember what you were worried about then, what was especially difficult and what helped, what conclusions you made and what role it played in your future life. Without any lectures, just tell us in a comradely way, as equals. Or you can say this: “You are having a difficult time. This happens in life, it is necessary for a person to toughen up, learn to live and appreciate reciprocity. When you love and don’t feel the answer, it’s very painful. But it won't always be like this. It’s hard for you now, and it will only get easier with time, but it will definitely get better. You will definitely have a happy love, I know for sure.” Do not belittle the object of your love, but support your child by saying that even the most attractive and worthy people have experience of unrequited relationships.
First love is pure and innocent, or First love is extremely dangerous.
It's no secret that today's teenagers begin to mature physically much earlier than spiritually and intellectually. Therefore, for a teenager in love, personal experiences are often more important than the object of affection. They are attracted not so much by the person as by their new, exciting sensations. A youthful dream of love is, first of all, a thirst for emotional contact, mutual understanding, spiritual closeness, that is, it is a dream of true friendship. Many teenagers therefore differentiate between the concepts of “love” and “being in love”, “love” and “sex”. On the one hand, this is how it should be until certain stages of growing up. Before opening access to the body, a person must go a long way in the speculative world of feelings, otherwise the history of his bodily relationships will be miserable. On the other hand, love and sex must be united in time in a person’s system of instrumental values (that is, those practical principles and rules that we use in everyday life): sex should be for love, sex with a loved one is wonderful, sex can and should be discussed with a partner. If this does not happen, then expect problems. The separation of bodily feelings and mental aspirations is especially characteristic of boys: they can love one girl, but seek the realization of their sexuality with others. Girls, on the other hand, dream about some kind of vague love, idealize a potential lover and future relationships (often their ideal is an unviable individual made up of mutually exclusive characteristics), which often leads to disappointments, dangerous situations and other consequences of unpreparedness for a real relationship.
But there is another trend: girls are increasingly becoming the initiators of relationships. They don't wait for a knight on a white horse to win their heart; they take this galloping horse by the bridle and with him into the burning hut. It would seem that this is Nekrasov’s opposite of Turgenev’s young ladies, but no: if the former stood at the stage of romantic dreams, although their body had long been ripe for the first kisses and quarrels, then the latter with their horses skipped through these fantasies, immediately taking up practical aspects, and the result is the same and the same: neither one nor the other understands the laws of relationships and is not ready for them. This is partly why falling in love is the number one risk factor for problematic sexual behavior. Some teenagers know how to use contraceptives and barrier protection even before their sexual debut. The vast majority of young lovers enter into the first intimate relationship in their lives without any security measures (in their understanding, a “security measure” is “so that mom doesn’t find out,” “sexual literacy” is knowledge of positions and movement techniques) ; at best, they resort to interrupted coitus - a very unreliable and physiologically harmful method. Many of our teenagers do not know how to say “no” to either their own desires or the desires of another person; they are ready to do what they do not want, just to keep their loved one.
Despite the fact that there is now a lot of information about sex, children and adolescents are in dire need of correct information on this topic - long before they need it in practice. This is an example of respectful relationships between parents, and the attitude of parents and other adults towards him, and information about growing up, about bodily changes in both sexes, about the development of relationships between people, about the bright and dark sides of sexuality. Therefore, do not be afraid to answer your children’s questions, provide them with relevant literature that you consider acceptable, and films - fortunately, there are now many good educational videos on these topics especially for young people.
Respect, a willingness to listen and easy support are three pillars that will help you when communicating with a teenager in love.
Irina Prokhorova (clinical psychologist) acted as a chaperone.
Make an appointment with a teenage psychologist by calling (812) 642-47-02 or fill out the application form on the website
Feelings won't be the same
Sometimes a meeting with an ideal image of the past confirms one fact: you can’t catch the wind. It happens that, having met your first love after 20 years, you realize that feelings will not be the same.
