A pity. Is it necessary? Which pity is useful and which is dangerous?

A person’s self-pity is rightfully considered one of the most negative and destructive emotions for him. And it destroys everything inside him and around him. In addition, pity is the cause of negative thinking, which does not bring anything good. And even if a person does not identify his state as self-pity, it can exist regardless of this, i.e. offline.

A person who has succumbed to self-pity at least once gives it every chance to constantly control his behavior and consciousness. And over time, she will no longer need any external circumstances in order to “work”, because... the source of its action will be anxiety, fears and uncertainty.

A person suffering from self-pity stops believing in himself, loses the ability to effectively interact with the world, solve problems, being convinced that he is unable to overcome difficult situations and obstacles. Thoughts about powerlessness make him even weaker, because a person’s intentions and behavior depend on thoughts.

Moments of self-pity are directly related to unconsciousness and the fact that a person is driven by his experiences. What had some significance during his day becomes indifferent and no longer relevant. And this leads to even greater self-pity, resembling a vicious circle from which there is no way to escape.

Although it is very difficult to adequately evaluate and control one's behavior in such a state, anyone who wants to cope with self-pity must make an effort to enter a state of mindfulness. But before we get down to ways to combat this disease, let's look at its main causes, as well as its symptoms.

What does self-pity mean?

Self-pity is destructive to your body and psyche. It quietly destroys not only a person’s health, but also his relationships with loved ones, at work and in society as a whole. If you constantly feel sorry for yourself, then negative thoughts are constantly spinning in the background in your head. You may not even track them or be aware of them. But they exist. And they poison your life.

Once you give up and feel sorry for yourself, chronic despondency, anxiety, uncertainty, and unreasonable fears will begin to haunt you regularly. And you will no longer need to look for special reasons to feel sorry for yourself. Some external factor will provoke a habitual pattern of response, and you will begin to feel sorry for yourself again and again.

And now, looking in the mirror, you don’t recognize yourself. Where is the person who was not afraid of difficulties, always believed in the best, turned any problem into a task and boldly solved it, no matter how much time and effort it took?

The more you feel sorry for yourself, the more you believe what you think about yourself. Your emotions influence your thoughts, attitudes, outlook and behavior.

Self-pity is closely related to unawareness. When we are immersed in experiences, we forget about everything around us. What was once important now loses its relevance and significance. As a result, we feel even more sorry for ourselves, and so on in a circle.

In such a state, it is very difficult to look at the situation from the outside and realize that we are destroying ourselves.

Introduction

Another question: how often do you sympathize with a friend whose lock broke before going out, or a colleague who was pressured by her boss or yelled at by her husband? Such situations evoke in us a feeling of compassion, we rush to listen to the person and help with advice. But most often, the purpose of complaints is to attract attention, and not to solve the problem.

Meanwhile, psychologists say that of all human emotions, the most useless and destructive is pity. When we feel sorry for ourselves, we focus on the consequences rather than the outcome.

We rarely think about what led to this outcome. As a result, we have a feeling of constant dissatisfaction with ourselves and there is no solution to how this can be avoided. If a bus left in front of us, most often what comes to mind are reasons that, in our opinion, had nothing to do with us. This is the position of a victim, where you have no influence on what happens. Without influence, we have a limited circle of responsibility, where we can only complain about circumstances.

How does self-pity manifest itself?

You can easily spot a narcissist or a real scoundrel because they love to show off everything. A person who constantly feels sorry for himself is more difficult to define. After all, whiners are different.

The “Eeyore” type.

Such people constantly feel sorry for themselves. They are eternal sufferers. They don't even need a special reason. Just let me suffer. Once you look at such a whiner, it will immediately become clear that everything, the world has collapsed, the apocalypse has happened and a bright future will never come. It is easier and simpler for “Eeyores” to feel sorry for themselves always and everywhere than to take responsibility and admit mistakes.
Dubious rebel.
They love to be loudly indignant in public, and then quietly feel sorry for themselves at home. These are typical egoists who hide behind a mask, shouting cliched slogans about world peace.
An active pessimist.
Despite the fact that everything in their life seems to be good (they have a family, work, friends, health), active pessimists say that everything can’t be worse. Remember mechanic Zeleny from the Soviet cartoon “The Secret of the Third Planet”? He constantly repeated: “What’s wrong with us?” This is how active pessimists demonstratively show self-pity. It's never their fault, it's all circumstances.
Public whiner.

