How to respond to criticism correctly

October 26, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Angelica Braldi

“I react sharply to criticism,” this statement can be heard quite often. People often worry about their sensitivity. After all, a painful reaction to critical remarks not only interferes with personal growth, it can also create many problems. For example, if your boss makes a remark, an overly nervous reaction can harm your career. What if a friend criticizes the new dress? Resentment can cause a break in a relationship.

A painful reaction to comments can harm a person’s work results. Nervous perception makes it difficult to see mistakes made and correct them.

Rule 1 - Calm down and observe

Do not give in to the first reaction that your mind and emotions give rise to. Yes, criticism can be unpleasant, and I know that. Sometimes, having heard such criticism, we feel that our work has not received adequate assessment, that our personal qualities have been called into question. Differences between one's own expectations and the opinions of other people create unpleasant dissonance: resentment, irritation, bitterness and anger provoke a reaction of desperate defense or aggressive attack on the criticizing person. There is nothing strange or surprising in this; this is how we are forced to act by the protective psychological mechanisms hidden in us by nature.

When we hear negative criticism, we unconsciously see a threat not only to our social position, but we also feel a threat to the ideas about ourselves that have become ingrained in us. In general, we don’t like it when people say things about us that we are not used to thinking about ourselves.

Therefore, it happens that we react passionately and violently to criticism. This is, one might say, an automatic mental reaction. But where there is automatism, there is not always room for common sense and understanding. Anger and resentment narrow the field of your perception, they rivet all your attention only to yourself: you think much more about how to protect yourself from criticism or how to find weaknesses in this criticism than about how much it can help you.

But if you calm down and relax, wait out the first stormy wave of emotions, then your perception will become free from the overwhelming feelings, and you will see a lot more that you have not seen before. For example, the fact that there is some truth in a critical assessment, albeit too subjective. And if you take it into account, it will help you avoid many mistakes in the future. Or, on the contrary, you will understand that the remark was completely unfair, and the person who made it was in a bad mood, which provoked him to make an unkind assessment of you and your work.

A calm mind can see much more and think much more constructively than a mind affected by strong emotions.

So before you get into an argument or respond to an email containing unpleasant information about your work, try to calm down. There are many different techniques that will help you quickly pull yourself together and restore mental balance:

Slowly count to ten in your head
Take several deep, slow breaths in and out with your belly.
Write down all your thoughts and write all your feelings on paper before you respond. What do you feel? What do you think? Spit it out on paper, not on a person

These are good and effective techniques that will help you “wait out” the first reaction and relax.

But in this case (if time permits) I like to simply observe my mind. To see how he worries and rushes about under the heat of the fire of my wounded self-esteem. How he becomes prejudiced, ceases to understand, and freezes in a belligerent stance in order to rush at the offender. How he showers me with heaps of flattery and self-justification to make criticism less painful...

Instead of giving in to the first reaction, just quietly observe it. As soon as you notice that your mind has again begun to come up with cunning ways to protect itself from the attacks of criticism, turn your attention back to observation. So you will not only see how the violent reaction gradually weakens and comes to naught, you will also learn a lot of new things about yourself, about how your mind behaves, how your psyche works. You will learn much more from dispassionate observation of yourself than from all the psychology textbooks combined!

But there is no need to somehow condemn this reaction of your mind. Remember, there is nothing wrong with it, because it is natural. We are so designed by nature that we can react to criticism in this way. Therefore, treat this reaction with love and understanding, but at the same time, try not to give in to it, but to remain a spectator, not involved in the performance.

If you learn this, then it will be much easier for you not to give in to any emotions (anger, irritation), you will be able not to react to them immediately, but to use the time to come to the best solution to the problem you are faced with. This skill is very useful in life. It will help you avoid many quarrels, scandals and simply difficult situations. You will see that the first reaction is strongest only for a few seconds: once you hold out for this time and do not give in to the first wave, it will be much easier for you to pull yourself together.

Hello, dear readers! None of us are perfect, that's true. But none of us likes it when other people criticize him or his actions. How to deal with criticism from a stranger and what to do with your own internal criticism, which can be much harsher than someone else’s?

For some, someone else's criticism of oneself can only slightly spoil the mood, but for others it can cause anger, aggression and cause lengthy soul-searching.

The presence of self-criticism in a person can play both a positive and negative role for him.

