Many people at some point in their lives begin to wonder why I don’t have friends. At such moments, a person begins to remember that in his life there has been no such friend for a long time, to whom he could turn in the most difficult life situations, because family and friends cannot always help. As a rule, people who have crossed the 30-40 year mark begin to think about this, because young people usually have no problems meeting someone and making new friends.
Over the years, it becomes more and more difficult for mature people to make new acquaintances.
Understand Loneliness and Shyness
Loneliness and shyness can cause misunderstandings and misinterpreted feelings. Understanding the correct meanings of loneliness and shyness is the key to overcoming them.
Loneliness, for example, is nothing more than a signal created by your body when you are not experiencing any social connection. This signals to you that the need for social connection is as important as food or drink.
If you misunderstand the state of loneliness, you can get stuck in it for no reason, especially when you have no friends and don't know how to deal with it.
On the other hand, Shyness is the fear of social criticism. Let me say it again: this is the fear of social criticism.
In other words, shyness is simply the fear of something that might happen but probably won't.
If you misunderstand shyness and therefore hide or withdraw from people, they will likely interpret it as you rejecting them.
Even if your intentions are good and you are simply avoiding rejection out of shyness, people may misinterpret these actions as an insult to their value. This may make them think that you are snobbish or vain, and they, in turn, will begin to reject you.
Olga, 32 years old, manager
You can make friends in the office, but it’s unlikely that you will make real friends. Close communication with colleagues lasts only as long as you are connected by work. And as soon as someone quits or simply moves to another department, the friendship ends. I know a lot of such examples. While people work together, they are almost friends with families - they go to visit each other, to restaurants and cafes in the evenings. And as soon as they are no longer connected by a common cause, they forget the name of their former friend. It is for this reason that I try not to have overly warm relationships with colleagues. Due to my character, I become attached to people very quickly. And when the friendship ends, I feel hurt and offended. I already had a similar experience. At work I became friends with a girl. The relationship was great, it seemed quite natural for me to continue communicating even after I quit. At first, I often called my friend and offered to meet, but she constantly refused. I realized that our communication had become a burden to her and she didn’t know how to get rid of me. It was very unpleasant for me to feel that I was intruding. In addition, I was constantly haunted by the feeling that I was thrown into the trash after I stopped being useful to my ex-girlfriend. In general, I was very worried then and for quite a long time. I don't want such disappointments anymore.
Masterful Conversation and Social Skills
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Conversation is the lifeblood of social connection. If you master it, you will get all the friends and influence you want.
One important factor is the ability to carry on a conversation. To do this, you need to learn to be interested in others and ask them questions about yourself.
You also want to find a way to connect and intelligently discuss the topic of conversation. Finding that common ground in conversation is what will ensure people want to spend more time with your company.
If you're looking for more helpful ways to improve your social skills, check out this article:
Mikhail, 45 years old, economist
Friendships at work have one very unpleasant side. If you have a warmer relationship with someone than just a friend, from time to time you will have to fulfill small and large requests. And after one of the friends does something for the other, the latter will gradually begin to sit on his neck. Unfortunately, there are no completely pure relationships at work. In the office, people always have something to share. There is competition, so sooner or later one of the friends will begin to manipulate his friend. This is human nature: if there is an opportunity to benefit at the expense of another, this opportunity will definitely be taken advantage of. So personally, I prefer not to have too close contacts at work. This makes life much easier - I don’t owe my colleagues anything, they don’t owe me anything either, so minor disagreements are resolved calmly, without unnecessary emotions, so to speak, in a businesslike manner. But I can relax in another place. I have many friends outside of work, and I have enough time to communicate with them. It seems to me that only very lonely people, who have no one to talk to except their co-workers, try to be friends with their colleagues. I’m not one of those people, so I get along just fine without friends in the office.
Learn to make friends and build your social circle
The first thing you need to know about making friends is skill. It's not something you're born with, as many people like to believe.
Making friends is not a magical ability that only some people have. It's a learned skill. Most of us learned how to make friends when we were little, but many of us have to learn a new skill to make friends with adults.
To do this, you need to find groups of people who meet regularly and have interests similar to your own. You also need to learn to find commonalities with these people beyond your first common interest in order to turn your new acquaintances into friends.
If you feel like you are connecting with a person, meet them once or twice in a social setting. If all goes well, you should meet with them regularly to maintain and strengthen the connection.
The benefits that come with making new friends
Very often it turns out that a friendship that began in school or even earlier and lasted for many years suddenly ends. This happens because friends run out of common interests, and they simply have nothing to talk about.
Every person is constantly interested in something, and from time to time these interests change. In adulthood, he is no longer interested in what worried him during his school or student years, so something new appears in his life. And new interests also attract a new circle of acquaintances, among whom there will definitely be someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Over time, such an ordinary acquaintance based on interests can develop into a large and strong friendship. But friendship in adulthood and friendship among young people are significantly different from each other. In youth, friendship means hanging out together, but in adulthood, a person begins to appreciate the very fact that he has friends and value such a friend with whom you can share any problem and know that a friend, even if not in action, will always provide moral support.
