Romantic melodramas and romance novels often defend the idea that true love is a spontaneously arising feeling, prepared by fate itself. But does such a position reveal the full depth of love? Does it really come spontaneously and only to the betrothed? Or is the version from television screens more likely a simple hobby that cannot survive real everyday difficulties?
Yes, she doesn’t come right away. To experience it, you will have to study your partner well and go through a crisis in the relationship with him. This, of course, takes time, so it cannot be said that the feelings are serious at first glance. But they may become so later.
There is a half-joking psychological theory that states that there are several specific problems that make a union stronger. According to this hypothesis, in order for a couple to get closer and improve their relationship, they will have to experience :
- joint defeat;
- defeat of one of the pair;
- victory of one of the pair;
- repair.
Moreover, the last point is the most important, because it is in such everyday situations that a conflict of interests becomes acutely evident. You can also add quarrel to the list. But not an ordinary petty disagreement, but a grandiose squabble on the verge of a scandal. Sooner or later, serious misunderstandings happen even between the calmest lovers. How each of them performs during and after the disagreement is quite revealing.
But everything is in order. Feelings go through several phases before they begin to strengthen and become serious. Some stages of steam can “skip” or pass almost unnoticed. Although, as a rule, missed periods subsequently make themselves felt. What difficulties do you have to endure on the path to true love?
Acquaintance.
This is either acquaintance in the direct sense of the word, or paying attention to an already familiar person as a man/woman. That is, this is the appearance of the first sympathy. Most often it is based on physical data. People evaluate their figure, facial features, clothes, hairstyle, grooming, and gait. And if they like the “picture,” they decide to devote more time to the object of their interest.
Sometimes something else becomes the reason for your interest . For example:
- behavior that makes you stand out from the crowd (loud laughter, reading on the street, even a quarrel with an ice cream seller);
- accidentally identified common features, hobbies, interests;
- profile on a social network, on a dating site;
- description received from mutual friends.
Overall this is the easiest stage. If it is successful and the sympathy turns out to be mutual, the time comes for the next stage.
Take the test: Does he like me?
Flirting.
The most exciting, unpredictable, gambling time. These are the first courtships, awkward glances, attempts to touch. It’s somewhat reminiscent of a child’s reaction to a new toy. Curiosity grows every second, I want to study, look, listen. It seems that a new acquaintance is perhaps the most interesting person in the world. He is a riddle, a secret that just wants to be revealed, to plunge into it headlong.
If acquaintance provided information for the most part only about appearance, then flirting already shows the first glimpses of character. New facts, like pieces of a puzzle, gradually complement each other and emerge into one picture. But their lack (it is impossible to quickly study a person) often leads to idealization or, conversely, a preconceived opinion. To prevent this from happening, it is important:
- look closely at the slightest manifestations of shortcomings. Even if they were just a ghost, extra caution wouldn’t hurt;
- watch your body language. If his signals contradict his words, this is a reason to suspect insincerity;
- discuss different topics. Just compliments or talking about hobbies won't do much;
- watch how an acquaintance communicates with other people - relatives on the phone, waiters in a cafe, random passers-by.
If you ignore these clues, you could get seriously burned or find yourself with the completely wrong person.
Falling in love: what is it?
There is no exact answer to how long it takes for couples to fall in love, as well as what this concept includes. However, every person has encountered it at least once in their life. In psychology, falling in love means a positive feeling that arises in relation to the object of sympathy. Thanks to it, you will get to know yourself, see new perspectives and opportunities. Falling in love appears as an obsession. She intoxicates people, driving them crazy, but they continue to idolize her and look forward to her.
READ What questions to ask to fall in love in 4 minutes
The older you are, the more difficult it will be for you to survive the state of falling in love and the more ways you have for self-improvement. A person in love concentrates all his attention on his partner. He worries about his condition much more than about his own, and begins to put his own interests in the background. Loving is hard and complex work.
