Midlife crisis in men - behavioral characteristics and specialist recommendations

September 12, 2018
Psychology of Personality
Balakhonova Marina

A person goes through several age-related crises throughout his life. But it is the midlife crisis that occurs more acutely in men. Everything familiar and dear can suddenly lose value for him, and the man begins to look at his past achievements differently. The wife and children suffer the most during this period. A loving husband and father suddenly turns into an indifferent, irritable person. What is a midlife crisis in men, and how does it manifest itself? How to help your spouse during this difficult time for him. The answers to these questions are in our article.

General information

Perhaps many ladies are familiar with the situation when a beloved man suddenly ceases to be satisfied with the current state of affairs, and what he has been striving for for so long ceases to be significant. This is often observed due to age-related changes. What is a midlife crisis in men? This is an emotional state characterized by:

Depressive symptoms.
Change of world view.
Attempts to prove one's worth.

The severity of the age crisis depends on a number of reasons. For some it ends quite quickly, for others it drags on for years. There are cases when men decide to make drastic changes and leave their families. The actions and actions of the strong half of humanity during this difficult period for them can cause bewilderment among loved ones and provoke conflicts. A man is trying to change his life. He strives in every possible way to prove (to everyone and to himself) that he is still full of strength and energy, so he can compete equally with the young. There are cases when men become so depressed that they go on a long drinking binge and break ties with friends. The less a man tries to understand what is happening to him, the more depressed he becomes.

Is the crisis a problem or an impetus for great things?

Hormonal changes cause different reactions in every man. Some people leave their families and destroy everything they have acquired, while others achieve new goals and conquer Everest. It all depends on the person’s mental state and his willpower. Everything is in our hands and only we ourselves decide how our lives will turn out.

It is important for relatives and wives not to abandon such men, but to be their support and support in everything. A wise wife contributes to the development and prosperity of the family, but a stupid woman destroys it with her own hands.

When the crisis begins

Recently, there has been a tendency for men to experience a midlife crisis earlier. At what age can it start? Psychologists call the period from 30 to 45 years. This depends on a number of reasons: psychological characteristics, family support, moral principles, status and other things. One of the important predisposing factors is an unstable financial condition. By the age of 30-40, a man already begins to realize his position in society, evaluates his mistakes and achievements. In addition, society itself has a great influence, which “presses” morally, assessing what a man has achieved? If he is dependent on the opinions of others, then it will be hard for him to experience his inadequacy: small earnings, lack of career growth or family.

When do men have a midlife crisis?

On average, the key dates of its occurrence are after 35, 40, 50 years, with the peak occurring at 44-45 years. For most men, it's a matter of adjusting the priorities in their lives to better suit their emotional needs.

Although currently we are seeing the emergence of a crisis much earlier than the accepted standard, for example, 30 years. Therefore, some researchers consider it as a “crisis of youth culture.”

The modern crisis begins for men at about the age of 40, when it seems to them that youth has not brought the expected results, which means they need to try to catch up. That is why it is also called “forties-rock”. At the same time, the same thing is not uncommon among fifty-year-old men.

This is undoubtedly a painful period and can be devastating. But it can also serve as a “wake-up call” for a qualitative change in life goals and achieving success.

But what are the reasons for the emergence of a male crisis?

Psychological reasons

A feeling of disappointment in how one’s life has turned out and fear due to the approach of old age and mortality. Often such gloomy views are caused by some serious problems: divorce, job loss.

Changes in sexual function that come with age. Suddenly the realization comes that the erection is no longer the same as in youth, and intimate relationships are devoid of color. For some, this is the beginning of a downward slide.

Lack of goals and direction in which to move. Everything I wanted to achieve has already been achieved, but it’s not clear what to do next. Relationships with a life partner bring disappointments, children have become adults and lead independent lives. What to do next?

Sleep may be another reason. According to a report published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, the male crisis may be linked to a lack of deep sleep. At 30 or 40 years old, men's sleep is mostly fragmentary or superficial - much worse than in youth.

Under the age of 45, according to the report, few of the world's male population experience a good phase of deep sleep. The body stops producing growth hormone, because of this they gain weight, which also psychologically has a bad effect on men’s feelings.

