All psychologists are confident that jealousy is not one of the manifestations of love. All signs of love are positive feelings such as respect, caring and trust. And jealousy is a destructive, destructive feeling that can ruin even the most harmonious and stable marriage.
Jealousy is born from the desire to completely possess another person, the fear of losing him, doubts about his own attractiveness and his devotion. There is not a single positive emotion in this entire bouquet. Yes, sometimes jealousy is quite expected and even normal if it occurs rarely and has sufficient grounds. But if jealousy arises out of nowhere, then its roots most likely lie in distant childhood.
Jealousy is often characteristic of those who felt deprived of love in childhood, or whose parents were rarely at home and paid little attention. Perhaps the child felt competitive with other children. Such a person, growing up, feels that he is not good enough for a strong relationship, is afraid of losing them and expects betrayal.
Why is it impossible not to be jealous?
It is impossible to learn under any circumstances not to be jealous of a loved one. Why? This is inherent at the level of instincts - a sense of possessiveness inherent in everyone. You can only not be jealous of someone who is unloved.
As long as jealousy is within acceptable limits, it does not become chronic and pathological - it is a normal human feeling that can strengthen relationships.
What is the essence of jealousy - what does it mean? That they are afraid of losing you. What does its complete absence mean? Possible indifference.
Jealousy kills love
Jealousy is a painful doubt about someone's loyalty and love. This is one of the most destructive feelings. It destroys families, kills love, and causes severe illness. I have to deal with people suffering from jealousy almost every day.
A man came to the appointment with severe headaches that appeared after a concussion. As soon as he entered the office, I immediately understood what the reason was; I had to turn to his subconscious. When you work with people for a long time, you quickly begin to intuitively notice the main traits of their character.
And the reason is banal - jealousy of his wife. There was no evidence of her betrayal, but there were suspicions and doubts. The consequences of jealousy are concussions and headaches. After all, jealousy first of all “hits” you on the head, since it is based on hatred. After working on myself, the pain disappeared and my relationship with my wife improved.
Parental jealousy can lead to serious illnesses in children.
Recently a family with a small child came to an appointment. The child has recently had epileptic seizures. The reason is still the same - jealousy. The fact is that the child’s father is already over 50, and the mother recently turned 30 years old. He was jealous of her at the slightest reason and without reason. In addition to jealousy, there were other manifestations of high subconscious aggression. All this affected the child, and his level of subconscious aggression is much higher than that of his parents. In this case, the disease is a signal to parents to change their behavior and worldview.
Jealousy not only destroys relationships, but it can be an obstacle to establishing them.
One man, who recently turned 40, cannot start a family. There aren’t even just long-term relationships with women—they meet for a little while and then they run away. His parents worry about him and condemn him because he has no family. Mother went to various fortune tellers and psychics. They say that he was jinxed, that he was “done”, that a wall separates him from the women. They say, women, they call him, they pull him towards them, but he doesn’t seem to hear or see them.
But the reason is in himself. And this reason is jealousy. Jealousy is this wall. Moreover, she is so strong that his subconscious does not allow him to have stable relationships with women. Because as soon as his relationship with a woman becomes stable or legal, the self-destruction program will begin. That is why his subconscious creates all sorts of obstacles, saving his life.
Jealousy is a complex feeling consisting of several: anger, anger, hatred, resentment, doubt, self-pity and insecurity, contempt. Each of these feelings bears fruit.
A jealous person experiences hatred towards his sexual partner, his rival and himself. Thus, he forms a classic love triangle! If you have even a drop of jealousy, wait, the triangle will come soon. You yourself will create it with your jealousy. People create problems for themselves and then blame others for it.
Jealousy, like any other feeling, has its own positive intentions:
| Behavior | Positive intention |
| Jealousy | The desire to have a strong, chaste, reliable relationship with a loved one. Show your love and be confident in your partner’s love (there is an expression: “Being jealous means loving”) |
The intentions are truly wonderful. Everyone wants to love and be loved, to be calm about their relationship with their loved one. But it’s high time to understand that jealousy has never made a relationship stronger. On the contrary, it kills love. Hate and love are incompatible.
How is jealousy born and how to get rid of it?
First. Jealousy is a sign that you are hooked on the relationship as a consequence, you are afraid of losing someone you care about. But you cannot treat a loved one as your property. Nothing in this world belongs to us, not even our own lives.