And it’s really like this: whoever tries to bring back the past catches the wind. It won't be the same as before. In the practice of psychologists, there are cases when a person is simply disappointed in his former love. Looking at this ideal image, which has already changed over the years, a person experiences sadness. Out of old memory, I still feel drawn to him, but that mad passion leaves no trace.
Meeting your first love many years later, you go to that young person, but a completely different picture appears before your eyes.
When comparing your nearby husband with that exalted image of a guy from the past, you will always find at least one reason for your real partner to lose in a competition with an ideal hero. After all, the second one was not pettyly annoyed because of the charred potatoes, and did not propose to cast lots for who would go for a walk with the dog. This is an imperfect person with his own shortcomings. But at that wonderful time, man loved and was loved at the behest of inexperienced hearts. Therefore, the first feelings are charming, tender and especially pure. And this is also the past. Having met your first love after 20 years, you see “déjà vu”, which is of a different taste. Maybe it's better to keep warm memories of good moments in your head? Let them remain that beautiful and untouched fairy tale that they once had the opportunity to create. Wouldn't this be more effective than, having met your first love, bitterly noticing that she is not as fresh as you would like?
What is love?
Love is a feeling that comes to a person regardless of his age, beliefs, upbringing, or life position.
Some people tend to call emotions a drug addiction, a disease, a type of mental disorder. Yes, these people actually loved once. But in those cases where love was immature, it turned out to be unhappy, so it brought a psychological attitude like the one that it is no longer worth opening up to feelings.
Everyone knows that the first stage of love - the so-called passion - gradually passes, and instead there is a unity of souls, which is expressed in strong friendship, absolute mutual understanding, confidence in each other, and sympathy. And the nature of further communication depends on how wisely the partners approach building relationships. Experts identify several stages of relationships that are common to all couples:
- honeymoon (the period can last up to six months and allows you to get rid of your fears);
- confrontation of egos (passes when partners begin to objectively look at each other’s shortcomings; at this time it is important to learn how to work with complaints);
- true love.
Perceiving another person as a part of yourself is a manifestation of love that cannot be destroyed. People cannot imagine reality other than in the form of life together. Those who are lucky enough to meet their soul mate are sure that feelings do not disappear, but only change their form. But without them, existence will become meaningless.
Love differs from falling in love by the desire to take care of a person, to have compassion, to respect, to show affection not only to him, but also to other people, to give everyone a wonderful mood. Love is the result of working on oneself, the desire to learn to live in mutual understanding, the willingness to work on preserving feelings.
Why are we looking for her?
The desire to relive what happened in the past can overtake anyone. One day the question may arise in your head: “Where can you meet your first love?” Is this useful?
The thing is that first feelings are part of a person’s life history. With the return to youth, a person is looking for a source of unspent energy.
Such a return confirms consistency: sometimes you need to understand that the choice was made correctly, and the relationship was completed for the better. When a question that has been tormenting for a long time is closed, a person is inspired to build new relationships in the present.
The search for first love is always nostalgia for a bygone romantic era. Many, plunging into the pool of past feelings, revive in themselves that bright personality who knew that the whole world was within her reach, and who had an incredible future ahead of her.
Only with the development of the first relationship does the idealized image of a lover give way to a real person. Usually the question “Where can you meet your first love?” are asked by those who have not had time to sufficiently know each other.
Psychologists believe that in any case, the search for this personality from the past is aimed at oneself. On a subconscious level, a person wants to return to a time when, as it seems to him, he was stronger and purer. This indicates that now his “I” is not realized.
Male psychology
Every girl probably asked herself the question of whether there is one love for a lifetime, given the natural practicality and down-to-earthness of men who are not always able to express feelings.
In fact, a man can love one woman his entire life. The only question is to find a person who is looking for love and is able to maintain consistency.
Male psychology in love and relationships differs from female psychology in that a representative of the stronger sex is able to withdraw into himself in the event of a quarrel. Therefore, it is important for a woman to be able to find an approach to her partner without pushing him away.