On the one hand, self-criticism helps us see our mistakes, work on ourselves and improve, on the other hand, when there is a lot of it, it prevents us from carrying out any activity, lowers our self-esteem and completely “cuts down” any ideas.

Today we want to talk to you about how to respond to criticism correctly and how to deal with the inner critic? This is what our article is about today.

Content:

Calm down and listen

As you know, criticism can be constructive and contain a rational grain that points out shortcomings in your work or the wrong approach to something.

Or it can be destructive in nature and based on an accusatory principle. Such criticism cannot teach you anything or point out flaws. Most often, such criticism comes from the lips of those people who themselves are far from ideal.

But much more often we hear criticism of a mixed type, when constructive comments are diluted with accusatory or offensive epithets.

And in order to understand whether criticism contains at least some rationalism, you need to listen to it. And not just listen, but also listen. This is the most difficult moment, since each of us has his own defensive reaction in a situation when negativity falls on him: someone starts shouting back, someone cries, someone puts an invisible barrier between themselves and the critic, and so on.

In addition, having calmed down, you will be able to quickly find arguments to explain your behavior or point out why you performed this or that action.

To calm down, try counting to ten in your head or focusing on deep inhalation and exhalation; at this moment, as a rule, your opponent will throw out all the destructive component of his criticism.

Ask for facts

Aristotle said:

Criticism can be easily avoided by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.

Therefore, criticism is an important component of any direction of your activity. You can hear it at work from colleagues or bosses, or from loved ones, from your man or girlfriend.

If you understand that the criticism is constructive, ask your opponent to provide facts or detail his claim. This will help you better understand what you are doing wrong.

If the criticism is destructive, a request to detail and “sort out” your claim will throw the critic into a stupor, since unproductive criticism most often has no good reason and is based only on personal hostility.

Separate arguments from tone

Sometimes, in order to understand the essence of criticism, one must abstract from the tone in which it is pronounced. The tone may be irritated or even hostile, but the meaning of the words will be quite clear and indicate obvious errors.

Here, as in the first method, you should “hold back” your first reaction so as not to “break the woods” in response.

You can also ask the critic to voice his complaint again, but in a calmer tone, which will give you the opportunity to understand the essence of the problem and think about how to fix it.

Solutions are not always on the surface; you may have to check several options for getting out of the current situation, but you should not give up.

Use for improvement

If criticism is rational, it is useful because it points out obvious shortcomings. Such criticism should be taken as a basis for self-education or improving your skills.

For example, you regularly fail to complete your main tasks because someone distracts you with small errands or other worries. In this case, you should learn to correctly prioritize the completion of certain tasks.

Planning and time management techniques can help you with this, which will teach you to take a more structured and collected approach to achieving your goals.

You can learn these skills thanks to one of the video courses:

— “The Master of Time – highly productive time management according to Evgeniy Popov’s system” — “Time management, or how to increase your efficiency”

Abstract yourself

One of the effective techniques for calmly accepting criticism is to abstract yourself. Try to look at the situation from the outside. This is not a stream of complaints being poured out on you, but on someone else. Do you agree with the critic? Or is his entire speech unfounded and lacking any compelling arguments?

This method allows you to both calmly respond to the critic’s speech and determine whether it is rational or groundless.

Abstraction is also useful when evaluating the results of your activities. Rise above the task, imagine if someone else did it, would you be happy with the result? What did he do wrong? All this will help avoid mistakes in the future.

Smile

"Smile and wave!" - a phrase from one famous children's cartoon.

This method is suitable for destructive critics, whose claims are not substantiated and are intended only to hurt you as an individual. You should not get involved in such an “energy struggle,” as it will deprive you of your moral strength.

Just smile and agree with the critic; such an answer will definitely discourage him.

Intrusive thoughts

We have figured out how to deal with criticism coming from strangers, but what should we do if criticism comes to us from within ourselves? The psychology of this case is, of course, different, and the methods for assimilating this criticism will also be different.

Our inner critic usually appears uninvited, formulating his thoughts clearly, in short sentences, which are sometimes perceived by us as immutable facts.

“You won’t succeed”, “you’re not smart enough for this”, “you don’t know how to contact people”, “you’ll expose yourself to ridicule” and other judgments.

And although such thoughts flash through our heads quite quickly, they can be so convincing that we give up any ideas, lower our self-esteem by several points, and even spoil our mood.

