Codependent relationships. How to distinguish them from healthy relationships?

Codependent relationships are a type of relationship in which one person lives by the interests and needs of the other, constantly trying to please him. “What is codependency and how to get rid of it?”, “I can’t break up,” “I can’t forget my ex” are popular queries in the field of psychology. People begin to think about codependency when they realize that the expression “Together is bad, but apart is even worse” directly applies to them. Let's take a closer look at what codependency is, study the causes and signs of such a model, and learn how to get rid of codependency in a relationship.

What are codependent relationships and codependency?

Many psychologists, when talking about codependency, have in mind its narrow concept. When codependency is a state of dependence in which family members with an addicted person (alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, etc.) find themselves. When they are highly dependent on his behavior.

But there is a broader definition of codependency, when it means any dependence of one person on a significant other.

And codependent relationships are relationships that codependent partners build. When they both focus more not on themselves, not on what is happening inside them: what they themselves want, what they feel and what they need. And they focus on their partner - what he does or doesn’t do, where he is and how he is, what he wants or doesn’t want, how he will behave this time and whether he will finally change or not.

Codependency often originates in the family in which a person grew up. Those who acquired codependent traits and behavior patterns were most likely raised in a codependent family, i.e. in a family with broken relationships.

Codependent relationships are relationships in which the personal boundaries of the participants in these relationships are systematically violated.

Signs of a codependent relationship

• You're not happy with the relationship, but you're not leaving it and you're not doing anything to truly change it. If you do something for this, then only those actions that ultimately turn out to be ineffective.
• You are not satisfied with your partner the way he is. You want and hope that he will change.
• You yourself greatly adapt to your partner and your relationship. In these relationships, you are not yourself, you are not sincere with your partner, as if you are “wearing a mask”, playing some kind of learned role.
• Such relationships are built on a “swing”: they are either very good or monstrously bad. You either want to be together with your man, or you want to separate and never see him again. You either agree with him or diverge. Either you love your partner and “can’t live without him,” then you hate him or stop having feelings for him. Because of such “swings,” relationships look unstable. You can see an example of such instability in the film “Swing” (2008).
• You feel that you and your partner have a “special connection”, you seem to be an extension of each other, you are like two “halves”, but at the same time there is no true closeness between you.
• In your couple, the responsibilities and boundaries between you are confused - it is not clear where the personal space of each of you is, it is not clear who is responsible for what, and who is responsible for what. You violate your partner's boundaries, and he violates yours. You take responsibility for your partner's actions and behavior, or your partner takes responsibility for you.

Merger and separation: causes of codependency

Why do people get into and stay in the Karpman Triangle? It is believed that this occurs due to disturbances in the process of transition from merging with the mother to separation from her in early childhood. Today it is believed that from the moment of birth until the age of two or three, a child does not recognize himself as a separate being. However, over time, based on trust and a sense of security, a desire to explore the world and psychological independence from mom arises. The child begins to rely on his own inner strength, independently evaluate himself and declare himself, and not wait for someone else to tell him what he deserves and is worth. This allows him to learn to take responsibility for his words and actions, interact with others, express his feelings, restrain aggression, overcome fear and be sober about the authority of others. If the separation process is not completed or goes wrong, the child’s own “I” turns out to be unclear, and the boundaries of the personality remain permeable.

In modern society, separation for one reason or another does not end for many people. The environment at home has its influence, as well as many social systems built on the dependence of some people on others: the outdated mechanism of relations between the “weaker” and “stronger” sex, the practice of suppression, punishment and domination adopted in some educational systems (including Russia), the structure of relations in the labor, commercial, and government spheres, where a more advantageous position is occupied by certain groups of people who determine the way of life of others. From the point of view of psychotherapy, most of the social systems of relations today in one way or another incline people to codependency. As a result, “sick” relationships often arise between people, which can only be improved through two- or multilateral conscious work.

Basic rules in codependent families

Every family has some rules. Some of them can be spoken out, but some of these rules are hidden. That is, everyone follows them, but no one speaks openly about these rules.

