How to stop being afraid of losing people, money and everything else. Rules of Mikhail Labkovsky / NV

The fear of losing a loved one is one of the most common phobias. Sooner or later you have to face a loss, be it a breakup or even the death of a person. The latter can be called the most painful experience. It takes a lot of time to return to normal. Other close people motivate you to live on. But as a result of psychological trauma, a person may develop a panicky fear of losing them too. Sometimes this develops into a mental disorder - neurosis or phobia. This kind of obsession turns life into hell. The peculiarity of this phobia is that its owner does not come into contact with the feared object: it is abstract, it is impossible to escape from it.

The line between ordinary fear and phobia

People often confuse simple fear and phobia, but these are incomplete synonyms. These concepts differ in the cause of their occurrence. Fear is a natural reaction in response to real danger. It is laid down by nature for self-preservation. A phobia is an obsession ingrained in a person’s subconscious. He realizes that he is experiencing fear without a rational reason, but is not able to control the situation and cope with it on his own. That is, a phobia is a pathological fear imposed on oneself (or someone else), for which there is no logical explanation. The individual reacts inadequately to the situation, reaching severe panic attacks.

Nowadays, this picture occurs often. People can be afraid of anything, even good news (eupophobia), poetry (metrophobia), cheese (turophobia) or harmless flowers (anthophobia). Fortunately, phobias are treatable.

What is the phobia of losing a loved one called?

To answer what the fear of losing loved ones is called, you need to understand what exactly is considered a loss: an ordinary separation or death? In the first case, we are talking about one of the types of social phobia - autophobia (fear of loneliness). In the second - about thanatophobia, from the Greek "thanatos" - "death", as the god of sleep was called. Throughout human history, a natural fear of death (one's own and those of loved ones) has been inherent in people. After all, no one knows what exactly they have to face on the other side.

Such fear can appear at any moment: life is unpredictable, and close people are dear to everyone. A child is afraid of losing his parents, an adult is afraid of a child or another loved one. But if fear turns into an obsession, this leads to a real mental disorder and prevents both the owner of the phobia and his loved ones from living peacefully. Fear of loss can deprive an individual of sleep or even lead to suicide. Sometimes it is so irrational that it arises even in the presence of people whom a person is afraid of losing. In such cases, only a specialist can help, for example, psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Phobia of losing a loved one

First, it’s worth understanding what is meant by loss. If we are talking about loss, as parting, it means one of the types of social phobia - fear of loneliness. And only you yourself can understand how to get rid of the fear of loneliness, because this is, first of all, your choice, when a person realizes this, it becomes easier. If a person is terrified of the death of a loved one, then it is worth talking about one of the vital fears - thanatophobia. To understand the characteristics of a phobia, it is worth considering them separately.

Fear of losing loved ones through separation

It’s worth starting with what social phobia is and why the fear of losing someone is a phobia. After all, this is an intense experience.

Social phobia is a strong, persistent and seemingly unreasonable fear and anxiety of uncomfortable situations in society. For example, fear of condemnation, loneliness, public speaking.

Fear of separation from a loved one can be considered a phobia if the following symptoms are present:

fear of being judged by others in response to loneliness, fear of being left alone after breaking up;
intense fear that is not accompanied by the current situation;
when thinking about parting with a loved one, increased heartbeat, shortness of breath, tremors, sweating of the palms begin;
fear does not pass under the influence of rational arguments, evidence, facts;
inappropriate behavior when there is a discrepancy in views, strong emotional reactions even to short-term separations.

The reasons for such a person’s phobia may be the following:

Observation of severe depression after separation of loved ones (for example, parental divorce).
Experience of an extremely painful separation with serious consequences (experience of illness, suicide attempts, severe depression).
Intense sensitivity, suspiciousness, difficulties with trust and separation trauma.

This phobia responds well to treatment through attachment therapy and the search for emotional dependence.

Fear of death of a loved one

A much more severe loss in fact is the death of a loved one. However, it is not experienced much more severely than the previous version. A phobia is a phobia.