A feature of the male psyche also includes the ability to switch to the appearance of a pretty girl, her form, but this is only a temporary phenomenon that does not cancel true feelings. If he used physical force against a woman, you should not believe all his persuasion: such a man will repeat the humiliating action more than once.
A lover will emphasize the advantages and disadvantages of his other half, while a “flawed” one will only look for shortcomings in her and her relatives, while understanding that there are no ideal people. A loving person will do everything to share responsibilities, take part in any events in his partner’s life, and will not avoid activities that are not entirely familiar to him.
Even if a man is silent, on a subconscious level he compares and draws up a holistic picture about his partner: how she endures conflicts, how she spends time with him. The outlook and values of his beloved should not remain familiar to him. For a relationship to last, a man needs to feel admiration and interest in his woman.
Express
Sometimes those who want to meet their first love are those who feel that their “gestalt was not closed.” That is, questions remained unanswered, there was no sense of completion from those episodes.
This is often felt most acutely when the relationship ended due to the influence of an external force with which the couple did not begin to fight. This could be due to parental pressure in youth, relocation, or public opinion.
On a deep subconscious level, a person identifies this story with the relationship of Romeo and Juliet, forbidden feelings. They are actively cultivated everywhere.
Adored teacher
“I will not complete your task until I receive an answer to the question: “What are you, so beautiful, doing in an ordinary school like ours?”
Ever since sixth-grader Nikita fell in love with his computer science teacher, remarks like his from the spot are not uncommon. And yet, left alone with her, he seriously declares: “I will marry you!” What should a teacher do in such a situation?
“Goodwill and a sense of humor will be your salvation,” says psychologist Lyudmila Sitnikova. - Just don’t confuse humor with ridicule! Teachers on every corner don’t talk about such “fans.” If, of course, they meet professional requirements. And only pedagogical talent allows one to turn a teacher’s passion into a passion for the subject.
Second chance
Sometimes, having come a long way in his life, having changed a lot during personal crises, a person wants to find some support in the past. If he wants to meet his first love, the advice of psychologists will be clear: he needs to understand why he is drawn to safe territory, where everything has already been studied instead of new unexplored distances.
Finding those feelings again regenerates a person; it may seem that a recipe for eternal youth has been found. Even those who have everything in their life already arranged can go in search of them. It would seem that everything is there: why look for first love? For the fountain of youth!
Female aspiration
Often, female representatives strive to meet that guy from the past, experiencing a craving to get away from the daily routine, where, within the framework of the traditional roles of wife and mother, they become too bored and cramped.
They go into dreams of those relationships where there were no burdensome obligations, and everything was light and airy, like porous chocolate.
Any person likes to feel that there is that support in life to which he can always return. But if he is always mentally in the past, living in memories, then this is direct evidence that he is afraid of the present and the future. He is trying to escape reality into his illusions.
Update
Even if you meet your first love in a photo while searching on social networks, you can be disappointed. It can feel like a walk around the block from your youth. It becomes clear how much the image deposited in the head differs from the real situation. Even if he remains in the heart, then a person will leave less room for him.
Sometimes a meeting with the object of your first feelings can result in a startling discovery: your current partner is your true soulmate.
Psychologists advise: if you have a desire to meet that person from the past with whom a lot of good things are associated, you should bring it to life. This experience is always useful and it in itself cannot destroy anything. It will become an indicator of what is happening in the present. It will show the sincerity of feelings in the current relationship, highlight those moments that need correction, or confirm that everything is fine in the present.
The loss of illusions is extremely useful for further development. It will open the door to a new world in which a person will find himself.
Captivated by passions
Eighth-grader Yulia had a friend Tanya who was dating Artem. But Yulia also liked Artem. Who once liked Julia. And now he walks with her. And Tanya, shocked by the betrayal of her friend and lover, sobs into her pillow and repeats: “I’m unhappy. I can't do anything. I don’t want to live!”