A loved one should not be the goal of your entire life. This is not a goal - it is a means to express your feelings. Remove it from the “pedestal” and place it next to you.
Let go of feelings of possessiveness and fear of abandonment. Change your attitude towards your loved ones. They don't belong to you. Each of them has their own world and their own life. Each person is initially alone in this world, and at the same time, the whole world belongs to each of us. The Universe is giving you the opportunity, a gift of sorts, to live with these people. Accept this gift with gratitude and treat it with care. Strengthen relationships by working on yourself and not by aggression and hatred aimed at imaginary or real rivals. Respect the individuality of your loved one! And remember! It is impossible to lose what does not belong to us.
Second. You already know the law - like attracts like. If you cast sidelong glances at others or have sexual attraction to others, then your loved one already subconsciously knows about this, only until he realizes it. And soon he may show the same behavior. Therefore, before you get jealous, worry about the purity of your own thoughts.
Third. Jealousy is also a sign that you are not confident in yourself as a man/woman. You consider yourself to be bad/bad or not good/good enough in some way.
For example, if a woman has an inferiority complex, then she already gives a man a reason to look for what is missing in other women. Or a man who considers himself not masculine enough literally forces the woman he loves to look for someone “on the side.”
Change your attitude. Start loving, appreciating and respecting yourself. If you doubt the love for you, then start showing love for yourself - and then you will get the same thing for your loved one. You are beautiful and deserve the best in this world, including living with your loved one and having a strong relationship with him.
Therefore, accept and love yourself as/as you are/as you are.
Fourth. Learn to trust. Trusting a loved one is the highest manifestation of love.
The fifth is no less important. Love can be expressed in many ways, but you should not resort to jealousy. Otherwise, there will be nothing left of your love. Jealousy is a very bad way to express your feelings.
Valery Sinelnikov “Love your illness”
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Is jealousy a sign of love?
We must understand that jealousy itself is not a sign of love.
In most cases, this feeling is not generated by devotion, but by inflated pride and a painful fear of loneliness. Severe jealousy can destroy even long-term relationships.
The border of the unacceptable is crossed at the moment when the partner ceases to be perceived as a separate and free person, and becomes just a “toy” that must live according to clearly established rules. After this, any deviation in behavior begins to be perceived as a personal insult, betrayal, which leads to serious conflicts.
The difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy
A healthy relationship is characterized by dialogue and agreement. For example, if one partner reports incipient suspicions, the other dispels them and behaves in such a way as to no longer upset the loved one. The incident ends here, and jealousy disappears. But the jealous person’s problem is not in his partner’s behavior, but in his own complexes about this.
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So, if at the beginning of a relationship, a man asks a girl to call him after she gets home, then this is perceived as concern and is completely approved. But if he then begins to interrogate why she called half an hour later, where and with whom she was, decides how the girl should dress, with whom to communicate and what to talk about, then this is a sign of a very unhealthy, dependent relationship. Pathological jealousy is characterized by the absence of real reasons for its occurrence. The jealousy of such a partner will only increase, discontent and aggression will progress, and this will not lead to anything good.
Pathological jealousy
It is possible and necessary to fight painful jealousy. How else to preserve and build long-term harmonious relationships? A sign of pathology can be the emergence of this destructive feeling without any objective reasons - obvious flirting or lies on the part of the partner.
By collecting statistics on jealous people, psychologists found that they have a strategy for building dependent relationships and low self-esteem. Such people lack confidence in their appearance and self-sufficiency on other fronts. Most of them are morbidly suspicious; their trust cannot be earned in any way. In addition, by “love” such people understand the suffering they feel in relation to another person, which is quite rarely based on a real constructive feeling of love.
“There is coarse jealousy - when you don’t trust the one you love; there is subtle jealousy - when you don’t trust yourself.” Quote from Filippo Pananti
Jealousy can tear you apart
When we are jealous of our partner, we become selfish and possessive. We want to tie our other half more tightly to ourselves. It is important for us to be sure that we will not be abandoned. But this behavior can have the opposite effect. Any relationship presupposes freedom, which is based on trust. Without trust, we become hostage to our own jealousy. Excessive jealousy can drive your partner away, especially if you are jealous for no reason.
READ ALSO: What is demisexuality and who are demisexuals?
What are jealous people afraid of?
