Types of relationships in couples - creating your own family rules

Partnerships are something that many people dream about, but almost no one has ever seen, says family psychologist and psychoanalyst Irina Kamaeva. Let's figure out what a partnership is, what skills you need to have, what ways to know in order to be in this relationship. And is it worth striving for them?

We propose to consider various models of partnerships. So let's take a very simple continuum from to to to. On this continuum, on the one hand, we place the attitude towards a marriage or business partner as a means. And at the opposite end, accordingly, is the attitude towards the partner as a value. Let's consider all types of alliances sequentially: dominance, manipulation, rivalry, partnership and commonwealth.

Domination

In this union, the attitude towards the partner as a subject prevails. Such relationships are based on the dominance of one of the couple.

Dominance is the attitude towards a partner as a thing, a part of oneself, something that does not have independent thinking, its own feelings, its own goals and achievements.

Unfortunately, a huge number of parents treat their children this way. Precisely as a part of themselves, that “piece” that will realize their goals, objectives, expectations, fantasies. It's the same in marriage.

In such unions it is often found:

• domestic violence,
• psychological abuse,
• hyperdominance,
• merger,
• codependency.

The desire to possess, control, decide for..., gain unlimited power, control is completely typical for partners.

People who are prone to dominance are absolutely stereotypical in their ideas about marriage. You can often hear phrases from them: “A man is a man, but a woman is no one,” “eggs don’t teach a hen,” “children have no right to...” and so on. Everything stereotypical is appropriate here: a woman should bake pies, greet her husband with a smile, dress up the children for his arrival. And imposition, suggestion, domination, punishment without any rewards, up to and including the use of gross coercion, is a common story in such families.

Basic models of relationships in couples

There are different models of relationships in a couple. Partnership is the model of relationship that many people dream of. But few people know what the affiliate model is and what needs to be done to strive for it. However, there are other options besides partnership. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

This type is characterized by an attitude towards the partner as a subject. Essentially, the partner is seen as a thing, devoid of its own opinions, feelings, etc. In these relationships there is a clear dominant. He will have a stereotypical idea of ​​marriage (“a woman’s place is in the kitchen,” “a real man doesn’t cry,” etc.) and will try to gain unlimited power over his partner.

Also in such families there are various types of violence, loss of individuality, and codependency of partners. Unfortunately, this attitude also persists towards children born in marriage. For such parents, a child is an extension of themselves; he must meet their requirements and make the unrealized dreams of mom and dad come true.

In essence, the attitude towards the partner remains the same as in the previous version, but this is carefully hidden. The dominant can manipulate very subtly, sophisticatedly, and often his partner is not even aware of his true intentions. As in the case of dominance, a person does not take into account the interests of the other and cares only about achieving his own goals.

Psychologist Panova Tatyana

Another stable type of relationship, when partners constantly compete with each other, find out who is better, who is stronger, who loves whom more, etc. In such relationships, partners can coexist peacefully with each other only as long as their interests do not come into contact. Otherwise, the competitive process begins.

Actually, this is what was discussed at the beginning of the article. Partnership relationships are characterized by equality and mutual respect; everyone has their own goals and interests. Another distinctive feature of this type is negotiations: partners know that this is an important way of interaction, and they always try to come to an agreement.

Unfortunately, in our realities, partnership is extremely rare precisely because people do not know how to negotiate with each other within the family. However, this can be learned. In each situation, discuss with your partner everyone’s interests, common interests, look for common ground and find compromise solutions.

Few people know that besides partnership, there is a more harmonious option - a community. This type is characterized by treating others as a unique person of amazing value. Therefore, partners most often do not agree, but coexist, trying to choose a common direction in life.

Adult relationships can lead to fellowship. First, partners learn to negotiate, then chart a common course and move towards their goal together. Commonwealth is understanding each other, agreement on the most important things. This is something definitely worth striving for.

Even though the first three types of relationships are the most common, partners always have the chance to move on to a better model. By working on yourself, trying to understand the other person and come to an agreement with him, you can achieve truly harmonious relationships in marriage.

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Manipulation

The second format of relationships in a couple is associated with manipulation. At the same time, the attitude towards the partner remains the same, but is hidden behind a mask. If during dominance the influence is open, then during manipulation it is hidden. One of the partners does not take into account the interests of the other, but if during dominance he directly demonstrates this, then during manipulation he hides his true intentions.

