How to find friends in life, games and social networks (advice from a psychologist)

Some may be surprised, but communicating with friends also implies following certain rules. The sooner a person masters them, the better his relationships with others will develop.

It is believed that the rules of communication with friends should be clear on an intuitive level, but practice proves the opposite. Very often a person suffers from his own loneliness, sincerely wondering why people avoid him. There can be many reasons. Many people tend not to notice their own shortcomings and ignore other people’s comments, considering them unfounded. But the problem of communication exists, moreover, it is becoming relevant and widespread.

Neither a friend nor an enemy, but just like that

There is a category of people who have absolutely no need for communication. Misanthropes, hermits, introverts - these are just a few of the epithets that are awarded to those who prefer complete solitude to a noisy company. But there are only a few of them, and the majority of the population experiences a certain discomfort due to the lack of live communication. To improve the situation, you need to master the rules of communication with friends. At this stage it is worth asking a number of questions:

1) Am I a good friend?

2) Will I come to the rescue of a loved one if he asks for help?

3) Do I offend people with words or deeds?

4) Am I tactful enough?

5) Can I have a competent, constructive conversation?

6) Am I a sufficiently erudite and comprehensively developed person to be of interest to others?

Honest answers to these simple questions will paint a clear picture.

Secrets of Friendship

As a rule, friendship begins in early childhood, and if you are lucky, it lasts throughout your life. Such relationships are not interrupted, even if people move to different cities and start families. This is what we should strive for.

So, there is one wrong position: everyone should perceive me as I am. This is the greatest misconception. A person must strive for the ideal all his life, engage in self-education, listen to criticism and draw conclusions. A personality cannot be at one stage; it either develops or degrades. Of course, everyone wants to see in their circle of friends those people who are trying to become kinder, smarter, more educated. A good example is contagious. If you have the desire, then it’s time to move on to practical advice. The rules for communicating with friends are:

1) Listen. Perhaps this is the main rule. Not every person is able to show sincere interest in the story of the interlocutor.

2) Don't be silent. Of course, it’s not worth interrupting and inserting a similar story, but making relevant and intelligent comments is not only possible, but also necessary.

3) Give advice with caution. Perhaps the interlocutor is waiting for them, but is it worth taking on such responsibility? After all, in the end you can remain guilty.

4) Friends meet to spend time together. The key word is “together.” That’s why you shouldn’t hide in a corner with your phone and look gloomily at your comrades who are distracting you from your favorite toy with conversations.

How to overcome obstacles to friendship

How to find good and loyal friends Photo: Depositphotos
Some people believe that they are self-sufficient and do not need friends. Psychologists do not recommend cultivating the idea of ​​loneliness - it is not good for mental and physical health.

To develop and maintain friendships, you need to communicate. If you have a busy schedule, schedule a meeting with friends as another task in your planner. Or combine business with pleasure: meet at the gym, go shopping together, or to a beauty salon. As a result, you will communicate and do the planned things.

In friendship you need to be able to trust. People who have been betrayed or traumatized in the past have big problems with this. But this is not a reason to be alone:

• If you are refused a conversation, it does not mean that they do not want to deal with you - people may simply be busy.
• You can't please every person - you don't like everyone either.

If your fears persist, consult a psychologist. This is an abnormal situation and needs to be corrected with the help of a specialist.

Friendship is a mutual process. Therefore, be the kind of friend you dream of. Who will listen, support - but will not judge or lecture. Who trusts and sincerely respects.

Basic Etiquette

Every person is familiar with the basic rules of etiquette. But theoretical knowledge and applying it in practice are not the same thing. The rules of communicating with friends are a whole science that every person who is tired of loneliness has to master. Friendly etiquette says that you cannot:

1) Putting a friend in an awkward position. This means that it is strictly forbidden to ask for a loan from someone who is overly frugal or to demand speed from someone who is slow.

2) Make difficult requests. Your friend will feel guilty because he is unable to help.