Such a person is very easy to describe and very difficult to tolerate because he is always whining. Always. They love to do it for show. They need an audience that will listen and empathize. Public whiners are also selfish. Every complaint they make sounds like an oath of allegiance to themselves.
Universal “vest for crying”.
It was for them that they came up with the law about “like attracts like.” Whining and complaining alone is not as interesting as together. People of this type rarely communicate with strong, self-sufficient individuals. After all, they have practically no shortcomings, which means they won’t complain. Then what else is there to talk about?
Self-confident sufferer.

It looks like a combination of incompatible things. But such individuals also exist. And they live quite comfortably in such a two-faced state. Imagine a male model. A narcissistic handsome man, confident that there is no better person in the world. And suddenly the girl leaves him. The self-confident sufferer is crushed. But the reason a man feels sorry for himself is not that he lost his beloved. No. He is annoyed that such an incredible guy like him was offended by such an insidious and unworthy lady. But he won't grieve for long. Why get upset over trifles? After all, there are many women, and such ideal alpha males can be counted on one hand.
Quiet domestic despot.
Do not confuse them with those who, at the slightest quarrel, raise their hands against their household members. A quiet whiner can use words to put a person in his place in such a way that his relatives will be to blame, and he will be the main victim. A typical example: a single mother raised her son. He grew up a modest boy and obeyed his mother in everything. The guy decided to get married. I told my mother about my intentions. Mom is hysterical. Immediately he grabs his heart, Corvalol drips. With the words “I raised you, gave you my whole life, and you decided to exchange me for some little girl,” she lies down on the bed and does not get up for several days. A loving son calls off the wedding. And he continues to live with his mother so that she does not get upset. My son will be 40 next year.
Little Napoleon.

They do not tolerate objections. They bang their fists on the table and shout menacingly, “I said so.” They like to talk a lot on the topic and not so much. Among such generals you cannot recognize a whiner at first glance. But as soon as their next brilliant idea fails, the “Napoleons” immediately begin to feel sorry for themselves, sincerely lamenting the failure of their ideal plan.
Read also: Motivation for losing weight: a good reason to lose weight

If you find signs of one or more of the listed types in yourself, do not be alarmed. This is fine. The main thing is that these aspects of your personality do not take control of your life. Everything is good in moderation, including self-pity.

We take complaints to the point of absurdity

The best weapon is self-irony, and in our case, it is the first step towards getting rid of complaints. Right now, in writing, verbally, alone or with a friend, start complaining about everything. Give free rein to your imagination:

I'm unlucky because the front of the house is painted red;
I couldn't walk the dog because the sun was shining too brightly;
I couldn't finish the report because the coffee drink was too milky;
I was late for a meeting because the tea was too green;
I missed the bus because the grass is too green;
I have no money because there are no suitable vacancies for me right now.

The more absurd the complaints, the more clearly it is clear that most of the reasons are far-fetched. And from here we have the next step:

How to recognize self-pity

The most difficult thing is to understand that in fact you do not feel sorry for yourself, but suppress anger and irritation at the actions and behavior of the people around you. When you think that it’s not you who are to blame for everything, but your husband, boss, mother (underline as appropriate), then the feeling of self-pity says: “You are so perfect, but he/she is just soulless, doesn’t understand you at all, doesn’t appreciate you.” , does not respect, does not take into account your opinion. They always make you suffer."

Such thoughts make you want to feel even more sorry for yourself and continue to suffer, cry, and lament over injustice. It’s so bad for you here, and your offenders don’t even realize it. People have become so angry and insensitive. Where is the world heading?

The whole drama of the situation does not allow you to even admit that you are exaggerating everything. And the actions of the offender are just a reason to once again show self-pity. Let someone just try to tell you about this and suggest that you work on your attitude towards life; slippers, a vase or a glass of water will immediately fly at him. Anyone, you know for sure that this is complete nonsense.

How to pay?

Step four. You have to pay for everything, and our situation is no exception. On the path to a successful life, you need to determine what you are willing to give in exchange for a positive result:

Laziness that prevents you from learning a foreign language and finding a better paid position?
Fear that makes you not go to the gym to lose those extra pounds?
Envy that makes you focus on your neighbor's life instead of your own?
Is it greed that keeps you from attending development events?

Let's right now choose a few things without which we will have less reason to resort to humiliating pity.

What does self-pity give?

