How to make peace and get out of a conflict with dignity?

Analysis of the situation

Why do quarrels with granny happen most often? This is usually due to an absolute difference in worldviews. What is important to a granddaughter may be absolutely indifferent to a grandmother and vice versa. Moreover, in such situations, a simple heart-to-heart conversation does not help, since people of different generations always have different views and attitudes towards life.

Most often, quarrels between grandmothers and grandchildren occur for the following reasons:

• due to senile characteristics of a person (slowness, forgetfulness, laziness);
• due to the fact that the grandmother treats her adult grandson lightly, like a child;
• due to the desire of a person of the older generation to interfere in the life of a younger family member;
• due to a simple misunderstanding.

You can be rude to your grandmother for a variety of reasons. This usually happens as follows: a tired grandson returns from work or school, after which a representative of the older generation begins to give advice, ask questions, ask questions again, or read lectures. As a result, such behavior inevitably leads to an explosion on the part of the child.

It is temperament that psychologists call the most common cause of family conflicts. In such situations, the grandson must understand that a retired person can be very bored. Communication with the younger generation is a chance to once again step into youth. This is why grandparents are so persistent in trying to establish contact.

It is also always necessary to make allowances for age. In old age, it is difficult to maintain clarity of mind. Sometimes a grandmother pisses off her grandson without even knowing it. She simply asks something again, not realizing that she asked this question a few minutes ago.

To minimize insults and conflict situations in the family, you need to learn to restrain yourself. If the grandson does not respond to some question from a relative, but tries to explain the problem to her again and again, this can save him from a lot of unpleasant and awkward situations.

Someone was offended at you: how to react?

Film "The Sword in the Stone"

If you accidentally offend someone, apologize and be friendly.

Movie "Cool Georgia"

This person does not want to pay money, and it is beneficial for him to act out the offense (and really feel offended). There is no need to apologize to someone like that.

If a girl wants to be offended and doesn’t want to talk for a long time, it’s better to leave her alone and do other things. And other girls.

Taking offense is quite stupid, but many even decent people often do it. If you are offended, your reaction can be very varied. Much depends on the validity of the offense towards you, the personality of the one who is offended and the history of your relationship.

In a well-mannered person, the reaction to an insult towards him consists of a mandatory and voluntary program. The compulsory program includes three points: figure it out, understand your contribution, apologize, the free program is the choice of the final strategy. There are also three of these strategies: a gentle exit from communication, operational psychotherapy and cultivating the habit of reasonable communication.

Now let’s talk about all this in more detail, and let’s start with the “mandatory program”.

It happens that grievances flare up out of nowhere, without any serious reason. To respond adequately, you first need to understand what actually happened: who said what and what they did. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding? So, first you need to understand the offense. When figuring things out, responsible people always first of all ask themselves: what is my personal contribution to what happened, what is my personal responsibility for the offense that has arisen? If the offense against you is somehow justified, you should immediately apologize and ask for forgiveness: informally, clearly and in detail.

If you are not to blame for what happened, but the other person is offended, it makes sense to apologize in any case. Apologizing is a formality, but well-mannered people usually do it. At least: “Sorry, I understand your feelings.” Whether he will forgive or not is no longer entirely your business - people are different, but you have done your part.

However, there are no completely standard solutions here, since once being outraged by someone else’s offense is the most effective way to stop someone else’s offense. Or, suppose you understand that the offense is clearly manipulative and the person is offended only to make you guilty and avoid his responsibility. No, you shouldn’t shift responsibility from a sore head to a healthy one; there’s no need to apologize.

The mandatory program has been completed. What's next? Next are the options. Sometimes the best solution is a gentle exit from communication with a touchy person. Dealing with other people's grievances is a rotten and thankless task, and if it is possible to simply get out of problematic communication, this is usually the most reasonable decision. No showdowns, no excuses and long conversations - the longer the conversations, the more insults there are. Make a simple decision: don’t understand anything, apologize and hush it up for clarity: “Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” then smile and change the subject. Or better yet, stop communicating with such people altogether.

In principle, you should stay away from those who are offended and touchy. Touchy girlfriends, touchy girls you know—are you sure you should maintain close contact with them? Usually there are more troubles and troubles than benefits and joys.

If you are a woman, and your man is offended by you, do the same thing, but with two caveats. First, it is very likely that the man was not offended, but angry with you. Attention: if you are not absolutely sure that this is exactly his RESULT, and you admit that he is ANGRY with you, proceed from the second. Telling a man that he is offended when he is angry with you is making him doubly angry. According to men, only women and children are offended, so you should be careful here. The second caveat is that if a man is really offended by you, you should not deal with him. Men are not offended.

Further.

It’s really better not to deal with people who are touchy, but it’s not always possible to stop communicating with them so decisively. There are people who are dear, interesting, pleasant, necessary and loved - there are many people around you with whom you will communicate anyway, but it is useless to educate and re-educate them. In these cases, operational psychotherapy can help - quickly help a person relieve emotional stress and negative experiences.