It happens that people become psychologically broken because they were not ready to devote most of their time to another person. Falling in love changes consciousness, idealizing the object, which leads to ignoring the partner’s shortcomings. At the same time, a person often experiences feelings not for a real person, but for a fictitious image.
The most dangerous condition arises against the background of non-reciprocal love. Without receiving reciprocal feelings, a person becomes depressed and often falls into depression. Psychologists console us by saying that the feeling of unrequited love is necessary for normal personality development. It often occurs in people with low self-esteem. How many months love will last, as well as its appearance, does not depend on the person himself, but is part of the process of forming his personality.
READ Infatuation and love: the difference between two psychological concepts
Charm.
Most often, everyone confuses this stage with love. He is the happiest, cheerful, inspiring, inspiring. This is where the first “we” comes in. As a rule, by this time the couple is already in an official relationship and often decides to move in together. And then follow the first nights together, breakfasts and dinners, and still pleasant common chores around the house.
Now the new person seems like an old acquaintance, without whom it’s hard to imagine life. Although its disadvantages have already been well studied, they seem quite tolerable, and quarrels seem like mere trifles. The desire to be close, to do something together becomes around the clock.
But no matter how dizzying, impressionable, bright this period may be, sooner or later it ends with the next stage.
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How to distinguish love from infatuation?
As mentioned above, there are very specific signs of true love that distinguish it from other stages of a romance. Many people confuse true relationships with the very beginning - falling in love, which is just a game of hormones that cause sexual arousal. These concepts can be distinguished by a number of characteristics:
- The nature of attachment
. True love is always mutual, while falling in love can be unrequited. - Time
. First, love arises and only years later, after much work, can we talk about true feelings. - Relationships in a couple
. During love euphoria, partners have certain rose-colored glasses. Half is considered an ideal in the flesh, without flaws. When the pink veil falls and all the shortcomings of the chosen one are accepted, then we can talk about a new stage. - Life's adversities and troubles only connect a man and a woman
. If the love boat breaks up in everyday life, then the marriage cannot be called healthy.
Addiction.
It is human nature to get used to almost everything. A joke told several times loses its comedy. A favorite dish served every day quickly becomes boring. Even what usually pleases, stuns, causes euphoria, soon begins to lose its magical effect.
The same thing happens with long-term relationships . Most often, this stage occurs in the 3rd year of a relationship, when hormones subside and reality begins to hurt your eyes. The couple suddenly realizes that:
- the partner’s disadvantages turned out to be not as petty as previously thought;
- living together is not only pleasant evenings accompanied by a movie, pizza, wine, but also everyday problems, financial, housing issues;
- working on relationships involves more than just compromise. It often requires a lot of effort;
- a loved one is not an angel, he can sometimes irritate, upset, cause boredom or other negative emotions.
The less realism there was before addiction, the more painful this period passes. After all, as you know, rose-colored glasses break with the lenses inward.
Comfort in relationships causes boredom. But no matter how sad this fact may sound, it has one plus. He proves that everything can be fixed. By diluting the “comfortable stagnation” with trips or other new joint activities, you can bring back the charm again.
Duration of feeling
Psychologists say that feelings of euphoria and passion dull over time. Girls should know how long a man's love can actually last in order to be emotionally prepared for future changes in the relationship. When communicating with a loved one, your palms sweat, your heartbeat quickens and excitement arises, which indicates the development of feelings. However, over time, these sensations go away. For men, this happens after 2-4 years of relationship.
READ Fortune telling with cards for love: popular schemes and interpretation of the result
Falling in love lasts longer, but at the same time it has an exhausting effect. In other words, a person begins to experience severe fatigue. He may change in character and even become aggressive. Scientists also calculated how many years it takes for women to fall in love. A girl can be in love with a guy for 3 years and not experience much mental stress.
This time is enough to form strong relationships, which will subsequently move to a new level. Of course, falling in love can be carried throughout your entire life if you constantly develop and warm up your feelings.
Jealousy.
