We all make mistakes. There are no people who would never make a single mistake in their life. Moreover, we make mistakes every day! And there's nothing wrong with that. Many people wonder how to deal with their mistakes so that their self-esteem does not suffer. It's actually not difficult at all. You just need to know that only those who do nothing make no mistakes.
Quite often we notice the mistake ourselves. But there are times when they purposefully start pointing out to us that we did something wrong. How to behave in this situation?
Why you need to know about cognitive distortions
Errors need to be corrected.
And to do this, they need to be found. Cognitive distortions are cleverly disguised as normal thought processes - it will not occur to anyone that something went wrong in the reasoning. There are many cognitive distortions.
Wikipedia lists 175 ways of self-deception - a huge number. Some are somewhat similar, some duplicate each other. It is impossible to learn and know everything all the time, but from time to time it is useful to look through the list of errors, find your favorites and get rid of them.
How to correct a past mistake. How to correct past mistakes
I recently conducted a survey in my group of people studying with me on various topics in personal coaching and not a single person told me that they would like to leave the past as it was left in their memory.
Everyone has had something in their life that they would like to fix, rewrite, “do differently.” Today let's answer the question: “Is it possible and how to correct the mistakes of the past?”
There is a chance
The most common mistakes of the past, which, in my opinion, can be corrected, relate to people. I will give two examples.
They offended another person. Most of us are haunted by a similar incident when we offended, hit, or humiliated someone. If this person is alive and well, we always have the opportunity to find him and ask for forgiveness. Only pride gets in the way, but you can “agree” with it.
Example two. They sent the child to an orphanage. One woman I know for a long time hid the truth from her husband that once in her youth she sent her son to an orphanage. This act haunted her, every year it poisoned her life and destroyed her family happiness. An even greater punishment for her was the inability to become pregnant again and give birth to a child.
One day she made up her mind and told everything to her husband. The next day they went to the orphanage and a month later she managed to pick up her son.
Just think how many similar stories there are in our lives. If possible, try to do something: find out how your child is, whether you should appear in his life, or just thank God that everything is fine with him and calm down. Not knowing how the child you abandoned lives is what primarily haunts you.
Any person you offend remembers you 78% of the time. It is also difficult for him to come to terms with what he has experienced. Therefore, make an effort on yourself, find the one to whom you are guilty, apologize, repent. By doing this you will calm not only your soul and conscience, but also the person whose feelings you have defiled.
When it's too late
Correcting past mistakes related to circumstances that can no longer be built differently is impossible. But you can change your attitude towards them. To do this, it is important to earn inner forgiveness of yourself. Let me give you a few examples.
Experience working in criminal structures. It sounds somewhat rude and ridiculous, but this is not uncommon. If you have had experience working in an area that goes against generally accepted moral principles, that was the case; it cannot be corrected. You can’t rewind time, but you can understand once and for all: “Yes, it happened. And what? This is an experience".
Find what gave you value. Make the best of any situation, no matter how unpleasant it may be.
You didn’t come to help when you needed it: you passed by a person who needed help, you refused a friend’s request when he needed you so much. Just answer honestly the question: “Why did I do this then?” Learn to respect your personal choices and yourself. They couldn’t help – there were reasons for that.
By focusing on the question of how to correct the mistakes of the past, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to competently manage your present and plan your future. Don’t forget about this the next time you waste your time on self-flagellation, waste your energy on self-pity.
Whatever happens, it happens not to us, but for us. You can and should get bumps on your forehead; it’s impossible to live your life without it. Yes, and it will be a little bland..
Everything is fine. It was, is and will be! - Believe the word.
Why the brain loves to make mistakes
Every distortion is needed for some reason. They appeared during the development of the brain to help a person adapt to the world, not go crazy, and save energy and time.
Buster Benson, a trainer and blogger, spent a month studying and sorting them: he made a table, cleared out duplicates, grouped the main errors. He came up with 20 template scenarios according to which the brain works.
These scripts solve four main problems:
- How to cope with information overload.
- How to act when you don't understand anything.
- How to act quickly.
- How to remember the important and not remember the unnecessary.
Today we will look at cognitive distortions that solve the first problem.
The essence of the concept
The saddest situation occurs when a person does not know how to forgive himself for mistakes, or more precisely, he does not know that he is in a state of non-forgiveness. This is a very serious psychological problem that is equivalent to an illness. And, like any illness, non-forgiveness has its own “symptoms,” which are as follows:
- Negative attitude towards yourself (you always try to take all the blame on yourself, even if you have nothing to do with it).
