Jealousy is a natural disaster, an avalanche that can sweep away everything in its path. It’s easy to summon it, but it’s difficult to fight it. After all, jealousy inflames itself. From one small suspicion, an endless stream of insults, quarrels and misunderstandings can grow. They are jealous of their husband or wife, son or daughter, sister or brother. What can I say, some are even jealous of their pets.
Probably, any person sooner or later encounters such a feeling as jealousy. Unfortunately, it can destroy even the strongest relationships. We begin to get nervous, throw tantrums and scandals, ruin the lives of people close to us, often creating problems that can be avoided. But who would like such a life? That's right - no one. The sad result is separation and breakdown of relationships. So what is jealousy, and how to deal with it?
Is jealousy good or bad?
To answer the question: “Is jealousy good or bad?”, you must first define this concept.
Jealousy is the desire to undividedly own all the time and absolutely all the forces, mental and physical, of another person. A painful mistrust of someone's fidelity, love, devotion. Jealousy is a negative feeling that appears when there is a noticeable lack of attention, love, respect or sympathy on the part of a highly valued person, especially a loved one, while this is deceptively or actually received from him by someone else. A constant tendency towards jealousy is jealousy. It is generally considered a negative trait and is even compared to a disease. If the valued person is not involved in the situation, envy takes place.
Based on this definition, then, of course, jealousy is bad, but it’s not that simple. After all, our whole life and the feelings with which it is filled cannot be only black or white. And this is also true for jealousy. Let's look at the two sides of the coin and try to figure out whether jealousy is good or bad and we need to start with love.
Jealousy and love are often equated. This is from the same opera, hitting means loving. The feeling of jealousy in a love relationship gives the partner the strength to directly state his grievances and claims. But, if you do not pull yourself together in time and do not curb the feeling of jealousy, then it can turn into an uncontrollable aggressive force that will lead not only to screams and broken plates, but also to violence and sometimes murder.
Jealousy in its most neglected state is actually a person’s reaction to his perception of himself as an inferior and imperfect person. A harmful, unbearable, exhausting feeling of jealousy is a sign of serious problems associated primarily with the figure of the jealous person.
Experts in the field of psychology identify several character traits and behavioral traits characteristic of jealous people:
- Low self-esteem and, as a result, loss of self-confidence and strength.
- A heightened sense of possessiveness, an absolute desire to possess another person, his thoughts and desires.
- The thirst for power and the desire to retain this power at all costs.
All this can be called abnormal jealousy, which is characterized by feelings of one’s own insignificance, uncertainty and indecision. Constant anxiety and thoughts about what your partner is doing while away from you, endless suspicions, doubts, all this is not only offensive and humiliating for everyone, but will ultimately have a detrimental effect on your entire life, destroying it, leading to frequent stress and constant depression. And, in this context, jealousy is bad.
Why do you need to get rid of feelings of jealousy?
Getting rid of jealousy is difficult, but possible. The jealous person must determine the scale of the problem, analyze his own actions and warn himself about the consequences of constant mistrust, otherwise he will fill the relationship with a cold atmosphere that will soon lead to its destruction.
One should be afraid not of the loss of a loved one, but of jealousy itself and the harm it can cause. For example, cause an irreconcilable conflict with loved ones and relatives due to unsubstantiated accusations, influence the breakdown of relationships due to anger and intolerance of mistrust of the accused partner, destroy harmony in the family, provoke uncontrollable hysteria (stress) and deep disappointment in a loved one, etc. d.
After recognizing the problem, you need to move on to action. These include controlling your thoughts and actions. To do this, just stop checking calls on your mobile phone and correspondence on social networks. You shouldn't let jealousy into your soul. It is necessary to destroy it at the peak of anxiety. To do this, a mental conversation with yourself will help. By asking many questions and receiving answers to them, it is easy to convince yourself that useless surveillance or searching for any evidence will not preserve and strengthen love, but, on the contrary, will break and destroy the harmony in the family that has been created over the years.
Concept of healthy jealousy
But there is, if you can call it that, healthy jealousy, because its complete absence can indicate indifference. Healthy jealousy is attention to your soulmate, but without paranoid suspicions and total control. It may and should appear if a partner flirts with others, shows signs of attention that go beyond friendly communication, or deceives you.
It is clear that in this case there must be some kind of reaction to the partner’s actions. The main thing here is not to go to extremes and not build theories of a universal conspiracy, but to carefully try to find out the reasons and draw the right conclusions. It may well be that all your suspicions are unfounded, and you will only exhaust yourself in vain. Or maybe your partner deliberately provokes you, thus trying to change something in your life together?