Self-pity as an emotion is not so negative. It gives many advantages to a whiner. Firstly, it relieves him of responsibility for events in the past and future. Others are so incomprehensible, unscrupulous, callous and soulless, and whiners are innocent victims who, by coincidence, fell into their insidious networks.

Secondly, when you feel sorry for yourself, you feel a sweet feeling of ecstasy. It’s so nice to plunge headlong into despair, shed tears and lament over your unhappy life, considering everyone else to be the culprits of failure. So you feel a certain spiritual superiority. You are completely different from your offenders.

Thirdly, it is easier to blame others for your problems than to admit that the problem is you and begin to change. Self-pity is so addictive that addiction to this state arises. I want to grieve again and again, experiencing sadness on a universal scale. At such moments you feel chosen. There are you and them. You are perfect, but no one understands you. They are a gray mass of ordinary people who are not capable of experiencing the same emotions as you.

But this imaginary superiority drags us even further into the swamp of depression, despondency and idleness.

Formulate the right questions

Instead of asking why, why and how, ask yourself:

What could I have done to prevent this situation from happening?
What time do I need to leave home in order to arrive at the office on time?
How long will it actually take me to complete the report?
What can I do to fix this?

Choose a problem that you feel you cannot influence. Focus on the solution by asking yourself the last question from the list above often.

How self-pity affects the body

Leads to clinical depression.
Professor of psychiatry Mikhail Vinogradov believes that self-pity is destructive. It masks the true stress that a person experiences, driving it deep into the subconscious. The more often you plunge into this state, the more unreacted stress you hide inside yourself. When your cup overflows, clinical depression begins. Self-pity, according to Vinogradov, is futile. This is a dead end, the only way out of which is to gather your courage and pull yourself out.
Affects blood vessels.

If you regularly and methodically feel sorry for yourself, then you will soon develop an asthenic (weak) way of responding to any external influences. Gradually, the brain will begin to work differently, especially the departments that are responsible for motivation, perception, and attention. Further - worse. The hypothalamus, pituitary gland and adrenaline production system will change. This will lead to disruption of the cardiovascular system. As a result, you will get blood pressure problems. You will feel chronically tired and always on edge. You may even experience obsessive fears or panic attacks.
Reduces immunity.
The asthenic way of responding leads to malfunctions of the immune system. Resistance to viruses and bacteria will decrease. You will get sick more often and more severely. In addition, you will suspect that you have serious and incurable diseases. People who constantly feel sorry for themselves like to exaggerate the most minor symptoms.
Causes vitamin deficiency.
Due to constant stress caused by depression and neuroses, the reserves of vitamins and microelements in the body are depleted. They are more difficult to digest from food. This may be accompanied by pale skin.

The main reasons for self-pity

Let's try to figure out why people develop the habit of constantly feeling sorry for themselves:

Excessive demands on reality.

Life is an unpredictable thing. Not everything always goes according to plan. Various force majeure events unsettle whiners who tend to dissolve in self-pity. They blame everyone in the world for their problems except themselves. If they suddenly get sick, then the culprit is the ubiquitous viruses and bacteria or a work colleague who opened the window in the office. If you accidentally trip and twist your ankle on the street, then the road service is to blame for laying the asphalt incorrectly. It is very difficult to communicate with such whiners. They strive to pour out a bunch of useless negativity on you.

Hypochondria.

Such hypochondriacs are reminiscent of Melman the giraffe from the American cartoon “Madagascar”, who was sick with almost everything. People of this type are very suspicious. They search for and find symptoms of all known diseases. Of course, the most terrible ones. With the exception of prostatitis in women and pregnancy in men. Their self-pity is so extreme that only an experienced psychotherapist can help them get out of this state.

Dependence on other people's opinions.

If as a child your parents or grandparents often said to you: “Ah-ah-ah, isn’t it a shame, what will people say about you?” or “Why are you crying? Look, the girl is looking at you, she will think that you are capricious,” then now that you are an adult and independent, you probably often look at those around you when making decisions. This is also a manifestation of self-pity. Only in a hidden form.

End of the tunnel situation.

It's hard to get up and move on when you're at rock bottom. People who tend to feel sorry for themselves become depressed in such situations and begin to engage in soul-searching. Instead of gathering all their strength into a fist and getting out of a crisis situation, they dig themselves even deeper into a hopeless swamp of despondency. It seems that everything, the end of the world has come and it will never be as good as before.

Betrayal by loved ones.

