Will there be a divorce or can the relationship be saved: how to find out and what to do

RAZVOdis.RU Divorce Psychology and divorce

Before filing for divorce, you need to think: will it really help solve the problems? Perhaps you need to make a different decision and improve family relationships.

According to many psychologists, both husband and wife are to blame.
And it doesn’t matter at all who decided to file for divorce. First of all, you need to understand that when a certain time passes after the wedding, the passion fades a little. This is normal and there is no need to see problems here. It is replaced by warm family feelings that must be preserved for life. When there is a feeling that it will not be possible to return to the previous relationship, in many cases couples decide to file for divorce without even making attempts to reanimate the departed feelings. But you shouldn’t immediately rush to extremes. Before you commit the irreparable, you need to take the first steps towards reconciliation. The wife should be the first to decide to talk to her husband if the man is indecisive. However, efforts must be made by both spouses, otherwise divorce is inevitable.

Which families are at risk: divorce statistics

According to statistics, a third of families break up. The top risk group is occupied by couples who have been married for 3-6 years and have a small child . Alas, children do not prevent separation; on the contrary, they can cause divorce.

In second place are married couples whose experience is 20-25 years. Over the years, the couple have already raised children and are looking for new life guidelines. Surprisingly, families without children break up the least often when the reason for the breakup is the desire to have their own children.

Many families are at risk of divorce. Some people have minimal chances for a happy future from the moment they get married. This includes marriages due to pregnancy or early marriages, when the partners are still too young and do not know what exactly they want from life.

Psychologists recommend not to rush to go to the registry office if lovers have been dating for a short time. Additional time will allow the couple to get to know each other better and recognize each other's shortcomings. The family will be strong when the bride and groom know what disadvantages of their other half they will have to put up with.

A good reason for divorce may be the selfish interest of the chosen one . If a woman is beautiful and charming, she will not want to keep the family together so that her lover can assert himself at her expense.

Emotional codependency also destroys the family unit . Such relationships are inherently unhealthy. Probably, in order for partners to be self-sufficient and understand what true love is, they will need the help of a psychologist.

If the basis of a family is not love, sincere feelings, it is doomed to collapse. A young lady can enjoy her husband’s status and financial condition, but over time, disappointment, anger, and irritation accumulate, which will one day burst out.

Unfortunately, today the institution of marriage is not considered inviolable. In the first years of family life, 40% of couples break up, and in the first decade - more than 60%.

Statistics say that people who got married before the age of thirty value their family more than those who got married after 30. In adulthood, it is much more difficult to adapt to the chosen one, put up with his shortcomings, give up some of his habits, and take into account only your needs, but also the needs of your loved one. It is more difficult for people over 30 to get used to the role of a family man, especially if they have had no experience of family life before.

Leave your husband or endure it. A very common situation is when a woman has been thinking about breaking up with her disgusted husband for years, but such a radical act remains only in her dreams. Taking responsibility and taking initiative can be quite difficult. Usually all women are scared by the same thoughts.

Features of helping women

Psychological assistance for a woman during divorce has its own characteristics and often turns out to be much more complex and lengthy than similar therapy for men. This is due to many aspects, primarily social ones. In our country, the “traditional family” model is highly valued, and therefore certain behavioral stereotypes are imposed on girls from an early age.

This entails many consequences, as a result of which a woman, already in adulthood, finding herself in a situation of divorce, finds herself in an endless circle of self-blame and censure from others. Both the ex-wife herself and the people around her use the following accusatory stereotypes:

• If a man cheated, then this is normal, because he is a male. If a woman cheats, then she is spoiled. Here, many analogies are usually given, either with the animal world or with household utensils and tools.
• If a man cheated, then his woman is to blame, because she was not good enough and diligent. In this case, it is not customary to blame the man, because in accordance with the first point, he is a polygamous creature and is mortally bored with one wife.
• A woman must earn money, because she is not a dependent, and at the same time do all the housework, because she is the keeper of the hearth. Fatigue, lack of time and energy - these are all excuses for lazy people.
• If a woman is abandoned by her husband, then she automatically goes into the status of a used thing, because a woman should only have one man (we turn again to point one). And after separation, the wife must commit ritual hara-kiri, because the “divorced woman” is not good enough to simply continue to enjoy life.

In addition, such a family model assumes this very family as the only and main occupation of a woman, even if she has work, hobbies and friends. Therefore, it is not surprising that after breaking up with her husband (no matter how unhealthy, toxic and painful the relationship may be), a woman is faced with the censure of others and self-accusation.

Another important point: children after divorce often remain with their mother. The feeling of overwhelming responsibility, a sudden multiple increase in workload, the label of a single mother, the fear of remaining alone and unwanted forever is a terrible stress for any woman.

Even if the feelings between partners have faded, it is extremely difficult to get out of painful experiences with such a public opinion. Almost every woman needs psychological help during divorce in order to avoid catastrophic consequences for her life and health.

A man also often needs psychological help during a divorce, but men do not have the same social pressure as women. Of course, if a man experiences severe mental suffering, symptoms of depression, or cannot come to terms with the loss of his wife, he equally needs the help of a psychologist, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

Fear of being alone

the representatives of the fair sex the desire to be the keeper of the family hearth , to take care of their husband and children, to protect and help them. The formation of psychological dependence occurs over years and it is unlikely that it will be possible to get rid of it quickly. Feelings of anxiety, apathy, lack of interest in life - these are characteristics of people who have just broken up.

