1 3656 March 28, 2020 at 03:59 Author of the publication: Natalya Telesheva, foreign language teacher
My husband just loves to argue. At home, at work or in the company of friends - he will find an opponent everywhere. When he thinks that a person is wrong, he will definitely correct his interlocutor and will persistently continue to argue if he does not agree with him.
“I don’t think it’s bad,” he replies to all my persuasion to quit this habit. – This is the desire to explain to a person that he is mistaken. After all, I argue in an area where I am a professional, where I know exactly what I’m talking about.”
But sometimes his obsessive desire to argue goes beyond all boundaries. It has gotten to the point that in the company of our mutual friends, everyone moves away from him or is looking for an excuse to quickly leave the party when he arrives. “They are simply afraid of an intelligent interlocutor,” my husband notes self-confidently.
Who are they - those who like to argue?
Why is insisting on your own point of view so important for some people? What makes them voluptuously prove that they are right? Let's try to figure this out with the help of System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Every person from birth has certain sets of mental properties - vectors that are responsible for a person’s interests, his motives for behavior and desires. For example, a person who is vehemently passionate about an argument has an anal vector.
From the outside it may seem that a person with an anal vector is always looking for an opportunity to argue, but this is not entirely true. Valuable concepts for him are truth and honesty. An anal person maintains order and precision in everything: in any statements, judgments and views. Measure twice, cut once - that's about him. The more difficult it is for him to remain on the sidelines when another makes a mistake in front of his eyes. If he believes that his interlocutor is wrong, then sometimes he cannot remain silent, since strong tension arises inside his psyche. At such moments, he simply needs to correct the mistake at all costs, that is, to prove to the person that he is wrong.
Finding a mistake or a fly in the ointment, separating right from wrong, clean from dirty, is the natural task of any person with an anal vector. Possessing excellent memory and a thirst for knowledge, he can study and remember large amounts of information. This allows the bearer of the anal vector to become a professional in his field, a real master, able to see the slightest inaccuracies and blots.
How to prepare for an argument
Separate productive and unproductive conflicts
Any conflict is a signal that people are not happy with something. But not in every dispute the parties strive to find a common solution and change the situation for the better. Sometimes people get into arguments to vent negative emotions and personal animosity. From such a dispute you will get nothing but empty swearing and unnecessary stress. If other participants in the conflict are not focused on positive changes, it is better not to enter into it. And if you understand that everyone is determined to find a way out of the situation, then we advise you to adhere to the following rules. They will help you conduct discussions more effectively.
Set goals and set the mood
Remember: you are here to find the best solution to a problem, not to argue. There is no need to compete, because if you make progress, the whole team will win. Before the discussion begins, make it clear that all opinions are welcome. Establish equality among all participants in their right to speak. But remember that not all points of view carry equal weight. Please note to the team that proposals are put forward by people with different competencies and degrees of involvement in the problem. This will determine whose opinion is given priority in the dispute. This will create a friendly research atmosphere in which all parties will enjoy working.
Understand the rules
Think through and discuss the stages: how much time it will take to collect opinions, evaluate them and make a final decision. Agree on how you will choose the right exit. If this is a vote, you need to think about its order. If everything is decided by the leader’s word, determine what criteria and arguments will satisfy him. Find out in advance who must agree on decisions and in what form. Will verbal approval be enough to move forward, or will a formal document with a seal and signature be required? Clear regulations will help avoid conflicts and misunderstandings.
I like it when my opinion is respected
Another important feature of the owner of the anal vector is respect for authoritative opinion. A person with an anal vector always respects his mentors and the older generation. He is a connecting thread between the past and the future, taking knowledge from his ancestors and passing it on to the new generation. Therefore, experience is a significant category for him, and an experienced person makes him want to listen and follow advice.
However, it is no less important for the owner of the anal vector that his opinion is also valued and respected, because respect and honor are his values. He shows undisguised sympathy for those who listen to his opinion. But sometimes life circumstances or the burden of psychological problems do not allow an anal person to fully realize himself. Sometimes it is not possible to get a decent job where his professionalism will be valued and respected. And sometimes there is no ability, no education, no desire at all. In this case, he feels dissatisfied and tries to compensate for his frustration: it becomes even more important for him to show that he is an authority for others, so he begins to impose his view of life on others, proving that he is right.
I won't go to kindergarten, mom.
“Stubborn and stubborn” - this is what they say about avid debaters with an anal vector. The roots of stubbornness often begin in early childhood.
Anal children are very obedient. They do everything correctly, scrupulously and efficiently in order to receive praise and approval from their dear and beloved mother. But it happens that a mother does not have an anal vector and has a completely opposite type of psyche - skin. Every minute is important for her, she does everything quickly, instantly switching from one task to another, and often simply does not understand her slow child.
Such a skinny mother may not listen to the anal baby, interrupt, rush, and due to her natural tendency to save words and emotions, not even praise the child. As a result of such an attitude on the part of the mother, the child with the anal vector simply falls into a stupor. He pouts his lips, gets offended, becomes stubborn and mutters under his breath, insisting: “I won’t go to kindergarten, mom.”
Unfortunately, from such, at first glance, trivial childhood insults, a heavy load of great internal resentment against the mother accumulates. Often a person with an anal vector carries this trauma throughout his life.
When a stubborn boy grows into an adult man, he constantly clings to every opportunity to be right, engaging in pointless arguments. Unconsciously, he is not arguing with his opponent. He proves that he is right to his mother by getting stuck in past grievances, simply because he was not understood, not listened to, or praised.
