CHAPTER 5. Man and woman as partners / Woman. A manual for men

Partnership marriage: what is it?

In the modern world, there are many types of family relationships, which have some differences.
For example, the so-called civil marriage, when the partners do not enter into an official union, but actually live together, run a common household, etc.

Guest marriage is becoming popular today, when spouses live separately but meet periodically. However, one of the interesting forms is partnership marriage.

This is a type of relationship in which both parties have equal rights and importance in each other’s eyes, and the concept of debt in its negative sense is not applicable.

Legally, there are no differences from a traditional union, but the relationship between husband and wife is structured in such a way that they do not fulfill the usual roles in the union.

Partnerships in the family: not always equal and not everyone can do it

Film "Major Payne"

When you are offered to become a partner, it is not always clear what is behind it...

Film "Satya Das"

Some approaches believe that there cannot be partnerships between a man and a woman in a family.

Film "Radislav Gandapas"

There is also an opinion that in a family partnerships should be exclusively relationships of equals.

Film "Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears"

These relationships will definitely be partnerships, but not entirely equal%3A in which the man’s word will always be final.

Film "Liquidation"

They love each other and they hear each other. This is a loving partnership.

Film "Business approach and love"

Online program by Dmitry Sorok “A Woman Through the Eyes of a Man.” Issue No. 1. Visiting Dmitry Prof. N.I. Kozlov and his wife, psychologist Marina Smirnova.

In the comments to the “I am the sun” test and many articles devoted to marital relationships, you can often hear: “Domostroy does not suit me, there should be partnerships in the family!” Does everyone know what it is: partnerships? For our Russian culture, this phenomenon is quite new, some people really like it, but for others it causes serious protests. The purpose of this article is to talk about partnerships in more detail, describe their pros and cons, and discuss who they are suitable for and who they are not.

The essence of partnerships in family relationships is that partners cast aside their prejudices about “how things should be in a family in general” and resolve all specific issues themselves, agree on everything on equal terms and in a free manner.

There is a man, he has his own vision of possible relationships and his own interests. There is a woman, she has her own views on relationships and her own plans. These free people sit down and agree on how they want to live together. And then they live according to these agreements...

What is the opposite of partnerships? If we do not consider completely problematic options, then partnership relations are opposed by the traditional family, where spouses consult with each other, but the final decision on the main issues of life is made by the husband. A traditional family has a vertical power structure; it is a family with unity of command. But in a family with a partnership there is no vertical power structure; here the relationship is fundamentally “equal.” A synonym for partnerships in a family is democracy; sometimes this design is called a horizontal family or a I + I family, in contrast to the WE family.

Relationships “as equals” sound nice, but the reality is more complicated. If the partners behave honestly, then the negotiations last a long time: until the spouses come to an agreement, quarrel or get tired. Negotiating from a position of “equals” is difficult.

- If I don’t interrupt you, then you don’t interrupt me either. If I remove emotions in a discussion, then you remove them too...

Is everyone ready to build their relationships this way? Of course not. Partnerships can only be built by civilized people who are ready to talk according to the rules and live according to agreements. And this presupposes the ability to control your emotions, live with your mind, and not just your feelings, and high internal discipline.

Now let’s imagine a jealous man and a woman with PMS next to each other: how realistic is a partnership for them?

What determines whether a particular family will have partnerships or not? First of all, it depends on the ability and desire of the spouses to build such relationships. If a girl is used to being offended instead of negotiating, there will be no partnership with her. If the husband is used to yelling in case of disagreement rather than listening, there is also no need to talk about any partnership. If spouses respect each other, then in a partnership they will always listen carefully to each other and conduct discussions on equal terms. In a family with a partnership, parents try to have the same style of conversation even with small children, emphasizing that the child’s opinion is very important to them.

However, more often it is more of a game of partnership rather than a real partnership. Partnership begins with negotiations, with the ability to formulate your position, defend your terms and outline your obligations. Can our children aged 5-7 years old do this? Unique - yes, normal - no. Ordinary children can talk well about what they want, but few children know how to carry out agreements on their own. One way or another, in most reasonable families, the child’s desire, until it is supported by contributions on his part and his responsibility, “weighs” less than the word of an adult.