Final thoughts
These are all skills that you can learn to do. It's not that difficult when you know how to do it. You can continue to make good friends no matter your age.
Once you've made a few friends, the next step is to introduce them to each other. If you do this, you will arrive at what we call a social circle: a good circle of friends who works with you to make plans, introduces new people to the group, and creates amazing experiences for you to enjoy together.
Once you have a good circle of friends, you are no longer the only one trying to improve your social life. Your close friends will help you too!
What are the causes of the phenomenon?
The main reasons for this phenomenon are the following:
- Family and career. These are the very first factors due to which friends are relegated to the background. This happens because a modern person devotes most of his time to career growth, and in the evening, after returning from work, he tries to devote more time to everyday life, his significant other and children; as a result, there is simply no time left for anything else. And, as a result, there are no friends, there are only relatives, colleagues and business partners. This situation applies to both men and women.
- Moving. When moving to another city or country, an old friend remains somewhere far away, meetings become very rare, and eventually stop altogether. All that remains is communication by phone and on social networks.
- Different interests. Very often, close friends appear in very early childhood (kindergartens, schools). But over time, children grow up, interests change, which often differ from the interests of a friend.
- Diffidence. Many people are naturally very shy and lack self-confidence, hence the problems with making friends. It is always difficult for a person who is not sociable and shy to take the first step; they constantly expect this from others.
The child in kindergarten has no friends
Most often, it is not the child himself who worries about the child’s lack of friends in kindergarten, but his mother. And mother’s experiences, as a rule, are associated with insufficient knowledge of child psychology.
Mothers who are worried about their child’s lack of friends in kindergarten should know that young children are still learning to communicate, their sympathies are still very unstable and are often influenced by purely external aspects (a bright dress, earrings, shoes with bows). Therefore, today a preschooler can say that his best friend is Kiryusha, tomorrow he is Pasha, and the day after tomorrow he is Olya. More stable mutual sympathies in preschool children appear only in the seventh year of life.
You should only be wary if the children persistently reject your baby, and he is left alone almost all the time in kindergarten. Then you should talk with teachers and a psychologist, since the reason may be speech or behavior disorders in the child, lack of play skills or communication skills appropriate for age.
You're playing up the drama
If you like to stir up trouble, then it is logical that communicating with you will not bring people any pleasure. If you blame others and can't keep secrets, then you will probably have a very hard time convincing everyone why they should stay with you.
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Irina, 35 years old, administrator
I have a friend whom I found at work. Now we work in different places, but we still have excellent relationships. We often call each other and meet. And I always remember with nostalgia the time when we worked together. Back then I went to work like it was a holiday. I knew that, despite the abundance of tasks and hassle, I would have a good time in the office. If I need advice or just want to take a break, I can always relax in good company. After all, we spend most of our lives at work, and we want to feel comfortable in the office. And if relationships with colleagues do not work out, work turns into complete hard labor. I can’t say that now I have no contact with my colleagues - I’m not in a quarrel with anyone, I have company to drink tea or chat a little, but there is no real friendship, and this makes me a little sad. There is no one to share my innermost thoughts with, I can’t discuss my bosses - I’m not sure that my current colleagues won’t report me to the boss, despite our friendship.
Oleg, 52 years old, engineer
I try to make friends at any job. Firstly, I believe that friends are never superfluous. The more close people you have, the better! And secondly, in our time it is almost impossible to get a job without good friends. Every time I moved to a new place, I was recommended by one of the former colleagues with whom we became friends while working together. And I myself have helped my friends with employment more than once. It’s easier for me this way: I want people to work with me on whom I can rely, who will definitely not let me down. So every time I change jobs, I little by little begin to “entice” my team to a new place. With good people, work goes much faster, everyone understands each other perfectly, no one starts conflicts out of the blue.
Nina, 40 years old, accountant
I believe that at work you need to work, and not waste time on empty talk. It takes too much time to maintain friendships, and I can't afford to endlessly drink tea and gossip about my bosses and colleagues. This is probably why my colleagues consider me unsociable. But my career moves much faster than those with a large number of friends. Many people are surprised how I manage to do everything. There is no secret here - I don’t go on half-hour smoke breaks with my girlfriends and don’t drink tea at the buffet for several hours in a row. That’s why my work is always done on time, and I leave home on time without staying up late.
Acquaintances, friends, but not friends
I understand that this situation is familiar to many of our contemporaries. There is a fairly large circle of friends, but there are no truly close people. However, don't be upset. After all, true friendship, like love, is one for life. It is difficult to meet a person who is truly close spiritually. Moreover, it can be difficult to share your secrets even with relatives, not to mention a person you don’t know much. This problem is often faced by suspicious, distrustful and impressionable natures, because they are afraid that their secret will become public knowledge. Often, such fear is completely justified, and it is especially great if the person has already been betrayed. However, do not despair, because for the most part people are good, no one is intentionally intending to offend you.