You definitely suffer from such attacks of self-dislike if you have at least one of the following signs:

“From one extreme to another” is about you. There are no compromises or middle ground, either everything is great or everything is terrible.
You do not attach importance to the achievements that you have, devalue them and do not take them seriously.
It’s easy for you to try on other people’s problems for yourself, and you often do just that.
You make hasty conclusions based on isolated cases, i.e. Roughly speaking, something didn’t work out the first time, so you immediately think that you are unsuitable for it.
You perceive all compliments with a touch of negativity.
There are no words in your dictionary: “normal”, “good” or “excellent”. Everything can only be “bad” or “terrible.”
You do not feel compassion for yourself when you fail, and you do not reward yourself for success.

Do you recognize yourself in one of the points? This means the inner critic is “visiting” you too!

What to do in this case and how to deal with it? There are several different techniques, which we will discuss below.

Let's get to know each other better

The essence of this technique is that you let your inner critic speak out fully. How to do this? All you need is a pen and a notepad. Now let him speak, and don't stop him.

Write everything that comes to your mind, everything that he “tells” you. At first it may be difficult, but then the words themselves will flow like a river, just have time to write them down.

And then there are two possible scenarios:

The voice of the inner critic will become so disgusting to you that you will simply internally tell it to shut up and begin to give arguments in your own defense.
The inner critic's statements will become so exaggerated that they will begin to make you laugh and amuse you. It will also force you to give up these thoughts on your own.

Analysis

The second method also requires that you need a notepad and pen. But now you just need to write down your thoughts, as well as the feelings that arose after them.

This could look like a table where you give the idea itself, for example, “my friend is much more sociable than me.”

And then you provide data about your state at this moment and after, for example, emotions - dissatisfaction with yourself; physical condition – cheekbones are tense; behavior - you stop communicating with people even more.

After a couple of weeks of keeping such a diary, you will need to analyze the results. Perhaps you will see that all your worries concern only one aspect of your personality. In this case, it will be easier for you to take measures to fill this gap.

For example, in a situation with communication, pay attention to the development of this skill by reading Pierre Frank’s book “How to become self-confident. Just 6 minutes a day. Training book .

Description

It probably won’t be a discovery for you that “each of us is unique.” After all, this statement has long been fixed in your mind. So strong that you often forget about it or don’t take it seriously. Here is a book that will make you believe in yourself! The author is convinced that this will only take 6 minutes a day. Various kinds of exercises will help the reader understand himself and clear his mind of all unnecessary things; will teach self-respect and raise self-esteem. The only condition that must be observed is consistency. Don't break it - and everything will work out!

From this book, the reader will learn how to get rid of a negative attitude and form a positive image of oneself; understand your shortcomings and learn to use your strengths. This is not just a vague theory, but practical tasks and useful recommendations; vivid examples and simple exercises. Thanks to 6-minute exercises a day, you will become 100% confident in yourself and your abilities.

Who is this book for?

For a person who strives to work on himself and wants to increase his self-esteem.

Achievements Diaries

This technique is aimed at raising your self-esteem and preventing your inner critic from even saying a word.

You will again need a notepad and pen. Only this time you need to write down all the achievements that you have achieved in life, even if they seem insignificant to you. Do this every day.

And in moments when an inner critic comes to you, re-read the pages with your achievements, and they will gradually push into the background the words that your self-criticism utters.

To reinforce the effect of the diary, ask someone close to you to read it and encourage you. It is doubly pleasant to hear praise from the lips of a loved one.

brotherly shoulder

The essence of this technique is that you need to imagine a person who is just as critical of himself. How would you cheer him up? What words would you find for him? What would you say to make him change his mind? What strengths would you note about him?

You can write all this down, or you can just leave it in your head. And when your own inner critic comes to you, remember these words, address them to yourself, learn to encourage yourself.

An excellent assistant in this matter can be the book by Dominique Loro “The Art of Living Simply. How to get rid of unnecessary things and enrich your life .

What is this book about

Philosophers of the past, mystics, Christians, Buddhists, Indian sages for centuries persistently reminded us of the main condition for a happy life - the desire for simplicity. Simplicity allows us to live freed from prejudices, restrictions and inertia that prevent us from focusing and become a source of stress and problems. It's time to recognize how dangerous excesses and abundance are - discover the joys of simple life to find harmony with yourself.

Do you often face criticism? How do you take comments addressed to you? Tell us. Do you often become so self-critical of yourself that you put off implementing any ideas until later? Share your experiences with us.