Partnerships can also be unequal

Partnership relations really “stand” in equal negotiations, however, to say that partnerships in the family are always relationships “on equal terms” is incorrect. It is enough for a family consisting of a husband, wife and children to find themselves high in the mountains with heavy backpacks and in a dangerous situation, and all equality in any partnership disappears: adults take their children in their arms or hold them by the hand, the wife obeys her husband, and the husband carries the heaviest backpacks and is responsible for everyone. However, in the kitchen the situation can turn exactly the opposite, and in any partnership the wife will be in command in the kitchen. Also, if a husband and wife go to the market and the husband knows little about shopping, the wife will have the deciding vote. They are in a partnership, they respect each other and the wife will take into account the husband’s wishes, but his main job is to carry heavy bags, and the wife’s job is to choose the right products. Indeed, in families with partnerships, there is often a situation where the husband and wife share areas of responsibility, and in some area the husband has the final say, and in another area, the wife has the final say. It is the specifics of the situation that often determine whose word in a given situation will be decisive.

However, in many families where relationships are generally partnerships, the preponderance of rights between spouses is determined not by the situation, but by their personal characteristics and the personal situation between them.

Equal rights will only be between equals. The relationship between a helpless male parasite and an energetic woman who supports a family, children and this parasite will not be equal. Likewise, it is difficult to count on equality in a family where a woman is not ready to earn the same amount of money as a man, and at the same time does not like to cook and allows herself to be in a bad mood...

Equal rights will only be between equals. Is this true for you? Do you care about this?

For equality to be maintained, it must be maintained. She was wonderful, he was energetic, they built a relationship as equals. If over time she has become lazy and fat, then her scandals and demands for an equal relationship will not return her previous relationships.

Equality is a fragile thing.

Free people enter into negotiations on partnerships as equals, but rarely leave as equals. If you are a better negotiator than the other, you have the advantage, but if your partner makes larger contributions to the family and you are a freeloader (freeloader), your position is weak. The most problematic situation is for someone who is very interested in a relationship and is forced to negotiate with a party who has little interest in the relationship or, worse, is burdened by the relationship...

God forbid you find yourself in the place of a woman who wants to save her family and is negotiating with her husband who wants to leave the family... If he “so be it” agrees to stay, what enslaving conditions can he impose in such a “partnership” relationship?

Inequality in partnerships is a common thing; some inequality in a relationship does not make the relationship “not a partnership.” Simply, the less equality there is in a relationship, the less of a partnership the relationship is. When equality disappears completely, partnerships disappear completely.

Who is suitable and who is not suitable for partnerships? What are their pros and cons?

Partnerships are not suitable for those who are used to traditional relationships. Imagine the dialogue:

- So, okay, now about money: I suggest that each of us contribute equally to general family expenses every month, for example, 30,000 rubles. - Why? My salary is 60,000, and yours is 300,000! If I give half, then you will give half! - Honey, our relationship is equal, so we will invest equal amounts. - But this is not a family! “But you yourself said that we are throwing away the idea of a traditional family and will live as partners, on the principles of equality!”

Partnership relationships are not very beneficial for people who are dependent on a partner: the resulting agreements will most likely be unattractive for them. Partnerships are completely contraindicated for parasites in life. She doesn’t work and was hoping that he would support her, and he says: “Why on earth?”

Partnerships are not very convenient for men who are used to being leaders in life and are burdened by excessive democracy. “If I love my wife, why these endless painful negotiations? We consulted and I decided - it’s easier and more practical.” Partnership relationships are absolutely not suitable for eccentric women who are accustomed to living by emotions and do not consider themselves obligated to follow agreements.

Partnership relationships are very convenient for men who have not yet worked up. At the stage of agreements, the following dialogue is quite realistic:

- Darling, you and I are free people. I undertake to invest the agreed amount into our union and meet you with flowers six days a week. But on Sunday I will be with my mistress. I don’t mind if you take a lover for yourself too. - What are you saying?! - Darling, but we decided not to constrain ourselves with traditional prejudices. We are free people!

Partnership relationships are suitable for men who have had negative experiences in relationships and now want to be sure that their interests and rights in the family will be protected by clear initial agreements. Partnerships are dear to women who lead an active, creative or business-oriented lifestyle. They do not want to be enslaved within a close family framework; freedom is important to them and they are accustomed to respect for their rights.

