An excellent article for both those who are building new relationships and those who have been in relationships for a long time. Clears the brain very well.
The author of this article below is Marina Komissarova (Evolution).
More details about the bugs of “Shy”, “Poor”, “Stupid” and others here.
And another good article from her - “The mechanism of love illusions”
Source of the article below: https://evo-lutio.livejournal.com/315531.html
“How to remove the blinders of illusions”
People have two extremes in relationships.
One extreme is to see secret signs of mutual interest in everything and feed them damson soup.
The other extreme is to see politeness in any steps forward and freeze. Or pull with tongs.
I like to give examples of the first extreme in my letters. It looks very comedic from the outside, although there is laughter through tears.
And I see the second extreme more often in the friend feed, but there is also plenty of it in letters. The dialogues there look something like this:
-Are you interested in me?
- Yes.
- It just seems to me that no...
- But I came to you myself. (Or - “But I live with you”)
- Well, what if you’re just for the sake of friendship? It seems to me that you are kind of cold... And you just feel sorry for me. (“I forced you”)
It is clear that a person does not glow so much that it is 100% obvious to a woman that he is madly in love. But he is taking some small steps. And they hit him on the head with a rolling pin, devaluing every step and extorting more (“you’re not giving enough, I don’t understand how you feel, I’m suffering, you see”). The prospect that he will start to freeze is very high.
Several people now recognize themselves in this dialogue. No, you are not the only one. I have two of these every week in my feed, despite the fact that my feed is still very decent.
Both the shy bug (“wants, but is embarrassed”) and the poor bug (“forced out of pity”) have the same reason. Even though they look so different.
This is the reason - a poor sense of other people's boundaries.
Instead of looking at a person’s actions and words, they try to get into his head.
Respect for boundaries = zero. Therefore, there is not even a hint of empathy left, just projections and illusions. Either the illusion of a crown or the illusion of rags. Sometimes in turns. And sometimes even together! This also happens.
Shy - “I know that behind his silence there is desire.” Poor guy - “I know that behind his actions there is an unwillingness to do this.” Desire-non-desire belongs to another, but the person thinks he knows better and considers him a liar. Did you notice the disrespect?
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With indifferent people, such a person can sense boundaries much better. And then the settings go wrong, because it’s sympathy. Sympathy is craving, craving causes appropriation. And respect disappears, and with it empathy.
Here are a few rules to guide you in such situations. They are equally effective in the case of both bugs, Shy and Poor. (Have you noticed that the essence of both names of bugs is the condescending devaluation of a person, depriving him of the status of an adult who knows what to do?)
With consistent use (even just trying to use them), rules can greatly improve your sense of boundaries.
Don't get into someone else's head
Don't make assumptions about things that aren't explicitly stated. Neither good nor bad.
Don't imagine yourself as a shrewd Sherlock Holmes. Even if a person is lying, this is his party, he wants to convey this to you. His right.
For example, you may think he loves you but is pretending to be cold. Great, even so, believe him. Let him pretend until he gets tired; it is more profitable for you to act as if you believe in his coldness. That is, even if it is suddenly a lie, do not fall for manipulation. But most likely it’s just your imagination.
Having discovered such a bug behind you (when it is silent, and you imagine unexpressed love), look for the crown.
The same goes for distrust of words.
He says he loves you, but you see it as false?
Even if it’s false, it’s his responsibility.
You must respect a person's boundaries and accept this ball without demanding quality guarantees. If you are not satisfied with his actions, that is a different question; you may have different ideas about the desired relationship. Discuss this in a civil manner, but don't force it. Decide for yourself what to do.
And don’t take out your nasty “I don’t fan you” tongs. It's your problem, believe it or not. Do not insult a person by reproaching him for lying.
What is love addiction?
Love is when I can be without you, but I want to be with you. But addiction is when I can’t be without you at all.
When the mood depends on whether this object of love is nearby or not. A person lives in anticipation of a meeting, a conversation. And all his thoughts are occupied only by this object of love. Very often, women say that they “completely dissolved” in their partner, but he “ungrateful” did not appreciate this.
Constantly being close to the object of love begins to greatly limit his freedom and, as a result, the couple breaks up anyway, because no one can withstand the “encroachment” on freedom for long.
And this is exactly how our society sees love; it must always be associated with suffering. This taste is instilled in us by works of art, films and TV series, pop songs, etc.
Love is suffering everywhere, and only small children understand love as joy and happiness. They do not associate suffering with love. Suffering is associated with love addiction, when you cannot live without the object of your love.
