The desire to discuss the topic that I want to touch upon today came somehow completely unexpectedly. Although it has a very real basis: not so long ago, the “great migration” in the form of moving from one big city to another happened in my family. This event took place for family reasons. More precisely, first of all, it was dictated by the desire to help loved ones and relatives (to be closer to my daughter and grandchildren).
I’ll say right away that it was not easy in every sense: physical (due to age), psychological, moral and material. But motivation and purpose (for the sake of which this move was started) in this case helped to overcome difficulties and make a difficult decision: to leave a good apartment, an established life and a measured, quiet life that suited us completely.
What else helped? A certain strategy was developed: moving should not worsen the quality of our life. This was a very important condition for all family members. Apparently, this had some inexplicable magical effect on the events taking place, which in most cases worked out for us in the best way.
In part, this is quite reasonable selfishness. And also, so that later you wouldn’t reproach yourself for altruism (a completely viable point of view) and one day, somehow in your hearts, in a moment of resentment, a completely banal phrase wouldn’t come out of your mouth, like: “we (parents) gave up everything, sacrificed ours.” peace and even health to help you (the children), but you don’t appreciate it.”
And it is likely that the joy of moving, which shortened the kilometers between loved ones, could very quickly turn into mutual grievances, disappointed expectations and disappointment.
Financially, the proposed move without worsening living conditions was unprofitable for us, as it implied large additional expenses. I won’t hide it – there was often a desire to abandon our strategy and buy something worse, to settle down with less comfort.
But the firm conviction that you can help your loved ones morally, physically and financially much more effectively when your life is comfortable and organized (or at least no worse than in your old place), did not allow this to be done.
And yet, having started such a difficult task as moving to another city, you need to be prepared for the upcoming difficulties and understand that not only advantages await us in a new place, but, sometimes, very significant disadvantages.
Such psychological and moral preparation, of course, will not affect the number of problems (sometimes, not even obvious, until the move has started). It is unlikely that there will be fewer of them. But a realistic look at the events taking place, and not through rose-colored glasses, will help you survive them more easily, withstand and not break (based on personal experience, even in the absence of any big shocks and problems, sometimes it was a little difficult and there was a feeling that you you're about to fall apart).
Well, perhaps, there are enough lyrical digressions, it’s time to move on to the essence of the issue. Talk about the difficulties and problems that arose when moving to another city, about your emotions and experiences, about the mistakes that were made, about new experiences, about what was acquired and what is missing in the new place and about much more in relation to my situations.
Causes of stress
All people, even the easiest ones, experience psychological stress when moving. This is due to the fact that a familiar environment gives a feeling of stability and security, while moving almost always is fraught with some uncertainty. In addition, emotional ties bind him to the place where a person has lived for some time. You always have to give up some things, leave them in your old apartment forever or pass them on to other people. This is often perceived as a symbolic rejection of part of the past and is experienced painfully.
Moving can be a logical part of a new stage of life: the first own, even rented, home for grown children; wedding; birth of a child; improvement of material well-being; changing cities as part of career growth. Sometimes this is a conscious step with the goal of radical changes in fate. Nowadays it is very popular for city residents to move to the countryside, away from civilization. In this case, changes are almost always known in advance, and there is time to prepare for them.
At the same time, when moving becomes a kind of boundary between two stages of life, stress is caused not so much by the fact of changing place of residence, but by the realization that a person is entering a new phase. The move serves as a unique and most significant symbol of these changes.
If the reasons for moving are related to negative events - divorce, worsening financial situation, the need to move to a sick relative to care for him - stress usually increases many times over. Often such moves are urgent, and preparation for them is chaotic. In this case, they become evidence of the instability of life and further increase anxiety and fear of the future.
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When you're in a new place, you'll need someone to teach you behaviors that will help you fit in faster. In addition, if you can find such a person, or group of people, this is also a great opportunity to make first acquaintances, since most people like to look after someone, so you may get a lot of useful information and good friends. You can find such people at work, or among your friends who may live somewhere nearby.
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How to prepare for moving
Preparing for a move includes two aspects: psychological and organizational. The first implies the right attitude, not only for upcoming changes, but also for the technical nuances of preparation. Packing things, loading them into the car and settling into a new place inevitably causes turmoil, confusion and can end in irritation and quarrels. And if it is not always possible to avoid anxiety about the future, then it is quite possible to prevent stress from getting ready. To do this, you should adhere to several rules:
- Decide in advance on the things you need to take to your new home, plan how and what to pack them in, in what order.
- To avoid having to look for things for a long time in a new place, all boxes need to be signed and numbered. In a new place, no matter how great the temptation to put off unpacking unimportant things until “later,” it is better to do it as soon as possible. An attitude will be formed towards the new house as a permanent home, and not a temporary abode.
- One or two days before moving and a couple of days after should be completely devoted to this process. You also need to be prepared for the fact that even with the most careful preparation, force majeure may occur. It’s good if this doesn’t happen, but such an attitude will help you deal with emergency situations more easily, not get upset about them and not look for gloomy omens in everything.
If you follow these recommendations, moving will be much easier emotionally. The right attitude will help you remove negative aspects. In your imagination you need to draw a positive image of the future in a new place. This is easy to do if the reasons for moving are related to pleasant changes in life. It is more difficult to remain optimistic if the change of residence was forced. In this case, experts recommend realizing the need for this step and taking it. Yes, these are not the changes that were desired, and they will cause inconvenience or pain. But moving is a new page in our lives, an opportunity to look at ourselves in a new way and change something.
Before moving, you should decide on the things you plan to take with you.
A grateful farewell to the past will also help: mentally say thank you to your former home for the pleasant moments associated with it. Usually after this comes a feeling of completion and lightness, with which it is easier to meet new things, no matter how frightening they may be. You can make farewell more tangible - have a party with friends or a farewell tea party.