Physical reasons

Testosterone deficiency syndrome, also known as andropause, is characterized by a gradual decrease in levels of the hormone, which leads to physical changes. Such as decreased muscle tone, fatigue, insomnia, risk of osteoporosis, increased body fat, erectile dysfunction - says Dr. Victor Diaz Nicolas, (urologist at the Quirón Salud University Hospital, Madrid).

An enlarged prostate, leading to blockage of the urethra and difficulty urinating, is also one of the most common causes of a male midlife crisis.

But, undoubtedly, one of the main problems that worries men the most as they age is erectile dysfunction. The cause may be not only psychological factors, but also physical ones: obesity, diabetes, hypercholesterolemia, smoking.

How long does the crisis last?

It is impossible to accurately answer this question. This is influenced by numerous factors. For example, someone is so immersed in work and busy organizing their personal life that they attribute all their experiences to side effects from overexertion. There are men who become so immersed in their own thoughts and reflections that their crisis drags on for many years. There are also individuals who live in a state of crisis for the rest of their lives. Normally, a midlife crisis can last up to three years in men. A protracted period is considered to be from 5 to 7 years. If the crisis has dragged on for a longer period, you need to contact a psychologist or psychiatrist and together look for a way out of the current negative situation.

What to do, how to survive?

Many people think that it is at the age of 40 that a crisis begins for all men. However, no one can know exactly what time it will start. It all depends on the individuality of the human body. But how to survive this time and stay in the family? You need to remember a few rules:

Don't grieve for your past life and don't suffer from nostalgia
. If you don't like your life, add positive colors to it and try to change something. Take up any interesting job or get involved in some hobby. Inaction only makes depression worse.
Change your job and set a new goal
. Renovate your home and change its interior. If everything suits you, earn money for a trip to another country and, together with your family, go for new sensations or emotions. Someone wants to move to another country and for this they learn a foreign language, thanks to which they gradually achieve their goal. Learn to love life and continue to achieve everything, don’t give up and don’t be content with what you have. Learn to do something new for you and thanks to this, your self-esteem will increase.
Train yourself to be an optimist
. Fight your thoughts by taking them prisoner. Do not allow negative thinking to develop and never think about death. Start playing sports and overcome your bad habits.
Focus only on the good
, praise yourself for the successes you have achieved and don’t stop there. A positive attitude will help you survive the crisis normally, without bad consequences.
Don't think that your life is over and it's over
. Do not feel sorry for yourself and go towards your goal, many people achieved success only by the age of 50, and you are no exception. A strong desire does wonders.
Apperciate things which you have
. People are used to noticing what they don't have. However, think about the fact that you have health, family, work, relatives, friends and, finally, life. Many people only dream about this, but you already have it. Happy is not the one who has everything, but the one who knows how to appreciate what he has. It’s not for nothing that they say that we don’t keep what we have, but when we lose it we cry.
Take care of your health and don't overwork
. A balanced lifestyle will help you survive menopause safely.

In order for a midlife crisis to go well, men need to pull themselves together and control their feelings, emotions and behavior. Apply all these tips and maybe your life will become even better.

Why does a crisis occur?

Until a certain age, a man lives with his eyes closed. He does not feel age and does not notice how his biological clock is ticking. When age-related changes make themselves felt, their eyes “open”, men suddenly begin to fear old age and its consequences. The main factors that create a midlife crisis in men are:

Hormonal changes in the body. Some experts call this phenomenon “male menopause.” In women, age-related changes begin with menopause, in men - with a decrease in the body's production of testosterone, which entails a decrease in libido, deterioration in potency and poor erection.
Deterioration of health. A man becomes more vulnerable to disease, loses his former strength, develops a paunch, and has problems in his intimate life.
Lack of achievements and career growth. The man suddenly looks back and realizes that by his age he has achieved practically nothing, and there is not much time ahead for this.
Lack of family and children. Some men under 30-40 years of age do not want to start a family, preferring a free life. But during the period of maturation of age-related changes, the realization comes that he does not have a successor to the family. This affects self-esteem and provokes depression.
Increased self-criticism. For men after 40, during a midlife crisis, there comes a moment of looking for mistakes in the past and great worry about this. They evaluate their past actions from a negative perspective.
Lack of self-confidence. A man wants to change his life for the better, to commit a significant act, but lack of confidence in his abilities prevents him from achieving what he wants.

