Effective techniques for getting rid of resentment, stress and negativity

Resentment is a feeling developed by a person: it is not inherent in us from birth, but is rather an acquired, inherited way of behavior. Its use involves an attempt to communicate one’s condition, and its origins often lie in the discrepancy between expectations from relationships with others.

It is impossible not to feel offended - all feelings have a place. But completely immersing yourself in this state is harmful, as well as imposing a ban on it. Therefore, the more important quality here is the ability to handle it correctly.

What is resentment?

This is a complex feeling; it consists of at least two elements:

1. merging with another person
2. and violated expectations (the other person was expected to behave or feel differently)

That is, you want the other person to change their feelings and actions. And at the same time, the desire is not expressed directly, in an active or aggressive form.

Sound confusing? I'll explain now.

An effective technique for forgiving grievances

To get rid of a negative feeling, you need to get rid of not the cause, but the root of the negative emotion. This root lies within you.

The best technique for getting rid of hurtful feelings is drawing an “image.”

It will help move negative emotion from an internal state to an external one. Drawing gives your emotion a living image. This will help release the feeling and get rid of the negative emotion.

Before you begin, answer the following questions:

1. In what part of the body does your resentment reside?
2. What size is it?
3. Is it liquid, solid or gas?
4. What temperature is it (hot, warm, cold)?
5. What color is it?
6. What does it feel like?

Related article: Art therapy - examples of exercises

After answering all these questions, you can easily draw it on a piece of paper.

At the end of the work, you need to fill the remaining space with fun additions. For example, add horns, a smile, a tail like a pig’s, etc. to your offense.

Then the work should be destroyed (torn, burned and the remains thrown to the wind).

Say goodbye to your resentment. Now you don't have it!

Why do people get offended

The feeling of resentment is such that it is felt only towards those who are close, whom they trusted at least in some way and expected something from them. It is impossible to be offended by a stranger or stranger: a saleswoman in a store, a janitor, a fellow traveler in a subway car. They are nobody to you, nothing connects you with them. You do not expect anything from strangers who are unimportant to you other than the usual standard politeness. As soon as resentment arises, it is clear that I expected something from another person, the other did not live up to my expectations, and I was offended by this.

For example:

• I thought they would give me a bonus, but they passed me by! I tried so hard, put so much into the project, and no one noticed. And Ivanov was given a prize...
• I do so much around the house: cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, wiping - and all this is taken for granted. And I'm a person, not a hybrid of a dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner
• My husband takes me for granted. He will never give you a flower or say a kind word. It's like I'm empty space.
• My friend spends little time, doesn’t want to communicate with me, walk, talk, sit in a cafe... She prefers to hang around at home and watch her stupid TV shows. Or walk with Masha, another friend. She’s interested in Masha, but doesn’t care about me at all.
• Grown children rarely visit their parents. And when they come in, they’ll sit for an hour and run. They won’t have a proper lunch (and grandma tried hard to cook), and they won’t stay longer. They don't love, they don't appreciate, they don't care.
• My parents were always cruel to me. They did not perceive me as a person, did not instill in me a sense of self-worth, suppressed my initiatives and did not develop my talents. Now I can’t achieve anything in life and vegetate in a stupid job I don’t like.
• How could he? We didn’t expect such behavior from him...
• Resentment towards the whole world: why is it everything for some and nothing for others? Why can some people eat and not gain weight, but I count calories like crazy? Why does someone have wealthy and loving parents and all the benefits from birth, but I have to work like a donkey just not to die of hunger?

Do you see? In all of these situations, other people do something wrong, or feel something wrong. I want him to do this and that, to feel this and that towards me. But he does it wrong (not necessarily to my detriment - he just does what he considers right). And he doesn’t appreciate me, doesn’t love me, doesn’t respect me - but I want this so much! That is, I get offended when a person close to me does something different from what I expected from him and feels something differently than I would wanted. Something is missing for me. It does not correspond to my ideas about how everything should work in the world. At the same time, it is important: the other person is close and somehow dear to me. I cannot afford to treat him cruelly, to throw him out of life. Nahami to me is the same stranger saleswoman - I’ll put this scoundrel in her place. If a government employee ignores me, I will get angry, I may say aggressive, evil things or try to annoy him (by complaining to his superiors, for example). But if my mother or friend ignores me, I will be offended. They are important people to me, I expect that I will be important to them too!

