Breaking up is always painful. Each of us, one way or another, has encountered this. It’s good if people after breaking up can communicate with each other, visit their children and not become depressed. But it also happens the other way around. How to deal with this?
Many marriages don't end suddenly, they happen gradually. People begin to move away from each other, and this is not immediately noticeable, but manifests itself in some little things, everyday issues, personal ones. Be that as it may, divorce is a difficult stage in the life of every person; many people want to get their loved one back, but this does not always work out.
Whatever the reason, if your marriage isn't working out, you're likely feeling a range of strong emotions: depression, sadness, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear of an uncertain future, loneliness, confusion about the many decisions you have to make , and a feeling of failure about your lost plans and dreams.
Divorce is, of course, a serious decision, as it will affect your future fate, and, importantly, the fate of your loved ones too.
What to do if you can’t cope with resentment?
In this case, if you allow yourself to grieve and constantly be in a dejected state, then you will suffer for a very long time. Let go of your pain. Try to look at this situation as one of the ways to reconsider your abilities and make changes in your life that will be necessary for you in the future.
However, before making such a serious decision as separation, ask yourself whether you have done everything to save your marriage. It is better if two spouses or lovers work on this issue. Try sitting down calmly with your spouse and discussing the situation? Have you tried counseling, individually or as a couple? Have you talked to a psychologist, social worker, pastor, or trusted family friend who can provide the necessary environment to work through this issue? If you have children, consider the impact your decision will have on them. And never sacrifice them!
Advice from a crisis psychologist during divorce
For most people, it's a shock when the connection breaks down. Even if you think that you have already tried everything and nothing has changed, the decision you made to break up will remain with you for a long time. It may take several months before you actually start to sink. During this time, people often cannot find themselves, fantasizing about reunion and reconciliation or about responsibilities and mutual recriminations.
Understanding why your relationship could not be saved is the first step towards recovery. Many people ask the question: who is to blame? What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? It's understandable to ask yourself these questions, but a more constructive approach is to focus on relationships rather than individual responsibility.
This might be more helpful when you think about these kinds of questions:
- How were things when we first met?
- What attracted us to each other?
- What made our relationship good?
- How have we changed?
- What external factors influenced our relationship?
- What prevented us from overcoming our differences?
Although the answers may be disappointing, the faster the understanding comes, the easier it will be for you to let it go and move on. During this time, you will experience many emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, despair and confusion; you can expect good days and bad days. On top of the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship, there are many practical issues.
Divorce - advice from a crisis psychologist
Criticism and care
The most painful thing in a relationship is criticism. It is in close relationships that there is more criticism than in any other. This is because behind criticism there is always love and interest in a person . We often perceive criticism addressed to us painfully, but at the same time we want to “improve” the condition/position of another person with our comments.
You won’t be able to get rid of comments forever, but you can transform them into requests, into concern, into friendly advice. The difference between them is that you ask/advise only once. Unlike comments that can pour in endlessly. If you are afraid that you may not be heard, before you speak, warn that it is important to remain heard.
Next, your partner will take the steps.
As for grievances and accusations. It is difficult for men to understand what a woman is offended by. But he hears in his address - you are so and so. The reaction is to close down, defend yourself, attack back, leave. When the vector is directed to YOUR feelings from the situation that happened (which led you to a deplorable state), your partner will no longer perceive this as criticism addressed to him. But he will understand that you felt bad at that moment.
That is, not – “You did/said the wrong thing, the wrong thing”, but “I felt this way because of THAT.....I feel bad when this happens to me...”
It is very important to speak out the accumulated emotions, and not hide them deep down, transforming them into resentment. And find ways to TOGETHER not return to this, but move on.
This skill alone will save your couple for many years.
Watch the webinar recording “How can a mother stay happy? Setting priorities" (free in ViLine.Club)
Relationships with friends and relatives?
