Why does it feel bad after a breakup?
At the beginning of a relationship, the “happiness hormones” dopamine and oxytocin are produced in the human brain. When the beloved is nearby, they enter the blood, the reward system turns on, and we feel happy.
After separation, the body begins to break down due to the cessation of the reward system. Stress hormones begin to be actively produced, negatively affecting the cardiovascular, digestive and immune systems. In addition, the systems responsible for the perception of pain are activated. It seems to us that we feel physical pain, but no changes occur to the body.
The process of psychological adaptation after separation depends on the type of person’s nervous system, circumstances and the efforts made by the person himself to start a new life.
Don’t isolate yourself, communicate with your loved ones
Every person has moments in life when they don’t want to communicate with anyone, even those closest to them. But we are born into a social world and we need communication. If you have friends, family, or even just good friends, do not limit yourself from their support. You don't have to tell other people everything that's on your mind. Although, sometimes this is also a great way to relieve emotional stress and reduce pain. Just don't be alone. Have a get-together with friends, go to a cafe, or chat with a loved one in the kitchen over a cup of tea. Accept support if someone around you wants to help you.
Stages of experience
After a breakup, a person goes through several stages:
- Stress, shock and denial of what is happening. A person cannot come to terms with the fact that his partner no longer needs him and has left.
- Anger. There is resentment and a desire for revenge.
- Vain expectations and hopes. The person tries to renew the relationship, but the partner does not return. You can find out more about how to make peace with a girl in one of our articles.
- Apathy, depression. Both conditions are characterized by a loss of interest in life.
- Acceptance and rebirth. There is a feeling of gratitude for all the pleasant memories and good deeds that happened in the past. At this stage, a new life without a partner begins.
Often, the pain of a breakup against the backdrop of betrayal torments a person so much that he wants to forget all the events associated with his ex-partner. But no one succeeds in this, because we are usually afraid to experience negative emotions to the end.
Realize that nothing in this world lasts forever, including mental pain.
“This too shall pass” was the inscription on King Solomon’s ring. As the legend goes, he received the ring as a gift at a young age. The king had to go through many difficult moments and the inscription on the ring helped him realize that even the most difficult periods do not last forever. Life is very fluid, everything changes every second. The person who was yesterday is no longer the same as today. Neither joy nor sadness can last forever.
It is human nature to prolong his suffering by dwelling on the past, on memories, on his mental pain.
Try to remember other unpleasant moments from your life that no longer evoke any emotions in you, and previously you worried about them for a long time. Realize that at that moment it also seemed to you that the world had collapsed. But everything has passed and it no longer bothers you. The pain you are experiencing now will also pass in the same way. It will definitely pass.
How to deal with a breakup
In order to cope with a breakup, I recommend following a few simple tips.
Allow yourself to get hurt
There is no need to self-consolate and artificially invigorate. Don’t keep your emotions to yourself; if you want to cry, cry; if you are overwhelmed with screaming, scream. If you like to sing, then it's time to sing a couple of sad songs. Take a break from watching TV series or melodramas. Do not listen to friends who will console you with words that separation is not a tragedy. No one except you knows what is going on in your soul. Cry until you feel better and you run out of tears. Your strength will definitely return to you, but it will take time.
Don't blame yourself
The decision to end a relationship usually does not come immediately. And not even in a week or a month. It is usually accompanied by a long process of reflection. Every couple has different reasons for breaking up. But this does not mean that only you are to blame. Your partner has also started to lose contact with you. Responsibility for the relationship always lies with both. Do not try to calculate who is more to blame and who is less.
Don't try to get your partner back
If you think that you cannot live alone and need to return everything, I recommend stopping and thinking carefully. The usual fear speaks in you. After a long relationship, most people are scared to imagine being alone. This is a completely normal reaction. Do not give in to emotions and fear, do not humiliate yourself in front of your ex-partner. Even if he wants to return, you will no longer see the same relationship.
Find a new hobby
When the acute pain of the breakup passes, start traveling or going to places you couldn’t go with your ex-partner. Watch films of the genre that you like, but he doesn’t like.
Think about hobbies that were abandoned during the relationship. Do things you couldn't do together. This will help you feel the joy of your freedom. Join a dance studio or start taking art classes. Find something you enjoy, and then you will have no time to think about the past.
Move more
Immediately after a breakup, many people go hungry for days and lose weight rapidly. Due to this, the body's resources are depleted and unhealthy appetite suddenly appears, which leads to weight gain. A person not only wants to eat in order to live, but eats a bad mood with cake, chocolate, pizza and other high-carbohydrate foods. If he does not play sports, then the weight will increase rapidly. I recommend joining a gym and watching your figure. Let your ex-partner regret losing you.