And I'm offended.

And what do the offended do? Right! No, they are not carrying water - they pout their lips, frown, parade in front of the offender with a gloomy look and demonstrate in every possible way: “Well, ask me, ask what I was offended by!” Come on, ask “Why?” What are they trying to achieve?

They want the other person to change their feelings or actions. And in the pouting lips, drooping shoulders, and sullen glances, the message is read: “I don’t like what you’re doing. I want you to change. To give me more of what I expect. But for some reason, making a scandal and getting what I want is dangerous for me. It is fraught with rupture and complete separation. But this is scary and I don’t want it. Therefore, I will silently and indirectly show that I feel bad: walk around, pouting my lips, looking sad and feigning suffering. If I'm important to you (and I hope I am!), you'll fix everything. You will feel what I want and do with me as I need.”

Does it work? Not always, of course.

Your importance

You should describe your manifestations of self-importance.

• I'm upset with her because I secretly expect her to show me attention.
• I deliberately create an image of being offended in order to make others really believe that I am offended, and so that they are guaranteed to show me attention and importance

This is behavior developed and reinforced in childhood. Since childhood, you have become accustomed to creating and cultivating the image of an offended person, which you put on yourself, because you realized that by wearing this image you are more likely to gain attention, support and approval. Your self-esteem is low, so you don’t believe that you can somehow get this attention in another way (again, limiting beliefs. Do you see how everything is intertwined in the psyche?)

• I’m used to being offended that I wasn’t congratulated on my birthday, because a birthday is an important holiday in the life of every person, and if I don’t feel this importance on this day, it’s a devaluation of me and my holiday

Next, write down everything that is important to you regarding the DR.

• It is very important for me to have the attention, acceptance and love of my friends in my birthday
• It is very important for me to be the most important person in my BD
• It is very important for me that everyone loves me on my birthday.

In the process of breaking down the offense into aspects, all sorts of tangents may pop up here and there, such as limiting beliefs that you had not previously noticed in yourself, manifestations of a sense of self-importance, the machinations of the victim, traumas from childhood, etc. At these moments, do not let this valuable material pass by. Take a break from the proposed template, you can always return to it quickly. Everything is intertwined in the subconscious, so you shouldn’t be surprised that at some point something might come out that you hadn’t noticed before.

You can complete the breakdown by listing all the decisions that you made against the backdrop of this resentment.

Resentment is blocked direct aggression

You see, resentment is always the lot of the weak. Someone who is in a merging relationship and is unable to get out of it (can’t, doesn’t want, is afraid, etc.). In a merger, any disagreement is always fraught with a terrible consequence for the merged person - a breakup, departure and complete loss of relations with the other person. Losing a relationship with someone you are merging with is very scary! This is too expensive a fee. But... I don’t like the actions of the other one either! I don't like the way the other one behaves!

Therefore, resentment is a very infantile, childish feeling. A child is always weak and always very dependent on an adult (by definition). But children’s feelings and emotions are very strong and vivid! Therefore, the child is often offended: the mother did not cook cheesecakes for breakfast, but pancakes - an insult. Masha from the kindergarten group doesn’t want to play with me, doesn’t share her dolls - it’s an insult. Dad promised to go to the zoo on the weekend, but he couldn’t, he was called to work - it was a shame! What can a child really do? He doesn’t have the opportunity to fry cheesecakes himself (he doesn’t know how yet), or buy a ticket to the zoo himself (he has no money, and he won’t be allowed on the transport alone). And there is no way to influence the behavior of the insidious, albeit charming Masha. I can only pout my lips and show how the situation does not suit me.