In codependent families, family members usually live by such strict rules as:

1. “Don’t be yourself”, “don’t be separate” (be like us, don’t be different, don’t be real).
2. “Don’t feel” (do not experience or express any feelings other than guilt, shame and fear).
3. “Don’t trust” (don’t trust, control, don’t open up).
4. “Don’t talk” (don’t tell others about what is happening in our family).

Causes of codependent relationships:

• Lack of unconditional love from parents in childhood, the child chronically did not have important needs met. Which he then tries to satisfy in his adult relationship with that partner who, just like his parents, turns out to be unable to give this.
• Developmental trauma is psychological trauma in early childhood, due to which a person was unable to complete the stages of forming an attachment with his mother and subsequent separation from her.
• Psychological, physical or sexual abuse in childhood. In the family where a person grew up, his personal boundaries were regularly violated.
• Triangulation - when the child’s parents systematically involved him in the conflicts that occurred in their couple.
• A person grew up in a family where someone was either highly addicted (to alcohol, drugs, gambling), or a psychopath, or mentally ill.
• Relationships with a toxic partner as an adult – e.g. with a chemically dependent person (alcoholic, drug addict), with a psychopath, a pick-up artist, with a sexaholic, manipulator or pathological narcissist.

What is codependency

Most often, codependency means that one of the partners has some kind of chemical or psychological dependence - from alcohol, drugs, gambling, or even just the habit of being lazy - and the second devotes his life to helping his loved one free himself from this addiction, feels his complete responsibility for his condition. Recently, the meaning of this concept has expanded and began to mean pathological dependence on another person: financial, emotional, social or physical. One way or another, in a codependent relationship, a person loses himself as an individual, forgets about his own feelings, desires, needs - and completely dissolves in another person. The meaning of a person’s life becomes the Other. He perceives his problems, thoughts, feelings and needs as his own, and a complete merger occurs.

Melody Beatty, one of the most famous experts on codependency, gives this definition:

“A codependent is a person who has allowed another person's behavior to influence him and is completely consumed by the control of that person's actions (the other person could be a child, an adult, a lover, a spouse, a dad, a mom, a sister, a best friend, a grandma or a grandfather, a client, he may be an alcoholic, a drug addict, mentally or physically ill; a normal person who periodically experiences feelings of sadness).” [1]

An important characteristic of such relationships: both people in them are prone to some kind of addiction. For example, one suffers from alcohol addiction, and the other suffers from love addiction, devoting his life to saving a loved one. This model of relationship is supported by both partners, subconsciously it is beneficial for both, which is why it is so difficult to break the vicious circle and get out of codependency.

Most often, codependency occurs when one of the spouses is alcoholic, and the question of how to get rid of it is especially relevant. Therefore, in addition to this article, we recommend reading material on how to get rid of codependency from an alcoholic husband. And if you are faced with a drug addiction of a loved one, our blog has material about getting rid of the addiction.

Important information about codependent relationships. What motivates people to find themselves in them again and again?

When a child grows up in a family where events constantly occur that cause a lot of painful, difficult feelings in him. For example, repeated domestic violence, dad gets drunk regularly, parents constantly argue, etc.

Then he needs to somehow adapt to the difficult environment in which he grows up in order to survive. And as such an adaptation, he learns not to feel anything, i.e. suppress your feelings and experiences, using various psychological defenses.

As a result of such suppression of feelings, a person, when he becomes an adult, cannot rely on his feelings. Because of this, he cannot understand whether what is happening in his relationship is normal or not. Is such a relationship suitable for him or not?

And as a result, he spends years in a toxic environment and toxic relationships without even realizing it. Since childhood, he has been accustomed to suppressing his feelings. And when he grew up, he continued to do this in his codependent relationships.

When he experiences discomfort and painful feelings that signal to him that something needs to be changed in the relationship. He tries to suppress them, somehow get rid of these feelings, drown them out. Instead of changing your relationship by solving the problem that caused these feelings. Or instead of breaking up with your partner.