Be sure to monitor your health and take care of yourself. It is useful for girls to do different hairstyles, experiment with hair length and color, and buy more stylish and beautiful clothes.
After a breakup, guys are advised to go to the gym regularly, try to change their style and think about getting rid of bad habits.
Make a list of good things
Don't think that the black streak will last forever, it's just that the brain reacts to stress this way. The world has not dimmed because of parting, try to write down on a piece of paper all the good things you have. It could be friends, work, books, hobbies, your collection of magnets from different countries and favorite mugs, the taste of hot coffee on a rainy day, shopping. Try to add new items to the list every day, and when you feel really bad in your soul, re-read it.
Change the scenery
If everything in the apartment reminds you of your ex-partner, change the environment. Buy new dishes and interior items, hang new curtains. The ideal solution is to move for a while.
Chat with friends more often
Supporting a friend in difficult times is very important. But don’t forget to be interested in their affairs and ask about their feelings, otherwise the whole conversation will be built only on your problems and complaints about your ex-partner. Try to avoid communicating with those people who will only aggravate your emotional state, emphasizing your guilt in everything that happened. Find those people who bring you relief and positive emotions, and be sure to use this resource. Don't forget to support your friends in return and listen to their problems.
Do 5 exercises
Renowned psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma recommends doing 5 simple exercises after a person has calmed down after a breakup. The main thing is not to delay implementation, otherwise they may worsen the situation.
You can keep a special notebook or type text on a computer. The first option has a great advantage - it can be burned after completing a set of exercises.
Don't do exercises back to back. Take on the next thing when all the emotions fade away. Don’t try to just unsubscribe, this is not a course work that you want to finish and submit quickly. No one will read what you write except you.
- We need to go back to basics. Write a brief story about how you met your ex-partner, describe the first date, the beginning of the relationship and the period when you started living together. Describe in more detail what hopes and dreams you had with this person. Then focus on the reason for the breakup. Usually this is a psychological trait or some kind of physical feature.
- Tell us about your status outside of the relationship, what events happened before you met your ex-partner. Did you want to fall in love or did you like being alone? What emotions did you want to experience and what to achieve? Describe what your partner could have offered you or you could have offered him, but for some reason you didn’t. Tell us about how you felt when the prerequisites for separation began to appear. Imagine that you were offered to make a film about your relationship. What would you call it? Come up with a poster and a short overview for it. Tell us about the real reason for the breakup. Is the reason for the breakup related to your professional development or that of your partner?
- Analyze the breakup carefully. When did you realize that you came to your senses, but everything inside hurt? If your partner was the initiator of the breakup, then the realization came much later. Describe in detail how you felt then. Make a list of reasons why you broke up. Imagine writing a letter to your ex-partner. Express to him all the rage, pain and suppressed emotions, do not skimp on words. Next, you can describe your feeling of guilt. This can be not only self-flagellation, but also manipulation on your part, unpleasant words and actions with which you tried to provoke aggression and anger in your ex-partner. This text will help you understand your shortcomings and mistakes. Now you can write a letter to your ex-partner expressing gratitude for everything he has done. This will help cope with feelings of guilt. Finally, dedicate a few lines to yourself. You must forgive yourself in order to move on with your life.
- Write a thank you letter to your ex. Remember all the good things that happened during your union.
- Reassess reality. Think carefully about what you want from the future? What kind of person do you want to see next to you in the future?
Consult a psychologist or psychotherapist
If the pain does not go away for a long time, this indicates the onset of depression. If everything is falling out of your hands, you have no desire to go to work, you don’t eat for days, practically don’t move and have trouble thinking, then you need to seek help from a doctor.
You can find out about effective ways to get over a breakup in the video:
Methods for women
Many people believe that a woman is only physically weak in comparison with a man, but morally she is much more stable than men. Stereotypes of public opinion put quite a lot of pressure on women. Therefore, after a breakup, she is perceived by others and perceives herself as a victim of circumstances. Parting with a loved one is akin to a death sentence for a woman, especially if in a relationship she is accustomed to trusting and confiding rather than managing her partner. An incorrect perception of oneself, an incorrect train of thought do not allow you to calm down for a long time.
After a breakup, women usually feel like victims.
What not to do after a breakup
Many of us, under the influence of emotions, commit stupid and thoughtless actions, which we later regret very much. These include the following.