Usually, if there is no phobic disorder, grief trauma is experienced according to a well-known pattern:

Shock is the first reaction, a reaction of lack of contact with the brutal truth.
Denial is a fact before the eyes, but the brain cannot accept it.
Aggression is righteous anger at cruel reality and everyone6 who is in it.
Trading is an attempt to “negotiate with death,” a desperate desire to change everything at any cost.
Depression - This is an awareness of reality and the cessation of trying not to feel pain and change something.
Acceptance is the renewal of the moral resource for life, taking into account the experience of grief.

Fear of losing loved ones can develop for a number of reasons:

already experienced experience of losing a loved one (child, parents);
monitoring severe depression in a loved one;
observation of a long-term severe and incurable illness of someone close to you.

The fear of death is a completely natural fear that is inherent in all living things. It is he who is the engine of life. You can turn a phobia into a natural, safe fear using the same methods - psychotherapy and, if necessary, medications.

Symptoms of fear of loss

Fear of losing a loved one is considered a mental disorder such as phobia if the following signs appear:

obsessive bad thoughts about how scary it is to be alone after the end of a relationship, and what people will think;
a strong fear that a loved one is in danger, when there are no obvious reasons for this and in fact nothing threatens him;
increased heart rate;
increase/decrease in pressure;
shiver;
the occurrence of shortness of breath;
asthenia;
sweaty palms;
chest pain;
nervousness, aggression;
headache;
loss of consciousness at the thought that the person will leave;
fixation on experiences;
ignoring facts and rational arguments for the causelessness of this fear;
presenting horrifying images just because or under the influence of bad news;
excessive worry about loved ones, too frequent calls to find out if everything is fine with them;
hysterics and nervous breakdowns even about separation for a short time.

Depression most often occurs in people aged 30–50 years.

Treatment methods

The fear of losing a loved one can and should be treated, and this should be started as early as possible. The best solution is an integrated approach consisting of several stages.

Psychotherapy

Using exposure therapy, a psychologist will teach the patient to switch from a “fixated” phobia to pleasant and more important moments in life.

We recommend that you read: Fear of spiders - what is the name of the phobia and how to stop being afraid of them

When diagnosing a phobia, the psychotherapist will use existential psychotherapy, showing the patient the basic values of life. Hypnotic procedures will help you get rid of phobias from childhood.

After diagnosing a phobia, if the situation requires it, psychiatrists will prescribe the necessary course of antidepressants, sedatives or tranquilizers.

Independent struggle

Having noticed the above symptoms in yourself in time, you can help yourself in the early stages to stop thinking about the death of a loved one:

Don’t isolate yourself – communicate more with your loved ones, ask them for advice. A confidential conversation will calm you down and eliminate dark thoughts.
Use meditation, relaxation, aromatherapy to relieve tension and stress. In combination with thematic auto-trainings, they will give a lasting positive effect.
For stable insomnia, use herbal sedatives - valerian, motherwort, peony. Read light fiction and beautiful poetry before bed.
It's time for believers to remember God and start regularly attending church, confessing and taking communion. Father, having listened to the problem, will give the right advice and instructions, and teach you to be calmer about the inevitability of death.
Don’t think about the future, but live in the present, work more, so that there is simply no time left for “dark” thoughts.

Experts recommend learning to cope with an impending panic attack of a phobia - convincing yourself that nothing bad will happen. It is better to minimize TV viewing completely, excluding negative news, and choosing to watch comedies and humorous programs. And if the phobia begins to “cover”, it is recommended to stop it with the help of breathing techniques. To do this, take a deep breath, hold your breath for 4-5 seconds, then exhale for a long time for 4-5 seconds. Repeat 5-7 times.

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Reasons for fear of losing someone

To get rid of a phobia, you should identify its origins, and not work on eliminating the symptoms. The fear seems unreasonable, but it doesn’t just appear.

Causes of thanatophobia:

Childhood trauma

Many phobias and other mental disorders originate in childhood. The fear of losing a loved one may arise if the mother leaves the baby alone for a long time. He has a special connection with his mother, and when she is not around, the baby begins to worry. He feels unprotected. If this becomes a trend, the child develops a negative reaction in the form of hysterics to parting with the closest person, and on this basis a phobia can form.