- No room for error (you do not allow yourself to make mistakes because you are a perfectionist who strives for the ideal).
- Denial of the essence of forgiveness. You cannot understand what forgiveness means because you do not see the meaning in it. For you, this is simply indulgence when a person gets away with everything.
- Condemnation. You always judge not only yourself, but also other people who commit unfavorable actions (in your opinion). This is an erroneous position, the basis of which is pride, which gives the right to feel like a world judge.
The first problem of the brain: too much information
Every day, the brain digests a ton of data, from how bright the sun is shining to the thoughts that pop into your head before going to bed. To avoid being overwhelmed by information, you have to choose what to think about and what to ignore. The brain uses several tricks to pull out important information.
We notice information we already know
Repetition helps you remember - this rule works even if we don’t specifically memorize the information. It is convenient for the brain to notice what it already knows. This feature is supported by several distortions.
Availability heuristic . We label any new information, relying on memories and associations that arise in memory on their own. There is a logic to this: if something can be remembered, it means it is important. Well, or at least more important than what is difficult to remember. And what arises in memory on its own? What got you hooked. What happened to you or your loved ones. Something you can see, touch, smell. In general, poor personal experience. This is what we use to understand all new information.
For example, a specialist I know went to the capital and got a great job there. And it seems to us that all residents of the capital occupy a cool position and receive a huge salary.
Base percentage error. We ignore statistics, but pay attention to special cases and draw conclusions based on incomplete data. For example, after getting a flu shot you get a cold, which means you will consider it harmful. Statistically, vaccination saves millions of lives, but you don’t care: cognitive distortions don’t care about the truth.
Deviation of attention. We notice what we think about. We pay attention to what excites us, and if something is not interesting to us, we won’t see it. Anyone who thinks a lot about clothes and is interested in brands will immediately notice a new bag from a colleague and will pay attention to the clothes of others. Those who do not celebrate holidays forget to congratulate friends and relatives - this is simply not part of their interests.
The illusion of frequency. We begin to notice the subjects we are studying and which have recently interested us. For example, you read an article about a healthy lifestyle and decided to go in for sports, consider BZHU. And suddenly it turned out that there was a fitness center or sports nutrition store on every corner. Didn't they exist before? There were, but you didn’t pay attention to the shops and gyms.
The effect of imaginary truth. The tendency to believe information that is repeated many times. It has long been known: if you tell a person a hundred times that he is a pig, the hundred and first time he will grunt.
The imaginary truth is actively used for propaganda, because it is so convenient to force people to believe in something by repeating it many times.
The effect of familiarity with the object. From several objects, we choose the one with which we are already familiar or have heard about. And the better we know something, the more we like it. Advertising works on this distortion: we heard about washing powder, came to the store and bought it simply because it seems better, because we know at least something about it. And time after time we buy this powder without trying others: so what, we’ve been using it for a long time. This distortion protects you from rash actions, but remember that the best is the enemy of the good.
Context effect. The environment influences the perception of stimuli. Even mental abilities depend on the environment: it is more convenient to read and remember text in a bright room and in silence, rather than in a stuffy subway. This effect is also used in marketing. If you come to a store and choose goods in a pleasant environment, then you agree to a higher price. One of my friends was selling an apartment and before the buyers arrived, she baked cinnamon and vanilla buns. The apartment was filled with a pleasant aroma and warmth. As a result, the housing was sold at one and a half times the market price, and this was only thanks to the buns.
Forgetting without context. The brain does not know how to search for information using keywords. Sometimes you need to remember something important, but you can’t. An association is required to pull out the necessary information from memory. For example, during an exam, a definition just doesn’t come to mind, but the rustle of the notebook pages or the smell of paper reminds you of how you wrote notes, how you learned the terms - and here it is, the definition.
The stimulus that helps you remember everything is various irritants - from sounds and smells to your mood.
The empathy gap. We underestimate the influence of internal factors on behavior. Even such banal things as hunger and thirst. The well-fed does not understand the hungry - literally. When you want to yell at someone, maybe you should have a snack or a nap instead of swearing. Therefore, we do not understand other people's actions. We don’t know in what state the person committed them.
Underestimating inaction. We condemn harmful actions. But no less harmful inaction - no. “But I didn’t do anything!” - What is there to blame a person for? Therefore, when we need to act, we stand on the sidelines and do nothing. It's safer this way.
We only notice unusual things
Bizarre, funny, bright, eye-catching information is more noticeable than boring and routine information. The brain exaggerates the importance of everything amazing and misses everything ordinary.