This issue sometimes becomes very painful for a separating couple. Many begin to manipulate their partner in every possible way: they forbid their children to communicate with their husband’s relatives, they themselves behave disgustingly towards them, and they break off all ties with mutual friends. As a rule, our emotions are behind all this, and the main task during a divorce is to learn to manage them, otherwise you may be left completely without friends or the support of your family. After all, no one knows what else life has in store for you, and the most important thing is that you can undermine your authority in front of children who are not to blame for your adult problems, and love both dad and mom equally.
For my clients, I suggest that before you start thinking about divorce or separation, you make sure that you have taken all reasonable steps to make sure your marriage is saved. Discuss issues with a therapist and make sure you focus on the relationship and how each of you behaves, rather than on who is to blame. In helping my clients, I have found that setting short-term goals, cognitive therapy combined with traditional psychotherapy, is a very effective way to overcome all the difficulties associated with a breakup.
Here are some actionable tips to follow to make it easier to cope with a separation or divorce.
- Don't isolate yourself from people.
- Build your support group.
- Take care of your health and the health of your children.
- Provide a balanced diet.
Relationship crisis - advice from a psychologist
Reasons for divorce
Before you try to save a relationship, think about why the marriage stopped pleasing your partners. After all, there are ways to forget about what divorce is, and even options on how to avoid it, but if the cause is not eradicated, the situation will repeat itself. During divorce court, the most common reasons are:
- The betrayal of one spouse is not only recent, but also happened two or three years ago. The initiator of divorce is often a man who is not ready to forgive his wife for his infidelity. Women bring the case to court only if the betrayal happened repeatedly or mutually.
- Lack of trust in a couple - a feeling that arose on the basis of previous actions, mutual or one-sided insults. More often than not, girls say this reason is significant. Guys use the argument as a concomitant change in relationships after establishing the fact of their spouse’s infidelity.
- Sexual dissatisfaction is the second most popular reason among men after infidelity. Women more often use an argument as an accompanying one to offend their spouse and accuse them of male impotence.
- Inconsistency of interests and life goals. For this reason, marriages under two years of age are more likely to break up. At the moment they met, the partners did not carefully examine each other, and after marriage they realized that they were striving for different goals.
READ How to save a family on the verge of divorce: advice from a psychologist
This list presents the most common reasons for starting a divorce, however, in a number of situations, partners do not speak openly about the reasons.
Exercises and games to relieve stress
Pray, meditate or practice relaxation, whatever suits you best.
Learn to cope with stress. There are many good books you can read to help you cope with stress, and you may also find some useful information about relaxation techniques. Contact your local library and bookstore.
Avoid making important decisions until your life is more stable. Some decisions must be made quickly, such as housing and school activities for the children and, if you are not working, getting a job. However, you may be putting off many decisions until the dust settles.
Remember the old saying, “The morning is wiser than the evening.” Give yourself time to heal.
Remember that it is normal to feel insecure and afraid when life changes. But with approximately fifty percent of marriages ending in divorce, you are far from alone—there are now ever-expanding counseling networks and support groups.
Children and divorce
Once again I would like to return to the question: children and divorce.
No matter how we try to protect them from everything bad, they are also people who know how to feel.
Always remember that children may be resilient, but their armor only appears strong. Children know more, see more and hear more than you think. If staying together is creating an emotionally unsettling situation for them, separation may be the best option and is undoubtedly one of the most difficult times to be a parent, but your children need to know what's going on. You may think that protecting them is hiding the seriousness of the situation, but in reality it scares children and they may stop trusting you.
The amount of information you give them will depend on their age, but they should be encouraged to ask as many questions as they need. Remember, you don't have to hide your feelings to convince them that they are loved. In fact, it will help them understand their own emotions and feel good about themselves.
When you talk to your children about separation, it is important to be honest and not criticize your significant other. Most kids and teenagers want to know why their lives are upset. Depending on the age of your children and the reason for the separation, this may require some diplomacy. The older children are, the more information is likely to be needed.
Get expert help for you and/or your children whenever you need it. You will be faced with many legal and emotional issues, along with divorce, and may need professional help. For legal questions, please consult an attorney. If you are experiencing severe emotional distress, contact your family doctor or psychologist.