To reduce criticism, you need to work on yourself every day. Our blog will tell you how to do this!

Rule 2 - Use criticism as an opportunity to improve

Criticism is not always a reason to undermine your dignity or offend you. She can serve as a reliable assistant who will point out your weaknesses or the weaknesses of the project you are working on. It is not very correct to cover your ears and resist when such an assistant is talking to you. But this is exactly what people do who react violently to criticism addressed to them.

If you listen to this helper, you will learn a lot about yourself and perhaps become a better person! If criticism points out your weaknesses that you can improve, then this is not a reason to be upset at all! After all, you will most likely say thank you to the person who tells you in time that your car’s brakes are faulty. You will immediately take your car to a service center and possibly save your health or life. Why is it so difficult for us to accept unfavorable criticism about ourselves?

Accept it with gratitude and use it to your advantage! And rest assured, almost any personality trait can be developed. Therefore, do not take criticism as a sentence and a reproach to yourself!

But what if criticism is aimed at qualities that you cannot change? Moreover, there is no reason to worry about her! What's the point of grieving over something you can't fix? Learn to accept circumstances as they are.

Strategy Four: Maintaining Self-Respect

The person who reacts adequately to criticism is the one who knows how to divide it into constructive and subjective, and not the one who immediately blindly accepts any comments. What does this mean in practice? The fact that you need to apologize only when there is something for it. Defects should be corrected only if they actually exist. It is necessary to respect yourself, your point of view and your own vision of something.

For example, if someone makes a comment about the dress you have chosen, you should not start making excuses or immediately change your clothes. Of course, you shouldn’t take criticism with hostility either.

But how to behave in order to maintain self-respect? If criticism comes from friends, friends, parents or colleagues of equal status, then it’s quite possible to laugh it off. But what if the boss makes a remark? After all, even if the boss is wrong, and what he considers a shortcoming is not such, it is hardly appropriate to defend one’s position. Of course, there are leaders in the world who are ready to discuss the instructions given, but this is very rare.

The strategy of behavior in such a situation does not change. You should not make excuses or apologize for shortcomings, unless they are actually mistakes and blunders. A polite phrase is enough to let the boss know that he has been heard. For example, something like this: “Thank you, I’ll definitely take it into account.”

Rule 3 - Ask for details

Sometimes it's worth clarifying a criticism. First of all, thank the person for their critical comment. Next, you should make sure that you understood him correctly: you can clarify some aspects of his remark. For example: “what do you mean by lack of references to sources”, “give an example, please!”

This will not only buy you time, but also clarify, detail the criticism and change your reaction to it. For example, at first it seemed to you that the quality of your work in general was being questioned, but after clarifying the criticism, you became convinced that it was only about a separate aspect of your work: “Okay, I’ll give an example. In the “software” section you do not have an analysis of the sources you relied on. I also did not see a detailed analysis in the “technical solutions” section. As for the remaining 12 sections, there is enough analysis there.”

Agree, such criticism is much easier to accept than the generalized statement “you do not cite sources in your work.” People tend to generalize, so ask them to clarify their comments and support them with specific examples. The same applies to life situations, not just work situations. Instead of arguing with your wife because she called you irresponsible, ask her in what situations you are irresponsible and how often such situations occur. Ask her to give examples. It is always easier to agree with examples than with abstract accusations. You can’t argue with facts; they help dot the i’s. Maybe you'll find out that you really aren't being very responsible with your life and something needs to change. Or you will come to the conclusion that the facts of irresponsible behavior are exaggerated by your spouse, they are isolated. And in many situations you remain serious and decisive.

This tactic will not only help clarify what the critic meant, but will also allow you to take a time out so as not to give in to the first reaction, which can be the most destructive when you do not have the time and opportunity to relax and calm down.

"I'm not guilty!" – automatic response to criticism

Most people, upon hearing a critical remark, automatically begin to defend themselves: making excuses or explaining the situation. "Why are you late?" - “Yes, I’m almost on time! There was no bus for a long time.” “This article is no good! You are a bad journalist! - "Why is this? I tried and wrote everything correctly."

If we think about it, we will see that this automatic reaction consists of three stages:

First, a person “let” the content of criticism inside and thinks: is it true or not? “Did I really do poorly?”, “Does this dress really not suit me?”, “Am I really fat?”
Then the internal reaction “turns on”: disagreement, or resentment, or indignation.
Then comes the response to the one who criticizes: disagreement, objection, justification, counter-accusation.