This freedom, however, comes at a cost: partnerships create a certain distance in the relationship. There are always rules between partners, and living feelings, if they contradict the rules, are prohibited. In addition, in families with such relationships, it takes a long time to negotiate on any issue, and this is not easy, and if the partners do not have time in reserve and their nerves are not iron, long negotiations often lead to conflicts...

For an ordinary woman, these partnerships are a great test. So far, everything is fine - yes, everything is fine, but as soon as the relationship gets tense, it’s not clear how to get something from the man. He doesn’t hear the demands - “What are the grounds for your demands?”, it’s difficult to prove anything to him, logic is not a woman’s strong point, and you can’t be offended and cry, since smart men have already indicated in the initial relationship agreement that pressure by feelings is considered manipulation and forbidden. A normal woman in such a situation simply feels fooled, sooner or later she cannot stand it and throws a tantrum against these stupid rules, which is where the partnership ends for her...

What do you think about partnerships? What is your experience? How is this something that suits you?

Goals and objectives

Often the concept of a partnership marriage is interpreted erroneously as the coexistence of spouses while simultaneously taking into account only their own interests, maintaining a separate budget, etc.

However, the main goal of such a relationship is the partnership of two loving people. Obviously, such a marriage is impossible for any other reasons than mutual feelings. If a traditional marriage can exist for a long time out of convenience, out of a sense of obligation to a partner or to a common child, then in a partnership such a development of events is impossible. The tasks of such a union are the same as in the classical case.

The peculiarities of the built relationship between the parties allow spouses to exist more harmoniously and independently, as individuals.

Selecting a partner for marriage

A separate question marks the choice of a person with whom such a relationship is possible, in which the only responsibility is happiness. However, there is no specific scenario for selecting a suitable option. Obviously, it is not possible to build such a relationship with every potential spouse.

At the stage when the marriage has not yet been concluded, you can try to find out the views of a potential partner regarding:

sharing all expenses;
joint upbringing of children, distribution of all responsibilities for their care and supervision;
prospects and plans for the future;
classical form of marriage, traditional division of responsibilities;
the roles of wife and husband in the family, etc.

If you want to create a partnership, you will need broader thinking and views on the roles of men and women than in a conventional union. This is not available to everyone. For example, if one of the parties was brought up in an atmosphere of strict division of responsibilities and roles between parents, then it will be quite difficult to change their view of the situation. In addition, in a partnership, it is important to have a single vector of movement, goals and aspirations of the spouses. This will make it possible to resolve any disagreements mutually and create a system of partnerships in the family.

Characteristics of a spiritual type of marriage

Spiritual marriage is the most complex and difficult to establish. In this union, the spouses complement each other, or rather, the type of thinking and views are mutually complementary.

The main characteristics of spiritual relationships are as follows:

intolerance of loneliness;
philosophical outlook on life, constant search for truth in the family;
spouses are interested in each other, trying to find something unknown in their partner;
partners are distinguished by their deep and wise views;
the rules of morality in relationships are established independently;
the work of the spouses, their careers go side by side, bearing fruit;
public opinion does not matter;
spiritual union transforms partners;
relationships only get stronger over time.

A spiritual union is inherently very complex, it can also be called antisocial and countersocial, it is closest to the religious understanding of marriage, and the connecting link between two people is spirituality.

Signs of partnership in marriage

If the spouses managed to build communication and interaction in such a way that everyone is comfortable, no one has to adapt and tolerate the other, then their union can be called a partnership. However, such a marriage has obvious signs:

common plans and prospects that do not contradict the interests of each spouse;
mutual respect;
all costs are transparent and negotiable. A partnership marriage does not always mean having only personal finances. Spouses often open a single account, but may have personal cards. Thus, the budget is general, but the costs are individual;
a large amount of time spent together;
absence of serious secrets from each other;
discussion of problems;
the birth of a child does not diminish the importance of spouses for each other.

Another distinctive feature that separates this type of relationship from traditional ones is the indispensability of each spouse. For example, if a classic union is concluded by convenience, then it is enough to replace one earner with another and nothing will change in essence. This is possible in families where someone acts as the “breadwinner”, “keeper of the hearth”, etc. In partnerships this is impossible, since each of the participants is a full-fledged person, and not a specific role.