The main reason why jealous people are afraid of their partner’s betrayal is possible loneliness and the need to look for a “soul mate” again. They are always emotionally dependent on their loved one; it seems to them that their partner never loved them or has stopped loving them and is preparing to leave.
Jealous people tend to create hysterical scandals and threaten their lives if their loved one leaves. The essence of jealousy in such behavior lies in low self-esteem, because of which jealous people do not believe in their own strengths, in the fact that they will be needed by someone else, someone better.
It happens that excessive pride and fear of the collapse of their own image make people feel jealous even towards someone who was not needed in the first place. This type of jealous person believes that cheating on their partner will undermine their authority in the eyes of others and make them appear sexually unattractive. In this case, we are not talking about love.
What to do if jealousy appears in a relationship?
The most important thing is not to compare yourself with other people. You still won't be able to compete with his mom, ex-lovers or friends. The only thing that matters is what is happening between you now. You both chose each other and are together only because it suits both of you. And if there are serious grounds for suspicion, then you should not remain silent - talk to your partner. You shouldn't wait for your partner to guess about your torment. At the same time, it is important not to resort to accusations, not to make trouble, but to try to respect boundaries. And if heart-to-heart conversations are not able to solve the problem, then you should seek professional help before it is too late.
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How to get rid of jealousy?
Since jealousy has deep psychological roots and often the reasons that cause it are not even realized or analyzed by a person, it can be quite difficult to stop being jealous. This requires deep work on your personality, and, above all, awareness of the reasons why you experience this emotion.
By the way, jealous people subconsciously choose partners whose personal qualities tend to provoke them to this feeling. This can be observed if your relationships with different partners are always built according to the same pattern: all your lovers are cheating on you or trying to do so, flirting and making advances towards others, or so it seems to you.
You may ask yourself questions: why am I jealous? What do I get when I experience this feeling? Do I really not want to be jealous?
A jealous person does not realize that by being jealous, he receives so-called negative pleasure and secondary benefits - pity, attention (even in this way), sympathy, confirmation that he is good, and his or her partner, of whom he is jealous, is bad and etc.
Therefore, consciously he may want to get rid of this feeling, but subconsciously he will do everything to experience it again and again.
The situation is even more complicated when jealousy is part of a culture or subculture or traditional worldview (Oriental, patriarchal families). Here you will need to rise above the worldview and traditions of your immediate environment and even national culture.
However, the opportunity to enjoy love and harmonious relationships, from self-love, in our opinion, is worth all the efforts that will need to be made to defeat this destructive emotion.
Of course, all people experience it to one degree or another. However, if these are random episodes in your life that do not poison it and you are in agreement with your loved one, then perhaps these episodes should be erased from your memory.
If jealousy, the description of which you read in this article, firmly accompanies you throughout your life, then, of course, you should think about it, and perhaps still decide to change your life for the better, getting rid of this negative feeling.
Jealousy - what is it?
Various authors offer different interpretations of the concept of what jealousy is. Most of them recognize that this is a complex, complex, negatively colored feeling of fear of losing the attention and love of a loved one, which can easily (according to the jealous person) go to another real person or an imaginary collective image. That is, to be jealous is to worry and suffer from the fact that a partner shows signs of attention, love and care for others or theoretically can express them.
Why jealousy ruins relationships
In recent years, a new profession has been born - the so-called “fidelity testers.” A woman who suspects her partner of infidelity can hire an attractive “tester”, where her role is to attempt to seduce said man.
If he succumbs to the temptation of flirting, decides to meet a seductress and assures her that he is not married, the customer will immediately find out about everything.
Such radical tactics of testing a partner are sometimes used during divorce proceedings. The received evidence of infidelity becomes a pass to obtain useful things for oneself, for example, when dividing property.
Increasingly, however, such methods are used not only in cases of divorce. But also in a seemingly successful, happy relationship.
Jealousy destroys relationships and this applies to a large number of couples. Excessive suspicion affects both women and men. One of the reasons for this phenomenon may be, characteristic especially of modern residents of large cities, the obsession with constant control over the environment.
Perfectionism, the desire to succeed, forces us to know everything, plan carefully, and influence every event. We strive for complete control over the environment! Over professional success, finances, over your children, your partner. By the way, and even over your own emotions. Control gives the illusion of a sense of security.
People who experience intense jealousy in their relationships tend to steal their partner's attention and isolate them from the environment, and even go so far as to check personal belongings or snoop. They experience constant fear and anxiety.