Other causes of childhood trauma that lead to thanatophobia include divorce of parents, death of a relative, and absence of a father. Some children like to scare their younger brothers and sisters by saying that some monster might come and take the baby away from mom. The child believes and begins to get nervous and throw tantrums. It can lead to severe panic attacks, especially during prolonged separation from the mother.

Watching loved ones suffer after loss

Children see the reaction of an older brother or sister who has been abandoned by their partner. They openly show sadness and aggression, and the baby remembers and copies this behavior. Subsequently, he may begin to fear love contacts: for him they are associated with disappointment and pain. And if he himself goes through such an experience, he will be even more confident that the fear is not far-fetched. The same thing happens when a child sees how painfully his parents are going through a divorce.

Loss of a loved one

Many have experienced the death of a loved one. This can happen as early as childhood. The child begins to realize that his loved ones are short-lived, and is horrified by the thought of this. He begins to fear a repetition of such grief, which always comes unexpectedly and completely unsettles a person. It's hard to realize that you will no longer be able to see and talk to your loved one. After such a shake-up, the individual becomes more sensitive and susceptible to thanatophobia; he begins to see danger everywhere for himself and his loved ones. And even the death of a stranger, which he had to witness, can have this effect.

External influence

The media much more often report not on pleasant, but on tragic incidents. This negatively affects even the most impressionable people and programs them to experience fear for themselves and their loved ones, which can take over the mind to such an extent that a person watches every step of their loved ones, trying to protect them from danger. Often this behavior can be alienating and lead to separation.

Suspiciousness and mistrust

Sensitive and suspicious people have a habit of fixating on the negative. Any action or event, in their opinion, should lead to bad consequences. Such people often distrust their partner and, without any reason, are afraid that he will deceive them and leave.

Diffidence

Some people believe that they are not good enough for their partner, so they may leave. They feel that they are being deceived by talking about love, because they do not love themselves. Low self-esteem leads to obsessive thoughts and unreasonable jealousy, which negatively affects relationships. Such people require constant attention, try to manipulate their partner, make him feel pity, control his every step, and no one likes this.

To combat this and maintain a healthy relationship, you must first learn to love yourself and not dwell on your shortcomings and fears.

Obsession with partner

Some people give themselves completely to relationships, dissolve in them and think only about their partner. It becomes the whole world for them. All their desires and goals come down to satisfying the needs of the object of their love. At the same time, they do not notice anything else, not even themselves. If the partner suddenly disappears, there will be nothing left. Because of such abnormal dependence, there is an unbearable fear of losing a loved one. Just thinking about it can make you hysterical.

In order not to become a victim of your attachment, you should learn to perceive yourself as a separate and integral person, engage in self-development and provide personal space for both yourself and your partner.

Postpartum depression

Many new mothers are terrified of harming their child and even experience the fear of his death. This is the result of postpartum depression, which occurs due to hormonal changes in the body. There is complete confusion in their head and terrible pictures are drawn. Some even require urgent medical attention.

To overcome this condition, you don’t need to be embarrassed to tell your loved ones or a psychologist about it. Otherwise, this may have a negative impact on the child, because he feels the mood of his mother.

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In the life of almost any woman, there are times when she is afraid of losing a loved one. For some, these are fleeting moments, because any person has the inherent fear of losing what is dear to him, what he loves, but for some it becomes an obsessive thought that prevents them from living and correctly perceiving the world around them and the actions of people, including their own, and generally adequately assess the situation. But the paradox is that the more afraid you are, the more chances you will have of actually losing what is so dear to you. The only way to change the situation is to stop being afraid. This does not mean that you will stop loving, you will simply be confident in yourself and your loved one, because when you are confident, you are not afraid. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one?

Most often, insecurity arises due to low self-esteem. Next, I will give some tips on how to increase it.

Firstly, always try to learn something new, learn something. You can start learning Japanese, you can learn to roller skate or master the secrets of culinary art, but you need to do this not for someone else, but for yourself. A person who lives an interesting life is interesting to others.