This is not necessarily jealousy towards other men or women. Most often, this emotion flares up in relation to the time that people spend not on each other. For example, this may include a partner’s desire to spend time without his partner:
- with friends, colleagues, just acquaintances;
- in complete solitude with oneself;
- in clubs, gym, cinema, etc.;
- at work or part-time.
Such a departure from “we” is perceived as ignoring, avoidance, secrecy, lies, disrespect. Moreover, even in the case when the lover himself is not in a particular hurry to spend time with his passion.
A calm, frank conversation, as well as the realization that romantic relationships are not the only part of life, can make the period easier. Understanding your partner's need for personal space and providing this privacy are also very important. Oddly enough, it is at this stage that true trust begins to form, which then, after a couple of further phases, will only strengthen.
Take the jealousy test
Contempt.
Another stage that does not have to be taken literally. For some, it is accompanied by an explosion in the number and intensity of quarrels. Then, exhausted by constant struggle and misunderstanding, the lovers really begin to feel almost disgust for each other.
But quarrels, everyone’s isolation in themselves are the results. In fact, the point is that the disadvantages during this period are seen so clearly and clearly that they overshadow the advantages to which both have already become accustomed. The whole focus shifts to one’s own suffering or the unfair treatment of a cohabitant. Therefore, it is very difficult at this stage to notice, much less share, the pain of another.
The situation is heating up, and doubts about the correctness of your choice are intensifying. Everything is spinning up so quickly and enchantingly that it becomes really difficult to analyze the problem and solve it. Much more difficult than any quarrels before. This is why many move on to the next phase.
Parting.
The stage of complete disappointment, decline, collapse. Both partners suddenly realize that they cannot be together. They believe that they are not suitable for each other, cause and themselves experience torment. This is the peak of despair.
But again, a literal understanding does not convey the full picture of events. A break is not necessary :
- divorce, division of property;
- moving from shared housing;
- final quarrel (everything can end calmly);
- the phrase “let’s break up.”
It’s just that this is the maximum distance compared to previous phases. Spiritual, mental, emotional and, of course, physical. “I” fights “we” and wins.
However, not all.
Despite a bunch of unpleasant situations and pain caused, rare (so rare that you can call them “chosen”) unions do not end up in complete collapse or regret, but something new. They realize their mistakes, often remember their loved one, while seeing his nature more clearly than before. And then they try again to achieve intimacy. And this test ends with the last, eighth stage.
Take the test: Do I love him?
Real love.
The final phase of closest approach at all levels. This is not just a union of bodies, ideas, emotions, but already a kinship of souls. Partnership develops into unity.
No, lovers do not suddenly begin to read each other’s thoughts. Nothing mystical. It’s just that against the backdrop of negative moments experienced together in the past, everything else seems not so important. Logic boils down to the thought: “If we have survived this and that, then we can cope with everything.” There is experience in joint problem solving. Next comes the following changes:
- the number of quarrels noticeably decreases, the attitude towards them and the ways of overcoming difficulties change;
- partners do not experience excessively intense emotions. Rather, their feelings are calm, but very deep and constant;
- support and care lose the function of “exchange of services”; their very provision already brings pleasure;
- lovers allow each other to search for themselves, to develop themselves, jealousy and feelings of possessiveness disappear.
Not everyone can reach this stage. It is the result of hard work, overcoming complexes, fears, pacifying pride, and ambition in relationships. But this is a fair price for such happiness, peace, confidence in another person.
Examples of love for life
There is no such thing as an eternal feeling, but there are rare exceptions to the rule. 3 couples that deserve respect:
- Robert Schumann and Clara. The German composer idolized his wife until his death.
- Pierre Curie and Marie. Science brought them together. Maria admitted that her husband was the limit of her dreams.
- Carl Sandburg and Lillian Steichen. The marriage of this couple was considered a great romance.
Modern unions include Victoria and David Beckham, Oprah Winfrey and Steedman Graham, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.
True love is a strong, deep feeling. It can turn any person into the happiest person in the world, you just have to open your heart.