When a psychologist has to tell a client that a partner dominates, but hides it, the person cannot believe it. Manipulations can be quite thoughtful and sophisticated. More complex moves, communication techniques, and negotiation options are used here than with dominance. But in both the first and second options, a person wants only one thing - to achieve his goals, to take into account only his interests.

How to avoid problems?

Developing partnerships requires certain efforts from both parties. To avoid unpleasant situations, you need to adhere to simple rules of behavior in tandem.

You need to discuss all the important aspects of running a business with your partner. It is necessary to highlight the strategic goals and tasks that are planned to be solved in the process of promoting the company. The business concept is formulated in detail so that the partner can grasp and understand it. At the same time, the boundaries of responsibility are clearly defined. They are determined according to the strengths and weaknesses of the participants in the relationship.

You should never agree on important aspects of an organization’s work verbally. All nuances must be written down in the contract and approved legally. Even if the partner is a close friend or relative, all details of cooperation should be documented.

For a partnership to be productive, you need to be able to listen to each other. You must be able to understand your ally. If opinions differ, you need to give arguments why it is necessary to do it this way and not otherwise. It is very important to respect the person with whom the tandem is built. Without this it is impossible to achieve high results.

Rivalry

The favorite, adored format of relationships in marriages (and one that is almost never realized) is rivalry. It can manifest itself in anything: in the struggle for power, for who controls and manipulates better, who is more valuable, who needs whom more.

The main game of this not very free relationship is competition.

The interests of the partner are taken into account only in the format or to the extent that the other needs. For example, “I will take into account your interests, but only as long as they do not interfere with mine. If they attack, we will fight, and if they do not contradict each other, we live peacefully and coexist well.”

The question is that in a lot of areas and in a lot of daily moments, the interests of partners may not align. Each of the fragments can be discussed separately for hours to figure out what it is. In rivalry, there are also a lot of subtle manipulations, there are also rough ones, but the most important thing is that there is constant competition between partners.

All of these dysfunctional relationships are quite strong and stable. Perhaps this stability is not needed, but it is there.

Business for two

Friends turn into partners when they decide to jointly register some form of business activity.

A partnership can involve a larger number of participants, but most often entrepreneurial activity is organized “in pairs” with a reliable employee. This form of interaction is popular due to the numerous advantages available to newly minted businessmen:

• psychological moment - it’s easier to start a new business with someone you know and trust;
• similar goals, values, attitudes;
• increased level of motivation;
• joint management decision-making reduces the risk of errors;
• reducing expenses by dividing the “burden” by the number of partners;
• easier communication, openness;
• the ability to more accurately calculate risks and share responsibility.

IMPORTANT! According to statistics, most of the first “businesses” are opened on the basis of partnerships.

Essential features of a partnership are recognition as such in the statutory documents and making a contribution in any form (property, monetary, professional, etc.).

Disadvantages of partnership in business

The main difficulty of partnership relations is their insufficient definition in Russian laws: the concept of “partner” is not included in the Labor or Tax Code of the Russian Federation.

In addition, relationships at the partner level significantly complicate the management structure, since it is necessary to take into account not only objective, but also personal factors.

Another group of shortcomings is related to the psychology of human interaction. When interests are directed towards a common cause, potential increases. But when interests collide, conflict ensues, usually at great cost to both sides.

The main reasons for “problematic” partnerships

1. “I don’t see the beam in my own eye” – success is shared, and in failures each side tends to blame the other.
2. “ Mine is mine, yours is yours” - a vague division of spheres of influence, responsibility and share in profit.
3. “ Swan, crayfish and pike ” - the parties cannot agree among themselves: either it is not possible to make a common decision, or one party cancels the order adopted by the other party.
4. “ Money loves accounting” – No matter the initial trust, insufficient financial accounting will eventually lead to suspicion and disagreement.
5. “Behind-the-back machinations ” - whether they are actually carried out, or the partners only suspect each other, this is rich ground for conflicts.

How to avoid partnership conflicts and failures

In order for the partnership to be fruitful and bring profit, rather than grief and division of property, it is worth following the rules that have been developed as a result of successful business practices.