Love yourself. Play sports, sign up for a swimming pool, go for walks to keep your body in good shape. And it doesn’t matter whether you are a slender blonde or a plump brunette, everyone can find an acceptable option for an active lifestyle. You can change your hairstyle, update your wardrobe, get a manicure. Like yourself and others will like you too.

Notice all the good things that happen to you. You can even start keeping a diary of good events. Don’t criticize yourself too often, we all make mistakes, the main thing is to draw the right conclusions from them. Do not feel sorry for yourself, do not consider yourself weak, then you will not evoke feelings of pity among those around you. You should be respected, not pitied.

Be positive. Life is beautiful and amazing, it is full of surprises. Think about the good things that can happen to you and your thoughts will work and guide your life along a good path.

There is no need to compare yourself with someone. Each person is individual and another may have shortcomings that you are not even aware of. You can only compare yourself with yourself, what you were and what you have become. If you don’t like this comparison, then something needs to be changed.

You can get a dog or a cat. They will love you regardless of your flaws. And when someone loves you simply for being you, it’s easier to be confident in the love of others.

Don't be afraid of difficulties. By overcoming them, we overcome ourselves. And thereby we increase our self-esteem. Every task you undertake, complete it. And if you decide to do something, don’t put it off.

If you think in advance what you should do if your loved one leaves you, you will stop being afraid of this, because you will see that life does not end there.

But for this you need to have your own life, your own interests and hobbies. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you have to be together twenty-four hours a day. Allow yourself to go to a cafe with your friends for a cup of coffee, without your boyfriend, give yourself a little freedom.

They say that you shouldn’t keep your loved one on a short leash if you don’t want to lose him, because if he wants to, he’ll still leave. At the same time, they forget to clarify that with this leash you are tying yourself to it and the shorter the leash, the more difficult it will be for you if the relationship does not work out.

Always remain a mystery to him, an unread book, and he will want to get to know you better. Surprise him, and he won't be bored with you. Be diverse, and he will be interested in you. The more complete and self-sufficient person you are, the more attractive you will be to others, including your loved one.

A person must first love himself. This does not mean that he should be selfish, but if you do not know how to love yourself, you will not be able to love someone else. Trust yourself, trust your loved one. After all, they are often afraid because they do not trust. What kind of love can there be if you doubt each other?

So, what conclusions can we draw?

How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one? Fear arises from mistrust and lack of confidence. Distrust is only a matter of faith; if it is not there and you doubt your chosen one, then perhaps you do not need this relationship. And you need to fight uncertainty, first of all, by increasing your self-esteem. Believe in yourself, that you are unique, wonderful and that you have something to love. Love yourself, love yourself for who you are, with all your strengths and weaknesses, and those around you will love you. Don't bind yourself with fear, it can only destroy your relationship. Be a full-fledged person, confident in yourself, and you will not be afraid of tomorrow, but will look into the future with confidence. Read more…

Consequences of thanatophobia

As a result of the obsessive fear of losing loved ones, a person begins to experience insomnia or too often has nightmares, after which he wakes up in a cold sweat. As the situation worsens, he will periodically have nervous breakdowns, which can lead to a disease such as mental neurosis. Lack of appetite and weight loss are also observed.

A person with this phobia may hallucinate that they have harmed a loved one. He lives in constant fear of doing something bad when angry and tries to isolate himself from people. Such inappropriate behavior also affects the person’s relatives. They begin to fear for his mental state. As a result, this situation prevents everyone from living fully.

Autophobia

Even for people who are not versed in psychology, it is useful to know what the fear of losing loved ones is called, because this problem occurs quite often. Not everyone knows the fear of losing a loved one - a phobia, as this disorder is called. In psychology, it is customary to designate this type of emotional and mental disorder with the term “autophobia” (from the Greek root “autos” - “separation”, “isolation”); the word “autism” has the same root. A person suffering from this disease is afraid of:

Death or serious illness of relatives;
Prolonged separation from a loved one;
Conflicts or quarrels that could lead to a final and irrevocable break;
The fact that a partner or friend will break off the relationship on their own initiative, choosing another person.