Whatever the reasons for such behavior, a feeling of jealousy in such situations has a right to exist and any person who cares about his relationship will react. In this sense, jealousy is good.
Live your life
Psychologists also give other advice on how to get rid of jealousy towards your wife or husband. Often the reason for this negative feeling is the obsession of one of the spouses with the life of the other. This happens most often due to a lack of personal interests.
This can relate not only to jealousy, but also to strict control over children by, as a rule, mothers. However, it is worth keeping in mind that endless interference in the life of a loved one does not make both parties happy. How to avoid this? Add variety to your life. Find hobbies. Of course, a hobby should not become a reason to ignore your partner. This is only a source of understanding that the world is huge and there is something else in it besides family. Your partner, as well as your daughter or son, should be allowed to do the same. People need freedom to communicate with colleagues, friends, and members of the opposite sex. Here you need to show your partner that you completely trust him. You provide a certain freedom and do not clamp the vice of control. This will allow you not to be sensitive to your relationships, to experience less fear and suffering.
Believe in yourself
Jealousy is often caused by low self-esteem. It is thanks to low self-esteem that thoughts about your partner’s betrayal appear, which must happen because of your shortcomings. It seems to you that your soulmate is surrounded by people who are smarter, more beautiful and more interesting than you, and against their background, you are simply lost and cannot compete.
How to deal with this type of jealousy? The main thing here is to clearly understand that you do not and cannot have competitors. Your partner has already chosen you and that means he loves you for who you are.
But repeating that I am the most beautiful, smart and charming is still not enough. Constant work on yourself is necessary, because there is no limit to perfection. Take care of your appearance, create an atmosphere of friendliness and comfort in your family.
Many excellent books have been written about how to increase your self-esteem. Since this topic is really very voluminous and cannot be covered in one article, the women’s site KoKetKa-web advises reading books by such authors as Dale Carnegie, John Count, Louise Hay, etc.
How to avoid being trapped by feelings 4
Despite the fact that jealousy brings little positive, many people make many mistakes on the way to get rid of this feeling. In particular, they go to great lengths to fully ensure the loyalty of their loved ones. Some people arrange real detective surveillance for this purpose. Is it worth saying that if the other halves are discovered, nothing good comes out except a scandal? It is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of how to fight jealousy and follow its lead. If you indulge your whims and shortcomings, you are not one step closer to healing.
Another method that should not be tested in practice is to endure. The only thing that is really important for people obsessed with jealousy is to admit that it exists. The opinion that over time it will disappear and you will be able to live happily ever after is wrong. Ignoring the problem will not make it go away, but will only make it worse. Don't try to pretend that everything is fine if in fact you are almost clutching at the knife. Remember that your partner will not know about your feelings if you constantly hide them. Show respect for the person who is next to you and be frank with him.
One of the mistakes that doesn’t seem obvious is to start indulging in all the desires of your other half. It would seem - what's bad here? However, we must not forget that no one is born perfect. This means that if your partner constantly demands some drastic changes from you, then he is not that loving. Striving to become a better person for a loved one is one thing.
But sacrificing your principles, dreams and aspirations just to please someone is another thing. If what you have to do for the sake of so-called love causes others around you to suffer, and first of all you, then this is a sign that you need to have a serious conversation with your chosen one. And perhaps break up.
The last mistake is to constantly look in your new partner's past for anything that will indicate potential betrayal. There are no people who have never made mistakes. And there is a huge possibility that the girl, who in the past could have been unfaithful with others, has now realized the beauty of monogamy, and the guy who constantly changes women was able to fall in love with the only one. Everyone is capable of change, and it is unlikely that you can become a judge for others. Just come to terms with the fact that you cannot correct not only your own, but also someone else’s past.
Jealousy is not a sweet feeling that demonstrates the depth and sincerity of love. This is a real vice that can destroy truly strong relationships. Because of jealousy, people are ready to offend each other, cause severe pain and even take life. Getting rid of pathological jealousy is a necessary step towards a happy life.
It is impossible to constantly live in suspicion and not trust others. This way you can soon go crazy and get a bunch of related illnesses. Therefore, learn to love yourself, open your heart to your soulmate and live in the future, not the past. Then no fears will prevent you from finding true and unconditional love.
Trust each other
Learn to trust each other; serious long-term relationships cannot be built without mutual trust. The walls of family happiness, the foundation of which is based on suspicion, will not stand for long and sooner or later will collapse, crushing under the rubble all the good things that happened between you.