What does this lead to? No good. The critic will continue to consider himself right, and, in addition to your previous sins, he will attribute to you stubbornness, or stupidity, or an inability to admit your mistakes. Then a dispute may flare up or a quarrel may occur.

But you can go another way. You just need to start with the perception of criticism, in other words, with the attitude towards critical comments.

Rule 4 - Listen to criticism

When you listen to someone's criticism, just try to listen to it! You shouldn’t immediately figure out what to answer or how to defend yourself after your first words. This way, you may miss some important details in the critic's words and look stupid when responding to him. And, of course, you should not interrupt your interlocutor, trying to give him your answer. Listen carefully to the end, this will help you better understand the other person’s words, and also collect your thoughts yourself to respond in the most appropriate way. Take a moment to consider his words. No one will judge you for this; on the contrary, this way you will demonstrate respect for someone else’s point of view. You took time to think about it, and didn't just say what first came to your mind.

And the more calmly and thoughtfully you answer, the less inappropriate criticism you will hear in response, and it will be easier for you to accept criticism. Curb your ego, but also do not insult the ego of the one who criticizes you, treat criticism with respect. If two egos clash in a duel, then disaster cannot be avoided. Mutual respect and the ability to listen prevent this clash from happening.

Concluding remarks on criticism

Please make sure that you only use these methods when you are 100% sure that the other person's intentions are bad, especially those that destroy the Ego.

These tips should only be used when dealing with harsh criticism that is in no way constructive or has any other purpose than to make you feel bad.

Contact and make an appointment Read about counseling and qualifications

Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©

Rule 5 - Make sure the criticism is relevant to its subject

Sometimes you need to make sure that the person criticizing you has a good understanding of the subject and purpose of your work. For example, I often receive critical feedback on my articles on this site. Many of them actually help me write better. But others seem to be aimed not at my article, but at another one that I did not write. For example, a person may criticize something that I did not indicate in the article. This can happen for various reasons. I may not have explained my point very well. Or the reader did not understand it very well. Perhaps he was simply too lazy to read the article to the end, but he had a desire to criticize it. I react to such criticism in different ways. Sometimes I try to figure out what causes it. Maybe I really explained something poorly and I should reframe my thoughts. Sometimes I just pass by without answering, because I don’t see the point in redoing the stable image that has formed in the mind of the reader who has altered my work in his own way.

Therefore, before you respond to criticism, you should make sure that it is addressed specifically to your work, and not to the distorted image of this work in the critic's head. There is no need to get involved in an argument about work that you did not do and react to such criticism with offense. After all, it is not addressed to your work, but to some distorted representation of it in the critic’s head. And this image may have little relation to the actual subject: do not take it personally. A person could come up with something himself, and then criticize what he himself came up with, thinking that he condemns your work. Don't fall for this illusion.

Also, this criticism should take into account the goals of this work. For example, it is not very smart to criticize a washing machine because it cannot send SMS.

When criticism is obviously false or biased

If you are one hundred percent happy with what the other person is trying to criticize. For example, if they say that a woman is fat and ugly, but she is confident in her attractiveness and is happy with her figure. Or someone condemns your religious beliefs, considers it stupid or harmful, but you sincerely think that you are living correctly.
When a person speaking negatively about you is an outright enemy. Hatred and envy almost always cause a desire to say something offensive. It is best to keep communication with such individuals to a minimum, so as not to give an unnecessary reason to “throw mud at them.”
The reason for sharp criticism is the desire to shake your self-confidence and achieve some selfish goals. This could be a competitor at work, a rival in matters of the heart - they loudly discuss your alleged shortcomings and are just waiting for you to get upset and make a mistake.

The desire to release negative emotions: “I feel bad, but she feels good, so I’ll say something offensive, let her feel bad too.” It’s a terrible habit, but it happens often and is perceived painfully by the “subject” of criticism - who likes it when they try to ruin your mood out of nowhere?
Criticism from a loved one is a desire to attract attention. For example, a husband criticizes his wife for monotonous dinners or poor cleaning of the house, if she used to sit at home and naturally blow dust off it, and suddenly went to work. She manages to cook dinner (maybe without fancy pies), takes care of the house (well, she washes the windows not every other day, but once a week), and he starts to grumble. Yes, it’s just a shame for a person that they now pay less attention to him.