In a partnership, spouses always have ways of supporting and approving each other. Instead of reproaches and mutual claims, the ability to discuss the problem and come to a mutual solution prevails.

Family partnership rules

When planning your life together, you must adhere to the following aspects of a democratic relationship:

Respect for each other
. In most cases, women feel discrimination. The times of matriarchy are long gone, so it is rare for a lady to occupy a dominant position in the house. An exceptionally successful businesswoman can afford to be a leader with a husband who did not succeed in life. Partnerships imply equality when both spouses respect each other. One of them may lose his job, which should not affect the microclimate in the couple.
Showing interest in your partner
. In the evenings, psychologists advise making it a tradition to read out small reports about your day. However, they should not turn into interrogation with bias. Spouses who are truly dear to each other will always be interested in the affairs of their other half.
Eradication of jealousy
. In this case, we recall the legendary words of Caesar, who responded to accusations against his wife that she was always above suspicion. Trust should be the basis of partnerships.
Finding a common goal
. A tandem of loving hearts will fall apart if the spouses do not have similar views on life. Without planning a joint future, there can be no talk of any partnership. Such a family model presupposes not only equality, but also a clear understanding of the prospects for the development of relationships.
Contact in the form of a dialogue
. If a monologue is constantly present in conversations, then we are talking about patriarchy or matriarchy. People need to hear each other in order to understand the needs of a loved one. Dialogue on equal terms is the basis of partnerships.
Financial equality
. People who strive for unity of thoughts in marriage should maintain a common family budget. Ideally, it is recommended to deposit all earned funds into it, and then jointly decide where and for what purposes to distribute them.
A unified approach to raising children
. In partnerships, it is important to correctly approach the pedagogical impact on the younger generation. The requirements of the father and mother in relation to their child should be the same in order to avoid future conflicts on this basis.

The stated postulates may be slightly changed if the couple has come to such a mutual decision.
Partnership relationships do not imply imposing your views on a particular issue on your chosen one. If spouses decide to put the same amount of money into a common pot with different incomes, then this is solely their decision. If a couple has a chance to create a democratic family, then psychologists can suggest spouses use the following exercises:

"Ice and Fire"
. To complete it, the husband and wife are given markers, pens and sheets of paper. The essence of the task is to voice on one side of the sheet 10 character traits of a person who can be called an exemplary family man. In the second column, spouses should identify the person’s behavior that can destroy the marriage. Then the lists are compared, after which similar positions in the pair’s reasoning are circled with markers and the result is summed up. It is done in the form of questions from a psychologist regarding what this exercise gave for understanding the democratic family model.
Scenes from life
. The specialist offers each spouse, with the help of facial expressions and gestures, to show their other half some situation in which the husband and wife take part. The topics of such productions should directly relate to partnerships in which there is no dictate.
Conversation between a blind man and a deaf man
. This exercise is quite difficult to perform, but brings excellent results. One of the spouses puts earplugs in their ears, and the other is blindfolded. In this case, the couple needs to discuss their immediate plans for the future in this state.

Voiced exercises help spouses learn to concentrate on their partner and develop empathic empathy for him.
What are partnerships in a family? Look at the video:

Partnership between a woman and a man is a mutual desire of the spouses to maintain trust and love in the family. Each couple has the right to decide for themselves how to arrange their life. Statistics show that some spouses cannot accept an equal partnership and separate after a year, while some enter old age together.

Pros and cons of independent relationships

Each partner in such a marriage is as independent as possible from the other. He can have a high position, set global goals and try to achieve them, and not sacrifice anything serious because of the unwillingness or inability of another person to move forward. However, this does not mean a disrespectful or disregardful attitude towards the interests and opinions of the second spouse.

Among the main advantages of this relationship model are:

independence of two people from each other in the usual sense;
joint management of affairs, budget, problem solving;
achieving agreement and mutually beneficial conditions for life;
the opportunity for husband and wife to “look in the same direction”;
understanding for everyone of their own significance and importance in relationships, etc.