And this object can remain in your heart forever. Even if time passes, you will still remember it. That’s why he was “everything” for you at that moment in your life; you turned out to be “nobody” to him. You begin to struggle with such love, and you begin to “get sick.”
Throw away the tongs
Almost all doubts in a person’s actions and words are the result of using forceps.
You whined for so long and piercingly, what an incredulous, timid and tremulous doe you are, and now he brought flowers, and it seems to you that these are not flowers, but a pathetic handout. He tells you about love, but it seems to you that this is an excuse. You first begged for it all, and then devalued it with an unhappy look. A double blow to a person’s desire to please you.
If forceps were nevertheless used (whining, complaints, tears running like a spring stream down a silent, mournful face), compensate with an expression of delight if the person does what you pulled from him. Even if he does it partially, compensate and reinforce. But it's better not to use forceps at all. Say directly: “I want to see you more often, I like you.” Or “I want to marry you, I love you very much.” Tell him once, he’s not deaf, but tell him straight, he doesn’t have to solve puzzles why you were sad when a wedding car decorated with ribbons drove by.
A. You want to see him more often and get married only if he is even more than you want, right? Then calm down. He doesn't want to yet, otherwise it would be. Tell him about your desire, maybe in the future it will help him want it too. Unless you pull with tongs and throw rotten eggs at it.
What types of relationship illusion are there?
- Perfect family. “Avoid everything perfect, so as not to get into the mud up to your ears!” I agree with this quote from writer Natalia Solntseva. By the way, if you want to understand in depth why “ideal relationships” are dangerous, I suggest reading the novel “Venus and the Demon.” From the personal practice of an expert psychologist, I will say: the ideal is a cover for fears, dissatisfaction and low self-esteem;
- Happy lovers. This illusion of relationship is maintained at a distance. The first serious test of their reliability will dispel illusion and happiness like dust;
- Humility. In order not to clarify omissions, mutual claims, the causes of scandals, it is easier to pretend that you have come to terms with it. But under the crust of humility, discontent, irritation and tears gradually accumulate, which one day will pull out the “plug” and the illusion of a calm relationship with a man will turn into a volcanic eruption;
- The illusion of love. There is this quote:
“Rose-colored glasses break with the lenses inward.”
Perhaps, of all the types of illusion in the relationship between a man and a woman, this type is the most painful. Love is not played with, love is experienced.
Of course, the above is a general description of what an illusion can be in a relationship with a man - the psychology in fact is that each couple is individual, as well as the illusions in it.
Virtual relationships
I will quote Natalia Solntseva again:
“The hardest thing is to rid a person of his illusions.”
Therefore, a persistent search for illusion often pushes one to find them on the Internet. In virtual reality, a person is free to be anyone! Younger, more beautiful, bolder, more confident, richer, more successful.
Online life is where the real theater of illusions is. Remember this when you decide to meet virtually. And one more thing: sooner or later there will be a desire to transform virtual communication into real communication. Therefore, to avoid the collapse of the illusion of a relationship, from the very beginning, be yourself. Your Internet partner may upset you, but you won’t disappoint yourself...
How can long-distance relationships be saved?
Guest marriage or guest relationship:
- less responsibilities and obligations than living together;
- remote communication allows you to show unpleasant character traits and qualities less often than when you rub elbows every day;
- partners remain good and faithful to each other longer.
On the other side:
- distance deprives warm hugs, hot kisses,
- a man or woman wakes up and falls asleep, has breakfast and dinner alone,
- and holidays spent alone do not add joy to a couple.
It's a matter of choice: the illusion of a pleasant relationship at a distance or living together and smoothing out the rough edges with patience and love.
“Think for yourself, decide for yourself: to have or not to have?” – you can’t remove the words from a song.
Read also: How to save a relationship? - using Access Bars
Lovers
Remember, we talked about children's games, when the child remembers who agreed to play and why. There is no illusion in relationships, but there is an agreement! When it is violated, problems and troubles arise.
Who are lovers? These are people who show sympathy for each other and agree to meet for mutual intimacy. All. Dot. Rest:
- "Do you love me?",
- “why don’t you get a divorce?”,
- “Am I alone again for the weekend?”
and a similar one is located abroad under the name “lovers”. Do you understand? This is neither good nor bad. These are the terms of the contract. The clearer the points of agreement between partners, the less illusion in the relationship between a man and a woman, the fewer broken pots and full of bumps there will be.
Search for the ideal
Please do not turn yourself or anyone else into an ideal. Agreed?