In this case, it is very important to tune in to a positive wave , set yourself up for the good, believe in yourself, no matter what happens. Remember what you were interested in before marriage, gradually return to what brought you pleasure. Then life will sparkle with new colors.

It's normal to be afraid, it's a natural instinct. Don't be afraid of the prospect of being alone. It's much worse to live your whole life next to a person you don't love.

Why is a woman afraid of divorce and how to decide to take this step?

Breaking up is always difficult. To do this means to take responsibility. First of all, for your life and for the lives of your children. What prevents you from taking a step towards a different life:

1. Uncertainty about the future. Those ladies who are financially dependent on their spouse are afraid of this. Lack of housing and work aggravate the situation.
2. The hope is that the husband will come to his senses, stop drinking, partying and having sex, start earning a lot of money, giving flowers, and so on. Underline whatever applicable.
3. If it is not the husband, but the wife who has found a replacement for him, the indecision to put an end to the relationship is enhanced by a feeling of guilt or, even worse: pity.
4. The banal habit of being married prevents you from making a decision.
5. Fear of leaving children without a father.
6. Doubts that you will be able to get married again, as a result - fear of loneliness.
7. Concern about what loved ones will say. This could be your and his relatives, as well as friends and work colleagues.

Let's look at each point in detail:

Financial dependence is an important argument, but only if a woman has never done anything in her life, has neither a job nor an education and is deprived of the support of loved ones. If there is at least one item in your arsenal without a “no” particle, go for it. Just not straight away - into the quarry. Prepare the soil. Yes, it will take time, but you will prepare yourself a safety net that will make it easier to leave. Find (change) a job, get an education, solve the housing problem, ask for temporary support from loved ones.

Hoping that the faithful will magically change is, to put it mildly, naive. If you have tried all the methods to save your marriage, but nothing has changed, there is nothing more to expect except complete disappointment from life.

If the reason for the divorce is you, and pity for your husband keeps you from breaking up, think about basic respect for the person, do not humiliate him with your pity.

The concept of habit combines reluctance to change something, fear of newness and hope that everything will work out.

Staying married for the sake of children is the height of imprudence. Nobody will thank you for this. Moreover, seeing two unhappy people living in front of him every day, the child will form a distorted model of family life. Even if you have artistic abilities and play the role of happy spouses, this can only work if the children are very small.

Fear of loneliness... Ladies, who instilled this idea in you? Isn't it your husband? As soon as the feelings after the divorce process subside, you can finally take care of yourself, learn to respect yourself, cherish yourself, and when harmony comes in your soul, then the fear will recede, and you will become ready for a new relationship.

As one wise man once said, if you knew how much others don’t care about what you look like, you’d be very surprised. You can listen to the advice of older relatives, friends, and look for answers on numerous forums; you just need to make a decision by listening to your mind.

Lost time

Before breaking up, many women have thoughts that stop her from taking a decisive step and seem at least strange to others.

In a conversation with their girlfriends, they say in frustration that they spent the best years of their lives on a scoundrel. Firstly, young ladies say this out of resentment towards themselves. After all, they were the ones who once made the wrong decision. But as we know, there are no perfect people, everyone can make mistakes. There is no need to shed bitter tears over missed opportunities; what happened, happened.

What will people say

Very often, women are deterred from divorce proceedings by public opinion. They are afraid that their surroundings will not support them. Gossip behind your back and sympathetic glances have a negative impact on the situation. Only those who truly wish you well will support you, and you should not pay attention to the opinions of others.

The main thing is not to hide in a shell from your fears, you need to continuously work on them. Have a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one, and in the most difficult cases, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist.

Reasons for divorce. A set of family mistakes that you may not even think about!

The reasons for divorce vary. Few people realize that a large percentage of divorces occur due to mistakes that were made at the initial stage of family formation. I would like to tell you about a set of family mistakes that arise due to differences in the social status of husband and wife.

While you are thinking about this, I will say the main thing: As a practicing psychologist, I clearly see that in the matter of balancing the social status of spouses, modern society is openly deceiving everyone. In magazines and television programs they regularly say that significant differences between husband and wife in social status are supposedly completely unimportant. They say that the husband is a big boss and the wife is a housewife, but all this is complete nonsense, because they both wanted it. They talked about it out loud, the husband himself said that he would be satisfied with his wife being a housewife, and the wife said that she was tired of working “for her uncle”, she would be happy to cook dinners for her husband and watch TV series. Or, the wife is a mid-level manager, and the husband has a simple working specialty: driver, mechanic, plumber, window or door installer, combine operator. But all these are small things compared to the fact that they love each other and have a child. Therefore, in this married couple everything will always be only good.