When we grow up in a family with codependent, unhealthy relationships, we develop different ways of adapting to this environment where we find ourselves. Which help us survive.

But unfortunately, this leads to such consequences that, due to these same protective methods of adaptation, we begin not to notice reality, not to notice toxicity. And what helped us survive in childhood leads us, as adults, to repeat those painful stories that happened in our family in childhood.

For example, to cope with situations of repeated violence, a girl explains to herself that nothing bad is being done to her. This protects her from pain and helps her survive in an environment that she cannot change.

But when she grows up, she again finds herself in an abusive relationship and does not leave it because she explains to herself that nothing bad is actually happening in her relationship, and that what is being done to her is not abuse.

This is roughly how our defenses work. And therefore we can build codependent relationships again and again in our adult lives.

Cloud of black smoke: living with codependency

Codependency is not a diagnosis from the field of psychiatry and yet it has a catastrophic effect on life. It leads to the destruction of social connections and depression with all the ensuing consequences. A codependent person who suffers from depression (like any other person who suffers from it) is in an altered state of consciousness - and its mechanics are incomprehensible from the outside. The logic of actions in this case is determined not by a sense of self-preservation, a strategy for success in life, psychological defense mechanisms and other natural things, but by pathological patterns of relationships and the state of humiliation and complete lack of prospects in which such people often find themselves.

However, both depression and codependency can be managed. Psychotherapy allows you to resolve these issues; Self-education, support from loved ones and friends, joint analysis of the current situation and a conscious attitude to circumstances help, even if it is not easy to form in the beginning.

The first and most important thing that a person with such a diagnosis should know is that codependency is no one’s fault. It always arises between at least two people, which means that one cannot be blamed for creating such a relationship. This alone destroys the Karpman triangle and takes its participants from the positions of the helpless Victim, the angry Persecutor and the heroic Savior to the positions of equal people who simply find themselves in a difficult situation.

Partners in codependent relationships

Some people are impossible to form healthy relationships with. No matter how much you try to work on yourself, little will change in your relationship if you are faced with a so-called toxic partner.

Types of partners with whom only dependent relationships are possible:

1. A person without empathy, a “love predator” - this can be a pathological narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath, a sadist, a manipulator, a pick-up artist, a misogynist. In my opinion, it doesn’t make much difference what exactly this person has. Moreover, these traits and disorders often exist simultaneously in one person. The only important thing is that he is not able to empathize with other people. Therefore, a healthy relationship with such a partner is impossible, no matter how hard you try.
2. A person with a serious addiction is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, sex addict. Until the person himself wants to get rid of his addiction, you cannot do anything about it. And you won’t be able to build a healthy enough relationship with him.
3. A pronounced counterdependent is a person who is terribly afraid of becoming attached to another person and being rejected by him, and is also very afraid of losing his freedom. And therefore he behaves coldly and unstable in relationships, unconsciously playing the “closer/farther” game with his partner. Often counterdependents provoke their partner so that he “depends” on them, achieves them, tries to keep them. And if your counterdependent partner is not ready to work on himself and receive psychotherapeutic help, then you will not have a healthy relationship with him.
4. A psychologically immature partner is a partner who constantly behaves like a child or a teenager. Such a person will unconsciously always put you in the role of his parent, i.e. create a codependent relationship with you. And until he matures, psychologically and emotionally “grows up”, you will not be able to have a healthy, mature, equal relationship with him.
5. A man married to another woman, i.e. unfree partner.
6. A person prone to cheating. Sometimes cheating in a couple happens only because of problems in their relationship. But sometimes it’s the partner himself – he simply cannot help but cheat on his loved one. Regardless of how satisfied he is with his relationship, he still cheats. And cheating on his regular partner is a violation of his personal boundaries; relationships in which there is cheating cannot be healthy. Therefore, it is impossible to build a healthy relationship with a person who cannot or does not want to be faithful to his partner.

