When not to save a marriage
Not all cases are worth fighting for a marriage.
Here are just a few situations in which divorce may be the right decision:
- when one of the spouses has a mental disorder, is a psychopath, a tyrant, and poses a threat to the life and health of other family members;
- for the sake of children, if all other positive aspects of marriage have long been lost;
- the partner has another family on the side, and he cannot decide to break up;
- due to material or housing problems, if one of the partners is financially dependent and this is the only thing stopping them from filing for divorce.
Is it necessary to save a family for the sake of children?
Despite all her efforts, sooner or later a woman comes to the conclusion that she made a fatal mistake when she agreed to get married, and the person living nearby became a complete stranger to her.
In such situations, the cause of discord in the family is not so important, be it betrayal, mutual grievances, or loss of interest in a partner. Another question comes to the fore: what to do? Not every woman is able to rethink the situation from the point of view of everyday experience and improve relationships with her spouse.
Usually the spouse chooses one of the options: ends the relationship and leaves forever, or continues to live, enduring everything she doesn’t like, hoping for the best. Much depends on a woman's character.
What to do to improve the situation? Is it worth enduring insults and humiliation for the sake of material well-being? Isn’t it better to calm down and look at things soberly; how much will you lose from parting with an unloved person?
How to save a family on the verge of divorce - advice from a psychologist.
Of course, at first it will be difficult, and the budget, even if there is good work, will have to be revised. But a woman, perhaps for the first time in her life, will feel what it means to be independent and independent.
It is better to lose some of your material wealth than to spend the rest of your life falling asleep next to your unloved husband and enduring an endless series of humiliations.
No one argues that children need a full-fledged family with a dad and mom, but will it be complete if the parents no longer have any feelings for each other other than rejection and hatred? Moreover, will the child feel the difference when the father leaves the family if he already sees the parent only on weekends?
You can make a good person out of your child alone. And there are many examples of this in life. The main thing is to believe in yourself and make efforts to maintain friendly relations with your ex-husband.
Watch the video. Is it worth living with a man for the sake of a child?
Families saved for the sake of children are rarely happy, which means that children growing up with such parents feel deprived. The child is especially sensitive to any changes in the parents’ relationship, experiences it hard and absorbs negative emotions like a sponge.
All this does not pass without leaving a mark on the psyche and character. Due to family troubles, children often acquire complexes that prevent them from building harmonious relationships in adulthood. And memories from childhood bring nothing but bitterness and resentment.
Why remain silent, continuing to hate your own spouse, if you can openly talk to him and try to find a solution that is optimal for both parties? In such situations, quarrels and mutual reproaches are not the tools with which it is possible to restore mutual understanding.
It would be more correct and wiser to talk honestly with your partner and admit that you no longer love him. Perhaps this recognition will help her husband change. If there is no way back, do not despair and become despondent. Divorce is not a death sentence.
70% of divorced women have successful marriages
Practice shows that most women do not remain alone for long after a divorce, and after some time many get married. Moreover, children from a previous marriage do not prevent the mother from arranging her personal life and creating a new strong union.
"Pros and cons"
On the one hand, a complete family is a guarantee of the formation of a personality harmonious in all respects, on the other hand, a marriage preserved in the name of children hides many contradictions. So what should you do? Should I continue to live with my unloved husband, creating the illusion of a prosperous family, or should I end this relationship forever?
Such thoughts occur more often to women than to their husbands. And the point is not that the maternal instinct is stronger than the paternal one, it’s just that in most cases, common children after a divorce remain in the care of their mothers. Consequently, it is on women’s shoulders that the burden of responsibility for teaching and raising a child falls.
Therefore, almost every woman thinks for a long time before filing for divorce. The most common reasons for hesitation are doubts about common property and wealth, which a woman is not ready to part with overnight.
Some people simply have nowhere to go after a divorce, and this is a good reason to reluctantly continue to live with an unloved spouse. Among other things, many representatives of the fairer sex are terrified of loneliness.