We've dealt with obviously unfair criticism, but what about the one that seems objective?

Rule 6 - Get rid of the mindset that you have to be perfect

Let go of the belief that you have to be perfect and your work has to be perfect the first time. If everyone did their job perfectly, there would be no need for teamwork, meetings, and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior leaders do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person makes mistakes.

Learn to be calm about your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how reverently you treat your tasks, there will always be room for error and imperfection. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and beliefs. And the more we think about being perfect, the further we push perfection away from ourselves! What we fear eventually becomes our reality! By rejecting criticism, by rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to become better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The resilience of our illusions and shaky ideas about ourselves becomes more important to us than any development.

I will talk about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.

The critic's motives

It can be helpful to think about the motives of the person criticizing you.

If you didn’t ask for feedback, then most likely the critic is trying to “do well” not for you, but for himself. In the simplest case, it increases self-esteem at your expense. It is also possible that he is experiencing discomfort and cannot do anything about it except criticize you (“It’s your fault that I want to eat.” I.A. Krylov, “The Wolf and the Lamb”).

Understanding the critic's motives greatly helps to correctly relate to his statements. If you see that a person simply wants to belittle you, then there is no point in wondering whether his reproaches are fair, whether you need to apologize or improve. Answer in one of the two ways listed above - and forget about it.

Rule 7 - Don’t argue with other people’s impressions, listen to them

A few years ago, on one forum, I saw a request from one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea for the site was interesting. But the implementation was at a very low level: small font, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presenting information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.

Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be corrected for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at helping than at denigrating the work of this person.

But the author of the site stubbornly disagreed with the criticism. He said that the font and navigation were actually fine and the site didn't need any improvement. And the critics, in his opinion, were simply mistaken in their assessments.

But you can never be wrong in your impression! If your work has a repulsive effect on someone, then that effect is what it is. If someone says that they are uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or their eyes are strained by the colors of your design, then they are most likely not deceiving you. Yes, this impression may change over time, but now it is exactly like that and, most likely, for a reason. If you do work for people, and not to admire it alone, then it makes even more sense to listen to people’s opinions.

The author of the site I was talking about could have listened to the opinions of those who were trying to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the mindset that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knew everything better than other people, whose impressions were “wrong,” and no one except him could evaluate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He only wanted to receive praise for the work done. And he sacrificed a potentially successful project to his ego and stubbornness. His website no longer exists.

Why does it hurt so much to take criticism?

In 5 minutes I will tell you the main reason that you don’t even know about.

But first, a little story. One day, Jack Canfield, during his speech at a training, approached one of the participants and said:

“For the first time among the listeners I see such a stupid person!” ⠀

The girl was very upset, but Jack assured her that it was just an exercise. After that, he looked at the girl again and this time said: “For the first time at my seminar there is a person with green hair!” ⠀ The girl’s reaction was not long in coming, and she laughed. Jack asked why she was laughing, and the girl replied: “I don’t have green hair!” ⠀

Then Jack asked another question: “Why were you offended by me the first time?” ⠀ There was silence in the hall.... ⠀

Criticism, condemnation, and offensive words hurt you only in one case - if you agree with the critic.

Every time, taking to heart everything that was said to you, think about why it bothered you?

“Between stimulus and reaction stands our greatest strength—freedom of choice.”
Stephen Covey

No one can hurt you except yourself! To be offended, defend yourself or ignore is only your decision and your interpretation of events.

I offer you some tips that will help you save a lot of nerves and come out of the conflict as a winner!

Rule 8 - Use someone else's opinion to add perspective

Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice what others do not notice and, conversely, they do not see what you see. This is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, they seem to be in conflict.

It's like looking at the same point on the landscape, but from different angles. You are standing on a hill to the north, and your colleague is overlooking the point from the plain to the south. You see the landscape from above: the roofs of houses, the peaks of towers, but you do not realize the actual height of the buildings. Whereas, if you look at them from below, your eye will more accurately notice how some buildings differ in height from others. And the contradiction generated by looking from different perspectives is only imaginary.

Open collaboration, a willingness to accept someone else's point of view, gives volume, depth and completeness to the problem at hand, be it your relationship, your work, or yourself.

