I stopped loving my wife. How to save a marriage or is it better to let go?

The essence of the problem

Almost every family goes through difficult periods, disagreements and misunderstandings. Sometimes family life improves over time, sometimes you have to leave forever. In any case, each spouse should try to survive such a moment with dignity and without unnecessary hassle.

The wife often has no idea what to do if a husband stops loving his wife, exacerbating an already difficult situation with her attempts to restore the family. First of all, it is necessary to understand the reasons for this behavior of a man - whether this is a real problem or a fictitious one. Then you can decide whether it is worth fighting to save the family.

Most often, women, due to their emotionality, perceive even just their husband’s fatigue or lack of mood for some reason as a loss of her husband’s feelings for her. Then causeless insults and even quarrels can really lead to what the woman fears so much.

It is necessary to analyze the current situation, how often and how long periods of a man’s indifference last. If such cases are repeated regularly, then there is cause for concern.

As they say - there are many men in the world, but you are alone

It would be a good idea to remember this motto and repeat it to yourself when the next attack of self-flagellation comes over you. No matter how trivial it may sound, we must move on with our lives. Engage in self-development, try to outline and master new goals and horizons. Time is the best healer and you yourself will not notice how, having become interesting to yourself in a new way, other people around you will become interested in you.

The pain and resentment from betrayal will pass over time and their place will be taken by a readiness for some new, positive emotions, perhaps new feelings.

Signs of fading feelings

Psychologists identify the main signs that make it possible to determine that a husband’s past feelings have really passed:

1. A man stops showing his feelings: he doesn’t hug, doesn’t kiss, doesn’t show signs of attention. When his wife tries to kiss him, he tries to avoid touching him.
2. He does not share his problems with his wife, as before, does not talk about events happening at work, does not discuss important events, does not consult before an important choice, that is, he protects his personal space in every possible way and tries to spend all his free time outside the home.
3. Constantly criticizes the actions of his wife, finds fault with little things - he doesn’t like the food he prepares, the shirt is ironed incorrectly, etc., not paying attention to the efforts made and the actual successes of the wife.
4. Lack of respect for the other half: constant insults and humiliation of the spouse during quarrels, unpleasant statements about her appearance or clothing.
5. During the day he never calls to inquire about his wife, the affairs of the house, or the children.
6. Sexual life is reduced to a minimum; the man perceives it as a heavy duty, without showing any interest or initiative.
7. Stops talking about himself and his spouse as family.
8. He is reluctant to accept various family dinners and avoids heart-to-heart conversations.
9. Lack of reasons to share laughter and joy. Psychologists believe that if spouses no longer laugh together at something, if there is no humor in the relationship, then this is a bad sign.

   

10. A man stops worrying and feeling sorry for his wife, stops helping her in difficult times, especially during her illness and other difficulties.
11. A woman ceases to feel a sense of security and reliability next to her husband, and the husband does not consider his family to be his backyard.
12. If a man cheats on his wife not just physically, but also mentally, that is, he develops feelings for another woman, then, as a rule, the family falls apart.

Of course, in every family such signs are purely individual; sometimes it is very difficult to understand that a man has stopped loving his wife if there was no trusting and close relationship from the beginning. But if a woman has really not lost interest in her husband and is trying to save the family, then it is necessary, first of all, to understand the reasons for this man’s behavior.

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"They lived happily ever after... until they met each other"

Family life, which implies relationships between at least two people, is impossible in principle without difficulties. Family psychologists say that it is by overcoming such obstacles that a marriage should only become stronger. But it happens that at some point a man begins to feel that such a relationship has simply exhausted itself, and therefore he needs to run away. Especially often, it is the beginning of a relationship, even before its official registration, that is marked by difficulties in mutual understanding due to the clash of two different characters, or worldviews. But, if your relationship before marriage was truly romantic, then its transition to a new quality, called “marital union”

, can also become the first real crisis in your life together.
Stories that “until there was a stamp in the passport, the relationship was simply ideal, but as soon as the stamp was put, everything changed dramatically for the worse ” -
psychologists hear all the time. And the fact that official marriage deprives young couples of the opportunity to maneuver, who were simply not ready for serious responsibility to each other, is also regularly explained in response.

“A bachelor is bored everywhere. For a married man - only at home"

If you look at the situation prosaically, it looks like this: love is a chemical reaction in the brain.

Today, science has proven that in certain areas of the brain a cocktail of five hormones is formed: testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin and norepinephrine (norepinephrine).
It is this chemical reaction that gives us that feeling for a particular person, which “angels call heavenly joy, and devils call devilish torment
. The only problem is that these hormonal surges, according to the same scientific data, become weaker every year, and after three to five years they disappear completely. Based on this, we can safely say that after a maximum of five years of being close, any, even the strongest love passes, turning into a habit. And it’s very good if during this period of time you have developed a feeling of genuine respect for your other half. Because if not, then being next to such a person can become real torment not only for you personally, but also for both of you.