3) Ask for help too often. Sooner or later, such regularity will begin to get boring, and the person will try to stop communicating, believing that he is being used.

4) Making promises and not keeping them. Such actions make you disappointed in your friend.

Part 1. “How can I make people like me?” or I MYSELF as the correct filter

Your own personality is the filter through which you pass people.

Most equate the questions “ how to make friends ” and “ how to get people to like you .” But the question is - what? Do you want to please everyone? Hardly. You definitely want to please people with whom you would have mutual understanding and mutual interest, with whom you would build a relationship that could be called friendship. And here it is important:

Decide what level of relationship you need. To do this, you should have a good idea of ​​your interests, the degree of trust that you are willing to give to your friends, roughly imagine a list of things, affairs, topics around which you are ready to be friends, and imagine the picture of the world in which it would be interesting for you to communicate with friends .

Let me give you an example. Let's say you believe in some kind of higher power or at least deny randomness in most cases. You believe that a person can do a lot in life on his own and everything depends on the person himself. And a new acquaintance, for example, constantly tells you about cases, that someone was “lucky” and is looking around for those to blame for their troubles.

A reason to think about how you will deal with this person? Although, it would seem that you ride bikes together or go to concerts of a certain type together.

It's not just about common interests, it's more about (and even more so) how you both perceive these interests, what you feel, and do your perceptions coincide, can they complement and enrich each other?

It is also very important how freely you and the person can feel free, relaxed, and understand that you are not being evaluated, but accepted for who you are.

People who experience a lack of communication often forget about themselves and how they will feel in a new relationship. Obsessed with the question “how to please people,” they try to impress everyone indiscriminately and adapt to the conversation of any new acquaintance. And then they find themselves in incomprehensible relationships, sometimes with elements of exploitation, and complain that “they were betrayed.”

Most likely, a person would hardly behave this way towards you if he had the same worldview as you, he would have similar principles. But the trouble is that, being carried away by the topic of “how to get new people to like you,” you probably forgot to check it to see if it meets your needs.

Often a person in such a situation “pinches” himself - he does not openly show his beliefs and tastes, opinions and passions, he is afraid to be himself. And he gets a “result” - everything that was not voiced, manifested and indicated is thought up by new acquaintances according to their concepts and principles.

A lot of advice from the Internet also “helps”: “smile more often”, “don’t talk about your problems”, “listen more than you talk”, “be interested in the person you’re talking to...”

But everything needs a reasonable balance. Of course, it is not fun to communicate with a person who, even if he speaks little, is still concerned with only one topic - “how do I look in his/her eyes? Does he/she like me? Then the interlocutor does not feel resonance and attention, even if you actively pretend to pay attention. And it’s not fun to communicate with someone who talks only about himself, without letting you get a word in edgewise.

But another distortion is not at all desirable. For your own benefit. It is difficult for another person to communicate with you if you behave like a car without side lights on a dark road. Your interlocutor is seeing you for the first time or has seen you only a few times, or you have talked on the Internet several times. And he also wants to know who is in front of him. He wants to decide whether you are interesting to him or not, whether he is interesting to you.

And for this there is only one way - to express yourself, your thoughts, feelings, attitude towards some things raised in communication, to express your opinion.

Most people are afraid: “What if I start to actively express myself, and my interlocutor won’t like it?” Well, if you don’t like it, it means this is not your person. And this still won’t be fixed anytime soon. Therefore, there will be no friendship in any case, even if you actively adapt to his interests and opinions.

By getting too carried away with the question of “how to please people,” you risk forgetting about yourself so much that your newfound “friendship” may end up being of interest only to your new acquaintance. Because it was built and adjusted by you for him. But there was simply no room there for your preferences and interests.

And don’t think that your interlocutor will easily give it to you after he likes you. If in these first steps on the path to friendship you did not prove yourself, but did “what is convenient for the other” - why would this other refuse your attention, the desire to please and his own convenience in this regard?