Isolation effect. Isolated and non-standard objects are remembered better than similar ones. It's like a number in a row of letters, a joke in a boring lecture, a noticeable package on a shelf with identical products. And if all the packaging is bright, then the minimalist one will stand out. This also includes the image priority effect: pictures are remembered better than text. And even more so with a picture in the text.
Self-reference effect. The more strongly new information is connected to us, the easier it is to remember. If the hero of a book is like us, his adventures remain in the memory for a long time.
The effect of involvement. We believe that the work or thing that we have created is more important than the things that others have created. This is our child who is the best in the world, our project is the most useful, our department works harder than anyone else for the benefit of the company.
Tendency towards negativity. We overestimate the importance of negative things. That’s why crime chronicles are so popular, and that’s why people are drawn to watch talk shows in which everything is very bad for the heroes. Moreover, one minor flaw can cancel out many positive features. This is the fly in the ointment that spoils everything for everyone. A wonderful person picks his nose in everything, and we consider this an indicator by which even his work should be assessed.
We only notice changes
We evaluate things and events not by what they are, but because of what happened to them. If something good happens, we consider the whole event positive, and vice versa. And when we compare two things, we look not at their essence, but at their differences. Difficult? Let's look at examples.
Anchor effect. Distortion when estimating numerical values. If we are introduced to an object and a number is indicated next to it, then we will make a decision based on this number. For example: a charitable foundation sends letters asking to donate money, any amount, no minimum limit. But in one letter the foundation writes: “Give me at least 100 rubles,” and in another: “At least 200 rubles.” The person who received the second letter will pay more.
This distortion is used in advertising and in stores when indicating a discount on a product.
Contrast effect. Everything is relative. And our assessment of the event depends on this comparison. For example, a person is happy that he bought something in a store, but stops being happy after he finds out that in a neighboring store the same thing costs half as much.
Framing. We react to an event depending on how it is described, and we know how to change our attitude towards the situation. The classic example is: the glass is half full or the glass is half empty. After losing money, you can say: “We lost half of the capital,” or you can: “We managed to save half of the funds.” In the first case we lost, in the second we won, although there was only one event.
Conservatism. When we receive new data that contradicts the existing picture of the world, we process it very slowly. And we change our views even more slowly. We master information that does not violate old beliefs faster. And all because of laziness: it is much easier not to notice the data than to change your views.
Money illusion . We evaluate the amount of money at face value. A million is a lot. Although, if you look at it, it’s not that much, especially if it’s a million in a weak currency. We value a number, not the actual value of money. And their real value consists of how many goods can be bought for this amount.
Biased assessment of differences. When we look at objects separately, we notice fewer differences between them than when we compare them at the same time. Sometimes it's impossible to tell twins apart, but when they're close together, you can't confuse them. Or sometimes dinner doesn't seem so greasy. Just think, it’s just durum wheat pasta and a cutlet. But if you compare such a plate with salad and chicken breast, you can immediately see the difference.
We love our beliefs
We love advice that prompts a decision that has already been made. We spit on details that contradict our beliefs.
Confirmation bias and selective perception. We look for information that confirms knowledge and position. This is the cause of eternal disputes and irreconcilable hostility. Let's say a person decides that a conspiracy is to blame for all his troubles. He will find evidence that this is exactly the case. Any arguments from opponents will fall on deaf ears or he will say that opponents are the main conspirators.
Distortion in the perception of choice . First we make a choice, then we justify it. First we buy a thing, then we figure out why we need it.
The worse the choice, the stronger the fantasy plays out in search of reasons that will justify our actions.
Ostrich effect. And this is the reason why we do not notice negative information that speaks about our choice. Like in childhood: since I don’t see you, then you don’t see me, I’m hiding.
Observer expectation effect. Our expectations determine our behavior. If we believe that regular jogging will help us lose weight, we exercise more often than if we do not believe in success. This also works in the opposite direction: if we don’t expect to be able to complete a task, then we do it somehow.
We notice other people's mistakes
But we don’t want to admit ours. So before you think you're surrounded by idiots, look at yourself. Maybe you missed some distortion?
Blind spot. We do not see cognitive distortions in our own thinking. What makes them so insidious is that they are difficult to find.
Naive realism and naive cynicism .
Who do we consider a normal person, a reference point by which we evaluate everyone and everything? Of course, myself. And anyone who disagrees with us is wrong.