How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?
The common opinion of the older generation that a divorced lady will suffer for the rest of her days, doomed to a lonely, hateful existence, forces the woman to postpone the decision to divorce again and again.
Some representatives of the fairer sex convince themselves that no matter what the father is, it is better for children to live with their father and mother. However, at one point, the cup of patience runs out, and all arguments in favor of maintaining the relationship fade into the background.
It is then that the woman understands that there is no more love, and saving the marriage for the sake of children is inappropriate. There are situations when it is more beneficial for a child to see his father once a month than to observe his misbehavior day after day. The last argument outweighs, and the woman, confident in the correctness of her decision, goes to file for divorce.
Is it worth keeping a family for the sake of children? Having weighed all the pros and cons, we can give a clear answer: you should not risk the mental health of children. An adult child will not say “thank you” for living in an atmosphere of constant scandals, lies, and sometimes physical violence.
In addition, children tend to shift part of the parents’ blame onto themselves, which forms a persistent inferiority complex in their psyche, which subsequently prevents them from achieving success in their career and personal life.
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The child feels responsible for the fact that the parents saved the marriage for his sake, when they could have divorced and built a more successful relationship. It turns out that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
After several decades of joint torment, not only parents, but also their children remain unhappy. Of course, parents should make any sacrifices for the sake of their children, but not in this case.
Another scenario is possible, for example, when problems in the relationship between spouses are temporary. The partners lived for several years in complete harmony and mutual understanding, and now the moment has come for cooling of feelings.
During such periods of life together, either spouse is even ready to seek solace on the side. And then it is the children who become the lost meaning that his parents are looking for. They help their parents' hearts find peace and ease of being. You should not deprive your child of his family for the sake of a temporary hobby.
When can you save your family?
Saving a family for the sake of children is a noble act. However, before making a final decision, it is important to understand whether it is possible to save the relationship as a whole, because living together can hardly be called a family.
First, analyze the situation. Think about what part of the relationship can be restored and what part is irretrievably lost.
It is important to understand whether patience has reached its limit or whether this is just a temporary crisis. Ask yourself a couple of simple questions and try to give a truthful and reasonable answer to them.
Is there emotion in your relationship? If feelings are still acute, it is worth thinking about the issue of saving the marriage. If one of the spouses unconditionally decided to break off the relationship, then there is no point in keeping the partner.
But stormy showdowns and emotional tension indicate the presence of still strong feelings and passion between the spouses. In this case, you need to fight to preserve the relationship to the end, at least for the sake of common offspring.
Do you still have a mutual desire to share personal experiences and successes with each other? If there is such a desire, then warm friendly ties have been preserved. And trust is considered one of the main components of a marital relationship.
When is it not worth saving your family?
There are often cases when a partner not only causes irritation, but also provokes attacks of anger and aggression in you. Similar feelings are encountered by women whose husbands have severe addictions: alcohol or drugs, an uncontrollable passion for gambling.
It is no secret that it is impossible to bring a person out of such a state without his direct participation. Living with an addicted partner inevitably leads to dire consequences, because persuasion and entreaties do not work on such people. Divorce in such families is a matter of time.
My husband wants to get a divorce, but I don’t – what should I do?
There is another, very similar to the previous, version of the development of events. These are families in which husbands use physical force against their wives and children. Such relationships do not bring anything good.
In this case, the wife either meekly endures and accepts the role of “victim” or leaves her husband for the sake of the future of the children.
If there is even the slightest chance to break off the relationship and leave your tyrant spouse, then you should not hesitate. Children will definitely be better off without a father.
Family dramas arising from spouses’ infidelities are a separate topic for discussion. If a spouse, who has never before shown himself to be a womanizer, suddenly begins to cheat, the reason for this is most likely dissatisfaction with family life.
Perhaps he was no longer satisfied with the intimate side of marital relationships. In such situations, it makes sense to correct this part of the relationship for the well-being of the common children.