There are two types of criticism

Yes, we won’t discover America, but still. Let's say now you go to a website or an online store group on social networks and find two new comments. First: “I don’t know what kind of product this is, but it’s probably bullshit. One hundred percent bullshit. I won’t even take it.” Second: “I bought your product - well, it’s really garbage. Guys, work better!”

It is clear that in the first case, the comment was left either by a troll, or a competitor, or an eternally dissatisfied person. Well, you know the ones - they go on the Internet and leave complaints about everything they can . Why? Just like that, go understand their logic. They may not like high prices, your range, or even the fact that you work with European and American suppliers. It is useless to make ironclad arguments and prove that prices are average in the market, and quality is better in Europe. They won't understand.

The second case is much more serious. A person has already ordered your product and didn’t like it. There is a dissatisfaction of the client and a threat to your reputation. This means that you need to respond to the buyer as quickly as possible and lure him to the side of good - that is, make him loyal and friendly. This is possible - we will tell you in more detail below.

Rule 9 - Assess the situation

Ask yourself: who is criticizing you? Maybe this is a person who was opposed to you from the very beginning? Or someone who feels important when he criticizes others? Or is it your friend who loves you and wants to help you? Depending on the answers to these questions, your reaction to criticism will change.

Also ask yourself questions: why am I being criticized? Fair criticism or not? Did you understand me correctly? Have I given any reason to be criticized? You may realize that you did not convey your message clearly, which caused an unfavorable reaction. Or maybe your work actually has some flaws that you can fix instead of trying to convince everyone that it's perfect.

Dealing with criticism and lack of self-confidence

Confidence and self-esteem is certainly one of the factors that influences your tolerance for comments on your actions or words. If you are a very successful (see Psychology of Success) and famous person, and someone tells you that you are a failure, then you will think that this person cannot judge others and is just trying to boost his self-esteem. It's very unlikely that you will think that you are defective, right?

The more confident you become, the less likely it is that any negative comments will affect you.

Rule 10 - Thank you for criticism. Use it as an ego trainer

Before you jump into an argument, mentally thank the person who is criticizing you. After all, criticism helps you become better! I already wrote that it points out your mistakes and helps you avoid them. But not only truthful and polite criticism can be useful to you! No matter how strange it may sound, the most useful criticism for you may be the most unfair and offensive!

On my site, some people sometimes leave impolite, offensive and unfair comments about my articles, sometimes transferring to my personality. But it is precisely such comments that strengthen my ability to calmly respond to unflattering criticism and not give in to my emotions. I call such comments “ego trainer.” Only the most unflattering criticism can awaken my Ego and leave me alone with it, see it at the highest point of passion and curb it. It's hard and doesn't always work out. Sometimes this struggle leaves severe emotional wounds. But if these wounds are left alone, allowed to heal, and the fire raging inside to go out, then sooner or later flowers of experience, development and knowledge will appear in their place.

A “trained” ego that is immune to insults is the key to self-confidence, unshakable self-esteem and strong character!

It can be unpleasant for me to hear feedback from those who do not appreciate my work, just like any other person. Especially if a lot of energy and moral strength are invested in this work. But often it was from these reviews that some kind of breakthrough in understanding was born: strong emotions did not allow me to forget what they said to me, and I returned to these offensive words again and again. But gradually the veil of emotions subsided, and the truth was revealed. I've seen that even the most offensive criticism can contain some healthy grain. A person's angry reaction may be a result of his personal problems, but at the same time, it may be caused by something in me and point to something. Even if his personal perception greatly distorted what he was trying to tell. But I can take his message and decipher it, remove all unnecessary things from it and use it for myself!

Therefore, remember that whatever criticism may be: soft or aggressive, truthful or inadequate, motivated by love or hatred, it can all become useful to you! You may find grains of truth in it. And even if you don’t find it, it will temper and strengthen your ego. Therefore, always thank people for criticism (not necessarily with words, you can do it in your mind), because they provide you with an invaluable service, even if they themselves don’t realize it!

Why is criticism dangerous?

Threat to reputation. Word of mouth has not yet been canceled: people listen to the opinions of others. And, what is especially sad, they especially listen to the negative. Even if you explain with your fingers that the critic is wrong, a sediment may remain.
Fines, inspections, court hearings. Particularly active scoundrels may take the time to complain about you to various authorities. There is only one way out: make sure that everything is in accordance with the law. And, of course, do not post dubious photos and videos online. You never know!
Spoiled mood. We are all human: well, it’s unpleasant when they write nasty things about you! Nevertheless, we do not advise you to get angry, delete dubious reviews, or, even worse, strike back. Everyone likes to read squabbles between companies, brought into the information space. Some even advertise on this, catching their own hype. But those who manage not to respond or resolve the conflict peacefully are certainly worthy of respect.