How to communicate after an incident
The main principle when divorce proceedings begin is to remain calm. Don't waste each other's time and nerves. If the desire to return your family is strong, then act. If it is not there, leave the situation as it is.
READ How to tell your wife about divorce: preparation and advice from a psychologist
Mistakes that spouses make during divorce:
- mutual insults;
- blackmail by children;
- manipulation of general business, property, transport;
- public scenes of jealousy or humiliation;
- ignoring;
- creating the illusion that everything remains the same.
None of these steps will lead to an improvement in the situation, but will only worsen the consequences.
How to survive a painful divorce process and move on?
Many of us know what it feels like when he or she doesn't want to have sex with you, all the romance is gone. When your partner talks to you and doesn't look you in the eyes, you think they are cheating on you. Headaches and excuses become more and more consistent, children, dogs, cats, fish, relatives, bills, weather, everything is wrong, and this becomes a motive for quarrels. Your spouse prefers the Internet, friends or television to you. You experience anxiety, anger, lack of sleep, low self-esteem, and cry. Conclusion: your relationship is over. What to do?
What kills love? Natalya Tolstaya.
Use these recommendations and it will become much easier for you:
- Coping with pain.
Seek God and start believing. Start going to church, talk to a good friend about your situation, if you have money, start seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist (individually); talk to church leadership and ask for their help and prayers needed in this situation. Prepare your children, let them know that you are not sleeping in the same room with daddy for such and such a reason, be positive and remain calm and the pain will gradually subside.
- Let's not forget about our parental responsibilities.
If you're married to someone else, or got pregnant, or got addicted to something and lost your marriage because of it, or have a terrible temper and now you've lost a loved one, please don't take it out on the kids,” it's not their fault. Play with them, love them, take them to the park, be honest with them about the reasons for your breakup (no details needed), just love, love, love, and lots of kisses because they are innocent
- No depression!
Whatever happened to you, leave it in the past and you will immediately start to feel better, solve your problems (internal and external), go to the gym, find new friends, if you need to cry, go to a very remote and secluded place, and scream about all your pains. Never let your children see you cry! Scream whenever necessary, don't lock these feelings inside, smile, smile, smile, live, live, live, and most importantly: breathe!
- Change yourself and everything around you.
If your appearance has not changed until now, it will never change. • When people want change, they do it. Alignment of life goals can take up to about six months. Regulate your expenses and bills, find a new place to live, not so far and not so close, never try to get the relationship back, it will put you in a more difficult situation.
- Method: Funeral.
If you try, but find it very difficult to forget a person, try the funeral method. Gather everything you know and remember about him into your thoughts and “bury” it.
- We are moving forward all the time.
If you have already suffered from a collapse, have been at a dead end, start taking care of yourself, go on a diet, do exercises to become more beautiful for yourself first of all, and not because your ex wants it or wanted it, but in order to build new relationships on the site dating, for example. It really works! Don't have sex with anyone to get over your exes, but don't go without sex completely or it might drive you crazy!
Always expect heaven's blessing. God loves you, he wants you to be truly happy. Enjoy life, be open to new relationships. The day you stop judging your ex and comparing everyone to him will be the day you heal.
Save marriage or save love?
How to avoid divorce
Discord in the family can arise for various reasons, ranging from financial difficulties to simple misunderstanding. After conflicts have arisen, the desire to save the family is feasible, but this is achieved only through painstaking work and analysis.
Negative moments of the past will pop up in the memory of the spouses every now and then.
In such situations, psychologists advise not to make rash decisions and immediately file for divorce. We need to try to resolve the conflict and save the family.
Thanks to the advice of experts, the chances of maintaining the union increase significantly.
How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?
Reasons for divorce
Happiness is a concept without clear boundaries, and each family has its own criteria. Therefore, there are many reasons for separation.
But the main ones can be grouped according to the following criteria:
- Behavioral reasons, for example, assault scandals,
- Material reasons, for example, lack of finances, debts of one of the partners,
- Family conflicts,
- Psychological motives, for example, loss of love or intimate attraction.