What to do to save it
The female position in family relationships in most cases comes down to preserving the hearth, if such a possibility still exists.
6 out of 10 women stay married for the sake of children
Unlike men, women are capable of flexibility and forgiveness, even if this is difficult.
What to do if the first chill appears in your relationship with your husband, but there is still a chance to save the marriage?
Possible options are as follows:
- Dramatically change the situation within the family. Start over, look after each other like we did in good times. Give your feelings a boost
- Pay more attention to your husband. As a rule, after the birth of children, a man feels deprived. Let your spouse know that he is needed and desired,
- Be honest and open. Do not accumulate resentment inside, discuss sensitive issues immediately, try to find a solution that suits both. Don't forget to trust each other.
Watch the video. Psychology. Divorce and children.
If there are no feelings
If the marriage is hopeless, and attempts to return the former relationship have not been successful, there is no need to torture yourself and your children. It’s better to separate completely while you can still maintain friendly relations.
There is no need to come up with unimaginable explanations for children. An adult child will understand everything himself, but you shouldn’t lie to a child. Children understand much more than adults think. And don't be deceived yourself.
In addition, if feelings still exist, loving spouses will be able to reunite even after a divorce. Consider separation from your husband as a test of fate.
Public scenes have a bad effect on a child's psyche. A child needs calm, self-sufficient and self-confident parents, regardless of whether they managed to save the marriage.
Children will not be happy in a dysfunctional family where mom and dad hate each other. Truly happy children grow up in an atmosphere of love and trust, and they have no need for useless sacrifices.
A good solution is to live separately for a while. Periods of separation often bring people closer together.
Did the divorce take place? Now you and your husband are strangers, but he remains a father. If your ex-spouse is a mentally healthy, adequate person, you should not prohibit him from seeing your children.
Using a child as a tool for manipulation is almost criminal. A child needs both parents, and a woman has no right to deprive him of his father.
If your husband cheats
Infidelity of a spouse is a complex situation that requires careful analysis and correct conclusions. In such cases, on one side of the scale is the well-being of the family and the child’s happy childhood, on the other is women’s pride. And how can you trust a husband who once cheated? Where is the guarantee that he won’t do the same thing in the future?
How to save a family after your husband cheats - advice from a psychologist.
According to psychologists, it is important to find out the cause of infidelity, and only after that draw appropriate conclusions. Ultimately, it is up to the woman to decide: to forgive her errant husband or to part with him forever.
Many women are ready to accommodate an unfaithful spouse, provided that his betrayal is a one-time offense.
If a husband sincerely repents and values family well-being and the future of his children, he fully deserves forgiveness. In such cases, it is not so difficult to improve family life and restore previous relationships. It all depends on the woman’s desire and ability to forgive.
Is it worth saving the family for the sake of the children if the spouse’s infidelities are systematic? From a psychological point of view, everything depends on the relationships that have developed in the family.
Suppose your relationship with your husband has reached a dead end. Your family life is full of hysterics and scandals. Such an atmosphere has an extremely negative impact on the psychological state of the child. Don't torture yourself and your children. The best way out of this situation is divorce.
The exact opposite situation: a long-term marriage, a child desired by both spouses, complete mutual understanding. Everything was fine until my husband found a girlfriend on the side. Then you should think about saving the family for the sake of the child, and forgive your husband for his temporary weakness.
It would be ideal if you seek help from a family relationship specialist before making a final decision. An experienced psychologist will help you understand the situation thoroughly and suggest the right solution.
How to behave with a child
Whatever happens between parents should not concern their children. Children are very vulnerable and instantly project family problems onto themselves, feeling guilty for what is happening at home.
Children are not able to understand the essence of what is happening. Questions like: “What do you think about dad and I living separately?” put the fragile child’s mind at a dead end, causing a guilt complex in the child for the fact that mom and dad can no longer live together.