King of the Hill: why and why we argue
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I don’t know about you, but I often hear the phrase: you can’t argue with her/him. And every time I ask the question: why? Why try to argue with someone? Why do you need this yourself? And then: have you ever wondered what is behind this behavior of an “invincible debater”? They usually talk about character, natural irascibility, temperament, but personally, over many years of practice, I have made a very simple conclusion: only those who want to prove their worth to others argue.
What does it mean? This means that a person constantly needs confirmation of his own importance - his self-esteem and self-confidence are firmly tied to this. If such a person feels that he is wrong or someone else’s opinion seems more justified to him, he experiences stress, a feeling of awkwardness and sometimes even humiliation. This is because he is extremely dependent on the assessment of others and cannot come to terms with the fact that he is wrong or that someone else’s opinion is more sympathetic to others. It is because of this that he is aggressive, unbalanced, always ready to rush into battle in order to “foam at the mouth” to prove that he is right – and therefore, his worth. This behavior is designed to hide his vulnerability. Such people perceive criticism addressed to them extremely painfully and acutely, and they also really do not like to find themselves in a position where they do not know something or when someone knows more than them.
Is it possible to do something about this? Can. Firstly, stop comparing yourself to someone – once and for all. It's time to finally understand that you don't have to be the “best”: the smartest, the most well-read, the most right, the most fair. As soon as you understand this, everything will get better, the world around you will no longer be hostile. You will stop playing the game “King of the Hill” and finally do something enjoyable in the company of nice and helpful people.
Secondly, stop taking everything too seriously. If we do not attribute excessive importance to the process of dispute and are not too concerned about winning it, then the meaning of the dispute itself disappears. It is important to stop thinking that you need to be right at any cost, because such thoughts and needs are nothing more than a manifestation of weakness and self-doubt.
Yes, this is not easy to do, because you have years of furious arguments behind you. To begin with, try to shift the center of gravity from your importance, confirmation of which you are always looking for, at least to the content of the dispute itself. And understand: in a dispute, everyone can be right in their own way. You have your own point of view - so live with it, you don’t need to prove it to others. However, there is no need to forcibly change your point of view under the influence of others.
And, of course, strive to become a confident person. Such people have no need to win the discussion. In general, as a rule, they do not get into arguments and behave quite peacefully: their self-esteem does not require reinforcement. They are not afraid to lose and do not want to win. They have their own point of view, and at the same time they respect the opinions of others. If in the process of working or communicating with others they have disagreements, they discuss them and come to some kind of common decision.
But for this you need to be a confident and psychologically stable person. Try it, you will like it.
We bet?
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I can't accept someone else's opinion
Possessing persistence and the desire to see things through to the end, a person with the anal vector will often not give in in an argument, making every effort to end up being the only one in the right. Being the best, ideal is another value in life for such a person.
Moreover, even if during an argument it becomes obvious to a person with an anal vector that he is not entirely right, it is quite difficult for him to admit it. In this regard, the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us another aspect of the psyche of such a person.
The fact is that accepting everything new, including an opinion that is unusual for oneself, is stressful for any carrier of the anal vector. He needs to get used not only to new external conditions, but also to new thoughts, new information. Someone else’s opinion is not his own, it is very difficult to accept. Therefore, it takes time to adapt to a different point of view.
What a disgrace!
The reluctance to admit one's mistake is aggravated by the fear of embarrassing oneself in front of other people. This fear can only arise in a person with an anal vector. Hence the fear of public speaking.
Therefore, during an argument, a person with an anal vector stands his ground. Otherwise, he risks being wrong, that is, imperfect, and this means a loss of authority - a shame. For an anal person, this is a huge mental stress, from which he unconsciously tries to protect himself.
Who are sapiosexuals?
Sapiosexuals are people who consider intelligence to be the most sexually attractive personality trait. To be fair, we note that sapiosexuality is a rather common term and is not recognized at the scientific level. Sexologists and psychologists agree that we are not talking about a person’s physiological predisposition or inclinations, but about a fascination with the intellect and cultural savvy of people.
Sapiosexuality is not included in the orientation and basic elements of human sexuality. It develops as a separate socio-social movement.
Experts say that a caring attitude towards intelligence and intelligence is just the initial criterion for choosing a partner. And he absolutely does not exclude the possibility that sexual attraction will arise between people in the future.
Sapiosexual can be called a man or woman for whom intellectual exchange is first important in establishing contact with a partner.
That is, intellectual interest awakens first. Typically, for such people, intellect serves as a spark to ignite more intimate and deeper relationships. However, very often they remain platonic.
Sapiosexuals like people who do not hesitate to talk about their views, are ready for debate and are not afraid of being branded as eccentrics. Their dissent is a powerful trigger for a sapiosexual. After all, it is precisely this that makes you look at the world and things from an unexpected side and develop that very New point of view.
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The term was first proposed by British actress Marianne Faithfull. Then, by briefly dropping this term in an interview, she laid the foundation for a new mainstream. The actress simply gave a name to something that had been on the public’s tongue for a long time.
Let's argue?
With sufficient realization at work, the carrier of the anal vector is much less likely to get carried away by unnecessary disputes, since he receives great pleasure from his activities, and not from proving his rightness to everyone who disagrees.
The correct implementation of the properties given by nature gives a person the opportunity to engage in the activity for which he was born. So, for example, a person with an anal vector finds himself perfectly in teaching or any editorial work. In the profession of a teacher, mentor or coach, more than anywhere else, it is necessary to be able to teach, transfer your knowledge and skills to others and, of course, correct inaccuracies.
In such activities, the authority of the anal person is reinforced by the presence of more experience and professionalism than the students, and he does not have to prove his case at every corner.