“Parents whose children are suffering from unrequited feelings sometimes come to see us,” says Alexander Chizhov, director of the Center for Psychological, Medical and Social Support of the Education Department of the North-Western District of the capital. - And each case is individual. So it would be unprofessional to give general recommendations behind the scenes. But one piece of advice, perhaps, suits everyone: you need to explain to your child that first love is not necessarily for life. And that you should not idealize your lover. But how to explain this? In my opinion, you just need to remember your personal experience. And tell your child about it. At the same time, remember the state in which he now finds himself.
After all, the problem of unrequited love is the problem of loneliness. Therefore, all your child needs now is empathy and sympathy. In this “with” is the main thing. The child must understand that you are together in an important and difficult situation for him. Moreover, you understand his feelings - after all, you also have a similar experience. And it is precisely the fact that you, alive and well, now telling him about it, that demonstrates best of all: this can be survived.
In general, first love is a serious test of the strength of the parent-child relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes dads and moms themselves put an end to these relationships, boring them: “You need to learn, not fall in love!” Having not found understanding in the family, the child, of course, will go looking for it on the side. And it is not known where he will find it! So, first of all, try to adapt to changes in your son or daughter's behavior.
Love
Sometimes you can understand that it is that person who is the truest love. This also happens. In this case, you will need to take a number of actions to make sure that this other half also wants to continue. After all, she may have no idea that your feelings have flared up, she may not want to return everything and start over, she may not want to live in the past.
One of the most striking situations is when a girl marries someone she doesn’t love. Only because he will be a good husband and father.
And then, against this background, the very man with whom she feels a strong connection appears. She met her first love many years later. He probably only became better, more successful and more attractive over the years. It doesn't matter where he appeared or why. The memories immediately flashed through all the best moments together, reflections of those vivid emotions that we managed to experience together. At the same time, good moments appear more clearly, and all the bad is thrown aside: this is the property of the human psyche.
And it can’t help but creep into your head, sometimes constantly haunting you. There are more and more thoughts about him. And now - it can no longer be shaken out of the everyday flow of thought! The question arises: what to do if you have met such a past love?
Being in a relationship with someone else and experiencing such a vivid palette of emotions from a living personification of your past, it is worth understanding yourself by remembering the reasons for breaking up with such a wonderful person. There was probably a reason, and not such an insignificant one, since the relationship was terminated. This is where you need to pay the closest attention. Scroll through your head all the difficulties that arose during communication. After all, the deep essence of people never changes anyway. Only a few change radically over the course of life, and this is hardly a unique case. If this affair continues now, then again all the sharp corners will come to the surface, and this will be a repetition of the same steps. Why repeat yourself when you can build a new beautiful love story with someone else, someone who matches your values?
But if your gut clearly speaks in favor of resuming relations, the last line of defense will remain. You need to find out from yourself whether this is really love or just a storm of passions that was caused by one memory of what was and is gone? Perhaps it's just nostalgia. But even if so, there is nothing reprehensible in this. Feel free to plunge into the feeling where your soul calls you. It is always a pleasant and positive experience. You shouldn’t take this too seriously, because it is likely that when you get closer to the person, you will realize that you no longer want to continue. But this experience is necessary, it will bring pleasant emotions. Without taking a step towards the surging feelings, you can be left with a long lifelong regret about what was not done. According to psychological studies conducted in hospices, this is what dying people most often regret: that they never took a risk.
What if my first love was a long time ago, but I still can’t forget it?
Many psychologists believe that if you do not relieve stress in time, it will remain with you forever. My opinion: healing is always possible as soon as you decide to choose joy and happiness for yourself. If you yourself like to stew in this broth of pain and tears, then no one else can help. But once you decide to leave a relationship (even a long-standing one) and find out what harmony is, no one can stop you. Creativity, personal or professional growth, self-development, sports, travel, or even changing cities help a lot in this matter. Also, remove all the “anchors” that mentally lead you to this person. Evaluate the experience you have lived, not the emotions that continue to overwhelm you. There is no need to endow yourself and your partner with demonizing qualities or distort the world.