Many children are especially suggestible, so the tactic of denigrating a husband in the eyes of children hurts the child’s psyche no less than the need to make a choice for adults.
In reality, children are terribly afraid of losing each of their parents, because they love both equally. All negotiations with your husband regarding the future of your union should take place behind closed doors, without the involvement of young children.
It is somewhat easier to explain the situation to older children, although unpleasant surprises are possible here too. The main thing that the child should focus on is that both parents love him and after a divorce nothing will change in his life. Yes, the parents will live separately, but for the child they will remain as loving father and mother.
It is important for a child to understand that both parents are good people. For example, if a mother persistently convinces her daughter that her father was a bad husband and an unfit parent, sooner or later the daughter will begin to take this for granted.
When mentioning your ex-spouse in front of your children, you should not confuse the concepts of father and husband. If a man has become a bad husband for you, this does not mean that he is a bad father to his children.
In adulthood, this will lead to the fact that the child, on a subconscious level, will look for a person who can replace the father lost in childhood: the boy will look for a patron, the girl will look for a lover much older than herself.
Tips for partners
If during a disagreement you still decide to save the marriage, you should use the following tips:
- Learn to love yourself. Discover new talents, try something interesting, play sports, sign up for belly dancing or drawing courses. Returning to yourself will allow you to switch from blaming your partner and constant dissatisfaction to positive thinking.
- Give freedom to your spouse. Meetings with friends, personal time, the ability to communicate via messenger without looking over your shoulder - your partner has the right to all of this.
- Give compliments and praise over small things. It’s not difficult to thank your wife for a delicious dinner or tell your husband what a skilled mechanic he is. The more such words, the higher the importance of each family member and the stronger the mutual respect.
- Be honest with each other and not wash dirty linen in public. Cheating and discussing your partner with mutual friends is the last thing you should do to save your relationship.
- Listen to your partner and be willing to compromise.
How to keep love in marriage
However, it is always easier to prevent dangerous situations from occurring than to glue a broken cup back together later. There are things that should never be allowed. This applies to quarrels in front of strangers and children, getting personal and involving relatives in a dispute. You should not remember past grievances, especially if your other half has already begged your forgiveness for them.
When you are close to hysterics, when you are throwing up and throwing, and bombarding your partner with reproaches, accusations, trying to hit as hard as possible and even humiliate, try at this moment to look at yourself from the outside. How unsightly you look, how disheveled your hair is and your mouth open in a bestial grin. You will stop respecting yourself at this moment, and your partner will do it even earlier.
Try a different route and use one of the following tips:
- Don’t try to change your spouse, no one has ever succeeded in doing this;
- Highlight for yourself its advantages, not its disadvantages;
- Find time to discuss current affairs, ask for his opinion;
- Do something that interests both of you, and then you will have something to talk about;
- Look for ways to spend time together more often: visit exhibitions, museums, theaters;
- Watch melodrama films that save marriage;
- Compliment each other, take care of each other;
- It’s very good if at least one partner has a good sense of humor. Then any conflict can be suppressed with a joke at the stage of its inception.
Related literature
In order to have useful advice and practice-tested solutions at hand in any situation, it is worth stocking up on literature on family psychology.
TOP 5 books:
- John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus." This book has saved many from divorce. In it, the author understands how men and women perceive the world and gives practical advice on how to behave in a given situation.
- Alan Pease, Barbara Pease "Why men lie and women cry." Psychological writers talk about important things in accessible language and with humor.
- Svetlana Ermakova “Who should I give an apple to?” The book teaches how to become stronger, choose the right partners, and make decisions in difficult moments.
- How to Save Your Family Boat by Cloud Townsend. The book contains many simple techniques that will help restore harmony and answer the question of whether the marriage is worth saving.
- John Goth. The author knows that there are situations when nothing can be done. But at the same time, it tells how to preserve love in a marriage.