Physiology

Middle age is characterized by certain physiological changes:

withering of the skin;
decreased melanin production;
hair loss of natural shade and thinning;
decreased growth;
change in body weight due to the ratio of fat mass to muscle mass;
decreased fertility in women.

The physiological state of the body can change depending on nutrition, genetic factors, country of residence, lifestyle, etc. Everyone is individual. There are as many differences as there are people.

Additional factors

The severity of the manifestations and duration of the crisis are influenced by the following factors:

Loss of a loved one. A man realizes the transience of life, feels loneliness and hopelessness. He understands that he is powerless in the face of approaching old age.
Complexes in the past and mistakes in his upbringing that influenced his future life.
Weak character.

A crisis does not happen just because of one problem. Several factors of external and internal changes can push its development. To live this difficult period as comfortably as possible, you need to know the characteristic symptoms of an age crisis in men and be aware of them.

What is a midlife crisis in men?

Male crisis is the inability of a man to properly cope with difficulties, challenges or age-related changes. It can be triggered by divorce, serious illness, loneliness, the death of a loved one, or just happen out of nowhere.

Midlife is actually a half-life crisis, accompanied by feelings of dissatisfaction, says Katherine Betts Adams, Ph.D., gerontologist and aging researcher. A period of regrets and rethinking: a kind of re-evaluation of what has been done so far, “mourning” of past youth, which, alas, will never return, and a transition to how new, that is, older, a man will look, Adams explains.

This can lead to radical changes in daily life and on different levels: work, marriage, relationships, behavior... Everyone reacts differently. For some, it's a physical change (gray hair, more pronounced wrinkles, advanced baldness) or a medical change (arthritis, cholesterol).

It is also worth paying attention to the opinion of endocrinologists, who consider human physiology to be the cause of its occurrence. Watch this three minute video.

Symptoms

Sometimes a person himself is not able to understand what is happening to him, because he does not see anything unusual in his actions. However, the signs of a midlife crisis in men are usually immediately noticeable to close people and everyone around them. So, the symptoms of the crisis are:

Increased fatigue, sudden mood swings. A man can be either irritable or sentimental. For example, when watching a melodrama, tears well up in his eyes, but after a couple of minutes he can yell at his wife about a poorly ironed shirt.
Concerns about your appearance. During this period, it is important for a man to maintain the attractiveness and attention of the opposite sex. Therefore, he can carefully examine himself in the mirror, looking for wrinkles and gray hairs.
Concern about one's health, especially the sexual sphere, manifestation of suspicions about the wife's fidelity. She may notice that her husband began using drugs to increase potency, began going to the gym, and visiting a beauty salon. In addition, her husband may become jealous of her for no reason.

The appearance of apathy, the desire for loneliness, secrecy. A man can withdraw into himself, stop communicating with friends, and be frank with his wife.
Experiences and thoughts about your future. Often, a manifestation of a midlife crisis in men 30 years of age and older is thinking about the end of their lives. They begin to take stock. In some cases, this manifests itself so clearly that the help of a psychologist is required.
Reflections on the right choice of a life partner. A woman may hear reproaches addressed to her that she is not the one with whom a man would want to spend the rest of his life. The husband can claim that during the entire time they lived together, she fed him poorly, did not take care of his clothes, did not pay enough attention, and in general ruined his whole life. Men sometimes deliberately provoke scandals and find fault with their wives for no apparent reason. During this period, some husbands leave home, take on young mistresses, and file for divorce.
Irresponsibility and selfish behavior. There are times when a man abruptly quits his job, sells his car or apartment. However, he does not consider it necessary to inform his wife.
Alcohol abuse. A depressed state leads a man to start drinking a lot in an attempt to solve his problems. This only makes the situation worse.