Man is a self-centered creature by nature. If you start adapting to someone else all the time, this other person will definitely get used to using you on an ongoing basis, and no one may even notice your expectations of reciprocal attention. After all, you put yourself in this position!

Suppose you remain silent and agree with an opinion that is not close to you. You don’t get into an argument or express your feelings. And the interlocutor, based on this, can create the illusion that you agree with him. And then act based on this.

As a result, the situation becomes more and more unpleasant for you - a view of things, a style of communication, is actually being imposed on you, perhaps your boundaries are being violated, but you remain silent?

It all ends with use, as a rule.

If you are too carried away by the question of “how to please people” and deny yourself the right to be yourself, and have not defined your boundaries, principles and preferences, you may, consciously or not, be involved in any tasks in which others need help. And if you continue to “yes assent” and not argue, then sooner or later you will become a “six”, no matter how sad it may sound.

Let's move from theory to practice, find situations where you could “feel” your boundaries, understand how ready you are to express yourself and observe what prevents you from being yourself.

Task: how to find friends

Try to be yourself with people with whom you already have contact, but superficially - for example, work colleagues, familiar neighbors of your house, someone with whom you regularly communicate on minor issues.

You can say what is in your thoughts now, what feelings are currently possessing you and about what. Sincerely express what really interested you in your interlocutor, even if it is a new sweater or beautifully painted nails, try to express what you are really pleased to see/hear from him.

Share new information that excites you - even if it's news from the Internet. Study the reaction of your interlocutor, try to understand him, but do not “yes assent” just to please him. Try not to focus at all on whether the dialogue is building or not, whether you like it or not - just be yourself.

The most important thing is to shift the emphasis from “how am I being assessed?” to “does the interlocutor’s reaction suit me, is it interesting to me, would I choose him as a friend?” The question “would he choose me?” — it’s better not to ask questions at this stage at all. The goal of this exercise is not to make friends (yet), but to be yourself.

If the interlocutor considers you an eccentric, he would in any case do this if he got to know you more closely, because he saw you for who you are.

And he didn't like it. And he won’t like you for who you are in the foreseeable future. Simply because you are too different for possible friendship. If you try to please him, then he will be friends not with you, but with some of your roles. Which you yourself will sooner or later get tired of.

Extend this experiment to as many people as possible.

Try not to get attached to the result - if there is contact, then it will work out. And no means no. It was just an experiment. And your relationships with colleagues will most likely remain just as superficial if they don’t work out.

Or maybe you will actually find a couple of promising options. It is important to realize yourself in this contact, to realize your value. And see how people react to your opinion and your inner world.

This does not mean at all that you need to delve deeply into your personal experiences and tell your heart’s secrets. But I think you are able to express your opinion on some issues that just “caught your eye.”

In the second part we will talk about strategies for finding new people.

Subsequent parts of the training on finding friends are available only to registered site members. Registration is free (registration form below right).

Good luck!

Training “I don’t communicate much. Part 2: How to Meet People and Express Your Emotions »

Training “I don’t communicate much. Part 3: How to get rid of the fear of rejection »

Training “I don’t communicate much. Part 4: How to build boundaries in relationships and learn to say “no”

If you have any questions on the topic:

Virtual world

The Internet has firmly entered the life of every person and has become an integral part of it. Social networks are replacing face-to-face communication, so it is not surprising that there are rules for online communication with friends.

The first and main commandment is: you must respond to messages sent by friends. Sometimes people online choose to ignore them. Here we need to make a small digression and imagine such a situation. Two friends met:

- Hello.

- Hello.

- How are you doing?

The interlocutor did not answer anything; he silently turned around and left. Silent scene. This is what silence looks like on the Internet.

Also, do not send cheerful and funny pictures to your friend. Never. Perhaps this is very funny and interesting, but suddenly the person is busy or simply not in the mood. He will have to make an effort to respond to this meaningless message.

In the modern world, a fashionable habit that you need to eradicate in yourself is to answer with abbreviations. For example, “thank you” instead of “thank you”, “plz” instead of “please”. The Russian language is beautiful and rich. It is much more pleasant to communicate with a person who speaks it perfectly, rather than having difficulty connecting two words into a sentence and being frighteningly tongue-tied.