In jurisprudence there is the concept of the presumption of innocence, that is, a person is considered innocent until proven otherwise. It would be nice to apply this rule to relationships between partners.
In other words, make it a rule to discard any rumors, gossip, as well as your suspicions, unless they have solid evidence.
It sounds simple, of course, but not always and not everyone manages to control their temperament. In this case, nothing better than dialogue has yet been invented. Calmly and without strain, tell how you love and appreciate your loved one, openly share your doubts and worries. And in most cases, it turns out that there is simply no reason for jealousy.
Openness as a means of combating jealousy
Trust and openness are two concepts that are closely related to each other. Indeed, without openness there can be no trust, and if there is no trust, then there will be no openness in relationships. If a person is open, then there is no reason for jealousy to appear. With openness and sincerity, the partner shows that he has nothing to hide, he does not hide anything from his other half. And vice versa, if a person hides something, keeps something back, or deceives, jealousy awakens.
Openness is actually not difficult to achieve. Don’t hide your phones, don’t hide passwords from online contacts, talk as openly as possible about your trips or meetings. Of course, it is indecent to rummage through other people's things and get into the phone, even of someone close to you, but as practice shows, when a person is jealous, he will do it anyway. So why bring it to this? If your partner sees that you are open and honest with him, trust will appear and no jealousy will be able to overshadow the years of life together.
Do the opposite
To get rid of jealousy, take actions opposite to those that this feeling prompts. So, if a husband sees that his wife is communicating with a stranger at a party, he should not look angrily and then start a scandal. It is better to approach and politely introduce yourself to this person. It is likely that he will turn out to be just a work colleague whom his wife met by chance and could not just pass by, based on considerations of tact. Only then will it be possible to appreciate the absurdity of the sudden suspicion.
Forget about the past
Often women, and even representatives of the stronger sex, with some kind of paranoid persistence, are jealous of their other half of their former spouses (if this is not the first marriage) or girlfriends (friends) with whom they had intimate intimacy. Any contact, be it SMS, call or personal meeting, is regarded as a confirmed fact of betrayal.
There is a good Russian proverb on this topic: “Whoever remembers the past is out of sight.”
Of course, losing your sight is unnecessary, but we all have certain baggage behind us. After all, it is stupid to assume that an adult did not have a first love or did not try to build relationships with anyone. And it’s also stupid to demand that your partner cross out his entire previous life - it’s simply impossible.
What to do in such a situation? Try to put yourself in your partner's shoes and try to imagine your feelings if you were forbidden to communicate with friends or people you know. Representatives? Here is the answer to the question.
But this does not always work. There is another option - to delicately talk to your significant other and try to convince you to limit communication. But let me make a reservation right away: this is far from the best solution to the problem. It’s better not to torment yourself and your partner with jealousy, but tell yourself that you are together and your loved one chose you.
Tip #1 – Become more confident
According to the results of numerous psychological studies, the main reason for a person’s psycho-emotional dependence on his partner is his lack of self-confidence.
In other words, the jealous woman perceives all women surrounding her partner as her competitors. Sometimes paranoid thoughts come to her mind, even when her beloved man has not given any reason for this.
Psychologist's advice: to feel comfortable while in a relationship, stop comparing yourself to every girl passing by. Even if it seems to you that she is more beautiful or smarter than you, you probably have a number of other advantages that attracted him.
In order to gain self-confidence, you need to fill the gaps in your life.
A few recommendations for organizing your leisure time:
- Take care of your appearance (change your hairstyle, get waxing, manicure).
- Go shopping (first of all, you should start buying clothes and cosmetics in order to give your appearance a new look).
- Meet your friends.
- Increase your level of education (take psychological training, sign up for driving courses, talk to smart people).
- Outline a vector of self-development , think in which direction it is better for you to move (we are talking about professional self-realization).
All these actions will help you, firstly, gain self-confidence, and secondly, take your mind off sad thoughts.
Keep yourself busy
If you just can’t cope with the feeling of jealousy and don’t know how to deal with it, then try to keep yourself busy with something. As sociological surveys have shown, among housewives who are not busy with anything other than housekeeping, the percentage of women susceptible to attacks of jealousy is noticeably higher than among those who are busy with other household chores.
This is explained quite simply. For housewives, their social circle is kept to a minimum and, as a rule, their interests are family and relationships. And this vicious circle can awaken a terrible beast - jealousy. The recipe for the fight in this case is quite simple - you need to occupy yourself with some activity that would go beyond the usual circle of concerns.
This could be reading, walking, going to the gym, making new acquaintances or renewing old ones. In general, everything that will help you break out of the routine of your usual way of life.