These are the main signs that show how a midlife crisis manifests itself in men. It is important for them to know not only men, but also family members, in order to soberly assess the situation and try to help a loved one survive this difficult period.

Main features

At the turn of 40 years (this figure is considered to be the “middle age” of a man), many representatives of the stronger sex are in a constant state of stress due to reassessment of the values of their lives.
Outwardly, it may seem that nothing has changed and everything is going as usual, but the emotional state of a man during this period is going through hard times. Anyone can face this problem, regardless of their financial well-being or marital status. The period of greatest risk of a crisis falls on the return from 36 to 50 years; it is not possible to give a more precise figure due to individual characteristics. The crisis can be characterized by the fact that the psychological problems of men lead to the realization that youth has already passed, and, looking back, not everyone can say that they took everything from life, and all the opportunities that fate gave them were used.

Dissatisfaction with the answers to the question: “what have I achieved in life?”, “could I have done something better?”, as a result, leads to reflections that can develop complexes in a man, because it is generally accepted that at this age there is no all possibilities are open, it is no longer possible to change anything.

There are several fundamental things in life, problems in which can lead a person to depression:

Job. It is during the period of 35-40 years that a career is at its peak, and if by this age a man has not reached the heights, it frightens him, and it seems as if nothing can be changed. But a high position and big earnings are not a guarantee that a crisis will not occur; introspection can lead to a man deciding that what he has received from life is not all that he could do.
Family. Even little things can irritate; what usually seemed normal now leads the head of the family to dissatisfaction. Just like with work, a man may feel as if the woman he dreamed of is not around, and his family could be much happier.
Health. Concern about one’s health reaching a manic state is another sign. After all, according to the man, he is on the threshold of old age and his health is about to be like that of an elderly old man.

Read more: Aggression in relationships: what to do?

How can this end?

The consequences of a midlife crisis in men 30-45 years old can have a favorable or unfavorable outcome. In the first case, a man will overestimate his attitude towards life, towards his family, towards his achievements. He can get a more successful job, begin to value his family and friends more, and begin to set more realistic goals for himself. That is, he will return to normal life with a positive outlook on the surrounding reality. An unfavorable outcome threatens a man with the loss of his family, divorce, dismissal, drunkenness or prolonged depression.

How can I help you?

In addition to family relationships, involve your man in social life:

Sport. A good way to distract, or even captivate a person, is sports. Regular exercise (or better yet, joint exercise) in a fitness center or just in the fresh air will help not only improve your well-being, but also strengthen your morale and improve your state of mind. compliments and encouragement about physical characteristics from the woman you love will cheer you up, and who knows, maybe it will reduce the time a man spends in crisis to a minimum.
Forays into cultural events, museums and exhibitions can also add a new touch to a man’s life. You don’t have to spend a lot, the main thing is to show that life doesn’t just go on, it’s just begun! You can take a trip, even to a neighboring city, and learn something new. Well, if your financial situation allows you to fly far, don’t delay, rest.

How to overcome this period

How to overcome a midlife crisis in men? Psychologists recommend the following:

Take a sober look at your life. Each person has some kind of achievement (one became a businessman, the other became the father of a wonderful son).
You can't compare yourself to others. Every person is unique and interesting.
Try to understand the fact that the wife and children are not to blame for the current situation.
Be interested in children's interests and hobbies.
Find something that interests you on your own. This will help not only cope with a bad mood, but also realize your dreams.
If severe depression occurs, you need to consult a specialist, talk it out and take his advice.
If you want to change your job, change it. It's never too late to try to change your life for the better.
Do not forget about loved ones and do not neglect them. Replacing your life partner with a younger one does not guarantee the absence of problems. Most likely, there will be more of them. It is better to try to maintain a relationship with a woman with whom you have lived together for many years.
Do not take rash actions. They can lead to irreversible consequences.

If a man is 40 years old and does not yet have a family, then this is not a reason to become despondent and feel inadequate. At this age there is still a lot of strength, and reproductive functions have only slightly slowed down, but have not stopped. Therefore, you just need to change your mood: be optimistic and look to the future with hope. Many girls are looking for middle-aged men as permanent partners. They are more reliable, wise and wealthy.

Is it possible to overcome psychological illness?