Fear of divorce
Fear is the main blocker of development. People are often afraid to share their true feelings with their partner. Fear can take many forms: fear of divorce or avoidance of thoughts that the current relationship lacks intimacy, passion, or respect. Another acute fear is being left alone after a divorce.
When you stay in a marriage out of fear, paralyzed emotions continue to poison the relationship. Keeping the family together out of fear is the result of a mysterious dilemma. These people do not dare to divorce, but they are convinced that their marriage will not improve, so they do not work on the relationship. This is the worst case scenario. It's like they're trapped between a rock and a hard place.
If you are in this position, it is very important for you to address your fears. Fear of divorce paradoxically destroys all chances of improving relationships. He plunges into an inert state. The resulting stagnation and difficult feelings aggravate an unsatisfactory marriage, turning it into a prison sentence.
If you can get past the fear of separation, then you can make the choice to stay in your marriage voluntarily and not out of fear. This alone greatly alleviates the chronic feeling of an unhappy life and opens the way to healing the marriage, such as family therapy. In other words, overcoming your fear of divorce does not necessarily lead to divorce. It leads to clarification of the situation whether this marriage is worth saving.
Fear affects our perception of the world. Breaking this impasse will open the door to creating healthier relationships in your current marriage or outside of it. Either choice is better than remaining miserable without any glimmer of hope. Fear should not be the reason for your choice.
Children from underdivorced families are afraid of their own marriages.
Contrary to popular myth, a child will not swear in the future, simply because mom and dad argued. People tend to copy what they like. For example, parents gathered at the table every Saturday for a big family dinner - the child will want to repeat this tradition. Everything bad will become an anti-example. You need to try hard so that children consider screaming and quarrels as something normal - children are not fools.
However, a child may adopt the parent's conflict model of communication in his adult life simply because he will not know other options. Then he'll just have to swear. Well, how should a person who has not been taught alternative ways to solve problems behave? He will do what he knows how to do, and in his arsenal there will only be a raised voice, claims and insults.
At the same time, if children constantly observe conflicting relationships of close people next to them, it is very likely that later they will not want to get married at all. Why do they need eternal quarrels? The parents fought, the grandparents fought, and then they divorced - the child will refuse to step on the same rake. The best way to prevent this from happening is to not start a family.
Divorce and children's psyche: how to avoid problems?
It is important to understand that stress cannot be avoided. Younger children unconsciously blame themselves for their father’s departure; teenagers over 10 years old may experience anger and acute negativity towards the parent who left the family.
The first 1-2 months after a breakup will be especially sad and traumatic . Over the next six months you will get used to it and adapt to new circumstances.
It is at this time that it is important to curb your own emotions, protecting your child from them as much as possible and setting him up for a new, calm life. Remember that it is especially difficult for him now. But you can cope with the situation!
First, you should have an honest conversation with your child. The conversation should be held in a calm atmosphere, preferably on a day off, when you don’t have to go to school or kindergarten. It is necessary to explain that this is the decision of adults, that this happens, but life does not end there.
The main thread of the conversation should be the idea that mom and dad will no longer live together, but they still love their son or daughter very much and will remain the closest people to them.
They will educate you, take you for walks, take care of you, and buy you gifts. But only now apart. You can give an example of families where parents separated, emphasizing that children live much better in a new, calm environment.
It is important to convey that what happened was not the child’s fault, much less some kind of irreparable catastrophe.
Uncontrolled childhood stress leads to illness.
There is an opinion that a child can get sick on purpose in order to unite his parents. These are fairy tales. The child begins to get sick due to chronic uncontrollable stress. Because of it, the body's protective functions are reduced, and it becomes more vulnerable to any viruses and infections.
In the same way, a child is unlikely to deliberately behave extremely badly in order to “fix” the family. This can only happen if the family is at the very beginning of the crisis. Then, probably, the child will want to learn something so that the parents will be distracted and focus on him. Once or twice these strange measures will help - the family will unite, but then, if there are problems, they will return.