70% of divorces are due to selfishness
Naturally, each case of divorce is an individual, personal story of the couple. But if we reduce all the reasons to a common denominator, then the main one lies in the inability to put one’s interests slightly lower than family ones. Pride sometimes prevents even the strongest union from surviving.
Is it worth the fight?
There is no need to draw hasty conclusions when a conflict arises, threatening your other half with divorce. Stormy emotions are the first thing to let go. After all, they are the ones who prevent you from thinking soberly at the moment.
You can relive with your chosen one favorable moments, the courtship process and other positive events that remain in your memory for a long time. Warm feelings will put your thoughts in order and put you in a constructive mood. It is necessary to think about where the old warm feelings went, and whether it is worth destroying what binds the couple for the sake of some kind of quarrel.
However, if you have come to the conclusion that the motivation for preserving the family is fear of a new life or unfounded beliefs, then divorce is most likely the best way out of the situation.
Watch the video. How to save a family? Reasons for divorce.
After betrayal
Unfortunately, no one is immune from a spouse’s betrayal. After this, every person has a natural question: is it worth reconciling after the betrayal of the other half?
If the betrayals were regular, then there is no point in saving the family, because this will continue every time. If your spouse has screwed up for the first time, then you should find the strength in yourself and give him a second chance. But you should forgive only if you are sure that you will not constantly put pressure on your partner. Otherwise, strained relationships will cause even more discomfort.
Some girls are able to easily forgive betrayal. For others, such an act is the worst betrayal. The strength of the offense depends on internal moral values, and you should not overstep yourself for the sake of the cheater. You need to have the courage to let your spouse go with neutral feelings, rather than hate him for the rest of your life.
In these circumstances, it will be very difficult to save the family.
In addition to the fact that you should not remind your spouse about the mistake, it is important to find wisdom within yourself and begin to take steps towards improving your life together. If you have forgiven your partner, then for further harmony in the family, efforts must be made by both.
For the sake of the child
Naturally, children want to grow up in a full-fledged family, where dad and mom love them. But if only a semblance of family remains, you shouldn’t get on the nerves of either yourself or your child. For the child, the presence of a stamp in the passport does not matter. Human relationships are much more important to him.
If each of the parents shows wisdom and pays attention to the child after the divorce, and also does not say nasty things about the ex-spouse, then this process will not negatively affect the child’s psyche.
Constant swearing causes a lot of stress to a child. It’s even worse if the family only creates the appearance of such, and the spouses constantly ignore each other.
Another mistake lies in postponing divorce until the children grow up. Time is running out, and it will be much more difficult for men and women to establish their personal lives. It will also be unpleasant for the child to learn that he became the cause of his own parents’ misfortune.
My husband wants to get a divorce, but I don’t – what should I do?
If both want to save the relationship
There are also cases when one spouse loves the other, but the situation has reached a psychological impasse; morally these two cannot be together. A family psychologist will help resolve the issue. A qualified specialist will tell you how to find the best option to solve the problem.
During a conflict, it is necessary to switch attention to the positive aspects associated with your husband. This can be painful, because feelings are now in chaos. But it is important not to let aggression and anger cloud your judgment. Therefore, it is necessary to try to remember important moments, courtship, secret meetings and what previously brought joy. Updated memories will make you forget about the negative.
A total problem in relationships is often the influence of the opinions of relatives and friends on spouses. Given the couple's precarious situation, any opinion could ruin a relationship that could have been saved. In such sensitive issues, it is best to rely only on yourself, a psychologist and your spouse.
Orthodox people claim that prayer often helps to save a family. Appeal to God is available to representatives of any faith. Communication with the higher mind can occur both in places of power and at home.
Watch the video. How to avoid divorce. Three reasons that destroy relationships.
Practical advice
The main problem of modern couples is the inability to convey information to each other. For some reason, women are sure that men are simply obliged to read minds and be the first to reach a truce in all matters.
It is important to learn to conduct a dialogue without unnecessary aggression, but calmly and directly expressing your desires. Men don't always understand hints the way women want them to. Often they see them in a completely distorted light.