Karpman triangle in psychology

The Karpman triangle is an interpersonal model that best describes codependent relationships. A similar term was introduced back in the 1960s by a follower of transactional analysis, psychoanalyst Stephen Karpman. According to his thought, all interactions of participants can be analyzed through the roles they use in the relationship. A change of roles in this case is quite natural.

In the case of a triangle, a pathological model of interaction is described, in which the productive development of a couple is impossible. The only option is to get out of the Karpman triangle, because in relationships roles are constantly changing and a codependent couple can move in one circle for several years, without progress or moving to another level.

A psychological triangle can revolve around two or three people or entire groups. Since all participants are manipulators in one way or another, the roles are constantly changing - the cycle can continue forever, causing each of the codependents a lot of inconvenience.

There are three roles of the triangle:

• Victim. The main purpose of the victim is suffering. This is an inert person who constantly feels injustice, uncertainty, and fear. However, the victim lacks the strength or resources to somehow change his life.
• Controller, dictator, aggressor or persecutor. Sees life as a source of problems. Constantly criticizes, controls loved ones, experiences anger and irritation.
• Rescuer. Feels pity for the victim and anger towards the aggressor. Takes on the mission to correct the situation, to help other participants, and therefore considers himself superior to others. In fact, his need is illusory, because he does not provide real help, but only asserts himself at the expense of the situation. Therefore, it is important to know, including how to get out of the rescuer role if you are an outside observer.

How does this codependency work and what is its essence? The aggressor controls the victim, criticizes and bullies. The victim suffers, suffers, complains. The rescuer advises, consoles, scolds the aggressor. Each participant sees the problem in someone else and endlessly tries to change the person to serve their goals. To understand how this can be dealt with and why the psychodramatic triangle seriously poisons life, let’s analyze it using real stories.

Manipulative games in codependent relationships

In codependent relationships there are usually no clear and open requests and agreements. Instead, people play different games to get from their partner what they want from them.

Some people strive to show themselves helpless in order to arouse pity in other people and a desire to help. Someone is trying to force others to act the way they want through a demonstration of aggression and force. And someone actively helps other people, “saves” them, “sacrifices” himself for them, so that they, in turn, will be grateful to them and repay them in kind.

In general, all manipulative games in relationships can be reduced to three roles - victim, aggressor and rescuer. These roles make up the Karpman triangle, the drama triangle along which all codependent relationships are built.

These games help people get something from others in an indirect way, i.e. avoiding responsibility for your needs.

Manipulation in codependent relationships is built on the fact that you do not have to independently realize your desires, honestly declare them to the other person and voice your request. And to reduce the likelihood of refusal on his part.

Manipulative relationships, in which manipulation is used a lot and often, cannot be called safe and sincere enough. Therefore, such relationships cannot develop into spiritual intimacy.

The cycle of codependent relationships

In codependent relationships, people again and again try to satisfy those needs that were not met in their childhood in relationships with their parents. But they fail to do this. And then they accumulate irritation, which over time results in a scandal.

Some time after the breakup, partners begin to miss each other. Their fear of loneliness begins to intensify and they hope that their partner can still change and give them what they need.

As a result, they converge again. And again the same scenario is repeated where people cannot get what they need from their partner.

And similar cycles play out again and again in codependent relationships, making both partners unhappy.

How to get out of a codependent relationship?

There are two ways to get out of a codependent relationship:

1. Change these relationships, rebuild them into healthier ones.
2. End this relationship, i.e. break up with this partner.

Not every dependent relationship can be rebuilt, because... the other person may not need it. He may not be ready for change, may not want it, it may be too beneficial for him to be in such a codependent relationship, he may not want to negotiate, etc. And then the best way out will be separation.

On the other hand, ending a relationship that was dependent may not give the person anything. He can find a new partner and again create a similar codependent relationship with him.

Therefore, in order to build a truly healthy, happy relationship, it is important to change yourself. It is important to understand your codependency and codependent behavior patterns, to work through what supports this dependence. And learn to build your relationships differently.