Looking for casual sex
Intimacy with a stranger will not only not bring relief, but will also worsen the condition. The reason for the desire to have sex is considered withdrawal. The brain needs a source of the hormone oxytocin, so we begin to look for a person to comfort us.
If the animal instinct cannot be overcome, then I recommend not getting drunk before sexual intercourse. Alcoholic drinks are a depressant. Instead of a bright orgasm, you will feel a strong resentment towards your ex-partner and a sense of guilt, and the next morning you will have a headache and other symptoms of a hangover will appear. Also, do not forget about contraception.
Blackmail
Don't bully your ex or try to emotionally blackmail him. This is mean and low. If a person really feels guilty, he will not respond to your attacks and besiege you.
Don't build new relationships
By building new relationships, some people try to immediately forget past love. Sometimes it really helps. But in most cases, the relationship will be short-lived and lead to new disappointments.
Don't force your friends to make a choice
Don't give people you communicate with ultimatums. They won't like it. If your ex-partner treated you poorly, used physical force, and your friends continue to communicate well with him and accept his position, then think about whether it is worth maintaining friendly relations with them.
What to do if your soul hurts?
The word "psychotherapy" can be divided into "psycho", which means "soul", the substance that, according to most religious and mystical beliefs, lies at the core of the human being , and "therapy", which is equivalent to the word "cure".
Therefore, it can be translated as “healing the soul.”
Also, mental illnesses are often called “mental illnesses” , and mentally ill people are called mentally ill.
And when a person says that his soul hurts, it means that his mental state is not okay, he feels discomfort that interferes with his life.
The soul most often hurts for the following reasons:
- Concerns about loved ones. If a loved one (friend, loved one, relative, child) is sick, in a difficult situation, lost, this will invariably cause strong, painful anxiety, which is very difficult to cope with, in the people who care about him. Also, the soul may hurt if something happened to a beloved pet.
- Psychotraumatic situations. These include all negative situations that caused a strong emotional response and left a deep mark: unexpected job loss, one or more acute episodes of violence (rape, beating, humiliation), death of a loved one, miscarriage, and so on.
- Difficulties related to love and friendship. Parting with a loved one, especially at the stage when the influence of love hormones is most powerful, can cause extremely painful experiences. Losing communication with a friend who meant a lot can also be very painful.
- Features of the human psyche. Some people are inherently hypersensitive, and events that would have little effect on others will make them feel bad.
There are many ways that can help a person quickly soothe mental pain. But you should understand that not all conditions can be treated on your own.
If a person makes every effort to feel better, but his condition remains virtually unchanged, he should consult a psychotherapist.
Advice for those who have pain in their souls:
- Try to distract yourself. This may be too difficult, but you need to try to overcome yourself. Analyze the situation and ask yourself questions. Can you influence her right now? Have you done everything that depended on you? If you answered yes to both questions, then you should realize that you can’t do anything more, and do something that will at least a little postpone your worries.
- Let off some steam. Hit a pillow, throw a ball at a wall, talk to the person who is in the access zone, do some active physical exercises (running, jumping in place, fighting an invisible opponent, swinging your arms and legs, and so on).
- Turn to religion if you are a believer. Prayers and visiting temples can really help believers. If your situation allows, read prayers that seem appropriate to you, perform rituals that exist in your religion, visit a temple (synagogue, mosque), talk with a priest.
- Do what has always given you peace. Each person has their own calming rituals. For example, taking a bath (you can add herbs, sea salt, bombs) to the water, a shower, a walk, reading books, watching your favorite movies, talking with a loved one, physical activity, or a hobby can help you feel better.
- Be patient. If you cannot influence the situation in any way that is causing mental pain, but you understand that it should get better over time, try to convince yourself that you need to wait.
- Eat something if you feel hungry, and try to rest if you are tired. Hunger and fatigue can significantly aggravate mental pain and increase anxiety. If you can’t eat a full meal, still try to swallow at least something (it’s good if it’s food with plenty of carbohydrates). It is better to make all important decisions when you have rested and eaten.
Sedatives (medicines based on motherwort, valerian root, mint, lemon balm, St. John's wort) can also reduce mental pain and help you feel better.
But the most lasting effect will be achieved if you take them daily for at least several weeks. To select the optimal dosage, it is important to consult a doctor .
How to forget your ex-partner
On psychology forums you can find a number of simple recommendations that will help you forget about past relationships.
Removal from all social networks
Many people, after breaking up, begin to actively monitor the accounts of their former partners. Some do this in the hope of finding signs that they miss him, others are sarcastic and gloat. Accept that a person has begun a different life. Delete your correspondence and clear your feed. Don't forget that the more energy and time you spend on your ex, the longer you'll be stuck in the dark.