It is most likely no longer worth raising a mother-in-law and teaching them how to live. You also usually can’t count on the fact that small children will understand you right away.

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​In these, let’s call them difficult cases, operational psychotherapy in the everyday version is optimal: an appropriate soft joke, distracting, letting someone talk out and other options for emotional response, emotional switching, involvement in something -interesting and attractive, just giving flowers or ice cream - all this helps a person get out of grievances, remove mental pain, get rid of anger, overcome frustration, and mitigate other negative experiences.

​​​​​​​The most win-win, but also the most “expensive” option is to give varied, always different answers, but aimed at the desired goal. The most “inexpensive” and reliable option is a typical three-point reaction: neutral, react, switch. That is, initially you react neutrally to grievances that once arise, in no way, like to this or that weather phenomenon - not because you don’t care, but in order not to create positive reinforcement for the habit of being offended around you. After this, you give the person the opportunity to react to his emotions, that is, to speak out, snore, cry a little and even swear - just to make his soul feel better! And after that, as soon as this turns out to be possible, you switch to something more positive.

You distract children with other entertainment, offer adult children appropriate activities, or include them in your positive communication. If suddenly this is your beloved girl, then flowers, care and other signs of attention are always very welcome. Moreover, you will most likely enjoy it!

And the most important and at the same time the most difficult thing is not just to remove the offense “here and now,” but to begin to slowly wean off the habit of being offended. Education, especially re-education, is an exclusively creative matter, but most often three points, three possibilities turn out to be useful here: set a format, discuss what is happening, teach reasonable communication. This is a separate large project, if you are interested, read “Cultivating Good Habits. How to wean off insults and teach reasonable communication?”

How to ask your grandmother for forgiveness

If it was not possible to avoid the conflict, you must decide to apologize. It can be difficult to step over your own pride, but it is necessary to do this so that protracted quarrels do not arise in the family.

The first advice that psychologists give is to try to get your grandmother to talk. Typically, older people like to talk, remember their youth and former friends. That is why they will gladly answer some of their grandson’s questions, forgetting about the previous offense.

Old people love their grandchildren very much, so they are always ready to forgive them any mistake. It is enough to simply show tenderness or kindness to receive ten times more warmth in return.

How to Apologize with a Gift

If a person feels that a verbal apology will not be enough, you can give a relative a gift. How should you choose a gift, and what features are important to pay attention to?

1. The gift does not have to be too expensive or overly chic. The main thing here is attention from a loved one.
2. Grandmothers really like touching gifts. For example, you can print out all your family photos from recent years and create a photo album from them. For many years, the relative will be able to look through the photographs with pleasure and remember her grandson with kind words.
3. Practical gifts are also suitable, for example, a beautiful scarf, a new frying pan, and so on.
4. But it is better to refuse humorous gifts for the simple reason that, due to her age, the grandmother may not appreciate humor.

If a grandson has managed to seriously offend his grandmother, you can always arrange a pleasant surprise for her. For example, dinner at a restaurant. Elderly people rarely go out anywhere. Such an invitation will be an opportunity for a relative to wear a new dress and meet interesting people. Such impressions will remain with her for the rest of her life, and the quarrel will immediately be forgotten.

You can also have dinner with your family. If the grandmother lives separately, such a surprise will be the best for her. Psychologists note that because of loneliness, people in adulthood often become ruder and angrier. But as soon as your loved ones remind you of yourself, their heart immediately thaws.

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Monday, June 16, 2014 01:11 + to quote book Bausova_Natalia

all posts by the author I read the topic “an elderly despot or have we gone crazy, what should I do?” I also wanted to ask for advice. My situation is this. I have an aunt, my mother’s sister, she will turn 77 this year. The character was not very good before, but with age it became even worse. She was not married, no children. They have not communicated with my mother (she is already 83 years old) and my sister for several years. They only congratulate her on her birthday over the phone. They pulled away completely. My children and I are the only relatives who communicate with her and help her. Several years ago she wrote a will for me for her one-room apartment. And now he is blackmailing with this will... And what happened recently was completely out of the blue! Auntie was leaving for a sanatorium, and I came once to check her apartment, water the flowers and pick up the bills. And now she practically accused me of theft. She started by asking why I was rummaging around in her nightstand. I was even confused, naturally I said that I wasn’t rummaging around anywhere, watered the flowers and left, and asked why she even thought that someone was “rummaging around” with her. She received an answer that she had her own marks, that something was there differently now. And she also lost her silver amulet. And in general, she knew in advance that I would say that I didn’t take anything. I answered that the most offensive thing is that when she finds her amulet, she won’t even call to apologize... To which I heard - “So you’ll give it to me!” Lord, how disgusting all this is! In response, I couldn’t resist: “Doesn’t this remind you of our grandmother, your mother, who was also stolen all the time, everything was lost? Only she was already 90 years old at that time...” “You want to say that I have insanity, it’s your insanity, greater than yours” - there was resentment! Forgive me for describing everything in such detail – there’s still some residue left! In general, it ended with me hearing what good neighbors she has (with whom she constantly manages to make trouble and throw mud at them), and that my help is not needed... My question is: how to communicate with such old people, how to behave when similar accusations. And I feel sorry for her, and she offended me very much, and I understand perfectly well that this will of hers is a fiction, at one fine moment she will easily write everything off to one of the neighbors... I really want to just step away and that’s it! (as my sister did). But I know that when my aunt REALLY needs my help, I will go again and do everything.