And then it will be much easier for you to get out of dependent relationships if you understand that your partner does not want or cannot change, does not want to discuss your relationship with you, or if this relationship can no longer be saved. Or it will be easier for your partner to change his behavior after you, if he wants to.

The way out of codependency is when you start taking care of yourself instead of changing your partner. An attempt to remake another is violence against him. And violence in relationships only aggravates and strengthens the codependent scenario.

Getting rid of codependency: 5 steps

So how do you “treat” codependency in a relationship? The main thing that is important to understand is that this is primarily your task. You should not wait in vain to expect from another person that he will change, and your relationship will change along with him. Yes, we always say that relationships depend on both partners. But this is exactly the case when you need to start with yourself. Because this is not so much about relationships, but about taking back your life. Let's figure out what is needed for this.

1. Recognize the problem

The solution to any problem begins with its awareness. Admit that you are in a “sick” relationship, and that for your own safety you need to change the situation as soon as possible. It’s also important to understand that this is not your fault - it’s just the destructive model of behavior learned in childhood. By admitting there is a problem, you can move on.

Learn more about codependency

To get rid of an unhealthy relationship model, you need to better understand the reasons why you get into such relationships, your unconscious motivation, and generally understand the problem of codependency. The following books will be a good help for this:

• the works of the already mentioned Berry and Jenae Weinhold, for example, “Liberation from Codependency”,
• book by American psychotherapist Robin Norwood “Women Who Love Too Much”
• Melody Beatty's book “To Save or to Be Saved? How to get rid of the desire to constantly take care of others and start thinking about yourself.”

Distance yourself from your partner, at least temporarily.

Getting rid of codependency does not always mean leaving a relationship completely. Of course, if there is physical violence or threats from your partner, you need to leave immediately. But if things haven't gone that far, there are likely ways to "cure" an unhealthy relationship. However, in the process of your own healing, it is better to live separately for a while, if possible. This will allow you to switch from your partner’s problems to your own life and quickly move on to the next step.

Remember yourself and your needs

In a codependent relationship, a person forgets about his own personality and ceases to separate his emotions and needs from the emotions and needs of his partner. An important step in getting rid of unhealthy behavior patterns is to again recognize yourself as an individual person who has his own desires, feelings, experiences, and dreams.

To pay attention to yourself, you can try the following methods:

• attention to the body: take a few minutes (you can start with one minute) and during this time concentrate on the sensations of your own body and breathing. Mentally record what you feel: for example, tightness in some parts of the body or a rapid heartbeat. Repeat this ritual at least once a day;
• Pay attention to feelings: set several alarms throughout the day. When the signal sounds, stop and ask yourself what emotion you are experiencing right now. This will help you understand yourself better;
• attention to needs: set aside one hour to sit down and write down your desires on a piece of paper - everything that comes to mind, from the smallest and most ridiculous to the seemingly unrealistic. Remember that you should write about yourself: not “I want Vasya to quit smoking,” but “I want to re-read my favorite book.” Hang this list in a prominent place and re-read it once a day, and also set yourself the task of fulfilling at least one of your wishes within a week. This will help you regain your zest for life.

What do you need to “work” in yourself in order to build healthy, interdependent relationships?

1) Become aware of your behavior patterns in relationships and codependent scenarios - this is a very important point, because without their awareness, these scenarios cannot be changed.

In codependent relationships, people often use such psychological defense as denial. Therefore, first of all, it is important to get out of the influence of such defenses and accept the reality of your relationship, that they are not really happy with you.

2) Study and analyze in detail codependent scenarios in your past and current relationships. And figure out what you can start doing differently in your relationship.

3) Learn to shift the focus of attention from your partner’s behavior to your inner world. That is, start asking yourself questions - what is happening to me now? What do I think about this? What do I feel? What do I need? What am I striving for? Why am I doing this? Why do I need this relationship, what important do I get from it for myself? How does what my partner does to me resonate with me? How do I feel about this?

4) “Unfreeze” your feelings, i.e. learn to feel your feelings, as well as recognize, name them and express them environmentally.

It is also important to study the information about what our particular emotions usually tell us, what function this or that feeling performs.