“There is nothing more beautiful in the world than a couple in love! Especially if this couple is a man and a woman."

Nothing strengthens or destroys a marriage so much as emotional relationships in the family. A feeling of mutual understanding and respect is always a factor that cements marriage bonds. But, gradually, any brightest romance is replaced by everyday routine

, but in it, the difference in views, relationships and desires of husband and wife is already fully manifested.
Due to the fact that love cancels reason, in the period preceding marriage, all the positive qualities of our chosen one are visible to us. Feelings are intoxicating, and do not allow us to understand a simple thing: we fall in love with real or imaginary advantages, but living under the same roof in everyday life, we have to deal with shortcomings
, or rather, with those characteristics of a loved one that, before the start of our life together, we could have just not visible.
It is disappointment in such things that leads to the epilogue entitled: “The family boat crashed into everyday life.”
In everyday life, most of us quickly get tired of giving up our desires in order to please our beloved. And if children appear, then another problem arises - the wife devotes all her time to the child, giving him all the care and affection. And many men, not understanding this point, begin to get angry that their wife has moved away from them, and there is either no intimate life at all, or it is reduced to a minimum, which causes emotional coldness in many husbands in response.

“The quality of a marriage is tested by years of intimacy”

A narrow path of awareness leads from describing problems to solving and overcoming them.

Any crisis is a temporary phenomenon. So, if you don't feel happy in your marriage, listen to the following tips

:

Two people, if they feel good together, can always solve a problem through dialogue. Therefore, be sure to discuss with your other half all controversial issues that arise in the family. Offended silence only makes the situation worse. Each of you should have the opportunity to express your claims and objections!

Be together as often as possible. Look for free time to communicate with each other, and not to escape to the company of friends.

Literally, take a piece of paper with your wife and, silently, make a list of your desires and, separately, a list of interests, without peeking at each other

!
Then, compare your lists and discuss the main similarities. Then calmly discuss those of them on which you have the greatest differences. If you both realize that your relationship has reached a dead end, contact a family psychologist.
Raising children, if they exist, should also take place in the mode of discussion and interaction, regardless of the gender of the child.

Look for those joint ideas, goals and entertainment that generate the most interest and the most positive emotions.

The life of any person is, first of all, his personal conscious choice. Therefore, if you feel that you have lost interest in your spouse, you need to have the courage to talk about this too, frankly, but correctly, without any accusations or insults.

The most difficult crisis, according to family psychologists, is the crisis “after seven years of marriage”

. Everyday life and routine are overcome by introducing diversity into all spheres of married life. If you feel that your spouse has lost respect for you, then this also needs to be discussed honestly, without hiding your emotional feelings about this.

Well, and finally, I will say that for each of us, life is a difficult path, and family life is doubly so. Except you, and no one will solve your pressing problems better than you.

If it seems to you that you have stopped loving your wife, do not get excited and do not lash out. This may indeed only be a temporary crisis. The very feeling of love is extremely difficult to resurrect, but there must be mutual respect,
otherwise there is no other way
! And the only thing you can urgently ask for is creative action in solving any situation. Everything is destroyed easily. Therefore, even if you decide to finally divorce the person you married, try to remain in good, human relations. After all, personal egoism can bring everything into your life... except happiness.

The site editors are not responsible for the content of blogs. The editor's opinion may differ from the author's.

Reasons for my husband's coldness

Sometimes a man in a marriage actually loses interest in his wife for a while. This may be due to stressful situations, problems at work, financial problems, the appearance of children, ill health, etc. Such problems are often temporary in nature, and with joint efforts they can be overcome and return to previous feelings. It is much more serious if the reason for the cooling of feelings is the appearance of sympathy for another woman. What pushes a man to have an affair? Both the wife and the husband can be to blame for this, and sometimes both.

The wife is to blame

The main mistake of many women is that after marriage they turn into a kind of “house hens” - constantly busy with household chores, devoting all their time to home and the child, and stop taking care of themselves, never getting out of their dressing gowns and slippers on their feet.

In the eyes of a man, such a woman ceases to be intriguing and desirable, romance and acuity of feelings disappear. She stops giving her husband the love and attention that she had in the beginning. He does not see in her the woman who previously looked so attractive and well-groomed.

