I can't raise my hand even on steam. What if everyone else thinks my question is stupid? I can't wear my favorite bright green shirt. What if people around you say that this is no longer fashionable? No, I can’t write something like that under the photo, in case people think the wrong thing. This “reference” to someone else’s opinion makes life very difficult. You constantly think not about how to make yourself feel good, but how to make yourself look good in the eyes of people.
And dependence on other people’s opinions is a problem that begins in childhood. When parents don’t really ask the child’s opinion in various situations. And then they are very surprised that in adolescence their child begins to show character and openly talk about his desires.
This dependence can manifest itself very clearly when a person is afraid to take a step to the left, a step to the right in his own way, or is afraid of being judged by others. Not only people who are dear to him, but also those whom he simply meets on the street. And there is such a partial manifestation, when you are sure that you have already decided everything, but this obsessive “It’s definitely worth it, otherwise they will misunderstand me?” is still spinning in your head. And even the most confident people sometimes have such thoughts.
And what to do with it? Psychologists advise working on yourself with simple exercises.
Don't be afraid of your thoughts, you are an individual
Analyze the last two weeks of your life. Ask yourself: “How many times have I agreed with another person blindly, without paying attention to my own opinion?” Why did you do this? Then you should ask yourself the following question: “What do I really want to achieve in this life, what are my goals and objectives?” Become aware of what you are striving for. After all, a person without goals and desires easily submits to someone else’s, “authoritative”, as it seems to him, opinion. Understand that you are an individual, an individual has his own thoughts.
That's how it goes
Narcissists believe that everyone loves them. Anxious people believe that everyone is judging them. But both of them are wrong. In fact, one individual person does not mean that much to humanity.
Therefore, you should not be distracted by the opinions of others. The right to life is given only once, and you decide for yourself what it will be like.
You can live the way you want, or the way other people say. In any case, this will not change anything - there will still be those for whom “something is wrong.”
So should you worry about what other people think? No. This is your life and you should live it the way you want.
Should you worry about what people close to you think of you? May be. If they support you, if they sincerely want to help you become a better person, if their comments can make you and your life better, then yes, their opinion is worth considering.
You see what the paradox is here. On the one hand, we are surrounded by people who form their opinion about a person without even knowing him. On the other hand, we are a social species and we need to communicate with others, so we really care what others think.
Therefore, when you hear an opinion about yourself, first figure out how important it is to you. Most people's opinions don't matter. The opinions of people who truly love you and want you to live your best life are very important.
More communication with different people
Communicate more. The more acquaintances and friends you have, the easier it will be to have different points of view. You will see how people talk, how they behave with each other, you will hear how they defend their opinions. And you will understand that this is not always condemned. You can speak out and not be misunderstood. You can convey your thoughts in such a way that you will be respected for them. You can also read news, for example, from different sources. You can often find completely different presentations of the same thing.
Dependence on other people's opinions is not a simple problem. Can't decide once or twice. And probably the most effective way to somehow solve it is to feel like an individual. Realize that you have your own opinion and it is not wrong. As for some kind of crowded activities, sometimes it’s really worth abstracting yourself from a crowd that you don’t know. I myself am terribly shy sometimes, it seems to me that everyone is looking at me. And then after 5 minutes I don’t see these people around me. And they don't see me. And they won't remember. We, too, sometimes see some stupid scene on the street, we can even “judgment” to ourselves, but now we won’t even remember this situation. So don't think too much about the opinions of others. They don't think much about you.
Anna SEMILETOVA
Student, addiction, people, communication, Yekaterinburg, personality, opinion, problem, psychology
Click after reading:
If you write your opinion, we will know it:
What will people think of me if I...
What will people think of me if I...
How often are you stopped by the question: “What will people think of me,” for example, at the moment when you want to make some important decision or achieve another goal in your life? Some “don’t give a damn” about everything and everyone, they do as their heart tells them, and they do it right!
But the majority listens to the opinions of surrounding relatives, friends, and neighbors who, in their opinion, know more and can give practical advice. But, of course, this is not so!
What will people think of me if I...
Many are afraid of people's rumors, afraid of looking bad in the eyes of others, which prevents them from boldly “moving” forward. Moreover, this pattern is observed mainly in small towns or villages, which cannot be said about large populated areas.
Topics for discussion appear on their own, out of nowhere: someone leaves to work and due to current circumstances returns back, someone dressed wrong, looked wrong, and so on, they will discuss everything and give out a million unnecessary advice. Sometimes this is considered normal, you just need to learn to react to people’s rumors, move on, not paying absolutely any attention to anyone, then you will gradually develop immunity to such statements.
You can give an example. To learn how to achieve something you have never achieved, you need to do something you have never done. After this, you will realize that there is still a lot you don’t know about yourself. And, rest assured, you won’t like much of what is recognizable at all. But it normal.
You can listen to some advice, depending on who says it, what experience this person has in a similar situation. But you should be wary of deceitful people who, out of flattery, will never give practical advice.