Despite the obvious advantages, there are also a number of disadvantages that cannot be ignored:

does not guarantee long-term relationships;
implies personal responsibility for each partner. For many, it is easier to shift the decision of important issues to a spouse than to deal with them independently;
unusual for the Russian mentality;
According to statistics, there is not a long period of time.

Of course, the pros and cons are individual for everyone. However, they can only be assessed after going a certain way in such relationships.

As a result, attitudes towards partnership marriage today are ambiguous. However, this is not due to its essence, but to a misunderstanding of the definition and objectives of such a union. The spouses in it are independent individuals and do not seek to suppress each other, take a leading position or shift the solution of problems to each other. Everyone behaves independently, but responsibly towards their partner, takes into account his interests and does not neglect their own. Such a union has advantages and disadvantages, which can only be fully assessed on an individual basis.

Partnership marriage: between dreams and reality

Ecology of life: I’ve never been good with role-playing games. Well, that’s all: he’s dragging a mammoth, and here I am in a dress...

I've never been good with role-playing games. Well, that’s all: he’s dragging a mammoth, and here I am in a dress, or I’m dragging a mammoth, and here he is in a sling, he’s cooked porridge and brings cartridges, and there’s a bunch of forget-me-nots in his pocket. Maybe because it’s very difficult and expensive to play, maybe because the role is too small and is bursting at the seams, or maybe we are more difficult than any role.

Now they like to say: partnership marriage . Great idea. The only bad thing is that it's an idea. And behind the idea, the most beautiful, you never see a living person - one in whom diarrhea is replaced by insight, meanness - by altruism, and pettiness - by nobility. Or they don’t even change, but somehow miraculously coexist.

And it’s not that the idea is bad: I have an idea for a happy life “from a catalogue”: Sunday dinner, plum pie, white napkins and handmade glasses on the terrace. And suddenly the children don’t eat the pie, but demand sausage, and eat it, the bastards, stealing it from the refrigerator, and you yell at everyone, make them sit in napkins and kindness, and they sit, sit back, look from under their brows and wait for the end.

And you think, well, to hell with it, I welcome life, sausages from containers and stains of ketchup on the table, and stupid plates, old with flowers and cracks, and tea in a bag - but in my soul there is a disgusting ache, nostalgia, for an unfulfilled idea: but they are funny , they dangle their legs, they tell important nonsense. And you also think how good it is, although not like in the catalogue.

And here is this partnership marriage: we are like that in bronze, mutual support, respect, mutual assistance, no games like - but you can’t get personal, you can’t crack a plate on the floor, and grievances must be conveyed through I-messages. And it seems like a good idea, but it turns out according to the catalogue.

For the last 20 years, it has been fashionable to set goals. Create an idea and go towards it. Over the past few years, it has become fashionable not to set goals. Roll on whatever foot you got up on, and be happy if you rolled into a buffet table and not a landfill. You roll around and miss white napkins and tea with mint leaves in porcelain.

So life, and love, and children, and business, as I see it, is not about dragging the present by the scruff of the neck towards a stubborn goal, and not about greeting the uncollected trash with the smile of settlers from Goa in the morning. And about the fact that somewhere between the idea and the present life happens . This is where it lies in solving this daily balance between dreams and reality.

It's about striving to be a good partner and living in how often you're not, it's about striving to raise happy, successful, well-rounded children and being okay with their otherness, it's about writing five-year empire-building goals, and be able to live with a leaky pipe. Because if every day there is still no empire, then it’s very sad, but if every day the pipe is leaking, then it’s no better. And it’s easier to live with a pipe when an empire looms on the horizon, and an empire will only be built when you patch the pipes.

Still from the film Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Also interesting: I got myself a man...

Life with a woman - 17 surprises

The only relationships that work for me are search relationships. We walk like this, the two of us, each with the luggage of our catalogs on our shoulders, and then one will start to whine, then the other will go crazy, then one will support, then the other will merge, and in the morning you wake up and cook porridge, and look for how to live with yesterday’s slammed doors, with unfulfilled romance. When between your dream and reality you are looking not for a compromise, but for a path. And he, such a bastard, everyone has their own, and again you wave your hands and hit the table with maps and routes, argue, make peace, suddenly you faint in tenderness from understanding and are eaten up by its absence.

But let's go together. published