1. Don't split shares equally. A seemingly fair division can spoil a lot of blood in the event of a conflict, since the parties will find themselves completely equal.
2. Unity of command. Of all the parties, one must be more important than the rest. Otherwise, to make any decision, complete agreement between all partners is required, which is not always possible to achieve. Whoever has the last word will have the final responsibility.
3. Distribution. Even before organizing a joint business, you need to clearly define who will do what and be responsible for what, and consolidate all powers and functions in the statutory documentation.
4. Strict accounting. From the first minute of creating a joint business, you need to record all significant moments, especially financial and managerial ones. Controlling expenses and income will help avoid suspicions of improper distribution of funds and behind-the-scenes actions. Analyzing your own business activities will make it more efficient.
5. Dispute Regulations. Conflicts are inevitable, the main thing is that they are constructive and that the truth is born in the dispute, not resentment and discord. To do this, it is necessary, even before different opinions arise, to develop a procedure for resolving conflict situations that will be acceptable to all partners.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION! If a joint business develops successfully, 9 out of 10 partners begin to go their own way, either as a result of dividing the business or separating from the “parent” one. This happens because successful management means that each partner gains useful experience and professional growth.

Partnership

What we all want to know about is partnerships. The ones people always ask about: what is it? The main features of partnerships: both partners are equal, each has their own interests, goals and objectives. Moreover, they can be different or the same. There is a desire to always negotiate and re-negotiate.

To create partnerships, it is important to practice individual skills. You need to devote time to this, because this is a negotiated, actual relationship. When discussing each new task in marriage, in the family you need to be able to negotiate, clarify your own interests, the interests of your partner and your common interests, understand where they differ, and, taking all this into account, build relationships.

Partnership is a good format of relationship. What's so difficult about this? The fact that we have minimal negotiation skills, and even fewer negotiation skills in the family. Even if you have negotiation skills outside of your family, you almost never use them in relationships.

Because it is common to think that when we love each other, we must, without agreeing, understand each other’s feelings.

It is not customary in our families, in our culture, to negotiate in marriages. Even when you explain the rules of agreements to a person, he will immediately ask: “What about love?” For some reason, agreement is opposed to love for us.

The main ways of interaction in partnerships are negotiations, finding common ground and changing agreements as necessary.

Building partnerships in the family

If future spouses want to start a family, taking into account the rights of each of them, then they need to first discuss this together. The conversation takes place without the participation of third parties: friends, girlfriends or close relatives.

The following points should be discussed in detail:

1. Agree on the format of family relationships. Both partners must give the go-ahead for equal rights, and their decision must be sincere.
2. Distribute responsibilities among yourself and establish who will be responsible for what. This will save them later from many conflicts that may arise on this basis.
3. Discuss everyone's rights. Since claims subsequently expressed can cause major quarrels and scandals. The boundaries of personal freedom must be agreed upon. Then there will be no problems with car repairs, which will take place in a friend’s garage until late in the evening, or with a weekend fishing trip.
4. Methods of conflict resolution. They also need to be agreed upon in advance. Even if the relationship between partners is reverent and trusting, it will not be possible to completely eliminate the possibility of resentment and quarrels in the future.

For established and financially secure people who want to maintain enough personal freedom in marriage, the choice of partnerships as the basis of a family union will be the most acceptable.

Commonwealth

An ideal and complex, but nevertheless the best format of relations is called the commonwealth. The Commonwealth is higher and more complex than a partnership. There is an interesting point in it. Marriages based on the commonwealth are early marriages, youth marriages, I call them child marriages. When you get married at 18–20 years old - you are students, you can be poor, happy, in love. You have quite a few resources, but the sooner you will join the community. The value of each other at this time is isolated from all everyday, material and any life-task problems, but as soon as they come, the commonwealth collapses.

Late marriages or not first marriages are characterized by the fact that we never enter into a community. We are those people who have experience behind us, including negative agreements and renegotiations and marriages. There are accumulated resources, many life goals and material things. It is ideal in such marriages to someday come to a commonwealth.

Commonwealth is an attitude towards another as an intrinsic value, a free personality and the desire not to reach an agreement, but to coexist, choosing common tasks in life.

The community includes adult, reasonable, rational, mature relationships. Partners come to them, knowing how to negotiate, and then gradually (in life this doesn’t happen right away, only among young, poor, hungry lovers) they identify common goals, tasks and experiences, then joint friends appear. Close or coinciding goals, built gradually in life, understanding each other, agreement with each other (since we have common goals, we agree not on trifles, but on the most important) - this is the basis of community.