This fear can be a lack of a sense of security and stability, a feeling of constant threat. Often this concerns adult children from alcoholic families, destroyed, in which there is violence.
From a young age, these people overcome painful losses, lies and betrayal from important people, family members. Intense jealousy is also usually associated with low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in one's own worth and attractiveness.
Types of jealousy
Psychologists distinguish subtypes of jealous feelings in different ways. So some are sure that it happens:
- Preventive jealousy
. It is experienced by psychological tyrants who try to prevent any possible situations in which a partner could theoretically change, up to and including a ban on leaving the house. - Reactive
, which is a natural reaction to the fact of betrayal that has occurred. - Retroactive or retrospective jealousy
, when suspicions and experiences relate not to the present or future, but to the partner’s past. A jealous person worries about the former relationships and sexual relations of his loved one. - Anxious or neurotic
, when a person experiences anxiety or stress from the mere thought that the chosen one can find another person. The only difference from preventive jealousy is that such anxious jealousy differs only in the absence of any actions to prevent possible betrayal; it lies only in the experiences of the jealous person.
Concept of healthy jealousy
But there is, if you can call it that, healthy jealousy, because its complete absence can indicate indifference. Healthy jealousy is attention to your soulmate, but without paranoid suspicions and total control. It may and should appear if a partner flirts with others, shows signs of attention that go beyond friendly communication, or deceives you.
It is clear that in this case there must be some kind of reaction to the partner’s actions. The main thing here is not to go to extremes and not build theories of a universal conspiracy, but to carefully try to find out the reasons and draw the right conclusions. It may well be that all your suspicions are unfounded, and you will only exhaust yourself in vain. Or maybe your partner deliberately provokes you, thus trying to change something in your life together?
Whatever the reasons for such behavior, a feeling of jealousy in such situations has a right to exist and any person who cares about his relationship will react. In this sense, jealousy is good.
Openness as a means of combating jealousy
Trust and openness are two concepts that are closely related to each other. Indeed, without openness there can be no trust, and if there is no trust, then there will be no openness in relationships. If a person is open, then there is no reason for jealousy to appear. With openness and sincerity, the partner shows that he has nothing to hide, he does not hide anything from his other half. And vice versa, if a person hides something, keeps something back, or deceives, jealousy awakens.
Openness is actually not difficult to achieve. Don’t hide your phones, don’t hide passwords from online contacts, talk as openly as possible about your trips or meetings. Of course, it is indecent to rummage through other people's things and get into the phone, even of someone close to you, but as practice shows, when a person is jealous, he will do it anyway. So why bring it to this? If your partner sees that you are open and honest with him, trust will appear and no jealousy will be able to overshadow the years of life together.
How to recognize jealousy
Jealous people ruin the lives of not only themselves and their partners, but also those around them. After all, someone should listen to their thoughts and speculations regarding relationships. Of course, jealousy is a kind of seasoning for relationships, but only as long as it is reasonable. Otherwise, it is better for such a person to seek help from specialists before it is too late.
But how can you recognize a jealous person next to you in order to help the person, and maybe even yourself, in time? To do this, it would be a good idea to familiarize yourself with what signs of jealousy exist.
How to make a man jealous?
Some ladies, on their own or on the advice of their friends, believe that a man’s jealousy can serve as proof of his feelings and a way to “warm up” the relationship. Psychologists are skeptical about this judgment and believe that artificially induced jealousy cannot strengthen the union, but will only introduce new problems into it. The ladies continue to contrive and come up with:
- “Casual” meeting situations when talking or flirting with other men.
- They often buy flowers for themselves, write explicit messages, or deliberately stay late from work.
- They are trying to win the sympathy of another man in order to force him to actively and demonstratively take care of himself and so on.
How is jealousy different from possessiveness?
Jealousy and possessiveness can be considered very similar and sometimes related concepts, however, there is still a difference between them:
- The embodiment of jealousy is fear and resentment caused by a real or perceived lack of attention and love on the part of a partner. A person thinks that an individual close to him in relation to another person acts as the jealous person would like. Then jealousy arises towards the loved one, and envy and anger towards the supposed rival.
- The feeling of possessiveness is a clear manifestation of egocentrism, in which a person is comfortable owning certain goods and attention, and he does not want to share them with anyone, considering them only his property.