A patient suffering from autophobia may experience outbursts of anger and unreasonable jealousy. Another common symptom of the disease is an attempt to manipulate people in order to keep them. For example, a patient can skillfully feign a heart attack so that a spouse (partner, friend) does not leave.

Anyone who suffers from autophobia unknowingly poisons the life of not only themselves, but also those around them. If the disorder is not treated, the patient's character gradually deteriorates; he becomes suspicious, prone to hysterics for any reason, and begins to show unmotivated aggression based on jealousy or anxiety.

How to get rid of the fear of loss on your own?

If a person himself notices something strange in his behavior, and fear is still at an initial level, then you can try to help yourself on your own, without the involvement of specialists. There are several ways to help reduce or completely eliminate the fear of losing loved ones:

Tell your loved ones honestly and openly about your problem. Talk to them as often as possible to calm them down. Together with them it will be easier to cope with your phobia.
Think about the value of the words and actions of those around you. If they do something nice, you should notice it and thank them for it, then there will be more good moments and positive emotions in life.
Try to help people and be kinder to them, even to strangers.
Learn to value your life and live no matter what. The fact that we are all short-lived is very difficult to accept. But this cannot be avoided, so you shouldn’t get so hung up on it. You need to be prepared for anything and focus on the good moments so as not to overshadow them with bad thoughts.
Learn to relate to death more calmly, accept this fact. Who said that this is necessarily bad? Perhaps a meeting with our loved ones and a new life awaits us all there. It is no coincidence that this idea is found in many religions of the world.
Use breathing techniques to overcome fear: take a deep breath, hold your breath for 4 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Do no more than 7 repetitions.
Tune in to the positive using self-hypnosis. When panic approaches, you need to convince yourself that nothing bad will happen and cannot happen. You can remember something good or read a book/watch a movie with a light plot and a good ending to distract yourself and calm down. It is better not to watch the news, as they often cover negative events.
Drink soothing herbal infusions before bed.
Arrange aromatherapy sessions for yourself at home with essential oils of lavender, lemon balm, chamomile and others. In this case, you need to relax, close your eyes and listen to calm, smooth music.
Keep yourself busy with work and don’t waste time on unnecessary thoughts that give rise to phobias.
Think about the present, live here and now, and not become attached to the sad past and do not look with caution into the unknown future. The past cannot be changed, and the future cannot be predicted.
Try to understand that such obsessive fear only harms relationships with those you are afraid to lose.

Expert help: from fear of losing a loved one to love without fear

If fear becomes permanent and interferes with normal life, you should think about going to a specialist. Treatment of thanatophobia, depending on the situation and degree of the disorder, is carried out by different specialists:

The psychologist identifies the symptoms, causes of the phobia, and the stage of its development. To do this, already at the first session, the specialist asks the client a variety of questions about his fear. This way a person sees his phobia from the outside. After this, the client is asked to describe his feelings that arise when fear appears. Then the psychologist immerses him in this state, asking him to close his eyes and imagine a frightening picture, and then offers to change it to a pleasant one. The goal of such exposure therapy is to learn to overcome your fears and switch to something good when the phobia is activated. The number of such sessions varies from 5 to 10.
The psychotherapist also makes every effort to identify the cause of fear as deeply as possible and help the client transform it. Existential psychotherapy, for example, helps to overcome a phobia. A person must realize why he lives, what his values are and how to live in accordance with them.
The psychiatrist prescribes sedatives, tranquilizers and antidepressants. This method of treatment is also used by psychotherapists in certain cases.
Sometimes people turn to a hypnologist for help, who helps eliminate the root of the problem, since irrational fears appear on an unconscious level.

It is better to contact multidisciplinary specialists who will identify the full picture of the disorder and help in various ways. For example, such specialists include psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Anyone can experience the fear of losing a loved one. There are a variety of reasons for this, from watching others suffer to experiencing your own loss. Usually the phobia begins in childhood, but can also arise in adulthood under the influence of some events or negative media news.

It is important to recognize the symptoms in time and identify the causes of fear. In the early stages, you can help yourself on your own, but it is better to trust experienced specialists.