I declare to you with authority: Fairy tales are good for those who cannot read or have just learned to read! If an adult begins to live by the principles that work in the fairy tales of his childhood, life will definitely punish him. Accordingly, it is important for adults, especially those who are planning to start a family or are already living in one, to understand the following:

Five main mistakes spouses make regarding social status:

Error 1 Reasons for divorce. Spouses supposedly should treat their “family halves” throughout their lives in exactly the same way as was the case at the beginning of their relationship, based on their then social status. Especially if it used to be higher than it is now. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. Let's say a guy met his future wife when he was 24 years old, he was already working in some organization, earning money. His girlfriend, at 20, was still studying at the university and did not work anywhere. The social status of their parents was similar – “state employees/middle peasants”. At this point in time, the man’s social status was objectively higher. He had the money, he provided leisure, the girl valued him very much. People started a family, fifteen years have passed. The guy remained a manager or an average government employee, but the girl made a successful career, became a big boss or a businesswoman. A man, out of old memory, considers himself to be the head of the family and demands submission from his wife in making any decisions. But the woman, based on her high recognition by others, has a different opinion on this matter. In this case, memories of past social status clearly came into conflict with harsh reality. If the husband does not raise his social status to the level of his wife (and higher), or does not learn to at least sometimes obey her, the matter may well end in divorce.

Example 2. At the time of their acquaintance, a man and a woman were in the same social status: they studied together, their parents had a similar social status. After starting a family, some remained “to work for their uncle”, another family member started doing business, organized his own business, became an owner, and objectively raised his status upward. The once equal relationship between spouses, built (in addition to love) also on equal social status, gradually began to deform. The big money began to spoil the spouse, a businessman, and the relationship began to deteriorate. If the socially superior spouse does not reduce his agility, or the socially inferior partner does not increase his status, everything can end sadly. This is because one of the couple is still guided by their memories. But the most interesting thing is that one of the spouses did not reduce his social status: It’s just that the other half has grown! In this case, there is actually no obvious deterioration in status, it is only relative to the other partner. But the result can still be disastrous.

Error 2 Reasons for divorce. Spouses must treat their “family halves” all their lives based on the social status of their parents (high or low).

I will give clear examples.

Example 1. A guy met his future wife when he and his chosen one were students. The boy’s parents worked at school, but the girl’s parents had a serious business and were part of the city’s elite. The guy treated them with well-deserved respect and even apprehension. The girl herself was accustomed to the fact that everyone around her always perceived her through the prism of parental power, she took it for granted.

Ten years have passed. After the economic crisis of 2008, my wife’s parents lost most of their wealth and turned into middle-class businessmen, almost pensioners. Their daughter, having graduated from medical university, became an ordinary pediatrician in the district clinic. But her husband, having started as a gas station manager, then organized five of his own gas stations, became a very rich man. Of course, his attitude towards his wife and her parents underwent certain changes. According to his wife, the man did not treat them any worse; the “breathing” and “reverence” with which he once addressed his wife and her mother and father simply disappeared. The family conflict eventually arose almost out of nowhere: the wife (on her own initiative) began to regularly reprimand her husband that he was an ungrateful brute who, after the 2008 crisis, began to call her parents three times less. Perhaps this was the case, however, this is not a reason for a serious deterioration in family relations. Deciding that his wife’s actions were controlled by her parents, the husband actually began to call her parents less often. They actually started to get offended. As a result, the wife left her husband to live with her parents, and then, embarrassed to simply go back, turned to a family psychologist for mediation. And such stories are not uncommon!

Example 2. The parents of a rather beautiful girl were from an orphanage; her father worked as a driver all his life, and her mother worked as a nurse. At the institute, the girl became friends with a guy whose parents were mediocre officials. They were very skeptical about the prospects of marriage and had difficulty accepting the girl. To the guy’s credit, the marriage still took place. The girl became a master of sports, an honored coach, her husband became a police colonel. However, all her life the girl felt that she was treated “somehow wrong”; sometimes she heard that a man and his parents simply took pity on a girl from a poor family. This had a bad effect on the spiritual comfort in the family and the intimate relationships of the spouses. As a result, the husband brought his wife to a family psychologist with complaints that for the last six months he and his wife had practically not communicated, there was no intimate life.

Error 3 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should treat their “family halves” based only on their status, without regard to their level of income. Which often leads to a conflict between social status and the real level of income and importance in the family. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. A 37-year-old man was a civil servant and considered himself a “high-flying bird.” At the same time, his salary was a little more than a thousand dollars, there were no special “kalyms”. His wife created a network of small solariums in rented premises, earning almost three thousand dollars a month. The main breadwinner of the family was objectively the wife. However, the “statesman” stubbornly considered himself a “serious person who decides matters”, and his wife as a “small owner of heaters.” The husband's attitude towards his wife was almost like that of a loser. A family conflict erupted over car upgrades. Previously, in the family, the husband had a Toyota Corolla, the wife had a Honda Fit. Then the wife decided to switch to the new Mazda Seven. The husband said that his wife had not yet earned such an expensive car, but he asked for a Toyota Camry. The wife tried to find out why she “didn’t deserve it.” Having heard the usual statement that no one knows her, but the head of the district and even the mayor personally know her husband, the woman became furious and called him “a gigolo who got a good job working as a successful businesswoman.” After this, the husband left home for a departmental hotel, lived there for ten days and came to his wife to make peace. The wife decided to make peace through a psychologist.