Return of all items and gifts
This measure will help you get over a breakup with your husband or wife faster. If your ex-partner refused to take the things, then give them to those in need or simply throw them away. You can break them or burn them, then emotionally it will become a little easier for you.
Trying to stay friends
You may not maintain a good relationship with your ex-partner even if you have shared property or children. Listen to your heart, not to the advice of others. Staying friends is considered a completely normal decision, albeit a difficult one.
Respect each other
One of the main rules after a breakup. Even though you feel like saying something harsh, try to hold back and take a deep breath or even several. Think about why you are overwhelmed with emotions and why you can barely cope with them. You may be able to find the reason, and that will make it easier. When you are both ready to talk, first of all discuss the reasons for the end of the relationship and what to do in the future.
Keep your distance
Try to accept the fact that you are no longer together. It may take a long time to build new boundaries in communicating with each other. If your ex-partner considers himself guilty and tries to atone for his guilt with material or physical help, you should not sit on his neck and encourage such actions.
You can learn more about how to forget your ex-girlfriend in the video:
What girls should absolutely not do
Not recommended:
- Discussing your ex-love in the company of a girlfriend and alcohol. It is contraindicated to distract yourself with alcohol; you risk doing something stupid and forever losing your status as a balanced, adequate, worthy girl.
- Scandal, humiliate yourself, follow a man, stalk him with another girl, manipulate poor health, pregnancy and children. What will this give you other than shame? This also includes angry posts on social networks: the whole universe should not immediately find out about the breakup of your relationship and about “what assholes men are.”
- “Knock out a wedge with a wedge.” Trying to immediately start a relationship with another man will not lead to anything good. The very first comparisons of a new acquaintance with your dear and close man will clearly be in favor of your ex, and you will again be disappointed in life. What will be the fault of your “replacement”? Have you thought about the guy's feelings? Playing with the heart of a new acquaintance is immoral and dangerous for the woman herself.
Scandals during separation will only worsen the situation
Develop yourself
If a person stops in his development, stops being interested in new things and learning something, he gradually degrades. Find yourself a new hobby, read good and wise books, sign up for some courses or trainings, improve your skills in the professional field. This will not only contribute to your development, but will also distract you from sadness and melancholy. Such activities will also increase your self-esteem, which will have a positive effect on your mood.
Whatever happens in your life, remember that everything depends on you. A person has enormous potential and is able to cope with difficult circumstances. If you can’t get out of a depressed state and mental pain on your own, seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.
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How to survive a breakup with a loved one: advice from a psychologist
Psychologist's advice for women
Stage 1. “Throw out” your emotions outward. No matter how strange it may be, it will be more beneficial to suffer at first. Take time off from work. You won’t be able to get caught up in your work – there’s a chance you’ll make a lot of mistakes. During this period, it is better to rest. It will be easier to survive the breakup after you are sad alone with yourself, take a walk alone in the park in the morning when there are not too many people, or cry and let your best friend listen to you. This process will allow you to “empty yourself” and create space for new feelings. Now the main thing is to feel the situation
But here it is important to set strict deadlines for “depression”, otherwise you can fall into the trap of negative emotions for a long time. Everything is good in moderation!
Stage 2
“Burn all your bridges.” Probably the hardest part. It’s not for nothing that our ancestors said, “Out of sight, out of mind.” At first, you are especially tempted to call/write to the person you broke up with. Most people agree on one thing - you need to get rid of everything that connected you with your loved one. To begin with, it will be useful to delete all correspondence (SMS messages, dialogues on social networks). It’s also worth adding to blacklists and unsubscribing from updates. After a breakup, many people get rid of all the gifts from their loved ones - and in most cases this helps quite quickly. But there are so-called force majeure circumstances. For example, you and your ex-other half work together. What then? Quitting what you love and looking for something new is not an option. Try to avoid communicating with this person for at least a month. Psychologists have proven that it is precisely this period that can develop immunity and subsequently it will be much easier to communicate.
Stage 3. Do not refuse moral support. It would be appropriate to contact a psychologist in this situation. Sessions with a specialist can easily replace evening gatherings with girlfriends/friends. This will help you gradually return to normal life.
Stage 4. Appearance is everything. In most cases, the pain of separation is reflected in appearance. And not in the best way. Lack of sleep and stress immediately manifest themselves in the form of dark circles under the eyes and a tired look. And many people completely forget about taking care of themselves. Hence the untidy appearance. You must never forget about yourself! Proper makeup, hairstyle, manicure and a properly selected wardrobe must be present in the image of any self-respecting woman. And it doesn’t matter at what age the bitterness of parting struck, even at 19, even at 40 years old.