An adult solves his own problems and provides for his own needs. He has strength and capabilities. And if pretty Masha ignores me over and over again, the adult understands: well, it looks like she doesn’t like me as much as I thought. And it looks like I need other girlfriends. That is, even a situation with an unsatisfactory relationship can be resolved by an adult on his own.

The child is weak and has very few resources of his own. Therefore, he gradually tries to influence the other. But in such a way as not to completely ruin the relationship. Therefore, you have to act weakly and passively. In indirect and manipulative ways.

So, one more time. Resentment is when:

• The person with whom I am merging did not give me something (feelings or actions)
• I'm suffering and I want HIM to change
• But to put it bluntly, I’m scared (I’m afraid that the other person won’t like it and will leave and break off the relationship)
• So I will do indirect actions. Hint. Try to influence gradually. Show how offended and suffering I am.

Therefore, yes, resentment is for the weak. The lot of passive aggressors and manipulators. People who either do not have enough resources of their own, or, as psychologists call it, “do not have access to their resources,” have been banned, blocked. They are guided by some unhealthy attitudes like “I can’t get a divorce, I can’t leave my child without a father” or “If I get fired, I’ll never find a normal job.”

An adult normally has access to his open aggression. This does not always mean that an adult will start a fight and scandal if he doesn’t like something (rather the opposite). But this always means that it is not resentment that will arise, but dissatisfaction, irritation, and anger. Which, by the way, would normally be better expressed in a different, not necessarily aggressive way. But if an adult doesn’t like something, then the normal feeling will be anger, not reproachful resentment.

Therefore, if you “fall for” the grievances of another person, then you are also in fusion. You are also afraid of a breakup or it seems to you that you have enormous power over another person.

For example, here's an example: elderly parents pester their adult son. His mother constantly demands that he come to the dacha for the weekend (“Relax here, breathe some air!”). And he knows that a day off at the dacha means hard labor with a shovel and hoe, and mother’s endless instructions on where exactly we will plant radishes. This is not a vacation, this is another work shift. But to say: “No, Mom, I won’t come,” is immediately a mortal insult from Mom.

And the son, gnashing his teeth, goes to spend his only long-awaited day off, bending over the beds with carrots and dill. If an adult son were aware that for him there seems to be a real danger: “Mom will be offended, will suffer, her heart will hurt” or “Dad will not talk” - he would understand. that he himself is in a merger, that he does not feel the right to manage his resources, and that parental discontent seems to him mortally dangerous and frightening. (“The consequences of my actions will be terrible! Mom will die if I don’t come!”)

And for a small child, the picture of the illness and death of parents is a strong fear, hardwired deep into the unconscious. After all, humanity has lived in civilized conditions for only a few decades, and before that, our ancestors lived in forests for thousands and millions of years. And here, for a small cub to be left without parental care and care literally meant death. Therefore, if you are so easily influenced by someone’s offense, this is a sign of some immaturity, immaturity, and, of course, merging. A feeling of fear “I won’t survive alone” (even if you are a grown man of 42 years old).

That is, if you feel offended, this is an indicator of blocked direct aggression, indirect conflict. This means that you are sure deep down in your heart that you cannot directly state your needs or demand a change in behavior! Dangerous. Scary. There will be TERRIBLE consequences (of course, in a child’s infantile view - terrible). A breakup, parting, or loss is coming, which is impossible to survive (in fantasies, a breakup is terrible, of course). Therefore, all that remains is to be offended, manipulate and try to indirectly influence the other.

Childhood

All our psychological problems, in one way or another, stem from childhood, with all the childhood grievances and traumas that we carry with us all our lives until we begin to work through them.

The first thing you should write down is all the episodes from childhood related to your current grievance, when someone made someone else feel guilty.

We are talking here about parents, your brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc. If you perceived as a child that someone was making someone else guilty, you learned all these games from there, so they need to be written down.

• As a child, they congratulated you on your birthday or did not congratulate you

Here you can write down all the vivid memories from his past about when someone didn’t congratulate someone on their birthday, and what stuck with you in connection with this.