In the same way, in a new place it makes sense to perform some kind of ritual. It doesn’t matter what it will be - the traditional letting a cat into the apartment, the first tea party or something else. The main thing is that there is internal acceptance of the new place.
Remember the meaning of life
The goal of moving to another country is large-scale, it structures your life around it, sometimes for years. Thanks to this goal, it is always clear why you get up in the morning, where to go and what to do next.
But when you have already moved, the meaning of life can get lost. And without it, you risk apathy or even depression.
To prevent this from happening, it’s time to stop, congratulate yourself on a completed mission, pay attention to what is happening to you right now, look back at the path that you have already traveled, draw conclusions - and choose a new direction and a new goal.
First of all, you need to see your life from the outside: what bothers you, doesn’t suit you, or takes away your strength? If you can't do this in your imagination, your thoughts are confused and going in circles - try setting a timer for 20 minutes and writing down on paper everything that comes to your mind. This technique is called freewriting. Once you notice what is eating up your energy, you can apply the same technique and decide how to remove unnecessary things from your life. Try making a habit of writing this way every day, or choose other writing practices that help you stay in touch with yourself and stay mindful.
Having eliminated the holes through which strength was leaking, you need to create a new meaning that will guide your life now (you can use our review “What philosophy suggests looking for the meaning of life” or the instruction “Four ways to collect your answer to the question about the meaning of life”).
You can go through this entire path with a psychologist. A specialist will help you choose the tools that are needed specifically in your case.
If the idea of finding a new goal doesn't excite you at all, check yourself for symptoms that may indicate depression:
- You feel like you have no strength, everything seems difficult, you get tired faster than usual, and you don’t want to get out of bed.
- Favorite food, movies, hobbies, communication with loved ones do not captivate you, do not change your state and do not bring pleasure.
- The mood is “nothing” or gloomy, joyless thoughts are spinning in your head, it seems that it has always been like this and will always be like this.
Depression is like a spiral staircase in a dungeon: the longer you ignore the problem, the more difficult the path to the top. Mild cases of depression caused by external circumstances can be corrected with 5-10 meetings with a psychotherapist and changes in work and rest patterns. But if this condition is neglected, it can go into the clinical stage, which needs to be treated by a psychiatrist. You will have to take pills, tune in to long-term therapy and learn to think differently: this is more difficult and sometimes takes several years.
If you notice any of the listed symptoms in yourself, please do not delay - contact a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Whether it is a ladybug, a person, a company or a society, the laws of growth and development remain the same: crises are needed to discard outdated elements, develop new strategies and become stronger.
In a situation of danger, an animal has only three reactions available: fight, run or freeze in place. If the animal assumes that it can cope with the situation, it mobilizes its vital forces and, emerging victorious, receives its reward in the form of serotonin. Individuals who receive more serotonin enter an “upward spiral”: they win more, leave more offspring, eat better food and live in more favorable territories.
In emigration, the same process of survival occurs: in order to receive the reward of a comfortable life, you first need to fight. If a person feels like they are not coping, their brain reacts with fear, which causes anxiety or depressive episodes.
Stress from moving in a child
Children, unlike parents, generally do not influence the family’s decision to move; they are simply presented with a fait accompli. For both children and teenagers, such changes in their lives can cause anxiety and protest, especially if their social circle changes dramatically with the move. Joining a new team is not easy even for adults, but they have more experience and more stable self-esteem. When moving to another city, connections with old friends are cut off, contacts have to be established from scratch, the teenager has to re-gain authority among his peers, and get used to a new school. One way to reduce stress is to talk to your child about upcoming changes in a positive way, reminding him of previous successful experiences in similar situations.
Why do people start thinking about moving?
As a rule, people think about moving because they are not happy with something in their lives where they live. This is most often the environment, dirt in the city, cold, lack of sun, troubles of the city, etc.
And of course, enduring all this, the following questions arise in the minds of many: “Is this really what we live for?” or “Don’t we deserve a better life?” You deserve it, that’s for sure, and only you can give it to yourself.
Worth a try
Moving with animals
Moving can also be stressful for animals. In a sense, they have the worst time of all, because they cannot prepare for it in advance and understand what is happening. It is better to protect the animal from the turmoil associated with taking things out, and give it to friends or paid foster care on this day - this will be less stressful for the pet. In a new place, pets need to be given time to explore the situation. For dogs, you can hide your favorite treats in different places around the house. During the first time in a new place, the owners must be sure to monitor their pet and prevent its attempts to return to the old house - do not let the dogs off the leash during walks and do not allow the animals to run out of the apartment.
There are no universal recipes for how to survive a move painlessly. But a positive attitude and a willingness to accept changes in life not as an ordeal, but as new opportunities and new experiences, will help to significantly reduce anxiety and worries. And proper organization of the process will help to avoid unnecessary nervousness and make moving and settling into a new place as quick as possible.
Moving to another apartment: aspects of the subconscious
Convincing your conscious part of the advisability of moving is wonderful, but rationalism is not always able to overcome deep-seated fears. At the same time, it is the subconscious that often plays a decisive role in shaping our decisions.
So, the conclusion about the usefulness of the move has been made, but there are still internal resistances. Positive attitudes will help suppress them. For example, you should watch films about changing places of residence, read similar books, search the Internet for examples from real life - there can be many options, the main thing is that they have a happy ending. Using self-control mechanisms, try not to allow doubts; you should always remember the materiality of some thoughts.
There is no universal procedure for eliminating fears before moving. However, understanding the reasons for changing residence and the benefits derived from it often significantly simplifies the perception of the situation.