Breaking up is a great thing. It always seems to give more than it takes away. Sam Rockwell
Psychologist's advice for men
- Stage 1. Time spent with friends will help you get over a breakup quickly.
A man begins to focus on one thing when he is not passionate about anything. Unlike women, it is the company of friends that is important to them, and not a personal psychologist in the person of one. - Step 2: Exercise.
Regular trips to the gym will help you “throw out” the accumulated adrenaline. In the stronger sex, emotions of anger are formed much faster and in greater quantities. Accordingly, they need to be directed in a peaceful direction. - Stage 3: Be fully immersed in your work.
Men are able to immerse themselves in work, while distracting themselves from heavy thoughts. The work will only be beneficial.
Features of separation
Each person experiences separation differently, but for many the process is similar. It is possible to highlight the features of the emotional side of the process, knowing which will help alleviate suffering.
Boy
A young man, faced with love failure for the first time, experiences separation hard. Due to the traumatic shock of the experience, he goes through all stages of suffering in a particularly acute form. If the experience of first love is unsuccessful, it affects self-esteem and makes the guy withdrawn. Young men go through emotional pain in silence, trying not to show their true feelings, and because of this they suffer longer. Here's how to bounce back after a breakup:
- allow yourself to feel emotions and live them;
- talk with friends and loved ones;
- do not rush into new relationships;
- more often distract yourself from painful thoughts.
It’s easier to get through a difficult stage with the support of friends, so you shouldn’t close yourself off from the outside world. Heartfelt conversations, a positive attitude and new life goals are 3 components of a painless and quick recovery from failed love.
Young woman
Girls know how to cope with emotions after a breakup. Because they can express their pain without embarrassment, they are able to move through the suffering phase more quickly. But a breakup, especially one initiated by a guy, is a serious blow to self-esteem
To recover from it, it is important for a girl to believe in herself and her attractiveness again
Husband
Separating from his wife is no less a psychological trauma for an adult man than for a woman. But due to their characteristics, representatives of the stronger sex do not show the emotions that rage inside. The awareness of irrevocability, as well as the acceptance of new opportunities that this event opens up, will help ease the pain of parting. Even if the union was happy, this does not mean that nothing more enchanting will happen in the future.
To distance himself from pain and suffering, a man should direct his energy in a creative direction. If you have children together after your last marriage, then spending time with them will help dull the pain. Friends, colleagues and acquaintances are people who can help during difficult times.
Wife
Having dedicated her life to her husband, and then faced with separation, a woman does not immediately accept reality. Denial of facts and attempts to change everything, to return a loved one - this is a normal phenomenon, one of the stages. It will not be possible to separate from your husband completely painlessly, so it is worth adopting techniques that will help at least reduce the intensity of suffering.
For a woman who has lost her relationship with her husband, the support of friends is important. This requires communication. After a divorce, you also need to find new goals and guidelines, reconsider your plans and development vectors, and this requires in-depth analysis
It is important to be able to maintain a balance between these two main areas, which will help you learn to live after a divorce without repeating the mistakes of the past
Lover
A special drama in a man’s life happens when his mistress leaves him or he himself leaves a relationship that is built on deception. The pain of separation is accompanied by feelings of guilt and difficulties associated with restoring harmony in the family. Understanding personal responsibility for your happiness and the well-being of loved ones will help you cope.
Mistress
Relationships in a love triangle are the most fragile. But still, a mistress who is not legally connected to a man also experiences the pain of a breakup. It’s a good idea to prepare yourself for the fact that the connection will end sooner or later, since going through a breakup with a married man is much more difficult. If the romance is over, then it’s time to reconsider your position in life and devote yourself to finding a long-term and healthy relationship that will bring true happiness without deception.
How to survive the pain of breakup
It always becomes very painful when remembering a loved one. Try not to return to those memories when your loved one was nearby. The mind will constantly return you to the past; it is not ready to accept what happened. In such situations, your mind becomes a monster, tormenting you again and again, taking you back to the past, tormenting you with doubts, filling you with resentment, blinding you with anger. Therefore, in order not to provoke the mind, get rid of everything that reminds you of the person. Remove photos, delete his phone number, messages, hide his gifts away.
Time always heals, and after a few months you will look at things differently. Any souvenir can become a bright memory of pleasant moments that once happened. But it’s up to you to decide whether to get rid of everything forever or just put it in a distant drawer.