• As a child, they made a big holiday out of their birthday.

Here you should write down your entire opinion regarding your birthday and why, when you were little, it was such a big and important holiday for you.

• I didn't get enough attention as a child on my birthdays.

Here we come close to the fundamental subconscious root of resentment - the victim mentality.

All our grievances from the past (especially childhood) forced us to start playing the game of sacrifice, which many of your friends and relatives continue to play to this day, and will play it until they go to their graves.

As we accumulate more and more grievances, we begin to play the victim more and more, and playing the victim forces us to have more and more grievances. It turns out to be a vicious circle, but elaboration is what can break it over time. The first step is to write out your charges. The victim always blames other people or circumstances for the fact that they feel bad, but in this case we are not actually blaming, but describing aspects of playing the victim in order to then remove the emotional charge from them. He releases his victim “to freedom”, and let her express everything she thinks.

• On my birthdays I was given a lot of attention, but on other days I was sometimes a nobody to my parents, they didn't care about me

Maybe that's why you attach so much importance to DR. As a child, the gap between DR and everyday life was too great.

• The only day when we received attention, love, warmth, care from our parents was our birthday
• Birthday is the only day when we could not be afraid that we would be punished
• Birthday was a day without fear
• Birthday was a day of absolute acceptance of us as we are
• We were forgiven for everything on our birthday.
• We saw someone else say goodbye on our birthday

Now we can touch on another possible reason why you are reacting this way to this incident. It is possible that as a child you learned that people do not congratulate someone on purpose in order to hurt them or because they do not respect you.

• We perceived that someone deliberately offended another in childhood in order to rise above him, to bully him
• My friend deliberately did not congratulate me in order to mock me, to rise above me, to show that she is taller than me
• She specifically wanted to hurt and unpleasant me by not congratulating me
• She wanted to mock me without congratulating me on my birthday, she wants to make me suffer

If you really think so, you can remember all the moments from your childhood when it was you

deliberately bullied someone by not wishing them a happy birthday or because you didn't respect them. You are used to the fact that you yourself perceive such behavior on your part as bullying, and now you think that she behaves with you the way you once behaved with someone.

• As a child, not being congratulated on a birthday was the worst thing for me, because on this day we are used to having maximum attention, and it is on this day that lack of attention is the most painful
• Since childhood, I’ve gotten used to the fact that not everyone congratulates you on your birthday, but your friends will definitely congratulate you as a whole class. And if someone doesn’t congratulate you, it means he’s not a friend at all

Here we come close to another subconscious root of resentment - limiting beliefs.

“Letting go of a grudge” means growing up

And another interesting consequence follows from the key characteristics of resentment. Since RESULT = MERGER + INDIRECT ATTEMPT TO CHANGE ANOTHER, then this means:

1. Being offended by another is one of the ways to maintain a connection with another person after separation and breakup (for example, a way not to grow up and not go through separation for grown children; a way to maintain an invisible connection with a former spouse in a divorce; a way to cherish dreams of omnipotence, planning revenge on a long-time offender and so on.)
2. Letting go of resentment means growing up. Here you can either come out of the merger and understand that the other may have any plans for life that are not similar to mine. Or try to openly express your needs, risking that the other person will decide to break off the relationship. In any case, the merger will automatically break. Maybe an open conflict will begin, maybe just a breakup and separation, but there will be no more resentment and passive aggression.
3. But the advice “not to be offended” (i.e., not to feel your feelings), “forgive the insult” - they are about immaturity. They encourage you to choose the illusion of merging and give up your needs and claims. To lie to yourself “but it didn’t hurt, I wanted to” (“the grapes are green”). Ignore your desires that you have and which another has rejected. “Not to be offended” means to choose not to grow up. Imagine yourself from above and graciously “forgive”, that is, allow the other to behave as he was already going to.
4. Strong and mature people do not have offenses. There are disappointment, anger, rage, conflict, quarrel and many other unpleasant emotions. But a feeling of resentment is a sign of a sudden attack of immaturity. I get the feeling that I was counting on someone else (and he! How could he!!!). And yes, it seems like it’s time to admit that since I was offended, I feel too weak to force another to do as I want; That's why I'm offended.