Example 2. The wife was the director of a school, the husband had a mini-bakery with a “Hot Bread” pavilion. By hook or by crook, the wife earned one and a half to two thousand dollars a month, and was a well-known and respected person in the area. However, she was very tired, receiving reprimands from all regulatory authorities, was constantly sick, and suffered from pressure. Having built the business a long time ago, the husband did not strain himself, spent his days doing crossword puzzles, watching football and hockey, and drinking a little beer. At the same time, he had up to three thousand dollars a month. This, as it seemed to her, “unfair state of affairs” terribly irritated his wife; she regularly told her two children: “Our dad is a quitter, and our mother is a hard worker!” Under no circumstances should you grow up to be the same!” Feeling a prejudiced attitude towards himself, the man stopped perceiving his wife as a woman and took a mistress. The wife immediately filed for divorce, but the eldest daughter (15 years old) unexpectedly announced that after the divorce she would live with her dad, since he has more money, and most importantly, he lives and communicates calmly, does not yell or make trouble! An enraged woman brought her rebellious daughter to a family psychologist “for re-education.” After talking with my daughter, I understood the situation and took her side. I finally convinced the woman (after some struggle, insults and even tears) to come to me again, but with her husband. This couple was able to reconcile by forcing the woman to accept the situation exactly as it is, stopping to bully her husband.

Error 4 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should treat their “family halves” based not on their real social status, but on their ideas about the status of those around them. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. A guy worked as an ordinary mediocre manager, earned little, but from college he was friends with classmates who, in time, joined the “party in power” and became deputies of the local City Council. Communicating with them and other representatives of the “cream of society,” the guy learned to behave arrogantly and began to demand unquestioning obedience from those around him. His wife worked as a teacher at the university and defended her Ph.D. thesis. Although she received less than her husband, she respected herself. After three years of marriage and the repeated statement “Shut your mouth!” on the part of the husband, who returned from another VIP trip to a nightclub, the wife packed her things and went to her parents.

Unfortunately, this pair could not be saved..

Error 5 Reasons for divorce. Spouses should treat their “family halves” based not on their real social status, but on certain ideas about what status they will have in the future. I will give clear examples.

Example 1. After returning from the army, a guy married his high school sweetheart, bought a Gazelle car and started doing freight transport. The business didn’t develop much; the guy loved to play roulette and sometimes smoked hashish. The wife worked as a manicurist in a beauty salon, had a talent for communication, quickly became incredibly popular, and earned three to five times more than her husband. The husband naively considered himself a “businessman and a tough guy,” and considered his wife a “petty scamp.” After scandals on the topic of “who should treat whom how and what to respect,” the guy went on a drinking binge, and the girl went to a family psychologist. The guy refused to come to a psychologist, I don’t know how this story ended. But, as a practitioner, I assume divorce.

And now the most important thing…..reasons for divorce

As a practitioner of family psychology, I am categorically against various dangerous family illusions! Including, against the illusion that, supposedly, differences in the social status of spouses (that is, in their position in society) mean absolutely nothing. They mean it, and how they mean it! Moreover, this means that it is definitely in a bad direction. And if you ask me, what should you do in such a situation: not to get married and not to get married at all, or to file for divorce immediately if your husband is promoted in his career or his wife turns into a housewife? Like, why wait, you still have to get a divorce, due to the identified social inequality? And in general, how do couples live for many years and decades, where the spouses initially had a huge difference in social status? (Plus, usually also at the age of the partners: after all, high social status is almost always the result of a long life path, and low social status is often the starting position of men and women aged twenty to thirty years).

I answer: in the psychology of love and family relationships, and in life in general, there is a very important principle of compensation . Compensation is one of the forms of mutually beneficial exchange between people when they exchange something with each other. Moreover, a commodity, or more broadly speaking, an object of exchange, can be anything, including any feelings and emotions: vivid impressions, self-esteem, pride, sexual satisfaction, etc. and so on.

People are strange people. At the stage of the beginning of friendship, during the candy-bouquet period, everyone seems to understand that a partner’s smile can be bought for a chocolate bar or a bouquet of flowers, a ticket to a movie or theater. During a relationship crisis, everyone understands that the feelings of a cooling man can again be shaken up with good sex, and the mercy of an irritated woman can be bought with a fur coat, a subscription to the gym or solarium, or, in extreme cases, a trip to the warm sea. But not everyone knows that the same rule also works in the case of partners gradually moving away from each other due to increasing differences in their social status. Those who know the necessary rules and strictly follow them live excellently. Those who do not know these rules, or know, but due to their laziness or stupidity, cannot follow them, sooner or later lose their “halves” and the family as a whole. How is the rule for compensating for differences in the social status of spouses formulated? Very clear. I quote.

Rule of compensation for differences in the social status of spouses : If one of the spouses achieves a high social status in his life, and the second cannot boast of similar successes, then the latter must either achieve a similar high status, or compensate for his discrepancy with the more successful partner with some other, qualities valuable for family life from this list of “dozens of family compensations”:

- an ideal figure and the ability to look good;

- sexual activity;

— excellent household and economic qualities;

- excellent character and conflict-free behavior (no rude words, no assault in the family);

- the ability to create a warm and sincere atmosphere of communication in the family;

- the ability to organize interesting and varied leisure time, a positive attitude towards the interests and hobbies of your partner;

- the birth of two or three or more children, patience, dedication and creativity in raising them;

- an excellent attitude towards the parents and friends of the more successful “half”, as well as towards his (her) children from a previous marriage;

- absence of such bad habits as craving for alcohol or drugs;

- excluding any reasons for jealousy or accusations of treason.