In such a situation, it is quite easy to regain your man's interest. The main thing is to remember that you need to be not only a mother and a housewife, but also a beautiful and seductive woman. You should always look decent - neat hair, beautiful clothes. You also need to develop intellectually, do what you love (for example, study foreign languages, the history of the ancient world, draw, write novels, etc.). The main thing is that the husband always sees an interesting, mysterious woman with self-esteem next to him.

The reason is in the man himself

There has always been an opinion that it is very difficult to understand a woman. However, modern psychologists argue that it is much more difficult to understand male psychology and the reasons for quarrels in the family.

As a rule, the most common reasons for such behavior in men are as follows:

1. Stress from responsibility in family life, especially during the birth of a child.
2. Personal complexes of a man who cannot cope with the role of husband, father, head of the family.
3. Banal avoidance from responsibility and family problems, spoiledness, selfishness due to the upbringing received.
4. Financial insolvency or, conversely, a feeling of permissiveness due to a large amount of money (I buy myself all the pleasures).
5. I liked another woman.

In this case, the efforts of one wife will not help save the relationship; the desire of the man himself is necessary.

Psychologist's advice

Experienced psychologists recommend starting with yourself in any matter.
If a husband is indifferent to his wife, then the problem is with her. A woman needs to love herself, understand her inner world, and tune in to love. When a girl is open to love, the one she has chosen as her companion has no choice but to be by her side. Don’t overdo it in your search for self-love, because a man, in a fit of jealousy, is capable of ill-considered actions when defending his property; first, explain to him that at the moment he is free from responsibility for your relationship together.

Love and respect go side by side; they cannot “live” in married couples separately from each other. Psychologists advise letting go of the situation, and in the most critical moments, the man, and if he doesn’t leave, show respect to your loved one and leave yourself. True feelings are tested at a distance; a change in relationship status will make a man think and look differently at his spouse and his behavior.

Strong-willed women do not worry about their husband’s feelings; they think about their independence and love for their common home. This could be children, a joint business, material assets, or even a summer house.

When a woman has something to find an outlet for her emotions, she has no time to think about the love states of her husband, she takes him in her arms and gives free rein to her joint emotions. During this period of activity, a surge of hormones returns bright colors to relationships even in the most advanced age of a married couple. A man behaves as loyally as possible after such events.

In the following table, we will analyze the main actions of the wife to strengthen the relationship and the man’s reaction to them:

Depending on the husband’s reaction to active actions, the spouse can understand in detail how critical their relationship is.
He simply does not notice his wife in order to temporarily relax or he has a completely different life on his mind. For a targeted check on the husband’s psyche using the active technique of specialists, try to identify all the requests and needs of the spouse. All problems can go away on their own in cases where it is possible to find the root or germ of misunderstanding. What to do if your husband has fallen out of love, treats you badly, begins to let loose and be rude:

• get a divorce and find a better option for yourself;
• change radically and regain feelings;
• force your husband to apologize and change his principles and attitude towards marriage;
• stopped loving - unworthy of such a wonderful woman, put pressure on self-esteem;
• together go to a psychologist for recommendations and do an internship.

In fact, most women are fixated on the theory of relationships, knowing how to do the right thing, but they are embarrassed by something at the last moment, and obediently submit to the actions of the man.
Train courage, boldness and bravery, know that the words and emotional background of your speeches can turn a man on and make him a toy in the hands of a powerful woman. He will have no choice but to understand that he is losing his only love and the relationship will sparkle with a fresh overflow of feelings.

How can you try to save your family?

Whether to save the family or not should be decided by the woman herself, based on her feelings, analysis of the situation and her husband’s behavior. No one can know a better man than her. She must decide for herself whether she can make efforts to renew the relationship, whether she agrees to wait until her husband’s crisis passes and he loves her again.

What is recommended for a woman to do to renew her feelings:

1. If at least some relationship has been preserved, and the spouses continue to live together, then you can organize an interesting trip to romantic places where you can be alone.
2. Persuade your husband and seek a solution to the problem from a psychologist.
3. More often praise a man for his merits, existing and imaginary, and show gratitude for his actions. A man should feel significant and exceptional.
4. Be sincerely interested in your husband’s affairs at work.
5. Drastically change your appearance - get a new stylish hairstyle, makeup, buy a couple of seductive things; try to show your strengths.
6. Try to talk with your husband about topics that interest him, to develop common interests that will help you get closer.
7. Always be in a good mood, radiating positivity, prepare his favorite dishes for your husband’s arrival, and organize small surprises.
8. Love and respect yourself. As people say, “if you don’t love yourself, no one will.”
9. Give yourself and your actions some mystery, make your husband interested in you. Sometimes it is even useful to make him a little jealous, so that he understands that in front of him is a very interesting woman who will never be left without male attention. To do this, you can arrange a meeting with your friend in advance so that she will call you in front of her husband, and awkwardly apologize and fly out of the house, having previously dressed up. Let a man have a reason to sit wondering where his wife went.