So it turns out: the only way to cope with resentment is to grow up. Go through separation. Accept the fact that other people, even those closest to us, are not our clones or our toys. Sometimes they want what we don't like. Sometimes they don't experience the feelings we need (and may never give them to us). And we need to learn to live with it. And, as adults, provide for our own needs: look for new friends, do not communicate with those who do not love us - and communicate with those who do. This is what psychologists mean when they say “let go of your expectations” - that is , give up the offense, admit that the other person is DIFFERENT, he may not satisfy any of our expectations. It may be sad and painful, but it is reality. Therefore, we must learn to survive in such a world. Refuse to merge and separate. No, no one says it’s easy. Yes, it's the "draw a damn owl" suggestion again.

Breaking the offense down into aspects

For this purpose, we will need a piece of paper with a pen or a text editor. And then we describe our thoughts and emotions in connection with our offense. All we need is an unnumbered list.

The offense will be broken down into the following aspects:

• Incident
• What I feel
• All explanations and excuses
• Why can't I let go of the grudge right now?
• Childhood
• Limiting Beliefs
• Injustice
• Why do I need this resentment?
• Importance
• Decisions made amid this grievance

Go.

How to work through a grudge

Step 1. First, admit to yourself that you are offended. Even this step is extremely difficult for many people. Instead of saying: “I feel offended,” a person tells what scoundrels those around him are, how they acted badly, describes the injustices of this world, laments the evil fate, and complains. It clearly demonstrates how unfairly he was treated - after all, it’s objectively unfair, isn’t it? However, he does not openly make any complaints. He just grows gloomy, sulks, suffers and complains. Therefore, the first point is to take responsibility for your own feelings and say: I FEEL OFFENSIVE. Put aside notions of fairness/injustice. Maybe others had the right to act as they did. But, in any case, I was offended. This is their behavior.

Step 2. Say your needs out loud. At least name it for yourself. And honestly. Not as usual: “In this office where I work, they only promote sycophants and favorites” - so what? Yes, it’s a bad company, but why are you personally so offended by their routine? Formulating a request through “I want to receive” is dangerous and painful. Even if you don’t voice it to your boss’s face, but at least say it out loud to yourself. “I want my work to be recognized as valuable and important, my salary to be raised and promoted instead of this mediocrity of Ivanov” - this sounds completely different. Very direct - and therefore quite aggressive. And for the majority of “habitual offenders,” as we remember, there is a ban on open display of aggression, so this stage also looks very frightening and dangerous. What, just say so, directly about what I want? This is arrogant, rude and uncultured. Fi. Let's better think about the general injustice of this world and Ivanov's incompetence.

Step 3. From the perspective of an adult, decide what to do. An adult is usually aware that no one should fulfill his personal wishes, that the world is unfair, and people are selfish. (The writer Stanislav Jerzy Lec gave an excellent definition: “An egoist is someone who thinks about himself more than about me.” From this point of view, the world is populated by nothing but egoists, a nightmare!). An adult is one who understands his own (and others’) boundaries and is able to weigh and compare his own and others’ resources. And make a reasonable, mature decision: I fight or I humble myself. It makes sense to fight when there is a chance to win the battle (or the goal is so important that it is not a pity to die for it with honor). And to reconcile and walk away from the battle - when the gain is small, and more resources will be spent on the fight than I can afford. (For example: “Yes, I won’t be promoted at this company; in my opinion, they treat me unfairly with positions and bonuses. But until next year I can’t afford to quit: I still have to pay a mortgage and a loan for my mother. I need in this salary. Therefore, I will behave politely, sit quietly, work honestly and little by little look for a new job"). Unpleasant? Not fair? Well, yes, if you believe in it, then it is so. But this world did not promise you that it would correspond to all your ideas about justice. Alas. We can only choose how to live in these conditions, but not dictate the conditions themselves. And there are plenty of crappy jobs and ungrateful friends. This doesn't mean you have to stay in touch with them while trying to get what you want.