Looking for friends in computer games

To find gamer friends, follow these rules:

1. Consider netiquette.
2. Monitor your profile.
3. Fill out your profile with concise information about the case. You can describe your personal qualities and interests in it.
4. Follow the rules of the Russian language.
5. Use emoticons, but don't overdo it.
6. Try to keep your messages as one complete thought.
7. Avoid banal language.
8. Remember that vulgarity is taboo!
9. Behave correctly, even if the other person has a different opinion.

Read further: Friendship and business: where to find a reliable business partner

By the way a person communicates while playing in a chat, one gets the impression of the degree of his adequacy. People are drawn to friendly and positive partners. Do not spoil your image even in the virtual space.

How else to find friends in games? For example, look for gamer communities on social networks. In them, people discuss characters, game strategies, look for friends with similar interests, partners for completing levels together.

There are also plenty of apps for finding gaming friends. One of the most popular is PLINK. In your profile, you must indicate your gaming preferences and the system will provide a list of potential partners for the game.

GAMETREE is another mobile application for finding friends in games. It features a user-friendly interface and an expanded set of filters. You can even select partners based on psychological type.

Problems with relationships with classmates

The years of study are remembered with warmth and tenderness. Every person sooner or later thinks about the distant time when he was a carefree schoolboy. But nostalgia will come decades later, but in the meantime there may be problems in relationships with peers.

The rules of communication with classmates will help you avoid them. The catchphrase is appropriate here: treat people the way you want them to treat you. This means not giving offensive nicknames, laughing at physical disabilities, or being disrespectful or rude. These banal truths need to be learned; they will help build harmonious relationships with society.

Communication with children

Little people are very sensitive to everything that happens around them.
Their main difference from adults is their attitude to the surrounding reality. The child has not yet learned everything he needs in communication, he does not know how to act logically, and lives mostly from emotions. It turns out that if a child is doing something impartial, it is impossible to logically convince him of anything. But this must be done to teach him to think logically. At the initial stage, you can only captivate him with a more interesting and enjoyable activity. This is the most effective way.

But do not forget that you need to communicate with your child as an equal.

You must be able to listen to him, demand the same from him, attention to yourself and mutual respect. Try to dialogue with him as with your friend. Only you must understand that he has less experience and strength, make allowances for this. Look at him and try to find out how he lives and what exactly he likes.

Is it possible to lie to friends?

Some people will probably be surprised, but sometimes you can lie to your friends. The rules of correct communication say that you must always remain an honest and sincere person, but no one has canceled the concept of “white lies.”

So in what situations is guile acceptable? A lie is justified when the truth can lead to unpleasant consequences or even tragedy. For example, an unattractive girl asks: “Am I ugly?” Is it possible to answer this question in the affirmative? Truth-lovers, of course, will say that it is always necessary to speak only the truth. But does the person asking such a question want the truth? Also, lying is justified when it comes to saving life, dignity and honor.

How to become a good friend?

French writer Michel de Montaigne said: “In friendship there is no other calculation than itself.” So why is it sometimes difficult for a kind and open person to communicate with people?

The rules of successful communication will help change the situation for the better. And if the standard norms of dialogue and behavior are known to every person from early childhood, then more subtle nuances can become an amazing discovery. Psychological rules of communication are a panacea for the loneliness that weighs on the soul:

• Sharpening your communication skills will help you overcome a communication barrier.
• Control over your own emotions is something that you need to develop in yourself.
• Observation will allow you to adapt to your interlocutor, this guarantees maximum benefit from communication.
• The ability to select a topic is the key to success. If we look at a simple example, then a person with three higher educations, talking with a simple worker, will not start talking about Barrow’s theorem or about modern research in the field of genetics. Unfamiliar topics will confuse the participant in the dialogue, and he will become embarrassed.
• The sweetest word for any person is his own name. During communication, you should not depersonalize your interlocutor; you should address him by name.
• A friendly smile works wonders.