Betrayal can be real or imaginary. The latter does not happen in reality, but in the head. Remember the literary heroes: Arthur Burton (Gadfly) and the Count of Monte Cristo. Both are rebels in spirit and found themselves in an unfortunate situation due to circumstances and the fault of other people. But Burton suffers from the imaginary betrayal of his beloved Gemma and is therefore offended by the whole world. But the Count of Monte Cristo did not feel sorry for himself, but chose revenge. The first is a weak whiner, the second is a desperate revolutionary, although both have faced injustice towards themselves.

Manipulation of loved ones.

This is probably the most unpleasant reason for self-pity. Such methods are in the arsenal of either advanced provocateurs or hardened egoists. Only certain vulnerable and insecure individuals feel sorry for themselves by manipulating loved ones. For them, the world is full of dangers. And they are weak and defenseless. And every time in a difficult situation they act according to the following scheme: I am good - you are strong - there is danger - I feel sorry for myself - help, because I am good.

Keep in mind: manipulation and imaginary self-pity in psychology are separated from true pity, for which there are objective grounds. Such people really need the help of loved ones to get out of a crisis situation.

3 more exercises to overcome self-pity

Exercise 1.
Meeting with the inner child.

Every adult uncle and forever 18-year-old aunt has their own inner child. Not the one that is written in the passport or has not yet been born, but the one that 30-40 years ago was Petenka, and not Pyotr Sergeevich, Katyusha, and not Ekaterina Nikolaevna. This part of our personality is responsible for play, creativity, direct perception of the world, curiosity, the ability to be surprised, laugh, and rejoice. But it also has a downside - helplessness, dependence, resentment, fears. You choose which one to allow to prevail. If you suddenly realize that you have become too whiny and unsure of yourself, remember that in addition to your inner child, you also have an inner adult - strong, confident, independent, capable of taking responsibility and controlling emotions.

Try to mentally replay the situation. The all-powerful inner adult meets the fearful inner child. Take two chairs. Sit on one and place the second in front of you. Imagine that an unhappy inner child is sitting on it, who so badly wants to be pitied. Give him the opportunity to complain and cry. Ask him to talk about how he feels, about all his misfortunes and grievances. Listen carefully, empathizing, but not getting emotionally involved, as if from the outside. Try to console your inner child. Ask yourself what does he want? How to calm him down? What words of encouragement does he want to hear?

Mentally tell yourself, your inner child, all these kind words, take him in your arms, hug him tenderly. Then tell him the big secret that you are one, that an adult is always there to protect and support.

Do this exercise 3-4 times with a break of a couple of days. Soon you will feel that the need to constantly feel sorry for yourself has disappeared. You will feel inner strength and stop considering yourself a worthless loser.

Exercise 2. Meditation.

Meditation helps to cope with many toxic emotions and feelings, including self-pity.

Find a secluded place where you will not be disturbed. If you live in a studio apartment with your husband, mother-in-law and three children, set your alarm for early in the morning. Turn off your phone. Sit comfortably. Close your eyes. Inhale and exhale slowly. Feel your entire body, from the top of your head to your toes. Now imagine that you are in the bathroom. You have a large jug in your hands. Now start feeling sorry for yourself. With all my might and very emotionally. Mentally fill the jug with your pity. Continue doing this for about 10 minutes (you can set a timer in advance).

Keep in mind, it won't be easy to complain for so long. It just seems that you can endlessly look for the reasons for your failures. After a couple of minutes, you will realize that your supply has been exhausted, and you will begin to suck self-pity and resentment out of your finger. When the time is up, mentally empty the jug into the sink or toilet. Do it quickly and decisively. Rinse the jug. Then slowly count to ten and open your eyes. You will feel a huge sense of relief. If you do this meditation regularly, you will notice how your life will sparkle with new colors.

Exercise 3. List.

If you want to forget about self-pity, remember a simple thing: everyone has ups and downs in life, but failures haunt those for whom everything is never enough. Look at yourself in the mirror. Yes, you don’t have size 4 breasts, a thin waist and legs from your ears. You are not married to Abramovich, you do not live in Monaco and you do not drive a Lamborghini. But this is not a reason to consider yourself a complete failure and blame fate for everything.

Write on a piece of paper a list of all the things you are proud of. These could be talents, knowledge, skills, hobbies, friends, parents, eye color or sense of humor. Do you know how to bake biscuits? Do you sing great? Do you park with your left hand? Many would envy you!

The more seemingly insignificant things are on your list, the faster you will realize that you have no objective reasons for feeling sorry for yourself.