How to survive a mistake in life. Steps
- 1
Think carefully: is there really no hope left? Surely you can do something else, or even use a trick. There are chances... or not. The rest of the items on this list will tell you how to deal with the consequences.
2
Go ahead and let off some steam. Try to cry. This is a natural process that you cannot escape. In addition, crying releases calming hormones, which help you relax and assess the situation more soberly. If you can’t cry, breathe deeply and evenly to calm your heart rate.
3
Repeat this phrase 10 times: “Life is crazy, but I keep my sanity.” Do it for your own good. When it all started, you might have thought that you were imagining everything, that it was just a hallucination. Well, this breakdown is not one of those that can be repaired in seconds. It is worth understanding that you are responsible for your actions. Circumstances may be dire, but you are still you. Once you feel like you're set up properly, keep reading. br>
4
Accept the worst. Even if what happened is catastrophically terrible, prepare yourself for how terrible things will be in the near future. Don't stop, be moody. Imagine dying alone in a ditch - all because of this mistake. Imagine that everything that is dear to you was taken away from you. All these thoughts are natural, and there is no way for you to fight them off, even if you naively try. Spend a couple of minutes on this, and continue reading when you're done. br>
5
Come up with a new plan. As you just imagined, life will go downhill if you continue to pretend that nothing happened. Of course, this is now out of the question! You made a mistake! Stop dwelling on the past. It's gone. Now it's time for other thoughts. Remember everything—this means absolutely everything—that you have been doing lately. Do you see? Life is a “very big” thing. There is a tiny, but still chance that you should do something else besides endlessly tormenting yourself over a mistake you made. br>
6
Free your mind from thinking about this terrible mistake. No, this is not about pretending that nothing happened: just stop thinking that this mistake is your whole life. Life is “very big.” You're probably juggling twelve things, and it's time to juggle eleven. This is directly related to the next point.
7
Think through the details. You've mastered the "whine about how everything is irrevocably ruined" task. Now your task will be to do everything right. It doesn't have to be in the area where you made a mistake, and it absolutely shouldn't. Think about everything on your plate. You can even think about what you will eat for dinner today. Start developing a plan in the most detailed and minute detail.
8
Give yourself a couple of hours of peace. Now your body is in “fight or flight” mode, and you need to calm down the raging hormones. You could move mountains, but it's not worth it. Surely you feel that it is worth carrying out repair and restoration work immediately. Do you see? Fight or flight. This is a great opportunity to kill a couple of hours. Do something that requires minimal effort from you - playing solitaire, typing, vacuuming. Your body is asking for a marathon or a fight - don't listen to it. A couple of hours later you will be much softer.
9
What to do with this information
Read and re-read. Only those errors that interfere with the perception of information are listed here, and they can be divided into four groups:
- We don't like new information.
- We pay attention only to the unusual, but do not think about the routine.
- We do not know how to objectively compare objects.
- We don't notice our mistakes.
You cannot draw correct conclusions from false data, no matter how hard you try. This is why these cognitive distortions are so dangerous: we build a picture of the world that cannot work.
If the next time you make a decision, you remember a few biases and can correct them, then you will make the right choice. And we will tell you what other distortions there are in the world.
How to correct your mistakes in life. How to correct the mistakes of your Past?
Be sure to complete all tasks in writing, otherwise it will not work with the desired effect!
1. Form a good support from your Strengths!
- Write down all your achievements (for this life), victories, everything you have achieved as a positive experience in your life.
- Thank the Higher Powers, your Destiny, your Soul for this positive experience, for the opportunities that were given, for victories and help in all achievements, revealing talents, gaining knowledge, etc. Thank you, also be sure to write in writing!
2. Find and eliminate the causes of failures and suffering in the past!
- Write down your most basic failures, losses, everything that makes you feel pain, disappointment, suffering, etc.
- For each such situation, determine and write what Fate (Higher Powers) taught you, what lesson you took (if it’s difficult to understand, you can ask me or the Healer), what you learned, what you learned (only positive ones). Answers like “I learned not to trust anyone anymore” are not accepted, this is not a lesson learned, this is resentment and pride speaking in a person. But the answer: “I learned to see good and evil in people, who can be trusted and who cannot” is a good answer, it gives wisdom and adequacy, and not stupid categoricalness and anger at people.
- For each such situation, draw short and clear conclusions - strong answers that will become a support for you in life, that give you strength, confidence and joy.
- For each such situation, write Gratitude to Fate and the Higher Powers, for training, for guidance on the “true path,” for everything that fate taught you at that moment and after, when you analyzed the lesson.