Rule 11 - Consult statistics

Criticism is often subjective. Instead of losing your peace of mind because of the opinion of a single person, think about what other people think about the subject of criticism? If someone criticized your work, find out how your other colleagues rated it. If someone has criticized you personally, remember what your friends think of you. They communicate with you, love and respect you despite all your shortcomings. You can also ask yourself, what do you think about yourself and your work? You also have a great right to vote and participate in these statistics! Often we worry so much about another person's opinion that we forget to ask ourselves what we really think about it.

Opinions can be subjective, we all know this very well, but we do not use this knowledge. Thousands of laudatory reviews about us and our work can pass us by unnoticed. But one single negative review can deprive us of our mood for whole days! But such reviews will inevitably arise, especially if your work is evaluated by many people. (Remember Aristotle’s aphorism at the beginning of the article?) This is natural. You can't be perfect. You can't please everyone.

Pitfalls to Avoid When Being Criticized

The desire to give in to emotions

The first reaction (anger, resentment, desire to hurt in response) repeats the reaction to stress, and it is always wrong. Many rush into a counterattack and begin to hurl retaliatory accusations, others remain shocked in silence, and still others make excuses. None of this is adequate to solve the problem. Therefore, it is important to put emotions aside

. If this is not possible right now, try to take a timeout and wait until you calm down.

Feeling tense

Listening to criticism is the same stress factor for the body as falling from a height. To minimize damage when hitting the ground, you need to relax your body muscles as much as possible.

. The same rule works in a situation where someone criticizes your actions. Negative feedback causes most people to tense up because they expect to get hurt and subconsciously want to block the pain, but instead only make things worse. Try to calm down, relax your muscles, control your breathing.

Striving to respond as quickly as possible

It’s better to think carefully about what has been said, and if possible, take time to think. Take a deep breath, focus on your emotional reaction and the nonverbal message of the critic. Focus on the fact that you want to resolve the conflict, not make it worse

If you can't postpone the conversation, use delay tactics by reflecting back what the person said. Repeat his thought: “Are you saying that...?” Or say directly that you need a few minutes to collect your thoughts.

An attempt to make excuses

Think: what if what was said is true? To evaluate criticism more objectively, imagine that there is another person in your place.

and you look at the actions he performed on behalf of someone else. How would you evaluate your actions, the result of your work, etc.? Justified criticism (that is, one that you yourself have justified) causes less negative emotions and can be more beneficial to you.

Remember: negative feedback, like failure, is a good opportunity for self-improvement, it is an incentive to look at yourself from the outside.

Rule 12 - Don't get involved in pointless arguments

Try to listen to criticism if it is reasonable, and simply ignore it if it is not true. This will save you time and nerves. In my article “how to stop arguing” I wrote the following. When a person argues, his mind is completely focused on attacking his opponent or defending his own point of view. He is not interested in the truth, he either defends himself or attacks, being unable to understand and perceive. This prevents you from benefiting from criticism and improving, and also gives rise to many unpleasant emotions.

Of course, meaningless disputes should be avoided, but this does not mean that in situations where the public is waiting for your answer, you should silently accept any, even the most unfair criticism. Sometimes you still need to pay attention to the shortcomings of criticism or its inconsistency with its subject.

Never “swallow” a grudge

Scientists have long proven that many diseases are caused by nerves. Never be silent, learn to express your emotions. If you are offended, scared or unpleasant, tell the offender about it.

Personally, I believe in psychosomatic illnesses. I notice with many clients that those who do not know how to talk about their pain often suffer from colds and especially sore throats. A sore throat is a “hello” from the body. It signals that a “lump” of unspoken grievances has accumulated in him. Strong grievances can even turn into cancer. Therefore, the sooner you start talking, the better.

Learn to ask counter questions:

What exactly do you not like?
Why do you think it will be better this way?
Why is it so important for us to do this?
Am I hearing you correctly that you didn’t like...?

Counter questions usually cool down the critic and shift the focus of attention to a peaceful direction. Learn to use the I-message technique that I talked about above.

By the way,

Self-esteem test +5 steps to move forward