When you're just starting to work somewhere, you don't need to take harsh criticism to heart. If you work on the Internet, then do not read unnecessary, distracting information, one day a moment will come when you begin to treat all this calmly, then you will read everything...
The main thing is to understand that what you do, how you dress, who you communicate with, your family and work are all yours, and how to manage all this is your personal business. The only exception is that there is no need to harm others.
You can mentally imagine that you have filters for various rumors and unpleasant information. And then, are you obliged to correct your life just because it seems wrong to someone? Of course not! No matter what you do, there will still be several opinions. Someone will still decide that you are wrong. Live and sincerely enjoy life, not paying attention to anyone or anything!
You can read the article “Why do you need someone else’s opinion?” — there’s an example about a blue vacuum cleaner.
Good luck in everything! What will people think of me if I... What will people think of me if I...
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Tip #6. Analyze your personality
To improve your life and remove dependence on other people’s opinions from it, you need to analyze your own personality. This analysis must be conscious, adequate and objective. Under no circumstances do you carry out an analysis just to punish yourself once again and prove to yourself that you are an insignificant and worthless gray mouse.
Take the position of an outside observer and try to “catch” those obsessive feelings and thoughts that you fall victim to again and again. Pull these thoughts and feelings out of your subconscious and break them down into atoms until they no longer negatively affect you and turn your daily existence into sheer torture!
From early childhood, adults convinced us that good boys and girls should not be angry, angry, irritated or anxious, because some strange aunt or some equally strange uncle might not like it. To prevent these strange adults from being offended by us and thinking badly of us, we must constantly smile and do everything possible to please the people around us.
Comfortable, pliable (plasticine is a stone compared to them!) and dependent on the opinions of others, boys and girls grew up and became adult men and women who still believe that only terrible, disgusting, spoiled people can experience negative feelings and emotions and monsters undeserving of love and respect. And although many people understand that children's attitudes have nothing to do with the reality around them, they continue to believe that public opinion significantly influences their own lives.
But will the Sun stop shining if your lifestyle does not evoke any positive emotions in your neighbor? Will humanity cease to exist if you do what you want, and not your friend? Someone else's opinion is just another person's opinion. Do you have anything to do with this opinion? No way!
Quote for inspiration from Neil Donald Walsh:
Everyone today has their own opinion, even if they are not asked about it...
Someone else's opinion is correct when the person sincerely wants to help you. Does this setting resonate with you? Then review the following statuses about opinion.
- Changing your point of view regarding something is wisdom. But to stubbornly resist is stupid.
- If you have your own opinion, it's not so good. Many people will not like you.
- If you like personal opinion more than public opinion, then what are the problems?
- I don't like overly smart people. I love simple and active people who do not boast of their wonderful opinions.
- You cannot forget about a person as long as his views are close to you. Alas.
- It is not advisable to demonstrate your opinion to someone who cannot even properly hear it.
- You can get the opinions of many people, but remember that they take time.
- Don't be too brash about showing me your opinion. There is a possibility that I will crush him.
- The opinion I completely share is my own...
- It's simple. You just give me your opinion and I just punch you in the face. Just.
- I will never change my mind. Maybe I suffer from this, but what do you care...
- I stand by my opinion. Whatever one may say, this makes me a unique person.
- I often don't care. People often accuse me of this. But how nice it is to just smear their opinion on the wall.
- You’re trying to change my opinion here, but I have little idea who you even are...
- I'm not always good, maybe even bad in some places. But this is just your opinion.
- If your criticism is limited to references to spelling, I have nothing to talk to you about.
- You need to behave with dignity in any situation. This is my opinion and it is inviolable.
- My life is clearly not designed to pay attention to your opinion.
- I hate it when someone tells me how I should treat a person. Me too, “Lords of God.”
- I'm madly in love with my girlfriend. And I absolutely don’t care who thinks what!
- If anyone can decide whether your opinion should change, it's you.
How to find and tame your inner mammoth
Some people are born with an intelligent tame mammoth, or their upbringing helps keep the mammoth in line. Others never try to tame their mammoth until their death and spend their entire lives following its whims. Most of us are somewhere in the middle: in some life situations we control our mammoth, in others it harms us.
If you are controlled by a mammoth, this does not mean that you are a bad or weak person. You just haven't learned how to control it yet. You may not even know about the existence of a mammoth and that your true Self is huddled in a corner and silent.
Whatever your situation, you must keep the mammoth under control. Here are three steps to help you do this.
Step 1: Check yourself
The first step is to take an honest and fair assessment of what's going on in your head. Here are the three parts of this step.
Get to know your authentic voice
image from the Wait But Why website
It seems simple, but in fact it is very difficult. It takes serious effort to wade through the web of other people's thoughts and opinions and understand your “real self.”
You spend time with a lot of people, which of them do you really like? How do you spend your free time and do you really enjoy all the parts of it?
Are there things you regularly spend money on but don't feel any pleasure from? How do you feel about your work and social status? What are your political beliefs?
Have you thought about this at all? Do you pretend to care about certain things just to have an opinion? Maybe you have your own opinion about some political and moral issues that you have never voiced because people you know will be outraged?