Note. Even if a “partner of the second social rank” does not want to remain in his lower social status all his life, but consciously strives to reach the level of a “partner of the first social rank”, then until the moment of achieving this high status, he (s) is nevertheless obliged ( a) follow the compensation rule. Otherwise, conflicts and divorce are practically guaranteed.

Now I will give you clear examples where the reasons for divorce may turn out to be completely different!

Example 1. Oleg, a forty-year-old businessman husband, filed for divorce from his housewife wife Irina. My son is 15 years old. The fact that the wife has been a housewife for the last nine years is a joint decision of the spouses. The husband does not have any moral or material claims against his wife in this regard. Wife to husband too. The family just decided so. Formally, the reasons for divorce are the appearance of a young mistress with the husband. However, for me, as a family psychologist, in fact, divorce is the result of a violation of the principle of compensation. Namely, that:

— There is only one child in the family; the wife did not give birth to a second child (although the woman’s age and level of income allowed this), because she was already accustomed to a comfortable life and did not want to go through the hardships of starting motherhood again.

— The woman lost interest in intimate life and periodically refused her husband various types of intimacy.

— A woman, having excellent financial opportunities (to go to the gym and spa salons), has lost her physical attractiveness, has lost her figure, at the age of forty she dresses as if she is fifty (although she is dressed very expensively, in brands), her husband is embarrassed to go out with her in public .

I emphasize: for me, the reasons for divorce lie not at all in the mistress, and not even in the fact that the business husband suddenly became bored with his housewife wife and had nothing to talk about! The reason for the divorce is the wife’s failure to comply with the principle of compensation: the woman decided that she could live in complete comfort at the expense of her husband, and not try to make him happy. Or rather: trying to make him happy in your outdated way. But, alas: “gray hair in a beard means a devil in a rib!” A forty-year-old man suddenly wanted sex, an elastic body, a beautiful woman next to him, snowmobiling together, and, quite simply, more children! And here the guaranteed soup and a quiet wife in cozy slippers turned out to be not enough.

Example 2. Sergey, male, 37 years old, a major regional manager at the railway. Wife, Larisa, 34 years old, child 7 years old. My wife has been a housewife for 7 years. She never leaves the gym, she is a dazzling beauty with a wonderful figure. Larisa has always been her husband’s skiing partner, knows two languages, and has always been responsible for organizing family leisure in the Alps. The husband filed for divorce after learning that Larisa sometimes allows herself to meet men and sit with them in coffee shops while the child is at a music school or swimming pool (the mother herself dropped off and picked up her son in an expensive Lexus). In this case, the wife’s guilt in treason has not been proven, however, the husband has firmly decided: the wife has violated the unwritten rules of the game, therefore it is necessary to separate from her.

In some couple of state employees, they would have had a row a couple of times because of this, and they would have moved on with their lives. But with a colossal gap in social status, jealousy is an unacceptable game with matches! The violation of the compensation rule was that the woman did not provide her husband with peace of mind, caused jealousy and therefore was punished. Unfortunately, along with the child.

Now do you understand the reasons for divorce?!

Sincerely, psychologist, Doctor of Science, Professor Andrey Zberovsky.

Did you like the article “Causes of Divorce”? I look forward to your likes and comments!

You can watch my video advice at the link

You can also purchase the Complete Works of Andrei Zberovsky from 17 e-books

I am included in the ranking of the best psychologists in Russia for 2020 https://xn—-dtbbbhscewqobbiixl5d.xn--p1ai/currenttop100.asp

Like or write your comments!

If you or your couple need help,

I will be happy to give advice from family psychologist Zberovsky

at a personal (in Moscow) or online consultation (via Skype, Viber, WhatsApp or phone).

Sign up for a personal or online consultation by phone: +7926633520

Divorce is already close……..seek help from a family psychologist

When is it time to divorce your husband: signs

1. Domestic disagreements. Each person has his own shortcomings and bad habits. When starting a relationship, many people try to hide them, make concessions, but after Mendelssohn’s march plays, they take off their masks and become themselves. What is carefully hidden comes out, so relationships change. In this case, everyone must decide for himself whether he is able to come to terms with the shortcomings of his other half and turn a blind eye to them. If yes, then the family can be saved, if not, it’s time to get a divorce.
2. Lack of former passion. One of the reasons for divorce is the absence or lack of sexual intimacy between partners.
3. Excessive jealousy. This feeling can push you to take rash actions. As a rule, jealousy is more characteristic of the stronger sex and usually has no basis. It is because of jealousy that violence, assault, and scandals flourish in the family.
4. Lack of trust. The family will be strong and happy if there is an emotional connection between the spouses. If there is no trusting relationship between partners, they cannot find a common language, then the marriage is doomed to destruction.
5. Indifference. When the opinion of the other does not matter to one of the spouses, this means that he has ceased to be important and significant. This indicates that the former love has faded, the relationship is coming to its logical conclusion.
6. Changes in behavior. Often the reason for this is the emergence of a new passion. Under the influence of guilt, the husband becomes silky, or he does not care about his legal wife and the relationship becomes worse.
7. There is no right to choose. Every person has the right to their own hobbies and interests. Therefore, sometimes the reason for divorce is the husband’s prohibition from doing what he loves. Partners cannot agree with each other, do not feel understanding and support, so an attempt to prohibit engaging in a hobby can cause aggression. A woman feels that her freedom of choice and personal space are violated, so the marriage is cracking.