Create a couple, a family with the person who is in front of you, and not with the image created by your imagination and dreams. Otherwise, the illusory relationship between the two images will leave a living soul deprived of an orphan, on the one hand and on the other.
“How did she not notice this before? He always spoke to her in an even tone that did not tolerate objections. And she took this for a good attitude. The main thing is that she never contradicted him. "Perfect wife!
“How did I not pay attention to the way he eats, and then pushes the plate away from him, as if in a restaurant? And he almost never helps me wash the dishes, taking it for granted that this is not his responsibility? How does he throw things into the bathroom for me to wash and iron? And he never expresses gratitude for my efforts... When was the last time he helped me clean the apartment? When was the last time he invited me to a cafe, to an exhibition, to the theater or just for a walk? When did he give me flowers just like that, not for my birthday or the Eighth of March? When…"
There were so many of these “hows” and “whens” that her head was spinning. She came to the conclusion that even the intimate side of their marriage resembled the same dinners, laundry and other duties of a wife. At night she was like dinner or a clean shirt for her husband. Another one !
The result of all these discoveries was unexpected. She hated herself! For the fact that she allowed herself to be treated this way for so long, and she was also happy..."
This is Eva’s monologue from the book I mentioned above. Did something resonate inside?..
Does a person change when he meets love?
Of course not. A person can change only by personal desire to become different.
Perhaps this knowledge will upset you, but it is better to remain unharmed than to smash yourself against the rocks again “he will definitely change with me, and will treat me better than his ex.”
It is this illusion in a relationship with a man that causes many divorces, family quarrels and grief.
Don't make decisions for a man, okay?
- improve yourself;
- decorate your inner world;
- develop your abilities;
- grow consciously and spiritually,
and then you won’t have to convince yourself that love will change your chosen one. Why won't this be necessary? – because personal growth will attract the best person for you.
Are serious feelings an illusion?
Serious means strict, important. Feelings are what is felt by the subtle soul. Are these concepts compatible? When expecting or demanding seriousness from a man, think about it: do you want a good mutual connection or seriousness towards yourself, your person?
Do you value mutual care and respect, or do you expect your sense of self-importance to be appreciated? The first option has a future, the second is the illusion of “adult” relationships, leading to loneliness.
Read also: Why don't men like strong women?
“I mean a lot in someone else’s life!”
Why convince yourself of this? I’ll tell you a professional secret - with this self-affirmation, a woman involuntarily reveals such qualities as:
- self-dislike;
- low self-esteem;
- self-pity;
- fear of breakup and loneliness;
- the importance of the personal self.
Where the “ego” comes to the fore is the illusion of a relationship that does not exist. I like the expression: “When starting a quarrel, think, do you want to be right or loved?”
The relationship between a man and a woman is a boat in which there are always two places. By swinging it for your own benefit, you risk being left alone in the open ocean...
Don't throw rotten eggs
Even an ordinary ball turns into stickiness if there was no answer to the previous ones. And not just stickiness. Your balls turn into rotten eggs if you let a person skip moves.
The expression “throwing balls” refers to a short period of time. In one dialogue, you can throw several balls, but after that you are obliged to fall behind, not to interfere with the person until he himself responds with balls or steps (not pings!) of his own free will. If you walk and “throw balls” over and over again, if he is silent, does not answer, and you throw again, then these are not balls, these are rotten eggs.
You are stalking a person.
It’s not surprising that you then go crazy and lose touch with reality. This is how your psyche escapes shame for your behavior.
No need to rack your brains about how long you can stay away. You should never climb. Climbing is bad. To climb is to communicate without reciprocity. But you can enter into communication if a person responds to your balloons. If it just whistles, there is no need to rush. Especially rushing with new eggs.
Illusion 1: what if I’m left alone?
This fear haunts most representatives of the fairer sex: yes, you are afraid that they will leave you, reject you, forget you. In itself, this feeling has nothing reprehensible, but when it is not justified by anything or is fueled by an internal “voice”, then it can easily “blow the roof off”. That’s why you need to stop the fear in yourself and ask the question “Is it worth it?” First of all, is a person worth your tears if he is unreliable? Let it fly in all four directions!
Don't be afraid: if you get sick, you will survive. You will become happy for yourself, and not for someone who does not deserve you. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes - the more of them, the happier your heart is from gaining new experience and from the fact that you already know what not to do. After all, everything that happens to you is valuable for you. It helps you realize: you need to go in the opposite direction so as not to step on the same rake again.