The love has passed, but the children are holding on - what to do?

Psychologists have identified several striking “symptoms” that can be used to determine that a real wife no longer evokes feelings of love. How to understand this:

• A man has no desire to spend time with his other half, he seeks advice and support on the side;
• A woman takes everything upon herself; there is no longer a reliable “wall” behind which to hide in difficult moments;
• Spouses often quarrel, find fault with little things, and nag each other even in minor situations;
• There are no compliments, kind words, kisses;
• There is no general respect;
• Jealousy disappears from relationships.

Of course, it would be right for the couple to visit a family psychologist, talk, find the reason for such behavior of each spouse, and maybe even return the former love affair.

What is it better not for a woman to do if her husband stops loving her?

Often a woman who has decided that her husband no longer loves her begins to rush around, committing stupid and rash acts, thereby alienating her man even more.

So, here is a list of what a woman should not do:

1. Arrange a showdown with scandals and hysterics. Nothing can be achieved in this way, and it is quite likely to provoke a complete break.
2. You should not impose yourself on a man, call and stalk him, trying to return his feelings, press for pity and show how bad and lonely a woman is without him. Pity will never replace love.
3. If you suspect the presence of another woman, do not behave like an investigator - constantly check your husband’s phone and computer, call your husband’s friends and colleagues, spy on him, make scandals for your mistress, and even engage in assault. Such measures, as life has shown, will also not help save the family and return the love of the spouse.
4. Blackmail your husband with children, money, an apartment, or by making his adventures public to others.
5. Listen less to the advice of your friends.
6. You cannot remain completely indifferent, consoling yourself with the illusion that everything will work out on its own and your husband will throw himself at your feet again; do not feel sorry for yourself and do not constantly blame yourself or your husband, endlessly delving into this problem.

Thus, if a man still has some feelings, then you can always try to resolve the issue together, without involving relatives, girlfriends or friends. We must remember mutual trust and respect. If the connection between the spouses still remains, then love can be returned. And if there are no feelings, then no measures will help.

As psychologists say, in such a situation there are only 2 options:

1. It is possible to rehabilitate relationships, restore old feelings between spouses if the man is ready and willing to change, and make efforts to preserve the family.
2. If a man has fallen in love with another, if it is impossible to save the family, then it is best to part with dignity, without unnecessary scandals and mutual insults, and try to maintain friendly relations for the sake of the children.

   

What to do next?

Is it worth adjusting to each other and living a hateful life, for the benefit of the family and the child? It is important to look at the situation from both sides - is the wife really so inferior to her husband that she needs to be left, especially with children in her arms? What is the superiority of a man in this position? What demands does he make of his other half?

Attention! Most problems can be avoided if we simply talk to each other, explain our expectations after marriage, which we would not really like, but this does not happen.

Of course, sacrificing oneself on the chopping block of the family is not an option, children are very sensitive, and when parents argue all the time, it is better to leave than to condemn the family to such an existence.

Or maybe it’s not all that bad, it’s just that the wife is very tired, overwhelmed, she doesn’t have enough time and energy to put herself in order - clothes, hairstyle, makeup, bright purchases, hobbies, family meals, etc.

Dear man, take responsibility for the child for at least a few hours a day, and during this time let the woman do her favorite things, then her heart will melt, her face will be fresher and a smile will play on her lips.

Inaction

Some men, losing interest in their wife, do not try to change anything. They do not want to get a divorce because they are afraid of everyday difficulties, they do not want to start a new family, share property and children with their wife. Such men are simply comfortable living in a family, even if there are no feelings there for a long time.

Husbands may also be afraid to talk with their companion, they do not want to express their dissatisfaction or try to change something. As a result, the couple continues to live together, tolerate each other, and put up with a monotonous life. This often leads to men becoming addicted to alcohol.

How to restore relationships?

It is always easier to break family ties than to build them back to their former spark and passion. What to do? Perhaps it is worth changing the routine of family life a little - go to the cinema, water park, theater, as they say, remember the old days.

Yes, routine sucks you in, and therefore relationships and outlook on life change, a woman becomes nervous, stops taking care of herself, and then a harmonious “picture” appears nearby and here’s a reason for you to go left.

Attention! What you cannot do categorically is to remain inactive, saying that life itself will put everything in its place, and during this period the whole family becomes unhappy - husband, wife, child.

It is important for a man to try to restore his love, even if it seems impossible, to learn to distinguish the candy-bouquet period from real love and everyday life.