Help for children during divorce

Children are the most affected party when their parents divorce. A child in a divorce situation is forced to choose which parent to stay with. At the same time, the second of the two closest and most important people in his life turns out to be far away - the child no longer sees mom or dad every day, does not live with him (her). Children (especially at a younger age) unconsciously tend to blame themselves for the fact that their family is no longer together, that one of their parents has left.

Often, after the parents separate, the child begins to behave inappropriately - he throws hysterics, whims, or, on the contrary, withdraws into himself. There are frequent unreasonable fears, nightmares, decreased performance at school and other acute problems associated with changes in the family environment.

A divorce psychologist can help a child even without his personal presence at the consultation. Often, it is enough for even one of the parents to receive psychological help to adjust the parenting model and allow the child to feel better.

The main task of helping children affected by their parents’ divorce is to help them cope with their feelings about the destruction of their family and grow into a harmonious person without feelings of guilt and other destructive complexes.

In what cases can a family be saved?

Separation is not always the only right option; in some cases, the marriage can be saved. Of course, a lot depends on each individual case, because often the cause of divorce is banal quarrels, inability to negotiate, and listen to each other. If there is still a desire to be together, love and passion between the spouses, they may well forgive each other, understand and save the family.

Having children together can also be a compelling argument for maintaining a relationship, because for children, parents are the closest and dearest people. For a child, the divorce of mom and dad is a serious psychological trauma that an adult cannot always cope with. If the situation is not so critical, you can try to find compromises for the sake of the child.

Ways to save a family

Of course, all of the above is only part of the motives that push people to divorce. But psychologists say that there are very few marriages in which partners cannot be with each other at all. Therefore, if both spouses want this, then you can overcome any obstacles and cope with any problems.

To preserve family relationships, it is important to understand all the possible causes of family discord and find out how to overcome them.

This is not an easy process that requires considerable effort from both partners. But the reward for overcoming these difficulties will be a new harmonious relationship.

Good reasons to definitely get a divorce

The reasons for breaking up a relationship can be different. Sometimes reconciliation between spouses is possible, but sometimes divorce is impossible. Among the main reasons when it is necessary to get a divorce are the following:

1. Alcoholism or drug addiction. Cases when a person himself decides to stop drinking or using drugs are quite rare. As a rule, drug addicts and alcoholics realize their plight too late, when it is no longer possible to do anything. By this point, they are destroying their families with their own hands, losing property, their relatives are turning away from them, and their health is experiencing serious problems.
2. Violence in family. You cannot forgive your spouse if he allows himself to raise his hand against his wife and children. You need to get rid of such relationships as quickly as possible.
3. Treason. Marital infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. Many young ladies decide to forgive the cheater, but, as a rule, a similar situation is repeated, and in the end it all ends in separation.
4. Dissatisfaction with sex life. Intimacy in family life is far from the last place. If one of the partners feels dissatisfied, the problem can be solved with the help of specialists. However, many couples are embarrassed to see a sexologist or psychologist with such a problem. Therefore, families end their existence.
5. Financial insolvency. Men are usually given the responsibility of supporting the family. But it’s one thing when the family temporarily lacks money, and another when the husband a priori cannot provide for his wife and children. If a man does not bring money to the family for a long time, women file for divorce.
6. Individual incompatibility. If the marriage was concluded in a fit of emotion, then after a while the partners realize that they are completely different, they have nothing in common, and the marriage needs to be dissolved.
7. The reluctance of one of the partners to have offspring. As a rule, people marry in order to continue their family line. Therefore, if the spouses cannot come to a consensus, since one of them wants a child and the other does not, then sooner or later, someone who wants to give birth to an heir will find someone who shares his desire to become a parent.

Negative consequences

Each person experiences divorce differently. For ladies this is a huge stress. It doesn’t matter what reasons became the catalyst for breaking Hymen’s bonds, the ladies feel abandoned, useless, and they are gnawed by the fear of loneliness. And if they loved their beloved and divorce became a thunderclap for them in the clear sky, then the experiences will most likely be deeper and longer lasting. The support of loved ones, their understanding and care is very significant here.

Often, after the dissolution of a marital union, a woman loses contact with her husband’s friends, and sometimes also with married friends. Often, even divorced young ladies themselves do not want to meet with family friends, because they are ashamed to appear alone.

Divorce is most difficult for women who have been married for decades if the husband unexpectedly leaves her for a young mistress. A large part of her life was connected specifically with a man, so it is quite difficult for her to rebuild and accept. It’s good if adult offspring are nearby and express moral support. It's even better if you have grandchildren. Kids can warm even the coldest heart.