How to find friends in life - 7 tips

There is no plan that is guaranteed to make a friend for life. There are only certain recommendations, which, if you learn them, will significantly increase your chances of success:

1. Don't make the desire to find friends an obsession. Better focus on your hobby and friends will appear on their own.
2. Do not try to be friends only with popular and successful people, as there is a high probability of being rejected.
3. Develop communication skills. First of all, the ability to listen, resolve conflicts, see one’s own and others’ boundaries, the ability to empathize, as well as emotional intelligence.
4. Pay attention to people with similar interests, values ​​and views.
5. When communicating with friends, behave naturally. Trying to please, adapt to them, and pretend to be someone else will lead to aggression and ridicule. It is better to have one person who will appreciate your true nature than ten who prefer to communicate with a fictitious personality. Maximum comfort and minimum negativity - this is the law of harmonious friendship.
6. Don't judge new people by rumors. They can be spread by envious people.
7. Keep in touch with your friends so that they don’t forget about you or be offended by your long absence.

What psychologists say about friendship

Friendship is a dynamic phenomenon. Due to life circumstances, people can diverge, change values ​​and habits. True friendship is a powerful resource that helps both participants grow and develop. If for some reason she begins to bring suffering, it is better to stop communicating.

It’s not enough just to find friends and comrades with similar interests. It is important to constantly find new points of contact with them. When one develops and the other stands still, a split occurs. If a friend decides to leave the relationship, you should respect their choice.

The likelihood of finding new friends is high if a person moves within a community:

• classmates;
• colleagues;
• visitors to seminars and interest groups;
• neighbors.

The main thing in friendship is a common cause. When choosing friends, you should definitely rely on common interests and values. You can check whether spiritual intimacy exists during the conversation. A person opens up well in conversations on the topic:

• politicians;
• sports;
• travel;
• nutrition;
• healthy lifestyle;
• hobbies (music, theater);
• moral and spiritual interests;
• religion;
• charity.

People who have a positive outlook on life should be considered as comrades. Pessimists and cynics are not inclined to create deep friendships.

Communication skills also play an important role in establishing productive contact.

How to behave to establish dialogue - 5 recommendations

1. Be interested in other people and answer counter questions frankly.
2. Express your opinion honestly. This will help the partner identify common ground.
3. Try to speak to the essence of the issue. Do not tell more than the other person is interested in. An overabundance of information about one’s own person can play a cruel joke.
4. Speak on positive topics that do not affect moral and religious feelings. For the first conversation, it is appropriate to discuss interests, hobbies, and travel.
5. Express approval if something said resonates with you. It is quite appropriate to compliment a person about his level of education, breadth of outlook, or knowledge of any issue. The main thing is to know when to stop so as not to create the impression of an insincere person.

Read more: 6 mistakes that hinder friendship

To find new friends, you need to constantly expand your circle of acquaintances. When attending parties, don't limit yourself to just your own group. Don't be afraid to come across as a clingy weirdo. The ability to conduct a relaxed dialogue within boundaries will help you leave a good impression.

It is important to be genuinely interested in communicating with the other person. If there is a feeling of mutual interest, you can invite a friend to attend an event, go to a sports match, or go to lunch.

Strong connections are formed between people who see each other frequently. When meeting, you should show friendliness, responsiveness, offer help, or even invite you for tea. Such a positive attitude almost always finds a reciprocal response.

It is important to be able to maintain friendly and friendly connections. To do this, you should show interest in other people:

• write on social networks;
• call;
• congratulate on significant dates;
• be ready to provide support.

In the quest for rapprochement, you need to know when to stop. Remember to be polite and respect the other person's personal space. Friendship does not mean the absence of boundaries. If a friend does not want to share any information, that is his right.

You should not leave a relationship after a conflict. Friendship is a valuable resource that should be protected. Perhaps the cause of the quarrel is not so critical as to lose a friend.