5) Learn to recognize your needs and desires. And with the help of my feelings, I learn to navigate what I want and what I don’t want, what suits me and what doesn’t suit me.

6) Disconnect your needs and desires from your partner in a codependent relationship. Assign your desires to yourself, take responsibility for their implementation. And recognize that these needs can be met for you by other people or by yourself, and not just by your partner.

7) Learn to ask other people and receive from them - warmth, care, attention, support, praise. And learn to give it to other people when they ask for it.

Learn to monitor your manipulations and games in relationships. For each manipulation, look for what need you were trying to satisfy with its help. And learn to replace your manipulations with open requests.

9) Learn to recognize your own and other people’s boundaries, protect your personal boundaries and not violate others. Do not shift your responsibility onto others and do not take on someone else’s.

10) Learn to see both “good” and “bad” in the world, in yourself, in other people, in some phenomena. Refuse “black and white” split thinking, notice halftones, learn not to go to extremes. Become more holistic by resolving your internal conflicts. Use “and” rather than “or” more often.

11) Develop your sense of self-worth, self-esteem. Learn to love yourself, take care of yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Study yourself, who you are and what you are, get to know yourself, your true “I”.

Learn to love your inner child, who in codependents is usually very wounded and hungry for love.

12) Start healing your childhood traumas that are reproduced in codependent relationships. Complete what is left unfinished in the relationship with parents. Heal your inner traumatized child.

13) Work through fears associated with relationships - fear of loneliness and fear of intimacy. Codependent relationships are usually structured in such a way that people can avoid both loneliness and intimacy. And for a healthy relationship, both the ability to be alone and the ability to get closer to another person are important.

14) Instead of immature, infantile dependence, learn mature dependence. Mature dependence differs from immature dependence in that it has a choice of whom to depend on and who not to depend on.

The child has only parents, and he depends on them, no matter what they are. And an adult always has a choice with whom to build relationships and communicate, and with whom not. And in addition to depending on other people, an adult also has the ability to rely on himself, which can help him if something happens.

And the way out of codependency lies not in getting rid of your dependence on other people and not in gaining complete self-sufficiency and independence - but in learning to use your natural dependence in a more mature way.

Learn to choose partners who are safe and loving enough to meet the needs that matter to you, and who do not resort to violence. That is, choose people for relationships consciously, and not under the influence of your childhood traumas.

15) Learn to build close relationships with another person. Learn to be vulnerable and sincere with them, learn to trust those people who are safe enough for this and whom you know well enough.

To do this, it is important to learn to get closer gradually, looking closely at the person, how much you can trust him, whether he is reliable and safe enough for this. And learn to feel the distance with people at which you feel comfortable being with them, so that you are not “too close” or “too far.”

16) Learn to build healthy, interdependent relationships without falling into dependence or counterdependence. Learn to use “I messages” in communication, resolve conflicts effectively and in a civilized manner, and also master other skills necessary for a new format of open, sincere relationships.

Give yourself permission to live, or how to get out of the control of codependency?

Hello! Today I would like to tell you a little about the topic of codependency, what it is, how one becomes “captured” by it, and leave the hope of the possibility of free choice.

Codependency is a system of relationships in an “unhealthy” codependent family. These relationships are characterized by the fact that all its members control each other, are suffocating from this control, want to break out of it, but cannot. These relationships are built on guilt and sacrifice, not on love. Codependent people are not responsible for their own lives, they live the life of their neighbor. Control often extends beyond the family. Codependent people control everything around them, themselves, all members of their family, other people, they control the working moments of all employees, they keep everything in their fist.

Often this control is akin to violence, which the codependent person does not even realize.

This control always has a downside. The more a codependent person keeps another person close, the more that other person wants to break out of the chains of control and escape.

The reason for control is great fear, fear of separation (separation from the family), fear of losing a loved one, family, fear of loneliness, fear of being unnecessary and incompetent.