When talking with your partner, you should avoid language that could offend him or touch a nerve. For example, if a girl has a complex about being overweight, there is no need to constantly focus her attention on this, even as a joke. Such humor will only speed up the breakup, and the beloved will also have an inferiority complex as a bonus. The same applies to men.
You can try to introduce a certain tradition in the family: listen carefully to your partner for 15-20 minutes a day. At the same time, it is important to try to understand what he says, build a smooth, constructive dialogue, and not call his problems stupid. This practice will strengthen the spiritual connection with your spouse.
You need to stop thinking that everything good that a partner does for another is his responsibility. He is not obliged to do good even after the stamp in his passport. You need to respond to good deeds in kind and try to thank them. Indifference will become a reason for cooling; a person will lose the desire to protect another, not seeing any return.
How to save a family after your husband cheats - advice from a psychologist.
In order to maintain a truly warm relationship, you need to become yourself. You should not adapt to the demands of your partner or his relatives. You need to learn to understand yourself and hear your inner voice, do what you like. Self-realization and understanding of your own goals is one of the keys to family happiness.
We should not forget about unhealthy behavior patterns left over from early childhood. They are often instilled by parents, and can greatly interfere with building a harmonious relationship with a spouse. A couple can figure this out on their own or with the help of a competent specialist.
It is worth contacting a psychologist when a couple is unable to find contact with each other. A specialist will help you understand the problem and suggest the right way out of the situation.
Lack of attention
Everyone expresses love differently. For some, it is important to always have their loved one nearby, while others go out of their way to provide for their family and the woman they love financially and materially.
It is because of different understandings of love that many feel a lack of attention. You probably just need to have a constructive conversation and find common ground.
Often the reason for lack of attention is its real absence. Due to personal phobias and fears, many people create a vacuum around themselves, afraid to talk about it with their loved ones. For example, a woman has a fear of touch after violence, while a man needs physical contact to feel attention.
60% of children adopt their parents' behavior
The incorrect behavior of the mother and father forms a distorted perception of the child’s feeling of love. Growing up, he begins to avoid emotional intimacy, replacing it, for example, with work. In this case, the partner will really feel the lack of attention.
Excessive control
Despite the fact that the problem of total control in a couple causes inconvenience to one of them, the reason lies in low self-esteem in both. For one partner, it manifests itself in the fear of abandonment and rejection, and for the other, in allowing personal boundaries to be violated.
The main way to resolve such conflict lies in family therapy. Only he will help if both partners really want to change something.
It is necessary to develop not only family relationships, but also the personalities of the spouses. This will help raise your self-esteem to the desired level.
Routine
If previously household chores were an unbearable burden, now there is no need to break away from social life to complete them. With proper distribution of responsibilities and their honest implementation, even after marriage you can find time for your family. If you are bored, then you should reconsider your life, and not blame your partner for creating a routine.
Most often, one of the spouses, blaming the other half, uses anger to cover up their inability to organize themselves, as well as their reluctance to develop. Infantility, fear of development and other phobias may play a role here. In any case, you need to work on yourself.
Another observation showed that the reason for the appearance of complexes and routines are unfulfilled expectations.
How to improve your relationship with your husband?
Girls who have seen enough beautiful films about love expect the same in real life. But, alas, cinema rarely coincides with reality, and you need to be able to entertain yourself on your own.
Watch the video. On the verge of divorce.
If one spouse wants a divorce
The situation is much more complicated if one of the spouses wants a divorce, but the other is against it, and there is no way to dissuade the initiator. In this case, it is possible to save the situation, but you will have to make much more effort in order to maintain the relationship at the same level.
If a woman is in a difficult situation, it is worth seeking qualified psychological help. It often happens that men, seeing their superiority, make decisions by default, not wanting to discuss them with a woman.
When it is impossible to correct the situation and avoid divorce, a psychologist will help you find the reason and protect yourself from typical mistakes in your next relationship. The specialist will also help you understand yourself and not fall into depression, as often happens after a trauma of this kind.
Sometimes there are situations when spouses drag out a conflict until divorce because of resentment.