These are common questions for soul searching or self-discovery, but it really needs to be done. Maybe you can think about this right now, wherever you are, or maybe you need a special atmosphere: move away, be alone with yourself and only then plunge into reflection.
Either way, you need to figure out what really matters to you and start being proud of your authentic voice, your “real self.”
Find out where the mammoth is hiding
image from Wait But Why
Most of the time, when a mammoth is under control, the person does not even realize it. But you can't succeed unless you know exactly where the biggest problems are.
The most obvious way to discover the mammoth is to find out where your fears nest, in which area shame and embarrassment most often arise. When you think about any area of life, you are overcome with a terrible feeling, a feeling of failure, and this failure seems like a nightmare. What is this sphere?
You are afraid to start something, even if you know you are good at it. What areas of your life definitely need changes, but you avoid changes in them and do nothing?
The second place where the mammoth hides is in the overly good feelings that arise when you agree with other people. Are you a true people pleaser at work and in your personal life? Are you afraid of the possibility of disagreeing with your parents? Between their pride in you and the opportunity to please yourself, do you choose the former?
The third area where the mammoth hides is when you cannot make decisions without the approval of other people. Or you can, but you feel very uncomfortable. Which of your opinions and beliefs are yours and not other people's? Do you hold these opinions because others say so?
If you introduce your new boyfriend/girlfriend to your family and friends and no one likes your crush, can their attitude change your feelings? Is there a person in your life who controls you like a puppet? If so, who is he and why are you allowing this?
Decide where it's time to take control of the mammoth
image from the website Wait But Why
It’s impossible to completely get the mammoth out of our heads, after all, we are human. But what really needs to be done is to rid some areas of life from its influence that simply must be under the control of your true Self.
These are obvious areas such as choosing a partner, career, and how to raise children. The remaining areas are individual and are determined through a simple question: “In what areas of life should I be completely honest with myself?”
Step 2: Be brave, the mammoth has a low IQ
True woolly mammoths were stupid enough to go extinct, and the survival of social mammoths is no better. Even though they are chasing us, mammoths are stupid, primitive creatures who do not understand the modern world.
Feel and realize this deeply. This is the key to subduing your mammoth. There are two good reasons not to take your mammoth seriously.
The mammoth's fears are irrational
The mammoth has five global errors.
→ Everyone is talking about me and my life, and just think what they will all say if I do this risky or strange thing!
This is how a mammoth thinks:
image from Wait But Why website
And here's what it actually looks like:
image from Wait But Why website
No one cares about how you live and what you do. People for the most part think only about themselves.
→ If I try, I can please everyone.
Yes, this can happen if you live in a tribe of 40 people united by the same culture. But in the modern world, it doesn’t matter who you are or how you behave. Some people will love you, others will hate you or just dislike you.
If some people approve of you, you infuriate others. So having a strong desire to please one group of people is illogical and wrong, especially if you don't strongly support their views. You make extraordinary efforts to please one group of people, and at the same time other people who could become true friends will not wait for your company.
→ If they judge me, look down on me, or say nasty things about me, this will cause serious consequences in my life.
The person who is judging you or your actions is not even in the same room as you, or at least not directly next to you. In 99.7% of cases this happens. It is a classic mammoth mistake to imagine social consequences that are much worse and worse than what actually happens. In reality, other people's opinions mean practically nothing and do not affect life in any way.
→ People judging me matter.
This is what goes on in the minds of people who like to judge others: they are completely under the control of a mammoth and are looking for the same mammoth puppet friends. The favorite pastime of such people is to get together and wash everyone’s bones.
Maybe they're jealous, and bad-mouthing other people helps them feel a little less jealous. Or they just like to wallow in schadenfreude. In any case, these condemnatory tirades serve as excellent food for the mammoth.
When judging someone, gossipers always end up on the other, “right side” and feel white and fluffy. It's unpleasant to realize that at your expense someone feels beautiful and pure, but in reality it has no effect on your life.
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
image from Wait But Why website
Other people's conversations and gossip do not concern you, they concern only the gossipers and their fattened mammoths. If you find yourself making decisions with an eye on gossipers out of fear that they will judge you, realize what is happening in time and stop.
→ I will be a bad person if I disappoint or offend the people who love me and have invested so much in me.
No. You won't be a bad person, son or friend if you listen to the real you. There is one simple rule: if they truly love you and are not selfishly taking advantage of you, they will accept whatever makes you happy and will come back to you.
Well, if you're happy and they don't think to come, here's what's happened: their strong feelings about who you should be and what you should do are an echo of their mammoths, and they're upset because they're worried about what they'll say about it other people. They allow their mammoth to conquer their love for you, which means they have no place in your life.
And two more reasons why the mammoth's fearful obsession with social approval makes no sense.
A. You live here.
image from Wait But Why website
What could possibly matter?
Q. Both you and everyone you know will die. And pretty soon.
image from Wait But Why website
So, all the mammoth’s fears are irrational, because he is stupid. And here is the second reason.