Another negative aspect of the consequences of divorce is the deterioration of the financial component. Especially if there are children together, who usually remain with their mother after the end of the family relationship. It’s good when the former spouse provides sufficient financial support, but this does not happen often. Therefore, women have to either go to work or look for a new, higher-paying job. Accordingly, the time spent on work increases. Mothers can no longer pay the same amount of attention to their babies. And often, exhausted by a constant lack of finances, morally devastated, offended by her ex-husband, a woman thoughtlessly turns her offspring against their parent, presenting him as a weak traitor and scoundrel.

Often, after a family breakdown, a divorced woman with children returns to her father’s house. If parents are understanding, wrap their daughter in care, and support her, then this helps reduce the degree of bitterness. However, there are other situations when parents constantly reproach their child for her inability to maintain the marriage union, oppressing the daughter even more. After all, in addition to the fact that she already feels betrayed, they also accuse her of becoming a burden to her parents’ family.

It is mistakenly believed that the consequences of divorce are less painful for men than for women. This is not true. It’s just that the stronger half is used to hiding their own experiences. An important role here is played by the position of society, which pities a divorced woman because her scoundrel husband left her without support with her children, and accuses men of betrayal. People like to feel sorry for someone because it makes them seem better in their own eyes. They also love to condemn, not understanding that men also feel, they also hurt, they also suffer due to the breakdown of the family.

Often, the stronger half, in order to overcome a stressful situation and cope with a depressive mood, begins to get too carried away with alcohol. They try to drown out their despair with vodka, which only worsens their state of mind. And if they do not come to their senses in time, then, in addition to health problems, they will also encounter obstacles in the professional environment.

The strong half, as well as beautiful ladies, have a natural desire to have their own cozy home, where they will wait, support and accept you unconditionally. And after a family breakdown, circumstances change for both participants in the interaction, regardless of who initiated the divorce.

If a man had to leave, he often has to rent housing, which may result in financial difficulties, as well as domestic problems. After all, over the years that he was connected with his wife by the Hymen bond, he got used to completely relying on his partner in economic matters. And now I have to cook, clean, lay out things, wash, allocate the budget myself. He is oppressed by the inability to prepare normal food and the disorganization of his life, as a result of which his health deteriorates.

Often men leave their family to create a new one. In this case, he often manages to avoid everyday and housing problems, but there is a different danger here. He begins to compare his new wife with his past beloved and is disappointed. She cooks worse, puts socks on the wrong shelf, buys the wrong panties, makes her wash the dishes. And the realization comes that breaking the bonds of marriage was a mistake. It is impossible to emotionally enter into a new union without finally ending the previous relationship.

Often, out of resentment towards former companions, because they initiated a divorce, preferring other gentlemen to their spouses, or decided to live independently, but not with losers like them, men may experience a decrease in libido.

When, after a breakdown in family ties, there are offspring living with his ex-wife, to whom he feels a strong attachment, then separation from them depresses him, making him feel like a traitor. The situation can be aggravated by the attitude of the former missus, who turns the children against the parent, preventing him from seeing the children, preventing communication. A man suffers, hiding his own pain, since in a male environment it is not customary to be frank.

There are opposite situations when the wife leaves, leaving the children to the father. Then the man has to take on the function of mother and housewife. It is very difficult for a single young lady to raise children on her own, but it is much more difficult for men, because for them household chores are something supernatural. The thought that his wife not only left him, but also their common children, simply destroys a man morally.

The consequences of divorce for children and their parents are largely determined by the age of the children, the psychological maturity of the parents, their wisdom, the ability of the parents to maintain friendly relations with each other after the breakup of the family, and concern, first of all, for the well-being of the offspring, and not about the creation of a new union.

In addition to the psychological aspects of the destruction of family shackles, there are also social consequences of divorce, which consist in the regression of the demographic situation, a decrease in the working capacity of divorced people, the leveling of the family institution, the growth of single individuals, the emergence of single-parent families, where one-sided upbringing by one parent predominates.

Is a full family always better for children?

Many women, having given birth to a child, are ready to make a sacrifice and tolerate next to them an unloved person who can treat her insultingly or even beat her. They forgive their life partners for going “to the left” and spend their own health and time to save their partner from alcoholism. But do children need such a father? What will he teach them and what can he give them?

Of course, in such situations, even if there are children together, it is necessary to end the relationship, end the relationship. Parents are an example for children, and in unhappy families, children's destinies are broken and they often repeat the life of their mother and father.

Psychologists' opinions on divorce

The psychology of divorce and family breakdown represents a certain disruption in the balance of forces that support family relationships. Factors that can keep spouses from divorcing include:

• moral and psychological interest of spouses;
• financial dependence;
• full or partial satisfaction with family life;
• attraction between spouses (this can be not only sexual attraction, but also emotional);
• feeling of confidence in your partner;
• mutual understanding, acceptance and respect.

If we talk about psychological factors that destroy family relationships, then these are hostility, antipathy, irritation, etc. With the appearance of these factors in family life, they begin to be reinforced in every possible way by external stimuli - problems at work, disagreements with relatives, neighbors, light affairs on the side. All this inevitably pushes the spouses towards divorce proceedings.

According to psychological studies, men find many more reasons to break off relations with their wives.