Believe your eyes
Most distortions, illusions and errors of perception come from the fact that a person does not want to put up with modest reality.
He wants more and right now.
Even the Poor Man's bug, where a person seems to devalue the feelings of another, arises from the fact that the person does not have enough of what is in reality. He accuses the other of feeling sorry for him, and is burdened when the other tells him that he loves him. But the whole point is that he wants more love. A lot more. It’s just that sympathy doesn’t suit him; he wants the kind of love that will make him tremble. And this is not even close.
If you remember all the rapunzels of secondary freezing, then they are sick precisely because in their illusions they are passionately loved. Madly loved! And when reality says that a man madly in love would not forget to close the pasta, knowing that the deity would scream like one, and would not forget to bring flowers, they, in rage and hatred, rain thunder and lightning on the mortal’s head for deception.
But they deceived themselves.
They invented that they love them until their temporal bones crack.
But no, they are loved much less. And in response to thunder and lightning, they will completely stop loving you.
Not only the shy bug, but also the poor bug is always associated with the hope that the other loves very much, but cannot convey it.
That’s why the princess becomes overly humble, hoping that he will rush to dissuade him when he sees how humiliated she is. He will rush to return her to the throne. She sees that he treats him well, but she wants a lot more love, and she hopes that if she shakes it hard enough, this love is lying around there somewhere.
When he sees that there is nothing lying around, he becomes furious with disappointed hopes.
Accept reality. You are not loved as much as you want. You see it with your own eyes. Yes?
Once you accept the reality and get used to it, you can think about how to improve it. Not earlier. While there are blinders of illusions before your eyes, you cannot do anything.
An article by the author - Marina Komissarova (Evolution) and very useful comments on this article here
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Definition of relationship illusion
If you are a regular reader of our portal, then you know the golden method that solves any problem by 50% even before it is considered. This psychology method is called “word clarification.”
- What is an illusion, really?
- What does a relationship mean in truth?
- Why is the illusion of relationships needed, what are its benefits for women and men?
Illusion comes from the ancient “mockery,” “deception,” “to play with someone or something.” Unexpectedly, you will agree. It turns out that by agreeing to live in an illusion - relationships, well-being, reliability - we laugh at ourselves, we deceive ourselves.
On the other hand, let's remember ourselves as children - we loved to play “mothers and daughters”, “Cossack robbers”, “shop”, while pretending to be the one we chose for the role. But they always remembered that they were pretending, and did not forget about the “game of illusion.” When mom called us home, we left the game and remembered who we really were - our real name. As adults, pretense has become a habit, we have grown accustomed to our roles, illusory relationships have become the norm for us.
What is a “relationship”? They include the word “burden,” that is, the desire and ability to bear a partnership with someone - if closer to the topic of our article “Illusions of a relationship with a man.”
Please note. Relationships and love are not the same thing. Relationships and debt are not the same thing. Being paired with someone, in essence, is not an illusion, but daily work to lighten the “burden” for yourself and your chosen one.
Of course, after such clarification, not everyone will want to get out of the illusion of a relationship. :) But the main reason why a woman wants to maintain illusions in a relationship with a man is different: it is beneficial for the woman, she benefits from them. Which one? – we’ll look at it in the “Psychologist’s Recommendations” section, okay?
Read also: How to improve your relationship with your loved one: 4 ways
Why does love addiction exist?
Romantic natures, and more often they are women, so sensitive and emotional, are capable of “igniting” feelings in themselves from any gentle smile of a man and attributing qualities to the object of “their invented love,” moreover, those that he does not even have in sight.
This category includes women with low self-esteem and idealization of the object of love. And there are a lot of them in our post-Soviet spaces. Too many stressful situations in life, divorces, difficult financial situations lead to women becoming not very self-confident, plus all sorts of traumas from childhood. They simply did not have enough love in their lives, which is why they fall into such captivity and begin to depend on this “love”.
This is especially true for women who were raised in dysfunctional families. Where there was no dad, the very first significant man in a woman’s life. And her mother often simply did not give her this love due to lack of time or inability to love.
A woman of this type begins to “cling” to a man in every possible way, helping him in everything, pleasing him. But a man is a hunter by nature, he needs to conquer a woman, so such a relationship will lead nowhere.
Main symptoms of love addiction:
- Thoughts hover around the object of love constantly
- Nervousness and anxiety, you forget everything except the object of your love
- Inability to concentrate on important matters
- Lost peace and sleep, sometimes all this turns into the disease “neurosis” or depression
- Depressed state from lack of reciprocity from the object of love