This fear prompts a codependent person to control another person in order to keep him close to him, in order to provide himself with imaginary significance, imaginary security, imaginary safety. The fist is clenched. And my fingers are already tired, and I no longer have the strength to keep everything under control. The body is tense and hurts, there is no joy in the soul, but only anxiety. But he stubbornly clings to imaginary intimacy, to insincere relationships, to uninteresting work. And the person already understands that he is holding on to a straw, but letting go is unbearably scary, because there is uncertainty.

What prevents you from “unclenching your fist”? Letting go of your husband who doesn’t want to be around anymore, changing a job that is in your “liver”, giving children who are already over 20, 30, sometimes even over 40 and 50 the opportunity to grow up, the opportunity to use their own mind, not yours, let them make your mistakes and forgive yourself for your mistakes, let adult children go their own way, and not force them to fulfill their unfulfilled dreams and expectations?

The fear of being unable to take responsibility for yourself, for your life, for your choices gets in the way. And then who is to blame? Who should I ask? From yourself? Scary.

The fist does not unclench because the codependent person did not have the experience of living by his own mind, making his own mistakes, choosing friends with whom he wants to be friends, and not his mother, choosing his own path, relying on his own desires, he did not have his own life. A codependent does not even always understand what he himself wants. He is not familiar with responsibility for his life, and therefore he sacrifices his true realization, does not create a family, which is not what he wants, but not “that guy”, does not realize his plans and dreams, sacrifices his life for the sake of imaginary intimacy, in the hope of not colliding with your own loneliness and helplessness.

The fist does not unclench because a codependent person comes from a codependent family, and this is how his parents and his grandparents lived and live, and he could not gain the experience of healthy relationships in his family. Codependency is a systemic family situation. The experience of codependency is learned in a codependent family. It is difficult for a codependent person to trust other people, it is difficult for him to follow the example of other constructive families, because in his parental codependent family there was no trust in each other, but there was a fear of losing the inviolability of this shifting codependent attachment. And this fist of control is clenched, he holds what he no longer wants to hold, but he cannot do otherwise. A codependent person is in the shackles of this dependence. His gaze rests on the face of his parent, who tightly holds the codependent in his fist and obscures the vision of the horizon, the understanding of his desires, the vision of other people, protects him from gaining other experiences, and does not allow him to navigate in his own way. And a codependent person passes on this experience to his children as an inheritance, and they to theirs. And they all go in a vicious circle.

But you can unclench your fist, I know this firsthand. It is possible to cut the umbilical cord of addiction and emerge free from the constraining experience. You can make your life freer, simpler, more joyful and help your loved ones in the future with your new experiences. Only for this you need a lot of support and a great desire to start living your life. It is easier for believers to correct this codependent system. They can take a risk and rely on God, trust and let go. And then you will learn that the fear of lack of control, failure, and the unknown, which seemed immense, is not so terrible and is quite experienceable. And you will see how life will begin to build in the best possible way. Close people do not run away, but begin to appreciate you more. And whoever ran away is not your man. In his place will come another, more reliable and devoted, warmer and more caring, more interesting partner. You will find the job you have dreamed of all your life. Things will start to go smoothly with less effort and time. Because you will begin to see the horizon, perspectives and the space around you. You will see people who give you a helping hand, and do not capture you in addiction, you will begin to navigate on your own and see ways out of previously seemingly dead-end situations. It will become easier for you to breathe and a previously unknown joy will appear. You just have to trust and unclench your fist.

How to work it all out?

All this work can be done in personal therapy with a psychologist. This is a regular visit to his consultations 1 or 2 times a week, during which you, with the help of a specialist, carry out deep work on yourself, on your unconscious processes, increase your awareness of how you work and how you build your relationships with other people.

Working through codependency requires at least a year of work in personal therapy. And usually even longer. But this is much less than if you work independently or with the help of books, trainings, and webinars. And this is much better than spending your entire life in a relationship where you are unhappy and unfulfilled.

I work in long-term therapy with problems of codependency and dependent relationships. So you can contact me.

Author of the article: psychologist Anna Tychuk