Most women, according to their psychological or moral and ethical principles, will try in every possible way to preserve a shaken relationship, especially if it is a family with a child. Women for the most part identify only three reasons for divorce:

• excessive abuse of bad habits (drug addiction, alcoholism);
• the husband’s inability to provide for the family (sometimes it is enough for women that the husband can provide the bare necessities, without excesses);
• rough treatment (we are talking not only about physical, but also about moral violence).

Psychologist's advice

Recommendations from a specialist may be required if the family can still be saved, that is, the situation has not reached a critical state. First of all, you need to think about the future.

What will happen if you don't change anything? Think about how you will continue to live with your spouse. What happens if you get divorced? Determine how you will build your life without your other half. Evaluate all the pros and cons.

Trust your intuition and desires and think about what you will miss if you do not divorce and try to maintain your family relationship? What will you miss if you leave everything as is? Maybe it would be better to leave a failed marriage behind you and continue to live, change for the better, and achieve your goals?

Answering these questions will help you understand your feelings. If you want to save your marriage, you have a lot of work ahead of you to improve yourself. Advice from a psychologist will help save your marriage:

• do not sacrifice yourself;
• love and respect yourself;
• take time for yourself;
• change not only externally, but also internally;
• learn to negotiate and seek compromises;
• do not make scandals and do not criticize your husband;
• Find a hobby that will help you relax and get rid of negativity;
• diversify your sex life.

Positive consequences

Divorce proceedings in almost 100% of cases cause extreme stress among former partners. It is not always associated with the burden of unrequited love, personal resentment, or mental pain. However, even when the spouses separate quite peacefully, having a mutual desire to separate, emotional tension still arises due to the uncertainty of the future and the fear of loneliness.

The psychological consequences of divorce and their direction are determined by the role in which the divorced spouse plays - the instigator or the victim.

A positive feature of the consequences of divorce can be considered the removal of all burdensome obligations to the other party. A person gains freedom. You can perform any actions within the normative framework, of course, without thinking that your partner will not like it, visit all kinds of entertainment venues, communicate, get to know each other. There is no need to explain long and tediously at home why you were late or why dinner wasn’t ready.

Probably, immediately after the breakup of the family, it will be difficult to believe that you will become happier, but this is so. At first, a breakup is scary because of loneliness. This is a completely common reaction. However, grief and negativity will not last forever. Life will still take over.

The positive side of the consequences of divorce can be considered improved health. Of course, happy family relationships have a beneficial effect on the mood and health of the partners, but if it comes to the breakdown of the union, then there is no need to talk about a successful relationship. An interaction filled with strife, misunderstandings, insults, scandals, and pain can often cause irreversible harm to health. Therefore, if there is a choice between remaining in an unsatisfactory union and its dissolution, then for the sake of health it is recommended to prefer the second option. Conducted scientific research has demonstrated that a conflictual marriage aggravates the condition of people many times more than liberation from such interaction by dissolving the bonds of marriage.

In addition to personal happiness, the collapse of unsatisfactory relationships will give a prosperous life to the offspring.

Preserving outdated relationships for the sake of children, where there is no mutual respect, mutual support, mutual care, where pain reigns, constant scandals reign and lies dominate - this is, at the very least, stupid, and at most, it threatens the mental health of the children. Children are quite sensitive, therefore, they experience the daily quarrels of their parents much more than adults. It’s better to separate and, for the sake of the children, try to establish a satisfactory relationship with your ex-partner. Contrary to popular belief, the consequences of divorce for children are not always negative. As a rule, the “pole” of consequences after a divorce for offspring is due to the ability of parents to come to an agreement among themselves during the process of filing a divorce and in the future.

Divorce will give you the opportunity to become happy in a new relationship. Although, of course, immediately after receiving a document on dissolution of marriage, a person will be overcome by a feeling of emptiness, lack of understanding of further steps, and pain. However, everything is temporary. Scientists claim that according to research, first marriages end in breakup in approximately 45% of marriages, and second marriages in only 30%.

In addition to the positive results listed above, separation will help you return control of your own existence into your own hands.

A look from a legal point of view

Are you firmly convinced of your desire to get a divorce? Be prepared that the divorce procedure may drag on for months. Divorce will be easy if you can maintain friendly relations with your spouse and you have nothing to share.

If there are children, then divorce can only be done in court. If you have divided the property yourself and have no claims, then it is also necessary to determine in court the procedure for communicating with the child and the assignment of alimony.

If you come to a conclusion that contradicts the family code, then the court needs to record your agreement so that there are no misunderstandings later.

Conventionally, divorces are divided into several groups:

• the couple has no children or property claims;
• there are children, but there are no complaints against each other;
• The couple cannot come to an agreement.

Why is psychological help important during divorce?

In psychology there is such a term as “psychological divorce.” It means a state in which both spouses have let go of each other, began to lead an independent life and do not experience suffering over the mutual loss of a partner. Often circumstances develop in such a way that after the completion of the formal, legal dissolution of the marriage, a real break in relations does not occur - the former spouses continue to suffer, quarrel, and sort things out. Many are even forced to live in the same area.

Psychological assistance during divorce is necessary in order to realize its necessity (or lack thereof) and painlessly get out of the destructive relationship that led to the need for divorce.