Working through a grudge does not mean “not feeling offended,” “coming to terms with injustice,” or, especially, “loving the offender.” It simply means recognizing my real place in the world, assessing my capabilities, and deciding what exactly I am going to do with my life.

In the real world, not in the world of your fantasies. And you can’t imagine how much energy this frees up for real life!…

All explanations and excuses

It happens that you do not justify the behavior of the offender. So write:

• She's a filthy creature
• I hate her - she’s not my friend at all after this

Otherwise, you may have a list of excuses for her behavior:

• Something must have happened to her today and she got distracted.
• Maybe she will come to her senses and write
• She's too busy, she forgot
• She turned off the reminder on her phone, and that’s why she didn’t get the message that I have a birthday today
• So she should remember everything without reminders!
• I remember when she had a birthday, and I congratulated her, so why the hell doesn’t she write to me??
• Maybe she just doesn't have a network, that's why she doesn't write
• Maybe she's busy, she's with her boyfriend now, she'll call later when she's finished with him
• What if he doesn’t call?!

Often, when we are hurt, subconsciously we try to somehow get away from this pain and come up with possible explanations and justifications for why this happened, why the person is not to blame. This is done in order not to think that he is actually to blame.

You know that if you now start to think that it is his fault, a broken record will start inside you that will begin to torment you. You don’t want this, so you come up with excuses or even look for them on the Internet, starting the question with the word “Why...”

But the point here is not to find some explanation or justification. There is no need to look for any truth among these explanations. Write down all the explanations and justifications without thinking about which of them is true - they all need to be discharged so that you can throw away this resentment.

Now ask yourself a question.

Algorithm for entering an offense.

Let's analyze what attitudes you used to get offended. Resentment is a child's emotional reaction. Envy, resentment and jealousy are children's ways of reacting when more complex mechanisms are not learned and not habitual. Our inner child is selfish and he wants to get what he wants by any means. As a child, it was enough to pout and the tension around us would subside; usually people would begin to feel sorry for us and love us.

As teenagers, we ran away from the discrepancy between reality and our picture of the world by resentfully joining subcultures (goths, punks, emo) or demonstrating protest behavior. But the psyche matures and becomes more complex. An adult cannot afford to shake the foundations by which everything was created. He analyzes the cause-and-effect relationships of what is happening. Demands not only from others, but also from himself. Explores the world. Creates and develops situations as he needs it. He controls reality, and does not go with the flow, being offended that it is taking him in the wrong direction. And of course, he respects the feelings of other people without causing them offense or pain.

Children's grievances.

When we function on instincts, we analyze little of what is happening and, because of this, we are not offended. When the cubs, pushing each other away, strive for the mother's papilla, they selfishly follow their goal, and are not offended because they were pushed away by other competitors for the mother's nourishing papilla. Cubs instinctively strive for what they want.

Resentment is a later psychological reaction, when desires are already realized, and the desires of other people are also realized. When these desires overlap each other and do not coincide, and sometimes even contradict, we begin to defend “ours” physically and mentally by any means available to us.

Resentment is the most painless way for a weak child to get out of a conflict without defending his boundaries, but without giving up . This is an opportunity to achieve what you want using self-pity. But if the desire is still not satisfied, frustration arises and, as a consequence, aggression. Therefore, resentment always requires revenge or satisfaction to relieve the resulting mental tension.

Adult grievances.

Older people, if they find themselves in a situation where they are weak, ineffective or unprotected, also regress to earlier psycho-emotional reactions. After all, in order to form new reactions in this situation, time, effort and skills are required.

The offense algorithm is based on five mental operations: inflated or simply different expectations + imposing these expectations on reality + comparison with a certain standard + the inability to protect oneself, one’s values ​​and interests + making the decision to be offended, instead of some other way of resolving the situation.