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What to do if the grandmother does not talk to her grandson

Sometimes the resentment towards a loved one turns out to be so strong that representatives of the older generation prefer not to have contact with their grandchildren at all. They stop communicating with them, lock themselves in their room and don’t come out for many hours. With such behavior, old people try to awaken a feeling of shame, and usually they succeed.

In such situations, the psychologist advises writing a letter to your grandmother. It should detail why the grandson did what he did, what prompted him to lose his temper. It is also necessary to write a few touching words of apology. Usually this technique works flawlessly. Moreover, grandmothers then keep such messages for years as a bright memory of the love of loved ones.

Another way to achieve forgiveness is to arrange a surprise that grandma simply cannot resist. For example, you can prepare a cake for her, on which words of apology should be written in cream. It is also recommended to come up with a poem or a cute song for grandma. Having fulfilled it, the grandson will definitely deserve forgiveness.

Of course, you can just wait until grandma cools down and forgets about the grievances, but psychologists advise not to do this. The fact is that it is very important for an old person to realize that he is needed, to have pride and independence. If a relative has really offended a person of an older generation, he should not make excuses or sit out waiting for action on his part. In such situations, you need to gather courage and say a few touching phrases about your own guilt.

Overcoming a major quarrel with your grandmother

Sometimes conflicts in the family turn out to be so serious that it is impossible to get rid of them with cakes and sweet letters. If a person did something unforgivable, for example, hit his grandmother or stole money from her, he must behave as follows:

• do not wait too long, but immediately admit your guilt and apologize;
• in the coming weeks it is necessary to show in every way that something like this will never happen again;
• you need to stay close to your grandmother all the time until she accepts an apology;
• you should give your relative a good gift as a sign of recognition of your guilt;
• you need to have a long and serious conversation about the reasons that made a person do this.

Of course, situations in life are different, and sometimes grandchildren simply cannot stand long-term communication with their grandmothers. However, this in no way justifies them. Aggressive behavior towards old people is considered low, because a grandson is a priori stronger than a woman in old age.

By all means a person should show that he repents and that something like this will not happen again. And most importantly, the grandson is obliged to instill this idea not only in the grandmother, but also in himself, so that in the future he cannot even think about a vile act.

To avoid serious conflicts in the future, the generation of fathers and mothers needs to awaken in children respect for elders from a very early age. In this case, it will be possible to minimize problematic situations. If a child knows from childhood that their grandparents must be respected no matter what they do, they are much less likely to commit a mean act.

Old people very often piss off the younger generation. Almost always they do this not on purpose, simply because of the specific characteristics of their age. However, there are cases when grandparents deliberately provoke their grandchildren into conflict in order to somehow attract their attention. The task of the younger generation in such a situation is to surround older people with care and love. Then quarrels, grievances and conflicts will remain a thing of the past, and beloved grandmothers will be able to celebrate their old age with dignity.

Larisa, Pyatigorsk

Ways to apologize to grandma

Visit your grandmother more often.
As noted above, grandmothers are very kind to their grandchildren. Therefore, to earn forgiveness, a simple apology is usually enough.

Stick to the following plan:

1. Arrange a personal meeting - come for a visit or invite them for a walk.
2. Without further ado, ask for forgiveness and say what exactly you are apologizing for.
3. Listen carefully to all comments and instructions. Having spoken out, your grandmother will definitely forgive you.
4. Ask what you can do for her.
5. Help with housework.

Be sure to be sincere so that grandma sees that you truly repent. It will not be difficult for an adult, wise person to understand whether he is being deceived or not.

If an elderly relative refuses to discuss the sensitive topic of your quarrel and does not make contact, this is not a reason to let the situation take its course. Unresolved grievances will not lead to anything good.

It is imperative to persuade her to talk, having first appeased her using one of the following methods:

• write a letter - a request for forgiveness written in your hand can be much more effective than any words;
• give a gift - as an apology, you can present something sentimental, for example, a family photo album;
• bake a cake - do not give up this method if your culinary abilities leave much to be desired. Even if your cake is imperfect, the most important thing for your loved one is your attention.

In addition to all the apologies, it is necessary to provide assistance to the grandmother more often, despite her protests. In the end, thanks to your perseverance, all grievances will remain in the past.

Video: How to decorate a cake for grandma.