Many of us don't even realize that there is something better than partnerships. The Commonwealth is the best option for partnership and interaction between two people in close relationships - in business, in friendship, in marriage, with children, especially with adult children. This is the option you should strive for.

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Pros and cons of partnerships

Before planning your family life, you need to consider the advantages and disadvantages of the chosen model of behavior in marriage. Gender equality made it possible to forget about the house-building to which our ancestors were accustomed. Therefore, we need to think about a democratic approach when creating a family.

Benefits of partnerships

The obvious advantages of such a marriage include the following aspects that make it a happy union of a man and a woman:

1. Responsibility for relationships
   . If everything is discussed in advance, then serious conflicts rarely arise in such a family. Typically, partnerships are chosen by people who have established themselves as individuals and have certain life experiences. Consequently, they will realize the importance of their marriage while protecting their love and understanding.
2. No power struggle
   . In a family where there is no clear leader, none of the spouses will try to assert themselves at the expense of their partner. Democracy is the basis of such relations, which in some cases is good within reasonable limits.
3. The emergence of trust
   . If a couple constantly discusses all pressing issues, then this fact helps to eliminate secrets and omissions between spouses. Only if there is trust will a marriage last for many years, even if the passion has cooled.
4. No quarrels over trifles
   . When serious things are discussed in advance, conflicts over trifles simply do not arise. Statistics say that out of ten marriages, six subsequently break up. Half of these sad everyday stories concern divorces due to the inability to get along when resolving an unimportant issue.
5. The right example for children
   . In a family where the dictates of mom or dad reign, a happy child rarely grows up. Harmonious relationships between parents instill self-confidence in their offspring. Such children usually make excellent husbands and wives in the future.

Attention! Any family becomes a role model if love, trust and mutual respect reign in it. It is the relationships described that fully correspond to such a high bar.

Disadvantages of partnerships

However, things don't always look rosy when it comes to the union of two loving hearts. The development of partnerships can have a detrimental effect on the harmony in a couple for the following reasons:

• Difficult moments in negotiations
  . Quite often it is easier to say than to put your words into practice. There are kindred spirits in the world, but there are no absolutely alike thinking people. Coming to a compromise when drawing up a family charter can be quite difficult, and sometimes simply impossible.
• Different temperaments of spouses
  . It is more difficult for a choleric person to build partnerships than for an emotionally cold phlegmatic person. A melancholic person is prone to emotional breakdowns, which can also prevent him from establishing contact with his partner. If a couple is completely satisfied with a different model of family building, then there is no point in experimenting.
• Different approaches to budget planning
  . Some people base their thoughts on this matter on the example of their own parents. In their families, the immutable law was that all financial issues were resolved by one of the parents. With such reasoning, the couple may break up if it comes to partnership.
• Unseen circumstances
  . If there is equality in decision-making, the couple must consult on every issue. However, life often dictates such conditions that it can be difficult to do this in the event of a sudden problem. The habit of being one with your partner in all thoughts can play a cruel joke in a critical situation.

Contraindications to partnerships in the family

There are couples for whom such zeal will definitely end in divorce. It will not be possible to become a full partner with people with the following behavior patterns and character traits:

1. Authoritarian personalities
   . For such individuals, the word “equality” is an awkward definition of the relationship between a man and a woman. It is almost impossible to convince people with such a position. A person who has been accustomed since childhood to obey a dictator will feel more or less comfortable next to them.
2. Followers of the traditional family
   . The very concept of “partnership” will cause furious protest from them. According to their concepts, in the family, dad is the breadwinner, the king and God. It is his decisions that should be the ultimate truth, to which his wife and children should listen.
3. Parasitic people
   . Such persons do not at all need partnerships that imply mutual responsibility to each other. They are quite happy with being dependents even if they are limited in expressing their own opinions.
4. Eccentric people
   . This is especially true for hysterical ladies who try to defend their point of view exclusively through scandals. Even a calm conversation irritates them, because they are unable to get rid of their quarrelsomeness.
5. Men are ladies' men
   . They cleverly turn partnerships into promiscuity in the presence of a legal spouse. They are cynical enough to tell her that she can afford an affair on the side. This family model is clearly not suitable for such seekers of dubious pleasures. They shouldn’t get married and make the woman they like unhappy.