Reluctance to make concessions and pride destroy a marriage. There's nothing wrong with being the first to step up and apologize.
Perhaps the spouse will cool down and it will be easier to establish a dialogue, talk through the problem and solve it. The more partners are open to each other, the greater the chances of maintaining the union.
Another fatal mistake when trying to save a marriage is trying to put pressure on pity. Of course, you can put pressure on your spouse with illness, a child, and other everyday issues. But this will not help restore former trust. And strained relationships and constant squabbles will bring pleasure to few people. Most likely, it will not be a family, but only the appearance of it, which will not bring happiness.
Tips for women
First, you need to understand the cause of the conflict. Knowing the female character, we can say with confidence that most ladies often like to make mountains out of molehills. You need to learn to control yourself. It will be difficult, but possible. The relationship will improve, and the woman herself will mature and feel much more confident.
Don't ignore your husband's successes. Men, like ladies, appreciate sincere, warm words. You shouldn’t go too far, but for a good reason it’s worth praising your chosen one and paying attention to his achievements.
Another problem lies in the habit of many girls to “nag” their husbands with or without reason. Men have already developed certain jokes regarding this phenomenon, which are not always pleasant for women. The ability to tactfully remain silent makes a woman much wiser in the eyes of men, and next time the husband will try not to forget to do what he promised.
The more common interests the spouses have, the better. This will help strengthen your relationship and spend more time with your loved one. At the same time, you need to focus on your personal preferences. For example, not every lady will go to play football, but why not go together and cheer for the team? The main thing is that the time spent together should be enjoyable for both of you.
You need to take care of yourself. A beautiful woman is the pride of any man. You need to love yourself, take care of your own appearance, and not be offended because a man does not want to appear with you in public. Perhaps you have simply neglected yourself, and your husband does not have the courage to say so directly.
Even after getting married, you should not lose sight of your appearance and wardrobe, because the more well-groomed a representative of the fair sex looks, the more her husband appreciates her.
You need to remain feminine. By losing this quality, you can lose respect in the eyes of a man. For the strong half of humanity, not only a family hearth is important, but also a well-groomed wife, then a man will want to return home.
How to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations?
Tips for men
It is important for men to remember the moments of the first meeting, the date, the period of courtship, how he sought the woman’s favor. It is important to realize that all this did not disappear instantly, but under the influence of gray everyday life. To avoid divorce, you need to bring the spark back into the relationship.
For women, monotony is worse than betrayal. Indeed, if the relationship is boring, and the man does not show attention for no reason, the woman will take this as a signal of an impending breakup. Pleasant little things are important for women; it is through them that they feel the progress of a relationship.
You need to talk more with your chosen one. Of course, by nature, men are less verbose, but sometimes a simple sincere conversation is very important for a woman. It is necessary to show sincere interest in the affairs and problems of your spouse. The ability to listen to a woman is especially important in a relationship; you should not ignore her words. Such moments will bring you closer.
A man should learn to be more patient. Of course, sometimes a woman can behave inappropriately in a conflict. But you need to be wiser and cool her ardor with your behavior, and not give a reason for further conflict.
There is a good tactic - respond to a rude word with a kiss or hug. Positive actions are usually stronger than negative ones, so if the husband behaves correctly, the conflict will subside very soon.
Try to get to know your beloved's friends, and not ignore them, as most husbands do. The trump card of this move is that in addition to showing sincere interest in a woman’s surroundings, you can create a loyal audience for yourself.
THIS IS INTERESTING! How to maintain peace and harmony in the family?
Thus, if the situation escalates, you can ask your friends to influence your spouse. The main thing is to prove yourself from the best side and not succumb to the charms of some who might try to take away such an enviable husband.
80% of problems can be solved through conversation
You need to try to get to the bottom of the problems, call the woman for a dialogue and find out why she doesn’t want to live together anymore. Usually difficulties lie in a banal lack of attention or constant jealousy, pressure, and so on.
It is necessary to make your spouse understand your desire to save the family, correcting the situation with small but sure steps. You can ask her for help and advice, she will appreciate it and cool down a little.