Rare women manage to completely avoid crisis moments in middle age. No matter how old it is, it goes unnoticed only when a woman has more intense experiences. The severity, course and ability to cope with a crisis depend on the behavior of the individual:

— Functional type of behavior. The individual does not have a clear life plan; only sometimes attempts are made to organize life and change activities
- Spontaneous type. Such a person has no plans, he adapts to the proposed circumstances, “goes with the flow”
- Contemplative. Or infantile - realization of immediate needs, reference only to external circumstances
— Creative type. A person adequately assesses events, has plans and knows how to achieve them, uses circumstances for his own benefit

2.1. How to get out of the crisis

Even if you don’t understand what to do, but you feel that something is wrong and want to stop this condition, this is already half the success. During this period, it is good to visit a psychologist and follow his recommendations.

But how can women overcome the pre-crisis thoughts of midlife on their own if there is neither time nor money for specialists?

— Realize and accept the fact of the crisis. By ignoring and thinking that everything will go away on its own, you aggravate your condition. - Take care of your mental state. Understand that your age is the best time for change, travel, entertainment and self-care. If you want to change your hairstyle or wardrobe, do it. If you want to get closer to nature, take a day off and go out of town. - Watch your health. Finally, start taking vitamins regularly, visit the doctor whose visit you have been putting off for several months. Go in for sports - physical activity will not only increase your endurance and improve your shape, but also add the joy hormone to your blood. - Watch your diet. It has been proven that reduced consumption of coffee and tea improves sleep and eliminates unnecessary anxiety, and giving up sweets and fatty foods increases energy and stamina. Don't forget that 6-8 glasses of clean water a day cleanse the body, help maintain a healthy complexion and fight extra pounds. — Improve your life every day. Try to make your little dream come true every week. Build relationships with loved ones, meet friends, visit relatives. The feeling of family nearby gives a sense of security and will tell women how to survive the crisis discomfort of midlife further. — Set new goals. You received a long-awaited promotion, the child whom you raised and invested your best in has grown up. The feeling of satisfaction was replaced by confusion and hopelessness. Choose a new goal, devote time to a hobby that you have been putting off all the time due to being busy, learn something new - courses, skills, additional qualifications. - Help yourself. Drink soothing infusions, replace watching TV with calm walks, find a reason to laugh and give yourself positive attitudes all the time.

Important! If the tips listed do not help and “does not let you go,” consult a psychologist.

The specialist has repeatedly encountered midlife crises in different women and knows how to help. Also check your hormones. Perhaps the cause of mood swings is changes in hormonal levels.

2.2. Are there any advantages to a crisis state?

Can there be anything positive when a woman experiences a crisis, reinforced by middle age?

Every cloud has a silver lining, because this state allows:

- Take a fresh look at life, reassess values, understand yourself better;
— Identify new goals, engage in personal growth and, with a correct assessment of your strengths, emerge from the crisis with victories, not losses;
- Assess how well everything is going as you planned
— Sometimes nervous experiences change your vision of the situation, making it clear that you are not facing a dead end, but a new horizon
— Pay attention to those who support you as a woman and are trying to help you get out of your midlife crisis. You will realize that you are not alone and the world is not so gray.

How to help a man

When men reach a crisis age, it is always a difficult test for their wives, children, and mothers. If a man is prone to aggression and despotism, then it is doubly difficult. He will blame all his failures on his loved ones. Many women suffer in silence because they do not know how to behave during a midlife crisis in men. What should a wife do? Psychologists give simple recommendations that will help a woman overcome a difficult period in her husband’s life. They will be as follows:

Don't be offended by your husband. The wife should try to communicate with her husband without reproaches or offense. Otherwise it will only get worse. Mutual bickering and quarrels will lead to complete alienation. During this difficult period, a man needs understanding, affection and care. Only a wise, loving woman is capable of this. She is the one who can raise her husband’s self-esteem and make him believe in himself again.
Verbal therapy. A wife should listen to her husband’s thoughts about life and not interrupt him. In response to all negative arguments, have a positive counterargument in stock. You need to remind your husband of his achievements, good qualities, praise him, tell him how much she and the children need him.
Prove your care and love through deeds. You can arrange a romantic dinner, invite your husband to the cinema, give a long-awaited gift, buy a trip to the sea. To cope with the problem, it is necessary to fill a man’s every day with interesting events and vivid emotions.
Keep your husband busy. To leave no room for negative thoughts, you need to schedule your spouse’s day minute by minute. Let him take the child for a walk, fix furniture, go to the store, or help around the house. You can buy new furniture and start assembling it, starting repairs. In addition, you can find a joint hobby and get involved in dancing, photography, tourism, wood burning and other exciting activities.
Improved sex life. The husband’s worst problem is decreased erection and decreased sexual desire. He may blame the woman for being cold towards him. Therefore, you should not deny your husband intimate intimacy, treat his piquant whims with understanding, and, if possible, postpone all matters if your husband wants warmth and affection. The wife should also start watching her figure and appearance.
Faith in the future. It is important not only to try to convince a man that everything will be fine, that everything will work out. You need to believe in it yourself. It is necessary to show a man that the age of 40-45 is not old age, that there are still many achievements ahead.

Correct behavior of a woman

The basics of helping a woman during a difficult period lie on three pillars:

support;
Adoption;
Love.

The first sign that a man has “withdrawn into himself” is his frequent silence and reluctance to communicate. Constant fatigue and dissatisfaction with any mistake, even the smallest one, should also alert you. Often a man is overwhelmed by aggression, and mood swings become the norm for such a period of a person’s life. In response to this, you should not let the situation take its course, talk to him, bring him into dialogue.

If a man receives proper support from loved ones, the crisis will pass faster, adaptation to a new period of life will be less painful. A life partner should become the first assistant in this matter. The main thing is to recognize in time what is happening in the soul of the betrothed.

It is not without reason that they say that a woman in a family is the neck that turns the “head” - the man - in the right direction. The wisdom inherent in representatives of the fair half of humanity will help provide a man with the opportunity to feel like a leader in the family, whose word is not discussed. Sometimes demands and requests will not be entirely timely and may even resemble the whims of a child, and this is where female wisdom is needed to help minimize the consequences of male decisions.

Convey to your loved one that his changes in appearance and health are a natural, biological process, and gradually we all age; this process did not begin instantly, but goes on for years. A man should not doubt that he will be accepted at any age, in sickness and in health, it is necessary to make him understand that changes in his physical condition and acceptance of it are what people agree to when they agree to live in a family.

A huge role in preserving a family is played by the sexual attractiveness of the partner, her love and passion. And if a long-term life partner cannot provide all her husband’s needs in this regard, then it is no wonder that he will go “to the left.” And here scaring off your competitors will no longer help, you need to start with yourself, become interesting and attractive to your man. Even your diet can help ignite the spark of passion. Regularly encourage your man to eat eggs, nuts and seafood (known aphrodisiacs) and his sexual desire will become sharper.

Denying intimacy is a direct path to worsening the situation both in the soul of the husband and in the family.

After all, thanks to regular sex, a man can feel important and assert himself. It is quite possible that right now a new round will begin in close relationships between a man and a woman.

Read more: Male Madonna and Harlot complex

What a woman shouldn't do

There are several prohibitions that will not solve the problem of midlife crisis in men, but will only worsen the situation. A woman should not do the following:

Blame yourself for his suffering. If the spouse claims the opposite, you need to try to understand that these are only manifestations of a crisis, the person is despondent and does not know what he is saying.
Cry and beg him to change. A man must understand that his wife is fine. Otherwise, he will begin to worry doubly. This will only make it worse.
Wait and demand from your spouse manifestations of love and affection. This is now required of you.
Blame him for indifference. There is no need to demand increased attention to yourself; now the husband wants to be alone and sort out his problems.
Be indifferent and turn a blind eye to the current situation. You need to try to understand the problem, try to help your husband.
Kick your husband out of the house. He may actually leave and never return.

A midlife crisis in men is a natural stage in the development of his personality. You need to accept it and try to overcome it calmly. During this period, loved ones should show special patience, care and attention. A successful outcome largely depends on them.