What are the true causes of jealousy
Mutual respect and love for a partner presupposes freedom of choice, trust and a friendly attitude, which is completely opposite to unfounded suspicions of infidelity and the search for evidence of possible infidelity. Often the owner of his comfortable happiness cannot cope with depressing thoughts and wants to confirm his suspicions by conducting surveillance and examining his partner’s clothes and personal hygiene items.
As a rule, this uncontrollable phenomenon is based on the following psychological conditions:
- Diffidence;
- The presence of complexes;
- Fear of loss.
Unhealthy jealous people can both depend on a partner and be self-sufficient people. The origins of the distrustful attitude of such individuals lie in distant childhood and are closely related to the rivalry that develops between sisters or brothers. Each of the children wants to be the best for their parents, for which they use manipulation or compete in achievements.
Children who have received enough warmth and love from their parents are not considered jealous, since they do not know loneliness and do not require special efforts in overcoming failures. They are always bold, active and purposeful in their plans, where there is no place for suspicion and unnecessary suffering. Exceptions include overly spoiled children.
With a lack of parental love, the child’s personality is formed with distortions. A person is haunted by the feeling of fighting for his place in the sun due to the uncertainty that he is loved.
Reasons based on the behavior of parents cannot be ruled out:
- In a family where partners cheat on each other, the child, especially in adolescence, develops the idea that he, too, will be deceived. Being jealous, he is afraid of this and tries to prevent the situation;
- If you have too close a relationship with your daughter or son, a strong addiction occurs. Parents perceive the child as part of themselves and limit his freedom of action, which hinders his growth and development. The familiar atmosphere subsequently influences the same close relationship with loved ones, a feeling of loneliness and an irreconcilable attitude towards a different situation arises;
- Restless and constantly controlling parents create a pattern of behavior that violates the personal boundaries of a teenager or adult, which is transferred from generation to generation and forms distrust in others and excessive demands on loved ones;
The most common cause is emotional dependence, which greatly affects self-esteem and provokes other psychological problems. It is important to understand that a person is an individual who needs the right to choose. You cannot live someone else's life and there is no point in controlling others. You need to control yourself.
Consultation with a psychologist
This can be considered a last resort if other methods of dealing with jealousy do not bring positive results. It should be noted that visiting a psychologist is still considered something exotic by most residents of our country. Few people are willing to discuss their family problems with strangers and still pay money (unless this is a free consultation).
Will this method help deal with jealousy? It’s difficult to say, but if we focus on the experience of Western countries, where visits to psychologists and psychotherapists are commonplace, we can assume that this method at least has a right to exist.
Some tips on how to deal with jealousy
- Dialogue is the most faithful assistant in the fight against jealousy. By throwing tantrums and blaming your partner for all mortal sins, you are unlikely to solve the problem, but rather, on the contrary, will only make the situation worse. But a calm heart-to-heart conversation, during which you can voice your suspicions and express your wishes, will only be beneficial. It will also not be superfluous to discuss the norms and rules of behavior in society that will suit both partners and will not cause attacks of jealousy in one of them.
- Give your partner personal space. Every person needs his own “cave” in which he can be alone and relax. Personal space should also include communication with friends, favorite hobbies and interests. You can’t constantly get hung up on each other; you need to learn, at least sometimes, to give freedom to your partner, but not to confuse it with permissiveness.
- Look after yourself. When a couple starts dating, everyone tries to make the best impression, to show only their good side. But over time, most of us are no longer so zealous about our appearance. It seems like they’ve known each other for a long time, and they tied the knot a long time ago, so why all this extra trouble? But the man remembers the image of a beautiful and well-groomed lady with whom he proudly walked through the streets of the city, and the woman was crazy about the caring and gallant gentleman who was always ready for small (or large) madness for her sake. Don't forget about this, otherwise one of the partners will start looking for their memories on the side.
- Don’t provoke each other, don’t play on your partner’s emotions, because he can respond in kind.
- Visit a psychologist. If you feel like everything is getting out of control and nothing is helping, then maybe this will be your last chance to save the relationship.
Improve your relationships
Spend more time with your partner. Find out his wishes. Show him care and trust. Try to solve family problems together. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Add variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!
I'm not going to give detailed instructions on how to improve relationships here. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.
If during your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy; after some time it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have fewer reasons to be jealous.
In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (betrayal), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!
Recently I was thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this happens for the reason that countries with great economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents within the country. This method is to lie, organize surveillance and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.
But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state because it provides its residents with good living conditions and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to “love”. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to acquire joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. This is better than achieving this through bans and surveillance.
